AN: Happy Holidays to all who are celebrating something this week! If you aren't celebrating anything, I hope you have a fabulous week!
Thank you for all the support! It is very deeply appreciated!
I'm an adult. I can handle talking to my best friend. All I have to do is remember we are two mature adults who can handle a little misunderstanding.
Hermione strolled to her bookstore, her muscles tense and her mind wandering back to Saturday. All day Sunday, she buried herself in work, but she couldn't get the events of Saturday night out of her mind. Every kiss replayed in her mind, exciting her body, leaving her yearning for more. How could she ever forget such sacred moments? Severus was the first man who cared whether a kiss was enjoyable for her, the first who held her in a firm yet tender grip, and the first who was able to drive her wild with his voice.
He was also the first man who was intelligent enough to know that a few kisses could ruin a perfectly wonderful friendship.
She glanced at her right arm once more. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes. He was wise to stop, though not for the reasons he stated. Had he removed her dress, he would have seen her Mudblood scar. The word that destroyed his life would be visible the entire time they made love. Yes, she would have made love to him that night had he asked, despite knowing he couldn't stand the sight of her scar. Although he would've been too much of a gentleman to say anything, he would have been disgusted that he'd slept with someone so defective. Their friendship would slowly wither away from Severus doing everything possible to avoid hurting her with how revolting he found her. Then, the one person who always gave her joy would exit her life forever. No, it was best to stop, lest their friendship be destroyed.
That didn't mean she didn't want to rush into his store, plead with him to rethink his position on being too broken to date her, and tell him she couldn't imagine making love to another man. Then, he would take her in his arms, whisper words of adoration in her ear, and carry her to his home, where they would begin loving each other for eternity.
All of these were childish fantasies. She was an adult who knew how to face reality. It was time to act in a mature manner and handle this situation properly.
She reached her door and turned around. Severus stared at her, his eyes clouded with uncertainty. It broke her heart to think he could ever doubt how much she cared for him. It just showed how an ill-advised kiss could destroy a friendship if it was not dealt with properly.
With a genuine smile, she waved at him. Her gaze lingered upon him, her eyes pleading with him to come outside and tell her he was wrong to believe they could never be together. Still, he remained rooted behind his counter, daring her to come in and say they were still friends, that Saturday wasn't destined to be the second worst day of his life.
Deciding on a course of action, she waved one more time and undid her wards. Then, she winked at him before entering her store.
There was one sure way to Severus' heart, one she knew very well. If she played her cards right, everything between them would be as it was, the way it was always intended to be.
All she had to do was act like an intelligent adult.
"Do you feel better now?" Ricardo asked.
"Infinitely," Severus grumbled.
"Great," Ricardo resumed unpacking the boxes of Australian slug tails. "I was beginning to worry your throat would get raw from yelling at so many customers."
"Customers are dunderheads." He huffed. "If I had my way, I would sell my apothecary and run a delivery service. Then, I wouldn't have to deal with anyone other than those with whom I want to associate."
"Why haven't you started a delivery service then?"
Severus raised an eyebrow.
"If you hate dealing directly with customers so much, why not start a potions delivery service? You would never need to deal with another dunderheaded customer again, at least not in person. You could stay locked in your house yelling at the sky, the furniture, or whatever else you could find to take your anger out on."
"Because in order to start a delivery service, you need to be well-established. I may have been well-established in Britain, but I wasn't in the United States, hence the reason I opened my apothecary."
"You are well-established now. Why not start a delivery service and sell the apothecary?"
Severus peered out the window. In a soft voice, he answered, "Sometimes life twists in unexpected ways. Every once in a while, someone comes along and blows your life apart until it's the most beautiful disaster you've ever witnessed."
Ricardo finished unloading his boxes. "Your life isn't a disaster."
"It's always been a disaster. Why would it be any different now?" Severus snarled.
"Because you have today to change your life, to become the person you want to be."
"No, I don't."
"Of course you do."
"Ricardo, I appreciate your eternal optimism, but to be quite blunt, you have no idea what I've been through," Severus' voice was controlled. "You have no idea what it's like to pretend to be someone else just to survive, the scars that level of deception leaves on you, how damaged you are afterwards."
"You honestly don't think I know what it's like to pretend to be someone else?" Ricardo furrowed his eyebrows.
"How could you? You've never been a double agent in a war."
"You're right." Ricardo stood up straighter. "I've never been in a war, but I have lived life as a closeted gay man, the sole heir of the Sanchez family."
"Wait," Severus drawled. "The Sanchez family?"
"Yes."
"The purebloods out of San Francisco, the richest pureblood family west of the Mississippi?"
"Yep, the filthy rich, completely pureblood Sanchez family. I am the only son of my parents."
"I always thought you two just shared a name." Severus swallowed. "I had no idea you were Ricardo Sanchez of the San Francisco Sanchez family."
"Why would you?" Ricardo shrugged. "Sanchez is a common enough last name, and I feel no need to advertise my lineage. It would only distract people from giving me business."
Severus hummed.
"Anyway, being the homosexual son of such a prestigious pureblood family, I know what it's like to hide who you are, to spend your whole life looking over your shoulder terrified you'll be discovered, and to know you could lose everything if anyone knew who you really were."
"I would imagine living like that is difficult, especially if your parents disinherit you and leave everything to your sister."
"Actually, my parents would just donate their inheritance to charity. My sister is a squib, and grandmother would roll over in her grave if the entire fortune went to her."
"Oh," Severus' eyes shifted. "I did not know she was squib."
"We don't advertise that fact," Ricardo continued. "My parents raised her because they'd always wanted a daughter and couldn't stand the thought of giving her up for adoption. As far as upholding family traditions, though, that all fell to me. I was the one who was to continue the family bloodline by marrying an equally rich and well-connected pureblood woman."
"But that is not what you wanted," Severus noted.
"No, although I tried." Ricardo took a deep breath. "I tried everything to fall in love with women. I tried dating every woman who would throw herself at me, tried saying all the right things to make her love me, tried to see the good in her, and tried to convince myself that given enough time, I could become attracted to her. I dated so many women I gained the reputation of a womanizer. Yet, I couldn't get past kissing them. They were all lovely people, but I was not interested in them the way a husband should be. So, I dumped them all, lest they waste their time creating something that didn't exist."
Severus nodded.
"Men, on the other hand," Ricardo smirked. "Yes, I will admit to having posters of George Michael and Ricky Martin in my college dorm. Both were shirtless, of course."
"I see," Severus twisted his lip. "Forgive me for my ignorance. I thought you had always been out of the closet."
"No, I hid my sexuality for years. I was twenty-four before I went to my first gay bar in Reno, only a few blocks from Calivada University. I thought if I could kiss a man, I would get it all out of my system. If I saw how unfulfilling men were, I could be straight and focus on marrying a pureblood woman." Ricardo chuckled. "I saw Joseph perform that night and fell in love with him at first sight. It didn't matter that he was a No-Maj; all I knew was that he was beautiful and I needed him in my life."
"I thought you two met in Vegas."
"I tell people that, but that is only because I was finally myself in Vegas. The truth was, we first knew each other in Reno. At first, I was terrified of speaking to him, but I worked up the courage to say 'hello' after the show. He called me cute and offered to take me out for a coffee at a twenty-four-hour diner. I agreed to do so. After talking to him for two hours, he looked at me and said, 'We're going to be magic together.'"
"I'd imagine your rich pureblood parents were thrilled that you were dating a No-Maj man."
"Initially, I didn't tell them about Joseph," Ricardo shook his head. "I told them I was too focused on my career to date anyone. In reality, I was with Joseph almost every day. We were nearly inseparable. Joseph was the first No-Maj who knew I was a wizard and promised to keep it a secret. According to him, if anyone knew about the importance of not outing someone, it would be a gay man."
Severus moistened his lips.
"He never asked me to come out, but he did make it clear he wasn't putting his career as a drag queen on hold for anyone. Drag was the one thing he'd always wanted to do, and he was barely making enough to pay rent. He wasn't going to live off anyone, but he wasn't giving up drag for a career he hated. So, when he got his big break, he was leaving. I didn't take him seriously until the owner ofThe Flamingocame and told him he wanted him in his drag show. It was the big break he'd always wanted."
"And I take it you didn't move to Vegas with him."
"No," Ricardo's throat tightened. "I told him that moving with him would make our relationship too public, that I would have to explain too much to my family, and I wasn't ready to do it. He understood. Still, the money and the exposure were too much to pass up, so he left. He told me to look him up if I was ever in Vegas, and there would always be a place in his heart for me. I said I would visit him if I ever came down and that I'd always love him. Still, I didn't think a man like him would wait around for a man like me. Thus, I considered us to be over forever. So I buried myself in work to ignore the pain of losing him. After graduating from the university, I used some of my trust money to found a potions-collecting company and told my parents I wanted something to do other than be the heir to a fortune."
"Do your parents know about Joseph now?" Severus asked.
"They found out about our relationship a year after he left for Vegas. I just," Ricardo's voice cracked. "After being with him for so long, after knowing what it was like to be free, to be loved for who I was, I couldn't handle being in the closet anymore. On Christmas Eve a year after my breakup with Joseph, I drank too much spiked egg nog and admitted everything to my parents. I told them I was gay, I was in love with a No-Maj, and I would do anything for him to take me back. To say they were less than pleased would be an understatement."
"Are things better between all of you now?"
"We still aren't on the best of terms, though they are making an effort to understand that I have to be who I am, and I'm going to live my life as I see fit. Still, I think they put my sister back in the will just to ensure I don't inherit everything and a No-Maj doesn't one day live in their mansion. They're also hoping my sister has a child so someone will carry on the line. If that child is magical, then they will probably inherit everything, which is fine. I am getting by just fine on my own."
"You seem to be doing well anyway."
"Indeed," Ricardo replied. "After I came out of the closet, I decided to find Joseph again. So I moved to Vegas in the name of starting my business. I went from gay bar to gay bar asking how he was doing and if he was seeing anyone. The last thing I wanted to do was destroy his happiness, even if he'd found it with another man. There were rumors about a few men who showed an interest in him, but nobody had any concrete answers as to whether or not he was single. It took a couple of months, but I finally worked up the courage to go to one of his shows." Ricardo grinned. "Joseph was in the middle of a dance when he saw me. I'll never forget the way his eyes lit up. He wrapped his pink boa around my neck and danced as hard as he could around me. Just being near him again made coming out worth it."
"And he took you back?"
"With no questions asked." Ricardo relaxed. "I waited for him to come out after the show, and we went out for coffee at a diner that was open for twenty-four hours. I explained everything that I had been through. Then I told him I understood if he'd found another boyfriend, but I wanted him to know that I was grateful for how he'd changed my life and that I would always hold a place for him in my heart. He embraced me and said, 'I told you, we are magic together.' Then he kissed me, and the rest is history."
"I had no idea you'd been through any of that." Severus looked down. "I feel as if I should have."
"There's no reason for you to know any of this. I only share my story with those who need to know it."
Severus glanced at him. "Why do you think I need to hear this story?"
"Because you are on the cusp of making the same mistake I did, namely letting the person you love walk out of your life because you want to live a double life. You are so focused on why you cannot be with Hermione that you are ignoring all the reasons you should be with her, the most important reason being you two are crazy in love with each other."
Severus opened his mouth.
"No, I've seen the way she looks at you. It's the same way Joseph looks at me. You two are madly in love with each other, but for whatever reason, you're afraid to say the words aloud. You would both be so much happier if you'd stop denying yourselves a chance at love and would tell each other how you feel."
Severus licked his lips, allowing his words to sink in.
"I'm going to give you this." Ricardo reached into his pocket and held out a letter. "Decide what you want out of your life. Do you want to spend the rest of your life behind a mask of indifference and inadequacy, or do you want to accept the love Hermione is offering you?"
"She doesn't love me." Severus took the letter. "Not after the way I messed up Saturday night."
"I doubt what you did was unforgivable."
"This may be."
"Then why did she wave at you?"
"She's trying to pretend nothing happened."
"From the way you talk about her, it doesn't sound like she'd be the kind of person to just forget something had occurred."
"She may not realize the full extent of my misstep."
"What exactly did you do to her?"
"I lied to her." Severus shook. "I lied to her, to myself, and to everyone else about what I wanted. I thought I was telling her the truth, but it was all a lie. I told her one of the biggest lies I could say, and now she will never know how deeply my affections for her run or how much I've grown to love her."
"Well, she still smiled and waved at you." Ricardo gave him a small grin. "That has to mean something."
"It means I don't deserve someone as wonderful as her." Severus shook his head and received the letter.
"None of us deserves love." Ricardo patted Severus' arm. "Yet it's offered to us anyway."
Severus stared at the letter.
"Decide what you want out of life, but do it before you lose Hermione. From what I can tell, she's a patient woman. Yet even the most patient woman won't wait forever."
Severus didn't see Ricardo leave. Instead he stared at the letter, wishing Hermione had been the one to write him a letter telling her that she loved him as much as he'd grown to love her.