Slowly she opened her eyes, and took a sharp breath as she felt the pain of the wound. Her head felt as though it was filled with cotton wool, and her mouth felt bone dry. And while she was in the infirmary where she had spent most of her time when she was not with their children, she found herself quite disorientated.
"Just rest, and tell me what you need, I will fetch it for you."
She could recognise Thorins voice anywhere.
"I..." She rubbed her head thinking carefully for a moment before looking at him. "Where are the children? Are they okay?"
"Aye, my lady," he replied. "Dis, Dwalin, Kili and Tauriel are with them and Lola."
"Oh thank goodness." She sighed with releif sinking back onto her pillow.
"You however took too great a risk, woman," he finally ground out angrily. His guilt was now transformed anew into anger at her risky behaviour. "I simply do not understand why you cannot LISTEN to me?!"
She slowly sat up holding onto her wound, wincing.
"Does it hurt?" He asked quietly.
"Mmhmm."
"Good." He grunted helping her. "I want you to remember this. So that you will think twice next time."
She fell silent as she thought about her discussion with Manwe, and in particular at the prospect of never seeing Ulmo again.
"You should have something to drink." He spoke softer this time pouring her a glass of water and placing the goblet in her hands. "Will you at least listen to me on this?"
She blinked only just registering the goblet and slowly raising it to her lips. After taking a few sips, she looked at her husband who sat there as she expected, brooding and angry.
What she had entirely not expected was to see him somewhat dishevelled. His hair, was a little messy, his clothes rumpled and creased and he looked tired, with bags under his eyes as if he hadn't slept well for some time.
"Try to drink it all before you hand it back, I will help you to the bathroom if you need it." He urged again gently.
Slowly, she complied. Between her pounding headache and the pain from her fresh wound it was not an easy task. Then as she handed the goblet back, she noticed his hands were bandaged over his knuckles.
"What happened to your hands Thorin?"
He paused for a second making more of a show to organise her side table with the jug of water and the goblet.
"Just a training accident." He grunted.
She watched him again, as he carried on folding away a few blankets he had clearly been using.
"Have you been here all night?" She asked quietly.
Again he paused, as if the question had caught him off guard, before nodding silently. He still made no attempt to look at her.
"Your skin has been marked again by the Great Ones." He spoke plainly. There was no question in it, but he hoped she would voluntarily share why. He hoped that if she shared the truth it was a sign that they might find a way to repair the rift between them, that burned away like hot embers sitting beneath the ashes, always threatening to rage into a fire if just enough kindling was thrown upon it.
"Ugh..." She winced as she attempted to take a look. Then she realised that she had been dressed in one of his tunics. It was one of his best warm tunics, in the softest material. She had expected to be in a hospital robe, but perhaps this was a sign that he had begun to forgive her for keeping such a secret. "Yes well, apparently Manwe has saved me from death this time...?"
She pulled at her tunic a bit more, wincing as she attempted to see the markings.
"If you truly wish to see, I will need to undress you." Thorin grunted.
"Oh, um...," She wasn't sure what to say. "It's okay I can wait until I have a wash.. "
"I will likely need to help you with that also for a little while," Thorin answered slowly.
"Lets see how we get on then," She too replied quietly. "Maybe I start by giving it a go and you can help if I need it..."
He had grunted something, she thought was somewhere between irritation and stubborn disagreement, but had ignored it all the same.
And so after a thorough check up by Oin, during which she managed to convince him that she would better recover in their own apartment rather than the infirmary, and a long walk back with Thorin fussing at every turn, in the dead of night, she finally returned.
Much to Thorins ire, she couldn't resist peeking through the door to their childrens room, where she found everyone fast asleep including, Tauriel and Lola who had taken the couches, while Dwalin and Kili snored gently as they lay asleep on the floor guarding the twins and their little girl's cot respectively.
Finally she had been desperate to have a wash, but had found herself beyond exhausted for having done even this much. And so accepting her own limitations, along with much angry mutterings, and swearing in Khuzdul from Thorin, found herself tucked into bed.
She watched bleary eyed as he kicked off his boots and began to pick up some blankets.
"Thorin, you don't need to sleep on the couch..." She whispered, surprising him apparently.
He turned around slowly to look at her sitting in their giant bed looking so small and vulnerable. What he wouldn't have given to have her that very moment, had she not been injured so. But it was not only the injury, she had been clear the last time about needing distance until he himself had come to forgive her.
"I think there's enough space on this giant bed of yours to...well, quite frankly have several people in it," she quickly pulled her lips tight, internally chastising herself for putting her foot in her mouth with that comment and blushed. "I didn't mean that - Well… You know what I mean.."
He nodded, with a polite smile as he approached their bed slowly. The truth was that he would be in utter heaven if he could have her even just once! Of course he would never take advantage of her when she was in pain.
"Here..." She reached across from her and patted the pillow, wincing again.
Slowly he moved closer, unable to take his eyes off her as he reached the bed. Even her face was bruised in places, it had clearly been a significant fight.
"You are sure, my lady?" he repeated.
"Yes, Thorin. You were sleeping on a chair from the infirmary. I think you need this too," she sighed ruefully. It was hardly like they were going to have sex, given every possible part of her ached.
He took his long jacket and waistcoat off leaving him in only his tunic, and then he turned and unlaced his trousers, slipping them off as subtly as possible, with only his short underpants remaining.
She couldn't help watch him, it was a something of a habit over the years. It was comforting, after a long day of work and later on a rest from the children.
Often he would strip completely, on those nights, even if she was tired, just watching him would awaken something within her. So tonight she was glad that he remained a little more modest. But even she couldn't lie to herself, as much as she loved him and was so attracted to him, something had changed.
His muscular frame was clearly visible through his clothes as he carefully clambered into bed and moving the blankets over her, then came to rest on the pillow opposite, looking into her face.
They had shared a bed in recent times, as they had slowly begun to spend more time together, but this attack had made him realise how much he needed her. And perhaps what a stubborn fool he had been to treat her so harshly, when in truth she was wholly not to blame.
"What are you thinking of, my lady?" He reached over carefully and gently brushed a lock of hair from her face, worried that she might have come to regret her request to allow him so close.
Her lips pulled into the faintest smile as she shook her head slowly. It was filled with sadness and made him ache to hold her, but something still held him back.
She sighed softly.
"How did we get here Thorin?" She sighed again.
"We will find our way back," he reassured her, softly stroking her face.
She searched his face carefully, seeing the stubborn determination clearly evident. It was reassuring, but it was hard to ignore her own feelings now.
Something in her had changed. She had come all this way, tried to create a family and a life in a land so different to home, in spite of all the challenges.
But try as she might, it didn't matter, it didn't feel like home.
And she missed home so much.
Before she had somehow believed Gandalf when he said there was no way back. But now she was not so sure about that either.
Perhaps it was because she realised a little too late that she loved and missed Ulmo too?
"What if we can't.." she found her fatigue getting the better of her. Her mind had been racing at the speed of light, her body ached all over, and her heart felt lost. Slowly her eyes were feeling heavy.
Perhaps sleep was the only relief she could have, and yet knowing that she would never see Ulmo again in her dreams made her feel hopeless. As though that final place of comfort was gone. Forever.
"My lady, I give you my word," Thorin spoke soothingly. "I will find a way..."
She smiled, eyes half closed, as she reached out a aching arm gingerly, and very lightly ghosted her hand over his beard. Once upon a time, it felt like home to feel his face, and his soft beard, but now she no longer felt as though she had permission to touch him.
"Do you promise..?"
He carefully placed his hand over hers and pressed it to his face, before bringing it to his lips and kissing her palm as though it were something holy.
"I swear upon my life...my pathetic existence that which you saved..." He whispered. "I will find a way."
Maybe the stubbornness of dwarves was not always a bad thing.
Unable to keep her eyes open a second longer, she drifted off to sleep.
Tonight she could only hope that her sleep was dreamless, for without Ulmo, his idyllic shores were as empty as the hole that he had left in her heart.
…
Authors Note:
Thank you for reading this far. so sorry its a little late - and shorter than my usual.
its a little sad this time - she is realising she had grown feelings for Ulmo, and now Thorin is starting to get over things, so its all happening now! I guess how will it even work between them all, she is linked to them both because of their children…. i will try to post the next chapt sooner, even if a little shorter
tgo62 - Thank you so much for your post - i totally agree, i think they had both got into a slump. She wasnt sharing how homesick she was, or anything that really mattered, and he was too busy running a kingdom. so they kind of started focussing on their work, their children and sex was an easy way to connect. but clearly its not enough. so they now have to figure it all out. And i am not sure personally whether she is IN LOVE with Ulmo or just confusing her love for him because he was there for her when Thorin was being cold (although he is the reason she is in trouble!)…? 😬
Xaiael - thank you so much…he is def on the hunt for the culprit, the henchmen arent talking yet, but he wont stop until he figured it all out!