Sanative Actions

Colourful string moved slowly as Harry tied it into knots. He was making a way for Teddy to call his attention without having to walk all the way up to him and poke him. The matching bracelets would let Teddy poke him at will through the bracelets. He was weaving it into their security bracelets so they didn't have to add another bracelet to the mess they already carried. That still meant Teddy had the chance to pick a colour again. They would have a blue and purple one now.

"Teddy, will you come here so I can finish this?" Harry said. He heald his hands out towards his son.

Teddy got up and sat down next to Harry. He smiled as the bracelet was placed on his arm before Harry connected the spells to his magic. He looked up at Harry. "Thank you," he said. He was glad that Harry was learning how to read lips really quickly.

"No problem, kiddo," Harry said. He was still having some issues with his own voice, but he was slowly getting used to hearing his breathing at all times. He guessed he would learn to filter it out eventually. "There, how about you try it out," he said. He felt a warm nudge as Teddy activated his bracelet. He smiled. "That's good," he said. "Now you'll be able to catch my attention if you need it."

Teddy nodded. "Okay. Thank you, dad," he said. He hugged Harry.

Andromeda smiled at them. She knew Harry would make her one as well. That was good because she kept forgetting that he couldn't hear her, and so far that just meant he felt bad about it. She was never angry with him, but they had taken a step back in his confidence. It would take them some time to get him back to his normal self.

Harry walked into the kitchen a short while later and replaced Andromeda's bracelet with the new version. "There you go. I have made sure the two of you feel different, so I'll know who wants to speak to me," he said.

Andromeda turned towards him. "Thank you, Harry," she said as she signed. "It looks really nice. You are getting good at making them."

Harry smiled at her. "I guess," he said as he signed. He knew they needed to be doing it more. He had to get used to sign while he spoke, even if the signing was for his benefit. He headed out that evening. It was the first time he left Ferngale since getting home. It was so strange walking outside. Cars didn't make any noise. Birds didn't sing. He made his way down towards the river slowly. He felt uncomfortable in his own body. Nothing added up for him any more. He missed Teddy's voice. He hated how insecure he felt. He found his way to the bench where Lucas would normally sit at and sat down.

The water ran by and a family of ducks headed along together. He smiled softly at them. Then suddenly his view went from cute ducks to a very pissed off Lucas, whose mouth was moving so fast there was no way Harry could tell what he was saying. All he could tell was that Lucas was angry.

"Lucas." Harry tried to get his boyfriend to listen to him for half a second. He sighed and closed his eyes. He was trying to keep up, but he couldn't so he was just getting a headache. When he opened his eyes again, Lucas was staring at him. "I was in an accident while we were in Florida," he said calmly. "I've spent the past two weeks recovering. I can no longer hear. So I have no idea what you have been saying. I understand that you are angry, but I have had other things to worry about. Like how to even communicate with people now. If you speak slowly enough. I will probably be able to read your lips, but there is no way I can keep up if you go on another rant."

Lucas's fists clenched. "Oh, no. No, I'm not staying with some kind of freak," he said. "You are disgusting." He stormed off.

Harry stared after him. Had that just happened? He leaned forward slowly and buried his face in his hands. Tears were flowing down his face and he didn't know what to do. What to think.

Eventually he got back up and headed home. He collapsed into bed and curled up. Maybe that was it. Maybe it was time to just give up. He wasn't going to meet anyone.

Andromeda woke up in the middle of the night. At first, she didn't know why until one of the house wards alerted her. She got up and wrapped a robe around herself before heading over to Harry's room. He was muttering to himself. Most of it was too soft for her to hear, but she could clearly hear the words freak and unwanted in there. She sighed as she sat down next to him. He needed his mind healer.

A soft hand ran through Harry's thick black locks slowly. It would be harder to wake him now that he couldn't hear. She grabbed his wrist and held it with both hands. Harry wasn't prone to self harm, but he wasn't in control when he was dreaming, so she worried about that. It hadn't been this bad since his imprisonment.

Green eyes opened slowly, blinking away tears. Harry turned to face Andromeda. "Andy," he said softly.

Andromeda sighed. 'I'll call Tatiana. You need time with her,' she signed slowly.

Harry nodded slowly. "I know," he said. "Thank you."

'You and Teddy are my family. I care about your wellbeing, Harry,' Andromeda signed. She squeezed his hands before getting up. "Try to sleep some more."

Harry looked after her as she left. He hated this. Hated how weak he felt. How uncertain he was. It felt like they had lost years of progress. Seeing Tatiana was probably a good idea.

…

"I believe you are a bit too pessimistic, Harry. Yes, you have received a setback, and you are more vulnerable, but you certainly haven't lost all the progress you have gained over the years. You will have your good days and your bad days. That's normal," Tatiana said. She had brought one of the speech to text screen with her, so Harry could read what she was saying. He was glancing at it, but mostly he seemed focused on her. That in itself told her that he was adapting already, even if he found it hard.

"I guess you are right," Harry said softly. "It… it is getting easier with certain things at least."

"Now I'm not saying everything is going to be perfect," Tatiana said. "There are probably going to be things that will always bother you. There will be places and things that will be okay sometimes, but not other times. There is no black and white for this."

Harry pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around them. He knew he wasn't just going to give up. "I guess I should keep to safe environments for a bit," he said.

"That might be wise, but don't isolate. Do you have friends you feel safe telling to begin with?" Tatiana asked. "You need more than just Andromeda and Teddy because as much as they love you, they are adapting too, and they need time away from you to rest, at least in the beginning."

Harry nodded. He would be contacting Neville. Out of all the people he knew, he felt Neville would be the safest one to ask for help with this. "Thank you, Tatiana," he said. He felt better, more focused. There was some kind of plan and goals he could work towards. He escorted Tatiana to the door and took her hand, grateful for her help.

Once Tatiana had left, Harry headed over to the kitchen. He found parchment and a quill so he could write to Neville. Hopefully, he would be okay with meeting up soon.

…

School started back up for Teddy. He sat down in his seat slowly and watched his teacher as she spoke. He didn't really care what she was saying. It felt strange to be back in school. Everything was so normal there, and he wasn't sure he liked it.

"Mr Black. Mr Black."

David poked Teddy. He wondered what was going on. His friend wasn't usually this distracted.

Teddy blinked and looked up at Miss Stanley. "I'm sorry, ma'am," he said and signed.

"Is something the matter, Teddy?" Miss Stanley asked.

Teddy looked at the class. He wasn't sure he necessarily wanted everyone to know. Then he sighed again. It was easier just to say it. "During the holidays, dad and I were caught in an explosion. He lost his hearing," he said as he signed.

Miss Stanley looked horrified. "Oh, Mr Black, are you okay?" she asked.

Teddy nodded slowly. He wrapped his arms around himself. Maybe his dad could get him someone to talk to, like Miss Tatiana. He tried to listen to Miss Stanley. At least now, she didn't get as annoyed when he drifted.

Harry walked into the school that afternoon. He walked up to his son and wrapped an arm around him. "Hey cub," he said. "How has today been?" he smiled softly as Teddy looked up at him with tired eyes.

"I wanna go home sleep," Teddy mouthed. He didn't bother verbalizing.

"Okay," Harry said. He helped his son with his things and they headed out. Teddy pushed away from his father when they got home and headed into his room. He closed the door behind him and collapsed in his bed.

When Andromeda got home that evening, she found food on the table, but neither Harry nor Teddy was there. She walked over towards the bedrooms and saw Harry sitting on the floor next to Teddy's door. His head was buried in his arms. She reached him and touched his hair. He looked up at her with shining green eyes filled with unshed tears. 'Have you been fighting,' she signed.

Harry shook his head. 'He doesn't want to talk to me,' he signed back. 'I'm heading to Blackbird. Maybe he'll come out and eat if I'm not around.' He got up and wrapped his arms around himself. Sadness clung to his shoulders. Today was a bad day. He couldn't be a father to his own son. He teleported and collapsed against the front door as the tears finally started running down his face.

Andromeda looked at the spot Harry had disappeared from for a while before she opened Teddy's door. She walked inside and sat down next to Teddy. "Hey Teddy," she said softly. "How has today been?"

Teddy shook his head. He didn't want to talk. He felt exhausted, but he couldn't fall asleep. He lay there staring at the wall until his mind finally just shut down.

Andromeda sighed as she put the food away. She sat down in the living room. Their little family was broken, and her heart ached for her boys. There was no fixing this, all they could do was adapt.

…

Teddy walked into the kitchen to find his grandmother the next morning. "Where is dad?" he asked.

"He went to Blackbird," Andromeda said. She saw the sadness in Teddy's eyes. It hurt to push him away so he could attend his classes that day. Part of her wondered if it wouldn't be better to keep him home. Harry didn't come back that day, and Andromeda quickly decided that if he hadn't shown up by the following day, she would go looking for him.

Harry returned home calmer. He had never made it into his own house. He had wandered the grounds until he collapsed. He walked over to the fridge and opened it up. He reached in for the dish of lasagne he had made two days ago and brought it out with shaking hands. It was untouched. He couldn't, he couldn't even do that right. His family wouldn't eat the food he made. What was the point of him? The dish in his hands exploded, and Harry quickly reigned his magic in as pain flared through him. He headed back to Blackbird and stumbled into his studio before collapsing.

Less than half an hour later, Andromeda made it home with Teddy. He walked into the kitchen so he could have a snack. "Grandma, there is stuff all over the floor," he said.

"What are you…?" Andromeda froze as she saw the mess. Then she closed her eyes. Harry must have come home. "Teddy, come here," she said. She needed help. Someone had to find Harry. She wrapped her arms around her grandson before apparating to the Longbottom Townhouse.

A sharp knock sounded through the house and Neville headed downstairs. He opened the door. "Madam Tonks," he said surprised before smiling at Teddy. Then he noticed how upset they looked. "What is going on?" he asked as he showed them inside.

"Could you go to Blackbird and look for Harry?" Andromeda asked. She paused for a moment. "He might not be in the best frame of mind."

Neville nodded. He let Hannah know they had guests, and he needed to leave before heading out. He landed by the house and walked inside. He knew calling was useless. He had been in contact with Harry, they just hadn't managed to meet yet, and he regretted that now. He went from room to room, finding them empty.

The door to the studio swung open slowly and Neville stepped inside. He walked up to Harry slowly. The relief of finding him quickly turned to horror as he realised that the red paint Harry was spreading over the canvas before him wasn't paint at all. Neville sent a patronus to Andromeda. Hopefully she could get them a Healer. He pulled Harry away from the canvas and pushed him down on the floor. Harry wasn't fighting him.

Neville's magic flowed out around him. "Respond," he said. He grabbed Harry's head and turned his face towards him. "Release your magic," he said slowly. He heard steps running towards them as Andromeda showed up with Healer Glint. He moved, so the healer would have space to work, but he didn't let go of Harry.

"He is suppressing his magic," Glint said.

"Leave that to me," Neville said. He watched as Glint tore Harry's shirt open and saw all the glass splinters buried in his chest.

"He is going into shock," Glint said. "Andromeda, can you vanish the glass?"

Andromeda drew her wand and pointed it at Harry. She cast the spell several times before lowering her wand again.

Glint sent a wave of healing magic through him, and he gasped and jerked against Neville's hold. He blinked several times before meeting Neville's calm gaze.

"Release your magic," Neville said calmly.

"Hurt," Harry wheezed out.

Neville shook his head. "I'll make sure you don't," he said. "Let go."

Harry moved his hand up. He froze as he saw the blood staining his fingers. Andromeda sat down next to him and cleaned his hand off. He smiled gratefully at her before clutch on to Neville. His magic flowed out, and Neville reached for it and calmed the storm.

Glint sat back and sighed. She hadn't realised it would get this bad. He had shown no signs of being this destructive to himself before. "I'll book another time with Tatiana," she said. "He should get back to Ferngale for now."

Andromeda nodded. "We will get him there," she said. She looked down at Harry, and he returned her gaze. "Why?" she asked.

"Insecurity, uncertainty, self-hatred. Inadequacy," Harry said as Neville helped him sit up. "I can tell that the people around me are hurting and while it might not be my fault… that is easier to understand that it is to accept emotionally. When Teddy didn't want to speak to me, I felt inadequate. When I returned home to find that the food I had forced myself to make, so everyone could have something to eat, hadn't been touch, I felt useless. Pointless, if I can't take care of the people I love, then what's the reason for me to exist."

"Time to leave Andromeda," Neville said. "You don't need to hear the rest of what he needs to get off his chest." She was about to argue, but the look Lord Longbottom gave her and the pulse of his magic stopped him. "Bring him home once he is done," she said.

"I'll even make sure he cleans off and change clothes," Neville said. He pulled Harry up and tapped his shoulder. "Let go," he said. "I'll listen."

"I hate myself," Harry said. "I hate that my fucking magic works to protect me. I wish the fucking Dursleys would pay for what they did to me. The ripped my self-confidence to shreds, they and that bloody arse Dumbledore turned me into a blood martyr. When I finally have control over my own life and can do as I please, it is ripped away from me. Now my son won't even look at me." He backed away until he hit the wall behind him and slid down against it.

"I can't keep a partner. They cheat or leave. What is wrong with me? I've been called a freak, a monster, a liar, a thief. I died so that Voldemort could be defeated, yet I cannot use my birth name because of how deep in the mud it has been dragged. If people make the connection between me and who I was, will they treat my son the same? Would he be better off without me?"

Neville stood there watching the breakdown and listening to the things Harry was saying. This was about so much more than his lack of hearing at this point. There was too much to unpack, but that wasn't really Neville's job. Harry's mind-healer should do that. Harry looked up at him. "Fight me," Neville said.

"I don't want to hurt you," Harry said.

Neville took a deep breath and lashed out towards Harry. He knew how to fight, and he knew he would have to prove it. It took a few attacks before Harry was up on his feet and returning fire. Spells and magical flares passed between them until Harry struck Neville down. He held his hand out to his fellow mage and Neville took it.

"I knew you would beat me," Neville said slowly, so Harry could read his lips. "You have always been a better fighter than me."

"You sell yourself short. You always have," Harry said. He knew he had a long road to walk, but he couldn't hide from it. He had messed up, and he had internalised instead of talking to someone. He looked back at Neville.

"Let's meet twice a week for a bit," Neville said. "I think you need an outlet you don't have right now. Let me help with that."

Harry nodded slowly. "Okay," he said. He smiled at Neville. "Thank you," he said.

Neville shook his head and sighed. "Now clean up and get other clothes. Your son is probably beside himself with worry," he said. "I will force you if I have to."

Harry was laughing as he headed over to his room and got some clean clothes. He found Neville in the kitchen once he was done. "Let's go," he said. He took Neville's hand, and they teleported over to Ferngale. Harry had barely stepped foot in the house before he had his arms full. He hugged Teddy close as he walked into the living room.

'Better?' Andromeda signed.

Harry nodded. 'Better, not good,' he signed back.

Andromeda smiled at him. She knew what he meant.

Harry sat down with Teddy, and the two of them sat there signing slowly to each other while Andromeda spoke to Neville and Hannah.

It looked like things would get better. In time… eventually.

…

Harry stood by the front door to Ferngale. He needed a ward that let him know if someone was knocking on the front door or ringing the doorbell. Right now Teddy had to tell him and that wasn't fair on his son. He rose as he finished and felt as a hand landed on his arm.

Luna was standing next to him. "Hi Luna," he said.

'Hi Harry,' Luna signed.

Harry smiled softly at her. "It's nice to see you again," he said.

'It is nice to be back,' Luna signed.

"Luna, please speak as well. I'm trying to learn how to read lips," Harry said.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I should have realised," Luna said. She followed him inside and sat down by the kitchen table as he moved around and got tea ready for them. "I had this feeling I needed to know how to sign," she said once he was sitting down and looking at her again.

"Of course, you are the Fairy Queen after all," Harry said. "Will you still have this damaged Knight?"

Luna reached out and grabbed his hands. "Of course," she said. "You haven't become a different person because you can't hear, Harry. I love the person you are, not specific attributes or functions."

Harry nodded slowly. He knew that was something that was obvious enough, but Lucas' reaction still weighed on him. "How was your trip?" he asked as he poured the water for their tea.

"Humid. Uneventful. I'll have to go back and hope they are more active during summer," Luna said. "Now, tell me who do I need to send nifflers to?"

Harry snorted and clutched his head. "It was an explosion. We don't know if it was planted or a main burst somewhere. Four people died. If my magic hadn't protected me and Teddy, we would probably have died too," he said. He rubbed his ears slowly. Some sounds that he made were still a bit jarring to him.

"Darn it. I really wanted to send those nifflers," Luna said. "On a more serious note, though. I know you aren't okay. Would you like me to stay for a bit?"

Harry looked at her. "If that is also what you want," he said. "I would love having you, and I know Teddy will be overjoyed."

"I could fix Blackbird for you too," Luna said.

"I need to do that myself," Harry said. "I need to face the mess my breakdown created. I wouldn't mind some company while I do that, though."

Luna smiled at him. "It's a date," she said. "We can do that tomorrow."

Harry put his cup by the sink. "It is time to pick Teddy up," he said. "Will you come with me?" He held his hand out to her. Luna took his hand and hugged him tightly with her other arm. "You are an amazing person," she said. "Don't think any different."

Harry kissed her forehead. While he hadn't caught every word, he got the gist of it. She let go of him as they headed for the door, and then she was signing as they walked. He knew he needed to get used to that, and he was grateful Luna was willing to help him with it. As expected, Teddy was overjoyed to see Luna, and she kept signing for Harry as they headed home, though she was mostly signing what Teddy was telling her.

Andromeda got home and she smiled at Luna. It was nice to see her again, and they could all use her company after what had happened.

Teddy waved to Harry and Luna the next day. It was probably the first day that Harry dropped him off, and he was smiling. Harry hugged Luna. "Thank you so much," he said.

'No problem, my knight,' Luna signed. They headed off a bit before Harry teleported them to Blackbird.

"I was in the studio when all of this happened, so that is the only room that took damage," Harry said. He pushed the door open. The room looked like a hurricane had gone through it. There was dried paint on the walls. What canvases had been in there were broken and ripped. He sighed. Well, they better clean the place up.

Broken things were removed. Everything that was whole was put back on the shelves. Thankfully, he had covered those with the wards, so all of his shelving and the cupboards were all fine. Luna found the canvas he had been painting on as Neville found him. She walked up to Harry and tapped him on the shoulder. The flower looked beautiful in a morbid kind of way.

"I like this one," Luna said. "Can I have it?"

Harry reached out slowly and touched the canvas. "You do realise that is painted with my blood," he said.

"I know," Luna said.

"If you let me clear coat the whole thing," Harry said. "Can we finish with this first, then I can give you some galleons and a list of the things I need replaced, and I'll fix it for you." He wasn't sure why she wanted the bloody painting, but he would give it to her. He placed the canvas down and kept working until they were done.

Harry placed the painting Luna wanted against his easel and picked up his paints. If he was going to give this to her, as much as he thought it was weird, it wouldn't just be brown. He threw his shirt to the side and spread paint over his arm. He grabbed a brush and ran it through the paint. It was strange to work on this painting knowing how he had felt at the time. He shaded and lightened the red he mixed in, drawing upon the idea that this was blood, but also hiding the fact that he drew much of it with his own blood. He dried it and clear coated the whole thing. He did that mostly so that the blood wouldn't just crumble off the canvas, and so it couldn't be used for anything.

While he trusted Luna with his life, he didn't necessarily trust all the people she might hang out around.

Luna returned with his supplies and smiled as she saw the painting. "Thank you, Harry," she said. "I love it." She grabbed the painting. "I want to go put it up. I'll be right back."

Harry nodded. He got the idea. She would be back. He packed away what she had bought him and chuckled at the things he definitely hadn't asked for. He placed a little ceramic Fairy Queen on a shelf. That was something he really should ask Dean for. The paintings of himself, Teddy and Andromeda that Dean had made for him were lovely. He would like a Fairy Queen Luna with him as her knight.

Luna tapped his shoulder and she saw his grin. "I know what you are thinking, and I ran into him and asked. No peaking because it is your Christmas gift," she said.

Harry laughed. "Okay, I promise," he said. He took her hand, and they headed back to Ferngale.

Luna stayed for another three weeks before it was time for her to head out again. She hugged Harry tightly. As she moved back, she said, "Next time we meet, you will be happier."