Chapter 37 - Days Gone
The Prison
Tess was a supernova. Obliterated.
The bed beneath her felt like it had disappeared and she was left suspended in nothing. Not here, not there, not anywhere but limbo. Some horrible purgatory that she knew all too well. The empty space between sadness and anger, where the only emotion she could muster was cold indifference lest she crumble into complete despair.
"Tess?" Rick was crouching beside her bed now, "Did you hear-?"
"I heard you." She interjected, staring at the bed frame overhead.
Her eyes scanned over the names that had been etched into the metal but the fog in her brain made them impossible to read. Beside her, Rick watched her nervously, unsure what to say or how to react to the stoic response that he had not been expecting. He rose to his feet and stepped over to Carol, who mirrored his distress.
"What do we do?" She whispered to him as they shuffled out of the room in tandem.
"What can we do?" Rick replied. He had no answers or solutions to their problem. There was nothing they could do. Carol grimaced and crept back into the cell.
"Do you need anything? Can I get you something?" She asked Tess who was still staring at the bed above her.
There was a long pause.
Tess wanted many things. She wanted to go back. To change the things that had happened. Do things differently and then maybe she wouldn't be in this position. She wanted Marcus to be alive. She wanted Daryl to be at the prison with them. She wanted to not feel like she was caving in. None of that she could do and nor could anyone else.
"No. There's nothing." She muttered in reply, stone faced and unwavering.
"Are you sure?" Carol pressed. She too was upset that Daryl was gone. Gone without a word. But Tess' sadness was a different kind of pain that she couldn't level with.
Tess squeezed her eyes shut tightly and used her one good hand and left elbow to shuffle up to a seated position and then slowly swung her feet down off the bed. Her head throbbed at the change in altitude, which felt enormous, but she pushed through it and rose to her feet.
"You can go now." Tess dismissed Carol, staring her dead in the eyes. She tucked her bandaged left hand into her chest and felt the blood that had dried on her shirt against her fingertips. She still wore the same clothes from before. That was something she could do.
Carol gave her a final pained look but didn't try to push any further. There wasn't anything she could say or do that would make this situation any better, she knew that. What Tess wanted, needed, Carol couldn't give her and so she did all she could. She listened and left.
Tess looked through them as Rick and Carol walked back down to the ground floor of the prison. Her mind ran in loops, chasing the same questions again and again. Why? Why? Why did he go? Why didn't he say anything? Why did he leave me? And then, when the loop finally ran itself into the ground, when no answers could be found and the questions turned into: How? How could he just go? How could he not say anything? How could he just leave me? She found no answers for those too.
She stood staring out of her cell for so long that her body began to ache and it was only then that she realized what she was staring at. The small stack of mattresses sitting in the corner at the top of the stairwell, the scrunched up pillow and blanket thrown to the side. The only things left of Daryl. Tess wanted to throw them over the railing, hurl them at the wall or set them on fire, or perhaps all of the above. Instead, she tore the sheet from her bed and draped it over her door as best she could. That way, she couldn't see it all.
In the privacy of her cell, she painfully stripped out of her disgusting clothes and threw them in the corner. Tess was thankful that there wasn't a mirror in her cell - she hated to think what she looked like right now. A metal basin filled with water had been left alongside some cloth, bandages and medical supplies. She soaked a cloth in the cold water and gently washed herself down as best she could. When she was done, she took one of the rolls of bandage to secure around her abdomen, whimpering as she pulled it tight against her chest. She found herself some new underclothes and pulled a button up shirt over her shoulders, slowly easing her arms through the sleeves.
She didn't have the energy to do it up or find herself pants and sat back down on her bed as she was. With one hand, she tried to rip the knots out of her hair but she only seemed to make it worse and a tangled clump, bound together with sweat and blood, secured itself at the ends. She tugged at it to no avail. It seemed intent on testing her. Tess had no patience and cut it out.
—
Tess remained in her room for the rest of the day.
Carol visited her again hours later with some food but she didn't have any desire to eat. She made no comment on Tess' hair that now lay in a jagged line across her shoulder blades; a good three inches shorter than it had been.
Hershel checked in on her before nightfall to offer her some pain medication but refused to give it to her if she didn't eat anything. Reluctantly, she forced herself to eat so that she could take the medication. It did little to numb the pain though. Her sleep was restless and difficult to find. She spent most of the night staring at the wall or the base of the bed above her.
The following day, Maggie paid her a visit. Tess couldn't bring herself to look at her and Maggie hadn't failed to notice that. She'd asked her why she was angry with them but Tess couldn't muster the strength to answer. She had spent the entire night going over the harrowing events at Woodbury and couldn't forget how Maggie and Glenn had confessed to telling The Governor about the prison. Unless The Governor was more sadistic than she already knew him to be, then that meant that he had interrogated her first. If she had known that Maggie and Glenn were going to cave then she could have saved them from their own suffering.
Marcus could have lived.
She was angry and ashamed and she didn't have the strength yet to explain to anyone why. Instead, she stayed in bed, staring at the wall and ignoring anyone that came to her room that wasn't Hershel. Carol insisted on sitting with her even though Tess never spoke.
Carol told her how Carl had named the baby Judith and explained to her how the mystery woman, Michonne, had arrived at the prison with a basket of goods that they had collected at the daycare and that's how the others managed to track them down at Woodbury. Tess never said anything but she instantly felt indebted to Michonne.
As the days rolled by, Tess learned about the arrival and quick departure of a small group of people that had stumbled into the prison. She heard Rick shouting at them to leave and the anger and distrust in his voice sounded nothing like the person he used to be. They were falling apart at the seams, both as a group and as people.
Glenn made a surprise visit late one afternoon, looking distressed. Tess watched as he paced the length of her cell while he fretted about Maggie. She was shutting him out after what had happened at Woodbury and it was taking a toll on him.
"I don't know what to do." Glenn's hands flexed in and out of fists as he tried to get his head straight.
Tess had no answer to give him. She didn't know what had happened to Maggie. She had been far too immersed in her own dark thoughts to consider what she might have been through. It's not that she didn't care but for her own self-preservation, she couldn't think about anyone else right now. Glenn took distinct notice of her silence. He stopped abruptly and stared at her, causing her to avert her eyes.
"Why are you mad at her?" He asked suddenly.
"I'm not." Tess replied, her tone flat.
"You won't talk to her." Glenn added, "You've barely said anything to me. What did we do?"
"You haven't done anything." She shook her head and stared down at her lap.
"So why the silent treatment? How are we supposed to help you if you won't tell us what happened?" Glenn knelt in front of her, looking up at her imploringly. "Tess, I know you're upset about Daryl but you have to talk about what happened."
She surprised them both when she started laughing. It was more of a scoff at first but very quickly turned hysterical.
"What's so funny?" Glenn eyed her with uncertainty. Her shoulders shuddered as she laughed and she became keenly aware of tears tracking down her cheeks. She buried her face in her hands as her laughter turned into sobs.
Glenn pulled her into a hug after his initial shock and she wept into his shoulder. The weight of everything that had happened came rolling over her like a tidal wave and it was enough to make the dam burst. Tess finally talked about it. She told Glenn what had happened. All about Martinez, Merle, The Governor, Marcus and the end. Every horrific detail that she could bear to speak about because it did feel cathartic to get it out of her system. She didn't have to fight it all on her own anymore.
"I'm not angry at you." Tess assured him, wiping at her face as she stopped crying. "Or at Maggie. I'm just… I'm just angry."
—
Daryl was miserable. His brother had the preternatural ability to get on his every single nerve and he was growing closer and closer to his wits end. Everything he did made him angry and when his brother wasn't busy scrutinizing his every move, past and present, he was ripping into him for one thing or another. Daryl had struggled before wondering if he had made the right decision and now, he knew that he hadn't.
Merle had been nothing but a thorn in his side from day one. Helping him grow a thick skin was apparently his motive. Merle constantly criticized him for becoming soft and weak. Daryl never bothered to argue, it wasn't worth the energy. He never saw himself as growing weaker. The people that he left behind, they had been the ones to build him up, to make him stronger. Yet, he still chose his brother over them.
They had come across a young family being attacked by a group of walkers on the road. Daryl had immediately jumped in to help them but Merle remained noticeably absent from the fray. Instead choosing to watch how things played out. As if it amused him. Even now, the thought of it made Daryl's blood boil.
He hadn't been able to stand by as Merle tried to rob the family either, threatening his brother with his crossbow so the family could flee. He had thought that maybe after all this time, his brother might have changed. Grown. But he was the same old bigot and bully that he had always been.
Daryl was so angry with himself for being so stupid. He'd walked away from the people that supported and cared for him the most. Merle might've been blood but he was proving not to be family. Not like the others. He missed them. He missed his life back at the prison. He missed Tess.
He couldn't get the image of her, unconscious in the back of the car, out of his head. It was seared into the front of his brain and was there every time he closed his eyes. It destroyed him. If he thought about it hard enough, he could sometimes still remember what it had felt like when he had pressed his lips to her forehead and how she had smelt as his nose buried itself in her hair. He could still feel her nails in his back and recall how heavenly it had felt because they had been hers.
Yet, he still chose his brother over her.
He didn't know if he'd ever forgive himself for that.
"The shit you doin', pointing that thing at me?" Merle spat at him from a few feet behind.
Daryl determinedly walked away from him, fed up and pissed off but Merle wasn't about to let it go.
"Hey! You listenin' to me Darlina? The fuck you think you was doin' back there?"
"They were scared, man." Daryl replied, choosing to ignore the derogatory nickname Merle had coined from him as kids.
"They were rude is what they were. Rude and they owed us a token of gratitude."
"They didn't owe us nothin'."
Merle scoffed mockingly,
"You helping people out of the goodness of your heart now? Even though you might die doing it? Is that something your Sheriff Rick taught you?"
"There was a baby!" Daryl exclaimed, exasperated. It's cries had reminded him of the lil ass kicker back at the prison and he wasn't able to stand by and do nothing.
"Oh, otherwise you would have just left them to the biters, then?"
Daryl had had enough. Merle didn't know shit.
"Man, I went back for you. You weren't there. I didn't cut off your hand, neither. You did that. Way before they locked you up on that roof. You asked for it."
"You know, you know what's funny to me? How you're suddenly actin' all high and mighty but I bet you a penny and a fiddle of gold that you never told 'em that we were plannin' on robbing that camp blind."
"It didn't happen." Daryl replied, regretful of the person he had been before, under his brother's influence.
"Yeah, it didn't 'cause I wasn't there to help you."
"What, like when we were kids, huh?" Growled Daryl, "Who left who then?"
"Huh? Is that why I lost my hand?" Merle sneered.
"You lost your hand 'cause you're a simpleminded piece of shit."
Merle chuckled to himself, darkly and shook his head.
"You've gotten soft Baby Brother. Lap of luxury gone to your head?"
"You don't know shit about what it's been like."
"Seems to me like life's been pretty cushy for ya'. Replaced me awful quick with ol' Officer Friendly, no? Got yourself a nice little group of friends. A roof over ya' head… A pretty little piece of cooch to stroke your ego."
"Shut up, Merle."
"What? Don't go actin' like you ain't interested in her now. Like I ain't caught ya' pinin' for a squeeze every night. Fondlin' that fuckin' piece of metal."
Daryl could feel Tess' dog tags burning a hole in his pocket at the mention of them. Michonne had brought them with her to the prison to convince them of her story and Daryl had snatched them from her almost immediately. Each night since he'd walked away he had found himself turning the tags over and over in his hands, regretting his decision.
Merle sniggered, disgusted by the way Daryl had fallen into a thoughtful silence.
"Brother, you're so pussy-whipped for that bitch."
"Don't say another goddamn word or I swear to God-"
"Swear to God you'll what? What is it that's got you actin' like such a damn baby, huh? Is it too much or not enough of the cun-"
Daryl slammed his first into his brother's face before he could finish his sentence. Merle staggered, unsuspecting and lunged for Daryl once he regained his footing. The two fought, grappling one another and landing punches wherever they could. Merle had much more experience in this sort of dirty, fist fighting though and he ripped at the back of Daryl's shirt as he had tried to get up. The fabric tore and Daryl stumbled to his knees.
For the first time in his life, Merle was speechless. The scars on Daryl's exposed back were eerily similar to his own and knew all too well where they had come from. Words escaped him as he tried to form a sentence,
"I-I didn't know he was…"
"Yeah ya' did. He did the same to you. That's why you left first." Daryl bit out through gritted teeth, angrily pulling his vest back over his shoulder to hide the scars.
"I had to, man. I would have killed him otherwise."
"Whatever." Daryl grumbled and began walking away.
He'd made his decision. This wasn't where he should be. He needed to return to the prison. He wanted to go home.
"Where you goin'?"
"Back where I belong."
"I can't go with you. I tried to kill that black bitch. Damn near killed the Chinese kid."
"He's Korean."
"Whatever. Doesn't matter, man. You think they're just gonna let me waltz on in with you?"
"That ain't my problem."
"That's it then? You're just gonna leave for a warm bed and a woman that hardly fuckin' knows ya? Ain't no one got your back like I do."
"She knows me better than you do. Better than I do. And for the record, she didn't even know your stupid ass and she cared about you more than anyone else ever did."
Daryl had nothing else to say from then on and began the long walk back to the prison; with or without Merle.
—
After Tess told Glenn what had happened, word got round fast. It didn't take long at all for everyone to know what had gone down in the basement below Woodbury. Tess didn't care that they knew but she hated the pitying looks she continued to get when she crossed paths with anyone. She didn't need them to feel sorry for her, no amount of guilt or regret was going to bring anybody back.
Glenn must've talked to Maggie after leaving her that day because she came to visit her soon after. Maggie hadn't said anything about it at first, she just offered to trim the ragged ends of Tess' hair, which Tess was more than happy for her to do. On the odd occasion that she had caught sight of her reflection over the last few days, she thought she looked crazy.
"Glenn told me what happened…" Maggie began softly as she raked her fingers through the ends of her hair.
"I figured he would." Tess replied, unphased.
"I'm so sorry. If I had known I-."
"Don't blame yourself for it. Please. All I've done this past week is do what you're doing now and it's not worth it. We were going to lose either way and I will never expect you to lose Glenn over anything."
"I'm still sorry…"
"I know. Me too."
They sat in silence for a few short minutes, each reflecting on their losses and suffering. Tess still felt like a blackhole, consuming everything that came into her path and destroying all light. No amount of repenting was going to fill the void, no matter how much catharsis it brought her. There was nothing that could be done about the missing piece in her life unless it was returned.
"He's worried about you, y'know." Tess addressed Maggie, bringing them both out of their respective stupors. Maggie didn't need her to say who in order for her to know.
"He shouldn't be."
"I think he has a right to be, don't you?"
"He keeps wanting me to talk about it. Like there's something to talk about. There's nothing to talk about."
"I know you don't want to relive it, believe me, I understand, but talking about it does help."
"Help's what? He thinks The Governor raped me. What is talking going to do about that?" Maggie's bottom lip trembled as she spoke and she sucked in a deep breath to hold back the rattling in her chest.
"Did he?" Tess asked quietly, afraid of the answer.
"No. I think he enjoyed the fact that I was afraid more than anything else."
"Maggie, you need to tell Glenn that. What's he supposed to think if you won't talk about it?"
Maggie sighed, her dark, stormy eyes transfixed on the ring on her wedding finger, contemplating what to do.
"I know you're right. I just hate the way he looks at me." She mumbled and Tess gave her hands an encouraging squeeze.
"He loves you. Talk to him." Maggie nodded slowly, knowing Tess was right and she had been silent for too long.
"Let me finish cutting your hair first."
—
It was pitch black outside by the time Daryl stopped walking and decided to set up camp - a local gas station with two obsolete looking gas meters rusting at the entrance would serve them well for the night. The place looked like it may very well have been abandoned even before the world went to shit but it was better than sleeping out in the open. Daryl broke in through the back door, breaking the lock, which meant he'd have to find something to barricade it with for the night. It was a small building, with only one other room - a single, empty bathroom.
"Best be some food in here." Merle grumbled, following him inside but leaving him to deal with the door.
It hadn't taken much coaxing, or any at all really, for Merle to follow him back to the prison. He'd been a miserable bastard the entire journey though. Yet, Daryl was grateful that he had decided to return with him. He knew that Merle's presence at the prison would be contentious at best but he couldn't see Rick turning him away. A fact for which he was grateful for because as much as his brother annoyed him, he didn't want to lose him. That didn't mean he much wanted to be in his presence right now though.
After finding something to secure the back door with, Daryl chose his spot for the night - situated behind the cash register where he could be alone. His brother could sleep on the toilet for all he cared. His feet hurt, his back ached and his head hadn't stopped giving him grief all week. He'd kill for one of those prison mattresses right about now. It was beginning to feel like he really had been living in the lap of luxury.
"You're on watch." Daryl instructed Merle gruffly as he lay down on the cold, hard linoleum.
"Screw the watch, man. I'm tired." He replied in a brutish manner, which Daryl didn't have the energy to argue with. Instead he just grumbled to himself and threw an arm over his eyes as his other hand gripped at the metal beneath his shirt.
He'd moved the chain from his pocket to around his neck lest he lose it or Merle try to nick it from him. It felt better having it closer anyway. Almost like he wasn't completely without her with it. He didn't care anymore what his brother thought about it and Merle hadn't brought it up again after their altercation by the bridge.
They were still most of a days walk away from the prison but with any luck, they should make it back before the evening tomorrow. It couldn't be soon enough. Daryl wanted to see Little Ass-Kicker again. He had Michonne to thank. He needed to help Rick in whatever plans they had for The Governor. He needed to apologize to Carol. He wanted to be back with Tess.
One more night. He could make it one more night.
—
Early in the morning, Tess woke to the sounds of Judith crying. It had become a normal sound and part of their life now but it didn't make it any less grating than the first time. By the time she made it downstairs, Carol was already fussing over her, fixing a bottle and trying to sooth her cries.
"She's just hungry." Carol said in a hushed voice when she spotted her by the door.
"She's got some good lungs on her." Tess smiled, looking over affectionately at the gurgling baby and then spied their dwindling formula supply. "How much food have we got left?"
"Not enough, maybe a week's worth. We'll have to make a trip for more soon." Carol told her and gently offered the bottle to Judith, quietening her.
Dawn hadn't broken yet and it was still twilight out, dark enough to be difficult to see.
"I don't suppose we can wait to be done with The Governor." Tess muttered quietly, knowing there was potentially no end in sight for that conflict. Not when they both wanted one another dead. "I'll be back in a couple hours. It shouldn't take long."
"Tess, you don't need to do that. You should be resting. Let someone else handle it."
"All I've done this week is rest. I'm gonna go crazy if I don't get out of here. I'm doing okay, it'll be fine."
"You shouldn't go on your own."
Carol knew better than to fight her on it. If she wanted to go then she was going to go and Carol couldn't convince her otherwise but the least she could expect was that Tess not go alone. Tess looked over her shoulder into the common room where Michonne was alternating between a prone hold and push ups in the space between the tables.
"I won't be." Tess assured her and walked over to properly meet Michonne for the first time.
"Hey," Tess greeted her quietly, announcing herself, "Wanna take a ride?" Michonne looked up at her suspiciously, taking in her battered appearance and friendly face and swung her dreads out of her face. Tess could understand why she was distrustful, they hadn't spoken much at all since meeting - mostly due to the fact that Tess had spent the majority of her days recuperating in her cell. They didn't know one another but Tess felt she owed her her life.
Eventually Michonne rose to her feet and slipped her sword across her body, giving the signal that she was on board. Tess smiled at her graciously and led her outside to where they parked the vehicles. She hadn't thought about them finding Daryl's bike there but they did. It was a painful reminder and one she hadn't been prepared for. Tess stared at it for much too long, torturing herself, before jumping in the front seat of the Dodge Ram 1500.
"So, where are we going?" Michonne finally asked when they were on the road.
"Back to the daycare. Judith needs more food."
"That's where they found you isn't it?"
"It is. But Merle's gone now, I suppose that's a good thing. He was the only one there. But you knew that already didn't you? You were there that day."
"Do you want me to apologize for not intervening?"
"No. You did more than anyone could've asked of you. We're alive because of you, so thank you."
Michonne frowned at her, like she hadn't been expecting that response. Her tense shoulders eased some as she realized she wasn't about to be lambasted. Her eyes scoured over Tess in the driver's seat, silently appraising her, unsure of what to make of her just yet. Friend or foe? Michonne hadn't yet decided.
"How did you know where he was taking us?" Tess asked, turning to face her assessor.
Michonne considered lying. Conjuring up some story about how she knew to avoid the truth but she didn't see the point. Tess didn't look at her with anger, only interest and she couldn't sense any underlying motive to her questions.
"I was at Woodbury, before. With a friend." Her answer was truthful but still vague.
"What made you leave?"
"If it looks too good to be true, it probably is."
Michonne's well-practiced poker face remained like a mask. Tess looked her over for any sign of emotion but her deadpan expression never slipped. It was impressive. She wanted to ask more questions but she could tell that Michonne was reluctant to be forthcoming, yet she couldn't help but ask a final one as they pulled over in front of the daycare.
"Merle was looking for you when he found us, wasn't he?"
Michonne nodded affirmatively and they both exited the vehicle.
It was an inauspicious feeling returning to the daycare. It had been over a week since Tess had been here last but it felt like a lifetime ago. The box of diapers she had been carrying out to the car when Merle found them was still sitting by the road and Tess scooped it up and tossed it in the backseat. Hopeful, she scanned the area for her bow but all she found was a single broken arrow. Some wayfaring stranger must've taken it. Tess sighed to herself and returned to Michonne who was waiting patiently for her by the front door, sword at the ready.
"Would you like to do the honors?" Tess gestured inside for her to go first and Michonne accepted with a shrug, leading the way. She watched Michonne make quick work of the two walkers that had found their way indoors, decapitating them gracefully with deft strokes of her blade.
"Anyone ever told you you'd do really well in the Star Wars franchise?" Tess smiled humorously and Michonne gave her a strange look before cracking a smile for the first time ever.
"No. No-one has ever told me that."
"How long have you had it?" Tess asked curiously, hoping she was getting somewhere with getting Michonne to feel more comfortable around her.
"A long time."
"From before?" Michonne only acknowledged her with a small nod and Tess let her carry on throughout the daycare without asking any more questions.
There was little left in the way of food, so whatever they found, they made sure to take all of it. Tess piled all she could into a bassinet, food, toys, clothing, books, and wheeled it out the front door. It clattered down the front steps, nearly getting away from her but Michonne helped her steady it. Tess wrung out her hand as the joints in her wrist and thumb began to ache, the bruising around her hand still visible and tender.
"You alright?" Michonne asked her as she piled their new supplies into the trunk of the car.
"Just sore." Tess shrugged and ignored the once over Michonne gave her, knowing she was likely assessing the still very visible bruising on her exposed skin. "You think it'll fit?" She queried, turning their attention to the crib. Michonne instructed her to lower the back seats and once they had more room, they shuffled the crib inside.
With the daycare now picked clean, Tess and Michonne set off back to the prison. The clock on the dashboard read 9:43AM.
—
Tess got an earful from Glenn when she returned to the prison. Michonne managed to slip by unscathed, looking apologetic under Tess' withering gaze as Glenn reprimanded her.
"You can't just go out whenever you want to, Tess! What if something had happened?"
"Nothing happened, Glenn." Tess refrained from rolling her eyes.
"But what if it did? We got lucky the first time with Michonne and you know that."
"I do. That's why I took her with me." Tess retorted while attempting to walk away but Glenn was insistent.
"You're missing my point."
"No, I understand fully. Either Judith starves or we get her food, those are our options."
"Then we make a plan; go as a group."
"We can't afford to go as a group! There's fuck all of us left!"
And they left it at that.
Glenn meant well and she was being overly harsh, she knew that, but Tess didn't need him to babysit her. She remained firm in her stance. Their group was growing smaller and smaller. Rick was unreliable at best nowadays - when he wasn't turning people away from their doors, he was off God knows where, seeing God knows what. They'd already lost T-Dog, now Oscar, and Daryl too. The latter of which made her the most angry - he hadn't died, he'd just left.
Glenn had been right about one thing though - they got lucky with Michonne. Tess hoped like hell she'd stick around. She still didn't know enough about her, or much at all, but she at least knew that they wanted the same thing. And if Rick had enough wits about him to let her stay, then maybe they could help each other get it.
Tess spent the rest of the morning helping Carol take care of Judith. Not that there was much to do but it was a nice change of pace that she gratefully welcomed. They set up her new bassinet in the corner of Rick's cell, which he rarely frequented, and stacked Judith's new books and toys along the small shelf opposite the bunks. They had perhaps another two weeks worth of food now. Once all that was done, they'd have to find somewhere else to begin looking.
"Have you seen Carl lately?" Tess inquired, suddenly remembering their other littlest group member.
"He comes and goes. I think Rick's absence has been bothering him." Carol surmised, looking regretful.
"I forget how young he is, y'know? I worry about him."
"So do I. It really makes you worry about her, doesn't it?" Carol indicated to Judith, lolling about in her crib, completely oblivious.
Tess gazed down at Judith's sweet little face, bright, wide eyes and toothless grin. It did make her worry. Judith was the most innocent of them all, she deserved the most out of all of them - a family, a home, love. But she was also a liability. One which would be risky to travel with if they were forced back onto the road again. The Governor would be coming for them, there was no doubt about that.
"We can't lose this place." Tess spoke grimly, a shadow casting over her features.
She didn't know if Carol heard her or not because she didn't respond but perhaps there was nothing to say. They were stuck between a rock and a hard place. The Governor unmanned them and out gunned them. If they stayed and stood their ground, would they survive? If they left and chanced life on the road, would they survive? Whichever way they chose, they wouldn't be able to get away without fighting.
"Do you know where Rick is?" Tess asked Carol after a short while.
Carol directed her to find Rick outside, beyond that she didn't know. He'd been AWOL since Lori died, mourning her death or struggling with denial, they weren't sure. Tess could sympathize, she really could, but they needed him now more than ever and they couldn't afford to lose him to his grief. Before exiting the prison, Tess grabbed a machete from their weapons cache and slipped it through her belt alongside her gun. Better safe than sorry.
It was easier than she had expected for her to locate Rick. She first spotted Hershel, standing at the far end of the field, looking out beyond the fence, calling to Rick. He had a single crutch under his arm and he used his other hand to support himself against the chain link. He called out to Rick repeatedly but never got an answer and Rick just continued his distressed pacing.
Tess jogged down the run as fast as her body would allow her, steadily breathing through the aching in her side. Before she could reach Hershel's side, Rick had already turned away and retreated in the direction of the forest, out of sight.
"Hershel," Tess called out, trying to catch her breath, "What is he doing?" Hershel turned to look at her with a stony face.
"He's been seeing Lori." He confessed, "He's a man in pain but he thinks there's a reason she won't leave him alone."
Tess chewed at the inside of her cheek as she looked out at the trees. If Rick really was hallucinating, then it wasn't safe for him to be out there on his own.
"I'll go find him. You should get back inside, it's not safe out here anymore."
Hershel didn't argue with her and she didn't wait for him to reply before ducking through the gap in the fence and following Rick out into the forest. It had been quite some time since she'd gone walking through woodland on her own that she'd forgotten how quiet it could be. The only sound came from her boots softly crunching through leaves and dirt as she tried to track Rick's trail. His movements were irregular, like he was guided by something he couldn't quite find. Perhaps he was trying to find Lori?
She wasn't entirely sure she knew what she was looking at. The tracks were haphazard and vague and she wasn't nearly skilled enough to be confident in what she was doing. The nondescript ache in her chest and pit in her stomach opened up at just the mere association. Daryl was far better at this than her. Damn him. He should be here, helping Rick. She berated him in her head, again and again, hoping it would bring her some semblance of peace but the pit just grew larger and the pain more deep.
Tess had tried not thinking about him. Forget about him, she told herself. Forget how you felt. It doesn't matter now. But the more she tried, the harder it became and the more tangled and confusing her thoughts and feelings became. Is this what heartbreak is? How could she be heartbroken when there had been nothing between them? That's not entirely true and you know it. Her inner monologue was continuously at battle, always trying to prove herself right, while constantly undermining everything she thought or felt. It was becoming tiresome and she hated herself for allowing it to happen.
Eventually, she found Rick in a small clearing, muttering to himself, clearly distraught.
"Rick?" She called out and he spun around, only to look crestfallen when he saw it was only her. "You shouldn't be out here. It's not safe." She tried pleading with him but showed no interest in listening.
"So go back." He snapped at her and turned away from her again. Tess sighed,
"Hershel told me you've been seeing Lori." Rick's shoulders visibly tensed and he froze, waiting for her to continue. "I'm so sorry about what happened, but she's gone, Rick. What you're seeing, it's not her. She's not real. You have a son and a daughter that need you right now. They're real."
"Carl doesn't need me. He hasn't needed me in a long time." He shook his head profusely, hands balling into fists.
"Rick, that's not true-" She protested and he whirled round to face her.
"My daughter… is my daughter even mine?"
"Judith is yours. No one else's. You told me so yourself." Tess tried to reason with him but she may as well have been talking gibberish for all he seemed to be understanding.
"Rick, please come back." She implored again, "I know you didn't ask for it but you're our leader. We need you."
"I'm done." Rick's chest deflated and he looked exhausted. "You lead them."
"I can't."
"Then we're done for." Rick turned and walked away from her once more.
Defeated, Tess watched him leave. She'd never seen him so hopeless before. Rick's grief was crippling him and there was nothing they could say or do that was going to get through to him. It wasn't just Lori that had him run down, too. It was the pressure of everything. Their losses, their failures, their constant expectations. It was too much for one man to handle on his own. Regretfully, she walked away too, back towards the prison. There was no use following him; it was only going to drive him further away. They'd just have to wait for him to come back to them on his own volition. Tess just hoped that would be soon.
She trudged back through the trees, feeling disheartened and growing ill from the awful churning in her stomach. Tess thought she might've been sick had she anything at all to throw up. She had to put all her focus into not dry heaving because she knew it would be painful if she did. With her concentration elsewhere, she jumped in fright when she suddenly heard gunfire ahead of her. Her heart raced in her chest and she dropped into a crouch while she tried to discern if she was being shot at. The shot's were close but they weren't directed at her. They were coming from the prison.
Tess exploded off the ground and raced back to the prison fence, pistol in hand. The closer she got the louder the gunfire grew and when she breached the tree line, she was confronted with a growing mass of walkers that were pawing at the fence; drawn in by the noise. Over their heads, Tess could see The Governor and his men parked at their gates, firing round after round from his Steyr AUG A1. She hadn't even had the chance to sight any of her friends when the walkers caught wind of her.
Ravenous and snarling, they drew away from the fence, one by one, pressing towards her until using her gun became awkward and she was forced to use the machete. She slashed and hacked at them, her body aching with every movement. For every one she took down, two seemed to take its place. They weren't going to stop until the shooting stopped and as it grew louder from returning fire, there was no end in sight. The horde circled in on her and it felt like the world stopped as she stared her own doom in the eyes. And then the eyes exploded.
Rick burst from the forest, his Colt Python in hand, firing until the chamber was empty. Tess jumped back into action, cleaving and pushing her way through the mass until she reached Rick. They fought side by side, slicing and stabbing walkers as they came down upon them but even with the two of them, the odds still weren't in their favor. Tess plunged her machete through the base of a walker's skull and shoved its corpse into the oncoming wall.
"There's too many of them!" She shouted at Rick through the chaos and all he could give her was a frantic look of regret as he fended off a walker that was getting dangerously close to biting him.
Tess tried to get to him but the walker that stood between them was bigger than her and when she lodged the blade of her machete into the side of its skull, she had to raise her boot into its chest to rip it away. She staggered back at the force, trying to get her bearings to help Rick but the walker had already fallen and in the back of its head was an arrow with white and green fletching. She recognized it all too well. Beyond Rick and the body of the fallen walker was Daryl, plain as day and like he'd never left. She was more terrified now than she had been moments ago. He was staring at her and she found herself staring at him. He was back. And so was Merle.
The roaring sound of racing tyres ripping up the road finally drew her back down to Earth. Tess watched on in horror as an old bread truck tore through their front gate and into the greenspace. The rear ramp dropped with a shuddering thunk and the armored driver fled while walkers began streaming out of the truck. Tess set aside her shock and anguish and as The Governor and his men drove away, she helped Rick, Daryl and Merle kill the remaining walkers.