Connie woke with a start. Panic seized her when she saw that Jason was gone, an empty space beside her on the bed.
She threw on a robe and stepped out into the hall to peek into the breakfast room. He wasn't there, but Tasha and Gray were.
"Are you looking for Jason?" said Tasha.
"Have you seen him?" She tried to keep the panic from her voice, without succeeding.
"He left about an hour ago. Don't worry; he just went to the police station."
"The police station?" That didn't settle her pounding heart.
"He's investigating Luna's disappearance. Come and have some breakfast. We're a little late this morning as we got in after one last night."
Connie pricked a few sausages and dropped them onto her plate, then scooped up some eggs and biscuits. She avoided the strawberries; they made her sad that Jason wasn't there to share them with her. After hesitating for a moment, she sat down beside Tasha. She didn't want to unsettle Gray. Though he did look better today—not so pale, although he still had dark circles under his eyes.
"How are you doing?" she ventured, looking at Gray.
He hesitated, then his ice-blue eyes pierced hers. "I'm not going to let anything stop me from being an agent again. Not this." He grasped his arm, right above the bandage. "Not…what they did to me. I have to—stop letting them keep me from being who I am. I will never be anything other than an agent—and if I don't have that, I am nothing. The best revenge is to forget the…ones who…tortured me, to not let this affect me. Easier said than done. But…I am grateful for how you and Tasha and Jason have supported me. I could not do this on my own. And…" A puzzled expression crossed his face. "Each of you should by all rights hate me. I can't begin to understand it… but thank you. I would not blame you if you decided to abandon me at any point, let me fend for myself."
A pang twisted in Connie's heart. "I won't abandon you. I'll do anything I can to help…I'm not sure how much I can do. You're right—I did hate you. I thought that you needed to...be tortured like you tortured Jason."
Gray flinched at the word. She vowed to be more careful in what she said.
"But then I thought, I didn't want you to keep hurting me. I wanted to move on. Forget you. I did…until you came on this mission with us. You've changed. You're not the same person you were."
He nodded solemnly, a little sadly.
"I felt horrible for what happened to you. No one should ever have to go through that, not even—the one who…hurt Jason." Anger rose up in her; she stifled it. "And you were still sort of the same person, even though you had changed—and I was angry." She hesitated, then said, "I still am struggling with that. Maybe I always will. But like you said, I don't want the past to drag me down. I don't want you to be hurt anymore, either. Part of me doesn't think that it's my right to forgive, because all you did was kidnap me—I broke my own leg jumping out of the window." She gave a short laugh. "It was Jason that you hurt. But what hurts him hurts me—so… it really is my responsibility to forgive. I…want you to know I forgive you, Gray." As much as I can, she thought. God will have to do the rest.
Shock sparked through Gray's eyes. Then he nodded slowly. "I am…not sure what to do with your forgiveness, and I don't deserve it. But thank you."
"If you ever need my help for anything—just ask."
Gray nodded, swallowed. He picked up his fork and swirled the scrambled eggs around on his plate with the screech of metal on ceramic. Then he looked up at her again. "What do you know…about what happened to me?"
Tasha nudged his shoulder with hers. "No need to bring that up. You're trying to get past it, remember?"
"I have a feeling she knows more than she's saying." He looked at Connie. "Do you?"
"I don't know what you mean."
Gray sighed and let go of the fork. It clattered onto the plate. "I just want to know how many people know. I want to…keep it contained, if at all possible."
"I understand that," said Tasha. "I doubt she knows much."
Gray looked at Connie expectantly.
"I—she's right. I don't know much." Her stomach turned over. She didn't want to tell Gray what she knew. It made her sick to even think about it. But she supposed she should tell him—because he should know the truth. Forgiving him didn't mean lying to him. "I know that you were…" She couldn't bring herself to say the word. "Me and Jason—I mean, Jason and I—know that you were…raped." The word was so soft she didn't know if he had heard, but she wasn't going to say it again.
He closed his eyes, his jaw clenched. He sat back, then looked at her again, such pain in his eyes she could hardly bear it. "I see." His voice trembled slightly; he glanced at Tasha. "You told them." There was the hint of accusation in his tone.
Tasha folded her arms. "They know only because I wanted to show the extent of the Agency's manipulation. That they would blackmail you in order for you to keep working for them. That's essentially what it comes down to." She looked apologetic, her face flushed slightly. "I…did think of stepping down. Perhaps I will, when it comes time to call the Agency to account. But I had to stay in order to be your handler."
He looked at Connie. "I trust you will be discreet."
"Absolutely! I would never tell anyone…I mean, I had a hard time just telling you right now. It's…not something I like to dwell on."
"I wish I could cast off thoughts of it so easily."
It hit her, then, the depth of what he had to deal with every second of the day. She glimpsed a glimmer of why he would feel the need to cut himself, just to escape the incessant inner agony….
Tears welled up in her eyes. "I am so, so sorry, Gray." A tear slipped down her cheek. "You—did not deserve that. No one does. I mean—"
"I know what you mean." He gave her a small, sad smile.
After breakfast, Gray and Tasha left on their assignment, which had something to do with interviewing suspects. Connie lingered in the breakfast room, looking at her phone, wishing she could call Jason. He was probably in the middle of something, and she shouldn't interrupt him. She might call later or just wait for him to call her. Though she couldn't push down the thread of uneasiness that the nightmare had dragged to the surface.
He's all right, she told herself. He said he wouldn't go into danger. Not this time.
At lunch, she sat at the grand dining room table with Darya and Roderick. James had gone with Jason. "I'm still not sure about this," said Darya, and took a sip of her water. "Even if there is no danger, the paparazzi might find out where he is."
"Jason is taking precautions," said Roderick. "The police are professional. They won't let anyone in that's not supposed to be there. I had reservations about it too, but there isn't a much safer place he can be than a police station. It's good for him to be out doing something instead of just sitting around in the palace, thinking about Luna."
"I suppose you're right." She shook her head. "I can't think of a good end to this. The best case I can imagine is that she's been kidnapped for ransom. Then they would not harm her. But we have not heard any demands."
"I would give them anything they asked if it helped get her back," said the king. He swept his hand around to indicate the room. "None of this matters compared to Luna's life."
"We would not be able to give in to their demands, you know. Especially if it's Yavesh. They want us weak, or gone. They want the country in chaos. We have to stay strong."
"Then she would be harmed."
"We could send in a team to get her."
"But Yavesh is professional. They would not reveal their location. They would not make mistakes. If I have to make a concession to save her, I will."
"You are not just her adopted uncle. You are the king. As hard as it is, you have to make the choice that will save more lives in the long run. Even if it means…letting her go."
"Darya. I would find another way. Perhaps I should abdicate, become a private citizen. Then I would not have to choose between Luna and my country."
"You would invite chaos."
"Not if there could be a peaceful transition. I could appoint an interim successor. Then would come elections. I was already planning this; it would just be sooner than we anticipated. Excuse me." He stood, leaving his plate mostly full, and strode out the door.
Darya set down her fork with a clank. "He can be so stubborn…." She said, almost to herself. Then she looked at Connie. "It's not like I don't love her. I love her like the daughter I never had. But as rulers, we don't have the luxury of thinking like private citizens. We are part of something greater….we have to think of the bigger picture. But Roderick has always had a weakness when it comes to his adopted family. He just cannot force himself to be objective where they're concerned."
Connie did think she was being a little cold about this. But she could see her reasoning. More than Roderick, she seemed like she was able to make the hard, logical decisions without sentiment getting in the way. Something Connie would never be able to totally understand…..
"From what Jason tells me," said Connie, "They did save his life."
"Yes. I suppose one doesn't get past a debt like that. And he grew up with them. I am not as close to them as he is. So I suppose I cannot be too harsh with him. But I cannot allow Yavesh to win and plunge this country into chaos. If Rod abdicates, that may happen."
"It might not," said Connie, feeling out of her depths, but wanting to defend the king. "Maybe if he does what he said…have the…" She couldn't remember the term. "Another leader," she finished lamely.
"Interim successor," corrected Darya. "Perhaps. I must defer to him ultimately when it comes to rule. But I can influence what he does….and if he becomes especially foolhardy, I might have to step in."
"What if James had been kidnapped? Would you do the same?"
Her eyes sparked. Then she said, "I don't know. I would hope so…but he is my only son. I would give my life for him." She lifted her wine glass to her lips, took a sip. "I almost lost him, you know."
Connie's heart jolted. "What?" she said, her voice unable to get much louder than a whisper. "What do you mean?"
"I almost lost him before he was born. There was bleeding…they thought there might be a miscarriage. I prepared for the worst. Then it subsided….everything seemed fine. Til his birth. He—almost didn't survive. Labor came on suddenly, too soon, and everything went wrong. They had to do an emergency C-section. At first he was not breathing—" She closed her eyes. "But the doctor saved him. He was a little small at first, but he quickly became as healthy as any other baby." She sighed. "It…turned out there was something wrong, internally. The reason for the bleeding, the difficult birth. I could have tried again…but it would have endangered the next baby. And so….that's why James is our only child, and why I—never really want to let him out of my sight." She gave a slight smile. "Sometimes I think he takes a bit too much of my love…." Her voice trailed off. She looked out the window, the sunlit hills reflected in her eyes.
Connie's heart beat hard in her chest. "I'm sorry." She knew what it was like. She should say more. But it was like her voice had been stolen from her. It was too close to what had happened…and yet Darya had had her baby. Jealousy pricked Connie's heart and she immediately felt guilty. How could she begrudge Darya this beautiful son after all of her troubles before his birth?
"It just makes me appreciate what I have even more, that's all. I have this irrational dread that what I love could be snatched away from me….."
"I know what that's like. With Jason."
Darya nodded. "I know he was taken from you."
"It was—horrible. But it's not just that. I know how you feel….because it happened to me."
Darya raised her eyebrow. "What did?"
"The um….." She hesitated, her throat tight. She didn't know if she could talk about this, not without crying. She didn't want to start sobbing uncontrollably in front of this beautiful, composed woman. But at the same time, they were not just queen and foreigner; they were both women who had gone through similar traumas. Connie forged forward. "A couple months ago….I had a…miscarriage."
Darya's expression changed to one of shock. Then sympathy. "Oh, Connie. I am so sorry."
"I mean, it's not like I lost a baby that I knew. He was…gone….and he did not feel pain. But I loved him so, so much." Tears spilled from her eyes; she could not hold them back, not when talking about this. "Sometimes I feel like it doesn't count, like I didn't lose a real baby. I don't tell people, because they wouldn't understand how much he means to me, even before he was born."
"Of course it counts. He was your child. You lost him…."
"I didn't even get to hold him!"
Darya stood, strode over to her with a sweep of her gown. Its blue fabric gleamed in the corner of Connie's blurred vision. And then Darya's hand was on her back, and her arm wrapped around her shoulder, and she sat down next to her, and held her close, stroking her hair.
Connie's heart ached, and she tried to hold back, but the tears streamed down her cheeks in hot rivers and she leaned against Darya's shoulder, hoping she wasn't ruining her dress.
My Jeremiah….she thought. I love you, so much….
The tears subsided, drying on her cheeks. She sat back, wiping away the tears. "I'm sorry."
"That's okay. Sometimes it's good to cry."
Connie did feel a little better, although her heart ached desperately, as empty as the moment she had learned he was gone.
Darya squeezed her hand. "I don't know what I would have done if I'd have lost James. Even as it was….After he was born, I just let myself love him, let that heal me, but later on….it was like I thought I would lose him, so I drew away from him. I couldn't bear the thought of losing someone I loved so much, so I…uprooted some of the love from my heart. Or…dulled it. The doctors say it was depression. I try to 'rationalize' it, but really, it just happened, and I wasn't there for my child. Rod had to take over, raising him, and James would come to me crying, wanting me, and I…just wasn't there for him." Pain crossed her face. "Now, I can hardly believe I would do something so cruel. But it was…something wrong. A little like PTSD. Maybe it was a mild form of it, though I don't feel like I have the right to take that label. With medication, I was able to….drag myself out of it, and James helped. Such a sweet, angelic little boy he was. And Rod helped….I was not good to him. Didn't appreciate his help. So…I guess I'm saying that you have every right to feel like you do. With what happened to me—and I…don't have as much of a right."
"It must've been hard, to almost lose him though." Connie's voice was thick with tears. She cleared her throat. "I…wasn't the best to Jason, either, and he was only trying to help. I have no excuse….I pushed him away….I hurt him. With my words, my actions….keeping myself from him…." She looked away, glimpsing the sun-gilded hills.
Darya lowered her eyes, then looked at Connie. "I never told anyone else this…but we went through a rough patch too. I pushed him away. Partly because we couldn't have any more children and so….well, it was years before we…got back together." A blush suffused her pale cheeks. Connie could guess what she was hinting at. "I can't justify that. He was nothing but solicitous, understanding, and he kept away from me because I wanted it, and we became nothing more than an official relationship, while behind the scenes we did not touch, barely spoke….Long story short, we reconciled when James was about five. Still, I was terrified that birth control would not work, and I might hurt another baby…. But gradually, it became easier, and though we've had our ups and downs since, it's never gone back to such inexcusable coldness between us. If…if I may ask you an extremely personal question…"
"Well, this is a personal conversation."
Darya half-smiled. "Yes. Well…. Do you know if you can have children again?"
"The doctors said nothing is wrong. But…. I don't know if I can take that risk."
Sorrow flashed across Darya's eyes. "If they say nothing is wrong, then you should believe them. Let yourself have the joy of a child, let it wash away the pain."
"I don't know if I can."
"I understand. It'll take time. But if you're okay with it… and you want children—it's the most wonderful experience one can have. I don't want you to miss it. It's not replacing the one you lost…but it would help."
Connie nodded. "I'm open to it…eventually."
"And you and Jason—are you…back together?" She lowered her eyes, the blush growing deeper.
"Yes." Connie's cheeks warmed. "I mean, sorta. I mean—well, I forgot to bring my birth control along, so we're not taking any chances."
"Oh. Well, I'm glad you have reconciled—sooner than I did. Jason seems like a wonderful man."
"He is. So does Roderick."
Darya smiled. "He is the best. According to me anyway. Sometimes I am a bit too hard on him….I take my role as queen a bit too seriously. Sometimes I think I was born to be a ruler. So was James…but he puts his family first. Or at least, does not allow them to conflict—he's wonderful at balancing work and family life. Except when it comes to their lives, or his country… I think I know what he would choose."
"Maybe there's another way. A compromise."
"Maybe. But Yavesh doesn't compromise."
"Maybe it wasn't Yavesh."
"I hope not. I can deal with common criminals. It's these ruthless organized crime rings….Yavesh is the worst of them. Not only in our own country. It's on par with some of the worst in the world, in my opinion."
A shiver ran through Connie. She hoped that Sierra would accomplish her section of the mission soon, so that they could go home…. Even if Jason were relatively safe, she didn't want him anywhere near a ruthless crime organization.
They had to get back to America. As luxurious as it was here. As much as they needed to help Luna and Ben. Connie couldn't stand the thought of Jason getting hurt, even a little. Nothing was worth that.
They finished dinner, and spoke of lighter subjects, and Connie was more at ease with the queen now that they had shared the most intimate details of their lives. After lunch, she headed back to the suite and collapsed on the bed and slept.
She jolted awake. Her phone was ringing on the bedstand. Jason's number! She snatched it up, her heart throbbing, longing aching through her.
"Jason?"
"Hi, Connie! Sorry I dashed out this morning, but I didn't want to wake you. Would you like to come with me now, though?"
"I'll just get in the way, Jason."
"You'll help me just by being there. If you'd rather not, I can cope… but I'd rather have you with me. If that's what you want. The prince is learning on the job—you can too."
"I don't know… I don't think I have the mind for that kind of thing."
"You have a wonderful mind. Besides, what I'm doing isn't all that complicated. Even if there's not a lot you can do, anything will help."
"I won't drag the investigation down?"
"No, of course not. We're not planning on going into danger, so I won't have to worry about your safety. But if you'd rather not come…."
Her heart thudded hard. "No—I want to be with you. The palace is wonderful…but it's empty without you."
"It's getting to the point I can't work anymore—I keep thinking about you. We're meant to be together. Maybe…." He paused. "Maybe with this investigation—this new kind that isn't dangerous—we could become a team. Work side by side. We would hardly ever have to be apart."
"That does sound…amazing." Longing pierced her soul at the thought. Jason had been basically living on savings, but eventually he'd have to go back to work. They'd talked about it. Connie had been working at Whit's End part time—but every waking moment she was without him, there was something empty about it. To be with him almost constantly—it was a thrilling dream.
At the same time, doubt pricked her heart. She wasn't agent—or investigator—material. She knew that in the depths of her soul, and a sinking feeling seized her. She wasn't exactly worthy of him…. with Tasha, he could have worked side by side with an agent…. But he'd chosen her, he loved her—and she loved him. Just the thought of not being with him horrified her, even if someone else would have been better. If he'd loved someone else… yes, she wouldn't be so selfish as to want him to be with someone he didn't love. But he was with her, for better or for worse, and she was going to give him her best. Though she couldn't help but think he'd be disappointed—she'd mess up the mission somehow, and eventually he'd rethink his request.
I did say I'd help find Ben…. I don't know how I can possibly help though… but I'll give it my best. It might not be enough. But I'll try, for Jason.
"I'll pick you up in half an hour," he said, and hung up.
She set the phone down and sat there for a moment, excitement coursing through her, a heavy feeling settling in her heart. She had to do this…and yet…she didn't know how she could.
At least Jason would be with her.
She got up and brushed her hair, changed clothes, and waited for Jason to arrive.