Chapter 8: What is this?

Notes:

TW ketones
TW vomiting

Ryder's omni-tool went off, signalling it was time for Ryder to get up. Even though the sun didn't shine directly through her window the light was too bright.

Ryder got up from her bed reluctantly. She found that she had no energy. Her head felt hot, and no matter how long she stood still the room wouldn't stop spinning. Her head felt too heavy.

She had no idea how she got to the bathroom but afterward, she found that all she wanted to do was to climb back in bed and never get up again. She should care, she had a list of things to do but she didn't have the energy to do them. Even thinking of them made her head hurt. It's funny when you have the energy you don't appreciate it. People think it's something you'll always have. But lose it, really lose it and then see how much you'll miss it.

It's not something she thought about a lot. When she was sick with the virus she felt a loss of energy. Everything being taken away. That was the first time. This one was different though. She felt jealous of people that have energy. And strange enough yesterday she did have it. What changed? Why did she feel so awful?

Was it because of her sugar? Last night SAM warmed her about high sugar but she injected extra so it should've been okay, right? It still didn't make any sense. She never felt this awful in her life before.

Sure she got sick with the virus, but that was different. She couldn't explain it, not even to herself. Maybe it was different because it was two different conditions.

Just as she went outside the bathroom she was hit with a wave of nausea. She hoped it wouldn't be necessary but Ryder knew this type of nausea. It was the type where you knew you would throw up, no matter what you tried. "Where can I find a bucket SAM?"

"You should ask Dr. T'Perro."

Of course.

Ryder hanged on the wall of the med bay for a couple of seconds for control before knocking. "Come in," a voice said that could only belong to Lexi.

"Where can I find a bucket?" Ryder asked, being aware of how strange her request might sound, and it was better if Lexi didn't know why.

"Morning," Lexi greeted, clearly being in a better mood than Ryder. "Why do you need a bucket?"

"Can you just tell me where to find it?" Ryder's tone was more irritated than she intended.

"Here you go," she grabbed one under her desk and gave it to Ryder but didn't precisely let go of it. "Is everything alright?"

She didn't intend to ask why there would be bucket under Lexi's desk. "Yes, everything is fine." Ryder didn't make eye contact. It was better not to. Fortunately Lexi didn't ask why she was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, and it was obvious that Ryder slept in them.

Lexi gave her a glance that wasn't very convincing but she loosens her grip on the bucket and Ryder took it to her room.

Ryder didn't even have the energy to pick up her feet and she dragged her feet with her to her quarters. She thought getting back to bed and falling asleep would be easy but, it wasn't.

As she laid in her bed her stomach felt… she wasn't entirely sure what, all she knew was that whatever she was feeling wasn't normal. She could feel how the colour was draining from her face. Each second that ticked by she felt worse and worse.

The bucket stood directly next to her bed, she could reach it if she wanted to. Ryder didn't know if she had the energy though. For the second time she hoped she wouldn't need to use it.

"Pathfinder," Ryder closed her eyes knowing whatever SAM would say she didn't want to hear. "You have a meeting with Kerri T'Vessa in 3 hours."

Ryder groaned, realizing that it had completely slipped her mind. She rubbed her eyes with the palm of her hands. "I'll just…sleep for a little bit…just a few minutes."

Maybe I should skip breakfast.

She already knew how SAM and Lexi would react to that. They would tell her how important it is, but she was too nauseous for breakfast. She was so thirsty. All she wanted was water. But she knew she shouldn't. It was more in the line of she knew she wouldn't be able to keep it down.

Ryder thought SAM would say something, and she knew for a fact he didn't say another word because falling back asleep wasn't as easy as she thought it would be. She felt too horrible. Keeping her eyes closed made her focus on how bad she felt, and keeping her eyes open wasn't any better. It wasn't long before fear crept in. She was afraid, but she wasn't sure of what. Each passing second she felt worse. Somehow Ryder knew this was because of her. It was her own fault.

When she finally fell back asleep it wasn't the sleep she needed nor wanted. Every few minutes she woke up and every time she fell back asleep it happened faster and faster.

"Ryder," SAM said when she was in-between consciousness, "I'm detecting an abnormal pH in your bloodstream."

Ryder laid there waiting in her bed for SAM to say anything else but he didn't. An abnormal pH didn't sound good. She sat up straight eyeing her desk where her insulin and omni-tool laid.

She knew she should tell Lexi, she'll know what to do. But she could figure this out herself. She should test her sugar and inject herself. That'll fix the problem, right?

She counted to three slowly, summoning all the energy she could. Getting out of the bed was hard. The little she could sleep didn't help, she felt even worse.

When she arrived at her desk she used it as support while grabbing her chair to sit down. She fumbled with her omni-tool, putting it on her arm and activating it. She tried to focus, but it was hard. Her vision swam in front of her but finally, she scanned her sugar. The numbers 29.8 blinked in red.

Yup. That's very high. Not surprising at all.

She knew with doctor visits Lexi will have access to her implant to see what her sugar was.

Well. Lexi is going to kill me.

But, that was later worries. Right now she needed to focus on feeling better. She injected herself, holding the insulin pen in her tummy for a couple of seconds and crawled back to bed. It wasn't long until she fell asleep again.

When she woke up again Lexi was beside her bed. Ryder frowned, "Lexi, what are you doing here?"

"SAM told me that there is an abnormal pH in your bloodstream," Lexi explained.

Ryder couldn't understand why but somehow she felt like SAM betrayed her. She was handling it, so why would he do that?

Maybe it was because he didn't tell Lexi about the high blood sugar before she was diagnosed that she thought he wouldn't tell her about this. That wasn't exactly true though. SAM did tell Lexi when Ryder had her doctor's appointment, but at least he didn't tell her immediately.

"I'm handling it," Ryder's tone had a mix of grogginess and irritation to it.

"He also told me about that," there was an urgency in her voice. "An abnormal pH is dangerous Ryder."

"That's why I'm handling it," she mumbled. Ryder wasn't sure if Lexi heard her or not. Ryder just wished that she would leave her alone.

But that was too much to ask.

"Let's get you to the med bay," Lexi said the words that Ryder dreaded.

"Please don't," Ryder pleaded, "I hate it there." This was the first time Ryder told Lexi that. It wasn't that she hated the med bay there itself but it was the fact that the noise the monitors made bothered her. Each beeping noise irritated her and it reminded her that she was in the med bay. It felt like a prison.

"You're going," Lexi was strict. "You need an IV and I'll have to test you for ketones."

Lexi and Harry talked to her about ketones, but it's possible that the subject went way over her head. All she could remember was that ketones were dangerous for her and something about glucose in urine.

Lexi and Harry talked about so many things that she was bound to forget some of it.

Before she became a diabetic she didn't know a lot about ketones. Just bits and pieces. If she was honest with herself it wasn't very important information to her… that was until today.

Usually, when Lexi mentioned any tests that she needed to do on Ryder she never specified what could be wrong. Before being diagnosed with Diabetes she didn't even say or hinted that Ryder might be a diabetic. And thinking back, all the signs of Diabetes were there. Lexi is never wrong. At least not if it comes to medical.

With a lot of effort Ryder made her way out of bed. "What about my meeting with Kerri?"

"Ryder," Lexi said, being very serious. "Your meeting was 2 hours ago."

"Why didn't you say anything SAM?" Ryder questioned out loud. There was no need to talk through their private channel. Besides she was too mad at SAM.

"I did mention it," he began to explain, "but you rolled to your other side and fell asleep. So I cancelled the meeting."

Ryder should thank him or at least apologize. She honestly didn't remember that he said anything. But right now she wanted space from him.

As if that's possible dumbass.

Overall Ryder was very thankful for SAM. When her dad developed him she wasn't very sure what to make of the AI. Ryder thought it was very stupid of him to focus all of his time developing him instead of spending time with his terminal ill wife. But then again, Ryder didn't always understand the reasons behind her dad's actions. If there ever was any.

But, these last couple of months Ryder and SAM made some kind of bond. In reality, she didn't know what she would have done without him. He was important to her.

This wasn't the first time she was mad or frustrated or even irritated with him, and it certainly wouldn't be the last time.

Ryder understood why he went to Lexi. But then again, why did he now and not the previous time?

The hallway down to the med bay felt impossibly long. Was it always this long? Wasn't it always shorter?

That wasn't the only thing that seemed different. In a short period this would be Ryder's third time she got an IV, and this time it felt like it took Lexi longer to do so. The needle took longer to make contact with her skin. The bag of fluids took longer to be connected. And when it was all set up it felt like the fluids didn't make a difference.

As time went by Ryder only felt worse.

Sleeping made everything better. It was true, she still felt horrible when she tossed and turned in the uncomfortable hard bed, but in that time she could forget even for a little bit about her nausea. She could forget how tired she was and how she had no energy. Sleep brought peace. And right now Ryder enjoyed that peace.

Lexi did the tests, and even though Ryder knew it would be positive for ketones there was a small part of her that hoped it would be negative. The whole time from they left her room to coming into the med bay to Lexi prepping everything and doing the test she explained how dangerous ketones are. How Ryder is destroying her body by doing this.

Doing what?

As if she's enjoying feeling like this? Because she isn't. She hated it.

The truth was Ryder's sugar wasn't where it was supposed to be. If she thinks back maybe she should've tried harder. Fought harder. Deny the food she wasn't allowed to have better.

She should've been honest with Jaal's family. She should have told them their gesture was kind but unfortunately she isn't allowed to eat all of those food.

But right then and there she couldn't get it over her heart to do it. Why was it like that? Why couldn't she be better with this?

Look who's paying for the consequences now. Not them. Nobody but Ryder. And as much as she wants to say it's not fair the reality is, it is fair. She is sitting with an illness not them.

Lexi talked to her and explain how they would treat this. The plan was to test her sugar and ketones hourly and take insulin depending on how it looks. Usually, she would need to drink water as well but the IV took care of that, so at least she didn't need to worry about that. Ryder still felt like she couldn't stomach water even if she tried.

Ryder was awoken by the peeping of the medical equipment. She shifted her head and saw that Lexi was busy with work on her desk. Another hour couldn't have passed yet because Lexi didn't do another test yet. Her omni-tool was next to Lexi.

When they test Ryder's sugar she can activate her omni-tool but Lexi confiscated it afterward.

This time she felt even more nauseous than before. Her stomach growled. Screaming that it was hungry and wanted some food. She had the oddest feeling in her stomach. If she would explain it people would think that she is crazy. It was like she could feel her stomach eating itself. Her body was so hungry, not having access to any food. It was a horrible and scary feeling.

It made her remember what Lexi said once. It was when she explained the damages her body can do to itself. She bit down her lip as the fear settled in again.

I don't want to die.

No matter how many times Ryder was injured or how serious it was, she was never this afraid. This was a type of fear she have never experienced before. It was as if what she felt before wasn't fear and she just discovered it.

I don't want to die.

Ryder felt like quitting. She wanted a break from all of this. She wanted to run away and never look back.

She was weak. Where others were in worse situations or experienced this for years Ryder wanted to give up after not having this thing for a year? That's weakness.

But… even if she wanted to quit, it was impossible. This was a thing she couldn't escape. Where ever she goes her broken pancreas will go with her. It needs her to take care of it.

It was just so damn hard.

This was only the beginning.

Her stomach twisted and turned uncomfortably. Ever slow movement was torture for it. She stretched her arm, trying to reach the bucket. Ryder haven't realized when Lexi arrived at her side with it. She didn't care.

Ryder hanged with her head on the bucket leaning her hands on it as if by some way it would give her the strength she so desperately craved. Her stomach clenched as she could feel the contents trying to escape. The bucket already smelled like vomit.

Ryder wished it would just get out. Maybe she'll feel better then. Maybe her energy will return.

It took a while but when she started to vomit, it was bitter…and unpleasant. It was like a dam that broke loose. At the end of it, tears were escaping the corner of her eyes.

She breathed heavily once she was done.

In. Out. In. Out.

I'm tired. It's all she could think of as she waited for sleep to come.

In total it took 2 days for the ketones to be resolved. Lexi didn't allow any visitors for that period. Ryder didn't complain though, she took that time to sleep. At the end of the two days she felt like she hadn't slept at all.

Even though the ketones left her body the effects didn't. At least not completely. Her body needed some time to recover. When she could finally stomach her food she enjoyed it. She liked the food she usually disliked.

It was the best damn meal she had in Andromeda.

Although Ryder's ketones were sorted Lexi wanted to keep her for another day. She protested against it but like always Lexi didn't take no for an answer.

Luckily for Ryder, she got access to her omni-tool. Lexi hesitated when Ryder asked. The answer "no" was on her lips but luckily Lexi said it was okay.

"Tann wants to talk to you," Cora said when she came to the med bay for a visit.

Ryder knew what it was about. It wasn't surprising at all that Tann would want to see her. She was beginning to be a liability for the Initiative.

"I'll talk to him," Ryder sighed.

"You know what it's about?" Cora asked.

Usually, Cora wouldn't ask, but maybe she did this time because of the way Ryder has said that. Clearly she didn't know the nature of this meeting.

"I've been away too long and many times in a short time," she explained.

Instead of disagreeing, Cora said, "It's hardly your fault." Ryder didn't know if she believed her.

"No, it is," Ryder said. She needed to be honest with herself and her team.

She didn't ask why and for that Ryder was very grateful. Ryder didn't have the energy to explain it. "The leadership have to understand."

Ryder shrugged, "I get it."

"You do?" she questioned.

"We can't say the leadership should do what is best for the people and then do the opposite," Ryder said. Cora only frowned and she took the opportunity to explain further. "Someone who is absent the whole time can't do the job properly. I'm not the best for the people."

I shouldn't be Pathfinder. Ryder didn't dare to say the words out loud, but they floated in the air.

"And you're doing it properly but," Cora said firmly, "If you need help from us we'll help you."

"Thank you, Cora, I appreciate it." This was the first time she felt she had Cora's support in this.

Notes:

Okay, so I have decided to take a break from posting for a while. I'm not sure for how long but I'd love to catch up with this fic, write some more chapters. As well as focus on other projects.