"This is who you described as a cuddly teddy bear?" Raven asked Buffy as Cyborg readied the big screen TV to play the video they'd downloaded from the League's files.
"He is," Buffy assured them.
"This does not read like a cuddly teddy bear," Robin told her, gesturing to Xander's travelog on his laptop.
"It's not all he is," Oz pointed out.
"One can be a warrior and still enjoy cuddles," Starfire said firmly.
"He's a cuddler," Willow agreed.
"He's only not a big comfy teddy bear when he needs to be," Buffy said.
"Yeah, well, I'm sure Batman is a pretty chill guy when he's not facing off against the Joker-" Cyborg began.
"He's really not," Robin interrupted.
Cyborg paused. "Really? Dude's never chill?"
"Only when split into different aspects of his personality by forces beyond our comprehension is Batman ever chill," Robin said, "and even then it's one chill out of… eight, I think."
"I thought I was the only one who ever did that," Raven said, drawing everyone's attention.
"Let's put a pin in that," Cyborg said, "cause we're going to be addressing it later. Anyway, I'm sure Xander is chill with people he cares for when nothing is going on, but when on the job the man is a beast! No offense, Beastboy."
"None taken," Beastboy waved it off.
"Everyone has a beast inside of them," Oz offered, "it's just more apparent in some."
"I thought everyone knew that," Buffy said and shrugged. "I'm just saying unless he has a reason to be otherwise, Xander is a big fluffy teddy bear who gives the best hugs."
"He does give some good hugs," Oz agreed. At everyone's looks he shrugged. "I needed a hug and Willow was in a coma."
"Which is probably why you needed a hug," Buffy said as Willow hugged him.
"Okay, so when you guys are doing the heavy lifting, he works as your team's emotional support," Robin said.
"And comic relief," Buffy added.
"I think I have a better feel for him now," Robin said. "Let's play the videos."
Cyborg cued up the first police lecture and the group watched it, Robin taking notes as Xander discussed dealing with the undead.
"Huh, I already knew a lot of that but he made it easy to understand and remember," Beastboy said.
"He's pretty good," Cyborg agreed.
"Very practical," Raven agreed.
"He got a lot of practice training our senior class," Willow offered.
"And here's the second lecture," Cyborg said, queuing the video.
"Jesus!" Beastboy exclaimed, wide eyed. "I didn't even see him move!"
"He's got good technique," Buffy agreed with a smile.
The Titans looked at the Sunnydalers, but none of them seemed in the least surprised and they exchanged glances, realizing that was normal for them.
"I do not like vampires and am glad he was dusted," Starfire said firmly, shivering as she recalled what the vampire had said.
"The difference between these two lectures are like night and day," Raven said.
Buffy snorted. "Xander isn't about to drop his guard around a vampire."
"Sunnydale was like a different world, wasn't it?" Raven asked, seeing how the Scoobs treated it all as normal.
"It really is," Willow agreed.
"Okay, last video," Cyborg said.
Willow shot nervous looks at Oz, but he simply wrapped an arm around her and hugged her to his side.
"That's not right," Raven said as they watched Xander and Willow make out between beatings.
"Yeah, they were both dating other people," Buffy said.
"No, look at the body language," Robin said, "that's not natural."
"I… huh," Buffy said. "Yeah, I can see it."
"Wasn't you," Oz told Willow who hugged him tightly.
"His injuries are too severe to be suddenly amorous," Starfire said.
The Titans' jaws dropped as Xander threatened Spike, basically daring him to kill him before turning to the Scoobs and finding them unsurprised.
"Can you actually get back up after dying just because you will it?" Buffy asked with a frown.
"It would take an incredibly strong will to even make the attempt," Raven said as she considered the matter.
"So yes then," Buffy said.
"And that's when we rushed off to get Cordelia to the hospital," Willow said, very grateful that Cyborg had fast forwarded through the rest of the scenes of her making out with Xander.
"He's dying," Robin said suddenly.
"What?!" several voices chorused.
"Look at the blood pooling beneath his right foot," Robin pointed out.
"Is Xander already a zombie?!" Buffy demanded, wondering how she'd missed it and wincing as she remembered all the drama their lives had been filled with at the time.
"We didn't even notice he was that injured," Willow said quietly, horrified.
"He was alive when we encountered him," Raven pointed out.
Everyone stared in shock as Xander tore into and drained several vampires before leaving.
"Vampire blood has a tremendous healing effect, but the downsides are equally large," Willow said. "Addiction and being under control of the vamp who fed you are the major ones."
"Dust can't issue commands," Buffy said, "Looks like there was a little of the Primal left, thank god."
"Yeah," Willow agreed.
"Ack!" the males exclaimed and winced as Spike's big white ass was revealed.
"Eh, I've seen better," Buffy waved it off, amused.
"Okay, so our minds were messed with, Xander almost died because we rushed off without him, and… is there an and?" Willow asked hopefully.
"And it is all the Mayor's doing," Buffy said, "may he rest in pieces."
"What she said," Oz told Willow.
"Even the members of your group you describe as normal would fit in with us," Cyborg said.
"Probably," Buffy agreed. "I think our definition of normal is broken."
"Normal for us, isn't," Oz offered.
"I'm bookmarking the site where his travelog is," Robin said, "his vacation is more dangerous than our average work week."
"To find worthy foes one must climb the mountains and walk the plains!" Starfire declared.
"Oh," Buffy said, eyes lighting up, "that explains it!"
"Can I get a translation?" Oz asked.
"Xander isn't guarding a specific area and driving off all the monsters, he's venturing into the jungles and attracting them," she explained.
"He's a weirdness magnet," Oz summed up.
"Have you been talking to Blue Devil?" Robin asked.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Xander awoke and looked around confused for a moment as he wasn't in his familiar bedroom. "Oh yeah, hotel," he said as he got up. "That explains why the bed was so comfortable."
He shaved and brushed his teeth while trying to decide if he should look for an IHOP or Denny's or skip restaurants altogether and grab something from a convenience store.
*knock*knock*knock*
"I'll be out in a minute and you can clean the room," Xander called out as he picked up his bag, glancing around to make sure he didn't forget anything.
He opened the door and found a middle aged man with a sharp haircut on the other side.
"Detective?" Xander guessed.
"Detective Peter Thompson," the man agreed. "Might I have a moment of your time?"
"Sure," Xander agreed, stepping out and closing the door behind him. "Didn't expect to meet the local police this early in the morning."
"It's noon," Peter pointed out.
"I tend to work nights," Xander replied.
Peter chuckled. "I know how that is."
"So what can I help you with?" Xander asked. "I'd ask how you found me, but I'm guessing you guys just ran my plates."
"Word has gotten out that you're the man to see about supernatural problems and that you're easy to work with," Peter told him.
Xander nodded. "I specialize in the undead, but I have a decent knowledge base on the supernatural in general and a couple of people on speed dial who are dedicated researchers. What can I help you with?"
Peter sighed in relief. "Glad the rumors about you are true. Thomsonville is a small town with less than thirty thousand people, so having at least one person a year go missing and finding their corpse in the same building is a huge red flag."
Xander's stomach growled. "Can we grab breakfast while we discuss this?"
"Yeah, it's just about time for lunch," the detective agreed.
"Got an IHOP?"
"Of course," Peter said. "Grab your car and follow me."
Over Pancakes
"Old house, no owner, lots of spooky stories from the kids," Xander noted as he paged through the files. "Looks haunted. Have you tried boarding it up and tossing a chain link fence around it?"
"Already done," Peter said and sipped his coffee. "Last two bodies were found inside without an obvious means of entry."
"Common traits among the victims?" Xander set the files down and ate his pancakes.
"Race, age, background," Peter listed off, "all random. Some were locals, others were just passing through."
Xander nodded thoughtfully as he ate. "Have you tried arson? Burn the place down and have a priest bless the ashes might work."
"Or it could release whatever is in the house," Peter replied. "That's why we wanted to consult with you first."
"Good point," Xander said. "I'll call in Constantine, see if he has any ideas."
"Constantine? Dresses like a noir detective, bit of a prick?" Peter asked.
"That's the puppy," Xander agreed.
"I didn't think the Justice League dealt with problems this small." The detective sipped his coffee.
"People are dying, they deal with it," Xander replied and wiped his mouth with a napkin before pulling out his phone. "Hey Constantine, no missing kids this time, though at least three dead ones in the last five years."
There was a flash of light and Constantine was there.
"Oh, pancakes," he said, smiling a little. "Budge over, I haven't had breakfast yet."
Peter rolled his eyes and scooted over while John waved down a waitress and ordered a short stack.
"So what's the situation?" John asked, reaching for a cigarette before he realized he couldn't smoke in the restaurant and sighed.
"Old mansion ends up with a corpse in it once a year, no common theme between them, no common time," Xander replied.
"Board the place up?" John asked.
"First thing we tried," Peter said, "even put up a chain link fence, but it had no effect."
"Tried burning it down yet?" John asked.
"That was the next idea, but if there's something trapped in there we don't want to free it," Peter explained.
"Good point, I'll check it out after breakfast," John said as the waitress delivered his pancakes and coffee.
"Do all you supernatural types eat breakfast at noon?"
"I was up late rescuing a couple of kids from the Fae realm," John replied.
"And then the kids rescued us," Xander added with a grin, happy to pop the air of mystique Constantine was trying to create.
John shot Xander a glare and then looked thoughtful. "More like we rescued the Fae from them."
"What are the odds that burning the place down will work?" Peter asked, steering the conversation back on track.
"Better than ninety percent," John said, "but since I'm here we might as well check first."
"Good," Peter said, "We've got people who specialize in arson who will probably make a party of it if you give the go ahead."
"A party filled with happy cheering people would actually make it safer," John offered, before taking a drink of coffee, "there's a reason we have celebrations to drive back the darkness."
"Which is probably why a number of holidays aren't discouraged by the Catholic church despite their pagan roots," Xander said.
"Got it in one," John agreed. "Leap Day to confuse the Fey, Easter to prevent The Feast, and of course Christmas locks down a half dozen of the worst sin hunters."
"Who are your professional arsonists?" Xander asked. "I only know amateur ones."
Peter grinned.
One Hour Later
"The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! We don't need no water, let the mother fucker burn!" the local firefighters chanted as they cheered and drank beer, a number making Molotov cocktails to throw at the flaming mansion.
"I never knew firefighters were fire bugs," Xander said as Peter passed him a beer.
"They're a group of men who study fire," John said, "pretty obvious."
"Only in retrospect," Xander said.
A ghostly blue figure was visible on the roof of the flaming building but was driven back inside by several expert throws and a lot of laughter.
"Burger?" the fire chief offered as he flipped the patties onto a plate.
"Nah, I just ate," Xander said.
"Put your shoulder into it Lazenby!" the fire chief yelled to a teen volunteer who's thrown Molotov shattered against the buildings brick facade, failing to get even close to the roof.
Xander took a drink and smiled. He used to think he was weird, but the more he saw of the US the more normal he seemed.
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
Beta By: Abyssal Angel and Mist of Shadows
RUGoing2writethat Omake: The Poker Game
The last chapter and what you said about Eugene and Jethro made me think of them playing poker together, like in a fanfiction called "Harry Potter Squatter," where the various gods get together to play poker. It's a good story and inspired this Omake - answering the question: What if Lucifer, Eugene, Hephaestus, Jethro, and another 'supernatural friend' gathered for a monthly poker game, all in good fun:
Lucifer was in the back room of his bar, finishing setting everything up. He went to the wall and pulled out his special supply of whiskey, whiskey his friends could drink.
One of his guests arrived and without turning around he greeted him. "Good Evening Jethro. How's the Eagle Host these days?" he asked.
"We are holding strong, trying to help when we can. Alas, the restrictions bind us from helping more," Jethro said. "I brought cookies, baked by St. Elizabeth of Hungary.
Lucifer turned around and said, "Oh, chocolate chip?"
"Close, Reese's peanut butter cup cookies."
Lucifer shook his head. St. Elizabeth of Hungary was always a good cook, so she was allowed to acquire modern ingredients. A faint horn sounded as the next guest arrived causing Lucifer to chuckle and shake his head. "Eugene. Why do you always make such a dramatic entrance?"
"Part of being a fey is being dramatic. Well...that and it makes the magic easier. Fey magic is partially enhanced by the drama."
Hephaestus arrived quietly, putting his hammer against the wall. "Did I hear someone mention St. Elizabeth of Hungary? How is she?"
Eugene turned to Hephaestus, "You know such a person?"
"Yes, I built her an oven using the old ways. She was a true artisan of baking. My domain might be more toward the building and crafting of things, but I can certainly appreciate anything that is crafted by someone who takes true joy in their work."
With a pop, the final guest arrived, Mister Mxyzptlk, who arrived as a 4 foot tall human, wearing a blue pinstriped suit, with no tie. "Hello gentlemen, and I use the term...loosely. As promised, I am wearing a suit that prevents me from using my powers."
The 5 sat at the table and began to play poker, and as with most poker games, they smoked cigars and drank wine, while eating the snacks. They all told their story of meeting Xander without actually telling his name. Then Jethro told the story about Murphy being appeased.
"He's still napping. He loves that table," said Jethro, "I fold." he said putting his hand on the table. "Of course, like most cats, he just loves napping."
"Call and raise you fifty," said Mister Mxyzptlk, throwing out a chip, "This person that you guys met sounds very interesting."
They all looked at him. He looked back at them. "I'm not stupid, so I'm not going to go looking for him. But he does sound like he'd be down for a few laughs, as long as no one was harmed."
"Call, raise you a hundred" said Lucifer, throwing his chips on the table, "I believe that if you were to actually harm anyone, he would destroy you."
"No doubt," said Eugene, "Fold."
"I would forge him a special weapon to help," said Hephaestus, "Call, raise you one fifty," he said, throwing his chips on the table.
They looked at him. Hephaestus tried to look innocent.
"Fold" said Lucifer.
"Fold" said Mister Mxyzptlk
Hephaestus gave a cheeky grin as he put his cards on the table revealing a hand that was absolutely nothing as the others groaned and he pulled the winnings to himself. Hephaestus was able to sometimes pull off the perfect bluff.
"I never permanently harm anyone. They may have a bit of emotional harm but never permanent physical harm. I'm an agent of chaos, not evil," said Mister Mxyzptlk as he dealt the next hand.
Lucifer won the next hand which was the last hand. The others slowly left, using magic to clean up after themselves. Hephaestus helped Lucifer clean up a bit more and then he left too.
Maze then walked in, "Are you going to warn Xander about Mister Mxyzptlk?"
Lucifer thought about it, "It'd probably be more appropriate to warn Mister Mxyzptlk about Xander, so Xander doesn't destroy him. He can be quite amusing."
AN: Mixy is out of Xander's league at the moment as I don't think Xander could do anything more than possibly hurt his feelings.