"Mom?" I call out as I enter the house. The Belmont meet is finally over, and rarely has coming home been such a relief. We have a few days of downtime before Henry and I head to Florida for the winter season, and though I had hoped to go to Europe to see Pam before then, that's looking increasingly unlikely. I can't help but think it's a bit deliberate on Henry's part. He's never been crazy about Pam, swearing up and down that she's affecting my riding, and not in a good way. We've been butting heads more and more recently, he unwilling to admit that I'm not a kid he can push around anymore, and me being less willing to accept his guidance. I'm not sure I need it so much now. It's making things difficult between us, enough so that it makes me question whether it's worth it to keep racing. There are days when I think I should have just run off with Pam.

But of course, when I had mentioned it to her that weekend in Maryland, she had shaken her head. "You're just having a hard time right now. It won't last forever." She told me then.

Easy for her to say. Pam could just pick up and go wherever she wanted, as free as a bird. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. Her sudden appearance at the farm made me question everything about my life, everything I had put aside in pursuit of building up Hopeful Farm. Was it worth it? I wasn't so sure anymore.

"Alec!" Mom's voice breaks me out of my train of thought as she crossed the kitchen to hug me tightly, and it's almost as if nothing has changed. Home is still home, and it's always good to return after time away. "How was the meet?"

"Okay." I tell her, not wanting to go into too much detail. Truthfully, it was disappointing, though we managed to bring home some money, just enough to cover expenses. "Any mail?"

My mom smiles as she hands me a letter, the familiar air mail stamp on the front. "It's been here for two days, waiting for you."

I take it from her and open it as I sit down in the living room, barely noticing Dad greeting me. Pam's in Switzerland now, or she was when she wrote this, and I'm so wrapped up in the details of her adventures that I don't hear the phone ring at first.

"Alec." Dad's voice finally penetrates. "Someone on the phone for you."

I'm baffled. Who would be calling me here? I take the receiver from Dad. "Hello?"

"Alec? Alec Ramsey?" A woman's voice, shaking, is on the other end. She sounds slightly familiar, though I can't quite place it.

"Yes?"

I hear her take a deep breath before she continues. "I know we've never spoken. I'm Pam's mother."

Pam spoke often of her mom. I nod, waiting for her to continue. There's a long pause. "Pam talked about you so much. We figured you must be very important to her."

I don't like where this is going. "Is something wrong?"

There's a choking noise on the other end of the line, and I hear her say something like "I can't. You tell him." and an assuring sound before someone else comes on the line. "Alec?"

I'm getting impatient. "Yes."

"This is Pam's father. What my wife was trying to say was…Pam was in a car accident the night before last."

There's a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. She's got to be okay, right? Please, say she's okay.

"She…she died." Her father's voice is tight with emotion. "They say it was almost instant. She didn't feel a thing."

That's no comfort. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what he's saying. It's not possible. It's just not possible. We just talked on the phone two weeks ago, just before Henry and I went down to Belmont. We were trying to figure out when I was going to be able to go meet her somewhere in Europe. We were making plans.

Suddenly, that's all gone. There are no plans now.

I'm still holding Pam's letter in my hand, the shock starting to wear off, replaced by something I can't describe. It still doesn't feel quite real, the fact that she's gone.

"We're still making arrangements for her." Her father's voice cuts through the fog in my mind. "You are, of course, more than welcome to come. She would have wanted that."

I can't even think about that right now. "Okay, thank you." I manage to choke out. Somehow I find some other words, none of them making much sense, and I hang up the phone.

I stare down at the letter in my hand, the letter I had barely started reading before the phone call. It feels pointless to finish it now.

"Alec?" Dad's voice barely registers. "Is something wrong?"

I can't speak. If I do, I'll lose it, and I don't want to do that in front of Dad. He already thinks I'm overly emotional as it is. I don't need a lecture from him.

Instead I shake my head and make my way upstairs to my room, closing the door behind me and laying down on the bed. I close my eyes and try to remember the last time we were together, that weekend in Maryland.

It had been a relief, that time away from the farm and my parents and Henry. While we hadn't exactly hidden the true nature of our relationship, we were careful not to flaunt it, either.

Well, Pam had been far more careful about it than I was. I was in love with her and wanted to tell the whole damn world.

That weekend, though, was on an entirely different level. I got just a taste of the freedom that Pam offered, and I wanted more. No, not just wanted it, craved it. If Pam hadn't put the brakes on, I would have followed her all over Europe.

She had laughed when I told her. "You'd be homesick before the week was out." She had responded. "And what would you do without the Black?"

I didn't have an answer for that.

Now I would never know what could have been. Would I have eventually met up with her somewhere in Europe? Would she have gotten tired of wandering the world? Would we have settled down, gotten married, had children?

It seems pointless to ask now, as pointless as the letter I still hold in my hand. I set it aside and close my eyes. A heaviness has settled on my chest now, making it hard to breathe, hard to think.

A knock at the door startles me, and the door slowly opens before I can respond. It's Mom, a worried expression crinkling her forehead. "Alec, what's going on? Your dad said you got a phone call. Is everything okay?"

I want to tell her everything, just like I did when I was little. Mom could make me feel better then with just a few words. I doubt she'd be able to do the same now. Instead, I blurt out, "Pam's gone."

"Gone?" Mom sits on the edge of my bed.

"Dead. Car accident." I manage to choke out as I sit up, still not believing the words coming out of my mouth.

"Oh, honey." Mom pulls me in close, and I immediately fall apart. The words come out in a rush, and I'm only slightly aware that I'm not making much sense.

I finally wear myself out, just like when I was little, and there's nothing left. I'm hollow, numb, exhausted. Mom lets me go, laying a hand on my cheek with a sigh. "Do you want supper?"

I shake my head, and Mom gives me one more quick squeeze before leaving. I'm alone again, feeling even worse than I did before. It's not just the news of Pam's death that's left me exhausted, it's everything. It's the seemingly endless traveling, riding, racing that have worn me down to nothing, and yet, I can't stop. It takes so much to keep this farm running, and I've given up so much to make it happen.

I was so sure this was what I wanted. Now I'm less sure. But I don't know what else I would do with my life.

I curl up in a ball on the bed and close my eyes. I can work it out tomorrow.

# # #

I awaken with a start in a dark room, the last bits of a dream fading away. As usual, I can't remember details. Something to do with Pam, for sure, but that's all I remember.

I lay there, tossing and turning, my mind still trying to accept that Pam's really dead. How the hell could this happen? The plans we were making are still formulating, even though there's no point now.

What's the point? What's the point of any of this? My thoughts turn dark, as dark as the night. I'm restless now, unsure what to do. I can't stay here. I just can't. Maybe I'll load up the Black and just drive. It's almost Christmas, and I don't have any plans anyway.

It's not much of a plan, but it'll do. I roll out of bed and start packing a bag, moving as quietly as I can. I need to get out of here before anyone can stop me.

I manage to get out of the house and to the barn unnoticed, and I grab the keys to one of the trucks, backing it up to a trailer, as I have a thousand times before. Almost automatically, I load up everything the Black will need and go to get him from his stall.

He nickers quietly, almost as if he's wondering what's going on. "We're taking a little trip." I tell him. "Just a few days away, then we'll be back."

I lead him into the trailer and tie him down, making sure he's secure before I climb into the truck. I have no idea where I'm going or what I'll do when I get there. I just know that I need to get out of here.

Time slips away from me. Sun comes up, sun goes down, I stop every so often to take care of the Black and fuel up the truck. I drive on, fueled by coffee and sheer force of will. Eventually I hit a wall of snow, and it's getting difficult to see. God, I'm tired, so tired, but I'm not ready to stop.

My eyes keep drifting shut, and I force myself to keep them open. I turn on the radio, finding a rock station to keep myself awake. The exhaustion threatens to overtake me, but I keep going. I have to keep going.

The blare of a semi-truck horn startles me, and I swing the truck hard to avoid hitting it. I manage that, but feel the tires slide under me, and I know I'm losing control, but I'm powerless to stop it. Suddenly I'm tumbling, rolling, my body bouncing all over the cab of the truck.

The truck finally comes to a stop, the sound of the diesel engine and the radio the only sounds. I'm dizzy and nauseous, every part of my body throbbing, and I can taste blood in my mouth and down my throat. My last thought is of the Black. Please, be okay. Let someone find us.

# # #

"Alec." That voice. I know that voice. I turn my head to see her sitting next to me, that smile lighting her face, those green eyes sparkling with amusement.

I exhale with relief. She's here with me. She's fine. Everything's fine. I reach out to take her hand. "We're okay, right?"

"Of course we are." She reassures me, squeezing my hand. "We're just resting a bit. Quite an adventure we're having, aren't we?"

I nod, suddenly unable to speak, and it's only then I notice how cold it's gotten. "I'm cold. Aren't you cold?" I ask her.

She shakes her head, still holding my hand. "You're just tired. We've driven an awfully long way. Why don't we rest here for a while?"

"That sounds good. Just for a while." I squeeze her hand. "I love you."

"I love you, too." She leans over and kisses my forehead. "Now rest."

I close my eyes for a moment, and I'm suddenly startled by light and movement. "I found him!" I hear an unfamiliar female voice call out. I look around, but I'm alone. The girl is nowhere to be found.

I try to explain that I wasn't alone, that there was someone with me. A girl. Someone assures me that they'll look for her, but I get the feeling they don't believe me.

But she was here. Right here next to me. I'm sure of it.

Someone places a coat over me, soon replaced by a blanket, and I finally stop shivering. God, I hurt all over. What the hell happened? An accident, a gruff male voice tells me. Help's coming, he assures me, and soon enough I feel movement and a rush of freezing cold air as I hear voices all around me.

"Find her." I murmur before everything goes black.