"All right, people, we are back!"
Mr. Schue had taken extra time writing 'WELCOME BACK!' on the board. He was clearly relishing being back in charge of the group. They hadn't had a meeting in the choir room in months, as all their time since the beginning of school had been focused on the musical. Now that the stage had been struck, they had returned to their usual meeting place just in time to re-work some of the songs from 'Grease' for Sectionals.
"First of all, big props to Artie for all his hard work to make this musical happen," he went on. "Two sold out performances meant you all raised a lot of money, which will help us cover the expenses for our next competition. But we can't get complacent. This team will go all the way this year, I believe that you will, and to make sure we have enough money to cover everything that comes with that, we need to keep the fundraising efforts going."
"Regionals is in Indianapolis this year," Blaine added, reporting what he'd probably learned on the show choir blogs that Rachel always followed last year. "It's the Paris of Indiana."
"Are we already talking about Regionals when we haven't even been to Sectionals yet?" Marley asked, incredulous.
"Please, girl, we have that in the bag," Unique commented, crossing his legs.
His legs? Her legs? Artie didn't know what they were supposed to think, in terms of gender, for one Wade 'Unique' Adams. Wade no longer came to school in polo shirts and jeans. Because Wade was no longer going by Wade. It was now Unique, all day, every day. Unique wore long, flowing ladies' blouses over leggings. Artie honestly didn't know how Wade/Unique got away with it in a place like McKinley. But, as Unique had pointed out, this now gave them an even number of girls and guys in Glee club.
"It's good to plan ahead," Mr. Schue was saying. "That's my point. We need to go ahead and be thinking past Sectionals, making plans for how we're going to pay for our trip to Regionals..."
"I propose a bake sale," Brittany said, as Artie fixed her with a look that said: Seriously? "What? I mean it worked last time."
"Well, that's because my brother spiked the cupcakes with Mary Jane, didn't he?" Jake spoke up. He was fresh off his suspension, and by now, everyone in the club knew he'd been suspended for doing the very same thing his brother had done. It appeared that he no longer cared who knew about it.
"I'd be willing to cut off my hair to sell it for extra cash," Joe said. Where was this suggestion before my show? Artie couldn't help but wonder.
"To who?" Kitty asked, turning around in her chair to fix Joe with a wide-eyed expression. "Jamaican kids with Rastafarian cancer? Or as rigging on a haunted pirate ship?"
Artie was the first to stifle a laugh at Kitty's crazy insults, that seemed to just come flying out of her mouth all the time.
They'd yet to talk about the kiss, even though he'd told Quinn they would talk. He just couldn't figure out a way to lead into that conversation. So, Kitty, about that time you kissed me in my car? Was he just going to say that in the middle of lunch? Or during glee club? The fact was, the opportunity to be alone with her was even harder to come by, now that the musical was over.
Tina suddenly snapped her fingers and jumped to her feet. "I know exactly how we're gonna raise some money, she said, crossing her arms, smugly. "The Guys of Glee Calendar. I mean, let's face it, this is the cutest crop of Glee boys we've ever had."
"And it's November, so it's the perfect time to print them and sell them before the new year begins," Marley added, nodding enthusiastically as she began to understand the inspiration behind Tina's big idea.
"There are six guys, so each one can take two months," Tina went on. It seemed like she wasn't counting Wade in this at all. Unique nodded along in agreement. Tina turned to fix her eyes on Blaine next. "I think Blaine should definitely be December. You can do a Santa thing but sexy. Sexy Claus."
"I'm in as long as I can take my shirt off," Sam said, running his hands together with excitement. Artie couldn't help but think back to Sam's days as White Chocolate and cringe. And he was cringing for another reason, too...
"Why does it have to be just the men?" Artie wanted to know, raising a timid hand. "Why can't we objectify the girls, too?"
"'Cause girls are the ones that buy stuff," Tina reasoned. "We're responsible for the consumer- driven economy."
"Yeah, those 'Twilight' books are poop on paper, and we've turned them into a billion-dollar industry," Kitty added, nodding importantly.
"Team Jacob," Marley said, barely above a whisper.
"This could actually work," Mr. Schuester said, as Artie fixed him with a most appalled expression, wondering how their teacher could ever support such an idea. "Tina you're in charge of the 'Guys of Glee' calendar. You can set up the photo shoot."
They were out of time that day, so they dismissed with the plan to dedicate their next few rehearsals to taking campy, shirtless photos of the guys to sell for money. Artie felt like he was gonna be sick. But he couldn't knock down his best friend's idea, not when she was leaving amid praise and comments like: "Good job, Tina!" Stuff she rarely heard, seeing as she so seldom was the one with the idea.
Sam and Blaine were already huddled together talking about it, as Artie lagged behind them, still in his head about this one.
"Look, if you choose to be jealous of my hard-core rockin' bod, that's on you," Sam was saying.
"Uh, for the record," Tina interrupted, stepping between them and tossing her hair over her shoulder. "Blaine has an awesome body and a perky and delicious behind that looks like it got baked to perfection by some sort of master chef."
"Uh... thanks, Tina."
Sam wasn't done challenging his friend. "Put down the Hatorade and come to my seminar tomorrow," he said. "Everyone's invited."
"Your seminar?" Artie echoed, knowing he was going to be sorry he even asked.
"Yeah, for the Guys of Glee calendar," Sam continued. "It's a one-hour course. Techniques that Work for Today's Hot Young Posers. No chicks."
"Downward dog. Into the half pigeon. Feel it in the buttocks right there. And now back into the lotus position. And now relax."
Artie had reluctantly joined them in the guys' locker-room the next day, but he wasn't sure why he'd bothered to show up. It wasn't like he could copy much, if any, of Sam's weird, made-up poses.
"Why are we doing this again?" he asked Sam.
"It's Bro-ga yoga for bros," Sam explained, as if it were obvious. "All about getting in the best possible shape for the calendar."
Artie looked around and sighed. He was the oldest one there, so why did he look more like one of the youngest? He wasn't even dressed like them. He'd gone with sweats, to hide as much of himself as humanly possible, and the rest were in shorts and muscle tops.
"Well, not everyone in here looks like they're on the CW," he said, gesturing at the male models to his right and left. "Some of us are more PBS."
He wasn't staying for any more of this. Especially not when Sam began started talking about things like manscaping or using socks to enhance one's package for the camera. When no one was paying attention to him, he turned and left.
Where was Kurt when you needed him? As Artie wheeled down the empty hall, he thought about how much missed having the other small-ish guy in Glee around. Now that Kurt didn't have a reason to come to school, Artie was fairly sure he'd have to go to the garage or the Lima Bean to find his friend. The same was true for Finn. Artie wondered if Finn would have been down with this, had the idea happened when he was a student. Afterall, Santana had once rudely pointed out, in front of everyone, that Finn had "puffy pyramid nipples" and that "if you dusted them with powdered sugar they'd look like some kind of dessert."
"Artie?" His disappearing act hadn't been so smooth afterall. Someone had noticed he'd gone missing and had followed him out. "Hey. You okay? Why are you cutting out early?"
He sighed and turned to face the other guy. "Blaine, look, I'm not sure I want to pose for the calendar. My body is sort of... broken. And I'm not really eager to start showing it off."
Artie hadn't known Blaine as long as he'd known others, like Finn for example. But the former Warbler had earned a certain amount of his trust, especially after the long hours of rehearsal they'd spent together over the past couple of months. He felt like he could say this to Blaine in private. Blaine wouldn't go telling everyone in the club how insecure Artie truly felt about his body.
"Sam's getting carried away in there," Blaine commented, shaking his head as he cast a disgusted look over his shoulder at the locker-room door. "But, Artie, you look good, dude. Your build is similar to Kurt. Kurt's not exactly a body-builder but he's still my type."
Artie stubbornly shook his head. He appreciated what Blaine was trying to do, he did, but it just wasn't working. There was a certain elephant in the room they weren't addressing. "It's not just girls who have body issues," Artie explained. "Sometimes guys aren't cool with showing off their bodies, either."
"Then don't." Blaine thankfully didn't press the issue, after Artie's confession about his true feelings. "You know what? That's actually really brave of you, saying no. And I think it's totally cool that there's a part of yourself you want to keep private."
Artie smiled, feeling a little relieved to have at least one person on his side. But he didn't know how he was going to tell the others that he couldn't bear to be a part of this.
"I wanted to talk to you about the concepts for your pictures," Tina said, the very next day as they gathered in the choir room. She'd been drawing something in a sketch book all week. Now, it looked like she was ready to reveal her big plans to them. All the girls stood at the front while the guys remained seated, waiting to hear what months they'd been assigned to.
He'd tried talking to Tina about it privately once earlier that day, thinking he could at least confide in his supposed best friend about his feelings towards the project and get an understanding response. Trouble was, she was already playing the director role herself, which meant she didn't want anything or anyone to get in the way of her vision.
"Artie, don't be silly," she'd said, after he had decided to go ahead and fess up to her privately right after lunch. "You look fine without a shirt on. I've seen you in your pool all the time, remember? Kitty and I already have plans for your photo shoot."
"You and Kitty?" Artie blinked several times. "Hold up, you and Kitty made plans about what kind of pictures to take of me?"
"You and everyone else," Tina had clarified, rolling her eyes as she returned her tray and then took his from him to return it, since it was slightly out of his reach. "Kitty's a creative person. She's got some cool ideas. Seriously, is the problem the fact that it's someone else's idea and not yours?"
"No, it's not," Artie said, coolly. He'd looked around, before adding the next part. "I don't have abs like Mike. As a paraplegic, I have a stubborn little roll of pudge around my stomach that won't go away, no matter how many crunches I do. My legs are twigs. As Sugar once pointed out to me, they're thinner than her arms."
That got her to soften, just a tad, but she still didn't want to give it up. "It won't be 'Guys of Glee' without you, Artie," she said, sadly. "You've been here longer than any of the others. Can we-can we compromise a little?"
And he'd folded his arms stubbornly across his chest. "Compromise how?"
"Just let us take some pictures of you," she pleaded. "We can be creative. Use angles to hide what you don't like about your body. Come up with poses that don't have to involve your chair. And... and if you still hate it, well, maybe we can convince Unique to bring Wade back to fill the other two spots, just for this..."
Artie didn't see that happening for a second. Unique was just as uncomfortable and unhappy putting Wade and Wade's body on display as Artie was with showcasing his own. He supposed, however, that he could live with the compromise that he would get to see and approve any pictures before they ever saw the light of day...
"Artie, you're July and November," Kitty was saying now, as they addressed the group. "Tina and I've got it all figured it."
Jake, you're going to be June and October," Tina went on. "June is a beach theme, and for October you're just gonna be holding a Jake-o'-lantern over your..."
"O-kay, I think we get it, Artie said, cutting Tina off before she could finish. If the tables were turned, there was no way the guys could get away with saying this kind of stuff to the girls. Not to mention, Tina was a couple years older than Jake. Not okay. Jake just shifted uncomfortably in his seat for a second but said nothing.
Ryder was getting May and August, Sam was going to tackle March and September, Blaine would be January and December, and Joe had February and April. The girls had a vision for every guy and every month, which they explained in great detail, though Tina censured herself a little after Artie's outburst. The other guys, instead of being offended by these bizarre descriptions of deeply emasculating imagery, actually seemed like they were excited about this.
With six girls and six guys, plus six cameras on loan from the school's photography teacher, they explained that each guy was going to be assigned one girl to work with. This was to save time and accomplish their task of getting several photos in a very short amount of time.
"So, here are the pairings," Tina announced, as Artie wondered if there was any other way she could have phrased that. "Jake, you'll be with Marley. Joe, you'll be with Sugar. Ryder, you'll be with Unique. Sam, you'll be with Brittany, aaand Blainey-days, you'll be with me."
"Oh, cool, I'm off the hook then," Artie blurted out, unlocking his breaks as though he were gonna leave.
"Tap the breaks, buddy," Kitty said, getting in his way. She was back to being her outwardly confident self again, like she hadn't just kissed him and acted weird about it the next day. "You're with me."
"In the spirit of Glee club, it's going to be a competition, too!" Marley added, as Jake smirked and nodded in agreement, as though sure he had this in the bag. "We'll ask some impartial judges to vote on the best picture."
Great, Artie thought, miserably. In his mind, it was already a competition long before Marley's announcement. One he had always and would always lose.
...
They were doing July first, and Kitty's idea was honestly a good one. She'd shyly told him that she'd thought of it all herself on the way to their location, the school pool. They made minimal conversation on the way. If she was going to be taking a bunch of "sexy" pictures of him, he didn't feel ready to talk about that random kiss that came out of nowhere. When they got there, she presented him with his "costume."
"Tina guessed a small," she said, holding up a little pair of shorts with the American flag printed on them, so that one leg was stars and the other stripes. She produced a white tank top as well. "She also got you this, in case you really hate the idea of being shirtless."
Holding up the outfit, she turned bright red, suddenly uncharacteristically shy for someone normally so confident in front of others. Perhaps she, too, was thinking of their kiss again.
"Good guess on the size," muttered Artie, feeling himself blushing as well as he took the "costume" from her. "Well, uh, I'm going to go to the guy's locker-room and change then. I'll be right back."
"I'll just be setting up while you're gone and work on getting the right lighting," Kitty said, turning her attention to climbing onto the lifeguard stand where she was going to be taking aerial photos of him. He'd be stretched out on a raft, with no wheelchair in sight.
He was relieved to find the locker-room empty that day, so that he could wrestle his legs into tiny shorts privately. He did also put on the tank top. At least Tina had given him options. After he'd taken care of his wardrobe, he used the gel that Blaine had loaned him to spike his hair into a different style. Luckily, he'd just gotten it cut right before the show, so it wasn't swooping across his forehead. When he surveyed his appearance, at least from the waist-up in the bathroom mirror, he felt vaguely satisfied by what he saw.
"Here's your prop!" Tina walked into the pool area with Blaine, carrying long, clear raft for Artie just as he emerged in his costume. "See? I got clear so it would create an effect of you floating on the water. How do you like your outfit, Artie?"
Artie looked down at his twiggy legs and then back up at her. "Yeah. Great," he lied. "Thanks for the gel, Blaine."
"Anytime you want gel, I'm your guy," Blaine said. He was clad in what looked like Santa Claus pants made into shorts, no shirt (of course), heavy black boots and a Santa bag full of boxes tossed over his shoulder. "Tina got an artificial Christmas tree and we're off to set it up in the choir room. Maybe we'll just leave it there until Christmas."
"Finn and Rachel would be so appalled that you didn't get a real tree," Artie commented. It made no sense, since Rachel was Jewish, but those two were the ones to start that particular tradition. "Hey, Blaine, could you stay a second and help me get on that raft?"
The thing was flimsy and cheap, and Artie didn't anticipate being able to get on without messing up his gelled coif in the process. Blaine obliged, waiting patiently for Artie to lower himself to the ground and then helped steady the raft on the pavement as Artie eased his body onto it. After that, he carefully set him off into the water.
"Just like the little Baby Moses," Kitty commented, as three heads – Artie's, Tina's, and Blaine's – turned quizzically in Kitty's direction. Tina and Blaine then looked at Artie, as though checking in about the appropriateness of that joke. Artie, however, was cracking up at her humor. He knew she could be mean in a funny way, but 'til now, he hadn't been her target.
"So, Artie, Kitty, you're good?" Tina checked in, reminding them all that she was in charge of the photoshoot. "If you need anything, feel free to text me. Did you remember how to set up the camera for indoors?"
"I've got it," Kitty said, patiently. "Photography's my other elective this year. Not gonna be a problem. He's in good hands."
Artie felt weird listening to this conversation about himself while he was presently trying to be as still and balanced as he could on the raft, so as not to inadvertently tip it over and ruin his hair. Tina had found the cheapest one she could get, it seemed, and he was used to something sturdier.
At last, Tina and Blaine left again, leaving him with Kitty and stuck immobilized on a raft. He felt weirdly vulnerable, since he wasn't swimming nor was in his chair. He wasn't in charge of his body, plus he had a girl hovering over him. He was having weird flashbacks to Brittany, putting him on her bed and... stop, stop!
"You okay?" Kitty tilted her head to the side.
"Yeah, it's just..." How do I explain how weird this situation is? "Um, I'm just not sure I can stay balanced for very long. Maybe you should hurry up and take the picture before I fall in."
"One of your legs is kind of falling into the water now..." Kitty pointed out, kneeling next to the side of the pool. "Mind if I...?"
"No, go ahead," Artie told her. "While you're at it, cross my ankles, one atop the other. It'll look more natural, you know?"
"Good idea."
As she went to adjust his feet, however, he couldn't resist being a little mean to her, in return for that Baby Moses comment. "Ow! Ow!"
She jumped back in surprise and horror. "What? What? Did I hurt you?"
Now he laughed again, this time at his own prank. It took her a minute to catch up, because he'd startled her pretty well. "Oh, right," she said, shaking her head at herself as she straightened up and stepped back a pace or two. "You can't feel anything below the waist, I forgot."
"That's a misconception," Artie said then, as she looked at him, quizzically, like possibly he was still pranking her. "I mean, no, not in the traditional sense. But certain sensations – like if I really need to go to the bathroom, for example – tend to migrate north, kind of alerting me to the problem."
"Way more than you needed to explain," she said, hands on her hips and smirking.
"Well, you know, I explain myself," Artie heard him saying, with a boldness and confidence that most certainly belonged to someone else. "Unlike some people who just do things and don't explain."
She just smirked. She knew what he was talking about. Not mentioning the kiss directly was almost turning into a game.
"I'm taking the picture before you fall in," she said. "Or before you say something dumb and I have to push you in." Without waiting for a response, she retrieved the camera and climbed up on the lifeguard stand. Artie paddled with his hands to spin his float around so that he was facing the right direction.
"Give me sexy liberty! Give me sexy freedom!" Kitty exclaimed, clicking away at her camera as Artie, who was trying to focus his energy on sucking in his pudge and hoping the shirt hid it well enough, couldn't help but laugh.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Making you laugh!" she said, stopping to grin down at him.
"Hold up a minute," he said, after he'd stopped snickering at the last thing she said. He'd been thinking about the other guys' pictures, and even though he couldn't stand comparing himself to them, there was one more comparison he couldn't help but consider. Maybe he'd be the only one wearing a shirt. He carefully took his off, trying to still maintain balance on the skinny raft. He tossed it off and it ended up in the pool.
"Oh? Taking it all off for the camera?" Kitty asked, pausing for a minute to... was she staring? And not for the usual reason? Artie thought maybe his eyes were playing tricks on him. And, speaking of which, he removed his glasses.
"Yeah, here, can you come get these?" he asked, holding them out. "I can't risk tossing those into the pool."
"Okay, sure," she said, setting aside the camera again and hopping down with ease. "No shirt, no glasses, what's the deal?"
"Just... trying to conform a little," he said. "But if I don't like them, you have to delete the pictures. Can I trust you?"
She hesitated. "Yeah. You can." She picked up her camera again. "Give me... 'I want you' sexy!"
Within five minutes, she had all the shots she needed. He happily tumbled off the raft and swam a few laps while she packed up. He wanted to see the pictures, but at the same time, he didn't want to look at them with her standing right there. It still felt very private. As they agreed, she was going to have to delete anything he didn't like. He wondered if he'd trusted her too much, when he agreed to this compromise.
Artie's best ideas tended to come to him when he was either swimming or driving. Suddenly, he knew what he wanted his Mr. November picture to look like. The girls had some campy image of him holding a cooked turkey, dressed as a "sexy pilgrim" in mind. (How was a pilgrim supposed to be sexy anyway?)
But his idea was gonna be better.
"That was fun," she said, as he climbed back into his chair and began drying himself off. She handed him his glasses back.
"Unexpectedly fun," he agreed, replacing his frames on his nose. "I didn't hate it. Email me those pictures tonight, and I'll review them and give you my notes tomorrow."
"Your notes?" Kitty smirked down at him. "You're not the director this time, you know."
"No, I know," Artie conceded. "But, I do want to have a say. I think you owe me that, since I'm being such a good sport. Speaking of which, I have a different idea for Mr. November that I'd like to pitch. I even have the costume."
"Oh, really? Pitch away."
As he described his plan in detail, he could tell that they were, once again, not going to discuss this kiss. And why should they? Artie kind of liked living on the edge with Kitty Wilde.