Chapter 14: Lows and Spasms
Notes:
Many thanks to Pip_n_Flinx for betaing.
"What's next?" Jaal asked when they left the colony.
"Now we get to the vaults." The Remnant were very interesting, though she might not be as interested in them as Peebee. The first vault on Eos was fun, sure, but she had almost frozen to death in the Voeld vault.
From the groan that Jaal let out she could tell he wasn't thrilled either. Drack just shrugged his big broad shoulders. It was just another mission to him.
The drive to the first structure was long and bumpy.
As she drove she began to feel awful. Her eyes were sore, she wanted to do nothing else than letting them fall and sleep. It was getting harder and harder to keep them open. She lifted her one hand from the steering wheel. Her hand was shaking rapidly and she quickly placed it back before anyone saw.
If either Jaal or Drack saw they wouldn't be happy and let her stop, but that didn't necessarily mean her blood sugar was low.
"Pathfinder, your body is showing signs of a low." Ryder realized that he didn't say it was a low. So what did that mean? "Your sugar isn't low yet, but it is dropping. Please proceed with caution."
Did SAM say please for her sake or was there another reason?
"Thanks for the warning SAM."
This all happened through their private channel. Ryder was very grateful to SAM for that. It wouldn't bode well for her if the others heard.
After driving around in circles trying to find the opening of the cave where the remnant structure was, they finally found it. They drove into the dark cave, lights switched on, Ryder could see a little better. The remnant structure gave a glint of where it was and they stopped. All three ready for what they may face.
Ryder interacted with the remnant structure. With the AI's help, Ryder solved the puzzles quickly and all of a sudden Remnants were everywhere.. Everyone was ready except for Ryder. It was as if she lost her balance in the Galaxy. It was twice as hard to think.
She might've been physically ready but not mentally. She was struggling to steady her weapon. The assault rifle was scattering in her hands. In a matter of seconds she felt from bad to worse.
"Ryder, you have low blood sugar."
"Really SAM? Now? It isn't exactly the best time." It was the worst possible place for this happening. Ryder wasn't sure if she would be able to shoot straight.
When both Drack and Jaal threw Ryder their own versions of weird looks from where they took cover she realized she must've said it out loud. "Don't worry," Ryder assured them. Besides they didn't know what SAM told her. Or at least that's what she hoped. "Focus on the fight."
To escape the awkwardness Ryder lifted her head out of cover and took the first shot. But instead of firing at the Observer she shot at the side of the remnant structure.
Smart Amber. Shoot as the thing that can't possibly shoot you back.
She threw her assault rifle on the ground next to her and began glowing blue as she started to make use of her biotics.
She was going to pay for this later, she knew. Ryder could feel her biotics draining what little energy she had left. But the consequences didn't matter.
"Pathfinder I advise against that."
"I can't shoot straight SAM," this time she spoke through their private channel. She threw a biotic field at the Observer and it hit a part of a structure.
She had to duck quickly as another Observer shot his laser beam at her. If she had ducked a second later she would've been hit. Sitting against the cover she could see black marks where the laser beam left.
She looked over to Drack and Jaal, they had no trouble. And it sounded like they were enjoying themselves. Drack shot one Observer at the center that looked awfully like an eye. He let out a victorious laugh, "Gotcha."
"Ryder," she heard Drack. "Shoot that damn Assembler it's making babies." It sounded like Drack was giving her orders. He must've realized her head wasn't in the game.
She first shot the Assembler, a weak nova. It barely touched it. She tried another biotic attack but that was even weaker. This isn't good. Her biotics were getting more useless by the second. Was it because of her sugar? She couldn't be sure. With shaky hands, she took her rifle and just before she could shoot anything a beam hit her shoulder.
She saw stars, the edges of her vision were blurry. Then she felt a sharp pain from her shoulder. Her shoulder was on fire, aching uncomfortably. When she finally got up she saw the Assembler exploding. She didn't see who and how but either Drack or Jaal must have done something. She still had a lot of medi-gel left and quickly dispensed it.
She shot multiple shots but most missed.
When they were done heavy footsteps went to Ryder. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Drack asked and Ryder couldn't tell if the krogan was angry or not. "Your head wasn't in the game Pathfinder."
"Uh…" Jaal started unsurely. "Is she supposed to look like this?" He asked carefully, not being sure how to describe Ryder's state.
"I'm fine," she struggled to get up. More so now that she couldn't use both of her hands. "My sugar is just low. I'll eat something in the Nomad."
But Drack was still mad. "Next time tell us Pathfinder. We could've covered for you."
Jaal agreed with their krogan teammate, "He has a point."
One deep breath. She hoped it'll give her the energy she needs, but it was in vain. "I can't stop everything when my sugar demands it," she explained. It will happen that sometimes she'll need to hold on for a bit. She can suffer a low for the time being. There were more important things. "Life doesn't stop. It goes on."
"You should trust your team," Drack interjected.
"I do."
"Then act like it."
This argument was pointless, they all knew it, and the person who spoke first outloud was Jaal. "Let's go to the Tempest." But from the way he was looking at Ryder he was mad too, "We can discuss it there."
The walk back to the Nomad was… Ryder wasn't sure what it was. It was more than tense or awkward. It was unbearable for her. Two pairs of eyes were watchful when she ate something. It felt like they were going to grab the food from her with their eyes.
Afterwards, she announced they would go to the next remnant site. Jaal and Drack didn't like the idea of that at all. Drack's glare was enough, yet he decided to give voice to his thoughts. "Not happening Ryder."
"We need to-"
"Not happening Ryder," he almost spat her name out. "If you want to go back fine, but I'm not coming back with you."
Reluctantly Ryder agreed. She started the Nomad's engine and drove to the Tempest. The whole ride there her shoulder ached and protested. But she ignored it.
When they got to the armory Gil was there. "Who died?" he said to lighten the mood but it had the opposite effect. All of them shot him looks, he lifted his hands, "Alright, sorry I asked."
"Find me in the Galley," Drack said before he left.
But unlike Drack Jaal wasn't leaving. As angry as Drack was at Ryder she was looking even less forward to talking to Jaal about this. Every person on the Tempest held a special place in Ryder's heart. But Jaal's was more important. The thought of him looking at her as he did was something she wanted to avoid. And now she couldn't.
"Can we talk now?" he asked. There was no judgment. No anger.
Ryder thought of an excuse. Of something to not having this conversation right here and right now. But what would avoiding this do? It was better to have this conversation now. "Yes."
"Why didn't you tell us?" The question suggested something far worse. It was as if she kept the worst things from the people she trusted the most. And that wasn't the case.
"We can't stop every-"
"That's not what I asked." The tone of his voice was even calmer than before, but yet there was no space for argument.
"What do you want me to say?" She knew they wanted her reasonings. And that was something she didn't want to give.
He stared at her for a while, "Just tell me what happened." Jaal was at a loss for words. He didn't know how to approach this. Either that, or he thought this was the best approach.
"On the drive there I began feeling awful." It was when her hands began to shake and she was hit with a wave of tiredness. "SAM gave me a warning."
"That your sugar is low?" If that was the case she would've eaten something, maybe a ration bar while she drove. But she still wouldn't have told them her sugar fell, they would've let her stop the Nomad. There was no time to waste here.
"No, he said it was beginning to drop and I should proceed with caution."
"What I don't understand," Jaal said calmly. Too calm for her taste. "Why wouldn't you tell us about that?" Jaal was thinking back to the fight, glimpses of how Ryder was probably failing the team. "You didn't proceed with caution, if we knew we would have covered you."
Ryder sighed, and she didn't know if it was from desperation or exhaustion. "Do you want the truth?" Besides, it was Jaal, if there was one person in this Galaxy she owed the truth it was him. Wasn't that how relationships worked? Being honest with one another. He did those things. Ryder… not so much. She needed to work on it.
"That would be appreciated." He said it with caution. Jaal was careful not to make things worse.
"If I told you about this you and Drack would've told me to stop."
Confusion spread to all corners of his face, "Would that have been so bad?"
"Jaal," Ryder said, "There will come a time where my sugar falls in battle. Everyone will be occupied with the enemy. It will be a hard fight. It might even be one that will feel impossible to win." It wasn't that she doubted her team's capabilities. She was a realist. These things happen. And Ryder couldn't help but think about it. "Do you honestly think it's fair of me to say that my sugar fell in a fight like that? Someone else could get hurt because of me. That is irresponsible."
Jaal nodded as understanding kicked in, "I think I understand, but I also disagree with you." The frown on Ryder's forehead told him he should explain better, and that's what he did. "A team should depend on each other."
Having a debate with Jaal over this wouldn't solve anything. "I should learn to deal with it until the fight is over. And I'm getting better at it." Ryder didn't know if that was the truth.
But he wasn't satisfied. "At least tell me when I'm on the team and if I'm not there, tell someone else."
She shook her head, that wouldn't work. But she knew she should give Jaal something. "What if I say I'll think about it?" It might as well be a lie because Ryder's mind was already made up.
His blue eyes stared at her for too long. They expose her yet she didn't know what they saw. "Alright," Jaal said reluctantly.
"Drack."
"Ryder."
The greeting alone was tense and it brought an uneasy feeling to her stomach.
"You talked to the Angara?" Of course Drack would jump to that conclusion. It's probably why he left the armory as fast as he did. He knew Jaal and Ryder needed to talk.
"Yes I did."
Drack hummed. "Good. That's the least you owe him."
That was fair, she deserved it. Drack wasn't wrong though. He was the one she owed a talk to. But she didn't come immediately to the Galley after she was done. She couldn't. Ryder needed some air, some space, before talking to the next teammate. But an hour had passed and it was time to face the music again.
"Look, Drack you have to understand…"
"I understand why you didn't tell us." His words shocked her. He understood but Jaal didn't. Whatever she expected Drack to say, it wasn't that. He shrugged his large shoulders, "You're a leader, you should act like it."
"But it was wrong?" She didn't mean to sound it like a question but that's how it sounded. The words were weak and frail. She knew she didn't handle things the right way, but she didn't regret it either. Her actions were justified. And that wasn't about to change anytime soon.
"Yes," he poked her hard. The movement sent her a step or two backward. Luckily he didn't do this with her sore shoulder. "You have a team for a reason. Dammit Ryder, should I spell it out for you."
"Drack…"
"I don't give a damn what your reasons are. This can hurt your team in the future."
Drack had a point but it didn't change a thing. She needed to find the best option. Right now she hadn't found it yet."
When Ryder didn't say anything else he continued. "Let me put it so you'll understand it, kid." He talked to her as if she was a child. And she knew she wouldn't like where this was heading. "Would you be happy if any of your team pulled the kind of crap you did today?"
Ryder wouldn't. It would add more obstacles. But this was different. She shouldn't depend on others when this happens. That would make her a liability. And she wouldn't be a liability if she could help it.
"That's different."
"That's a lie and you know that Ryder." There was a moment of silence, "Don't make promises you can't keep. But if you want to improve in the future you'll do well to remember this. Dammit Ryder, you have Harper for a reason."
Ryder already depended too much on Cora. That needed to stop.
She turned around to leave the room but stopped when Drack spoke again, "You should let Lexi take a look at that."
"Will do," Ryder said and went to the med bay. At this point, she didn't want another crewmember to be mad at her.
She hated how her diabetes was starting to affect everything. Why was this so hard even though she was trying her best?
But Ryder had to keep trying. Today was a failure but tomorrow is a new start. A new hope that everything will work out.
Sometime later Jaal made his way to the Pathfinder quarters. The Tempest halls were getting quieter. Everyone was getting ready for bed. He decided it would be best to check on Ryder now.
At dinner she wasn't her usual self. She was trying her best not to snap at anyone. He saw the signs. The way she took a deep breath before answering. The looks she shot at others when they said things she disagreed with. Her eyes said more than her words could.
Her blue bright eyes were usually full of energy, but tonight they were bleary and unfocussed. She rolled her neck too many times. Her hand was either touching her temple or neck at every possibility. As if it needed support.
Ryder had left abruptly, saying she had too much work to do. Her movements were slow, as if it took everything out of her to move her legs.
"What's up with her?" Peebee asked when the Pathfinder left.
After swallowing her food Cora shrugged, "Probably just a long day. We all have those off days."
But it was more than that and it was impossible for Jaal to ignore it.
"Ryder?" he asked softly. He didn't want to disturb her if she was sleeping.
After a few moments silence was his only answer. "SAM, is Ryder sleeping?"
"No Mr. Ama Darav."
"Will you ask her if I can come in?"
"One moment please."
The door swooped open. But darkness met him. It confused him. "SAM please switch on the lights."
Not a second after Ryder spoke the room was filled with light. The first thing he saw was datapads scattered on the floor. Three empty water bottles were there as well. Her terminal was still on, but Ryder wasn't at her desk.
Her back was against the wall, she was sitting on the floor. Her blonde hair was loose from something Cora called a pony tail. The thing that usually holds her hair together was on her wrist. Fingers were digging into her hair. And when she looked up her eyes slowly blinked, he could tell the light was stabbing her eyes with its sharpness. It was hurting her.
One thing was clear to him, she didn't care who saw her like this. Scenarios ran through his head. Was her sugar high? Was it low? If she wasn't feeling well, why wasn't she in bed?
"SAM," he called out. "Switch the lights off."
"No," Ryder's words stopped SAM. "It'll be okay."
"You're not okay. It's clearly hurting you."
Usually Ryder would've kept arguing, even something simple like the lights, but not this time. "Fine. Switch it off."
When he blinked his eyes again it met darkness, and he went to where Ryder was sitting. His eyes could still make out Ryder's form.
"Do you want to tell me what's going on?" The words came out softly, carefully. Ryder could've told him earlier what's wrong but she didn't. He didn't want to push her.
"Nothing." She didn't even shrug her shoulders, maybe it was too much of an effort. "It's just a headache."
Jaal wasn't convinced. Ryder had them numerous times before and it was unlike this. This was much worse.
But before Jaal could ask, Ryder sighed. She could see through him. "I don't know what to tell you. I have spasms…"
"Spasms?" Jaal was confused.
"My neck and shoulder blades hurt," she explained. " It feels like my head is going to explode."
"And that's why the light is hurting you?"
"Not exactly… I'm just sensitive to it."
Jaal nodded and wondered if Ryder saw it. If she saw it she gave no indication. She bowed her head again and he wondered if that helped.
"Did you go to Lexi?"
"Yeah," she said without lifting her head. "She gave me something but it didn't do a thing."
That didn't answer all of his questions though. "Why are you sitting here?"
There was a long pause as she lifted her head up. He could feel the hard stare she shot him, as if he asked a stupid question. "I just need a moment… then I'll go on with work."
"Pathfinder, you have been sitting here for 50 minutes."
"5 more minutes," she mumbled. Ryder sounded like she had been sleeping and asked for more sleep. But that's exactly what she should be doing.
"Ryder?"
"Mmmh?"
"You need to go to bed." Jaal's voice made it sound like a suggestion but it was more than that.
"Can't." Her words were curt. Sentences incomplete. It took a lot out of her. "Too much work."
Ryder was unnecessarily stubborn. But Jaal knew she wouldn't listen to reason so he scooted closer to her. "I'll sit with you."
When his body touched her she lay her neck on his shoulder. He could feel her relaxing. He wondered if stress had an influence. Ryder was under a lot of stress lately. He wrapped his arms around her and they sat in silence and darkness.