Chapter Eleven

Triggers

Bella Swan

March 2005

"Oh, Bella, look at you! You're stunning!" Esme fawned over me as she stepped into Alice's room for the girls big reveal. "You look so beautiful in blue. Just like an angel!"

Alice beamed, "She chose it herself, but I thought it might be her color."

"I'm so glad you all seem to be getting along so well. I'm very happy you've decided to stay, Bella." Esme smiled warmly at me.

Her smile was starting to corrupt my brain, "I am too, thank you." I tried to offer her a real smile in return, but I could feel how foreign it was on my face.

Esme's smile faltered, her eyes looked sad at my poor attempt to smile back, but she seemed to understand and moved on.

"Well then, if you're up to it, we'd love for you all to join us back downstairs." Esme offered. "We could spend a little more time getting to know each other that way. Or, if you're feeling a little too overwhelmed, you could spend some time on your own if you'd like to."

Rosalie and Alice looked at me, making it entirely my choice, "Sure. That sounds okay." I nodded.

As I followed Esme and the girls down the stairs, at an agonizingly slow pace, I fought to resist the urge to flee back upstairs. I had to remind myself repeatedly that the Cullens had promised to not harm me as I entered the living room. I needed to try my best to seem normal if I hoped to get them to trust me.

Emmett whistled loudly as I walked into the living room behind Rosalie, "Damn girl, you clean up good!"

"Oh, yeah, she and Alice were really nice." I agreed with him and he surprised me by laughing loudly.

"I was talking about you!" He cackled and Rosalie smacked him on the shoulder. "Babe, come on! She's funny!"

"Emmett, please, try to keep the teasing to a minimum for today." Esme shot him a disapproving look as she joined Carlisle and the Major where they sat looking through different textbooks together.

Emmett groaned like she'd ruined all of his fun, "But Ma, you just said earlier that she'd have brothers! My job as a brother is to pick on her! What's the fun in having a little sister if I can't play with her?" He griped, a wide teasing smile stretching across his face.

I still stood in the doorway. I didn't know where to sit, or if I even should, or how to move slowly like they did so I didn't seem strange. I felt a little guilty that Emmett was being chastised for something that didn't really bother me.

"I've always been an only child." I told the room. "I don't mind the jokes, really, especially because I don't understand how they're funny."

Several people erupted in laughter and even Esme was trying to reign in her giggling. I was dumbfounded. I didn't understand why everyone kept thinking I was so funny.

"Oh, I see, you think you're a jokester." Emmett muttered as he stood to his feet. He was easily a foot taller than me and had three times my muscle volume.

"No, I don't think that at all. I'm not funny." I shook my head.

"No, no, go ahead and own it Swan." He taunted me, and I realized I hadn't heard my last name since my change. I turned and he was suddenly hovering over me.

"Emmett, I'm not-"

"Oh, come on!" He grinned as he pushed my shoulder. "Tell another joke!"

The Major stood from his seat, "Emmett, stop, seriously you're going to-"

"Not until the little swan tells her next joke!" He pushed at my shoulder again and it was hard enough to send me to the ground.

Emmett laughed again, towering over me as I hit the floor, and all I could think of was Roland's massive feet kicking into my ribs over and over again. Hearing the cheering crowd around us as I lost over and over again before I learned to beat him.

Without thinking through my actions, I lunged first before Roland could attack me. I hit him from his left side and used his counter weight to throw him to the floor. I was turning to go to his throat when a different force hit me from behind.

I countered before I could be taken to the ground, but, just when I thought I was in control, the arms had me again and forced me outside before throwing me to the ground. I went to fight again, but a heavy foot landed on a spot at the base of my neck while my arms were held in the air behind me. I didn't even know I had such a weak spot, and the pressure being placed on it made me feel like I couldn't move enough to stand.

"Bella." Archers voice startled me, and I wondered why I was on the ground outside rather than the floor of the concrete basement. "Listen to me. Emmett didn't know what he was doing. He wasn't trying to hurt you. He thought he was playing with you and didn't realize how you'd react. Calm down."

"Who the hell is Emmett?" I growled angrily as I struggled against his hold. "Let me go, Archer!" I shrieked.

A rush of ice water poured over my whole body and I suddenly was in reality again. Emmett, not Roland, had pushed me down by accident and I had responded by trying to take him down. Then Archer, no, not Archer, because he was dead. Then the Major stepped in and got me out of the house away from Roland, no Emmett, to try to keep everyone safe. I was instantly horrified and full of shame that I let this all happen.

"Are you calm again?" The Major asked me, his voice gentle now, and I nodded.

He helped me up and even dusted me off a little as I stood in complete shock. I tried to open my mouth and say something, but no words would come out. I couldn't believe I'd ruined my chance so quickly. After proving myself to be such a monster, apparently an insane one too, I couldn't imagine them ever wanting me around them again.

The Major sighed heavily as he looked down at me, "Bella, who did you think Emmett was?"

I shook my head, my throat was too tight and my eyes burned too painfully to think straight, and I couldn't think of something to say.

"Well, you called me Archer." The Major looked out along the tree line. "Understandable, really. All you know of me is my dangerous past, so of course you'd associate me with the cruel handler you had. Emmett, on the other hand-"

"Roland." I forced the name out through my clenched teeth. "I thought he was Roland."

"Roland hurt you a lot?" He asked me gently.

I nodded. "He was Emmett's same size too, nearly. When I was new, he'd knock me down and just stand over me for a moment before the attack came. He'd laugh and soak in the power trip while he could."

The Major nodded as if I was making some sort of sense, "Emmett pushed you down on accident. A stupid decision he made, really. Carlisle and Alice are giving him a full lecture in the study now. But, Bella, I can see how him standing over you and laughing at you triggered this outburst. I've had them myself. Still, even if I and the others can understand it, we've got to work towards stopping them."

I was stunned, "You mean...I'm not getting sent away for this?"

Now it was time for the Major to gawk at me, "No, of course not. Why would you think something like that?"

"Because I tried to hurt him and you both over some stupid memories. I've been trying so hard to act normal so I'd get to stay and I've already messed everything up. I don't know where else I'd go to try to get myself straightened out again. There's no one else I can-"

The Major cut off my ranting when he pulled me into his arms and wrapped them tightly around me. I struggled for a moment, but finally relented.

"Just go ahead already." I sighed in defeat.

"With what?" He asked me. His chin rested on the top of my head as he spoke.

"Aren't you going to take my head off now?"

"Bella, no." The Major shook his head as he tightened his arms around me. "I know it's probably been a long time for you, but this is called a hug."

"A hug?" I frowned. "Why are you hugging me?"

"Because you needed it. I don't give them often usually, so you better soak this up while you can." He chuckled and the deep sound vibrated through my ribs. "Bella, if you don't feel you can trust everyone right now then start by picking one person first. Learn one person at a time until you're comfortable overall. Alice brought me here and, at first, I was only here because she was so excited to have the family she'd waited fifty years for. When I realized I had to make a real effort to find myself again, I started small with Alice's help." He advised me. "Of course, I'd like it if you could start with learning to trust me. I'd be a better help if you had a semblance of trust in me, but beggars can't be choosers."

Before I decided to, I wrapped my arms around the Majors torso and hugged him back as gently as I could. I was still scared, frightened out of my mind, of him and all he could do to me. He could hurt me in ways I'd never thought possible, he could drag me back to Maria, he could kill me, or he could get me banished from his coven. But, I decided that none of it truly mattered. Whatever would come of this strange encounter with him and this coven would come and I'd just have to learn to accept it. If I was being offered this kindness, my first hug from a (seemingly) caring person in months, then I was going to hug the person in return. If this person was asking for me to let them show them I could trust them, when they'd already put trust in me, then I would give them that chance.

"Is everything alright?" Carlisle asked from the deck. I was relieved to hear there was no trace of anger or disappointment in his voice.

When the Major let me go, I looked to Carlisle and was shocked to see a wide smile on his face. He seemed so proud, maybe even fond, to see us together.

"Perfectly." The Major nodded and smiled back at him just as widely. "Right, Bella?"

I stared at him for a moment, "Right, Jasper." I agreed with him, using his name, and his smile somehow got even wider.

"Glad to hear it." Carlisle chuckled. "Feel free to join us whenever you'd like to. Emmett has an apology he'd like to make to you, Bella."

"No, he doesn't need to." I shook my head at Jasper as Carlisle went back inside. "I'm the one that lost it. He shouldn't get in trouble just because I'm crazy."

"You aren't crazy." Jasper glared at me and urged me to follow him. "You can apologize to each other, if that will make you happy."

Alice met us as soon as we stepped into the house, "Oh good! You managed not to get her sweater dirty!" She cheered before taking my hand and tugging me into the living room. "Now, Emmett, don't you have something to say?"

Emmett sat next to Rosalie, his elbows on his knees as he sat forwards in his seat, and he looked right at me as he spoke, "Bella, I'm really sorry. I mean it. I thought I was just playing with you and I didn't realize I was stressing you out so bad. You're still new, I get that, and I was too rough too fast. I'm so sorry."

"No, Emmett, I'm sorry." I told him quickly, not liking that he was forced to apologize for nothing he did wrong. "I went a little crazy. I thought you were someone else and I acted out of fear. I'm sorry if I hurt you or if I damaged anything." I swore to him before turning to address the rest of the room. "I'll try harder to act more normal, I swear. I'm so sorry."

Carlisle straightened up in his seat, his face looked worried suddenly, and I feared he'd reached his limit. "First thing, what do you mean that you thought he was someone else?" He asked me gently despite the intense look on his face.

"It seems like Bella's had an episode like I used to have back in the early days." Jasper told him, sparing me the embarrassment of explaining myself, as he sat down beside Carlisle again. "I got an ounce of peace and my brain went haywire. Everything that wasn't a threat suddenly became one after experiencing a trigger. Trust me, Bella, I've done worse than throw Emmett to the floor in one of my outburst."

"It's a form of post traumatic stress disorder." Carlisle diagnosed me quickly. His eyes looked so kind and understanding as he spoke to me. "Although I hoped, for your own sake, that you wouldn't have these kinds of flashbacks, I did brace myself for the potential. We haven't seen one of Jaspers in years, he's worked hard to find peace for himself, so I hoped you'd gotten out in time to be free from the same kind of torment. Sadly I don't think this is the only trigger you'll have. We'll work together and see what we can do to help these experiences ease over time."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing as Alice had me sit down on the couch. At any moment I was sure the prank would be revealed and I'd be asked to leave before I could do any more damage.

"Now, second thing," Carlisle continued. "What did you mean when you said that you'd try harder to act more normal?"

Jasper wasn't stepping in to help me this time, apparently, as he was more focused on Alice as she perched beside him on the arm of the couch. Everyone's eyes were watching me intently again.

"I..." words were becoming hard to find lately, "I'm really not anything like all of you. It's so hard to just sit somewhere in the open or walk slowly. It's hard to not constantly search the room for threats. I've only been here a few hours and I already feel like I'm failing at this. I threw Emmett to the ground just because he pushed me a little and laughed at me for crying out loud." My eyes were burning and I clutched at my throat as my breath started to catch again. "Maria tried to convince me that you all play mind games on outsiders, that I couldn't fall for your false sense of security, and I'm trying very hard to convince myself that she's wrong but it's so hard. I-"

"Bella, breathe." Edward caught my hand in his, prying my hands off my throat as he did so, and I was surprised that I didn't realize I'd been sitting beside him. "Everything you described that is overwhelming and so difficult for you right now is entirely understandable. You've been through a lot and no one is asking you to forget that. You have a place here. Stop thinking that you're ruining everything for yourself if you're not as "normal" as the rest of us. Whatever that means." He chuckled, but not unkindly, before looking across the room. "And Jasper, seriously, what does Maria do to make herself seem so convincing to people?"

"No idea." Jasper put up his hands in defeat. "She's a witch that way I guess."

"Witch?" Emmett smiled. "More like a-"

"Emmett." Esme warned him.

I chose to side with Emmett, "He was going to say "bitch", and he's not wrong."

"Oh so it's okay when she says it!" Emmett complained, but he smiled at me in a way that clearly told me he liked my joining in his teasing. "Wow, already picking a new favorite, huh?"

"I don't think her favorite was you in the first place, Emmett." Jasper chuckled.

Emmett was on his feet, "Outside! Now! I've had enough of your back talk today, Jazz."

"Oh, a challenge?" Jasper smiled cockily as he stood and unnecessarily stretched out his lean arms. "What will this score make us? Me 648 and you..."

"It's 'bout to be twenty-four!" Emmett taunted and they left the back door.

I broke the sudden silence, "What were they talking about?"

"They have these fake fights all of the time." Rosalie sighed as she flipped through a car magazine. "It averages to about one fight every month for the last fifty-six years, in case you're wondering. Sometimes they go months without one, and then they have one every night until Emmett becomes a sore loser."

"But I didn't see any scars on Emmett." I questioned and I knew I'd said something wrong again when the room froze.

"Their fights aren't like the training, sparing matches, or fights that you know of." Alice told me. "They only wrestle to see who can get the other pinned down first. They have clear rules of no teeth, no nails, and no psychic influences. Well, except when Edward plays along, he can't help it."

I turned to face Edward at my side, "You're psychic too? Like Alice and Jasper?"

"I don't claim to be psychic, that's really just Alice's thing," he denied quickly, "but, yes, I've got a gift that gives me an unfair advantage. I don't choose to use it, though, it's active all the time."

"So what can you do?" I asked.

"I read minds." Edward answered simply, but I nearly jumped out of my skin. He must've seen the panic on my face because he continued on quickly, "It's okay, don't freak out. I actually can't read yours at all. You don't have to worry about anything."

I absolutely did have something to worry about. It was one issue when I thought he could hear everything I was thinking, but it was a whole other issue that he heard nothing from me at all.

"So I'm broken?" I gasped. "There's actually something wrong with my brain then? Perfect!"

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all." Edward denied quickly. "Actually, we were all prepared for the possibility that I might not be able to hear anything from you. We were surprised when Jaspers gift worked on you at all."

"Bella," Carlisle got my attention, "Alice has seen previously how you've been able to avoid any sort of mental attack against you. The encounter you had just recently where you saw enemies that no one else did until you eliminated the source of the illusion is a great example. We guessed you might be able to avoid Edward's gift, and he told us earlier that your thoughts were unreadable to him. We also thought Jaspers gift might not work on you either, but his is rooted more in the physical sense and seems to work on you. Though, he said he had to give you a stronger dosage than he usually does others."

I relaxed slightly. I still felt a little bit like a freak, but it helped that no one else seemed to think I was insane.

"Better?" Edward smiled softly at me, and his pretty golden eyes looked so warm in the dim lighting.

I could only nod.

This boy had been nothing but kind to me, I realized, when I had convinced myself that he and his coven were a major threat to me. I'd been planning the best way to incapacitate him long enough to ensure my escape. He was free of any scarring, from what I could see of him anyway, and I felt horrible that I was going to have been the one to ruin his flawless record. Still, even seeing me take down his brother three times my size, he had no mistrust or fear anywhere in his pretty eyes. I thought about confessing to him how I'd planned to hurt him in order to get away from his coven, but I decided not to risk the safety I felt with him just yet.

"Oh, Bella, speaking of the reading minds and emotions thing," Alice distracted me, "I found a rock in the pocket of your jeans. I'll put it in your room, if you'd like me to. I didn't know if you'd want to keep it or not." She grinned at me.

I immediately knew what rock she was talking about. I also knew by the look on her face that she knew what I'd been intending to do with that rock.

"Thank you." I nodded, but I had no idea why I'd decided to keep it. Some terribly morbid memento of the time I didn't kill Edward?

A loud thud came from outside, followed by Emmett and Jasper's voices griping at each other, and Rosalie tossed her magazine on the coffee table before standing to her feet.

"Come on, Alice." She sighed heavily. "Let's go congratulate Jasper before I have to talk Emmett off the ledge he'll be on."

Alice laughed loudly, a sound I didn't think someone so tiny would be capable of, and danced outside after Rosalie to find the boys. Leaving me alone with Edward, Carlisle, and Esme.

"It's been a long day for you hasn't it?" Carlisle asked me, and he seemed genuine and kind still.

"A long few months." I sighed.

"You're so tired, but you're carrying on in spite of everything that's hurt you, Bella. I'm very proud of you." He smiled at me and I nearly choked from the tightness in my chest.

"We both are." Esme agreed with him. "Would you like to go upstairs and rest for a bit?"

"But, vampires don't sleep. Right?"

"No, we don't, but it's nice to dress comfortably and lie down for a while sometimes." Esme's smile was still just as sweet as it was earlier in the night. "Just because we don't sleep anymore doesn't mean that we shouldn't get to rest in nearly the same way."

I glanced at Edward and he smiled encouragingly, "Okay." I agreed. "I'll try it."

"Alright, let me show you around your room then." Esme offered.

"Goodnight, Bella." Carlisle wished me as I started to leave the room with Esme.

Although I found the expression a little strange, I offered him a small wave before continuing to follow Esme upstairs.

"You've done so well today, sweetheart." Esme smiled widely at me as we entered the room.

She showed me the closet of clothes Alice and Rosalie had cultivated for me over the last three months and I tried not to show any of the discomfort I felt. They had really gone to so much trouble for me and I'd nearly ruined it all. What if I hadn't chosen to stay? There would just be an empty result when they had prepared so well for a different outcome.

Esme also showed me where she had put more practical items and comfortable clothes for me in the dresser. She pulled back the comforter on the bed, turned on the few lamps, and then turned off the overhead light when she reached the door.

"Alright, Bella. Your time is yours. Try to rest a little while, but feel free to come find any of us when you're ready to." Esme smiled softly and I could sense her happiness. "Goodnight, sweetheart."

"Goodnight."

And then she was gone.

I paced for a moment, not really sure what to do with yet another free moment alone. I tried to listen for any noise downstairs, but what very little I could hear was so faint that I couldn't make out what anyone was doing or saying. They must have the house sound proofed extremely well. Finally, I decided to give the experience my best shot and changed into the first thing I found in the first drawer I opened.

I changed into the dark grey sweats without looking at myself, just as I always did when changing. I knew that was an upcoming breakdown to face on a different day. I kept my socks on and placed the pair of black sneakers Alice had put me in earlier on the floor at the side of the bed. Just in case something happened quickly and I'd want to take them.

There was nothing left to do except try and rest then, but I wasn't totally convinced by Esme that it would be beneficial. We didn't have a need for sleep and I didn't know how simply lying down was going to help me. Still, I climbed into the bed and pulled the soft comforter around me as I settled back against the pillows.

The immediate sense of relief and reminders of home that I had were enough to make me sob.