Chapter 23 - Phantom Pain

Greene Farm

It was pitch black by the time they got back to camp. Randall had been unresponsive the entire car ride but thankfully still had a pulse. The rags of Tess' shirt were now drenched in blood but it did seem like the intensity of the blood flow had begun to slow, which was promising. Rick skidded to a stop out the front of the house and Hershel instructed them to take Randall into the barn for surgery.

Tess and Rick carried Randall into the barn as quickly as they could, clearing a space for him in the corner. Tess knew the last thing they needed was to be using up more of Hershel's medical supplies and especially on someone they didn't know but she struggled to accept the fact that nobody was worth helping anymore.

"I'm sorry, Rick. I couldn't just leave him there. He's just a kid." She spoke up gently as she crouched beside Randall, able to see more clearly now just how young he was. Nineteen perhaps? She could tell Rick was agitated by the entire situation but he nodded understandingly.

"I know. It was the right thing to do." He told her as he searched for a light in the barn. He pulled a cord and a couple dim, yellow lights lit up the darkness, showing the full state of Randall's condition.

She heard Rick suck in a sharp breath behind her, which she figured was caused by him now seeing Randall more clearly but she then felt him drape his jacket over her shoulders.

"What are you-?" She began to protest but then saw the sad look on his face. It was a look she'd grown to recognize and it made her uncomfortable every time. Rick looked like he was about to apologize and Tess stood up to her full height, shaking her head.

"Seriously, don't even go there." She wasn't angry with him by any means, she could understand his reaction. But she refused to get upset about scars that would never heal and she didn't need people to feel sorry for her when the damage was already done. Rick nodded silently just as Hershel and half the campsite entered the barn.

"Who the hell is that?" Shane exclaimed unhappily at the sight of Randall on the floor.

"His name is Randall. He's just a kid and he needed our help." Rick told him gently in an effort to calm him down but his friend was so quick to anger nowadays it seemed and Shane wasn't about to back down.

"We don't have the capacity for this, Rick! The kid looks as good as dead!" Shane growled and Rick dragged him out of the barn where they continued to argue.

Hershel and Patricia had begun to operate on Randall's leg now and Tess shuffled back to give them space. She shivered against the cold air and clutched Rick's jacket tightly trying to stay warm but her hands stained the fabric and she quickly let go again. Maggie walked over to her and grabbed her gently by the arm.

"You look terrible. When was the last time you showered?" She asked her and Tess gave her a weak laugh.

"You say the nicest things to me, you know that?" Maggie rolled her eyes and led her past the crowd of people and out of the barn.

Inside the house, Maggie gave her a towel and showed her to the bathroom where she told her she'd fetch her some clothes and leave them outside the door for her when she was done.

"Don't use up all the hot water though." Maggie warned her, half seriously and left Tess to clean up.

It had been so long since she'd had the opportunity to shower and be clean. The dirt, sweat, blood and grime felt heavy on her skin now and she kicked her boots off, peeled her jeans and underclothes off and threw them in a heap on the floor along with her knives and gun. She took more care with Rick's jacket and placed it carefully beside the sink, reminding herself to scrub it clean before returning it to him.

She turned the shower on and jumped in eagerly, not waiting for the water to heat up. The cold was a bit of a shock to her system but soon enough, warmer water rained down over her head and shoulders, instantly putting her at ease. Tess basked in the warmth, convinced that she'd probably be able to fall asleep right then and there.

Resting her head against the shower wall, she watched as dark, murky water pooled at her feet and then swirl and ebb down the drain. It almost made her feel a bit sick thinking how filthy she must have been, looking at the weeks worth of grime rinse off of her. Tess toyed with the chain and tag around her neck as she closed her eyes and enjoyed the feeling of the water hitting her back. Finally leaning back, she raised her hands up to the ceiling and stretched. The muscles in her back pulled nicely and the joints in her arms and wrists cracked as she rolled them about.

Once the water started to clear, Tess slowly massaged her fingers through her hair, picking out bits of glass as she went and made good use of the 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner that had been left in the shower. Once her hair was clean and detangled, she lathered up a washcloth and scrubbed herself clean. She made sure to take her time savoring what could be her last shower for another few weeks, at least.

Finally content, Tess turned the shower off and stepped out. The bathroom was steamy and warm and she leisurely wrapped the towel around herself, securing it around her chest. She wiped down the mirror over the sink and was stunned to see the woman looking back at her. Her face was thinner than she recognized and the sudden grumbling in her stomach reminded her of how little and irregularly she had been eating lately. It never really seemed like she had enough time in the day to go about it, with new issues always arising and it constantly fell on the backburner. She made a mental note to do better, hunt more if need be and hopefully there would be time to do so.

After quickly scrubbing clean Rick's jacket, Tess grabbed the clothes Maggie left for her and dressed. A clean set of underwear and socks, a pair of dark blue jeans with faded knees, and a light green long sleeve henley tee that was both more slim fitting and lower cut than she would have liked. She wasn't about to complain though and instead just made sure it was buttoned up as far as possible. She grabbed the rest of her belongings and headed into the kitchen where she found Maggie.

"Hey. Thanks for the clothes." She told her and Maggie smiled back at her.

"No problem. You want something to eat?" Maggie asked her, even though it was probably close to midnight. Tess' stomach growled loudly and she nodded eagerly,

"Oh man, I'd love something to eat right now, thank you." Maggie gestured for her to take a seat at the table and began putting together a plate of leftovers from the fridge.

"So what happened in town?" Maggie asked her tentatively as Tess settled at the table.

"We ran into some trouble with another group. But we handled it."

"And the guy outside..?" Maggie asked warily, a worried look on her face.

"Randall? Poor kid was left for dead." Tess told her, too distracted by the plate of food she'd just been handed to pick up on Maggie's odd behavior as she sat down beside her.

As Tess tucked into her food, Maggie gnawed at her thumbnail, anxiously debating whether or not to tell her friend that she recognized Randall. She wasn't even entirely sure whether it was important or not and for all she knew, Randall wouldn't recognize her. If he ever woke up again that is. Maggie decided against it. Not tonight anyway.

"How's Beth doing?" Tess asked, suddenly recalling what had happened in the kitchen earlier today.

"She's still unresponsive but her fever has improved." Replied Maggie solemnly and Tess tried to muster a smile for her.

"That's a good start. She'll come right, Maggie, I promise." She reached out to grab her friend's hand and squeezed it encouragingly. Maggie squeezed back, appreciatively.

"I better get back to her. You're welcome to stay here as long as you'd like."

"Thank you."

With that, Maggie left to watch over Beth again and Tess slowly ate the rest of her food in silence.

—

The sun hung low in the sky, casting long shadows that seemingly stretched for miles across an endless sea of sand. The shadows appeared to ripple and move, as though alive and following the sun but the sun never moved. It was hot, so incredibly hot, and the air was so dry and thick that you could almost clutch it. The acrid scent of dust and sweat filled Tess' nostrils as she looked out over the barren plain, watching the sandhills roll and heave as if they were breathing.

She found herself in uniform, the familiar weight of body armor and rifle pressing against her. Her heart quickened, a low hum of anxiety vibrating beneath her skin. She could see faint figures in the distance, summoning her. Tess' boots sunk into the shifting sands as she slogged forward.

"Hello?" She shouted into the wind but her call remained unanswered. She trekked through the rolling hills for what felt like days, trying to reach the mirages dancing on the skyline and always out of reach. People she had met at different stages in her life, some she recognized and some she didn't, waited for her on the horizon. Children she'd met in school, friends she'd made in the army, Iraqi locals, the friends she had now. She slowly grew closer and closer to them and just when they were nearly in reach, a sudden gust of wind blew them away with the sand and she was forced to turn away to shelter her face.

The wind whipped at her hair violently and Tess noticed she was no longer in uniform and now wearing her civvies instead. She looked down at her hands which felt slick and warm and saw that they were a bright shade of scarlet red and dripping with fresh blood. Tess gasped in shock, collapsing from the crouch she'd fallen into. The rolling hills of the desert were gone and now she was beside a dusty road, one she recognized all too well.

On the ground in front of her, at least a dozen bodies lay in the dirt and she finally saw where the blood had come from. She flung forward onto her knees again and tightly gripped the leg of one of her fellow soldiers, who was bleeding out in front of her.

"Dinah?" She stammered desperately, choking back tears. Blood ran through her fingers, the pressure doing nothing to stem the flow.

"I-I can't… I can't stop it." The woman in front of her opened her mouth to scream but the sound that she made was far from anything normal. It sounded like the pulsing of a racing heartbeat thudding in her eardrums and it grew louder and louder until she had to cover ears. Tess squeezed her eyes shut tightly and waited for the noise to end but even covering her ears, it persisted and she screamed, begging her to stop.

When the wailing finally ended, Tess felt cold and opened her eyes to one of the hallways of Harrison Memorial Hospital. A fluorescent white light was suspended in thin air above her and outside of the small circle of light there was nothing but darkness. Afraid and uncertain, Tess got to her feet while trying to squint through the darkness for any sign that she wasn't alone. As though she had flicked a switch, a dim light flickered to life about twenty yards from her and in the center sat a familiar silhouette, hunched over and unresponsive.

Tess ran through the black like her life depended on it and skidded to a halt in front of her friend that she'd left behind in this very building. She grabbed at his shoulders and shook him, willing him to look at her, to let her know that he was okay.

"Nate? Hey. Hey, look at me, please. Nate? Please, come on." She begged him urgently, tears rolling down her cheeks and the taste of salt and metal filled her mouth. She attempted to lift his head but try as she might, it remained fixed.

"You can… one… but me?" A low, haunting voice attempted to ask.

"What?" Tess asked, biting down on her lip to stop it from trembling.

"YOU CAN KILL EVERYONE, BUT ME?!" Nate lunged forward, his eyes were white and glassy and his skin pale and decaying.

Tess threw herself backwards and out of her chair, onto her feet. She was back in the kitchen of the Greene's farmhouse now and quickly realized that she had been having a nightmare after falling asleep at the dining heart raced in an intense panic and her palms felt sweaty. She hadn't woken from a nightmare like that in a long time and as she looked around the room, she was thankful that she was alone. Tess couldn't explain why this particular dream had been so wicked but if she had to hazard a guess, she'd say it had something to do with Randall's injury hitting particularly close to home. One thing was for certain, she wasn't going to be falling back asleep anytime soon.

It was early morning now. The clock on the wall read 5:17am and Tess picked up her holster and Rick's jacket. Her plate, towel and dirty clothes were noticeably absent and she wondered who had taken them for her. She'd have to thank them later for cleaning up for her.

Tess left the house and headed back to her tent. The campsite was quiet and she did her best to tip-toe around everyone else that was still sleeping. The sun was slowly starting to peek over the horizon and a foreboding red glow came with it. The air was cool and crisp and it was soothing as it washed over her. The ground was a little dewy and it glistened gently in the morning light. It certainly was starting to feel like winter was just around the corner.

At her tent, Tess took the opportunity to reload her gun and grab her jacket, leaving Rick's behind. She picked up her bow and whispered to herself encouragingly, you got this. It's not failing, it's practice.

She'd do her best to hunt and even if she came back empty handed, at least her bow hunting skills should have improved. At least she hoped anyway. As Tess left her tent, she looked over at Daryl's and debated whether he'd want to join her. He was generally an early riser but that didn't mean he was awake just yet.

It didn't seem to matter where her head was at on the matter however, as her feet carried her over anyway. Tess stood awkwardly at the front of the tent, unable to open her mouth and feeling stupid. She could manage just fine on her own, she didn't need a chaperone. But right now, she didn't really want to be alone.

"Whoever's hoverin', piss off." Daryl growled unhappily from inside his tent and Tess immediately felt embarrassed. She hadn't even considered that he might be able to see her if he was awake and contemplated fleeing for a moment.

"Daryl..?" She called out gently and she knew she sounded pathetic, she could sense the weakness in her voice before it even crossed her lips. Daryl didn't respond immediately and she wondered whether he was just waiting for her to leave.

"Whaddya want?" He asked, less hostilely this time.

"I was just wondering if, maybe, you wanted to go hunting? With me?" She proposed to him nervously, still feeling a bit shaky. Again, Daryl let the question linger for a few seconds before answering.

"Give me a sec." He told her and she breathed a sigh of relief.

She waited patiently for him to get ready and chose to ignore the curious thought that entered her mind about whether or not he slept with a shirt on. Daryl eventually ducked out of his tent, fully clothed, with his crossbow in hand. He looked about as well rested as she felt and she wondered if he'd had a hard time sleeping last night too.

"G'morning." She smiled at him pathetically, "I didn't wake you, did I?" Daryl shook his head tiredly but didn't seem unhappy with her.

"Nah. I was up." He told her and they began walking towards the forest.

"Thanks for not telling me to get lost." She chucked awkwardly despite genuinely having meant it.

"I weren't expecting it to be you." Daryl admitted with a shrug.

"You getting many early morning visitors?" She asked, not intending for it to have been suggestive in any way but he shifted uncomfortably at the insinuation nonetheless,

"Nah, nothing like that." He mumbled and Tess cringed inwardly.

They continued to walk in silence until they reached the forest. The air here was cooler still and she hunkered down into her jacket. She'd never seen Daryl wear anything more than a sleeveless vest and she wondered if he even had anything warmer with him. He didn't appear bothered by the cold air though and walked deftly through the trees ahead of her, scanning the ground in front of him.

Daryl took to hunting so naturally and she found that she enjoyed watching him at work while he was doing it. He saw things on the forest floor that she never would have even known were there and it was a skill she wished she had. Daryl stooped to brush away some fallen leaves and examined the ground intently.

"What is it?" She crouched beside him and asked.

"Looks like a deer. Can't have gone past too long ago."

"How can you tell?"

"Mud's still fresh and the leaves only look recently broken. Ain't a big one though, tracks are kinda small."

"You wanna hunt Bambi?" She questioned him with a raised brow and he shrugged.

"This is yer' hunt. Up to you."

"Well… meat's meat I suppose." Tess acquiesced and got back to her feet.

Daryl helped her track the deer further into the woods and she was pleasantly surprised by his patience. He allowed her to make mistakes and he didn't ridicule or judge her when she did. He made a good teacher, whether he thought that of himself or not and it was just another side of him that she was continuing to learn about.

"Hold up a sec…" Daryl hushed softly and held his arm out for her to stop. Tess stopped dead in her tracks and looked over at him inquisitively. Daryl's gaze was locked firmly ahead of him, directly where their prey was standing approximately thirty yards away. "See it?"

"Yeah." Tess murmured, trying to remain as quiet as possible.

"Reckon you can get it from here?" He asked her and her eyes widened in surprise.

"What? No." She whispered to him sharply, her eyes darting between him and the deer, who thankfully was still busy grazing.

"Reckon you can get any closer without scaring it away?" He countered, to which she knew he already knew the answer to.

"Probably not." She admitted glumly, knowing that only left her with the former option.

Daryl didn't say anything more but he needn't to. It was all the convincing she required to make a decision. She'd have to take the shot from here if she wanted to have any chance of bringing the deer home with them. And if I miss, well at least I tried.

Tess sucked in a deep breath and notched an arrow in her bow. The deer looked more alert now and its head was up in the air, eyes and ears scanning the environment. As Tess drew her bow, she knew that she didn't have as much time as she would have liked but at least for now, the deer was still. With a steadying breath, she lined up her shot and aimed for the animal's neck.

In the blink of an eye, Tess released the arrow and it soared through the air until it hit its mark, causing the deer to whelp in fright. Tess felt elated for a brief moment, excited that she had hit her target and then terrible because it definitely didn't sound like the deer was dead.

Daryl took off to find the animal and she quickly followed behind him. They found it lying on the ground with the arrow pierced into the top of its front leg. Tess' stomach immediately felt nauseous as she watched it kick back at them defensively. Daryl crouched beside it, holding down its bleeding leg, similarly to how she had in her dream, and Tess felt the wave of anxiety and fear that came from a panic attack slam her with incredible force. The deer's black eyes pierced her own and she staggered back into a tree.

She thought she could just distract herself from last night's nightmare but the images were determined to stay with her. Tess slumped against the tree and slid to the ground. Daryl and the deer may as well have been on a whole other planet to her right now, that was how disassociated she felt from reality. Time stopped and somehow she both lived through the panic she felt as well as watched herself suffer.

She could hear Daryl calling her name but the words never really registered in her mind. All she could think about was the people she let down. The ones that had trusted her with their lives and she had failed. Guilt weighed heavy on her shoulders and it ate at her like a flesh eating disease.

Tess clawed at her boots in an effort to untie them but her trembling fingers couldn't figure out the knots. As she considered simply cutting the laces free with her knife, another set of hands took over and undid the knots in her shoes for her, removing them for her as well. In the back of her mind, she knew it had to have been Daryl but the connection didn't quite come together and for her, it was just something that happened. She peeled off her socks and drove her feet into the cold, damp ground.

"My name is Theresa Murphy. I'm 29 years old. I'm from Durham, North Carolina. I'm at the Greenes farm." She mumbled to herself, barely registering any volume at all and she repeated it over and over until she felt like a whole person once more. With a firmer grip on reality, Tess finally opened her eyes again and saw Daryl crouching in front of her looking concerned. "Give me a second…" She mumbled, feeling ashamed. Daryl looked spooked and rightfully so. She looked weak and it wasn't normally a side of her that many people got to see.

"I'm okay." She tried to sound convincing but it fell flat. Daryl didn't buy it,

"You sure?" Truth was, she didn't buy it either and so she just shrugged.

"I don't know what to tell you, Daryl."

"You could tell me what the hell that just was." He told her, his expression deadpan. "If you're gonna lose your shit killing a deer then maybe this ain't for you."

"I'm not- it wasn't the deer." Tess sighed tiredly, "Well, not really."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Goddamn it. It means that I have PTSD, okay? Sometimes… sometimes I can't stop the panic attacks. The deer, it was just bad timing." She surmised and rubbed her temples. "Fuck. I don't know why I thought that hunting would help." Daryl looked at her with uncertainty,

"Help with what?"

"Whenever I actually manage to sleep, it's generally just nightmares. Last night was particularly rough. I thought, maybe, I could get my mind off of it. Distract myself. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I'm losing my goddamn mind." Tess admitted.

She was unable to ignore the full extent of how tired she actually was anymore and she didn't know for how much longer it'd be possible to keep on going like this. She'd had maybe a handful of nights since the outbreak where she'd actually had a restful night's sleep. The rest were fitful at best and it wasn't sustainable.

Daryl could see how tired she was and now that he thought back on it, there'd been many nights since they arrived on the farm that she'd stayed up doing one thing or another for someone else. She looked burned out and uncomfortable and Daryl frowned to himself, trying to think of something to say.

"I have nightmares about Merle sometimes." He confessed tentatively. "Sometimes he's dead. Sometimes he's not." It didn't feel normal to share his private thoughts or feelings with anybody but at least with Tess, he didn't feel like he was going to be judged for it.

"Not knowing can't be easy." She empathized and it made her realize that maybe that was part of the reason why he'd tried so hard for Carol. Because he knew what it was like.

"Ain't no changin' that now." Daryl shrugged, ignoring the guilt he still felt.

Tess could feel her knee start to bounce anxiously as she considered telling Daryl everything. It wasn't a secret so much but it definitely wasn't something she liked to talk about. However, she wasn't one to back down just because something was difficult. Tess wrapped her hands around her knee to stop the shaking and took a deep breath.

"I um- It was an IED. All things considered, I got off pretty easy. My team… my friends, some of them not so much. There's so much guilt. Why do I get to go on living my life relatively normally, when so many others don't? I should feel grateful, count myself lucky, but I just blame myself. People relied on me, they died and I get a fucking promotion?

"So every time I go to sleep, all I see is them. The people I couldn't save. The ones I killed trying to save them. I'm not well, I know that. It's been five years and sometimes I feel like I'm still there. Like I never really left. Part of me thinks, hey, maybe you did die that day and all of this isn't real. It sounds crazy. I sound crazy."

Tess could feel the way her body and mind was beginning to panic and shut down. The familiar sense of disassociation always left her feeling afraid as she tried to regain focus. Her heart raced as she awaited Daryl's response.

"I don't think you're crazy." Daryl told her quietly and she looked up at him meekly.

"No?" She tried to laugh but it just came out like a deflated puff of air.

"No. I don't know anybody else that's got their shit together as much as you do. Even with half of all that."

"I appreciate that Daryl, really" She smiled weakly, relieved that she didn't sound like a raving lunatic.

"You shouldn't feel guilty, either. None of that was your fault."

Tess felt tears well in eyes and she had to look away to regain some semblance of composure. Daryl couldn't care less if she cried but he could see that she was struggling with allowing herself to look even more vulnerable than she already did. Desperately, he tried to come up with something, anything, to say that would distract her.

"Is that why you take your boots off?" He asked curiously and Tess nodded with her head still down, mumbling,

"Yeah, contact helps. I start to feel like I'm not really… real, otherwise."

Much to her surprise, Daryl reached over and grasped her arm, his fingers resting in the crook of her elbow and she slowly mimicked his movement, holding him the same way. She could feel his heartbeat pulse softly beneath her fingertips and the slow rhythm helped ease hers down to a similar pace. It was an unexpectedly intimate moment and it stirred all sorts of unusual feelings within them both. Tess took in a slow, shaky breath and looked Daryl in the eyes. Slowly, he said,

"Feels pretty real to me."