"Do you really plan to hide such a thing from Yukinoshita and Yuigahama?" Hiratsuka-sensei's tone got harsher as she spoke.
She didn't even smoke her cigarette, her fingers had already broken it.
"You're going to tell them?" I asked.
"I'd like to, but I'm not the one supposed to reveal it. You are their friend, not me. I'm here to guide you, not to force you do things because I think they're the right things to do."
"It's not necessary to tell them, because everything's gonna be alright. There is no point in worrying about me."
She sighed loudly, a vein popping on her.
"Sometime I feel like I wanna slap you for saying such things... 'There is no point in worrying about me'. Can you hear yourself, Hikigaya?" She shouted.
I was scolded by her.
It wasn't because of my grades or my way of thinking. It was for how I was treating myself. I can't blame her for reacting like this, especially after she's learned about the truth.
"How much longer?"
"What?"
"How much longer do you think you'll manage to hide it from your friends?"
I closed my eyes a few seconds.
How much longer? I have no idea. As long as necessary, I guess. But she already expects me to say something like that.
"I... I won't have to."
"They will learn about it sooner or later, Hikigaya. This is unavoidable." She stared into my eyes, her gaze serious and strong.
I cleared my throat and answered.
"Trust me. I know better how I am doing than anyone else."
She grabbed another cigarette and lit it.
"Go, your friends are waiting." She said, smoking.
"Okay... See you later."
I walked to the door and opened it.
Before I could leave, Hiratsuka-sensei spoke up one last time.
"You keep drowning yourself in your own lies." She continued, her voice low and filled with a deep disappointment. "You're getting further and further away from the genuine thing you've always wanted. If you go on, the day will come when you will reach a point of no return... And you'll have hurt the people who cared about you so much... That I wonder if their tears will be from sadness, pain or anger."
She shruggred. "Who knows, maybe it'll be all three at the same time. You must realize how much you're cared for by others, Hikigaya."
Her words echoed in my mind and got stuck into it.
I didn't want to believe them. I didn't want to see the truth in them. If I had stayed alone, I wouldn't have to worry about all of this.
Now I have people close to me I can hurt.
I stepped out of the room, closing the door behind me.
In order to prevent those close to you from being hurt, the most effective solution is to remove the source of the pain.
In this case, that source is me. I know that my presence will cause them worry and tears. I'm aware that I will become a painful memory in their minds.
It's my heartfelt desire to erase myself from the situation, to spare everyone the pain I know my actions would cause. Unfortunately, it's not something I can easily do.
I made my way to the exit of the school, their silhouette visible through the windows of the doors. I opened it, and joined them as if nothing had happened.
End of the flashback
"Hikigaya-kun?" Yukinoshita's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
"Yes?"
"I'll walk alone from here."
I recognized the street we were walking on.. The same we took when I walked her home the last time.
"You're sure?"
She nodded.
"Fine... See you later then," I said as I was about to go my own way.
"May I ask one last question?"
"What is it?"
"Thursday, are you coming over?"
I scratched my hair and glanced up at the dark sky.
"Yeah, sure. I'll come."
She smiled softly and waved.
"Alright. See you, Hikigaya-kun." She walked away.
I stood there staring at her figure receding into the distance, until I suddenly realized that it was time for me to head home as well.
I made my choice without taking the time to really think about it though. I guess I must come now since I already confirmed my presence.
I looked forward and sighed.
I wish I could disappear without having to hurt anyone. However, a world where no one is hurt doesn't exist.
This is the harsh reality. This reality I've got to deal with.
The courtyard of the high school was a stark and cold sight, coated in a blanket of white snow that crunched under our feet as we walked. The air was crisp and biting, the chill of winter seeping into our bones.
The grey clouds above us cast a pall over the scene, the gloom only broken by the faint sound of Yuigahama's voice as she tugged our sleeves forward.
"Let's go out together today!"
I and Yukinoshita exchanged gazes for a second.
"Today? But we-"
"Don't worry about Iroha-chan, she said that she was going to visit her grandfather with her parents today. So, we're free."
Yukinoshita didn't seem to be against this, seeing her reaction.
"It will snow all day. You're sure about it?" I asked.
"Yes! I've planned to go to the aquarium with you so we won't have to worry about the cold. What do you think about it?"
The aquarium? It's been a while since I've been there. The last time it was with my adorable little sister and my mother. This doesn't sound like a bad idea, I guess.
"Sounds fine by me. What about you, Yukinoshita?"
"I don't have any plans for today, so... I can go."
"Then let's get going already!"
Yuigahama pulled our sleeves forward as we walked out of the school courtyard.
She quickly led toward the closest monorail station to the school. We settled in. Unfortunately, the monorail was crowded at this time. Yukinoshita was sitting between me and Yuigahama, so we were pressed together.
I could feel her discomfort through the subtle sound of her breathing and her arms and thighs trembling slightly against mines. Yes, they were touching mines.
"I'll stand up if this bothers you..." I said.
"Y-You don't have to-"
The monorail suddenly took a sharp turn, jolting the occupants of the cabin. Yukinoshita's body instinctively shifted, her frame pressing even more tightly against mine.
She tried to steady herself by grasping my sleeve, but the sudden movement was too intense. Her hand landed firmly on my thigh, the weight of her touch noticeable even through the fabric of my trousers.
"S-Sorry!" She quickly removed her hand from me as she averted her gaze. An apparent crimson pink crept onto her cheeks.
I didn't say anything, my attention completely taken over by the rapid and uneven rhythm of my heart. It thumped wildly, like a frantic drumbeat reverberating through my chest.
I gasped the fabric of my jacket, the quiver almost painful as I took a deep breath. I don't get the reaction of my body sometime...
This situation reminded me of... The day everything turned upside down.
The more time passes, the more I fear that something out of my control will happen tomorrow when I'm at Yukinoshita's house.
I accepted to come without thinking further about it. And now I threw myself into huge risks. How can I even talk to her about it?
No. Now I know that it's not about whether I could or not communicate with her, it's about-
"Hikki?" Yuigahama's voice promplty snapped me out of my thoughts.
"Ah, Yeah?"
"We're arrived."
"I-I see."
I stood up and left the monorail with the girls, throwing a few glances at Yukinoshita only to meet hers in return.
"Hikigaya-kun."
"Y-Yes?"
"You looked thoughtful earlier. Are you alright?"
"I'm perfectly fine. Let's focus on what's in front of us." I said, looking up at the entrance of the aquarium, which was already meters away from us.
"Yukinon, Hikki! Hurry up!" Yuigahama said, as she was already going inside.
I quickly caught up with her. Yukinoshita watched me going, her gaze not totally convinced, but she decided to not push it any further.
Once at the reception, we bought our tickets and took the escalator that led us underground. We reached the bottom of the escalator and stepped off. The aquarium stretched out before us in all its aquatic glory. Brightly colored fish and corals filled the tanks, gliding gracefully through the water in all shapes and sizes.
The cool air of the building enveloped us as we descended, our footsteps echoing on the tiled floor. The sound of excited chatter and the faint smell of sea salt filled the air, as the first creatures welcoming us were the sharks.
"Woa, sharks!" Yuigahama excitedly ran towards the sharks' space, with me and Yukinoshita following behind at a slower pace.
"Yuigahama's quite excited today."
"It appears so. I wonder what would make her in this state."
Yuigahama turned to us.
"It's been a while since the three of us spent time together outside of school. So... I really wanna have fun today."
Her voice held a level of sincerity and warmth that drew me in like a moth to a flame.
She looked like a child who's been missing something for a long time and was about to retrieve it just now. Her face radiated with a brightness that was even greater than the sunlight that was struggling to break through the overcast sky.
Though we're in the aquarium, there is no sky here.
I should give in and have as much fun as possible today. After what happened earlier, I just want to forget about those things for a while.
I stepped forward and approached the sharks' basin.
"Sharks... I must take photos!"
Yuigahama stepped next to Yukinoshita.
"Hikki seems to be enjoying himself. You can express a little bit of joy too, you know."
The black-haired girl came to me.
"I'll take photos of you and the sharks if you want."
"For real? Komachi's gonna be so jealous." I said, giving her my phone.
I took a couple of poses as she took some photos of me.
We continued our visit and observed different kinds of fishes around. We arrived at another floor and there were fish in a touch tank. The sign on the wall of the tank indicated that we could touch them.
As expected, Yuigahama was the first to throw herself toward the basins.
She raised her sleeve and carefully put her hand into the water.
"Kya! I just touched something slimy!" Yuigahama yelled.
"What was it? Hikigaya-kun, may you please remove your hand from the basin," Yukinoshita said, putting her own hand into the water as well. She seemed to be looking for something else in it.
Hey, I'm not a ray. I don't secrete mucus through my skin, okay?
And why am I being accused when I haven't even touched the water?
My attention shifted from Yuigahama to what Yukinoshita was touching.
"Cat... Catshark... Cat..."
Don't tell me she-
"Nyaa~ Or maybe shaa~" she mimicked cutely.
Why would it sound like 'shaa'? A catshark does anything but 'shaa'. This one caught her attention because of the cat in its name. I guess, we'll be losing her for a while.
"Hikki..."
I felt my sleeve being pulled on my left.
"They said this ray is the oldest one in here." She pointed at a bigger ray than others. "It isn't moving well."
"Well, I guess it doesn't have much time left."
Many other rays approached the old one.
"Are they its family?" Yuigahama asked.
"I don't know. But they're most likely family or somewhat friends."
She smiled, her eyes never leaving the group of rays swimming over.
"They rely on each other to survive. In this aquarium, I can be sure it won't die alone!"
"It'll still die."
Yuigahama suddenly looked at me with a pouty expression.
"What?"
Noises were heard from the other side of the area. From the sound, it felt like a penguin. Yuigahama turned her upper body toward the source of the sound.
"Penguins! Hikki, Yukinon, let's see them."
Yuigahama's voice snapped Yukinoshita out of her focus on the catsharks of the basin.
We went to the penguins territory. Our gazes were immediately drawn to the sight before us. The basin was a large space, filled with sleek rocks and clear, deep water. It seemed like a little slice of the Antarctic, with groups of penguins swimming gracefully through the water or resting on the rocks.
"They're so cute! I wish I could kidnap one!" Yuigahama said, pulling out her phone to take photos.
Wait, did she just say she'd kidnap one? Though that's true, they're cool. I should take photos too.
As I filmed the penguins, a duo caught my attention. One of the two was caressing the other's shoulder with its beak in a rapid motion.
"They stay together until one of them dies..."
Yukinoshita mumbled. I noticed that she was reading the information written on the boards in front of the basin.
She had raised her head, our eyes now meeting for a second before her gaze shifted toward the couple of penguins I had been looking at earlier.
"Those are..."
"It seems so."
Inside this pool, it might be easier for them to stay together until the end. They wouldn't have to worry about the outside dangers that might threaten them.
The world would be better if some humans took note of their nature.
One person who will share your life, who you will spend your days arguing and reconciling with, with whom you will build a family and grow old together.
Her eyes met mine once more.
If I had the possibility to take this route, with whom would it be? Someone able to tolerate me and understand me on a deep level. Someone who would show me genuineness.
How unfortunate it is not to be able to see such a future with this one person.
That's what I say to myself, but I can't get rid of this picture. This picture made by my own rotten mind. This mind arrogant enough to think about this one person.
I act as if I don't see it. But I always end up thinking back about this future. That future I'm secretly wishing to come true. Wouldn't I be having too high hopes by doing this?
Certainly.
Though...
If I could...
No, I can't. That's how it is. I cannot give my life to this one who has made my heart beat so dangerously fast.
"What are you looking at, Hikigaya-kun?"
"Ahem... Sorry if I looked like I was staring."
"...It's okay. Yuigahama-san is already gone. Shall we join her?"
I turned to the other side, Yuigahama had effectively disappeared.
"Yeah, let's go." I put my phone in my pocket as I walked out of the area with Yukinoshita.
We quickly reached the exit of the aquarium, where Yuigahama was waiting for us.
"That was so fun. Let's go for another ride!"
"I don't feel up to it..."
"I'm a bit tired too."
Yuigahama's face showed a small disappointment. Ah, not my fault if you're the only one among us with endless energy.
She turned around, her face lightening back.
"Let's do this then." She pointed at a ferris wheel.
Shouldn't be too hard to handle.
We made our way to the attraction, walking through the various stands and concession areas that populated the attraction.
The ferris wheel area was rather uncrowded, so we were able to secure a spot quite easily. There were only a handful of other passengers, allowing us to settle into our own gondola without any delay or hassle.
We settled in, Yukinoshita and Yuigahama were sitting together as my seat was in front of their.
With a gradual motion, the ferris wheel began to rotate, lifting us higher and higher into the darkening sky.
"It snowed quite a lot today." I spoke up, looking at the window.
"Yes, seeing so much snow today reminded me of something..." Yukinoshita looked to the side as she spoke.
"What is it?"
"It was snowing the day I was born. That is why I was named 'Yukino', which means snow." She revealed.
"Really? That's cool. I think 'Yukino' is a very beautiful name." Yuigahama said, her expression bright. "Isn't that right, Hikki?" She glanced at me.
"Yeah... I think so too. 'Yukino' is a sweet name."
"T-Thank you..." Yukinoshita said, her cheeks redening as she looked down at her lap.
Seeing her like this made me flustered as well. Why did I have to use the word 'sweet' seriously?
She looked at me and I quickly averted my gaze, pretending to look outside. I just noticed we were at the highest point of the ferris wheel.
"It's getting late." Yukinoshita stated.
Yuigahama looked at her watch and sighed.
"Crap... I forgot to tell my mom that I was going to come back later than usual."
"Write her now, so it's done." I suggered.
"Yes, you're right."
Yuigahama quickly picked her phone and tapped on it.
"Will it be fine with your parents, Hikigaya-kun?"
"Yeah, don't worry about me. They're not often at home anyway."
"I see..."
Our ride on the ferris wheel had come to an end, the gondola slowly returning to the ground. We stepped out onto the platform and agreed to make our way over to the nearby monorail station.
"It was so fun!" Yuigahama said, raising her arms and stretching.
"I enjoyed it too." Yukinoshita smiled softly, closing her eyes.
What about me? I sure did enjoy the excursion. This made forget about all the stuff happening to me currently. At least for a little while. I feel slightly better than before we went here.
I can say it was fun.
We soon arrived to the station and settled in a monorail. It was not as crowded as the last time. So no need to cling to each other this time.
Yuigahama was the first to get off.
"I'm leaving here. We should hang out like this again soon! Bye bye, Hikki, Yukinon! " She waved at us as the doors of the monorail closed.
It was only me and Yukinoshita now. The silence hung, only the sound of the monorail and the chatter of the people around us filled the air.
All I am thinking about right now is taking a big nap once I get home.
"You don't forget about tomorrow." Yukinoshita finally cut the silence.
"What about tomorrow?"
She frowned.
"Just kidding."
"Can I ask you something?"
I looked at her who was standing by me in the cabin.
"What is it?"
"It's about earlier. You know, when I..." She looked down but her gaze seemed to be aimed at my leg.
Ah, I see what she's referring to. I'm not sure I wanna talk about it.
"I already forgave you if that's what you were about to ask."
"No, I'm not talking about this."
"Then what?" I calmly asked.
"Your reaction. Without trying to sound offending, you reacted very strangely to my t-touch.."
I knew that was what she was gonna bring up.
I don't want to give her an explanation about it. Not yet. That'd mean revealing too many things.
Think, Hachiman. What would be the best excuse to say here? What would convince someone like Yukinoshita?
I really hated how I was reasoning. Once more, I'm thinking about lying to her. Even worse, I'm choosing among a list of lies... Picking which one is the most credible.
Since when did I start to think this way? Since when was it okay for me to lie to Yukinoshita so much?
No, that's what I need to do to not reveal-
Shut up, I'm just trying to run away again, because I'm too damn scared to talk about such a topic with her.
How much does Yukinoshita care for me? As much as Yuigahama does for me, or as much as I do for her? Hiratsuka-sensei said that I wasn't realizing how much others cared about me.
I'm only a friend of Yukinoshita and Yuigahama. That was what I always told myself. Do I feel the same way? It might depend on who you're talking about.
Now, what should I say? I am taking too much time to think.
"If that's too embarrassing to talk about..." Yukinoshita's words were slow and soft, her lips gently moving as she spoke.
"Don't... Don't worry about it."
As I expected her expression to show annoyance or frustration, something else appeared on her face. It was saddeness.
"No matter how many times you'd already told me not to worry, it only served to increase my concern for you."
"..."
"What was going on with you earlier? Is that related to the stuff you're hiding from everyone?"
I couldn't give an answer again.
"You don't reply? Is your mind too busy thinking about the best lie or sentence to dodge my question, Hikigaya-kun? Is that the genuine thing you asked for?"
Her words shot straight through my heart, as if it were a sharp arrow piercing my chest. I felt it clearly, the way my heart stuttered for a split second. It seemed as though my heart was scolding me for all the lies that I had let myself be consumed by.
Of course, Yukinoshita is not stupid.
I am.
And I'm far from being proud of being aware of it. I feel like I'm a monster of consciousness that is gradually turning into a monster of lies.
She was avoiding my gaze but this time it wasn't because she was flustered. She was mad, and tired. She didn't even have the energy to freeze me with her cold eyes, or maybe she simply didn't want to.
Out of the blue, a soft sensation emerged.
"Please... There must be something... something you'd be able to tell me..." She said in a low tone, as her hand gripped my sleeve, slightly pulling it. "Do you have any idea of how it pains me to be given only your silence..?"
"I'm sorry, Yukinoshita."
"I can't just accept that, you know?"
I tried to pull my wrist away, but her grip tightened.
"Answer me, Hikigaya-kun. I'm worried. What happened to you?"
Why did it have to take this turn? We were all enjoying the outting at the aquarium. We had so much fun together for once. And events had to go this way.
Now, I find myself ruining everything. Because I'm not able to talk about sensitive issues that affect me, because I can't show how vulnerable I truly am.
My heart restarted to hurt. The pain was caused by no one else than myself. After all, I'm the best at hurting myself to keep people away from the pain.
No... Not anymore. I'm no longer alone. There are few people who care about me. Now, I hurt them in the process.
I held back my hand from grabbing the fabric of my jacket but it wasn't easy at all. I'm even wondering if my expression is already betraying me right now.
I saw that the monorail was reaching the closest stop to my home. Finally, the exit door I desired.
"I'll get off here."
"Hikigaya-kun, you can't just-"
"I'm fucking tired, okay? Why did you have to bring that up... It isn't eventhatimportant anyway. Don't you wanna just... mind your own business and leave me alone for once?"
The door began to open.
"But I-"
"I'm leaving, let go of me please."
With those words, the grip of her fingers losened. I stepped out of the monorail, hesitating if I should look at her one last time.
My body seemed to be acting without me being able to do anything about it. I saw her, her back was to me. I couldn't see her face anymore. The discussion was over.
I was probably the one who closed it.
"See you tomorrow..." I still managed to say those words while the door were closing, not knowing if they reached her or not.
I walked away from the monorail station, my steps quick and hurried. I took several deep breath, trying to steady it.
I was thinking about taking a big nap earlier, now I know that I won't have it before a while. I deserve the pain my heart is causing me. I deserve more than it. The way I was harsh to Yukinoshita, I myself don't know how much I tried to be harsh, sound intimidating or whatever.
I think I might have let myself a little bit guided by my emotions and the unbearable feeling pounding within my chest.
...
Pov : Yukino Yukinoshita
...
He took the first step forward, now getting himself out of the cabin of the monorail. I didnt find the strength to look at him anymore. So I just turned around.
If I had stood still, he would have seen my eyes water.
"See you tomorrow..." I heard.
I don't know if it's my mind that's imagining things or if he really managed to say those words. But when I tried to look at him once more, the doors were already closed.
Why did it have to end like that? Why did I have to ruin everything?
I've been so stupid... We had agreed to not push the matter any further, but my feelings had the best of me.
I had never seen Hikigaya-kun like that before. I must have been the one who pissed him off the most. The way his fists clenched and his eyes showed pain and anger. And the harshness in his tone...
No one had ever talked to me this way in my life exept my family.
I failed so badly... if only I had kept my mouth shut. If only I hadn't been worrying for a single reaction.
The more I thought about it, the more I felt my heart arch.
Soon after, the monorail arrived at my stop so I left.
I stumbled along the dimly lit streets, the soft sobs that escaped my lips echoed through the cold night air. I tried desperately to maintain my balance, to walk with purpose, but the weight of my tears made it nearly impossible. They distorted my vision, turning everything into a watery blur and making my steps falter.
I know I am alone, so what's holding me back now? Yes, nothing.
I let my tears drop, the warm liquid flowing along my cheeks. I continued to walk, unable to correctly focus on what's in front of me.
With each step, I felt a heaviness in my chest, as though I was lugging a ton of bricks alongside my shattered heart.
Please, forgive me, Hikigaya-kun... I'm so sorry...
I tried to disregard our agreement, and it was a mistake.
He might not want to come over tomorrow anymore.
I bit my lip at the possibility..
This will be because of me. I couldn't bury my concern for him, and I know I will never be able to.
Why?
Because my heart doesn't want to let it go. Because my feelings are too strong to ignore the multiple signs. He's not doing well, I know it.
I grabbed my phone and wrote to Komachi-san. I've got her contact a while ago.
"Please tell him that I'm sorry."
Yes, I was that desperate.
I found myself standing in front of my apartment building sooner than I had thought. So I entered the lobby and made my way over to the elevator. I pressed the button to summon it. After a few moments, the doors of the elevator slid open, revealing the small space inside
It took a few seconds to reach my floor.
I opened the door of my home, wanting nothing more than to drink tea and lie down on my bed.
But what welcomed me, indicated that I wasn't about to get what I wanted anytime soon.
"Yahallo, Yukino-chan."