Chapter 6

He seemed like a pleasant enough fellow, she supposed. Perhaps a tad brusque but she really wasn't in a position to judge, glass houses and all that. They had found him easily enough upon their arrival to the Crossroads, their scouts reporting that he was sighted near their lakeside camp a couple of days in a row. Thankfully when they explored the surrounding area, he had returned and made their job in recruiting him relatively simple... the bandits not so much, but everything else went fairly smoothly.

Yet something tugged at her that she couldn't quite explain.
Of course she knew about Grey Wardens. Everybody did. They were legendary heroes who did whatever was needed to stop the Blight and save the world. However, there was something that nagged at her when Blackwall spoke about the wardens and what he was doing out there. Why had he let his conscripts go? He literally said he conscripted them, so why allow them to go back home? That was not how conscription worked and it angered her for reasons that were well beyond her ken. So she remained quiet. She was probably still sore that she had to come back out to the damn Hinterlands to find this man and right after she had such a lovely time with Cullen... and the troops. Training. That was why she was bitter.

"Being a Warden means something to a lot of people."

Did it though? She knew that she respected the Wardens, she must have- but if that was the case why did she have such a hard time thinking of them in a positive light? It was as if their veneer had been somehow tarnished for her but she had no idea why. Elissa chalked it up to something hidden behind one of those blasted doors in her memory, and made up her mind to ignore it. After all, from what she had seen Warden Blackwall was a decent guy who just happened to help those along his way, was he truly that different from her? Given the climate in the Hinterlands, she should be thanking him for thinking of others and not just looting the defenceless villagers.

She had tried to get to know him but found he was only willing to give guarded answers. Frustrated with his caution, Elissa supposed that he had to be secretive and there were things that wardens would not or moreover, should not share. That didn't stop her from being curious. How often was it that one got to meet with a senior warden and get the chance to pick his brain?

"So Blackwall," she said, sidling up to him as they led their horses on the path back to camp.

"Yes Herald?"

"How do you kill an Archdemon?"

Blackwall barked with laughter, not expecting a grown woman to ask the same thing a child would.

"Short answer? Stick it with swords until it stops moving," he replied with a grin, earning him an unimpressed stare, at which he laughed harder.

"But Wardens are always the ones that kill them. One would think if it was so easy to take one down, anyone could do it," she rebutted, thinking back on whatever she remembered about the previous Blights. "Like why wouldn't all the men, elves and dwarves just come together and start stabbing?"

"No, it really is that simple. Just because the Archdemon is magic doesn't mean it can't be killed with swords. It just… has to be a Grey Warden sword. Look, it's not the killing blow that's the problem. It's getting the dragon to the point where it's vulnerable, where it actually can be killed. There's no short answer for that, I'm afraid."

Not the killing blow that's the problem? But the wardens were always the ones who... she just knew something was wrong with what he had said...

Elissa felt a stab of pain in her head so acutely that she shouted out as she fell to her knees. The agony that came forth was the most intense bout she had since that night with Leliana, the force of it eliciting a wave of nausea to crash upon her. Blackwall was taken aback but recovered quickly to help her up, holding her at arm's distance to look her over for any obvious wounds.

"Maker's hairy arse! Herald, are you alright? What happened?" he asked as he stepped back, allowing her to stand on her feet only when he was sure she was steady.

"It's ... I'm fine. Just something that happens sometimes," she replied with a frown. It was the first time that had happened without her actually remembering anything. She tempered the worry that was forming in the back of her mind and reminded herself to talk to Solas about it when they got back to Haven, hopefully the apostate would have some answers for her.

"I'm fine Blackwall, you don't need to worry," she reassured him as best as she could, restarting the trek once more to catch up to Varric and Cassandra who were too far ahead to notice they had stopped behind them. He threw one last concerned glance in her direction but decided to trust in her words and followed on.

"Ok how about something you can tell me then, where were you during the last Blight?"

"I was in Ferelden, on my own like always. Quietly killed my fair share of darkspawn, too."

Another vice-like grip tightened around her head, but she persevered, breathing through it like she was pacing herself through a marathon.

If he was in Ferelden during the last blight, he may truly know how to kill the Archdemon. He may even know the Warden who took that final swing. She tried to recall more information about the Blight that ended over 10 years ago but only knew that it had happened. She could list when the previous four Blights had occurred, each of the Old Gods who had risen as the Archdemons, even two of the four Wardens who had ended the Blights... but nothing of this last and most recent one. She was certainly alive for that one so one would think it would be the freshest in her memory. Still, there was nothing. Perhaps Leliana was right, the wardens must have played a role in what was happening and perhaps they could help lead her to the answers she was looking for.

"So you really have no idea where the rest of the Wardens are?" she asked again, hoping that the man would divulge something helpful.

"Do you find that odd? The Blight is over. We don't need an organised force. And orders don't change much from day-to-day. For the last thousand years or so, it's just been 'Find darkspawn. Kill them. Repeat as necessary'," he countered with a shrug.

"That's the worst recipe I've ever heard," she joked, smiling up at the older man.

He returned the smile easily.

"Don't fix what's not broken, right Herald? It's worked for us this long, can't see why it won't work long after."

Elissa knew she shouldn't continue to prod at him without him getting suspicious of her and truthfully, she was scared to ask. She didn't know what else would trigger her attacks and it appeared that matters relating to the Wardens and the last Blight were important to her past life; so until she knew him better, until she could get her answers, she would be patient and wait for them both to come to her.

When she ignored the niggling feeling in her stomach, she found that she and Blackwall actually got along quite well. He was a little bawdy like her, was quite laid back with most things and very easy to befriend. They spent the last leg of the journey talking about his travels and the characters he met, and she in turn regaled him in her journey thus far.

As they entered Haven she had meant to leave him by the blacksmiths but somehow got lured into another conversation of how the Breach looked from up close. Elissa offered to show it to him so they could visit 'the holy site where the sky shit her out,' but he politely declined. They shared a couple more laughs until she finally had a chance to excuse herself.
She hadn't meant to but she instinctively turned her head to where the troops were training hoping to get a glimpse of the dashing Commander and was lucky enough to lock eyes with him almost instantly; the man equal parts stunned and embarrassed to be caught in the act of already looking at her - but she knew he most likely sizing up the new warrior she had in tow.

Elissa was tired and weary but seeing him made her feel as if she could go another round of training just for the chance to speak to him. However, this time she definitely smelled of horse and wanted nothing more than to steal some food from the tavern and get some sleep. She nodded and offered him a small wave which he returned, eliciting an instantaneous smile which she could not hide. Elissa quickly turned into the main camp, petrified the Commander could see her stupid grin, not noticing that Leliana was on her way out and knocked into her.

"Oh, Herald my apologies-"

"Sister Leliana, I'm sorry I wasn't looking-"

The two women laughed awkwardly at their attempts to apologise to each other. Elissa waited for Leliana to bark another order at her but was pleasantly surprised when the woman only smiled at her, the warmest expression she had ever seen on the Spymaster's face.

"It is good to see you back, Herald, please get some well-earned rest. We were expecting your arrival so I had the cooks make your favourite lemon meringue pie. I thought it might be a nice way to welcome you home after such an arduous journey," she said with such hope that Elissa couldn't bear to be angry with her any longer.

"It's my favourite? I.. thank you for the thought, that was very kind of you. I will be sure to try it," she reassured and clapped her on the shoulder to drive her point home.

"If you'll excuse me, I need to meet with the Warden and hope to speak to you whenever you are ready- not for another mission- but just to..." she faded off, the first time Elissa had ever seen her stumble over her words or doubt herself. Elissa let her hand drop down to lightly squeeze the woman's upper arm to steel her.

"To talk. We should. Talk, that is. Maybe we can save some of that pie-"

"Josie said she would give us some of her family's wine for us to share, they're renowned for it."

"That sounds wonderful," she agreed, releasing her hold on her advisor. "But for now, I need to de-horse-ify and get very well acquainted with my bed again. No lover has yearned more for their significant other, than I have for my bed and a good night's sleep!"

It was as she expected.

This was not the same Warden Blackwall Leliana had hoped for, she didn't even believe he was truly a warden based on what she knew about the man. Things were not lining up as they should. If he were really in Ferelden during the Blight- he would have been there with them at Fort Drakon, not in the countryside just casually killing the odd darkspawn as they strolled by.

Part of the Spymaster wanted to throw him into the cells and interrogate him, to try to understand why he would go around pretending he was a Grey Warden. Pragmatism, however, stalled her hand. Leliana knew he was a good warrior and seemed eager to help, that much was certain. She was reminded of something Elissa had once told her many years ago, that in times of need, one should not turn away a willing comrade.

Still, she was going to find out more about him, she had to make sure they were all safe and not harbouring a madman. It didn't matter how good he was with a sword and shield. Leliana would have to look further into this "warden" to ensure he was harmless to their people, but at the very least by his admission- Elissa was asking questions, questions that would surely lead more memories to slip out. Leliana thumbed through the letters she had taken to keeping with her at all times, ready to send to their friends at the most opportune moment. If Ogrhen would only respond back to her… she'd have felt better about everything.

She let go of the letters and told herself it was still not time to send them. Not yet, but soon.

Elissa had wanted to eat first but saw too many people were already filing into the tavern, and the last thing she wanted was to make small talk when she felt like the walking dead. Instead, she turned tail and asked one of the servants to let her know when the tavern died down so she could get her evening meal after cleaning up.

Bathing was always a fun experiment for her, she had gotten better at conjuring water but heating it was still tricky for the fledgling mage. She would turn it into steam or it was barely warmer than when she started. Lightning? Ice? It came to her easily. 'She always has a storm at her fingertips', as Varric put it, but fire always eluded her. Solas said that she was afraid of it, how uncontrollable it seemed, and that for many it was one of the hardest elements to master. As one of the most reactive to the mage's emotional states, and easiest to lose sight of, it made sense to her why it took mages so long to wield it with confidence. Elissa was just grateful she had managed to take enough chill out of the water to completely wash herself, it was the first time she had felt truly clean in weeks.

By the time she had managed to comb her hair she could see the sun had set and people shuffling off to their quarters to prepare for another day. She shivered slightly when a particularly chilly wind brushed past her. It made her wonder if she had someone left in the world who would berate her for going out in the cold with her freshly washed hair. Would they tell her she'd get a headache, or catch a cold or refuse to let her out until it dried completely?

Elissa rushed towards the Singing Maiden hoping they would still have something warm to scrape together for her dinner. She would have taken a tomato that was heated by Flissa breathing on it at that point, but she dared to dream of a bowl of soup and some crusty bread…perhaps a mead to wash it down with before running away with a slice of that pie Leliana mentioned. Or maybe the whole pie depending if what she said about it being her favourite was true.

She walked into the tavern and saw that it was still filled with happy villagers and soldiers. The noise of their merriment was heartening but it was also not what she had envisioned for herself. Elissa said her hellos as she passed by, an incredibly drunk Threnn even giving her an alcohol induced smile as she made her way to the bar.

"Ah Herald, Sister Leliana said you'd be by, we made a pie special just for ya'," Flissa greeted as she slapped away one of the men's hands from trying to touch someone else's meal. "Give me a moment and I'll get you a slice along with some dinner- I swear to Andraste, Georgie if you stick your fingers in this stew one more time, ye'll be wearing it next!- apologies Herald, you know how these boys can get!"

Elissa thanked the Maker that the tavern owner had gone out to the kitchens directly to get her food, kept safe from the drunken soldiers wanting to blow off steam. Flissa returned promptly with a generous bowl of what looked to be a tomato-based beef stew with carrots and potatoes bobbing in the fragrant sauce. She could have kissed her when she saw two large slices of heavily buttered bread to accompany it, and again thanked the Maker that Flissa quickly picked up on Elissa's unholy love for all things starchy and delicious.

"Boys, make some room for the Herald would ya?" Flissa called out from behind the bar, trying her best to make them move to let her sit down.

"O-oh no thank you, thank you Flissa, thank you all. But I just want to take this back to my room and go straight to sleep- please do not move on my account," she explained as the men made to get up and shuffle themselves about.

Flissa tutted and voiced her disapproval but understood that sometimes the last thing anyone would want is a bunch of rowdy soldiers singing dirty limericks as you're trying to eat your dinner. "Let me get you a tray Herald, it'll make it easier for you to bring everything over. If I had some more of the girls on I'd ask them to take it for you instead but they're all either havin' their own dinner or finished for the day."

"No need, these hands can do more than glow Flissa," she grinned, watching the woman arrange the tray so it would be easier for her to transport across the camp. She thanked her when she handed over the food and she carefully balanced the tray out of the tavern. Elissa had taken four steps around the corner when she stumbled over a rock, jostling the food to slosh slightly over the rim of the bowl and cup. She noticed a few crates nestled into the crook of the building and thought it best to set her dinner aside and wipe off the mess as best she could, otherwise she could see her entire meal sliding off the tray and into the snow.

She sat herself down, propped the tray onto her lap and wiped at the bit of stew that made it out of the bowl when she realised that she was actually quite cosy where she was. Hidden, but adjacent to the revelry inside the tavern, still-slightly-too-warm from her bath but sitting in the cool, night air... it was the best seat in Haven.

Elissa scooped up a spoonful of stew and swallowed a moan of delight at the sumptuous flavours that danced across her tongue. Her shoulders shimmied in childlike delight as she dipped her first bit of bread into the sauce then took a hearty bite out of it. She was about to take another bite when she heard giggling and hushed voices. In a fit of mild panic she pulled her hair around her face like a curtain as she looked down into her food, wanting to avoid drawing attention or have people accuse her of being some sort of peeping tom.

It was just one of the more attractive templars with a pretty young soldier trying to get some privacy. She looked at them through her hair, confident that they couldn't see her eyes or even tell who she was, but when they realised they weren't entirely alone they quickly moved on to try to find a quieter spot beyond the Chantry. Elissa sighed and continued to eat, unable to stop a little smile forming on her lips at the idea that even with the world falling apart, people would find a way to love each other. Or fuck each other. Either way, it made her happy that not everything was doom and gloom under the Breach.

She was wiping up the last drops of sauce from the bowl when someone exited the tavern and sat beside her on the other crate. They hadn't noticed her, and she didn't know whether to clear her throat or just say something, so instead she moved and allowed the wood beneath her to creak.

"Andraste's flaming knickers," her surprise dinner date panted as he stood up in shock. "Apologies, madam, I had not realised that I was not alone. I can take my leave if you are waiting for a companion-"

"Commander, it's completely fine," she replied once she heard his voice.

Cullen took a step forward and squinted to take in the sight before him. A hunched frame and a thick sheet of hair that came past her waist made her unrecognisable..

"H-Herald?!" he cried out once she tucked some hair behind her ear, half her features visible under the evening light. "Goodness gracious, I had thought perhaps we recruited a damned despair demon."

Elissa could not help but laugh. She covered her mouth as best she could to quash her glee but to see the Commander of the Inquisition forces so disquieted by an unarmed girl, her spoon and bowl notwithstanding, just tickled her pink.

"I am sorry to have surprised you Commander, when I stole this spot to eat, I did not realise how popular it would be."

"Oh good, there were other people you managed to scare the life out of then?" he queried as he retook the crate across from her, but shifted to face her as he continued to eat.

"Scared? Mercy no. Creeped out, very likely," she said as she thought about the couple earlier.

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, imagine you're trying to find somewhere nice and secluded for you and your sweetie... only to look up mid dry hump to see well... this... sitting in the corner," she explained, gesturing to herself as if it were self-explanatory.

"Mid- what? There were people doing that just outside the bloody tavern?" Cullen cried out, seemingly offended by the idea. Elissa giggled and shrugged happily, there was so much wrong in the world, some adults having some fun didn't seem so bad.

"Oh I'm sure you were young and impulsive too once upon a time," she chided, "before you donned the armour and the mantle and what not."

Cullen shook his head, covering his mouth with the back of his hand as he chewed on his last bit of food. He swallowed and then chuckled at her misguided notion of him having any time to be a stupid teenager.

"Sorry to disappoint Herald, I was in the Chantry by the time I was 13 and took my vows at 18 to be a Templar. Not a lot of time to get up to mischief, I'm afraid," he confessed, looking up at the sky as he thought back to his time training with the other recruits. Things were so much simpler back then.

Elissa stared at him with a scandalised expression. How could someone as stunning as him, be locked away by all the religious rhetoric and behind stone towers, it was a crime somewhere she was sure of it.

"Andraste would weep for you. I weep for you. To think those people made you vow to stay far away from physical temptation for the rest of your life at 18. What a cruel and unusual punishment for your life of service and sacrifice," she exclaimed, outraged at the idea of cutting the poor man's chances to experience a little bit of joy.

"I'm sorry... Did you say physical? Why... why would you think o-or ask that?" he asked, utterly flummoxed. Whilst she could not be certain, she would bet all the gold she had in her pack that the Commander had turned a charming shade of scarlet at their topic of conversation.

"I'm not sure, but I guess I always believed that the Templars being a branch of the Chantry meant that they, too, were a celibate sect... what are the vows for then if not to keep yourself for the Maker?" she probed further, unable to fathom the idea that Templars may have always been allowed to have sex.

Cullen huffed out awkwardly and cleared his throat to try to collect his thoughts, frazzled mess as they were.

"That's not expected. Templars can marry although there are rules around it, and the Order must grant permission. Some may choose to give up more to prove their devotion but it's... um... not required," he clarified much to his horror, grateful that he was able to make it through without too much stuttering. It seemed that perhaps not too much had changed between his days as a Chantry boy and Commander of the Inquisition.

Elissa scuttled closer until she was barely sitting on the corner of the crate, leaning forward with her hand cupping one side of her mouth as if she was about to whisper something to him. He moved forward to meet her halfway reflexively and tilted his head to offer his ear.

"Have you?" she tittered, her mouth close enough for him to feel her warm breath tickle his skin.

Cullen sat back up straight so his back was flush against the wall of the tavern, coughing at the saliva he accidentally swallowed in his shock. He was relieved that he was coughing. If not he would only be able to speak unintelligible syllables in lieu of words at the woman's daring. Had he the same amount of courage he'd be able to conquer and rule both Ferelden and Orlais.

"Me? I, um... no. I've taken no such vows," he sputtered out truthfully, incredulous at his own mouth's treachery. "Maker's breath, can we speak of something else?"

Elissa gave him a sympathetic smile and reached over to pat his knee kindly, almost sorry that she had made him so embarrassed with her brazenness. She hoped somewhere out there, was a beleaguered teacher cursing her for not knowing when to hold her tongue.

"Of course Commander. To be fair to you, as much bluster as I have, I don't even know my past... so I very well may be all talk and no walk," she pressed her lips together and shrugged apathetically. "Ah well, I guess it will all come back to me one day... until then, did you want a taste of my pie?" she quipped as Cullen moved to stand. The leader of their army lost his hold on the crate and slipped before catching himself.

"I beg your pardon?" he croaked, sure he had misheard her.

"My pie, it's absolutely delicious," she said, lifting up her bowl to show him her dessert. Of course it was dessert. "Why are you looking at me like... oh and I'm the one who's worse than your men? Poor form Commander," she teased as she stood up to stand with him.

"N-no that's not... If the Maker had any mercy he'd come back just to put me out of my misery," he said, trying his best to smother himself with his gloved hand.

Elissa stepped closer looking every part of the temptress he'd come across the pages of his books, the sweet balanced on one palm, the other hand holding her spoon to her mouth as she sucked the dessert from the utensil all too innocently. He audibly swallowed again as he scanned the area for anywhere else to look.

"Then it's a good thing I am such a good Herald is it not Commander? To be so understanding and forgiving, yes? So good in fact- that you can have the rest of the pie," she said pushing the plate towards him. "The fork in it is clean, I didn't end up using it."

"Oh Herald this is yours-"

"It's fine, there's a whole pie back in there Leliana had especially made for me. Go on, take it. It'll give you the energy to keep working late into the night," she stated gently. "I know what leaders are like. First to wake and last to sleep. Take whatever joys come your way to make your days easier, Commander. It'll remind you why you're doing all of this."

Elissa grinned up at him and pressed the dish into his hand, bidding him a goodnight. Cullen watched as she picked up her tray to return to the tavern, Flissa hurriedly taking the dirty dishes from the Herald horrified she would think to do something so menial for them.

"Herald! We'd have picked this up from your rooms tomorrow mornin', you needn't trouble yourself over somethin' like this!"

"And you needn't worry about me being able to pick up after myself after you fixed me such a wonderful meal."

Cullen looked down at the bowl in his hand and lifted the fork to sample the dessert; it was creamy and tart, fresh but so sweet it made his mouth water. Made him want more. More of the pie or more of-

He chuckled to himself as he fed another scoop into his mouth, perhaps he was spending too much time with the Herald, even his thoughts were starting to embarrass him.

She took two steps into her cabin, berating herself for being such a flirt, the Commander was being such a good sport to deal with her forward nature. She really ought to dial it back or he'd end up censuring her.

Would that be so bad, bent over and at his mercy…

How did she ever get anything done with such licentious thoughts every four seconds?! Elissa grabbed the wooden comb that someone had left for her to use and ran it through her hair to release any tangles that had formed throughout dinner. She replayed the conversation she had with the Commander and winced at being so bold as to ask about his willingness to have sex -generally, not with her specifically. Next she'd be asking if or when he lost his virginity and the specific position.

She started to plait her hair loosely when a voice rang through her ears.

"Have you licked a lamppost in winter?"

"Why yes I have, quite a few… how about you?"

"No, I've never had the plea-surrre."

Elissa saw a drop of blood fall onto her lap and pressed her fingers to her nose. Feeling a warm liquid at her nostril, she pulled back her fingers to see the same deep red painted on her fingertips. Her vision began to blur and the mark on her hand began to spark menacingly, but then there was nothing.

There was ringing in her ears and a piercing pain shooting through her, not in her head as she was expecting, but her chest. Sharp and aching. Deep and all encompassing. She felt like she should be in mourning, but she did not know what she had lost.

Crawling into bed, she tried her best to recall the voice that had made her feel so intensely but she found nothing. In a bid to circumvent the tears that threatened to fall, Elissa attempted to think of the Commander but instead of the lascivious daydreams she had come to guiltily enjoy she was met with eyes of dark amber, similar to Cullen's, and yet so different she could instantly tell they weren't his.

She knew these eyes well, felt like she had stared into them for many an hour, could almost see herself looking out from them.

She was getting closer to finding out who she was. She knew this man, his voice, his eyes. She knew he was someone important, someone she had to find. And she knew the right place to start: Sister Leliana.