-Darin-

I walked through the halls of the Everbright, nodding to troopers and the occasional Spec as I passed. It's been two days since I came to, and I felt like I was back to form. I could feel the Force flowing through me. And with it, the worsening pain.

Tag explained the deal that was made with Than and Ster during my absence, and discussed the cost of our little rescue mission on Tatooine. Ster spoke with me about the Alliance and the volatile situation they were currently in the middle of. Catherine went over our recent supply census with me. M5 complained incessantly about the broken bacta tank. Things were more or less back to normal.

But not quite.

Sadie was avoiding me.

Just the thought of that pained me more than I cared to admit.

I stopped in front of Sadie's room with butterflies in my stomach and knocked on her door.

I heard footsteps, and the door opened in front of me.

My heart did a little tap dance upon seeing her. Her hair was longer, going slightly below the shoulders now, and nicely framed her beautiful facial features.

The Order forbade emotions dealing with anything romantic. Growing up in the Order, I was never allowed to feel them. Never allowed to express them. I started allowing myself to feel them since leaving the Order, and while it felt awkward and uncomfortable, there was something that felt natural about them. It felt freeing, but at the same time it was terrifying.

"Umm hi?" Sadie said, and I realized that I had been standing at her door and saying nothing for a few seconds now.

"Can we talk?" I asked rather abruptly.

She didn't look like she wanted to, but she opened the door and let me in. I took a seat on the floor, and she sat on her meditation mat, being sure to avoid eye contact.

"You're avoiding me," I said carefully. I didn't want to let her know that it affected me the way it did.

She sighed and nodded her head dejectedly.

"Why?"

"You almost died because of me." A silence filled the room for a moment, and she continued "I forced us to go into that battle, and you almost died. It's my fault."

"Sadie. Look at me."

She lifted her head and actually looked at me.

I attempted a small smile and said "Nobody has ever forced me into doing something I didn't want to do."

"Fine. I pressured you. And you almost died."

"I'm still alive. You don't need to blame yourself."

She shook her head. "I almost got you killed."

"Almost is the key word here. I didn't die. You have no reason to blame yourself."

"You aren't hearing me. I watched you as you were dying. I sat there terrified because I realized that you could have died, and it would all be my fault. I would have gotten you killed. I had to face the fact that you wouldn't be alive anymore, and I realized just how important you are to me. And it would all be my fault. Do you have any idea what that's like?" I realized she was almost in tears. She took a shaky breath and curled her legs up, wrapping her arms around them.

I took a breath. "I know exactly what it feels like," I said carefully, "I felt the exact same way after Ryloth."

"That was different. Master Joren actually died."

I nodded painfully as I fought to keep those specific memories at bay and said "You almost died as well. I thought I lost you." I took a breath and said "I realized that you meant just as much to me as Master Joren."

I moved to sit next to her on the meditation mat, and she leaned her head against my shoulder. I put my arm around her.

"Does it get better? The guilt?" she asked.

I thought for a moment before saying "I think so."

We sat there in silence for a while, my arm around her as she leaned against me. A moment I never wanted to end.

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Deal with these things. You're so good at just moving on, moving forwards. How do you do that?"

"I don't. I learned to hide emotions, to put on an unfeeling facade, so I never let myself really actually express anything."

"That's not healthy."

"I know."

We sat in silence before she asked "Am I going to need to learn that?"

"Absolutely not. I would never do that to you."

A few minutes of silence passed us by as I thought of everything I'd been through in recent times. Every experience, every feeling I'd jammed deep down, everything.

"Master Joren would be proud of you."

I gave Sadies shoulder a squeeze and closed my eyes, tears making their way down my face as I tentatively let myself feel what I had buried.

-Kerlah-

I stormed into Bool's command center, taking Bool completely by surprise.

"Something wrong?"

"I'm just great," I said angrily, tossing the recorder to Bool and promptly marching back out.

Stupid. I was so stupid. Why did I meet him? I shouldn't have gone. Darin had warned me that he didn't like Lance.

Darin. That kriffing sleazeball lied to me. Lied to everyone. He pretended to be powerless for years. How long was he waiting to turn on the Order? How long had he been planning this? How long had HE been using me?

I trusted him. He was my friend. I talked to him. Kriff, he was the only person who knew about Lance and I. Only person I had ever told.

For all I know, Darin could have been behind Lance. He could have hired him. He could have orchestrated the whole thing we had, then tore it all apart.

I punched a wall, anger bubbling in me. I was going to break those two.

"Kerlah Min," a soft voice said behind me. I turned and saw Bool looking at me, sadness in his eyes. "Your anger is not necessary."

"Yes it is!"

"It is not worth it. Whatever happened, it is not worth getting this upset over."

I glared at him and said "You have no idea what happened."

His shoulders fell. "Is it the bounty hunter?"

I was speechless. How could he know?

He nodded, my silence all the answer he needed. "I understand how it is. Love is-"

"I don't love him," I interrupted.

"First love never truly leaves."

I sat in silence, clenching and unclenching my fists. I wanted to hit something. Lance. Darin. Both at once. Something.

"This is more than the bounty hunter, isn't it?"

I said nothing. Bool already knew the answer.

"Is it the Scholar we are now hunting?"

Another man I had never told Bool about.

"The Order has made him out to be a traitorous monster."

"Because he is."

Bool clicked disapprovingly. "Always know your prey. The Scholar is not a traitor."

"He's wanted by the Order. There's a rather large reward for his capture."

"Perhaps. But truth is a matter of circumstance. I do not believe all they say about him. And I have a feeling you don't either."

"Lance lied to me. So did Darin. They're both monsters."

"Perhaps. But perhaps not. The Scholar did assist you on quite a few of the projects I had assigned to you."

My cheeks darkened. "I didn't NEED his help, I just-"

"Yes, yes, a second pair of eyes. Which also gave you all the information needed to bring in some extremely high-value targets for the Order."

"So what? They were extremely difficult. I did what I had to do to succeed."

"And perhaps he is doing the same now."

"I still don't trust him."

"Then you can question him all you want when we bring him in."

Bool got up to leave when I said "Master?" He turned, and I said "Lance said he has information that can help us find them."

"Then I shall converse with him. Not you."

"I don't think he'll talk to you."

"He will."