Edited. Tenses changed to improve flow. Dec. 2024
"Good evening," Peeta's voice drifts quietly into the parlor.
"Evening. I've got to leave a little early tonight, there's no one to put my granddaughter to bed." Sae answers. Pleasantries are exchanged before the front door finally slides shut.
Katniss' eyes don't move away from the window. She's watching the moon. Peeta's never seems terribly bothered if she fails to make eye contact during his visits anyway. He understands her and her drifting.
Peeta's steps cause the hardwood floors to creek. One step is always heavier than the other, due to his prosthetic. He turns on the lights he encounters, banishing the dark.
He sits on the armchair to her left, far outside her field of vision. She can hear the chair groan under his weight. Its a diminutive, capitol thing. Barely useful. Theres some rustling too, followed by the clink of something against the glass of her coffee table.
"I brought your medication. I've been told that you need two tablets each per day." Katniss nods, just to show she's listening but her eyes don't stray from the window. "There're instructions with the bottles. You should read them. Main thing though, how've you been?"
Katniss tilts her head slightly in a concessive manner, "nothing too… extreme?"
"Hmm. That's okay, I guess. Feeling any better than yesterday?"
Katniss' eyes fall to her hands. They're tangled with the knitted blanket Sae tucked around her before she left. "I don't think there's been any change really."
"That isn't a bad thing. It'll take some time." She looks towards him then, unsure. He meets her gaze and smiles. One could almost argue the war had never happened by the way he sits across from her, only nineteen years old, fresh-faced. Theres a light dusting of freckles across his nose and cheeks, which are a little pink from the cold, and boyishly round. His looks are so deceivingly youthful, especially for a war hero.
Peeta's blonde eyebrows come together, "is there something wrong?"
She shakes her head. "Just drifting." Katniss pauses, momentarily focusing on pushing words out and past her lips, "would you sit with me for a bit?"
She turns back towards the window as Peeta comes to sit next to her. He doesn't say anything. He isn't even close enough for her to really feel his proximity, so she reaches blindly to hold his hand.
Peeta's hand pats hers gently, as if she's fragile. Breakable. He feels very separate from her, which is something she doesn't think she can ever get used to.
"Things are going to be okay, Katniss. Just give it time, you'll see."
The next morning Katniss stops by Peeta's house. It's part of her hunting routine to stop by before she returns to her own house. She doesn't know why she bothers. Maybe she does it because she's so used to trading with his father for bread. Or maybe she just wants to see him without feeling like an ill family member in need of care.
She enters his house through the kitchen door, at the back of the house. She doesn't knock or announce herself in any way, she never has.
Peeta isn't in the kitchen.
She stands there awkwardly for a moment, unsure of whether to look for him or simply call his name. She isn't used to unexpected changes anymore. Her routine is solid as stone. Completely unchanging.
She decides to drop her game bag in his oversized sink, taking off her jacket too. She walks slowly into the main living space. He isn't there, but she does hear his voice coming closer from somewhere else in the house. For some reason she doesn't feel comfortable enough to step any further onto his property, so she waits.
He walks into the room with a phone pressed against his ear, clearly in the middle of an ongoing conversation. He smiles at her softly, purely as an act of acknowledgement of her presence, before going on to say his goodbyes. His eyes catch hers with a friendly look as he drops the phone on a nearby table.
"Hey Katniss," he greets. "You brought me something?"
She nods and follows him into the kitchen. "Rabbit or duck. It's your call."
He's poking around at the sink, looking through her game bag. She makes her way towards the sink at a slower rate, crossing her arms and feeling guarded. Her lips spasm into some uncomfortable expression when his gaze falls on her.
"I'll take the duck." He says, pulling the animal out by its legs and placing it on the countertop next to him. He asks her something about whether she would like to take some bread home, or the type of bread she wants or something else when Katniss clears her throat and manages to get her suddenly disobedient hand to lightly grasp him by the elbow.
"Peeta, I-" Katniss' eyes meet his momentarily before she drops her gaze back towards the empty space surrounding him. "I wanted to ask if you wanted to stay over at my house. Tonight."
Peeta frowns and her stomach immediately knots. "Oh. No, Katniss. I-I can't do that." He squeezes the hand that remains on his elbow. "I can stay with you until you fall asleep again, but I can't stay with you for the night."
Katniss frowns as well, dropping her hand as if she's been scalded. It wasn't the first time she'd implied he stay with her a bit longer than he usually does. She had just assumed she was being too subtle.
She nods and reaches to yank her game bag out of the sink, a hasty exit on her mind, when Peeta halts her progress with a gentle touch to her shoulder.
"We should talk about this. It's what Dr. Aurelius would recommend."
She doesn't want to say anything at first. The only people who take her mental health with the appropriate seriousness it requires are Peeta and the doctor himself. Maybe the war has turned her into a masochist, but in this moment, the only thing she wants is to know is what Peeta's thinking.
"Okay." Katniss puts the bag back down on the sink. "I want to talk about why you've been so distant with since you came back to District Twelve."
Peeta sighs, his gaze flying across her face to take in her expression properly. He nods and tugs her towards the little breakfast nook to the side of the kitchen.
"It's not that I've been distant-" Peeta begins in a tone implying one of his long speeches.
"But you have." Katniss states firmly, sitting down at the corner of the booth. Peeta touches her shoulder in what was sure to be an attempt at friendly gentleness, but she flinches away. "We're supposed to be a team, aren't we?"
Peeta sits across from her and very purposely places his hands upon the table. His gaze seeks hers but every time she looks at him it feels like looking directly at the sun. She avoids it. "I'm not trying to be distant. I'm really not. I just want there to be boundaries between us, we need to understand what's okay and what isn't."
Katniss raises her brows almost mockingly, but she's honestly surprised and perhaps a little wounded. "Was this Dr. Aurelius' doing?"
"No." Peeta reaches for her hand, but she moves them to her lap instead. "We did talk about boundaries, but he never said anything about me putting boundaries on you, just things I should be careful doing. Triggers, thing to watch out for."
"You think I'm a trigger?" Katniss asks.
"No. You're not." Peeta sighs and taps his fingers against the table in frustration. "That's not it."
"Then what is it?" Katniss asks again, suddenly capable of summoning the will to pressure this information out of him.
"It's… it's me." Their gazes meet and he gulps. "I want there to be boundaries. I care a lot about you, I always have, and I always will. But after… everything that happened, I don't think it would be good for either of us to be that way with each other anymore."
"Good for you." Katniss says in a mildly accusing manner.
"Maybe." Peeta allows, "I love you, Katniss. But I know how things are. How they've always been. And I've always tried to give you what I can to make you happy and keep you safe but… you know I've never wanted to be something I'm not."
Katniss remains silent.
"Especially now, lying, I can't do lying. It's really dangerous for me. You know that." He sighs again. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, I can't do things like that with you, ever. I'll always be your friend but anything that crosses that boundary… I can't do it. I just can't"
"We always had a very specific definition of friendship," Katniss says cryptically. She doesn't immediately leave his house. Something inside her insists on it but she pushes it away. Instead, she places an elbow on the table and rests her cheek against the palm of her hand. She waits.
"Yeah," he agrees. "But things aren't as intense now. We can be honest."
Katniss nods.
"I'm sorry," he says.
Katniss looks at him, noticing how troubled he seems. Peeta has always been open about his emotions. He never appeared ashamed of his sadness, or any other emotion that may make him appear weaker. Katniss knew now that he was much stronger than her because of that.
"I love you too." Katniss stands abruptly, "I should go home."
Peeta smiles but stays put, "I'll be over later."
She nods again, lingering around his kitchen island before she grips her game bag and strides purposely out of there.
As hard as she tries, the severe aching where her heart should be does not go away.
That night, after Peeta's nightly visit, Katniss closes every curtain in the living room and turns off all the lights in the house. Somehow, she thinks that if Peeta notices she's awake he would know what she was doing and come to check on her.
She sits down, turns on the television, and plays the tape of the 74th Hunger Games.
Katniss hates everything that reminds her of the games. She hates how every single thing in that arena still haunted her, but for some reason, after seeing Peeta that day she simply needed to see these tapes again.
She goes quiet as the Career pack, accompanied by Peeta, fill her screen. It was the early days of their partnership. Cato was telling some story to try and prove he should rule the group. Peeta carries a dagger, he doesn't speak a word and walks along looking attentive to every little sound in the woods. Looking for her.
Katniss pauses the video to cry.
In the morning Sae makes her some grain for breakfast. Her granddaughter plays some game she made up, dancer or princess, so she spins around the room and giggling, in her own little world.
Just looking at children hurts.
Sae sits at the table with her, her granddaughter climbs onto a chair to eat her breakfast the moment it's served.
"There's talk about finding the District a new Mayor." Sae says.
Katniss simply nods, "that's nice." And pushes her spoon around her bowl for a while.
"You really shouldn't be watching those videos." Sae says while shaking her head. "You're in no place to see something like that."
Katniss doesn't say anything and stares down at the table.
"Gale Hawthorne was on the news yesterday. He's been promoted. Head of Security." Sae says this as she wipes grain off her granddaughter's cheek. "His mother must be really proud."
Katniss nods and stares into space, oddly aware that somewhere in the house a clock is ticking.
"They're already talking about elections." Sae continues, her eyes trained on her granddaughters' erratic movements, "They're saying that every president only stays in office for a limited amount of time."
Katniss nods, the clock still ringing in her head, "good."
It's silent. The war ended a year ago, right? Just one year.
"Peeta said he was redoing the bakery at the town meeting." Sae says. "Said he didn't feel right letting his daddy's business end with him."
Katniss frowns. "We have town meetings?"
Sae nods, "almost every week. Thursdays."
"Where?" Katniss asks, "where can you fit the whole town?"
"You know there's not that many people here right now." Sae looks at Katniss, "but they're at the boys house. He's got the largest."
Of course.
In the afternoon Katniss has to call Dr. Aurelius. She sits on the window seat in her room, the phone pushed against her ear as she watches the street in front of her house idly.
"Hello Katniss." Aurelius answers on the third ring. One of Haymitch's geese wanders towards the decorative shrubbery that lines the streets.
"Hello." Katniss rests her hand against the glass. It's very cold, so she keeps her hand there, just to feel it.
"Have you received your new dosage? Have you started taking it?"
"Yes yesterday. It makes me feel slow."
"That's common. Hopefully, with enough time we'll be able to ween you off the anti-depressants."
"It's been a year since the war." Katniss states.
"Yes," the doctor confirms.
"Only a year." She pauses, "the other day, when Peeta visited me, I was thinking about how young he looks. How young he is."
"How does that make you feel?"
"Like I'm ancient, but not." Katniss leans back against the wooden panelling behind her. "I haven't seen my own reflection since I was in District 13."
"Why do you think that is?"
"I don't know." Katniss frowns.
"Are you afraid to see your reflection?"
"No." Katniss doesn't elaborate.
"Peeta told me he talked to you about boundaries." Dr. Aurelius says after a quiet moment, "how did that make you feel?"
"I thought you couldn't speak about your patients to your patients?"
"I've made an exception in this unique case" Katniss grunts her disapproval.
"A long time ago Gale told Peeta I could not feel passion. He made it seem like I couldn't feel real love. Not the way they did." Katniss's voice breaks. "Is that true? You've been studying my behaviour, is that true?"
"You're the only person who can answer that question, Katniss."
"I don't think I can." Katniss admits, "at least not the way I want to. Not the way I should."
"There is no should in relationships, there just is." Aurelius says. "There is no template."
There is a brief silence. Katniss stares hard at the street thinking about all the things she should be able to do and know. She should be able to walk the streets of the District, she should be able to know how to speak to her peers. She should be able to look at other people in the eye. She should, should, should…
"Have you been writing in the journal I sent you?"
"No," she admits. "I don't see the point."
"I would like you to write in the journal first before you make up your mind about its usefulness."
Katniss watches as more geese filled the street, "I should try."
"You should try."
After putting the phone down Katniss stares at the leather-bound notebook that sits on her bedside table. There is a fine layer of dust gathering on it, as it hasn't been mover nor opened since it arrived at her home. Standing on unstable legs, she crosses the room to hold the notebook in her hands.
Finally, after a moment of contemplation, Katniss opens the book. The pages are blank, of course. It is filled with lined paper, merely waiting for someone to write something upon it.
She is about to close it to put it down once more when she spies a small note written on the front page.
The more you feel, the more you will heal. Take care.
-Dr. Anton Aurelius
It hurts to breathe, so she sits on her bed to try to calm down. How could she feel? When her heart… it's just gone. Burned to ashes in an explosion.
The hole where her heart is meant to rest aches once more.
On Thursday afternoon Katniss goes to Haymitch's house.
It is dark. The curtains are drawn, although some sections have been pulled violently from their hooks allowing for random rays of light around the room. It is enough for Katniss to figure out where she should step and where she definitely shouldn't.
She is having a hard time finding Haymitch. More than once she shoves a promising lump with the toe of her boot just to find a pile of disgusting clothes and other unidentifiable objects.
"Haymitch!" she calls out, her eyes burning from the smell. "Where are you, you useless drunk?"
"He's not here." Katniss jumps and turns quickly. Standing there, unfazed by their surroundings, is a young child. He was one of the boys who lived on her street back in the Seam. He couldn't be much older than fourteen.
"What are you doing here?" Katniss asks, immediately on guard. "Are you trying to steal from Haymitch?"
The boy laughs and shakes his head. "Nah, I'm here to pick up this," he holds up a bottle of whiskey, "we're about to have the meeting and Haymitch is extra crabby."
"Haymitch is at the meeting too?" Katniss frowns.
"Well yeah, he always is." The boy shrugs, looking unsure of what else he should say. "So… do you mind if I just go now?"
Katniss doesn't answer, instead she turns around and walks out the front door.
Back in her house, she sits on the kitchen table, the notebook in front of her.
Hastily she grabs the pen at her side and angrily scratches her handwriting into the immaculate pages.
Haymitch went to the meeting.
Peeta is holding the meetings.
Gale is Head of Security.
Mother works at the District Four Hospital.
It has been one year since the war.
She stares at the page. She feels nothing. She understands nothing.
Prim died.
She stares at the words on the page.
Prim died in a war.
I should have died in the war.
She closes the notebook quickly and tries to ignore how empty she feels.
When Peeta lets himself in for his nightly visit she surprises him by sitting on the grand staircase in the foyer.
"Why didn't you tell me about it?" the sound of her voice startles him. She watches as he takes a step back, one foot effectively back outside, as he looks up and finds her sitting on the fifth step.
"Why didn't I tell you what?" He asks in return, stepping fully into the house and closing the door softly behind him.
"You didn't tell me about the meetings. I would like to know about the meetings."
Peeta's expression communicates his surprise. "Oh, well that's great. I can tell you about anything you want. They're mostly about building supplies really."
"Why didn't you tell me before?" She looks at his hair, never directly in the eyes. "You should have told me before."
"I didn't think you would be interested." He admits, "I didn't mean to exclude you. I'm sorry if you feel like I did."
She deflates. Why didn't he ever do anything warranting her anger? He was always proving himself to be, effortlessly, kinder, and better than her. "I am interested, now."
She could hear the smile in his voice. She refuses to look at it. "Good. Come, I brought you some bread to make up for being late today."
She follows him into her kitchen. She stares at his back as he moves around, he's more familiar with the kitchen layout than she is. She wonders if she's ever seen that shirt before. It's blue, long-sleeved, maybe cotton.
"Are you in the mood for some tea? I'm in the mood for some tea." He says as he drops a brown paper bag on the counter and pulls out something small.
"I'll put the water on," Katniss mumbles.
"I brought you some muffins too, I was in a muffin mood." He continues, "I made a lot. I think I'm having a hard time remembering how to downsize recipes. I always do too much, at everything. It's my most annoying quality."
"Making too many muffins is a quality?" she asks as she turns up the burner as high as it can go.
He chuckles, "no, but I'm a self-doubter when I'm making a new thing. I always think I'm not doing enough, so I end up with a lot of stuff. My dad used to chastise me for that all the time."
"Oh," Katniss says and just stares at the stove before her.
"They're planning to help me out with the bakery," Peeta continues easily. "I don't know how long it'll take. Maybe six months. But we'll start on it soon."
Peeta sets down a plate of muffins on her breakfast table, identical to his own, and sits down on one end the booth. "I'm excited."
Katniss nods and follows, sitting opposite him. "That's nice."
"It is," He grins, she continues to avoid direct eye contact and looks back down at her hands.
"How was you day?" he asks her when it becomes clear she isn't going to ask him anything else. "Did you go to the woods today?"
She shakes her head. "I woke up late."
"That's too bad, it was a nice day today." She could sense him seeking her out, she hunches her shoulders.
"Your hair looks different today. It's nice. Is your hair always that curly?"
She looks up, mostly because she is surprised he'd mention it at all. Accidentally, she looks him in the eyes. He is looking at her with a friendly expression albeit with a bit of sadness mixed in there too. She looks away.
Tugging on the hair in question she nods, "Yeah, that's one of the reasons I braid it."
"You don't like it?" he asks her.
"No, its not that" she shakes her head. "It's just hair. But since it curls a bit, its hard to brush."
He is looking right at her, she can feel it, he is looking for something.
"It's not like you've never seen it like this before." She frowns. "I wore it down to bed sometimes."
He shakes his head, "I don't remember really. They always straightened your hair for TV."
She gulps, "Yeah, they did. It didn't fit the look I guess."
The kettle screams and Peeta goes to get their tea. She stares at the muffins; they're blueberry.
After a moment Peeta puts down a mug in front of her. He doesn't immediately move his hand away. Instead, he sighs.
"Katniss about the other day-"
"There isn't anything else left to say." She interrupts, unwilling to talk about feelings when she hardly feels anything at all. "I understand boundaries."
He nods and sits back down across from her. "Okay, but I just want to make sure you're okay."
"I'm okay."
"And we're still a team." He leans forward slightly, probably to make sure she is paying attention. "You said we had always been a team. We are. We always will be. It's just not the same situation."
"We're a team." She nods and reaches out for a muffin. "I know that. You're my ally."
He nods and reaches for a muffin too. "Okay."
She looks up at him. He's looking down, so it's safe. "Dr. Aurelius said he talked to you about me."
He nods, when he raises his head again, she notices he's chewing. She stares at a moving muscle in his jaw.
"We talk about you a lot. It's part of my therapy."
She nods in response. "Does he tell you about what I tell him?"
He shakes his head. "No, your emotions are yours. I have no right to them."
Katniss looks away from him entirely. "He gave me a journal to write in."
"That's good!" Peeta says encouragingly. "Do you enjoy it?"
"I don't think I have emotions." She confesses. "I'm telling you this because you're the only person I trust."
"And Haymitch wasn't home when you went looking for him today," he says amusedly.
Her shoulders tense. He's right. "It isn't funny, Peeta. And you are one of the only people I trust."
He nods, "I know." He leans back in his seat. "You have emotions, Katniss. A lot of them."
"No, I don't." She shakes her head, "I don't."
"Of course, you do. Right now, you're annoyed at me, angry at yourself, and angrier at Haymitch."
She looks up at him again accidentally catches his gaze. His eyes are compassionate. It hurts too much so she looks away.
"You feel all the time. You just don't like to be the type of person that feels things." He shrugs. "It's understandable, I've been there."
"I don't like you."
"I know," Peeta chuckles, "but it's true."
"I want you to include me in the town meetings." Katniss says suddenly. "I want to know about what's being rebuilt."
Peeta nods, "done."
"And I want you to show me what's new in town." Katniss sits up straight. "It's been a year since the war, I need to see the District."
He nods again.
"And you will stay for dinner tomorrow." She continues, "because we're allies and you're my friend."
"Okay," Peeta says softly.
"Okay," Katniss repeats with conviction.