EDITED: January 22nd, 2023.
A big, big thank you to MadMaddy0215 for her review! I'm so glad you like Karen, she's my angry yet misunderstood kid. I also dislike the way the writers of the show built Iris' character, so while she doesn't have a lot of spotlight right now, I want to pave a new way in this story for her. Let's hope we get to that point soon.
To all readers, old and new, I hope you enjoy this chapter! Stay safe!
14 - An Overdue Apology
FOUR HOURS AGO
A pindrop could've fallen and the sound would have echoed through the warehouse. Karen didn't know if she should laugh or not, but Oliver Queen was too serious to think his proposal was a joke.
"I'm not gonna do a suicide jump," she argued.
"Even angry, he's still Barry," said Queen flatly. "He helps people. When he sees you in danger, his compassion should rear up."
"Or make him angrier," Diggle countered.
"That's where you come in."
0000•0000
PRESENT TIME
Time stood still as Karen Starr rushed to an untimely death. But would she die? She'd survived a bullet and a metal man choking her—but falling four storeys high made her think this would be it. Her healing factor couldn't beat gravity.
An arm sneaked around her waist slowly. The other went to hold her legs.
Sound rushed through her as the motorbike crashed through one of the stores, catching on fire. Barry bounced on the ground, knees bent, as he carried her.
"Are you crazy?" he shouted. "What were you thinking? You could've died!"
His voice lost the edge of anger, replaced by worry. Karen wriggled out of his arms. Barry helped her stand, clutching her forearm with too-tight fingers. She finally got a good look of him.
He was glaring at her, panting. The lower half of his uniform was full of scorch marks and a few of the needles John Diggle had laid out. Team Arrow had known it wouldn't stop him, and here was the proof. But Karen felt guilty of the pain it may have caused him.
She seized his shoulders and pushed to his knees, his hand still seizing her arm. Barry stared up at her with faint red eyes.
"It worried you? Good! Because it was meant to snap you out of whatever rage-induced fog you're stuck in. Now, hold still and let us help you!"
The Flash squirmed under her hands, almost freeing himself from her hold. A new pair of hands pushed him further down.
"Barry, you need to stop," said Queen. "I still believe in you."
"There you go again, assuming this is about you," Barry hissed. Karen reinforced her hold; he groaned.
"I'm ready," said Smoak through their earpieces.
"So am I," called Diggle.
"On the count of three." Karen glanced at Queen; the Arrow kept still. "One. Two. Three!"
The store behind Karen lit up. A show of colors played at her feet. She freed one hand and moved aside, pressing down further. Just in case Barry thought about dashing.
His bitterness faded into a slacked jaw. He loosened under her touch, slouching. Karen covered her eyes with a hand, trying to find Digle amidst the TVs, but she reeled a little. The dancing colors were too much.
They waited for a whole minute before Queen called it off. John turned the store's power off, leaving them in complete darkness.
The Arrow signaled Karen to lift her hands. Both of them took a cautios step back, watching Barry. Waiting. His stillness caused Karen's adrenaline rush to kick in harder, forcing her to shuffle.
"Barry... you okay?"
"This is going to be a special kind of hungover," came the shaky reply, mixed with laughter.
Barry tried to stand, but crumbled down to a knee. Queen went to aid him; Karen remained on her spot, hands fisted at her sides.
"Oliver, I'm so sorry."
The apology wasn't for her. Karen tried to tune him out, but her body was locked down, alert. Waiting for his upcoming attack.
The Arrow shook his head. "It's not your fault. But we do still have your meta-human to take care of. Anything left in the tank?"
Barry laughed. Karen pretended to not see the tears in his eyes.
"Well, if not, there's two of us, right?"
"Right."
He looked her way then. And Karen couldn't look at him. Rao, she couldn't even be in the same space with him without feeling like he would trample on her like Woodward had. She just couldn't.
She turned on her heel and left. Nobody stopped her.
0000•0000
Queen's warehouse was alone when she arrived. Quiet. The city sounds were faint, like white noise.
There, Karen cleaned her wounds. She rummaged through Smoak's bag and found a mirror. Then she searched Diggle's and took out his emergency kit. Queen's bag she used to rest her bare feet. Karen winced when she pushed down her jeans. More than a dozen glass fragments stuck over her legs and thighs.
Karen used Diggle's tweezers to take out piece by piece. When she was done, she cleaned the skin with antiseptic. On a whim, she took out her phone and started a video recording, aiming the lense towards her lower half.
Through the screen, she watched as her skin knitted itself. When the wounds closed, only bruises of varying colors peppered her legs. Tomorrow, the evidence would be gone.
Karen pulled her jeans up, just as Team Arrow's van parked outside.
Diggle came in alone... she thought. But then the shadow of a woman followed. Wary, Karen waited until she saw the stranger's face up close.
"Isn't this...?"
Diggle smiled at her confusion. "This is Alicia Silveira. Certified nurse."
Ms. Silveira waved at her with an awkward smile.
Karen found little to no similarity to the woman she knew from TV. That Silveira had been sharp-tongued and intimidating-looking. She had to when she publicly declared Sebastian Blood as a fraud.
The Silveira in front of her, dressed in Powerpuff Girls scrubs and twin headbuns was tiny. Yet, when Karen offered her hand, Silveira shook it with a strong grip that bellied her appearance.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Karen."
Silveira's beaming smile took Karen off guard.
"Call me Alicia. Diggle said you were injured?"
"Um." Karen crossed her arms. "I am." She glanced at her hands. Her legs had taken her a while so she had yet to get to her scraped hands and face. She hoped the latter hadn't healed; she didn't want John Diggle to become suspicious.
"Okay. Then, if you will..." Silveira looked around the vast room, swinging her emergency kit back and forth. She pointed suddenly at a crate low enough for Karen to sit and Silveira to take a good look at her.
Karen wanted to be uncomfortable. The nurse made small talk while she worked. She was tedious, asking the necessary questions. But the normalcy of it loosened Karen's muscles. The more Alicia talked, the more Karen recognized her voice.
She was the woman Oliver Queen talked with a lot at his hideout.
There was nothing special about her. The little Karen knew about her came from pieces of the news and articles on the internet. The 'Night Nurse', they called her, because she spent her free time aiding at the Glades free of charge. Then, overnight, she became a millionaire. Instead of sitting on the money, she chose to help the victims of the Undertaking. Then the Blood campaign happened, Deathstroke made his appearance, and she went silent. Karen thought she'd died.
"Do I have something on my face?" said Silveira.
She was focused on Karen's hands, having finished her face already.
"How did you got involved with Queen?"
Silveira grinned. "He isn't very good at keeping his identity a secret, is he?" Diggle cleared his throat. "I met him the same way I meet all my patients. And I started sticking around, I guess." To Karen, she sounded a lot self-deprecating for a woman the Arrow considered an ally.
Karen lowered her voice. "Well, it looks like Queen cares a deal about you to keep you in the wraps."
She meant it as a compliment. But Alicia's smile faded. Guilty, Karen bit her tongue and let her finish in silence.
"Can I go?" she asked Diggle.
"Oliver will want to talk."
"That's what phones are for."
"You're avoiding Barry."
Karen sighed, standing. "Gee, what gave it away. Of course I don't want to see Barry's face anytime soon. Preferably not out of working hours if I can help it."
"Karen—"
She raised her palm facing out. "Stop. If Oliver needs my help, tell him to call me. I don't want to be here right now." She turned to Alicia. "Thank you. It was nice to meet you."
"Be careful in the dark," said Alicia, and she sounded like she meant it.
"There's little that can hurt me these days."
"There are other ways you can get hurt," said the nurse grimly, and this she meant it too.
0000•0000
It wasn't a smart choice to walk alone in the dark, and it was stupider with the clothes she wore. Bloodied torn jeans with a loose white blouse were a walking flag that screamed come on, mug me! But Karen was hungry, tired, and a lot more sensitive than she thought. Her skin prickled at the lightest of breezes, her bones aching too. Her nose was stuffy. And her hands were so cold the fingers were becoming stiffer by the second. The blue tint was something to be concerned about. Mattie wouldn't like this if she saw her; David would yell a little and then call Mattie. Neither option worked in her favor.
For the first time in years, she dismissed calling them this night. It wasn't that she didn't want to worry them—she was too damn tired to want to do anything but sleep. Her body was shutting down, begging her for a respite—still overstrung. And so aware of her surroundings she felt a familiar crackling in the air.
Stopping to rub her arms, she waited.
The sudden whoosh of air threw her low braid over her shoulder. But Barry wasn't in sight. Frowning, she chose to keep walking, looking ahead. Her ear identified his footsteps, so light his feet didn't seem to be touching the ground.
She ignored him for most of the journey until her curiosity got the best of her. After a few minutes and a couple of blocks in the dark alley, she stopped. So did the footsteps.
"Are you planning to follow me home?" she called.
"Yeah."
"What if I don't want you to?"
"Then Oliver is going to follow you."
She looked up at the rooftops, squinting. A dark shape, almost unnoticeable, strutted along the edge. How in hell did she not hear him?
Her brow twitched. "Great." She kept walking.
"Are you okay?" Barry called out.
"Fine."
His sigh echoed in the space between them.
"I don't know what to say about today."
Karen stopped again. "You could start with 'sorry'."
"Would it work?" Barry asked hopefully.
"Not entirely. Maybe not." She kicked a stone on the ground. "No. It wouldn't. I've got nothing to forgive you for. But there's a lot of other people you've got to apologize to, so don't go wasting your time on me."
Arms crossed, she turned to look at him at last. What a pair they made in the dark. Him, dressed in his crimson suit and his cowl off, showcasing all the bruises left by the Arrow; her, wearing the clothes she stole from a woman she didn't like and her wounds closing still.
"You're not a waste of my time," said Barry.
She raised her eyebrow.
"But you're right," he relented. "I ought to apologize to Joe, to Iris, my team—"
"And Eddie. And the captain."
"Right. Them too." He licked his lips. "But I do owe you an apology. Several, actually. I acted like I have a right to you when I don't. I know... I know that our relationship didn't last long but..." He laughed bitterly. "But I can't shake you off. Every day, I want to tell you something, ask you things—like, 'what's the weirdest thing you have seen at the station' or if you're feeling okay. We were friends, Karen, and I can't tell where we went wrong. I mean, you were right—we would've worked out if we trusted each other, but we didn't. So I keep asking myself—what went wrong? What did I do wrong? And why does everything I do turn into a mistake?"
Karen desperately wished to have his super speed to avoid this conversation. But time had run out.
"Okay." She nodded to herself. "Okay. Let's have this conversation." She spotted a crater. Karen went towards it, righted it, and used it as a seat. "Let's... lay it all out." She took a deep breath. "A relationship is of two. So forget that about you making all the mistakes. I made some too. And it was me who ended this, not you, and I didn't do it properly."
Transfixed, Barry crossed his arms and waited for her to finish. When Karen noticed, she said, "What? What are you looking at me like that?"
Barry couldn't help but laugh. "It's just—this is a complete turnabout from last time."
"From the hospital?"
"No. No... what you're saying right now doesn't match what you said when you broke up with me."
Karen felt a wave of embarrassment. "I was childish. It doesn't excuse me, but I didn't even understand half the things I was saying. I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me. Kind of like you did with the, uh, eye, surgery thing."
"Did I really do that much damage?" he asked softly.
She couldn't look him in the eye. "No. It felt like that, but no—I was the one who overreacted."
Silence. Then Barry crouched before her, his eyes meeting hers directly. A gentle prompting.
"There's so much I didn't say," she whispered. "So many things I can't. I trusted the wrong people before, and I-I—"
"You assumed I would be the same." Barry twisted his hands. "I kind of get it now. This" —he gestured at his suit— "business has been teaching me things aren't always black and white." His lips pursued. "I-I'm still learning how do this hero stuff, but I get it now—I should've talked to you first before turning Dibny over."
"You did the right thing." It hurt to say. "Don't doubt that. It just happened to affect Ralph and me. Like I said before, me getting stabbed was the result of my nosiness. And Ralph—" She sighed. "Ralph wanted to protect the innocent. The choice he made wasn't a good one, but it was his. Don't let it reflect on you."
They couldn't look at each other then. It felt like an ending that neither wanted.
But Karen understood she had no place in this new life of Barry's. She could be an acquaintance, a colleague, occasionally an ally—but nothing more. It wouldn't be fair to him. Or her.
"Barry, I can give you as many speeches as you want, but the truth is this: I wasn't ready for a relationship. For any kind of relationship, let alone a romantic one. I don't think I'll ever be."
He frowned at her.
"Why does this sound like you're letting me down?"
She blinked. "Ah."
"You are!" He stood abruptly. Barry ran his hands down his face. "Ohmygod. I don't—I'm not asking you to take me back, Karen! I only want to be your friend. We can be friends, right?"
"No," she snapped.
"Why not?"
"Because you'll want to include me into 'this'." She shoved a finger at the emblem on his chest. "And I'm telling you that I'm not ready for any kind of commitment, Barry, including keeping your identity a secret or becoming your sidekick. Not that I want to."
"Aha! So you've thought about it!"
"I'm not listening to this." Karen stood, walking quickly down the rest of the alley. To her chagrin—and she realized she would have to expect this every single time—Barry caught up to her.
"I'm not—I'm not trying to pick a fight with you."
"I know!" she said, freaking out a little. "But I've told you before—I want nothing to do with metahumans."
"Oh, but you helped Eddie draft a metahumans' rights paper."
"Barry, come on, you know it was necessary!" Karen massaged her temples. "My Rao, how did we go from talking about our trust issues to Eddie?"
Even Barry seemed mortified. "I don't know."
"You know, this is exactly what you used to do before. You nitpicked everything I did." She mimicked his voice. "'Karen, you should wear a coat'; 'Karen, you ought to start taking care of your working space, it kind of looks like a pig sty'; 'Karen, I don't think you should be doing that'! "
Barry put his hands on his waist. "Are you mocking me now?"
"Ha!" She pointed at him now. "Not cool, right?"
"Well, what about you? 'Barry, don't post this, the US government monitors your online activity'; 'Barry, don't let Ramirez know about us, he's going to tell everyone'; 'Barry, let's go to Luna's Café, no cops go there'—you wanted to hide our relationship from everyone! You were so paranoid I couldn't even mention your name to my friends."
"Oh, you mean Iris?"
"Nope. No. Don't go there."
"Ooh, I'm totally going there. I didn't want our co-workers to know about use because it would've been unprofessional. Ramirez is a blabbermouth." Not to mention that any clue of her in social media would've been a final nail in her imaginary coffin. "Joe West and David knew about us from the get-go. And Mattie too. But not Iris. She didn't even know who I was when we first met!"
"I didn't have the chance to tell her."
"MySpace existed, Barry! So do cellphones."
"Oh my god!" He ran his hands down his face. Barry started chuckling. "We're doing it again. We're arguing. That's-that's good, right?"
Karen rolled her eyes heavenward.
"Yes. We're talking. We're arguing. We're 'airing' our grievances. And we're way off our original conversation, so let's shorten it to 'I'm sorry I screwed things up, I forgive you for screwing them too, and in the name of whatever deity you pray to, don't you dare involve me in your heroics anymore'." She snapped her head to the roof. "That goes for you too!"
She turned on her heel—and turned back to threaten, "Don't follow me."
Barry donned his cowl. "Okay."
"I mean it."
"I get it."
But something nagged at her, so she turned back again and said, "Barry, you did not get eye surgery because of me, right?"
"No," he said, flushing. She waited. "Joe used you as an excuse to motivate me to get one. He nagged me for years, so, he thought me getting into the dating pool would be the perfect reason to finally fix my eyes."
"So, nothing to do with me?"
He shook his head. Relieved, she nodded and continued her way, ignoring the men shadowing her.