A Marriage that Started a Legend

by IJustShowedUp

Follows canon but with my own arranged marriage spin on it. What happens when Hunith makes a mistake and is forced on the run with her infant son? What happens when Camelot knights find her twenty years later? What happens when Arthur learns he's betrothed to a peasant boy? Will Merlin be able to stand among royalty? Will these two different boys survive each other? Review!

213. Chapter 215

Lancelot NoLastName, the First Knight and Loyal Guardian to the very Consort of Camelot himself, had been pleased when he had finally managed to get his charge outside of the estate. It had been a very calculated move for Knight Lancelot, but it had been a move that he very much knew he needed to take if he was ever going to get a chance like the one that had been offered to him on all but a silver platter. He had been watching, you see, and keeping his eyes so steady on what his consort had been doing for the better part of a day. Sitting and stewing in silence as he waited for the perfect opportunity to get Merlin to walk off with him alone. It had been difficult, considering all of the running around that was going on in the estate. Knights he hadn't much talked to when he had actually been in Camelot would stop him because they wanted to catch up on how exactly his new knighthood role was treating him, and then Lancelot would need to do the perimeter check he's been doing every few hours just to make sure there was no evidence of anybody getting in who wasn't supposed to be there. And then the actual tracking Merlin down had been an issue… the new knight definitely had his work cut out for him, but it was work that he was going to carry with pride. There wasn't a great many things Lancelot actually took pride in with the way his life was, but his duty to Merlin… that was what Lancelot felt the most proud of.

And Merlin was also the reason he was so worried in the first place.

Ever since Lancelot had ended his swords fight with Arthur, he had wanted to check their interactions for himself. He couldn't say he trusted Arthur as far as he could throw him, and he wanted to know if there was any mark difference in how he treated Merlin since the last time Lancelot had seen them together. He couldn't say he had gotten a real conclusive answer though, from watching the way they acted during dinner the night before. The last time Lancelot had seen the two of them together back in Camelot, and Merlin had been full of so much anger and resentment with a solid barrier built up around him just to rebuff the chaos Arthur brought into his life. And then there had been Arthur, who always tried to be around them at the most random moments, popping out of nowhere just to see Merlin… practically stalking, Lancelot would go so far as to say he's been doing. It had been a few weeks since those days, but Lancelot could only see a tiny shred of difference. Mainly in how Merlin completely ignored Arthur at every given opportunity he could, treating the blond man as if he could have been invisible. Which left Arthur slumped over at his side, looking dejected as he kept silent and to himself for the most part. Lancelot hadn't been sure what this meant… if it was a good thing compared to how they had been before or if it only proved what Lancelot thought Merlin had been trying to tell him.

That Arthur had touched him inappropriately and without consent.

Ever since Merlin had confided in him about what Arthur had done to him, he'd been on high alert mode for anything that could prove Arthur had simply been trying to cover his tracks when he claimed during their fight that the encounter Merlin had been talking about was an innocent misunderstanding. Arthur could have told him the moon was made out of space and rock and sand unknown to their earthly plane, and Merlin could have told him the moon was made out of cheese that people could've ate, and Lancelot would have still believed Merlin first. So if Merlin told Lancelot that Arthur had went further than he ever had before and was now forcing Merlin into doing his 'husbandly duties,' well then, Lancelot liked to think that the prince wouldn't be leaving the estate when the long weekend was over. But Lancelot needed to do his research before he did something like taking out Camelot's only heir to the golden throne. Which was why Lancelot had stood guard at the bottom of the stairs that lead to Merlin's chambers for a vast majority of the night. He had arrived later than he wanted to due to making sure he wasn't followed by the other knights that would now be roaming the estate halls, but once Lancelot was in place, he had made sure to keep his ears peeled for any signs of struggle or screaming or anything that made him think Merlin was in trouble. Luckily, there had been nothing, and the warrior had managed to leave without anybody being the wiser about where he had been all night.

There was very little Lancelot would have done for Merlin's protection.

What Lancelot hadn't been expecting, after he managed to get Merlin outside the gates of the estate undetected to find the answers to questions he feared to get the answer to, was for the conversation to somehow swirl around to his past relationship with Guinevere. He had been expecting something that was more along the lines of… Lancelot tentatively asking his questions just in case Merlin was traumatized by whatever had occurred between him and the blond prince, and the consort breaking down because of it. Rape was such a horrific violation that could very likely ruin a person for the rest of their days… he had seen firsthand how brutal such an attack could be after seeing what happened to the women of his village when he was a small child. And Lancelot was ready to commit the deepest of crimes should somebody, Arthur especially, ever try to destroy Merlin in such a way. To steal away his smile or the grip he's been gaining on his own life… Lancelot knew Merlin had struggled for so long, from what little he knew about the consort's early days as a Royal, to get control of his life. But now… now Merlin had brought Guinevere to mind and reminded the warrior that not all means of communication were cut off from him…

A bloody letter.

Merlin wanted him to write a letter and send it off to Camelot so that the girl—no, the woman—that he had left behind could read it. Obviously, Lancelot had not been so brain-dead that sending a letter to the one woman in all the world that's made him feel as if he was alive, had escaped him. But the thought was enough to make sweat gather on his palms… Lancelot didn't even know what it would say if he did write this letter to her. Lancelot had never been the best at writing his thoughts down, he only knew how to write at all because those who had raised him after the destruction of his village had a few books that ended up in their possession though rarely ever touched, but he was still far better at speaking his mind than anything else. He wouldn't even know what to say if he did try to write a letter. There was just something about sitting down at a desk and staring down at a blank piece of parchment that made him feel… stuck. As if he didn't know what to say unless he could stand in front of Guinevere, stare into her big brown eyes that always looked so sweetly at him, and speak words that came from his heart. Lancelot was worried that his writing might be stifled or he might not come across what he actually wanted to say to her. He worried he might write something and end up accidentally insulting her because it had sounded far better in his head. He worried he might waste a hundred pieces or more of parchment because he kept trying to find the right words, only for him to mess up what he was trying to say each and every time, before finally giving up and sending something that was only a poor excuse of what he was wanted to say. Guinevere didn't deserve some pale imitation when she deserved to be romanced or wooed to the best of his abilities. And his writing…. that wouldn't convey that. Not truly

But this moment wasn't about Guinevere right now.

Though as much as Lancelot would love to feel stressed out about what kind of expression Guinevere would wear on her gentle face if she did manage to receive something from him, he had a duty that had to come before whatever his feelings were at the moment. He hadn't brought Merlin this far out of the gates to speak about what could have been, or what might still be if he gave it a chance and put his heart, life, and world on the line. It wasn't Lancelot's love life that was threatening to end him where he stood. It wasn't Lancelot's love life that caused him to be on guard and standoffish even with the people that he knew and trusted the most. It wasn't Lancelot's love life that caused him to look over his shoulder every few moments, as if he was worried that his only partner was about to come barreling out of nowhere and tackle him down into the ground to do who-knows-what with him. No, that was what Consort Merlin was doing right now, and what his life was like at the current moment. The boy might put on a good front, and might even know how to distract people, which was what he was doing now by bringing up Guinevere—and Lancelot could not have said for certain weather or not he was doing it on purpose or even knew he was doing it at al—but Lancelot wasn't fooled. Or distracted as easily as he might believe. Lancelot sighed heavily, and he tugged on the reins of his dark colored mare to get her to pull to a stop right there in the middle of the sheep field, and Merlin followed suit, though his brows were pulling together into the center of his forehead as if he didn't understand why they were stopping.

"Merlin—" Lancelot started, and stopping again as he tried to get his thoughts into some semblance of order. He had always been a quick thinker though, his feet almost always moving him to be where he needed to be before he realized it himself, and this was no different, the warrior thought as he raised himself to sit up higher, correcting his line of speech. "Consort Merlin—" and Merlin went straighter as well, as if the sound of his title made him realize this wasn't only a simple ride in the fields between friends who had been separated, wanting to spend a moment where it was just them. "You know when you handed me this sigil and decided to make me apart of your royal court… the first member to be able to claim that honor… officially." Lancelot made sure to add that bit to the end of what he was trying to say, because while Lancelot was bearing a noble seal that would give him entrance to places that was previously denied to him, he knew that there were others Merlin had already taken into his fold. Or… they had taken him into their fold. Gaius… Guinevere… Lady Morgana… people who came together, forged into one being, because they cared about each other as people, whether than what family they came from and what an alliance would bring them. Lancelot was so new at this, that it sometimes felt like a dream to be counted as one of the members to Merlin's own personal court, something that was separate from both Uther and Arthur, but had the makings to become something no less important. "I made a promise not only to you when I made my vows, but to myself as well. I promised to… to be your eyes whenever you are blind to what is happening in front of you. To be your ears should I come across something on the wind that might trouble you. To be your heart and a guiding light should life threaten to harden it beyond repair."

Perhaps it was an overstatement, Lancelot thought, as he saw the way that his consort's eyes had gone wide, as if he was still having trouble believing it was him who could inspire such loyalty. But Lancelot honestly felt as if he could be doing so much more for the consort. It was little skin off his back to become a different person—a better warrior—for the consort. If Merlin needed somebody to watch his back, then it would be Lancelot, who saw his new role in life being something more than just his job. He wanted to protect Merlin any way that he could. He needed to be the hands that could end lives if they were threatening the consort's. He needed to be the one that became the anchor to keep Merlin out of harms way. He needed to be the secret keeper, and hold everything that Merlin trusted him with deep in his chest. Merlin couldn't speak about how his marriage to Arthur came to be without facing some untold punishment, and he could not defend himself should he need to. Lancelot needed to be stronger in order to keep him safe. Needed to be smart enough to cut off anybody before they could reach him. Merlin's magic… now that was a hindrance in itself. That skillset could prove useful should it be necessary, especially if it surprises the man attacking him. But Lancelot wanted to make sure Merlin had no reason to draw forth a skill that would only cause him to be led away in chains. Nobody'd care if Merlin had used that skill to prevent himself from being assaulted in the most violent of ways. Lancelot would be a failure to his position if the consort had to draw fourth that power to protect himself from his own husband, but he would be a failure just the same if Merlin forced himself to swallow down all of the magic brimming away beneath his skin. Lancelot was sure there were some magic users that would prefer being assaulted to being outed as a sorcerer, to be hunted to the ends of the earth if they managed to escape. Lancelot was a wall—was going to be a wall—that needed to prevent tragedies like that from occurring. It was a carefully balanced beam of deceit, manipulations, carefully made choices, and thinking twice before he spoke in order to preserve all the secrets that's been handed to him.

"But, my consort, there are only so many ways that I can protect you if I don't know the full details of the situation or what has happened while I wasn't there to keep watch over you. There are… many ways to hurt a man, as I am sure you probably know, quite well." Lancelot continued to speak, looking at Merlin with stern and seriously solemn eyes. Merlin was looking a little unsettled now, with a little wiggling in his saddle to accompany the look, as if there was something on the tip of his tongue that he wasn't quite ready to speak out loud. It caused the dread to sink low into Lancelot's belly, fearing the worst things that could have happened, desolation and helplessness threatening to upend him off his own horse. Merlin wasn't a fighter. He could do his little magic tricks and could save the day when everybody else failed, but what could was such an ability if he was helpless to use it when it came to saving himself? Lancelot took in this deep and steadying breath, before forcing himself to come right on out to say it. "When you first arrived at the estate, you mentioned that you and the prince had an altercation during your travels. You said that he… tried to sleep… with you. What exactly did you mean when you said that? Merlin, if he has decided he has any right to… to… to do such things than I need to know. I need to know so that I can prepare myself—"

Lancelot stopped here, his hands going tightly around the reins of his horse as a means of steadying himself. He wasn't used to speaking threats, and he had never gone after somebody before he had met the prince with the intention of killing them. Though Lancelot was no stranger to the concept either. Lancelot had been forced to kill a small handful of men during his travels all around the kingdom's countryside when he had been training himself to be good enough for a spot in the royal army. But those few times had been horrible accidents that never should've happened… Lancelot not being properly trained with his weapon and believing himself better than he actually was during his youth. He had killed a bandit once when he came across the monster trying to rob some young mother and her infant child on an abandoned road. He had enough of a heart to feel the weight of those kills on him, the shame of knowing he could have done something different that would've preserved their lives. But if the day had come to where Lancelot would have to stain his hands red with blood from Camelot's Prince, his first real intentional kill, then it was something that simply needed to be done. If Arthur was a threat, then Lancelot would bathe in his blood before he allowed Merlin's hands to be stained.

"Uhh, oh, that again." Merlin did not seem to share the same sentiment as him, his body relaxing and going loose as he rolled his eyes with playful annoyance to them. Lancelot narrowed his eyes sharply onto the other boy suspiciously…it wasn't exactly like Merlin to pretend Arthur's actions weren't as horrible as they really were. In fact, Lancelot had a sinking suspicion that Merlin was two seconds away from lying through his own teeth. He didn't know why that was, as, besides when Merlin neglected to mention he was the famed consort that Lancelot was obsessed with meeting, the other had never lied to him. Perhaps it was the way Merlin's entire body had relaxed… it felt as if it had happened a touch too fast. As if Merlin was almost relieved, despite his words, that this is where Lancelot was bringing their conversation. But if that was true, then what problems could Merlin be thinking about that was somehow worse than Arthur forcing him to lay with him? "Lancelot, we both know that Arthur has to be the most selfish and inhuman person that I've ever met. I have seen the worse side to him, and been a victim to it more than once. But let me tell you, nothing was worse than when I woke up the morning before we got here and found that lard of an arse practically on top of me. He claims he wasn't doing anything, but he is a known liar, and there's… there's no telling what else he is lying about. But I do know I would rather sleep in a tree than risk waking up to that nightmare of a show again! He was… we aren't really married, and he was trying to hold me or something! Stupid fucking arsehole… obviously just trying to make sure that I didn't go running off into the forest or something while he was sleeping. Hard to run away unnoticed, I suppose, when he's got his hands on me."

Lancelot, at some point during Merlin's tyrant and rant, had started gaping like a fish, his mouth opening and closing in dumb shock. The words Merlin's used filtering in and out of his mind almost quicker than he could keep up with them …claimed he wasn't doing anything… on top of me… no telling what else Arthur is lying about… don't go running off… holding me… hands on me. It was all very abstract, but Lancelot was starting to get a clearer picture of what must have happened out there in the forest. Or at least he was hoping he was getting a better picture of what had happened out there in the forest. He wasn't sure if it was what he was thinking, but if it was… Lancelot wasn't sure if this is what he was meant to be thinking, but… honestly… Lancelot didn't know what it was he was supposed to be thinking right now. He had came into this conversation with Merlin believing he was about to find out Arthur was the absolutely worse kind of monster to walk this earth. He had came into this conversation thinking blood would be shed and the end was neigh and they would all have to try and make an escape into the woods once the Camelot knights at the estate figured out what Lancelot had done to their precious Prince. He had approached the consort believing that… he was the victim of a rape. But the way Merlin spoke now… it sounded as if something had definitely happened. But perhaps not the thing Lancelot had assumed it to be.

"I mean, it was the very first time he and I slept anywhere in the same vicinity as the other, and I only fucking allowed it because we were in the middle of a damn campsite and I figured there was only so much room we could have. He was being a bloody prat, of course, and everyone was looking at us and I just said fuck it and turned away from him to sleep. If he wants to put on a show to make us seem 'in love' and 'can't sleep apart' in front of his men, then he was more than welcome to do it without me actually being apart of it. But the guy's got more hands than a bloody sea creature! Nobody can tell me that he wasn't awake when he wrapped his bloody arm around me. I woke up and my fucking head was on his damn chest! I could hear his heartbeat through all the bloody chainmail he was wearing! Do you know when the last time he was that bloody close to me?! I don't even know! He didn't even try to let go when I woke up to find him like that! Was probably real pleased to get one over on me when I was too bloody out of it to stop him!"

Merlin was ranting like a madman, waving his arms up in the air and making his horse neigh softly as the consort accidentally tugged on its reins. Perhaps this was wrong of Lancelot, but as he got a more definite picture about what really happened out there, he could feel the bubble of amusement starting to burn in his veins. Like a bubble that was just waiting to pop. It wasn't exactly funny, as Arthur had a serious problem with keeping his hands to himself, but it felt near impossible to stop the bubble of laughter trying to escape his throat. It was as if the pressure that had been drowning Lancelot as he realized how impossible it was for him to protect Merlin when he was forced to keep a certain distance away from the main city. There was just something so relieving though, about knowing the truth of what really happened when compared to the horrible and disgusting misunderstanding that had been made. Lancelot was finally starting to understand a bit more about what Arthur meant during their fight whenever he said that Merlin had a habit of saying one thing but meaning something else entirely, through no fault of his own. Lancelot had assumed Arthur had simply been covering his tracks and trying to cast doubt onto Merlin's story, though perhaps, just this once… Arthur hadn't been telling him a story.

"But do we really have to stand out here and talk about Arthur when I already hear about him enough as it is? I swear, the man loves to talk about himself or how 'great' he is, or how 'grateful' I should be every time he deems me to be important enough to talk to. It's gotten to the point where it's an utter bore to just be around him." Merlin continued his rant without waiting to see whether or not Lancelot would say anything in response to his first rants. Lancelot kept watching him though, raising an eyebrow as his amusement dimmed… he had never heard Merlin refer to Arthur as a 'bore' before. Yes, the prince probably was considered a bore if he had to talk to somebody for a long length of time, and this somebody wasn't in awe over having a prince speaking to them, but… since when did Merlin dismiss Arthur like that? The consort was usually aware of Arthur at all moments of the day, if only so could know better how to avoid him, if nothing else. The wording was all… very odd… and made the hair stand up on the back of his neck. Merlin didn't seem to notice the suspicion coming to Lancelot's eyes, as he continued to ramble on to his heart's content, using the sheer volume of words as an admirable attempt to distract Lancelot, "I do want to focus more on why we are really out here though. Now, I have serious thoughts on getting a road out out here so that it's easier and quicker to get to a few of the neighboring towns, possibly to get a trade route of sorts started and hopefully get this estate out of the shambles wreck it's in. But I wanted to pick your brain about how you would think we could keep it defended. I don't want people facing bandits or such without means of finding safety—"

Merlin continued to ramble on and on and on about this road of his and all the different kinds of defenses he was thinking about, most of them were probably impractical in the beginning but no less well thought out, without allowing the warrior to actually speak up to add his own input. But that was more than okay, the warrior thought as he continued to watch Merlin. He would continue taking this time to try and find out exactly what Merlin was hiding from him. It wasn't what Merlin was saying that had his suspicions rose, but the things that Merlin was not saying, that made Lancelot so keen on figuring it out. Merlin really was trying to hide something from him, and make no mistake… the warrior knew he was going to figure it out. And considering how Merlin had this sudden desire to stay at the estate for good… it would be no surprise to Lancelot that Arthur had a lot to do with that decision.

X

'I don't know exactly when my obsession for Merlin really started. I sometimes feel as if it snuck up on me, and by the time I noticed it was there, by the time I was aware enough to acknowledge it wasn't going away anytime soon, it soon became clear to me that it had sunken itself deep into my skin. So beneath the surface of my body that I couldn't scrub myself clean no matter all of the many times I would bathe myself. By the time I tried cleansing myself of these horrid thoughts and odd urges and even weirder nightmares, Merlin had already gone and buried himself into my very blood. As if every nerve ending and vein inside my body had suddenly became alive just because he was near to me. It almost feels as if I have been… asleep for a very long time and didn't even know it and Merlin's presence was the only thing that woke me up. But to be honest… I still feel as if I'm asleep sometimes. As if I'm going to wake up and realize all of the many things that have caused me to freak out over the past five months I have known him was only my imagination. I'm scared when I finally 'do' wake up, it's only going to be to find out that Merlin never existed at all and I simply ended up creating him in my mind, nothing more than a figment of my imagination to haunt me.'

'Hell… I don't know why I am even speaking about this now, to you of all, when I have never spoken about this kind of stuff to another living soul ever since it started happening to me. But perhaps it's easier to speak to you since I do not have to censor myself… you are one of the only people that actually know the true circumstances of how I tied myself to my consort. I hardly even know the other two knights that brought him into my life, and my father… I think that my father would rather have me burned at the pyre than listen to the plights that's turned my life inside out the day that boy walked into my life. All of this… it has been bottled up inside of me for so long, that it finally feels as if I'm about two seconds away from spewing. And I cannot do that after we return to the city or hellfire will burn should my father discover the truth of the depravity that I find near impossible to escape from. And if my father doesn't see to make my own perversions end, then it will be my consort that will pay the prince. And I can't have that even more than I can have myself strapped to a thunk of wood that's ready to be lit beneath my feet.'

'I am sure your father would not do such a thing to you, his only heir.'

'Ha! His only heir. Perhaps that is really the only thing that would spare my life should he discover how deeply my perversions run. But my consort would not have the same luxury that I do, so what would spare his life for crimes that are of my own making? God… the day my father spoke to me and told me that I've been arranged to marry another man since before I was born, a male born to a peasant line at that, I was ready to hate him before I even met him. But I felt as if I didn't have to meet him. Back then, I had simply assumed that every man of below average wealth was the same as any other, and that this man I would be tied to was simply going to use me for my connections and my gold and could only ever embarrass the Pendragon Family Name. It caused literal hatred to be burning in my veins at the mere idea of losing everything that I have worked so hard towards, because one man would suddenly have full access to everything that I considered to be mine. And then… then I actually met him! Do you know I did not even know who he was when I first met him? Yes, he walked with a full swagger of confidence that spoke of a bold nature I have never before seen in a peasant, but it also spoke of a man simply too stupid to realize who would be considered his betters. But perhaps stupidity is too strong a word… perhaps it simply spoke of a man who knew I was better than him in terms of status, but also simply didn't care enough to run and scurry away like most others would if they saw me coming. The point I am trying to make, Leon, is that this wasn't the way I thought a man would act when striding into my kingdom and knowing it would only be a short few days before he practically owned it. And then that brat goes and tries to punch me in front of everybody! Did you know that! Did you know he tried to punch me the day we met?'

'I did, sire, although I do believe most people think it was nothing more than a before marital spat being taken place, rather than it being a misunderstanding and a case of mistaken identity being taken to the extreme by two people who have never met before.'

'Oh, that's just the nice way of saying it, Leon, because there wasn't any kind of misunderstanding that day. Merlin has already proven that to me at least a dozen times or more in the last five months that I have known him, that he'd have reacted to me exactly the same way had he known I was the man that he was to be married to. I think… no, I know… that was when my true fascination for him really started. He was just so vibrant back then, a cocky little spitfire that had no idea what he had walked into, but wouldn't have backed away if he did know. I would have followed him all over the city if I could, simply because he was something new and I wanted to see more of him. But then… then it was the day of our wedding, and I saw him standing on top of the steps beside me as if he was always meant to be there, and I felt… I don't know… betrayed, in a way, I guess. I had convinced myself he knew who I was the whole time and all he had done before our wedding was simply an act designed to get my focus and attention onto him. I obviously realized later on that he truly didn't know it was me, but that hatred, even when I had no real reason to hate him… it stayed with me. And then five months later, here we are, and I have no idea how much of me could be changed in such a short timeframe. It honestly doesn't feel real half the time, and that's why I'm so paranoid Merlin is going to go up in smoke if I take my eyes off of him. He's… he's too good for this world. And it took five bloody months for me to realize how good. And I don't… I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know what is wrong with me.'

'There is nothing wrong with you, sire. I believe five months can be considered an adequate amount of time for one's feelings to change regarding the person they are married to.'

'Yes! Somebody that I am married to! But Leon, do you not understand! I have spent so many months hurting him, ripping him apart again and again because I thought it would be fun to put him back together however I wanted to. It was something that I took pleasure in! I would have utterly destroyed him, and I do know for a fact that I would have laughed in enjoyment even when he begged me to stop. I… the only reason I am telling you this is so that you understand it for yourself! So that you know exactly how depraved and dark I am. I deserve to burn in the pits of hell for what I have done to him. And I deserve to have my eyes feasted on by the crows for everything I continue to dream about since it first entered my head. I don't deserve to stand in his mere presence, and yet it continues to kill me every time he is out of my sight. I just… I don't know what I can do about all of this, because I know that I cannot go on very much longer before something in me snaps. And I am… terrified that when I do… that he will end up lost in the crossfire and end up hurt once again because of something that I have done to him.'

'Arthur, forgive me if this is a delicate question, but the dreams… are they the only thing that you feel for him? I mean, the dreams were you… touch him and are intimate with him, are they the only thing that you wish to do? Or are there other things you have neglected to mention to me. Things that would draw the attention you have for Merlin to you that is not… purely physical.'

'What! Of course there are other things about Merlin that draws my attention to him! I do not believe I would be having these nightmares at all if I didn't like what I saw of him already. I have been obsessed with him long before all these nightmares have started manifesting. You see… you think of obsession as if it was merely a word, something to be said but has no real meaning to you since you have never lived with this… aching hunger in the pit of your gut that drives you to be near somebody. He has been on my mind every waking moment ever since he first tried to punch me, whether because I hated him or not, and this ache in my soul has driven me to insanity. I feel as if… as if he's part of me on the inside, snd without him in my life… I'm not whole. Every work he speaks is the tongue of innocents driving me to protect him while making me be thrilled and fascinated both just to hear his perspective on things I have never before considered. But his behavior makes me wish I could tear my hair out, because of how many situations he has thrown himself into these last five months that I have had nothing to do with, that very well could have seen him killed or hurt by things that were out of my hand. There have been times where I've wanted to… to kill my own men, who have sworn their loyalty to me, because I saw the way they have treated my consort all this time behind my back. And there have been more times than I could count where I wish I could be allowed to feed his food to him because it… god, Leon, it THRILLS ME to see him eating. To know that I have provided him wish such a basic need that he has tried denying for himself in the past. And you don't want to know how many times I have tried to shower him in gifts for one reason or the other, only to be frustrated because he does not WANT anything my riches as a prince could give him. I want to be allowed to show him the world, and to see the way his eyes glow as he can be granted all the knowledge he desires. He's far smarter than I ever gave him the credit for before, and that's without the proper education. He even spends his time studying under Gaius, did you know that? My consort isn't sitting around counting my riches. He is working beneath his uncle, mixing herbs or whatever Gaius has him doing that I am not privy to knowing. But… see? This is what he does to me! I could sit here and ramble to you for a lifetime before I even know that a lifetime has passed, as long as his name burns on my lips.'

'Arthur, perhaps this is also another delicate question, and I don't want you to be upset if it turns out that I'm wrong, but are you… have you ever considered the fact that you might be… might be gay?"

X

Arthur Pendragon had been going through a difficult time when his knight had found him in an empty corridor throwing his guts out all over the floor and only a mere two seconds from collapsing into his own sick after he had managed to escape from Jacqui being upset over something so minor. He could just barely remember Leon grabbing him from behind by his arms and easing him around a pile of his own sick so he could lead the prince further away from the horrid smell that made his belly roil and lurch. It was hard to remember much after he had the image of Merlin, sitting in that little garden the estate managed all by himself while Jacqui cursed his interests, and the phantom burn of lips around his flaccid cock a permanent reminder as to how awful he was. Arthur might've fallen into mad rambles that he couldn't stop, words after words spewing from his lips that he couldn't remember saying before he managed to get control of his faculties once again. But by the time Arthur had been able to curb what he was saying, he feared that it might've already been too late. Arthur didn't think he had gone into the deeper details… he didn't bare his soul as he explained to Leon all the many different ways Arthur had wanted to hurt his consort. Arthur hadn't explained about the collar and chains still hiding beneath his bed while waiting for somebody who would never know they were there. He didn't try to explain how viciously he had once wanted to tear into Merlin's skin, and Arthur didn't explain the plans he had been making before Merlin had drunk a goblet of poison just to get away from him and changed everything. There were some things that were too personal for even Arthur to get into, even during all of the mad rambles he had subjected himself to.

Arthur supposed he should have been grateful it was Leon that had found him and not anybody else, because he had still shared more than he would've. He had spent much of his time stressing to Leon about the deep obsession he had for Merlin, and how dangerous it was because of how inescapable it was. How even when he tried to be good and did everything the best he could, he found that it was still present enough to continue driving wedges between Merlin and him, leaving him just as stuck on how to fix his relationship. He had stressed to the point of pain how Merlin haunted him like a ghost, and how he was always so close to touching but was forbidden by Merlin. How he stressed himself out because of his desire to protect Merlin and heal him and make him happy, but how out of his depth he was about all of this. Arthur had, after all, never been the one to put in the work needed to get on somebody's good side, it's always been other people chasing him down and sucking up to him and doing insane things because they thought it would please him or win him his favor. And how Merlin wasn't like that at all, and how he had turned his back on Arthur, all but written him off the face of the planet because of their blood filled past. He had whispered to Leon with shame beneath his breath over how he wished for their lives to be different, for Arthur to have known better when they met, so that he could be good right from the start. How he had ruined his life forever after the way he had treated Merlin, and how these dreams were forever there, being a constant reminder to Arthur about how epically fucked he truly was.

Leon had seemed quite surprised at the beginning of Arthur's spiral, once the prince started talking more coherently. But he had listened without saying one word for the longest time, allowing Arthur to speak everything that's plagued him for months now. It was the first time Arthur had managed to get this off of his chest, the first time he was letting somebody else carry the weight coming from his burdens. And the longer Arthur had spoke, the more he continued, as the knight listened to him with an opened ear. Arthur had never thought it was possible for him to find somebody that he could speak with like this, he never thought he could say the things he was saying without the person he spoke to looking at him with disgust or terror in their eyes. Leon seemed impassive for the most part, nodding his head and not interrupting when Arthur was stuck in the middle of trying to say something, but unable to find the proper words that would explain it. Arthur had never known there was somebody so close by that he could have spoken with all this time… it wasn't as if they were friends. Now Markus was Arthur's friend, but Arthur couldn't imagine saying one sentence of what he had said to Leon to Markus. Markus would have looked horrified at the mere prospect of what Arthur had been going through, and would've told him he simply needed to find a girl to get over all of this. Because that was the answer to every problem Markus had ever had in his life. But Leon was clearly made out of a different cloth… he had once simply been the older boy Arthur had watched training when he was too young to participate. The older boy that had taken the time out of his day to teach Arthur a few maneuvers with his old training sword, some that he even used today when he was in a pinch.

Maybe he could be a friend… or Arthur's conscious since he tethered right on the brink of humanity.

And then Leon had said what he said… that question that made his ears start to ring…

Do you think you might be gay?

Arthur honestly wasn't sure if he had heard Leon right… do you think you may be gay? It wasn't such a forbidden question, something that hung in the dark recesses of seedy neighborhoods and taverns where the depraved would have gone. It was a question riddled with sin that Arthur had never dared to ask for fear of being caught… a question that Arthur had never thought of whenever it came to himself. He still didn't know how a question came to be… it was such a stupid thought. Him? Prince Arthur Pendragon, the sole heir to the kingdom and whose duty would someday include siring a child of his own to carry their bloodline into the next generation… being gay. There was… Arthur supposed… his insides twisting and turning at the thought, that there was nothing wrong with being gay. Perhaps Arthur had thought there was at some point, willing to turn his back and walk away the second he noticed something that was out of the normal heterosexual world he had grown up in. He had always thought the people who… partook in such behaviors… were no better than deviants, as his father had told him before as a child. And he might even still think that, but he didn't think it was as black and white as he had thought it was. Merlin made it no secret where his orientation lay, and his consort was angelic and pure and the exact opposite of what Arthur thought a deviant should be like. And Arthur would take his blade to any man who thought Merlin was only good enough to be himself in the back of some seedy tavern. But Leon was still staring at him as if he was expecting Arthur to have some big philosophical answer, but the prince had been pretty blindsided by this.

"But… I like women."

It was the only thing Arthur felt he could say that would explain everything, as he blinked dumbly at the older knight sitting on the floor beside him. It's been women for Arthur, and… that was all there was to it. It was what was expected of Arthur, and something that he had never thought twice about. He started to notice the girls in the court when he was almost fourteen, at least two years or so after his friends had started talking about them, but he had still noticed the changing bodies of those in his age group. He had lost his virginity to an older woman of the court when he was seventeen, a good year or so after the other boys he hung around with started losing theirs, but it had still happened! The event had been very… spur of the moment and had only really happened since his friends had practically shoved him at her and she had been very willing, he remembered. Arthur hadn't known what the hell he was doing back then, but it hadn't been the last time he was with someone. He's been with a small handful of other women since that day, all of them being moments of opportunity and there being nothing else to do while their fathers discussed business. But the encounters were all moments that proved Arthur's heterosexuality and proved his manhood.

"But do you really, Arthur? I know that I wasn't exactly around much during the teenage years of your life, since I was working on improving my skills so that I can raise in the ranks of knighthood. But that doesn't mean I wasn't there, and it doesn't mean I wasn't always watching. What I mean—" Leon quickly started to say when Arthur surged up in his spot, staring at him in utter shock at what those words meant. Leon was watching… watching him do what? Had he done something in the past, before he had even known Merlin and got twisted up on the inside because of him, that would have been considered something a gay man would have done? Arthur had heard a few stereotypes in the past, but he hadn't ever seen himself doing something… something that a gay man would do! He… Arthur didn't even know what to do with that kind of information. He kept running memories back in his mind, memories that included him training on the fields and doing his lessons, and beginning to participate in meetings of the court. But there was nothing that came to mind that would've fitted one of the stereotypes, but… Merlin didn't really fit any stereotypes himself. It looked as if Merlin was in a box that was entirely his own, or perhaps he was inside of no box at all, free to spread his wings and completely unapologetic about who and what he was. It was a freedom Arthur had never known, and a freedom he would never know. "Is that I have never seen you take a real interest in any of the ladies among the court. Yes, you talk to them and you behave just like you should in their presence, but you have never purposely sought one out. None of them, and there had been many who have tried flaunting themselves in front of you in the past, seem to have caught your eye. Even that whole thing going on with you and Lady Clarissa, the little bit I've heard, seemed as if it ended up being extremely short lived, if it even took off to begin with. Just think about it for a minute, Arthur. Have you ever felt excited when a lady tries to catch your attention, or has your belly ever grew warm with desire thinking about one, or have you ever caught yourself thinking about a woman even when she was not near you to begin with?"

Arthur reeled back in surprise, blinking rapidly as words he never thought that he would have heard coming from Leon… came from Leon. His mouth fell open and closed silently, like a gaping fish that was two seconds away from getting a hook through their mouth. Leon was making it sound as if he wasn't normal for not having those kinds of reactions. Sure, Arthur had never been excited to see a lady wanting his attention, but that was because they ALL wanted to be the one that caught his eye. Arthur could have been the worse looking man on the planet, and they still would have been chasing him simply for his title. That made the entire thing boring, compared to the lesser knights who may actually have to work a bit to woo a woman into their arms. And Arthur's belly actually HAS been warmed with desire for a woman before… whenever he was on top of her and pleasuring her to completion. And sure, maybe Arthur's had to tug on himself a few times to reach full mast, but that was hardly his fault, since it was a hard life he lead. He spent most of his days exhausted because he was always having to do one thing after the next, unable to relax or pause until the hour has grown so late that the only thing left for him to do was fall on top of his bed. He hardly had the energy to keep up on some days, so it made sense that it took him a little bit of work to get himself worked up, there was nothing wrong with that. It was perfectly normal! And as he said before, he had just so many duties and so many responsibilities that came with his station, that there was simply no time to waste thinking about some girl that wasn't going to end up becoming his future queen—back when he still thought there was a queen to be had. Hell, the only person he's ever thought about when he didn't need to was… Merlin. But that was also a pretty reasonable expectation. Merlin was his… his consort. And he had needed Arthur to be his stepping stone and the guiding hand to ease him into the life of the royal court. Arthur pulled his arms closer into his body defensively.

"You know, Leon, you are beginning to sound just like Morgana spoke when me and Merlin were first married. She was always on my case about how I treated Merlin and such. Of course, I know that she was right. But she was also always harping on about me 'giving him a chance' and 'trying to work things out with each other.' I think she's largely given up on the notion now, but my dreams or obsession or whatever else you want to call it are not signs that I… that I have the hots for Merlin or something!" Arthur exclaimed, his face almost flushing in a deep red shade to reflect his irritation. He had opened up his heart and told Leon things he had not told anybody else in this world, and this was what the other man was going to give him? Just another person trying to get Arthur to look on the bright side of his marriage. Well, Arthur had already looked on the bright side of his marriage, and perhaps he didn't altogether hate what it was he was seeing. Arthur was actually—dare he say it?— GRATEFUL that it'd been Merlin he was married off to. He had done so much for their kingdom is such a short span of time, and had done more than what would have been reasonably expected of him. Hell, if Merlin had actually been born a woman, then perhaps Arthur wouldn't find it hard to be interested in her. But Merlin didn't need to be a woman either, because he was bloody well perfect just the way he was, and all of this was Arthur's obsession to deal with, and it had absolutely nothing to do with 'feelings' or 'liking him' like Leon seemed to think. "For Pete's sake, do forgive me if I sound crass to you, but I have bloody well found myself sleeping with women before. Several of them, in fact. And I have enjoyed them when it's happened! If I was… if I were into men, then I know for a fact that this wouldn't have been the case. I wouldn't have, I mean… I wouldn't have… reacted… when I was with them the way I did."

Arthur found himself stuttering near the end of what he was trying to say, after realizing how embarrassing of a conversation he had just walked into. He knew he was not about to explain to Leon how 'hard' he got whenever he was having a moment with one of the 'admittedly' few he had been on. Going down a path like that was going too far even for Arthur, who hadn't yet met a boundary that he hadn't shoved over if it got in his way. But it didn't negate what Arthur had been trying to say to begin with! Arthur had simply been explaining that all he has been saying about his obsession with Merlin was all being absolutely taken out of context by Leon. Arthur was bloody twenty summers old! And he would be turning twenty one summers in only a handful of months! Wouldn't he have KNOWN by his age if he found the male form pleasing! He hadn't! And he had been in states of undress among his men dozens of times before, it almost felt unavoidable considering the close quarters knights had to keep. And his eyes had never wandered over the body of the guy standing next to him. He'd never even thought about it! And surely if it was MEN that he wanted, Arthur would have never been able to lay with a woman to begin with. Arthur admittedly only knew very little about how all this worked, and what little he did know came to him by Merlin, who wasn't exactly the best source of knowledge due to how he was naive to certain matters. But Arthur was sure his cock would have became flaccid and still if he hadn't been interested in the women he has bedded. That was what being gay was about, yes? Only getting… interested… if it was a man lying beside you? Well, that wasn't Arthur!

"These women you were with… did you 'react' to them because you were really interested in what they were doing or what you were seeing? Did you feel your blood pumping south because you wanted to take things all the way? Or did it more or less 'happen' because you felt as if that was something you had been told you were meant to feel." Leon spoke in a calm and decisive tone, as if this conversation wasn't bothering him in the least. And as if this wasn't the most mortifying conversation Arthur has ever had in his entire life. And Arthur's had some pretty EMBARRASSING conversations with Merlin in the past. But it was this one… this one that had to take the cake for how flustered Arthur could feel himself getting. How defensive as well, the prince noted as his heckles started to rise. How could Leon have said all of that with a straight face? How could he have claimed Arthur didn't know his own body as well as he did! Nobody's told Arthur what he was meant to feel when he had a woman in his arms! It had just been… expected of him. And Arthur wasn't going to question something that's been working good for him all these years! It was so stupid for him to not even shut this conversation down flat before Leon got any stupid ideas. "Because I do not know how extensive your sexual education was when your body started to change from boyhood to man, but my tutors made sure to explain to me that just because I 'reacted' down there doesn't always mean what I think it means. You could have 'reacted' to a woman in your arms simply because she had put pressure against you and was stimulating you. Sometimes the body reacts if it is being touched, but that doesn't mean you feel any real desire."

Arthur bristled sharply, even as his brows started creasing his confusion after hearing Leon sprouting the oddest kind of drivel. It… this wasn't something he should be listening to. He should just stand up and walk away right this second before his father came flying out of nowhere and demanded to know what they were going on about. Just the mere words were enough to make Arthur feel as if his heartbeat had started to pick up, leaving him awkward and unsure about what he should do with himself, just like the first time he'd ever seen a woman unclothed and knowing he shouldn't look but unable to stop himself. This was kind of life that, and Arthur could feel the sweat on his palms because of such an… uncouth topic. Arthur was the prince of Camelot! He shouldn't be talking of such things of this nature! It was below him, and it was dirty, and things like this should only be spoken behind closed doors. Not when he was sitting right on his bottom in the middle of an open hallway where anybody could hear the forbidden topic. Arthur's heartbeat grew faster and faster and faster the more he sat there without crucifying Leon for talking about such thing, but he licked at his incredibly dry lips, his hands clenching and unclenching around the top of his knees as if they couldn't be stopped. Anxious, he was. That they would be caught. That they would be taught a lesson or dishonored publicly. Having their PRINCE entertain such ideas… not possible.

"W-what do you mean?"

The words escaped Arthur without him meaning to, his voice raspy as they all but fell out of his mouth. Arthur almost didn't recognize his own voice, and he felt his heartbeat freezing stark still when Leon turned to look at him with one of his brows lifted. He had probably been expecting Arthur to shut him down, not ask him questions about it. Hell, if Arthur was a good prince, then that was exactly what he should have done. But he didn't, some empty and hallow part of him that seemed embedded in his very bones screaming at him to find any kind of answer to questions he had never asked before. He was willing to do just about anything to find out why he couldn't release his obsession on Merlin no matter how much it hurt them both. Wanted to know why he kept having all these dreams that made his body react as if it was on fire and Merlin's touch—non-existent as it actually was—made him both burn even brighter and cool off as if it was the only thing he needed in the world. Perhaps this was going to be a very… unorthodox approach that Arthur shouldn't be exploring, but Arthur's here already and… this might be the last and only time he ever got the chance to speak about something so… forbidden.

"Well, I don't really know how else to explain it. The body is basically different nerves and sensations and each different part of it reacts differently. You have certain places on the body that are more sensitive to others, yes? But you are not going to be aroused simply because your body reacts if a cold breeze gets you, right?" Leon asked him, his tone softer and gentler before, as if he knew as well as Arthur that he was only two seconds away from jumping to his feet and sprinting away as fast as his feet could carry him. But Arthur, tense as he was, gave one short nod of his head to say he understood. There's been many times when Arthur had gotten undressed before bed and had gotten hard just because he had been hit by a stiff breeze coming in from his windows. Or the room hadn't yet been heated and there was a chill in the air. Arthur had been hard, yes, but he usually didn't do anything about it. He simply stuffed himself away in his pants and went to sleep, softening up at some point whenever he started to relax. Sometimes…. Sometimes, Arthur thought as he curled himself up into a somewhat tighter ball, he got more hard from simply doing nothing than when he had been with a woman. But… but that didn't mean anything or prove anything. It simply meant that Arthur needed to try harder! Or… fuck, he thought as he squeezed his hand tighter around his knee. He couldn't try hard at all. He had already promised his loyalty to Merlin… losing sex with random women he wasn't interested in had hardly seemed like a deep price to pay for Arthur, considering he knew firsthand how furious Merlin got over the prince disrespecting their vows by being with another. "Whenever your body reacts like it does to… a stiff breeze or because you moved wrong or got your blood pumping for one reason or another, it simply causes your brain to send signals to the rest of your body. If you touch yourself, then it only makes sense for the body to react, yes? So if somebody you have no desire to touches you and the more sensitive parts of your body, then it's just your brains way of trying to tell you that's something is happening. Do you understand, so far?"

Leon was still speaking to Arthur as if he was a skittish colt that would make a run the first chance he saw, and the prince wanted to resent the knight trying to 'ease him into things.' He wanted to be indignant and explode that he didn't need to be coddled or treated as if he couldn't handle hearing about things of this nature. But the truth was… Arthur probably did need to be handled with a more gentler touch if he was going to get through this. Everything the knight was telling him, of course, made perfect sense though Arthur had never really thought much about the brain and how it controls the body, other than what he was taught in his brief anatomy lessons designed to teach him the uses of the body and how to keep it healthy and strong. But it still wasn't relevant to why he was having the dreams he was having! Why they continued to haunt him or how his brain had gotten his wires crossed until it saw Merlin in such a way. He was really starting to feel as if he was speaking to Morgana again. There had been a time, when Arthur had been in his room not long after Merlin had drunk that poisoned goblet to get away from him, and it had been Morgana who had explained to him the many different ways it was possible to abuse someone. It was all information Arthur didn't want to hear, because he had checked off the boxes for each and every example she had given, and finally shedding a light on the prince as to why Merlin kept screaming about how he was abusing him.

"I cannot say I am much of an expert on the topic because I have never been through a situation that is quite like yours, but I think it might be prudent for you to open your mind a little. I know there is much difference between you being with somebody… a woman… because it's something you are used to or something that is simply done. And being with somebody that you truly want and desire. Perhaps you simply need to think openly about what you want to have in a partner and decide whether or not gender is relevant to you at all. It could be that I am completely wrong about where I'm going with this, or I may not be wrong at all. Your mind has been filled to the brim with Merlin so much that you are dreaming about him… maybe you simply need to think about that differently. You could simply be attractive to his personality… Merlin is quite a bold sort and not one that I have ever seen before in any man or woman. If it's that case though, then it wouldn't matter to you that Merlin is male. Or maybe you are simply attracted to Merlin, if you haven't shown any interest in another male before. It's not exactly unheard of for people to find perfection with just one other person, rare as you actually hear about it. But there's a wide variety of different sexual orientations, far more than I could ever explain or even act as if I am more knowledgeable than I am on the topic. For all I know, it could be that Merlin is simply your… one exception, which isn't nearly as rare as you'd think it was. But really, Arthur, you are probably the only person that can give a real answer as to what you are, even whether you want to label it or not would have to be answered by you."

Leon spoke as if this was all very matter of factly, speaking as if what he said were known facts or something everybody should know. But Arthur felt it when the pure sparks of panic were starting to race down the length of his spine, all but screaming at him to ABORT ABORT ABORT! He didn't know what to do as his mind whirled and whirled and whirled with everything Leon had said… he'd spoken about Arthur being 'attracted' to Merlin as if it was already something that had been decided. As if Arthur wasn't just confused or simply sick in the head for thinking the way he did. But maybe it was Leon that was really sick in the head! Here he was, sprouting off about things like there being… too many sexualities for him to suggest Arthur could be, as if the prince wasn't firmly on the straight side of things. The RIGHT side of things! When as far as the blond knew, the only sexualities they had was either straight or gay. You were either one or the other, or… at least that was what the prince had always thought. But here Leon was, saying things like… being attracted to Merlin's personality and that made Merlin's maleness irrelevant! Or that Arthur only found attraction for Merlin, as if his presence simply erased the millions in the world that could've soothed the ache Arthur would sometimes get between his legs. Or that Merlin could be his… what had Leon said?… his one exception? Arthur couldn't even begin to understand what that meant! Everything he was being told was much more complex than he had ever thought possible! Hell, Arthur was almost sure that Leon was making half of this stuff up to make Arthur sound as if he could be completely normal when compared to some of the other people out there in the world.

"You don't know what you are talking about Leon! I thought you were going to help me! Not sprout out a bunch of random information that has nothing to do with me at all! I'm not gay! And I'm most certainly not gay for Merlin! The only thing that I want is for him to understand that I have seen the error of my ways in how I treat him! That hardly means I see him as if he could be a potential life partner! A partner, yes. But a romantic partner? I mean, it's not as if I have any desire to go up and try kissing him or something as insane as that! And is that not want people in real relationships do? Don't they go out and be romantic or kiss each other whenever the urge happens to strike them?! I'm not like that at all! I don't have any desire to woo Merlin or romance him into the sun or press a few dozen kisses to his lips or… or… or shower him with the flowers that he's in love with and—"

Arthur cut himself off before he could say another word that would only leave him digging a digger hole for him to bury himself in, almost feeling the way the color drained out of his face as he caught onto what he had said. Here Arthur was, insisting that such a thing as 'romantic feelings' didn't exist between him and Merlin, and yet… there was a sprinkle of truth in what he had been saying that not even he could deny. Had Arthur or had he not once taken Merlin on a date out to the marketplace barely a month ago? Yes, the date had only been a ruse for Arthur to get the other boy alone so they could finally talk properly for the first time, and it had ended in a complete failure, but it wouldn't have been ended in Arthur had his say. And he would have taken Merlin out on a dozen or so different outings and 'dates' if the other boy had liked what the prince had done enough the first time to do it again and again and again. He would have brought Merlin bloody wildflowers just to make him smile so that he would be willing to talk to Arthur more, instead of simply allowing him to tag along on a date he had came up with. He HAD brought Merlin bloody wildflowers before, all those months ago, when he finally woken up from being poisoned and the prince had needed something to give him as a 'get well soon' and 'I'm sorry I spent so many months terrorizing you' gift. They had ended up thrown on the floor by Merlin in a fit of well-deserved rage, but he had still done it. And… the kisses… fuck. Arthur had kissed Merlin that same day, even though there was no reason to, unless one counted him wanting to impress onto Merlin that he's sorely interested in men, which was only to soothe Arthur's ego more than it'd been to enforce Merlin's real sexuality onto the consort. But nothing ended for them… for him. Why. It was just a couple of days ago that Arthur had stressed himself out over how he was going to get Merlin's consent to kiss him… just to prove he was far better at it than Merlin thought he was. But… but that was all perfectly normal! Arthur had something to prove, and he wanted Merlin to feel lucky to have such a great kisser as his husband, and… straight men would do the exact same thing Arthur was doing now if somebody questioned what their abilities as a lover were! But… why the hell did Arthur remember what Merlin's favorite flower was after almost three months since that dreadful day!

"Arthur, I am not saying any of this to freak you out! I am simply trying to help you understand what is happening to you or why you might fret the way you've been feeling. I mean… perhaps you do not remember as well as I do, but I was THERE, Arthur. I was there all those months ago when your consort stood up in front of your father and the Mercian king. And I was there when you reacted to his poisoning! Arthur… you almost looked as if you were a wild animal with the way you stood guard over him. You would have been willing to attack anybody, even your own people, if they tried to approach you during that moment! And I was the one that you choose to stand watch over him as you ran off to get the cure he needed to continue living. Nearly fifteen years I have known you, sire, and there has never been a time in which I have seen you lose control like you did when your consort was placed in danger. Whether you feel anything of this nature towards your consort or not, which would be entirely your prerogative and nobody's business but your own if you did, even you cannot deny that you feel SOMETHING for him. Something that is more than just… guilt for what has happened between the two of you in the past. You just ADMITTED to me what you dream about in regard to him, and yet you still deny what might have to be the most obvious answer."

Arthur's hands started to shake around his knees, he could feel the way they were trembling and vibrating as if he had no control of them at all. Leon made it sound so easy, as if he could just pick one of the many things Leon's already thrown out there at him. Could like Merlin's personality. It might not matter to him if Merlin was male. Merlin might be his only exception. Perhaps he should have found it easy to just pick something and decide to deal with whatever he had to face next because of it. Merlin certainly had no troubles declaring what he liked. But Arthur's throat felt as if somebody had tied a noose around it and was slowly pulling the rose, constricting it tighter and tighter and tighter until it left him choking and sputtering and desperate for that one single breath of relief he needed. He could… he could remember the day that Leon had been talking about, he could remember it so clearly that it felt as if it had happened just yesterday. How could he forget? It had been the day that had started all of this, and the day that had ended Arthur for better or worse. He still felt all the terror that had came to him when he had thought he was about to lose Merlin, and not because someone was trying to take him but because Merlin himself wanted to get away from him. He could remember carrying Merlin's limp body over his shoulder, running like he had never ran before a day in his life, until he had gotten him to his uncle's so he could be examined. He could remember all but crying over his bedside while Gaius tried kicking him out, because as he'd said… Arthur had done enough to Merlin. But he… he had just been scared and concerned about somebody being desperate enough to take their own life just to get away from him. It didn't mean anything… it didn't…

"Stop it… stop it…"

Arthur wanted to put his hands over his ears and drown out everything that the other knight was trying to tell him, until everything that was going on was only white noise meant to be a distraction from the real problems that'd been going on in his head and his heart and now even his pants. But Arthur had done all of this to himself. It was his fault for obsessing over Merlin, and not even the boy could be to blame. It was his fault for not being able to control his dreams like he felt he should, if only to keep Merlin's honor and modesty. It was his bloody fault for allowing his lips to be loose and speak such filth to Leon… of course it would all lead to what Leon was trying to tell him. Arthur had just admitted that he had bloody SEX DREAMS about his very male consort, and more than once, so it wasn't a bloody fluke like he had inevitably decided the first one must've been. It was perfectly logical for Leon to make the conclusions that he'd gone and made about him, but logic had nothing to do with anything. It didn't make any sense! None of it! Arthur had never… had never… no male had ever caught his eye the way Merlin had before. Hell, no female had caught Arthur's eye as Merlin had. But… they had a complicated relationship so it was only natural to have Arthur's curiosities be… aroused when his consort was so different from all that he's ever known before. But that meant nothing! And Leon was simply overreaching to try and give Arthur an answer. They were the wrong answers, of course, but that was simply because Leon didn't understand one bit about the complexities that he felt for Merlin. Arthur didn't even know what he would have preferred the answers to be, but whatever he felt… it was much stronger than the perversions Leon seemed to think. Whatever it was… it reached above the stars and would take the vast amount of the universe to explain a fraction of what Arthur felt. That was why he knew these perversions didn't mean what Leon said. People who… who lusted such as this did not want to put others on a pedestal and worship them where they stood.

"No, Arthur. This is something that is clearly tearing you up on the insides and I don't know how you are even holding it together for as long as you have been this whole time. There are some people who would have probably gotten taken to an asylum by this point for dealing with what's happened—" Leon started to say, shaking his head in amazement at how not even he had noticed what had been going on with the prince. Though Arthur cut off the other knight with this harsh laugh that sounded almost like a wet sob, as he brought a hand up into his hair, gripping the blond strands with as much force as he could muster as he rested his elbow on his knee for purchase. Holding himself together? What in the world made Leon think Arthur was holding himself together. He was two seconds away from handing his angel a bloody dagger, getting down onto his knees, and holding out his arms so that Merlin could finally slash away at him until there was nothing left of him to give. It would be his penance for having these dreams, these thoughts, in the first place. It would be only right to have Merlin—his angel—to be the one to punish him after all the many times that he said he was going to hurt Merlin just to soothe his own ego. Arthur flinched as a hand came down heavy on the ground between them to regain his attention, and almost immediately did he feel the pounds of shame trying to drown him down to the floor for being such a bloody coward. "Arthur! You need to look at me so that I can make you understand that there is nothing wrong with you! If it does turn out that your… that you're gay or only interested in Merlin, or… you really are straight and this is all simply something that neither of us thought of yet… whatever the answers are. There is nothing wrong with you or whatever it is that you feel!"

And Arthur was still refusing to look at Leon, his head turned the other way to avoid looking at him as another horrible sounding sobbing laugh escaped from his lips. Had Leon not listened to a single thing Arthur's been telling him all the time they've been sitting here! Had Leon not heard a single word that he's said as Arthur poured his heart and soul out of him. Maybe he should tell the other knight all about the time he had once sat beside Merlin and touched him right between his legs in order to play with his inner thighs during a banquet of high importance, right beside his own father! And Arthur dared Leon to tell him one thing about what he was feeling was alright. This wasn't even about being gay or straight or whatever else Leon wanted to go on about anymore! Those were just words that haunted Arthur in the dark, and terrified him to the core, but all of that was secondary. Secondary to how he would face Merlin after the world—the real world—caught up to him once again after he was finally force to walk out of this dreadfully dark hallway. He should have bloody well jumped off that damn balcony he had been standing on with Jacqui to save him from all of the anguish this nightmare has brought onto him. He hadn't even handled seeing Merlin from a distance before he had to turn tail and run. How could Arthur go looking Merlin in the eye and speaking to him, pretending as if Leon was right and he was perfectly NORMAL, when the heat of Merlin's phantom mouth was still wrapped around his manhood. Arthur could hardly face Leon after telling him everything he had told him, regretting it immensely, and perhaps the other knight could read this in his body language even without the prince looking at him, because Leon drew in a heavy breath.

"Arthur… there are thousands of people who experience questioning what and who they are as they grow up. It's simply a part of life. And maybe you are just a late bloomer since most people have a somewhat solid idea of who they are or what they want to be before they reach manhood. But… this isn't strange at all. I mean… you've always been Prince Arthur Pendragon. You knew who you were to be before any of us even realized we would be your guard between the outside world and those who might try to do you harm. You've know what your life was going to be about long before the future actually caught up with you. I see that you are a man now, and every man has to face the touch choices they don't want to. You already know this yourself! You knew you'd have to make all the hard choices that nobody else is capable of making. Because it's the duty, your duty, as our future king, and I have seen you handle the pressure better than I have seen some men handle the simple responsibilities that come from becoming a squire. But then… then Merlin shows up and now you have a more different kind of decision to make about how you yourself feel. Suppose Merlin is your duty because he's your husband and his life is attached sorely to yours but being a 'husband' is a personal. Maybe that's why this is a struggle for you as well? Because you've never had to make a personal decision like this one is for you. Sure, you've decided what your… primary weapon would be when you go out to battle, and you've decided which part of the city certain funds go to when needed. But… those personal decisions all tie in with you being our next king and preparing you for the future that life will bring you. Merlin though… it will be a decision that will either change everything or change nothing. Maybe you can become Merlin's husband for real, if you believe the journey to regain that boy's trust will be worth it, or you can step back and leave things as they are now. Either way… this is a matter of the heart. Your heart. And not what the most logical decision a king would make. So tell me, Arthur, what is happening in your heart?"

His heart… his heart…. His bloody heart!

Arthur didn't know what was happening in his bloody heart, or what it should be telling him. Other than… each and every single beat of the muscle inside of his chest seemed to breathe out 'Merlin.' His consort's face practically all but imprinted onto the organ, forcing it to keep beating. What was oxygen? Arthur didn't know. Because the veins around his heart that pumped his blood to the rest of his body seemed to echo with the faintest trace of Merlin's touch and his taste and his smell and his voice. It wasn't right though, and Arthur leaned forward until he could bury his face into the hollow of his arms, where he had them resting on his knees. For Arthur's entire life, from the day he'd been born and probably till the day he died, Arthur had followed his father's exactly with what he should do. Every decision and choice he had 'made' in his long twenty years on his earth, had been made with what he thought his father would want him to do. None of these 'decisions' Leon had said he had made had actually been his own. They had simply been his father's will, and Arthur had only been the voice box that had spoken it into reality. And he knew exactly what his own father would say if he knew the situation Arthur had somehow gotten himself into… he would declare that Arthur was no son of his. There was no doubt that lingered in the prince's mind around this. Arthur didn't… he wasn't… gay was a word that did not describe him, no matter how this situation might look with an outside source. And his father… Arthur shuddered, his ears ringing when Leon continued on.

"You were talking earlier about how you weren't interested in Merlin because you didn't want to do things you perceive as gay. You didn't want to bring him flowers or take him out on dates or touch him in a way that might come off as more friendly than it should be. But if you could, if by some strange twist and Merlin decided to entertain you and whatever it is that you actually want from him… would you? Would you do things for him that you have never done with another before, male or female? Would you… would you do things with him in public where anybody could see, or in private where it was just the two of you by yourselves. Would you do it because he asked you to do it? Or would all of this be something that you would do because YOU wanted to do it. Would you do anything just to see him smile? Perhaps what you need to do is erase all of these thoughts and dreams out of your mind and ask yourself what the answer to THAT question is before you decide on anything else. Is Merlin so important to you, that you would risk it all, just for a smile?"

Arthur's heart skipped a beat, almost twisting in his chest until it felt as if he's about to be nauseous. He felt sick… Leon was really going to ask him that right here and now? Leon was really asking Arthur to… bare his soul? Yes, perhaps it had already been done, and Arthur had already bared his soul before the other man when he had started sprouting off about dreams and desperation and not knowing what any of it meant. But Arthur would forever claim that Leon simply caught him in a bad moment, and he had been vulnerable enough to go ahead and start spouting his guts at the first man he happened to see. But there was something about this specific question that made Arthur feel vulnerable, open, in a way a knight should never be. In a way that Camelot's Prince, and the only heir to King Uther Pendragon, should never be. Did Arthur want to give Merlin all he wanted in this world and more, just for him to flash Arthur s single smile as his reward? Why, Arthur already knew what the answer to that question was before he could grasp onto the complications of what that meant…

Yes.

Irrevocably and always…

The answer was yes.

Arthur already knew that he would have carved his own still beating heart out of his chest, tearing through the tendons and the muscles and the flesh with a knife so rusted that no knight worth their salt would dare look at it, let alone to have and handle one. He already knew that he would get down on his knees to show Merlin the still beating heart, and allow Merlin to decide what should be done with it. Arthur wouldn't even ask Merlin for a smile. But to be given one… it was the stuff that existed—quite literally in this case—in his dreams. And to know he had done something that was WORTHY of the smile Merlin seemed to always give so freely to people he actually cared about… was something that Arthur would strive to be. But could he admit something that was so simple to Leon? Could he have the courage to admit what he knew existed deep within the confides of his own heart? He didn't know why it was so much harder for him to admit something like a smile was enough to send his heart aflame when he had already told Leon far worse things today. He didn't know…

"I don't know."