Notes:

I'm back with a new chapter. Sorry I took so long, I didn't intent to wait this long to post and wanted to post here sooner. But I have great news. This fic is finished written. I just need to edit the rest. I just needed some time before posting again. Life sometimes happens.

I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, but I hope you'll enjoy it.

TW talk of vomiting

"Hey," Ryder said as she sat down on the chair.

Since the Tempest was still on the Nexus, she decided to make use of her time and visit her brother. Even though they communicated it wasn't a lot. There were too many things that called for Ryder's attention. Too many things she needed to tick from a list.

There was silence for far too long. She felt her brother's eyes on her and it made her uncomfortable. It was as if he knew what occupied her mind. Asher was one of the people she wanted to meet up with but couldn't because of her ketones, but that also meant that SAM had to contact her brother and cancel it.

It made things between them weird. Ryder never saw these visits between her and her brother as work. The only reason SAM cancelled it was because Ryder told her brother she would come and when she remembered about it, it was already too late. When she told that to Lexi SAM told her he already took care of it. Maybe that was the reason things were weird between the two of them.

Ryder didn't know what she would've done without him. SAM not being in her head was something she couldn't imagine anymore.

"You look tired," he observed.

I have no reason to be.

It was her first day back at work. Usually Ryder would feel exited to be back. After all it was how she felt every time she had to take time away from work. She didn't only feel physically exhausted but emotionally too. The ketones took more out of her then she cared to admit.

"Yeah." It was a short and vague answer that she gave. But she didn't know what else to add.

"Are you okay?" he asked, concerned. "Lexi said you were sick but nothing else."

It was surprising to Ryder. She thought if Lexi would have told him that she was sick she would've given more information as well. He must've asked after he got the message from SAM.

"I'm fine," she assured him. "Just ketones." Ryder rubbed it off as if it was nothing. As if days ago she didn't experienced a new level of tiredness. As if she wasn't afraid that the ketones would kill her.

"Oh," Asher said. "That's…" he didn't know what to say. Even though her brother had a vague idea of what ketones is she could see he didn't really understand what she experienced. "That's not good. That's some scary crap."

Oh, it's nothing. I just puked my guts out and couldn't walk without the walls support. No big deal.

How could she tell another living being how she felt? How scared she was. How she could physically feel her body destroying itself. Her body letting her down, yet it was all her fault. Because she didn't try hard enough.

The truth was she couldn't. Her feelings and fears might be valid but it was still stupid. She had to get over it.

"Yeah, it was…" she trailed off thinking of the right thing to say. There was nothing that fitted and her mind made itself up," … unpleasant."

It wasn't a lie.

"You should be careful," Asher said but it was the wrong thing to say, yet she couldn't blame him. "That's no games."

Why did people think she didn't know what was on stake? She did, she needed no reminders. It wasn't like she was incapable of understanding. Ryder was experiencing this, not them.

It felt like her own brother was judging her. How was it possible that she felt to blame for all this but still got mad when people judged? It didn't make sense to her.

"Yeah, it's only my life," Ryder said in an angry tone.

Asher sighed realizing what his words did. "That's not what I meant."

Can't people say what they mean? Isn't it that simple? Why does it always need to be so damn complicated?

"I know," she said softly. It was a lie of course but Ryder didn't want to talk about this anymore. She wanted to move on.

Asher gave another sigh, "How did we get like this?"

Ryder was flabbergasted. Was he talking about something else? "You're going to need to give me more information than that."

"When we were younger we used to share everything because that's what twins did," Asher looked far off as he remembered better times. Times in another Galaxy.

Asher was right that's what they did. But he was wrong about the reason, they didn't do it because they were twins, they did it because they trusted each other and always had each other's backs. They didn't do it because that was what society expected of them.

Ryder didn't know what to say to her brother. What could she say? But his staring became too much and she needed to fill the silence. She needed this subject to be dropped. "We're not kids anymore. We grew up."

"That's crap and you know it," he said.

The one thing Ryder thought would turn things around did the exact opposite. "I don't know what you want me to say Asher," she sighed. "It is what it is."

"Then answer me this," he said, "Why wasn't it this way back home?" Ryder hated when he used a different tactic to make a point. "We were 22 when we left and we're still 22. We weren't kids when we left Amber."

"Yeah," Ryder started. He was right but she also changed a lot since Andromeda. This Galaxy changed her whether she liked it or not.

"Yeah?" he repeated. "What does that mean? We used to talk about everything."

"I told you I wouldn't keep secrets anymore," Ryder recalled the conversation they had about the unnecessary secrets she kept about their dad. She held her end. What was the problem?

"That doesn't mean the same," he said. "You never talked about how becoming a diabetic changed everything for you." When Ryder narrowed her eyes that said 'that's not true' he continued, "Not really. I ask, you tell the minimum."

"It's fine. It's what it is. There's nothing to talk about." Ryder waved what he said off with her words.

"It's not."

Asher was right. Ryder felt trapped, watchful eyes everywhere. Seeing where she could take a step wrong. Because everyone knew that she was a diabetic and there was no way she could hide it. It made her feel exposed.

That she was weak and needed to sometimes stop to eat something because her body demanded it. She was so mad, yet she didn't know at who. But none of this she could tell another person. Not even Jaal, and most definitely not her brother.

The food was the same. Or that's what it tasted like. The textures of it tasted boring and colourless. The flavours felt fake. Every day the same old diet. Every day the same. Scan sugar. Inject. Eat. It didn't matter if Ryder was hungry or not. Whether she wanted to eat or not. Her say didn't matter anymore.

Ryder missed the freedom of eating what she wanted when she wanted. Her food choices wasn't always the healthiest but it was her choice. She wished she ate more chocolate. More creamy meals. Then maybe she wouldn't craved them as much.

But she couldn't say it, even when those thoughts arose it felt silly. So Ryder's only answer was a stare.

Asher took that cue to go on, "You don't even talk about Dad's death."

Ryder narrowed her eyes again because she did talk about his death. She told him what happened. She couldn't understand why he would bring this up now. "I did."

"You talked about what happened. Went through it as fast as you could." Asher knew exactly to what Ryder referred to. "And you did it with no emotion."

Ryder was flabbergasted once again. She couldn't say anything to that. Her brother's words stung. He basically said I was cold. She wasn't cold.

She missed her Dad, and even though they didn't have a relationship she wished he was still here.

She handled his death by keeping herself busy. Distracting herself. And Andromeda had plenty of distractions to keep her mind occupied. It was easier that way.

"Look," Asher said after there were a long moment of silence between them and it was clear that Ryder wouldn't fill it, "All I'm saying is I'm here. Others too. You have support, you at least have mine. Use it."

But her brother's words felt hollow. It felt like empty promises people were making. People saying you have their support and them actually supporting you is two different things.

She felt alone. She felt other people's judgements. The way they were looking at her.

One moment she'll feel like she has support and then the next… there's nothing. People have a weird way of showing it.

Most of the time in Ryder's perspective people said that to be nice. But the truth is most only care about themselves. It was something she saw time and again.

"Okay," Ryder said. It wasn't exactly the appropriate thing to say but she said it anyway.

Just two appointments left for the day…

Ryder was never one of those people that couldn't wait for the end of the day but today was an exception.

Maybe it was because she was tired or…maybe it was because one of the meetings was with Tann. She had no energy for him. Whatever he wanted to talk about she knew she wouldn't want to hear it.

When she checked the time she realized she should've had her snack an hour ago. Ryder could feel that she didn't have one. The entire time she thought she forgot something but she couldn't put her finger on what it was. She felt more tired than before and the signs of a low sugar started to show.

With shaky hands she typed the commands to her omni-tool to see what it said. It took a while because no matter how hard she tried she was unable to read the words that swam before her eyes.

5.4

Why do I feel like this?

"Your sugar was higher this morning," SAM reminded her. Ryder must've said it through their private channel or said it out loud without realizing it. "Your body is also not used to it being normal."

Well that makes sense. After all I did have ketones a few days ago.

Since Ryder has become a diabetic she realized that when her sugar dropped even though it was to a normal level she still felt horrible. And then there were times where she haven't even realized that her sugar was low.

"Thanks SAM," she said through their private channel. "I have an hour to kill before my meeting with Tann. I'll eat something on the Tempest."

She did want to use that time for something else, but things didn't always go according to plan.

Ryder ate something, and drank some coffee with it. When she was done she felt refreshed and a little bit different but it was time to go on with the day once again.

She took a few deep breaths for courage when she stood in front of Tann's door. She knew there was no way things will go well with this mission.

She walked in and flashed Tann's assistant her best fake smile.

"Pathfinder," the assistant looked Ryder up and down. "The Director will see you now."

Ryder walked up the steps, but for the first time the steps felt heavy with burden. Each step felt harder to take. As if she prolonged the inedible.

She looked around but saw none of the other leaderships. Only Tann reading a datapad.

That can't be good.

"Ryder," Tann greeted her when he saw her," I'm glad that you could come."

Ryder frowned. What did that mean? Did he think something would come up again? Something that had to do with her sugar? But she didn't say it out loud. "Where are the others?" Maybe they were late? But that was wishful thinking. Ryder had a feeling that wasn't the case. After all they were never late before, why start now?

"I thought it would be best if we speak alone."

"Do they even know about this?" Ryder asked.

"No," he admitted. And Ryder was surprised that Tann admitted it to her. "But they don't need to be here for this."

"So, am I fired?"

Whatever Tann thought Ryder would say it wasn't that. His eyes widened. "Now why would you think that?"

"It doesn't matter," Ryder shoved it off as if it was a joke and not something she wondered for a long time. Ever since she became the Pathfinder she waited for a screw up that would result the title Pathfinder being stripped from her and given to Cora. But after the little success they had she thought there was a chance. She became hopeful. Until she became a diabetic and Cora had to take over many times. Even she had to admit she was becoming a liability, besides she wasn't the best Pathfinder these last few weeks. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Pathfinder," he started and it felt like he had a speech up on his sleeve. "I know you've been working hard. I'd imagine trying to fill Alec Ryder's shoes is not an easy feat.

"What are you trying to say Tann?" Ryder just wanted to get to the point. She had a long day and where she was tired before, she was exhausted now. Whenever the Director brought up her dad she didn't like where it was heading.

Tann sighed, clearly not wanting to say what was on his mind. "You've been taking a lot of time off."

I did ask if I was fired, didn't I?

Hearing Tann not going on, Ryder guessed that he was probably waiting for her. Maybe for an explanation. "Look Tann, I'm sorry about all of this. There's not much I can say." She sighed feeling helpless, "I've already told you what happened."

"That you did."

And that unsettled Ryder even more. Tann couldn't be straight with her.

"Okay… just tell me what's going on Tann," she rubbed her temple. It has been a long day and she was sure her expression started to show it. "I'm really not in the mood for games."

He narrowed his big eyes at Ryder but then he went on, "People have begun noticing." Ryder doubt that was the truth. Maybe he overreacted. Or maybe he said that to put her in her place. It was possible that people have begun noticing but not at the amount he was suggesting. "You need to start doing your job."

Ryder bite the side of her cheek to stop herself from giving the respond she wanted to give. She did do her job. And yes, things happened but that wasn't planned. "Meaning?" Ryder asked Tann to clarify.

"If we don't get outposts out there our people will die." Tann said plainly.

Why couldn't he start with that?

Tann was right. Ryder couldn't blame him. Besides Ryder there was only two other Pathfinders. Ryder had to do her part and if she was completely honest with herself, she hasn't been doing that.

"I know that," Ryder said. It came out as too defensive for her ears. "And that's exactly why we need to find Meridian." There was still Elaaden and Kadara that needed an outpost but elsewhere she placed outposts where she could. Havarl couldn't have one.

"There's other duties you've been neglecting as well. Reports was late. Important meetings that was either cancelled or you needed to walk early from," Tann ticked from his mental list.

As Tann's list went on Ryder had a mixed feeling between guilt and anger. She have been neglecting things. She knew. But she didn't expect it was this bad. Seeing this from a different perspective changed everything. She looked down at her hands they were shaking. She wasn't sure if it was from stress or something else. Anything was possible these days.

But the truth was Ryder tried her best to get to everything. She really did, but it wasn't enough.

"Look," Tann said, "We," meaning the leadership," understand. You couldn't have become a diabetic at a worse time. And I admit I don't know much about this disease."

She doubted that Tann truly understood. Actions spoke louder than words.

Maybe if I've been more careful things would've been different. I needed to be more careful on the Archon's ship. Why wasn't I?

She should've known it wouldn't be so easy. If it wasn't for her becoming a diabetic then she wouldn't have been in this dilemma. Just one thing that impacts everything. Changes everything. And while change can be good she definitely didn't think this was a good change.

But she was in this dilemma. And there was nothing she could do about it except accepting it and move forward. Handle it as best as she's able.

One look from Tann told her he was not done yet. "I heard you had something that is called ketones." It was clear that word was strange for Tann. An odd look spread on his features after he tasted the word, probably not being sure if he pronounced it correct. "I looked into it."

Oh crap, this can't be good.

"Pathfinder, you need to get your sugar under controlled," the warning came though it sounded more like an order. "We need you. We're all in unfortunate circumstances but we need the best for the people."

"I understand Director."

What else could she say? He was right. She needed to get her head in the game. Do what's best for the people.

"Dismissed," he said and his focus went back to his work. Not even waiting for Ryder to leave the room.

Her first day of work was full of meetings and appointments she missed thanks to her ketones. For that reason, she didn't have enough time to meet up with Harry.

It's funny. The idea she had of Diabetes now and 10 years ago is so different. But that's how things are, right? You need to first experience it yourself before knowing how it really is. And now she knew. Ryder really whished she didn't.

This made her regret the times she was judgmental over situations that had nothing to do with her.

She was hungry the whole time, no starving. But… she promised herself she will do better. Follow the diet strictly, not one wrong move. Even though her cravings didn't stop.

It was hard, it's not that she didn't try to follow her diet. She did, she did her tests and took her insulin, as well as her food when she should do it but there were times she couldn't follow it 100%. It was hard on missions, and then there was situations like the event with Jaal's family.

Was it the last straw that her body just said enough, or was it all just adding up? That's another thing. Her disease was starting to teach her more and more life lessons as time passed. People think something small is fine, but she learned that a small thing could change everything. It all counts. And maybe that was the thing that made this so hard. It all counted against her.

Or maybe it's just her.

Maybe this is so simple, and she's just really bad at it. That's possible too.

Ryder talked to Lexi again about getting extra insulin. She neither said yes nor no. Lexi clearly disapproved of her decision to help Erna and her daughter.

Ryder needed to talk to Harry to arrange everything. With Lexi everything seemed simpler. Ryder couldn't be sure why. Maybe it was because she knew more or less how Lexi will respond, but with Harry she couldn't be sure.

Since Lexi joined the Tempest Ryder got to know her better. Just like everyone she was a part of the Tempest crew. She was a part of the family. And without it the Tempest would've been so much different.

Lexi had an impact on everyone's lives. Even on Peebee, she'll never admit that though. That was just how Peebee was.

Ryder told Harry what happened. His eyes blinked and his head nodded as he heard more and more. But most importantly she read no judgement from his eyes.

"So can I get it?" Ryder asked hopefully. Harry's expression was hard to read. This could either be a yes or a no.

She had a feeling the doctor that looked after her brother was good at masking his emotions and thoughts. He was the only one who knew what he was thinking and feeling.

Instead of giving her an answer he asked a question instead, "Why do you want to do this?" The emphasize was on want, as if she wanted to do this and not needed to do this.

"I need to do this," Ryder clarified. "Want has nothing to do with this."

He rubbed his chin with his index finger and thumb, "Let me put it this way. What does these people have that make them so special for you to drop everything and help them?"

Ryder was at a loss of words. She didn't have an answer. She couldn't deny it, that's what she did. The first chance she had she came to spoke with him abut it. After all the other appointments couldn't wait. But as a diabetic she felt it was her duty to help other diabetics who were in difficult situations. This was personal to Ryder.

"Do you disagree?" Ryder asked instead, "Should I have done nothing?"

Nobody agreed with her, why would Harry? Everybody thought she was used. It was important to her. Why wasn't it clear to others?

"That isn't what I've said. It depends on what your motives are."

"So you'll give them to me?" Ryder asked before she said something that might change his mind.

"It's your choice," Harry said, his chair creaked as he sat straighter. "Are you sure you want to do this? You won't be able to give them free insulin forever."

Ryder knew how to read between the lines. This was the last time she would be able to do this. She would need to find another solution.

"Yes. I have to."