Chapter One
"What have we got, Maur?" Jane asked as she took in the scene before her.
Maura was kneeled down, leaning over a body, two techs holding a tarp over both the ME and the body in an attempt to protect any evidence from being ruined by the light sprinkle. The rain was moving in fast and they had precious little time to get this body moved before the light sprinkle became a downpour. Jane looked up to the sky, sending up a silent prayer that any heavy rain would hold off for at least another ten minutes. Her attention quickly reverted back to the ME as she began speaking.
"Female, mid thirties, multiple stab wounds. Cause of death is not immediately apparent but Jane, she appears to have been tortured."
"How long has she been dead, Maur?"
"Lividity suggests less than eight hours ago. Blanching has not yet set in. Due to the wounds inflicted and the lack of blood, I would speculate that this is not where she died."
"Was that a guess, Dr. Isles?" Jane asked, unable to keep the smile from her face.
"Absolutely not, it was a mere observation that led to a logical conclusion given my experience with crime scenes. I will know more once I have completed the autopsy but I would estimate a significant blood loss given these wounds."
Jane smiled. She could see through the icy exterior of Dr. Isles to the woman who had been laughing on the couch beside her only three hours prior. Jane had convinced Maura to watch a ridiculous comedy with her for their weekly Friday night ritual which had led to Maura critiquing the unlikely series of events. Jane couldn't help but laugh at the other woman's complete disbelief of the story line, making the movie night that much more enjoyable. The two had fallen asleep on Maura's couch with the blonde's head on Jane's shoulder. Angela had come in to make tea a short time later and woke them insisting that they would have sore necks in the morning if they stayed that way. Jane had helped a sleepy Maura to stand before both women retired to their separate rooms. Jane taking the guest room and Maura retreating to the king sized bed in her own room. Jane's head had barely hit the pillow when her phone rang.
"It appears her mandible has been removed." Maura commented, bringing Jane's attention back to the scene and the smile fell from her face as she took a good look at their victim for the first time.
"Her jaw?" Jane asked, repulsed at the idea as she noted the lack of shape to the lower half of the woman's face.
"Yes Jane, the lower part of the jaw bone."
"You gonna do the autopsy tonight?" Jane asked. She was torn between concern over her friend's lack of sleep and the need to solve this case as quickly as possible.
"No, Jane. I have had less than two hours of sleep, it would be irresponsible to perform an autopsy in this state. I would like this case solved immediately as well but I do not feel as though I will be as efficient or precise given my lack of sleep. It would be better for me to wait until morning after I have been able to get at least three REM cycles."
"Ok Maur. I'll have a uniform drive you home."
"That won't be necessary. I need to process the scene and I will accompany the body back to the morgue. I can at least process the clothes and her belongings for you tonight." Maura replied.
"Are you sure? I am just going to finish processing the scene and talk to the witness who found her body. Then I am going to go home and get a few hours of sleep. We will pick back up tomorrow."
"Ok, let me know when you're ready to go home. I will work until you're ready." Maura replied, placing a hand on Jane's forearm. The assumption that they would be going home together wasn't strange to either woman, though if either had examined it further, maybe they would have found it so.
"Ok, let's get this scene photographed so the ME can get this body out of here before the rain really hits." Jane shouted to the team around them.
Two hours later Maura was finished cataloging all of the victim's clothing and belongings. She had swabbed them for samples, being as meticulous as usual. Having the aid of Susie really helped speed the process. They had photographed every item of clothing as well as the body. Maura noted a small star tattoo behind the victim's left ear and a double ear piercing. Aside from that no birthmarks or scars of note. They had dusted buttons for prints, removed every fiber that appeared out of place, and found no evidence of semen in the victim's underwear. The exhausted ME really could not do anymore until she was ready to begin her autopsy but Jane had yet to contact her.
"What next Dr. Isles?"
"We call it a night, Senior Criminalist Chang."
"But we haven't completed the autopsy."
"How many hours of sleep did you have prior to us getting called in at midnight?"
"About three. I fell asleep watching a new documentary about fallout shelters and the preparation for doomsday."
"Well, it is now three in the morning and I have had two hours of sleep. Between the two of us we have not even gotten six hours, which is the bare minimum to function optimally for one person. It would be irresponsible to perform an autopsy under these circumstances. We will both go home and get some sleep. I will see you back here at, let's say, ten am." Maura replied, looking down at the watch her bio mom, as Jane liked to refer to Hope, had gifted her last Christmas.
"Ten?"
"Yes, Susie, I don't want to see you a minute before." Maura replied. She knew she would need to come in earlier than ten but she could get by without Susie for an hour or two.
"Would you like a ride home, Dr. Isles?"
"Actually, that would be very helpful, Susie. Let me just text Jane to let her know I am heading home."
Jane looked down at her phone as it pinged. She barely kept the smile from her lips as she saw Maura's name appear. They had processed the scene and gotten the body loaded into the van thirty seconds before the downpour started. Thankfully the weather man had been off by several hours or much of their evidence would have been contaminated or ruined by the amount of rain currently coming down. They had interviewed the guy who had stumbled upon the body, though he had been of little use. He now sat in the drunk tank until he could sober up and they could try to gather any useful information from him. Jane didn't hold much hope, knowing a guy with his level of inebriation wouldn't make a good witness, even less so in the morning when he's had a chance to forget everything. They had then canvassed the area and checked any local businesses that might have video surveillance of their victim or her assailant.
The detective was soaked to the bone and exhausted. None of the businesses would be open for another four or five hours. Korsak had already left, along with Frankie and Nina at Jane's insistence. It was only Frost and Jane remaining in the BRIC. They were attempting to view footage of any traffic cams but they were both exhausted and snippy. Jane knew they weren't getting any further without getting some rest and changed out of wet clothes. Not to mention some more eyes on the footage.
"Ok, let's break, time to go home, Frost. Go get changed, get some food, and get some sleep. We will start back up fresh in the morning."
"You sure?" Frost asked.
"Yea we aren't doing any good here. We all need sleep and to get warm." Jane said, putting her phone up to her ear to call Maura.
"Jane." Maura answered on the first ring. She could hear the smile and exhaustion through the phone in the other woman's voice.
"Hey, have you already left with Susie?"
"No, we were just locking up for the night. Headed to the elevators now."
"Meet me in the lobby. I'm leaving too, I'll give you a ride. We've done all we can do for the night."
"I'm glad you decided to get some rest. I will see you in a few minutes."
XXXXX
By the time Susie arrived the next morning, Maura was already halfway through the autopsy. She had gone home, slept for an additional three and a half hours, showered, and eaten a nutritious breakfast before returning to work. Despite having woken at the same time, Jane had left the house more than half an hour before Maura. She had showered, made an instant cup of coffee in a to-go mug, and then at Maura's insistence, grabbed the granola bar and banana off the counter to eat breakfast on her way to pick up Frost. The two were currently off gathering video footage from the businesses surrounding the area where the body dump had occurred.
In her autopsy process, Maura had learned with just a quick assessment of the body that someone had taken great care to alter any way for them to ID the victim. Her fingertips had been burned beyond recognition. Maura grimaced when she concluded it had been done peri-mortem. It would have been a painful process, probably done with a blow torch or another high powered flame. She swabbed the hands and fingertips for the presence of an accelerant. When she had gone to floss the victim's teeth and take dental impressions, she realized nearly half of the victim's upper teeth had been removed, the rest damaged in order to make dental identification very difficult, if not impossible. Given that the entire lower jaw was missing, the ME had no lower teeth to get information from. Maura sighed as she looked down at the victim. At least the dental damage seemed to have happened post-mortem.
"Who did this to you?" Maura asked the dead woman on her table.
The ME had counted nearly three dozen penetrating wounds. Most of the wounds were superficial and none alone appeared to be life threatening. The removal of her mandible, however, along with the penetrating wounds had caused exsanguination. She was frustrated to find so little evidence and horrified to realize just how miserable this woman's death had been. To bleed out from this many wounds, not to mention the broken bones, bruises, and burns, it had been a violently slow and painful death. It had also been deliberate, not in a fit of passionate rage. It appeared as though the woman's mandible had been removed last. Maura was able to determine that her instincts had been correct and the person who removed her mandible had knowledge of the anatomy, extensive knowledge, making their suspect pool smaller than it had been at least. Maura felt an uneasiness as she realized it very well could be another doctor and absolutely was someone with a medical background.
The vaginal examination revealed that it was unlikely intercourse had occurred near the time of the victim's death. Maura had performed a rape kit and submitted it for lab testing but had been unable to find any evidence of semen. Maura was also unable to obtain any obvious fingerprints or evidence that might have the killer's DNA. Jane was not going to be happy with these findings. As if the detective could hear Maura's inner thoughts, Maura heard the strike pattern of one Jane Rizzoli approaching.
"Did you know that your heel strike pattern is very noisy and distracting? You likely need to see a chiropractor, Jane. Your left foot is hitting the floor much heavier than your right." Maura said in greeting without looking up from the sutures she was placing.
"I'll take that under advisement. Tell me you've got something for me, Maur."
"Not much, I'm afraid. But the lack of evidence tells me a lot."
"Ohhhkay, care to share with the class?"
"No, but I will share with you. Her fingernails were ripped out perimortem and her fingertips were burned off with some sort of flame. I suspect something using butane due the residue I swabbed but we're waiting on the mass spectrometer to confirm. She was severely dehydrated and had nothing but bile in her stomach indicating that she likely had not had anything to eat or drink in several days. It is unlikely that she was sexually assaulted, there is no evidence of recent intercourse and I did not find the presence of semen. Whoever did this dressed her after they tortured and stabbed her but I have found no fingerprints and very little trace evidence on her clothing. She died from exsanguination due to the removal of her mandible and nearly three dozen stab wounds. They knew what they were doing, they avoided all major organs and arteries. Something that would be difficult to do in a rage given she was stabbed thirty five times with a small dull weapon. The jeans appeared to be several sizes too big which leads me to believe that she was not dressed in her own clothing."
"She bled out?"
"I'm afraid so."
"How do you know she was dressed after the attack occurred?"
"There were no fibers in any of the thirty five stab wounds I counted and swabbed. She had to have been naked while being stabbed. Or at the very least had no clothing in the areas where she was being stabbed at that time. There's also evidence of blood on the inside of the clothing but no tears in the clothing where the stab wounds would line up."
"How long are we thinking she was with the killer?"
"Probably several days, Jane, there is evidence indicating she was severely dehydrated and there was nothing but bile in her stomach. Identification will be difficult unless we see a missing person matching her description."
"What about dental identification?"
"Most of her upper teeth were removed and what remains are heavily damaged, intentionally so. Obviously her lower teeth were removed with the lower jaw. I doubt we will get very far with dental identification. I did, however, take an indentation for comparison just in case."
"So we have a Jane Doe that someone did not want identified. Or at the very least wanted to slow down the identification process."
"You know how I feel about calling our unidentified victims "Jane". And yes, I would be comfortable with that conclusion given the evidence."
"Ok well if you don't want me to call her "Jane", what should we call her? Maura Doe?"
"Why would I like that any better?"
"What do you suggest?"
"Jane has not been the most popular girl name since 1945. Maura was the most popular at its height in 1964. Given the elasticity of our victim's skin, her general health, and the appearance of her pubic symphysis on x-ray I would be comfortable placing our victim in the thirty to thirty five year age range. Though she could be several years older than that. Either way, she was likely born in the mid to late 1980's. The most popular girl name in Massachusetts in 1985 was Jennifer, followed by Jessica and Ashley."
"So Jennifer Doe?"
"I think that is a more accurate name, don't you?"
"I'm glad you spent the last five minutes clearing that up for me, Maur."
"Jane, you know the anxiety it has caused me to refer to victims as Jane given the amount of times you could have ended up on my autopsy table. Make fun of me if you must but I insist on calling our unknown victims something other than Jane. Or Maura."
"Sorry Maura." Jane said, feeling a little sheepish at the sight of her visibly upset best friend.
"You are forgiven."
"Frankie and Nina are running through video surveillance of the businesses surrounding the dump site. Korsak interviewed our witness but he really couldn't remember much. No surprise there given his blood alcohol level and IQ probably match."
"That is an impossibility, Jane."
"You're right, Maura, his alcohol level is much higher." Jane joked, earning a rare eye roll from the blonde. Jane smiled before continuing, "Anyway, Frost and I are at a stand still until we get something. He's looking for missing women that match her description. I hoped we would get something from her body or her clothing."
"Hopefully we will get the tox screen back soon. I sent out for some additional testing. Maybe we will get something more concrete when the lab results are in."
"You said a small, dull weapon? Any ideas on what that might be?"
"I will have to do more testing to determine what the weapon likely was. I will have Nina and Susie run some scenarios through the weapons databases. These wounds here," Maura said, pointing to the small, circular wounds, "were done with something long and cylindrical. Like a screwdriver but I think it would have had to have been sharper than a screwdriver."
"Thirty five stab wounds with a small, dull weapon, and none of them caused death?"
"Not alone, no. They would have been painful but even after the thirty fifth wound was made it would have taken time for her to die. The combination caused massive bleeding. And though no major arteries or organs were injured, she had many small vessels damaged. The removal of her lower jaw required manipulation around several large vessels of the neck not to mention the musculature. Obviously that was done with a scalpel or much sharper and different blade. He also must have had the appropriate medical tools. I can make a list after consulting with a surgeon friend of mine. She also had fractures of both arms and her left leg."
"Poor girl."
"It was a terrible way to die." Maura replied. The two were silent for several moments as they looked at the battered body of their victim sadly. "There's one more thing."
"More?"
"She was closed under her chin. I wasn't able to see it clearly last night as it was sideways and I was more focused on preliminary work. But look here." Maura said, tilting the woman's head up so Jane could see what she was talking about. Jane stared for a few minutes, when she gasped, Maura knew she had seen it.
"A Y-incision?"
"Yes."
"Is that typical? I mean aside from autopsies? Like for surgeries or stitches or something?" Jane asked, already knowing the answer.
"It is not. A Y- incision is almost exclusively used by pathologists for the purpose of autopsies. Though I can't for certain say it wouldn't be used by someone somewhere for something else."
"So, this guy could be a pathologist or mortician or coroner."
"He definitely has medical knowledge." Maura could agree to that much.
"Ok, this helps. Thanks, Maur. I'll check in with you later. How late are you staying today?" Jane asked, the gravity of the death coupled with the silence making her more uncomfortable than usual in the morgue. She couldn't bring herself to leave just yet, despite her sudden and unexpected discomfort.
It was the weekend, though for a homicide detective and a medical examiner that didn't mean guaranteed time off. In fact, an infuriating number of murders occurred over the weekends. Still, she knew Maura had been wanting to go to Franklin Park Zoo to visit Bass. She also knew the blonde liked to spend several hours over the weekend writing. There was little more the ME could do for them here until they gathered more evidence and they both knew it. However, sometimes the ME stayed and worked on other things in a show of solidarity with her beloved detectives. Today Jane hoped Maura would go home and enjoy at least part of the day.
"I am just going to finish closing up Jennifer Doe and then I will check to see if any of our results are in. I will let you know when I am ready to go home. Are you planning on working all day?"
"We have a lot of footage to cover and missing person's records to go through but with the five of us working on it, hopefully we will catch a break sooner rather than later. I will see you for family dinner tomorrow though."
"Ok. Your mom is teaching me to make her Bolognese sauce."
"Seriously? She hasn't given up that recipe to anyone, Maura. I told you that you were her favorite."
The blonde only flashed a shy dimpled smile in return. Jane wasn't sure if it was because the blonde couldn't lie and therefore couldn't deny the claim or because she was still self-conscious receiving praise at times. Either way, Jane found it endearing. Maura focused her attention back on the last few sutures while Jane watched in silence. The detective really had no other reason to stay but she found herself wanting to be in the other woman's presence. When Maura carefully placed the last stitch, Jane had no other excuse to stay in the morgue.
"You still gonna go visit Bass?"
"I'd like to. The weather is pleasant, it's finally warm enough for him to come out of his enclosure. I haven't seen him since last fall."
"Why don't you ask Tommy and TJ to go with you? Or Ma? I'm sure my Ma would love to go."
"I would love the company of any of the three of them, really but I'd like to visit Bass alone this time. I have a lot of catching up to do with him."
"Ok, just be careful, ok?" Jane said.
The brunette wanted to say more, knowing that Maura often confided in Bass when she needed to work something out. But since having Jane, the blonde had needed to confide less and less in Bass since she had a human to share her inner thoughts with. If something was bothering her best friend, Jane wanted to help. She decided against pressing the issue, maybe Maura just needed a little time. She made a mental note to revisit the conversation at a later date.
"I will."
"And tell your turtle I said hello."
"He's a tortoise, Jane. Something I have told you on multiple occasions and given your above average intelligence, I must conclude that you refuse to call him a tortoise simply to annoy me. Or should I explain the difference between turtles and tortoises once again?" Maura asked.
Jane smiled wide. She loved their banter. It was her favorite part of the day. "No Maura, I know the difference. Let me know when you get results, yea?"
"Of course."
XXXXX
Jane was busy trying to identify a few people who had been seen on the surveillance videos from the businesses surrounding the alley where their victim had been found when she received Maura's text that she was getting ready to leave for the day. Jane looked at the clock, her stomach growling at the same time. Making a decision she sent a quick text to Maura asking the blonde to wait for her in the lobby.
"I'm going to go grab lunch real quick with Maura. We're going to the deli, send me your orders." Jane said, grabbing her wallet from her desk drawer. She hoped the honey blonde wouldn't mind the spontaneous lunch.
"You don't need to walk me to my car, Jane. It's the middle of the day." Maura said as she stepped off the elevator and into the lobby to see Jane waiting for her.
"I wasn't going to walk you to your car. We need food, everyone is getting a bit hangry. I thought you and I could grab lunch before you head home."
"I suppose that lemongrass lentil soup does sound delightful." Maura replied, her breakfast having been burned off long ago.
"It's eighty degrees out, Maur."
"That doesn't change my craving, Jane."
The two walked the short distance to the sandwich shop and got into line. It took only a few seconds for Maura to realize they had stopped serving soup for the duration of the season. With Memorial day just ten days away they were heading into their busy season and tourists didn't want soup. Deciding on a turkey avocado salad instead with clear disappointment Maura placed the order for the two women. Jane placed an order for six additional sandwiches and drinks to go once Maura had completed their order.
"Who is the sixth sandwich for, Jane?" Maura asked curiously.
"Me."
"But aren't you going to stay and eat with me?"
"Yea, I got a sandwich to eat now and one for later. I expect it will be a long night. I want to get as much done today as possible so we can take a few hours for family dinner and the game tomorrow."
"Oh." Maura replied, sipping on her unsweetened iced tea.
"So, what is bothering you?"
"What do you mean?"
"You want to visit Bass alone. Usually that means you have something bothering you that you don't want to discuss with me."
"I miss Bass." Maura replied. She couldn't lie and this was not one but she absolutely could not discuss her worries with Jane right now.
Jane knew Maura was not telling the whole truth. She gave her a skeptical look and considered pressing her but Maura looked so…confused that Jane stopped herself. Maura never looked confused so it took Jane a second to recognize the look in the other woman's eyes. The rest of their lunch was eaten mostly in silence, each woman contemplating her own thoughts. They walked back to the precinct together, Maura helping Jane carry the drinks and food for their friends and colleagues. When Maura sat the drinks down on the break table, Jane stopped her before she could turn to leave.
"Whatever it is, I'm here, Maura. When you're ready to talk about it." Jane said, sliding her hand down Maura's arm and grasping her hand firmly.
"Thank you, Jane."
"Text me when you make it home and send me a picture of the gorillas."
"I will." Maura promised with a dimpled smile.
The last time they had gone to the zoo together, Jane had stood and watched the gorillas in their enclosure for half an hour. Maura had been pleasantly surprised that something could hold the detective's attention for so long. But then a man with a frozen chocolate covered banana had walked by and the trance had been broken. Jane had grabbed Maura by the wrist and drug her to the nearest frozen banana cart.
Maura navigated her car through the streets of Boston to the zoo. She listened to an audiobook she had discovered by accident. Well it wasn't a book exactly. It was what Susie had called fanfiction. Maura had spent hours the previous weekend researching fanfictions and had stumbled upon one that had turned her world upside down. It was about best friends who were also colleagues working in male dominated fields, both brilliant at their jobs, both dating men, and both secretly in love with each other. Maura had stopped her reading at that point, surprised by this turn of events in the story. And then she found herself comparing herself and Jane to the main characters of the story. The parallels were uncanny. And worse than that, it had forced her to recognize something that had been there all along like an itch she couldn't reach. But now it was there, right in front of her and well within reach. The question was, was this just a mere physical attraction to someone she had grown close to, or was there more to this?
Growing up, Maura had never had female friends whom she had been particularly close with. She had gone to an all girls boarding school and though her family wasn't religious, the boarding school certainly implemented religious ideology in their teachings and behavioral expectations. That being said, Maura had noticed girls enjoying each other's company, if only to rebel against the ideology in which they were forced to conform to. She herself had always been fluid when it came to sexuality. She had been open and explorative in her youth. Truth be told, she enjoyed the touch of a woman just as much as a man, if not more so. But then she had grown up and she had societal obligations. She was already socially awkward, she didn't want to add anything else to bring attention to her inability to fit in. Thus she had conformed to a lifestyle befitting an Isles.
Maura knew her parents wouldn't have cared if she had chosen a female partner. But as Maura had grown older, it seemed women were harder and harder to connect with. And Maura enjoyed men. They were easy and filled a physical need just fine. She had never really thought about her youthful dalliances, not until this story that is. Maybe because she had never had a friend like Jane she had missed the usual signs. Now that she had spent the entire week carefully examining memories and the friendship she had with Jane, their behaviors toward each other, she had reached a horrifying conclusion. She was having feelings for her best friend. She knew nothing could come of it. So here she was on a beautiful Saturday afternoon at the end of May looking for advice from the tortoise she had gotten for her tenth birthday.
"What do you think, Bass?" Maura asked, having explained the whole situation to the reptile.
The blonde was inside his enclosure feeding him some strawberries by hand as she explained her recent revelations and inner turmoil. She scratched his shell just how he always used to enjoy it, finding comfort in the familiarity. Talking to Bass was helping. She couldn't explain it with science but somehow getting this off of her metaphorical chest was giving it less power over her.
"Do you think Jane could ever feel the same way about me?" Maura asked. Bass took a big bite from the strawberry, pulling it from Maura's hand completely. Maura sighed, "I don't think so either. But sometimes she is so protective and the way she looks at me, it makes me feel like she only has eyes for me. Am I reading too much into it? We both know I am no good with social cues. I thought I was fairly good at reading Jane though."
Maura sat and watched Bass while she stewed about her feelings. Her initial reaction had been to retreat, to avoid Jane and just wait for this to blow over. After less than twenty four hours of that, she knew it wouldn't work. One because she had already missed Jane so much that she couldn't see herself lasting long enough to allow her feelings on the matter to blow over. But more importantly, she knew Jane would notice and get suspicious. If Jane was suspicious she would begin digging and pry for answers. It would be a mystery to the detective that she wouldn't be able to give up on until it was solved. This was one mystery she could not help Jane solve though. In fact, she knew she could never give Jane an inkling that there was something to even solve. Feeling better than she had an hour ago but still having no clue what she was going to do, Maura got up and said goodbye to Bass with promises of returning soon.
Maura returned home, still unsure what to do about this new revelation of hers but with a new determination to figure it out. If she could understand it, maybe she would know what to do. Science was generally her first course of action when she needed to understand something. Unfortunately, experience had taught her that no matter how hard she tried, social cues and emotions could not be understood with science. Or at least not science alone. However, her new exploration with creative writing had opened an avenue of safety that allowed her to attempt to understand emotions in a new way. Studying Jane had also helped her learn things, like sarcasm, though she still wasn't the best at executing it. When she did though, she could see the pride swell in Jane's eyes and it was worth all of the failed attempts for that alone.
With a new goal in mind, Maura opened an unused notebook. One that hadn't been used simply because she loved the image of the anatomical heart on it and hadn't wanted to litter the pages with frivolous writing. This, however, was an exploration of her feelings toward Jane. And if Jane represented any organ in the human body, it was the heart. Maura started at the beginning, writing every memory with great detail, along with any corresponding emotions she remembered feeling at the time or that each specific memory currently evoked. She was trying to determine if they had always been this way or if there had been a shift that she hadn't noticed. After four hours of writing Maura concluded three things: One, she was undeniably in love with her best friend, something she had already concluded but felt had needed reproducible results from further research in order for her to accept it completely. Two, things had shifted in the relationship at some point but under further investigation, she couldn't determine an exact time, date, or moment. It seemed as though things continually shifted throughout time and their relationship until she reached this moment. Her unknowingly falling in love with her detective little by little. It unnerved her that it had occurred without her knowledge or consent and now there was little she could do to stop her feelings. Three, she could never tell Jane. She couldn't risk losing her best friend. To be without Jane would be like living without science. She could survive but she would have no purpose. What she hadn't figured out yet was how to live with this new information.
Maura didn't know how to go on knowing how she felt about Jane while also knowing they could never be together. The thought of going on as things currently were made Maura sad. The blonde's stomach lurched as a wave of nausea hit her when an image of Jane meeting and falling in love with someone else appeared in her thoughts. Maura covered her mouth to stifle the sob that escaped her. She had no idea what to do or where to go from here.
The back door opening stirred Maura from her thoughts. She looked at the clock on her desk, it was after ten pm. Her stomach growled, she hadn't eaten anything since her salad with Jane at lunch but the recent flood of nausea made her weary. She had come home and gotten so wrapped up in writing that she lost track of time. Maura emerged from her office to find Angela at the stove making a cup of tea. Maura closed the door to her office quietly and joined Angela in the kitchen.
"Maura, I didn't know you were still awake. Have you been working this whole time?"
"Writing." Maura replied simply.
"I can't wait to read whatever you write. Do you want a cup?"
"That would be lovely, Angela." Maura replied, deciding maybe some nice tea would calm her stomach and her nerves.
Maura placed a whole grain english muffin in the toaster and pulled out the homemade orange marmalade that Hope had sent her. It was much too late for her to normally eat at this hour and she rarely ate something so sugary but her emotions were getting the best of her. She pulled out one of her greek yogurt and chia seed parfaits, deciding that would have to do for dinner tonight.
"I brought you a veggie burger from The Dirty Robber. It's in the fridge."
"Thank you, Angela. It's much too late to eat that now. I'm craving something a little sweet."
"Hope's orange marmalade?" Angela asked as Maura held up the glass dish to show her what she was spreading on her toasted English muffin.
"Mind if I have some?" Angela asked.
"Help yourself." Maura said, sitting at the bar with a steaming cup of lavender tea and her impromptu dinner.
The women sat in silence at the bar enjoying their tea and snacks together. When Angela was finished eating, she asked Maura's opinions about family dinner. The Italian matriarch generally served bolognese with baguette and bruschetta but with the early heat she was thinking a salad would be better. Maura smiled thinking about Jane, Frankie, and Korsak being served salad instead of warmed baguette with bruschetta, there would be a riot.
"Maybe a salad and bruschetta." Maura suggested.
"You're probably right. They're working themselves to the bone, they all need sustenance."
"I was going to go to the farmers market in the morning to get some herbs and a few fruits and vegetables. I could get the ingredients for a nice salad."
"I could join you if you don't mind."
"Of course not, Angela." Maura said. She stood and gathered their plates and mugs to wash and place in the empty dishwasher.
"How did your visit with Bass go?"
"It went well. I miss having him here." The blonde confessed.
"Are you ok, Maura?" Angela asked flat out. The woman never was one for beating around the bush.
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know, that's why I am asking."
"I am alright, Angela, thank you for asking. We should get some sleep if we are going to make it to the farmers market before it is terribly busy."
"Ok but I am here if you ever need to talk. My lips are sealed." Angela said, miming zipping her lips. Maura smiled, Angela couldn't keep a secret despite her best intentions. Even if she weren't Jane's mother the blonde would not confide in her.
"Thank you, Angela. Sleep well."
"Sweet dreams, Maura." Angela said, pressing a kiss to the side of Maura's head.
Maura sighed in relief as she closed her bedroom door and stood with her back against it for a few moments. She closed her eyes and took a few moments to focus on her breathing. How was she ever going to make it through this without breaking into hives? How long could she avoid answering questions directly? Maybe it was time to take a small vacation, get some space to collect her thoughts and allow this feeling to pass. She quickly dismissed that idea, they were in the middle of a case and a vacation wasn't immediately feasible. Maybe she just needed to get this out of her system with someone else, someone female. Maura had always had a healthy sexual appetite, one she had satisfied in a series of casual relationships. It had been a while, maybe fulfilling that specific need would give her more clarity. Maura's phone chimed, interrupting her thoughts. It was Jane.
Hey Maur, how was your visit with Bass? -J
My visit with Bass was exactly what I needed, thank you for asking, Jane. -M
Are you sure you're ok? -J
Maura read the text from Jane and sighed. The detective had a knack for knowing when people were not being honest and Maura had a built in lie detector in the form of hives. She thought about her response, needing a moment to formulate her response in a way to make Jane stop asking. Before she could reply, Jane sent three more messages.
Mom said you came home from the zoo and went straight to your office… -J
And you were in your office for hours, you even missed the veggie burger she
brought home for you -J
Is it Hope again? Just tell me what is wrong, I want to help -J
Maura sighed again, typing out a response that hopefully would satisfy Jane's curiosity and keep her from inquiring further, at least for a while.
Yes, Jane, I am ok - Not a lie, Maura was in perfect health both physically and mentally.
My progesterone levels are rising and I suspect a fluctuation in my serotonin levels
are changing as they do every month. I am feeling a little more emotional. I miss
Bass and it was a long winter without him but I will be ok. - Also, not a lie. Maura
was premenstrual and feeling emotional
I have not been in contact with Hope recently- Maura made a mental note to reach out to the woman. Their relationship had been strained in the beginning but they were finding more solid ground now.
Do you need to go to the doctor? -J
Maura smiled, Jane was going to regret asking that question.
No Jane, a change in hormone levels during menstruation is perfectly normal -M
Ugh, Maur, TMI -J
Maura laughed, the explanation had worked. She had been able to give Jane a truthful reason for her behavior while also keeping her secret. She had also succeeded in further inquiries, at least for the time being. Jane was always squeamish around any conversation involving sex or sex organs in general.
Goodnight Jane. Be safe. -M
Night, Maur, always :) -J