I'm afraid this is quite an angsty chapter, but I promise it's there for a reason and that things will start moving in the right direction after this.
TW for anxiety/panic attacks, and a very insensitive Tracey Davis.
ooo
Theo was slowly losing his mind. He had been teetering on the edge of a panic attack for hours now, and none of his usual coping mechanisms seemed to help. In the end he'd decided to come out here and wait, but somehow that only seemed to make him even more anxious.
Letting out a despairing groan, he let his head fall against the wall and closed his eyes, willing himself to go over the memory again.
Everything had been fine until this evening. He had just come back from the Great Hall, wondering why he hadn't spotted Neville at dinner, and had been halfway through the common room on the way to his dormitory when a group of gossiping girls caught his attention:
"No, I heard it was Longbottom and the Weasley girl." Tracey Davis whispered conspiratorially, causing Theo to stop dead in his tracks.
"What? No way!" Pansy scoffed in response, looking both scandalised and yet somehow impressed by the news. "I mean yes," she added in her usual, drawling voice. "I would have expected Weasley to pull a stunt like that, but Longbottom? I wouldn't have thought he'd have it in him."
"I know, right?" Tracey crowed. "Seems he's developed a taste for the Cruciatus Curse. He's practically asking to be punished." She smirked, a nasty, malicious twist of her lips, before adding in a low, wicked tone "But then I guess it runs in the family, doesn't it. If he keeps going like this he'll be joining his parents in St Mungo's soon."
A wave of nausea swept through Theo, followed by white hot rage. How dare she speak about Neville like that?
Teeth gritted and hands balled into fists he stalked towards the girls, ready to give Tracey a piece of his mind, only for Pansy to beat him to it.
"Oh, don't be cruel, Tracey!" she spat, dark eyes cold and glaring. "That's taking it too far. You can't joke about shit like that."
Tracey's eyes grew wide at Pansy's snappy reaction, and Theo could feel a rush of affection for the dark-haired Slytherin. Pansy could be a real menace sometimes, arrogant and far too vain for her own good, which was often paired with a rather bristly, unkind demeanour, …but she wasn't evil. She just hadn't really been taught how to be kind, either.
"Fine…" Tracey grumbled, folding her hands in front of her chest and pouting. "I was only saying that he's been far too reckless lately. I mean, honestly? Breaking into the Headmaster's office and trying to steal a sword? What in Merlin's name would he do that for?"
"Well…" Pansy mused, looking thoughtful. "I heard Lovegood was with them too, and we all know she's nuttier than a fruitcake. I bet she convinced them that the Sword of Gryffindor would help them fight the Dark Lord or something."
At that, Theo decided that he'd heard enough and approached the two gossiping witches. His head was reeling and he needed to know exactly what had happened.
"What's this about the Sword of Gryffindor?" He asked, trying for a casual, only mildly interested tone, while absolutely dying on the inside to get every minute detail out of them.
"Oh, haven't you heard?" Tracey snickered, instantly jumping at the chance to spread the rumours. "Neville Longbottom and his idiotic friends tried to steal it. They were caught trying to break into the Headmaster's office."
Theo's stomach dropped, and he had to take a moment to recover from the shock, before he could react.
"W-why would -" He began when he had finally managed to compose himself, but his voice came out all croaky and broken. He cleared his throat, his tongue feeling like sandpaper as he tried to swallow, and tried again. "Why would he do that?"
"Pfft. Merlin knows why." Pansy scoffed and rolled her big, ebony eyes. "I can't see how securing the sword would aid their cause, can you? I mean…Trying to defeat the Dark Lord with a silly little sword? Can you imagine?"
Both girls began to cackle at the idea, but Theo couldn't find it in himself to see the humour in it.
"Right…" He rasped, thinking that he might actually be sick. "Yeah, that's ridiculous."
He forced out a small laugh that sounded more like he was choking on his own saliva, while trying to suppress a shudder as the memories of Neville, battered and bruised in Greenhouse number five came floating back to the forefront of his mind. If that's how the Carrows had treated him for speaking up in class, then he didn't want to know what they would do to him for breaking into Snape's office. He was going to be expelled for sure. But not until they'd had their fun with him first.
It was several hours later now and Theo had been waiting in their spot for what felt like ages; nervously pacing up and down the hallway and smoking one cigarette after another. The book he had brought, in the hopes of getting some of his extracurricular reading done while he was waiting, lay long forgotten on the floor. He gave the copy of "A Household Guide To Healing Charms And Magical Remedies" a light prod with his foot, resisting the urge to kick it as hard as he could and watch it fly down the hall, and gave the wall behind it a little kick instead.
After seeing the state Neville had been in the other day, he had been forced to face the shocking realisation that he hadn't known a single healing charm to help with his injuries; which, in times of a full-blown war, was completely unacceptable. And he didn't even know why he had never bothered to learn any either, because most healing magic fell under the category of Charms. And Theo loved Charms. It had always been one of his favourite subjects, so it really wasn't a big surprise that, once his interest in healing had been piqued, it had very quickly become one of his latest obsessions.
He'd devoured every book he could possibly find about the topic and had been practising minor healing charms at every given opportunity, fascinated by the intricacy of them and how everyone's healing magic differed from that of others, depending on their very own, personal magical signature.
He loved immersing himself completely in the subject and could very easily get lost in his books for hours at a time …except not tonight. Tonight was different, because Neville might be in trouble. And there was absolutely no way that Theo was going to be able to focus on anything, let alone learn new spells until he knew that Neville was alright.
Taking a last drag from his cigarette, he threw it to the floor, stomped it out and vanished it, before leaning his forehead against the cool stone wall and closing his eyes. He needed to calm down.
'Breathe.' He told himself, ignoring the irregular beat of his heart and trying to focus on extending his inhales. 'He's going to be alright.'
Theo barely had the energy to drag himself up to the Great Hall for breakfast the next morning. He had stayed in his and Neville's spot for hours, anxiously pacing up and down and smoking like a chimney, begging the universe to answer his prayers and make Neville show up and tell him that everything was okay.
But Neville never did show up.
It had been almost 3am when Theo had finally given up and dragged himself to bed, but even then he'd barely slept; tossing and turning all night, wondering what had happened to the brazen Gryffindor and his foolish friends.
By the time Theo finally entered the Great Hall the next morning, with only fifteen minutes to spare before the start of his Transfiguration lesson, he had himself thoroughly convinced that he would probably never see the boy again. That he'd been expelled from Hogwarts and was probably on the run from the Ministry for attempting such a stupid thing as stealing school property directly from the headmaster's office.
It wasn't until he had dropped into his usual seat and pulled a bowl of cold, lumpy porridge towards him, that he finally let his gaze wander over to the Gryffindor table and nearly dropped his spoon, as he spotted a familiar shock of wavy blonde hair.
Neville, despite looking tired and a little worse for wear, was there. Unharmed and seemingly very hungry, because he was shovelling great bites of beans on toast into his mouth, while chatting animatedly with Ginny Weasley, who looked just as tired and was tucking into a bowl of soggy cereal with unusual enthusiasm.
Relief, sweet, beautiful relief, washed over Theo in great big waves, as he watched the two Gryffindors wolf down their food.
Neville was okay. He was still at Hogwarts, alive and seemingly unharmed, and eating his breakfast like he did every day. Theo was so relieved, he didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry.
The sentiment didn't last very long, however, and Theo's initial relief very quickly turned into pure outrage when he realised that Neville had left him worrying all night for no obvious reason. The idiot was fine! And he hadn't thought to let Theo know?
How dare he scare him so much?
Practically shaking with rage, Theo pushed away his bowl of porridge, got up and, without as much as looking towards the Gryffindor table, left the Great Hall.
He was already halfway back to the common room, thinking that he was going to skive off this morning, so he could sulk and potentially catch up on some much-needed sleep, when his anger began to fade and a new emotion worked its way into Theo's mind: Doubt.
What if Neville had wanted to contact him, but just wasn't able to do so? If he had really broken into the headmaster's office then he'd probably been kept under very close surveillance over the night.
He slowed down, teeth gnawing at his lip as he tried to make up his mind, and then groaned and turned around, deciding to give the usually so kind and thoughtful Gryffindor the benefit of the doubt.
Chiding himself for being such an over-emotional mess and always coming to such hasty conclusions, he walked back up into the entrance hall and took the way to their shared Transfiguration lessons. He needed to speak to Neville. Maybe then he'd find out what really happened.
When he arrived in the corridor that led towards their Transfiguration classroom, he stopped at a large tapestry that, Theo knew, covered a hidden passageway that led out into the courtyard. Casting a quick glance left and right to ensure that no one was watching, he put a quick Notice-Me-Not charm on himself and then slipped behind the elaborate wall-decoration, where he crouched down and peered through the small gap between the wall and the draping. With any luck he'd be able to catch Neville before he reached the Transfiguration classroom and get a moment to speak to him without any prying eyes.
He only had to wait a couple of minutes until Neville came hurrying down the aisle, his freckled face flushed and breathing heavily as if he had been running. Theo reacted instantly. As soon as the Gryffindor head reached the tapestry, Theo's hand snatched out, grabbed hold of the boy's robes and pulled him into the hidden passageway, where he pushed him roughly against the wall, before throwing a quick Muffliato up around them.
"Ooff." Neville huffed, staggering at the force with which his back hit the wall. "What the… Theo?"
"WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME WERE YOU THINKING?" Theo instantly blew up. He had planned to have a calm, civilised conversation with Neville, but now that he actually had the infuriating wizard right in front of him, he couldn't control his anger.
"BREAKING INTO THE HEADMASTER'S OFFICE?" He continued, biting down the urge to give Neville another shove. "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND!?"
"Ah" Neville replied quietly, and at least had the decency to look abashed. "You've heard about that, huh?"
"Heard about it?" Theo echoed, his voice unnaturally high. "Neville…The whole fucking school is talking about it! You have no idea what kind or rumours I've heard…that they caught you and… and tortured you…that you've been expelled or even worse sent to Azkaban…you… you stupid -"
"It was only detention with Hagrid!" Neville interjected quickly, clearly taken aback by Theo's emotional outburst. "It wasn't bad at all."
That shut Theo up. Detention? With Hagrid? That barely sounded like a punishment at all. Millicent Bulstrode had had detention with Hagrid once and had come back grinning and telling everyone that all they had done was sorting through unicorn hair and braiding it to be sent off to Mr Ollivander's while Hagrid had fed her rock cakes and giant mugs of very strong tea.
"I'm okay." Neville reinforced, clearly mistaking Theo's stunned silence for worry, or maybe another nervous breakdown. Because he seemed to be getting them so frequently around the stupid git. "We were out all night, mucking out the stables for the Thestrals. I'm exhausted and I haven't slept… like… at all… but I'm fine. I promise. I'm sorry you… I mean, I didn't realise you were…" He trailed off, blushing a little.
"Worried." Theo finished for him, because there was no point in hiding it anymore. He'd already made a complete tit of himself. "I was worried, Neville."
Neville looked shocked; gaping at Theo as if he'd just told him that he was dating the Bloody Baron or something ridiculous like that. Honestly… was it so hard to believe that Theo cared about him? They'd been spending weeks of nightly corridor conversations with each other. Didn't that mean anything to him at all?
The longer Neville stayed quiet, the more frustrated and uncertain Theo grew; a cold, ominous feeling spreading in his chest that told him that he must have terribly miscalculated their situation. Neville really didn't care, did he? Because honestly, what were a few secret meetings with a neurotic Slytherin, when he had a whole common room full of people that he hung out with every day. People he studied and played chess with, and who sat with him at dinner and went to Hogsmeade with him on weekends, …Actual friends, who didn't worry about being seen with him in public and were always there for him.
Theo was nothing compared to that.
"I…I'm sorry." Neville muttered, looking incredibly uncomfortable all of a sudden. "I didn't think we were close enough for you to worry, is all."
'Right.' Theo thought bitterly. 'That confirms it then.' Neville didn't see him as important enough to consider his feelings.
"Of course you didn't." He said quietly, his voice trembling with suppressed hurt. "Why would you? It's not like we're friends or something."
He took a step back, mouth twisted into a bitter sneer and shook his head. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have allowed himself to get so attached, when Neville clearly didn't care about their friendship at all.
Swallowing hard, he took a step back; the pain in his chest growing to unbearable levels and making his head spin and his breathing shallow and much too fast… he needed to get out of here before he spiralled into a full-blown panic attack.
"I'm going out for a fag." he huffed, stumbling rather than walking further into the passageway towards the exit to the courtyard. "I'll see you later, Longbottom."
"What? No! Theo, wait!" Neville called after him, a slight tone of panic in his own voice. "You can't… I mean…what about Transfiguration?" But Theo ignored him, eyes stinging and throat feeling unbearably tight, as he stormed off.