Chapter 38 - Forgiveness Don't Grow on Trees

The Prison

As soon as all the walkers were dead, Tess fled. She ducked back through the hole in the fence and walked back to the Prison as quickly as she could. She still hadn't completely processed the fact that Daryl had returned and she didn't want to face him. Not yet. When she reached the courtyard, she spotted Axel, lying on the concrete, a bullet hole in the side of his head. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly, forcing herself to walk away and carried on inside.

Everyone else was thankfully unharmed. Extremely shaken up but uninjured all the same. She hugged them all gratefully, even Michonne, which seemed to surprise her but she returned it nonetheless.

"Was that Daryl out there?" Glenn asked her when she stepped away from checking on Judith. She nodded grimly,

"And Merle."

Hushed words were shared that Tess remained out of as she instead chose to take a seat at the back of the room. She anxiously picked at her nails as she waited for the door to Cell Block C to inevitably open. Her mind was reeling and she was wrought with emotions that she had no chance of making sense of. She thought she should be happy seeing Daryl again but she felt bitter, resentment overshadowing any relief or excitement that she should have felt. When the metal door creaked open, she'd drawn blood from her nails and she wiped it away on her pant leg, ashamed.

Rick walked in first. Followed soon after by Daryl and Merle. Glenn glared daggers at the older Dixon brother from across the room, standing staunchly in front of Maggie as if Merle were going to take her from him again. Tess kept her eyes firmly fixed on the ground, wishing she had more hair to hide behind. Every part of her, even the parts that were furious, wanted to lay eyes on him but something held her back. Perhaps it was the fact that they weren't alone or because she didn't know how she would react. Either way, she found herself unable to look up.

She could hear the others warmly welcoming Daryl's return. Merle, on the other hand, was largely ignored. Tess mustered up enough courage to look at him and she watched him while he lingered uncomfortably by the exit. He definitely didn't appear like he wanted to be here. His eyes shifted warily over the group, silently assessing the room for danger, until they settled on her. Tess knew he recognized her by the way his expression changed, something that looked like guilt, quickly masked with cold indifference. She returned it with a glare.

Tess didn't care to know why he'd come back with Daryl. Something told her that Merle's brutish exterior was a front, much like Daryl's had been, only worse. It served one purpose, to protect himself because deep down, he was afraid, just like the rest of them. Whatever reasoning he'd spun for the sake of saving face was only going to be a lie and she'd had enough of lies.

Her eyes finally tore away from Merle when Rick began approaching her. Her glare softened as she took in the remorseful look he gave her.

"You don't need to apologize." Tess assured him when sat down beside her.

"I do and I'm sorry. You were trying to help me and I was an asshole." Rick shook his head, shamefaced and embarrassed by his behavior.

"You were a bit of an asshole. But I forgive you."

Tess reached over and squeezed his hand reassuringly, letting him know that she hadn't taken it to heart. Rick regarded her appreciatively, grateful for her understanding. He knew he wasn't in his right mind right now. He'd been despondent and aloof as of late and he was incredibly thankful that Glenn had stepped up and Tess cared enough to try to reach out to him. Rick felt better knowing they had his back and now that Daryl had returned, whatever fog he'd been trapped in had seemingly disappeared - things didn't feel so hopeless anymore.

Almost as though summoned by mere thought, Daryl appeared in front of them. Before either of them could say anything, Rick felt Tess pull away sharply and she left without acknowledging him. The deep frown that buried itself into Daryl's forehead told him that her quick escape had left him disappointed. Rick rose to his feet and clasped his friend on the shoulder as Daryl watched Tess retreat up the stairs.

"I'd leave her alone if I were you."

But Daryl wasn't Rick and he didn't want to leave her alone. Try as he might, he wanted, no, needed to talk to her. He thought he'd be able to explain himself, let her know that he regretted it and felt like a fool. That every day away had been torturing and arduous and if there had been another way, he wouldn't have hesitated to take it. He wanted her to know that he made a mistake and the harrowing sight of her had been all he could think about for the past week. He wanted her to look at him.

Daryl wasn't ignorant to the fact that she was quite clearly trying to avoid the sight of him at all costs. When she'd laid eyes on him outside of the prison, surrounded by walkers, he had thought that she would have looked at him relieved, but, if anything, she looked afraid. He couldn't make sense of it. Thinking about it now, he didn't really know what he had expected upon his arrival. Certainly not the chaos they had run into and he wasn't quite naive enough to hope for her to welcome him back with open arms but her reaction was cold. Far colder than anyone else's. That, he hadn't anticipated.

With what little hope he had left, he ignored Rick's advice and wandered upstairs. His bedding had been removed from the landing and placed back into the cell from where it had originally come and he wondered briefly who had done that. The opaque sheet that hung across the doorway to Tess' cell was what distracted him. It was drawn closed but he could hear voices coming from beyond - a conversation he'd stumbled across in the middle of and he shouldn't have been party to.

"I'd hope so but it's not really my problem, is it?" Daryl heard Tess say. She sounded tired.

"You don't want to be mad at him forever." Carol replied to her.

"Don't I? He's just turned up out of the blue. What should I have done? Don't I deserve to be angry? Should I have just acted like it never happened and thanked him for coming back? I told him. I told him that if I ever wanted to leave, I'd say something. The least he could've done was the same for me."

Daryl had never felt more like a piece of shit in his entire life. She was right of course.

"I'm sure he would have if he could've."

"I was unconscious, sure, but he said nothing to Rick. No apology, nothing. Was I just supposed to understand? Because I don't."

Like a martyr, Daryl stood there and listened until he couldn't bear it anymore. His self hatred reached a record high and he returned to the only person that he knew would provide him with the punishment he deserved - Merle.

—

After a fitful night's sleep, Tess rose early for breakfast, choosing to eat in solitude before having to face anyone or the day ahead. She knew it had been cowardly to run away when Daryl had approached last night but having to acknowledge his presence when she'd barely even come to terms with his absence, made her feel sick to her stomach. Even now, as she forced herself to eat and thought about their inevitable reunion, her stomach churned. The longer she could without acknowledging him the better, she thought.

Life always had other plans for her though - it never appeared to matter what she wanted. Before long, everyone was up, breakfast had been finished and she could only hide in the corner for so long. Yesterday's events were promptly brought into discussion, the damage that had been done still marred their doorstep and there was no telling if The Governor had men watching them, even now.

The group was arguing about what to do next. Rick and Glenn were adamant on staying but the rest were afraid enough to want to leave. Tess didn't see leaving as an option. They'd lost too much already trying to make the prison their home and she refused to walk away from it. They'd shed blood for this place, lost some of their own in the process. This wasn't going to be like the farm again. They had to stand their ground. Not only that, but The Governor had to pay.

"We're not leaving." Rick asserted, defiantly.

"We can't stay here." Hershel argued, "What if there's another sniper? A wood pallet won't stop one of those rounds."

"We can't even go outside." Beth stressed and Carol nodded in agreement,

"Not in the daylight."

"Rick says we're not running, we're not running." Glenn declared as tensions began to run high.

"No, better to live like rats."

"You got a better idea?"

"Yeah, we should have slid out of here last night and lived to fight another day."

"But we lost that window, didn't we? I'm sure he's got scouts on every road out of this place by now."

The Governor may have had them out numbered but Tess couldn't imagine that he had enough men to have them surrounded. If they wanted to flee on foot, she was certain they could. It would be risky but it would give them a much better chance to remain hidden. If people wanted to run, she couldn't blame them. After what happened yesterday, The Governor had proven that he was a force to be reckoned with.

"We ain't scared of that prick."

"Y'all should be." Merle warned them and it was the first voice that didn't sound hollow to Tess' ears. "That truck through the fence thing, that's just him ringing the dinner bell. We might have some thick walls to hide behind, but he's got the guns and the numbers. And if he takes the high ground around this place, shoot, he could just starve us out if he wanted to."

Tess watched Merle as his eyes scanned over everyone's horrified faces. He wanted to scare them but for good reason. Out of all of them, he knew The Governor best. If anyone knew what they were talking about, it was him. He locked eyes with her as he finished speaking,

"It's all a game to him. He'll make you suffer and enjoy it while he does it."

Tess knew it was true. She'd encountered it first hand. A shiver ran down her spine as she recalled The Governor's flippant attitude to killing Marcus, like it was just another day at the office for him. He took joy in their suffering, in the power and control that he had over them. He had the upper hand, there was no denying that. He wanted them to cower and beg and pray for mercy. Tess refused to give it to him.

"Let's put him in the other cell block." Glenn declared disdainfully, irritated that they were even entertaining the idea of listening to Merle.

"No. Merle's right." Tess argued against him from her solitary corner. Glenn whirled to face her and protested vehemently,

"This is all him. He started this."

"What does it matter whose fault it is?" She countered, "The Governor's the one that wants us dead, not him. Merle didn't kill our people, he didn't break down our gates."

"He threw a walker at me!" Glenn shouted, becoming irate.

"And you lot left him on a rooftop to die, so whose fault is it really?" Tess snapped at him, rising to her feet, and Glenn reared back like she had slapped him.

"You're alright, Red." Merle chuckled darkly, enjoying Glenn's heated reaction.

"Shut the fuck up." Tess spat back at him. "I don't give a shit about what you think of me. What matters is what you know. And, Glenn, Merle knows The Governor better than any of us."

"All of the shit that happened to us," Glenn pointed to Maggie, "To you, it's because of him and you just expect me to let it slide?"

"You don't need to tell me about the shit that has happened. Hate him, I don't care, but The Governor has to pay for what he's done. As long as Merle can help us with that, I say he's on our side."

Glenn scowled furiously at her and she matched it with her own vicious glower. He had every right to hate Merle but he couldn't let it distract him from the real enemy; why couldn't he see that?

"Tess is right." Rick intervened before anything more could come of the volatile situation. "Merle stays."

Glenn stormed out of the room on flaming heels like he'd just trekked through hell. The door to Cell Block C slammed shut and Judith began crying in the other room. It was a temporary ice breaker that brought the conversation to a close; for now. Tess sighed to herself, her eyes squeezing shut tightly as she frowned in frustration. That had gotten out of hand. She'd let Glenn cool off for a while and then try to explain herself better, perhaps then she could convince him that Merle was a necessary evil.

With the wolves at their gates, they were relegated to remaining indoors. At least until they knew for certain that they weren't being watched, it wasn't safe for them to go outside. That meant that all Tess could do was bide her time in the sanctuary of her cell. And that quickly became boring. Tess could only busy herself for so long - completing the book Carol gave her, pulling apart and cleaning every inch of her gun; tidying her belongings and straightening out her bed. All of that, consumed in less than two hours. By midday, she was bored.

Maybe now was a good time to talk to Glenn. She didn't want to leave it too long and have him think she purposely intended to upset him. With an apprehensive sigh, she left her room to seek him out. He wasn't with Maggie and as it turned out, he hadn't yet returned from wherever he had stormed off to. Maggie tried not to let on that she was bothered by the morning's debate but Tess could sense she wasn't feeling very impressed by her at the moment.

"You know, I care about him, right? And you." Tess stated feebly.

"I know." Maggie replied, remaining stoic.

"I don't expect him to forgive Merle."

"I know."

"I just want this all to be over."

"I know."

Tess huffed exasperatedly as Maggie continued to offer her nothing. She supposed she deserved it but it was aggravating nonetheless and it certainly didn't bode well for her reencounter with Glenn. If she managed to find him that is. Who knew where he was?

Tess left Cell Block C to walk the corridors of the prison in search of Glenn. The hallways were slowly becoming easier to navigate as Tess became better at orienting herself within the dark passageways. She checked the prison library - it was cold, dark and small but also empty. She tried the cafeteria but no luck there either. The infirmary was also unoccupied and the last place that she could think to check, that wasn't far beyond where Glenn would risk venturing to, was the commissary.

As she passed the open window to the front desk of the commissary, Tess heard the sounds of someone walking about inside. When she rounded the corner and opened the door, her body completely froze. She remained painfully still, as though the sound of the door opening hadn't been enough to draw the attention of who was inside. When Daryl turned to look at her, she finally made to leave.

"You cut your hair."

Tess' hand locked around the door handle as he called out to her until her knuckles turned white and she thought she might crush it. Is that all he had to say? All the anger and pain that she'd squashed down deep inside her reared its ugly head and she spun back around to face him intentionally for the first time since he had returned.

"You've been gone." She growled at him, her voice rich with malice and her eyes narrowed into slits as Daryl stared at her blankly. "What? Do you have nothing to say?"

"I came back." Daryl protested lamely and Tess rolled her eyes.

"Oh okay, I guess I'll just stop being angry now?"

"I wasn't gonna leave Merle. He couldn't come back with us."

"He's here now isn't he?" Tess raised a challenging eyebrow at him and folded her arms across her chest.

"It's different now."

"How is it different? He looks like the same asshole that delivered us to The Governor."

"You just came to his defense-"

"I didn't do that for him! Or for you. I did it for me! Merle's been under the shoe of that psychopath for long enough to know what he's like, how he behaves. I need that."

"What did he do?" Daryl began to step towards her and Tess quickly held her hand out to stop him.

"Dont." She warned him and he stopped. "You don't get to pick and choose when you care about me. You lost any right to that when you left."

Tess' jaw began to ache something terrible as she harshly ground her teeth together in an effort to stop herself from spewing out every curse word under the sun directly at Daryl. It hurt more than anything that the entirety of his absence had meant nothing and even now, getting an apology from him was like squeezing blood from a stone.

"I suppose I should thank you really," Tess scoffed behind gritted teeth, "Now I know where we stand."

"Where's that?" Daryl's tone was quiet and cold, like he dreaded to hear her answer.

"Not together."

—

Tess seriously wanted to hit something. Or shoot something. Or do something terrible that would make her feel something other than the horrific desperation that consumed her. It crushed her chest. Made it hard to breathe. Difficult to focus. Like the life was being squashed out of her. It was sickening. She never wanted to be so reliant on someone else. It had always just been her. Only her. And that's how it should have remained. No amount of companionship was worth this.

But it wasn't just companionship, was it? You love him, stop trying to be above it all. Love. Still in the present tense because no matter how much anger she held, it did nothing to replace that.

Guided by some terrible vengeance, Tess found herself in the library, throwing books at the wall. She tore them from the shelves and hurled them at the concrete and they clattered in a miserable pile on the floor. The pages fluttered noisily as they ripped through the air and the whack the hard covers made as they hit the wall sounded satisfying to her ears. It was an adequate destresser that didn't harm anyone; other than perhaps the egos of some long forgotten authors.

Tess hefted a huge tome overhead and launched it away from her with both hands, watching it smack and slide down the wall into the growing mound of assaulted books. Her hands reached out for a softcover novella, grasping at it blindly and reared back in shock when the sharp edge of the page sliced open her finger. The sudden pain finally made her stop and she stared at the blood that was rising through the cut. Her anger dissipated and she shoved her hand into her pocket as she grew embarrassed by her behavior. Ashamed and guilty, she trudged back and forth between the book heap and the shelves, returning them to their rightful spots.

She felt like a child again. Lashing out because she didn't know how to deal with her thoughts and feelings. They were all too big and too loud to make sense of and it was just easier to act out than act on them. This is what she had been reduced to. It was humiliating and the more she realized that not all of her anger was directed at Daryl, the more it made her hate herself.

Self loathing was a familiar bedfellow. Tess wasn't a stranger to it. It wandered in and out of her life like a shadow or some malevolent reflection. It didn't always have the same face, the same reasons, but it was always vicious and unwavering. Spurred to life through failure or rejection, expectation and disappointment, regret or guilt. Anything that made her feel like she had let someone down. Let herself down. It happened all too often.

Oftentimes, Tess thought she intentionally set herself up for failure. Disappointment was the one thing she knew well. Better to meet it head on than to wait for it to creep up from behind. If she didn't expect anything from anyone, they could never let her down. Despite knowing all this, she did so anyway. She expected Daryl to be there when she woke up. She expected him to say something before walking out of her life. She expected him to apologize. None of that had happened. She had every right to be angry with him. And it seemed only right that she be angry with herself too.

—

It was after noon by the time Tess left the library. She'd completely forgotten about trying to find Glenn and the risk of the outdoors didn't seem all that important when compared to her desire to want to be free of the confines of the prison. The air was too stuffy here. The rooms, too dark and morose. She wanted to see the sky and feel the breeze. She didn't want to feel like she was trapped.

She walked along the familiar path that she had taken weeks ago with T-Dog and Carol, towards the door that led out to the back of the courtyard. The door groaned as she pushed it ajar and slipped out. Tess crouched to sit on the steps - no one would be coming out through here. The air was warm and still, no breeze to speak of, but it was a pleasant change to the staleness indoors. She rested her back against the door and stared up at the blue sky. Smatterings of clouds drifted along lazily, almost unmoving. Tess wondered what it would be like for life to move by so slowly like that.

Everything was constantly changing. New challenges always arose. Various problems were always needing to be solved. People came and went, lives lost and gained. The wheel kept on turning and with it, always something new. Would they ever get to a point where they could safely just live, like before? Would they ever have lives again? Or were they doomed to simply survive forevermore?

Tess was drawn from her thoughts by the sound of a car. It came from around the corner, at the front of the prison. It had to be one of them. Tess rose to her feet and quickly walked around front to see who was leaving and she saw Rick standing behind a departing sedan; one they'd picked up before finding the prison.

She couldn't see who it was that was driving away and a terrible dread settled in as she imagined that it was Daryl, leaving again. Perhaps she'd over-excelled in pushing him away, so much so that he'd decided he didn't want to stick around. As nonchalantly as she could, she approached Rick, her heart pounding in her chest.

"Someone going on a run?" She asked, hoping her voice wouldn't betray her.

"It was Andrea." Rick replied, turning to face her.

"Huh? Andrea, Andrea? How on earth…?" Tess shook her head in confusion. Andrea was still alive?

"She's been living in Woodbury. Call's The Governor Phillip."

"I don't even know what to say…" Tess trailed off, a deep frown creasing her forehead.

"I think we're all a bit surprised." Rick acknowledged, "Seems she and Michonne know each other too."

"It really is a small world." The words echoed back in her ears in the voice of The Governor and she shook her head, trying to rattle them loose.

"What was she doing here?"

"She wants us to come to some kind of truce. She thinks we can make peace."

"Then she's dumber than I thought. Her precious prince Phillip doesn't want peace. He wants to be a king."

"You don't think it's worth trying?" Rick inquired, curious to hear her thoughts because he still hadn't decided himself.

"Trying what? I don't think we can trust a goddamn word that man has to say. He'll smile at our faces and stab us in our backs. He's not going to stop until he gets what he wants."

Rick fell quiet and contemplative. He didn't know what to do. He knew Tess wanted retribution and he couldn't deny that she deserved it. Yet the risk they ran if they tried to take The Governor head on, was far too great. If there was a chance, shouldn't they take it?

"Michonne and I are going on a run tomorrow to find more guns. I'll take Carl with me too. He's not a kid anymore, I've gotta keep reminding myself of that." Rick mentioned and Tess sighed at the change in conversation.

She knew it wasn't her place to argue and remind him that Carl was still only thirteen so she bit her tongue for the most part.

"He's certainly not the same baby-faced boy from a year ago that's for sure. He's grown up a lot. Still needs his dad though."

"Sometimes, I wonder if that's true."

"I think you'd be surprised."

"Maybe you're right. Without Lori, I feel like I don't know how to be a parent anymore."

Rick turned away from her and gazed out into the distance. Tess didn't miss the forlorn expression on his face and she wondered if he was seeing his wife then, somewhere out beyond the prison.

"I don't know anything about being a parent. Or even what to expect from one. But I do know that you're a good one. Carl and Judith, they're lucky to have you. Just don't let them forget that they have you, for anything."

Tess gently pat Rick on the back of the shoulder, uncertain if he'd even heard her. He didn't show any indication that he had and continued to stare unto the horizon. She left him standing there, looking for something that couldn't be found.