Chapter 5
No man is an island

A voice tried to reach her through the darkness. She knew it must be concerning her even if she couldn't make sense of what was said, what they wanted. She floated through nothingness but the voice kept calling her.

"Effie? Miss Effie, can you hear me?"

She felt something soft and silky under her fingertips. A groan escaped her lips when she moved, reality bringing a dull aching with it.

"It's alright miss Effie, you're in the hospital."

And slowly Effie opened her eyes, the simple act almost too great an effort. Her chest rose and fell in soft breaths as her gaze came to focus on a square of clear blue sky. The woman kept talking in a soothing voice but it was like the reassurances were concerning somebody else with Effie just badly wanting to lift her hand and ward her off; to make that flow of words end.

"There's someone here to see you," the nurse said. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to call."

And then she was gone and another person came into her field of vision. His skin ashen, a scowl on his face when looking down at her.

"Haymitch?" Effie mumbled, her voice slurred.

"Well, you do anything to get me back to the Capitol don't you, sweetheart," Haymitch said.

"Where… when…"

"You downed a bottle of pills. Remember that?"

Effie's eyebrows came together, as if trying to make sense of it.

"Piece of luck you're still alive", Haymitch said. "Gave me one of my top worst days ever, while you were at it. Congratulations, sweetheart, that's a feat."

He pulled a chair to the side of her bed, rubbing his hand against his face tiredly.

"The kids are worried sick for you", he said. "I think they've both just about had it with our hospital drama."

"You told them?" Effie rasped. "Why did they have to know?"

"Because they care about you. We all do."

"Do you, really?" she said and Haymitch frowned at her tone.

"Why do you think I came all the way here for? It was just a stupid argument, Eff. It's not like we haven't had plenty of those before."

Effie looked away, into the wall, so he wouldn't see the tears gathering in her eyes.

"Did you do it on purpose?" Haymitch asked and Effie released a breath.

"I just wanted to sleep."

She pressed her eyes shut, her head throbbing painfully. She heard Haymitch move in his chair.

"Drink this."

"I don't want it," Effie said even though it was a lie.

"If I had to you have to."

"I don't have to do a thing, Haymitch."

"Come on, sweetheart. Don't be so stubborn," he said and there was something in his voice that made her accept the glass. When he leaned in helping her to take a few sips she got a closer look on him. His chapped lips, his wrinkled shirt, the dark shadows under his blood-shot eyes.

"Did you sleep?" she rasped.

Haymitch's eyebrows came together.

"Don't worry about me, Eff. Worry about yourself."

"You shouldn't have told the children. Now you've only upset them. I'm in control."

Haymitch snorted.

"Sure you are."

"There's no reason for you to be here. Go home to Katniss and Peeta. Tell them I'm perfectly fine."

"You overdosed, Eff. That's a big enough reason." He put the glass back on the nightstand with an exasperated sound. "I'll be coming home with you the moment they let you out," he said, meeting her scowl with one of his own.

"And what if I say no?" Effie muttered.

Haymitch shrugged.

"Then you'll have to shoot me."

xXx

Rain fell in relentless sheets, turning the Capitol into a blur of colors and lights. Water ran in streams down the roads, thrumming against the shiny cars parked by the curb. Even if you could still hear the distant sound of people singing and chanting, the beating of music, many would be disgruntled about tonight's downpour.

One of the many differences between the Capitol and the districts was the city's ability to control the weather, to answer whatever came with a countermove.

Capitolians weren't at all against great snowfalls turning their city into a winter paradise – around Christmas and New Year's it was a must – or really hot summer days as soon as it didn't reach over a certain temperature. They had all weathers just like the rest of Panem but it never lasted to the point it brought discomfort. The public garden could be full of snow and pretty lights at the same time as the shopping avenues were toasty warm. Drizzle could be turned to steam before it even reached the roof tops, cold summer days were balanced out with warm air blown through the city and too hot ones were fixed by the same principle.

So many ways to trick and hide and alter.

But the rain, real rain like tonight, the Capitol couldn't beat. Not well enough. The city would be dry and warm again within minutes once it was all over but when it fell there was nothing you could do but let it fall and hope it would get better.

Effie's nightgown was soaked with sweat as she clutched on to Haymitch, her body shaking with uncontrollable sobs.

"Breathe, Eff," Haymitch muttered. "Gonna pass out on me if you do that. You gotta breathe."

The clock was close to four in the morning and it was three days since he moved it. Three days like this.

Effie'd said the overdose was an accident and he didn't think she was lying about that. But it felt like his failure that she thought her only option was to take more and more pills, when he was just a phone call away.

No objections left her lips when he got rid of the medicine bottles but sometimes he thought the most merciful would be to give it back to her again. Her small way of escape, just like the alcohol was his. But it was that same thought that kept him from doing it. The pills were gone. Now she had only him.

He would gladly have escaped it all, just gone and found a bottle and run. If there ever was a way of coping he hadn't been invited to that meeting.

But he stayed by Effie's side. When she didn't want to be touched he didn't touch her. When she needed his comfort he was there. After unspeakable nightmares that almost broke her voice he gave her hot water with teaspoons of honey and when yet another panic attack had her in its grip, almost as painful to watch as it must be for her, leaving her mute and motionless on the bed he stroked her back in soothing circles, mumbling soft words to her until she focused her gaze on him again.

Most of the time he just held her or, more often so, was someone she could hold on to, her body shaking with heartbreaking, helpless sobs that never seemed to end. For the children she reaped, for all those who died when she was spared, for her days at the mercy of the men in white robes, for her nights in an endless darkness, long since abandoned the belief anyone would come for her.

That day when Katniss blew up the arena he'd intended to not let Effie out of his sight but in the end they still got separated. That Effie had been captured because of him was something he knew for a fact. In a different way but at the same time so similarly to how Annie had been captured because of Finnick. He remembered telling Katniss about the president letting him live as an example because he knew he had no leverage against him. Katniss had said 'Until Peeta and I came along' and he couldn't even bear giving her an answer because her statement was just half the truth. He'd let his escort grow too close as well. Not consciously but enough to put her in danger. He'd known almost as long as he'd known her that Effie Trinket was different and he wanted to keep her safe. Problem was he didn't always know what that was. Keeping her close was dangerous for her but so was the opposite. If he hadn't interfered with that promotion of hers, if he'd let her go then before she'd been truly mixed up with them, pushed her away to make her change district it would only have led to her being tried and executed by the rebels later.

After her capture, Plutarch made good on his promise to keep searching for her through his Capitol insiders and Haymitch had just seen Katniss after she was admitted to the burn unit, when there was finally something. Plutarch, as usual, was ever the optimist. Beetee, not as much.

"I shouldn't keep any high hopes, Haymitch," he said. "The building was damaged in the bombing. It's abandoned. Even if she's there she might already be gone."

But it was a straw to grasp at and Haymitch asked for an audience with the president. He was already furious with Coin, for several reason most of which concerned Peeta and Primrose. But he kept calm for Effie's sake, listened to the president's objections and how she so clearly didn't plan on wasting time and resources on an escort whom had already served her purpose – even though she used other words.

Plutarch put forth the argument Effie was imprisoned for being Haymitch's associate, branded rebel and traitor of the state and he talked a lot about the symbolic meaning of having her by the Mockingjay's side on Snow's televised execution. And together they managed to at least get a meeting of whether or not sending out a rescue team to get the escort and the handful other men and women imprisoned for collaborating with the rebels.

How proud he'd been of Effie that day when she gave them gold trinkets, saying they we're a team. Worried about the Capitol's certain reaction too but still so proud because it could so easily have been the other way, couldn't it? If Katniss had pulled out those poisonous berries under Dandridge's regimen she would have gone straight to authorities and filed a report against them.

But Effie hadn't. She'd sided with them, wholeheartedly, with everything to lose.

And then he just returned to his life, leaving Effie behind after the war, when he should have asked her to come with them to Twelve or at least let her know it was an option.
When Katniss wouldn't open the door for him he'd at least talked with Greasy Sae and had the old woman look after the girl, make sure she ate and was cared for. Who did Effie have? Her parents were dead. The few relatives she had were lost in the war. He didn't know much about her friends but knowing the Capitol and how secretive Effie was, he doubted she confided in a lot of people.

Effie had stilled somewhat in his arms, her face hot and wet from tears.

"I'm sorry, Haymitch," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"'Bout what?"

"I'm sorry for what I said about your mother. It was awful. All of it. And I regret it so much."

"Don't worry about it, sweetheart."

"I don't deserve you," Effie croaked. "I never did. You were right. You should've left me to..."

"Not true and you'd know it too if you weren't so exhausted," said Haymitch. He smoothed back her damp hair from her face. "Try and get some rest, Effie."

"No," Effie sobbed. "It will only start again. I don't want it to start again."

Her hands were cold and he enveloped them in his warm ones, his neck all wet from her tears.

"What're we gonna do with you, sweetheart," he mumbled.

The nights got so long, endless with daylight bringing an apathy in Effie that wasn't much better. He spent the days talking to her and tried to make her eat or at least drink, until the inevitable night that she so dreaded brought on its next chapter of hell.

That day in the hovercraft when the power from takeoff made Effie's coat dance around, he'd watched her hand lifted in goodbye and believed she would be OK. Because she was Effie Trinket. Because she wasn't destructive.

He knew she had moved back into her old building that was almost completely unscratched. Plutarch told him about her giving housing to those who weren't as lucky, about her volunteer work and getting employment at that school. When hearing she returned to her life he went back to his.

And she had found ways to keep herself going for stretches of time. Wasn't so strange really when you thought about it; how she used all of her activities as ways to keep herself busy, not so different from how he drank, Katniss hunted and Peeta baked.

And then there were days like this.

That was the worst part, not seeing her suffer but knowing she'd suffered all along. On her own.

The first real nice summer morning, many days later, Haymitch woke with Effie curled up close to him, their arms around each other like a pair of children seeking comfort during a thunderstorm.

Her eyelashes were dark against her cheeks but no surprise there really. She was far too pale for his liking, save those dark shadows under her eyes.

He disengaged himself from her, carefully so he wouldn't wake her and got out of bed, getting a bottle from his bag. He scratched his cheek, feeling how beardy he'd gotten and swallowed a few big mouthfuls of liquor.

When he looked back at Effie he met a pair of Capitol blue eyes.

"Hey," she mumbled. Her voice was raspy, but at least she was talking. He walked back to her, bottle in hand, and sat down on the bed.

"It's a nice day," he said. "We should go out."

Effie watched the shaft of light illuminating him from behind and looked away again.

"I look terrible," she mumbled.

"So what?" said Haymitch. He rubbed his hand against his neck, stretched out his shoulders with a grunt. "How about Twelve?" he said. "We'll see the kids and… what?" he added when he saw her face. "You don't want to see Katniss and Peeta?"

"Of course I do," Effie said softly. "It's just… what will they think of me, Haymitch? After what happened. If I'd just been stronger they wouldn't have to worry about me", she mumbled. "And you wouldn't have to..."

"They already thought you were a nutcase," Haymitch said. "Not much to add there. And guess what, sweetheart? We love you anyway."

xXx

And so Effie got to see the Meadow and it was just as peaceful and beautiful as she'd imagined it. Katniss and Peeta were with them, sitting cross legged on the grass. They almost hugged the life out of Effie when she got here with Haymitch. But despite being the one who looked like she'd had a good night's sleep around a thousand years ago Effie didn't fail to fuss over the kids like she always did.

Haymitch was content sitting leaned back against a tree and didn't contribute much to the conversation.

He'd sworn he would never set his foot on the Meadow again. Not after what it'd been used for.

It was Peeta who eventually changed that.

When he returned to Twelve with the boy, Peeta had taken to the habit of wandering around the district and the edges of the woods. The Meadow too. Haymitch hadn't liked the idea of him walking through the ashes and had talked with him about it several times but since he wouldn't stay home Haymitch went with him instead, to keep him from getting hurt or stray too far.
He'd had better walks, that's for sure. But it seemed to give the boy some odd sense of peace, facing it and because it did, it gave him some too.

Haymitch yawned, watching Effie through half shut eyes.

When was the last time things had been this peaceful with all four of them together? Effie wasn't the only one to blame for how things usually escalated, even if he liked to think so.

He'd overheard Katniss say to Peeta once that a meal presided over by just Haymitch and Effie was bound to be a disaster and that was true not only for the meals. Effie drove him up the wall in a way no one else managed. She was his royal pain in the neck. But she was also one of the few people who put up with him and all of his drunkenness, keeping him out of more trouble than he cared to admit. His team player and not only when it came to their tributes that she'd been so fiercely committed to.

She always stood by his side when he fucked things up instead of just throwing him under the bus. It was like she considered herself having the exclusive right to disapprove over his behavior because she wouldn't tolerate anyone else criticizing him. They could be in the middle of a heated argument and if someone walked in and started hammering him about the exact same thing Effie was, she would come to his defense. Katniss and Peeta once told him she'd totally snapped at them for making fun of his drinking and to this day it still made him smile.

She could be annoying, overly optimistic, a real drama queen at times. It didn't matter much to him. She had a good heart. He'd learnt that a long time ago.

"Stay here this summer."

Effie met his gaze at the sound of those words, as if unsure he meant what he said. Haymitch didn't look away.

"That would be nice," Effie said.

They stayed on the Meadow for the rest of the day.

Author's note: Haymitch and Effie both got a taste of what it would be like to lose each other. And now they're spending the summer together. How will that go?

This chapter was a lot harder to write than I thought it would be. Would love to hear your thoughts. :) And hope you all had a great Christmas!