Chapter Fifteen

Fight or Flight

Bella Swan

March 2005

I had been standing in the backyard with Edward, Esme, and Carlisle when Emmett and the others finally joined us.

"What took you so long?" Edward teased Emmett. "Scared?"

"I had to convince Jasper, find the girls, and then change clothes!" Emmett griped back at him.

I smirked, "You had to change clothes? We never got that option, huh Jasper? Aww, but you get the luxury of fighting me in your little outfit."

"Hey! No taunting! That's a rule!" Emmett pointed nearly in my face as the others laughed at my tease.

Jasper took my arm and walked me a good ten feet from where I'd been standing at the bottom of the stairs of the porch. I was surprised that I didn't flinch or move to defend myself. Maybe this trusting others thing wasn't so bad after all.

Jasper lent in close to speak with me, "Are you sure about this? You don't have to prove some point here. Do you know, for certain, that you won't hurt anyone?"

"I'm sure." I nodded seriously. "And I know I don't have to. I challenged him. This might be a way to help me get more comfortable with everyone. I'm a good fighter and it's something I'm confident in. If I can show everyone that I'm not dangerous and can play, if I can show myself that, then maybe I won't worry so much about getting booted out at any moment. If you see any signs of PTSD, just rip my leg off. I'll be fine with it."

Jaspers eyes turned soft again and he only nodded as he motioned Emmett over.

"Everyone ready? Girls, have you got a good view?" Jasper smiled at Alice and Rosalie.

They stood leaning on the railing of the porch. Alice had a video camera in her hands and Rosalie had a wicked smile on her face. They looked like spectators at their favorite sporting event. Edward, Esme, and Carlisle stood just below them on the grass. Esme had a clearly worried look on her face. Edward and Carlisle just grinned as they spoke quietly to each other. They seemed to have plenty of seemingly one-sided conversations, since Edward was the only one that had to speak out loud between them.

Alice giggled in delight, "Ready!"

"Okay, now I want a good clean fight." Jasper put on his best announcers voice as I marked out a good twenty feet between Emmett and myself. "No fingernails, no detaching limbs, and no teeth. Those last two are for you, Bella." He glared at me playfully and I scowled in response.

"Then how is the fight called?" I grumbled.

Emmett stepped in quick with a response, "the loser is called when someone is pinned for longer than thirty seconds."

"Only thirty?" My mouth hung open. "I could have you pinned for much longer than that."

"Well show, don't tell!" Emmett retorted.

"No taunting!" Edward called out. "That's a rule!" He laughed as he mocked Emmett's earlier statement.

Jasper laughed with him, "okay, I'm going off of my watch, you both have ten minutes to get the other person pinned. If no one is pinned in that time frame, then the fight is a tie. Got it?"

"It won't be a tie. This'll be quick."

"That's taunting!" Emmett called me out and I scowled at him again.

Jasper turned to me with a warning look and I spoke up before he could, "fine, just to make Emmett happy, I'll give an advantage since I've broken the rules already. I'll keep one hand behind my back."

"What?" Jasper lost his usual composure. "You can do that and still win a fight? That was in your training?" He asked, sounding awed.

I frowned, "not part of the training, but I've had this arm ripped off three times. I've won with it off before." I didn't think that was the moment to speak about the targeting I had experienced from the group due to Sequoia's manipulation.

"I didn't think she'd let the targeting keep happening after I left." Jasper shook off his shock as I tucked my left arm behind my back. "Alright then. You've got ten minutes. Starting...now!"

Emmett took the first move and came charging towards me, intending to intimidate me with his size as his arms opened wide, but I wasn't scared at all. I'd dealt with Roland enough times to know how to counter someone his size.

I dodged Emmett's fists as he attempted to swing them down on me. Diving to the left of him, I used my shoulder to tuck and roll to regain my footing. I was somewhat regretting my choice in which arm I'd pinned. Emmett's center of gravity was low and he seemed to always favor his right side. I wished I had chosen to keep my more dominant arm in play.

However, I'd learned how to adjust early on in my training, and that didn't seem to be an exception now. I went for his left leg and knocked him to the ground as I swept it out from underneath him.

He grabbed my ankle as I went to dart away from him and threw me over his head. As my back hit the ground, hard, I realized that to him I weighed absolutely nothing. His muscle mass was more than Roland could've ever dreamed to have after his change. I'd have to rely on a more strategic approach than simply throwing him off of his feet.

Emmett recovered and spun into a low crouch. I countered him at the last second before he pounced. Just as he reached me, I hopped up and launched myself off of his shoulder. I pushed his body back down against the ground and jumped into the air as high as I could get.

He was just getting up onto his feet again as I came down hard on his left shoulder. He sprawled out on the ground again from the force I put on him. His face was against the dirt when I put the heel of my foot directly at the base of his neck. I had him held against the top of his spine in the same move Jasper had used on me the previous day. Emmett scrambled, trying to use his arms to reach behind his back and grab me, but he couldn't reach me very well in the position I had him locked in.

"Thirty seconds! Bella wins!" Jasper called it and I laughed loudly as I let Emmett up.

I turned to Jasper and was surprised when I saw his face looking so stunned. When I turned to the others, they were all looking at me with various stages of shock and awe. Even Emmett, once he began to recover from his loss, looked at me like I had a third eye and webbed feet or something. I began to worry that I'd somehow managed to do the opposite of what I had set out to do. Maybe the fake fight had shown them how strategic and monstrous I could truly be.

"What is it?" I asked and I was nearly panicking with anxiety over what I could've done.

"Oh, Bella, no. Everything is alright." Edward soothed me and took several steps forward to stand by Jasper. "We hadn't seen you smile or heard you laugh yet is all. Everyone's just a little stunned to see you so...happy."

"He's censoring things again." Esme disputed Edward as she stepped forward. "Bella, you looked so gorgeous smiling and laughing like you did just now. Your smile lights up your face and your laughter is incredibly sweet. It was jarring to see such a huge difference. A very good difference."

"Oh." I was stunned and had no idea what to say. "I don't think I remember the last time I actually smiled. No idea when I laughed either. That's a change."

The day after my mock fight with Emmett, as much as I had enjoyed myself and felt better about being with the Cullens, I couldn't force myself out of bed. I had been triumphant in my fight, had laughed even, but, over the night as I enjoyed some time with the Cullens in the living room, a slow-creeping horror had settled over me. My mind was full of memories of so many fights I'd been in, fights where people were trying to kill me, fights I had killed someone during, and I felt ashamed to have treated it all like a game. So many vampires before me, along with myself, had suffered so much in the army, and I had laughed like it was a playground game. If I ever was forced to return, if I was kicked out by the Cullens, I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't see conflict again. I shouldn't be treating such a serious thing as a game. The shame had sent me spiraling into depression.

Everyone in the house had tried to come in and speak with me when they realized that I was becoming distant. They tried everything they could think of. From Emmett teasing me to Carlisle gently explaining that it was alright to take whatever time I needed to process my thoughts. None of it seemed to help.

A day later, Esme had been the one to finally break through to me.

At some point, I'd moved to the floor. My back was against the bed frame as I watched out of the window, but I didn't feel like I was actually seeing or hearing anything around me. In a brief moment of clarity, I recognized that Esme was suddenly sitting beside me. I had no idea when she'd came in, but she sat holding me with one arm while her other hand turned the pages of the book in her lap. She read aloud in a gentle and sweet voice and after a few minutes of trying to focus on her words, I began to hear her.

"I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun."

I was surprised I knew the quote, and even more surprised that I felt an identifiable emotion for the first time in three days.

"Pride and Prejudice." I mumbled to Esme while forcing myself to blink and loosen the tight hold I had around my own ribcage.

Esme rubbed my shoulder while I tried to reanimate myself. When I winced from the pain in my ribcage, a pain that I'd caused myself, she shut the book and put it aside.

"Did you hurt yourself too badly?" She asked me gently, but I could only manage to shake my head in response. "Alright, good. Would you like me to leave?"

I shook my head again and, although I had no idea what possessed me to do it, I turned towards her and put my head on her shoulder as if I were a sick child.

She didn't seem to mind at all. Both of her arms wrapped around me and she immediately began rubbing my arm and stroking her fingers through my hair in the most soothing way I'd ever experienced.

"Oh, it's alright sweetheart." She cooed. "Whatever you're going through in your own mind, I'm here for you, we're all here for you, and we only want to care for you however we can. If you need space, someone beside you, or something more, then we will be here. Whatever you need or want."

"I don't know what I need. I don't know how to recover the life I've lost." I told her, and my words came out heavy with emotion. "I just want to cry and I can't." I huffed, hating that I sounded as if I were crying, and that my eyes burned, but I couldn't have the relief of actual tears.

Esme huffed too, "oh, I know. Trust me, there's been times I'd give anything to cry it all out."

I was a little surprised. Of course, logically, I knew that the Cullen's were real people with complex lives. They had to have reasons they'd entered this existence, and those didn't ever seem happy. Still, something about a person like Esme wanting to cry didn't sit right with me at all.

"You probably don't want to hear this, and I'm not sure if this will help at all, but I want you to know you're not alone in your feeling." She spoke hesitantly before taking a deep breath. "The feeling of losing a life you had put faith in is something I can relate to. As a human, I'd had a terrible first marriage. It was arranged and the man was horribly abusive to me. When I learned that I was pregnant, I couldn't stomach the thought of having a child around that man. I fled states away from him trying to save myself and my child. In the end, all of my efforts were in vain, the baby came early and died of lung fever only days after his birth."

"Esme." All of the breath escaped my lungs. I couldn't process how someone so naturally motherly had suffered so deeply.

"I'm afraid that's not the worst of it." She smoothed her hand through my hair again and I relaxed against her shoulder more. "I'd learned to love him so much, I was so excited to have him and had built so much of my new life around him, so his sudden loss sent me into the worse state of mind. As soon as his burial was over, I made my way to a nearby park that had quite high cliff faces. I threw myself off the highest one I could find trying to end all of the pain."

"Oh my god!" I sat up to face her, and she seemed startled by my reaction. "Esme, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine."

Esme relaxed slightly when she realized that I was only upset for her and not with her for sharing her story with me, "Thank you, sweetheart. I've healed from those pains, as much as someone can anyways, but the point I'm trying to show you is that life isn't certain at all. I loss the life I'd put all of my faith in, like yourself and most other vampires I know, and although I thought my world might be over...I've come out on the other side extremely happy. I wish that sort of happiness and peace for you. Carlisle has the most gentle and loving soul, he's a man I didn't think existed in my human life, and he's helped me heal in ways I thought I never would be able to. Edward was all he had when Carlisle saved me, and Edward immediately became such a comfort to me. He was in need of a mother, honestly, and so I think he needed me like I needed him. He's everything and more I would've wanted my son to be."

"I'm glad you all had each other like that." I nodded. "I've noticed how much you and Edward stick together."

Esme grinned, "all of my children are such a blessing to me. I truly love them all so deeply. But, I've been accused plenty of times that Edward is my favorite. He gets teased for being a "mommas boy" so much by his brothers too." She laughed beautifully. "We've just been together the longest is all. He was my only son for nearly fifteen years, after all. Two people are bound to be very close when they've had so much time together as family."

I nodded, "that makes sense to me. It must've been a little jarring though, to have your life flipped around. You suddenly had a wonderful husband and a loving son when you thought you'd lost the chance."

"Oh, well, it took Carlisle and I quite some time to admit our feelings actually." She giggled. "Honestly, if we hadn't been driving Edward so crazy, we might've taken more years than we did to confess. Carlisle and I joke that Edward was our match maker. He had to talk us both into believing that the other's feelings were more than just surface level. He got us to confess in the end."

"Sounds like mind-reading comes in handy." I tried to laugh with her.

She shrugged, "it's been a big trial for him. He enjoys using it for fun things, like match making and cheating in any game he possibly can, but it can be a huge burden as well. So many voices all at once, it's hard to find peace and quiet for him. He's had to isolate himself often in order to stay sane, unfortunately." I could tell her worry for him ran deep.

"Well, he can't hear my thoughts. We had a nice time when we talked last, I think, so maybe he won't have to be totally alone to find quiet anymore."

Esme beamed like she felt both overjoyed and somehow smug, "that sounds like a wonderful idea, Bella."

Esme convinced me that a shower and some fresh clothes would help me feel more like myself. She helped me decide on a dark blue sweatshirt and some leggings before walking with me down the hall to the bathroom. As she left me at the door, I couldn't help myself but reach out and offer her a hug. She accepted gleefully. Esme held me in a tight but comforting embrace for just a few moments before pulling away. Her eyes sparkled as she played with my hair once more before saying she'd see me downstairs when I felt up to it.

Later, when I'd showered and changed and was feeling much better, I ventured downstairs carefully.

"It's not fair!" Alice suddenly shrieked as I entered the room and I quickly fled back to the stairway. "How do you win so often? I'm fairly sure that third to last move isn't allowed!"

"Bella, everything is fine, you can come in." Jaspers voice promised me. "Alice is just a sore loser sometimes is all." He laughed teasingly.

I had to force myself to relax enough to enter the living room and I was entirely confused by what I found.

Alice and Edward were sitting in front of a chess board, with no pieces on the board moved at all, and yet Jasper was adding a tally mark to a huge book of game scores.

"How did you lose when none of the pieces have been moved? Did you already reset the board?" I asked them as I sat on the couch as close to Jasper as I felt comfortable with.

"Edward and Alice are freaks and only play chess in their minds." Jasper told me in such a serious tone that I nearly believed him.

Nearly, but I knew how much he revolved around Alice. He'd never call her a mean word and mean it.

"In your minds?" I grinned at them. "I mean, I know there's the future-seeing and the mind-reading, but how does that work?"

"Oh sister, here we go." Emmett grumbled as he entered the room with Esme in tow. He carried a vase of flowers for her and set them where she directed him to. "You two might as well play another round. Alice tries to throw Edward off her trail and Edward always cheats like hell trying to outsmart Alice's visions. Little sister, you've got a lot to learn." He grinned as Esme patted his face in thanks.

"Alright, fine with me. Alice, you game for another match?" Edward smiled widely at his tiny sister.

She rolled her eyes dramatically as she sat up straight in her chair again, "fine, but only for the sake of entertaining our Bella."

I zoned out for a moment after hearing Alice say "our Bella" in such a way that it made my breath catch. Although it sounded entirely casual, she spoke it in a way that was entirely fond and definite. She left me no room to question her meaning.

I'd banished myself to my room, ignored them for days, and, the moment I return to a somewhat functioning state, they accept me back as easily as breathing air? No one, not for one second, had pointed out my absence or made me feel awkward in any way.

"Are you even paying attention?" Jasper nudged my arm, seeming like he knew how tender I was feeling, and I blinked rapidly as I focused on Alice and Edward.

But...nothing was happening. Well, not really. Alice touched a chess piece, Edward smiled widely at her, and she frowned before putting it down into the same place. She touched another piece and the same events happened. Then, Alice touched a different piece, and Edward's confidence seemed to waver. Her eyes gleamed as she picked up that piece and moved it forwards on the board.

"Just know that they don't usually move pieces." Emmett grumbled as if his favorite show had been spoiled. "Usually they just stare each other down until one of them gives up."

Edward touched a piece and it was Alice's turn to smile like the Cheshire Cat. He backed off and touched another piece. Alice still smiled, probably trying to throw him off, but I guess her thoughts were too telling. He grinned and moved the piece. Alice stomped her foot.

"I only have roughly a 30% chance of winning!" She moaned. "Why must you torment me so, dear brother?"

Edward frowned when she turned her head away, "I don't mean to."

His tone was suddenly so soft, it was undeniable how much he loved Alice, and my lungs hitched at the sad sight.

Alice huffed, not seeing his sweet expression, and leant forward again to play. She touched a piece and her expression changed immediately, she smirked to herself and moved the piece.

At least Edward had the right of mind to frown slightly, as if he hadn't let her have an advantage, before he picked up a piece.

Alice squealed.

"I haven't set it down yet!" Edward griped, though he was smiling slightly at his sister's delight.

"Doesn't matter!" She laughed with complete joy. "You have no possibility of winning! Checkmate!"

Jasper whistled as he leant forward and put a tally mark for Alice on the page titled "Alice vs. Edward: Chess".

Edward and Alice seemed fairly well matched, she only had a few rows of marks less than Edward, but the next page titled "Emmett vs. Edward: Chess" was a much larger margin. Emmett had zero wins against Edward's clear hundred plus wins. I wondered what made Emmett so hard headed that he willingly competed against his siblings so much, often inciting the competition himself, when he rarely won.

"Way to go, Darlin'." Jasper praised Alice for her win as she sat on the arm of the sofa beside him.

Alice beamed in triumph before looking at me, "Bella, can you play chess?"

"I think I used to. It all looks familiar, anyway. But I don't remember how to play." I shook my head.

Edward was putting the pieces away as he said, "we can teach you sometime, if you'd like."

"Oh, please, don't act like you're not excited to have an opponent you can't read the mind of." Esme teased him and ruffled his already wild hair as she took the games box from him to stow away.

"Alright, I'll admit it. It's an exciting idea." He relented.

"I keep forgetting I'm defective." I muttered.

Edward turned to me and his eyes were wide, "no, Bella. Don't think like that. You've got some sort of protection or something of that nature. Maria wasn't wrong in praising whatever hidden gift you have. Carlisle's coming up with some theories, actually. Don't call yourself defective, please."

"Alright." I nodded, not liking the look of concern on Edward's pretty face.

As if on cue, Carlisle came inside from the kitchen door that lead out to the garage and Esme met him in the doorway of the living room with a quick kiss to the cheek. She smiled proudly when his eyes caught sight of me sitting on the couch.

"Hello, everyone." He greeted the room before meeting my eye contact. "Bella, it's good to see you. Feeling okay?" He asked me, the first of the evening to point out my previous absence, but it didn't feel awkward or forced at all. It was a natural way a parent might ask about a child's day.

"Yes, I think so." I nodded but even I heard the hesitation in my voice.

"Great." He smiled kindly at me, not pointing out my unease, and I was grateful for that. "Well, I had some interesting cases today. I'm headed upstairs to rest. Goodnight, all." He smiled at everyone around the room before leaving to climb the stairs.

Esme smiled too, like the room was full of some of her favorite people, before following right after him.

"Shit!" Rosalie's voice shouted from the outbuilding the Cullens used as a garage. It, apparently, wasn't as well soundproofed as the upstairs and attic of the main house.

Emmett stood to his feet and shook his head, "I told her to leave it for the night. Those shocks on your car are giving her hell, Edward."

"I told her she didn't have to give the thing the full upgrade, but you know how stubborn she is. She said she wasn't going to have me driving around in something half-done." Edward grumbled, but he was smiling fondly.

I'd noticed Edward and Rosalie butted heads quite often in my short time with the Cullens. The two of them were quick to dig at one another and pester each other before one of them finally walked away. I had thought they genuinely didn't get along, until I realized it was all (mostly) a ruse. They secretly adored each other as much as Edward loved Alice, they just had an extremely different way of showing their love.

"I'm going to go see if I can't convince her to leave it. I'm sure there's something else I can distract her with." Emmett grinned before heading off into the kitchen.

Jasper snorted and startled me, "oh, I'm sure there is." He called after Emmett.

"Hey," Alice hit at his arm playfully, "don't go corrupting Bella."

"Bella has no idea what's going on." I shook my head. "But it very much sounds like I don't want to know."

"You don't." Edward spoke quickly.

"Come on, Jazz. We better clear out before Edward gets into one of his moods again." Alice teased her brother as she pulled Jasper along with her towards the back door.

Jasper stopped in the open doorway and turned back to look at me, "I'm proud of you, Bella." He praised me before he disappeared with Alice.

The moment hung heavy. My mind was reeling from the genuine affection I caught in Jaspers voice. He was proud of me for pushing through the fog and making myself move forwards. We both probably knew I would have more trauma to work through later, more stress that might send me spiraling again, but he was genuinely proud of the progress I'd made this evening.

Edward seemed to understand the sentiment, and my resulting emotions, because he didn't speak for a long moment.

"Well then, that's everyone cleared out for the night. I think I'll go read in my bedroom. Would you like to come sit with me?" He asked and I immediately nodded my head.

"Yes, please. I'm not quite ready to be alone in the guest room again." I agreed.

"Your room, Bella." He reminded me as we began to walk up the stairs.

I sounded half-hearted even to myself, "right."

He glanced behind his shoulder, his eyes looked deeply sad, but he didn't press the issue.