Chapter 1: Raptured to Reality

Recommended listening: Toad Town - Bowser's Inside Story

Reimu Hakurei had been transported to the humble world of origin known simply as the Earth ten years ago through unprecedented and sheer circumstance, all of the characters from the Touhou-verse had been transported upon the real world known as Earth during the sudden rapture of all fiction in the fiction-verse, now stripped of their powers... they are forced to take normal jobs and perform menial tasks that are not befitting of their previous status... some were raptured into positions of power and wealth while others were raptured to death such as the fates of Larry The Cucumber and Mima... who was somehow raptured into the middle of the Earth and died a brutal death and was forever forgotten as usual...

"Eat my fucking shorts, this sucks balls" Reimu spat out bitterly as she began shoving groceries into small plastic bags for the common masses now that she had been plucked from her little vine of innocence in Gensokyo ten years ago during the rapture, she had been taken out of her little bubble of safety as a shrine maiden with OP powers, now she had to perform this boring motherfucking labor that was reserved strictly for the real world, not the usual world of Touhou which involved girls shooting lasers at each other with elfin fervor and diarrhea.

Reimu angrily observed the Walmart she worked at, it had been connected to the great Aventura Mall which was located in Aventura, Florida... the Walmart was the same as usual for there was the usual crying babies, stupid teenagers, idiots, foolish fools and of course... the conspiracy theorists who claimed that SERN was part of some evil conspiracy about time machines n' shit like that.

"Look at those motherfucking idiots, they're all stupid-ass motherfuckers who are probably going to die today or tomorrow, climbing on Milk Crates stairs n' shit." Reimu pointed at a group of dumb teens, probably the proof that the human race has gone to shit during the year of 2060... her eyes rolled at this stupid display of utter stupidity of these motherfucking teenagers and her colon churned in disgust at this scene.

As Reimu spoke with raw fuckrage, one of the teens… a broccoli-headed motherfucker with a vulgar shirt began to climb up the staircases before falling and crashing down onto the cold floor of the pavement... splitting their head asunder in a scene which surely made everyone in the Aventura Mall shudder in raw disgust, though Reimu didn't give a shit as she merely swept up the blood and tossed the ruin skull in the trash where it belonged, she would leave it for the garbage truck to dispose of the ruined body... it would be an easy way of disposing the ruined corpse where this fuck came from... how dare she make the new employee work harder to dispose of their bodies?

Reimu couldn't care less at this fucked-up scene, if this dumb-ass was willing to risk his life for some sweet clout, so be it... Reimu rolled her eyes and spoke to her boss with annoyance and indifference.

"Hey fucker, we should enforce a 'No TikTok policy' in this motherfucking mall, those fuckers are everywhere and getting their asses killed" Reimu spoke with annoyance, she was more annoyed at having to clean up the blood and gore than the actual motherfuckers themselves... plus her fucking shoes were covered in blood now.

"What are you, city council?! Shut your yapping and get back to work!" Reimu's boss spat out bitterly, he was walking around the Walmart and keeping a tight leash on employees, his name was Cool Cat... he used to star in a movie called Cool Cat Saves The Kids, Reimu overheard a conversation going on between Cool Cat and another employee who was working construction.

"You still haven't told me what to do with these boards."

"Just move those boards over there, board mover!"

"Okay... jackass..."

The employee swore under his breath, he was officially known as the "Board Mover" as he had been assigned the job for no other reason than because this orange cat-suit wearing motherfucker named Cool Cat decided it was funny, Reimu though about cabbage sandwiches and peanut butter cookies, they reminded her of that one time she shared cookies with her best friend, Marisa Kirisame that one day after she had stolen them from Patchouli Knowledge... before they got fucking raptured that was.

As Reimu carefully swept up the dead bodies of the now dead teenagers, she looked over and saw two motherfucking pieces of shit who had begun arguing with each other with raw fuckfury and elfin fervor, such was the state of this shitty, no-good motherfucking mall... those two motherfucking pieces of shit were none other than Fujiwara No Mokou and Kaguya Houraisan... both who had also been raptured but through sheer fucking chance, they had met.

"Bitch!, you're such a fucking dumb-ass Kaguya..." Mokou spat out bitterly, lighting up a cigarette which were now being sold to children after the great Tobacco lobbying act of 2030 which marked a mass-downfall of Vapes as Tobacco was the hot shit once again.

"Nah, fuck you Mokou... you dumb piece of shit! I'm telling you that you must quit eating meat and go Vegan, it's not good for the damn environment to support the meat industry!" Kaguya Houraisan argued back, she had not only been stripped of her status as a lunar princess back in the day, but she had also now lost Eiren and all of her bunnies which served her after the rapture... she had been raptured to your average Suburban family though her lost status combined with her sheer laziness caused her to now become a pathetic NEET who did nothing but scroll through Reddit all day, getting angry and outraged through social media filters and utterly fucking up her brain which had caused her to go through a phase of rabid Veganism which had begun to annoy Mokou.

"What the fuck did you say to me bitch-maggot? Do you want me to kick your fucking ass, you're a NEET who does nothing but play Call of Duty all day... at least play something without a fucking screen" Mokou sighed, exhausted by Kaguya's stupidity... she imagined that this fool was likely a casualty of the TikTok era which swept the nation... Mokou didn't nearly have the same opportunities to sit her ass on the couch and play games all day... she had to worry about getting her fucking ass shot.

"Excuse me, but I am the very best gamer on the planet... thank you very much" Kaguya sniffed... she was wearing a black GAMESTOP hoodie she bought from Amazon which came from some shitty sweatshop in China, "And that makes me the pinnacle of human society, you worm."

"Worm? Last time I checked, at least I have proper posture... look at your hunched-over posture, weak and adapted to play Video Games or look at the fucking phone all day, it took mankind millions of years to evolve, now you're back to being hunched over and playing those silly games." Mokou spoke as her buttocks churned in disgust.

"And you? at least I'm an elite gamer, you do nothing but get piss-ass drunk and vomit on the floor or commit robberies... you fucking delinquent, I'd tear your ass apart but I prefer not to get arrested by the fuckin' police tonight" Kaguya snarls, getting up in Mokou's face.

"Fuck those pigs, don't get me involved with those fucking fucks" Mokou responded brutishly, she was wearing a black hoodie which came from some shitty store in the ghettos.

Reimu watches this conversation with disdain, she had the utmost disgust for how far these twerps have fallen since the loss of Gensokyo years ago, I mean when it came down to it... so many of the Touhou-verse cast had fallen off or had been suddenly propped up to become elites following the rapture... but the vast majority had fallen off hard... Sanae was a druggie, Yuyuko was a food critic, Marisa was a military soldier, Yukari was a politician for Texas, Yuuka was a B.D.S.M pornstar & Dominatrix and Cirno was still a fucking baka.. still a motherFUCKING Baka ⑨.

Mokou, once the great and powerful immortal who controlled the flames was now reduced to a gangster with a gnarly face-tattoo of gawd knows what, she had been raptured to a shitty Inner-City household in the middle of the shitty parts of Los Angeles, California... she had to adapt to the shitty lifestyle of the HOOD and garnered a massive hatred for the Los Angeles Police Department and those motherfucking hoes and prostitutes who lined the motherfucking streets, she also garnered a massive hatred for High School as she had attended the shit-heap known as Washington Heights High School where there was probably fights during every single day.

Kaguya went from being a lunar princess who was immortal and wielded the powers of infinity and was now brought down low to that of a filthy, dopamine addicted Redditor who lived in the basement of her middle-class family, she had long lost that royal elegance she once had and was now almost a living soyjak stereotype... though she still carried that haughty princess snobbery that gave her that aura of being a fucking Redditor with their pretentious and self-righteous idiocy which could make even God cringe...

Kaguya had grown lazy and gave-up on life as she had been stripped of all of her servants and all of her status, so she became a motherfucking NEET who had become a dopamine addict, her brain was fucked and fried... and now these two fucks were arguing with each other.

So Reimu did what anyone would do and she looked down upon them, she looked down upon them for not only losing everything since being raptured... but because they became such little shits who offered nothing to society beyond bickering and doing stupid shit... though this mainly applied to Kaguya in this case and despite being raptured into two entirely different sections of America, they somehow managed to congregate here of all places to argue again and to maintain that pathetic hatred they had over each other for thousands of years, they would never stop this fucking rivalry.

"God... at least I didn't end up like them or that old hag Yukari who keeps on lazing around in politics... I'd rather eat raw eggs and pick-up shit off the street than become like those guys..." Reimu scoffed, for even the worms in the dirt scorned upon those pathetic two... Reimu scorned Kaguya especially for wasting her life and accomplishing nothing... and when her funds inevitably run out, she will be broke and homeless... similar to the shitty situation of Mokou.

Mokou wasn't much better though, she was still a fucking idiot who got arrested three times for robbery and fucked around too much instead of studying and trying to change her life, she just sat there and took on all the shit which came her way.

It was a shame because Reimu didn't think they were that bad of people, but as soon as their entire selves were raptured to the real world, they became insecure, pathetic and stupid girls who reeked of entitlement or mental illness... and Reimu hated what they had become ever since the end of Gensokyo.

Feeling pity upon seeing the two girls begin fighting each other to the death, Reimu sighed and approached them in a bid to hopefully get them to shut the fuck up about this pathetic rivalry once and for all.

"Hey fuckers, cut that shit out... this isn't Gensokyo anymore and you two need to get jobs, quit fucking around with each other and generally just get the fuck out of this Walmart for now... go look at the rest of the motherfucking Aventura Mall for a fucking change." Reimu sighed, ripping the angry girls apart for the time being and once they had left, Reimu swore under her breath.

"Thanks Dicksleeve, like I can totally get a job with this motherfucking tattoo on my face!" Mokou spoke brutishly, she was disgusted by the words of the Reimu but walked away... the back of her hoodie had a GUCCI logo, Reimu knew Mokou was poor as shit and yet for some reason, insisted on buying overpriced shit.