Chapter 20 – But You're in My Mind (1:16)
I never knew what it meant to give my heart to someone. I never thought I would know. Didn't have a reason to think I would, until it's gone like a memory, along with the person who holds it. I didn't realize I had until he was gone. I thought it mattered. Thought he cared. I thought I could talk to him about all the things I couldn't anyone else. Everything that I… couldn't with 'mega, because it was about her, or because it wasn't important for her to know. I just thought I'd do it later, when they came back, a time I never got.
And here I am, forever not understanding why I could.
When I drew that engraving on his bunk, I didn't realize how much I put into it. How real it was. I thought it was something… childish. Not real. Until now.
The tunnel is dark, and being here makes my skin crawl. I don't think this'll end well. Maybe I'm just… too jittery. Maybe I really am a little afraid of dying.
"We need to go back," Crosshair speaks up like someone actually wanted to hear his voice. "There must be another way."
"'fraid of the dark?" I snip back, pausing. "Be honest here. It's not like you care if something happens to me. Or any of us," I add as an afterthought, glaring at the memory of him trying to stab Hunter. I almost wish I hadn't seen, but if I hadn't, Hunter would be dealing with that knowledge alone. It's not something he'd ever tell anyone.
"That would be unwise," AZI replies, "I am afraid this is our best option."
"You done complaining?" Wrecker asks, pausing. He's not looking at Crosshair. I don't think he can. I hardly can, and I'm not the one who grew up with him. Not that it affects closeness much, but still. "You know, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be in this mess."
Crosshair stalks towards him slowly. It reminds me of the nexu on Saleucami – stalking, snarling, waiting to pounce, desperate to hurt. Like a predator stalking its prey. But that's just been the truth of our relationships, isn't it? "Something on your tiny mind, Wrecker?"
Wrecker looks away, and beside me, the others are pausing, looking back. "All that time, you didn't even try to come back." His sigh is quiet, defeated. Broken. Like all of us. "We still would have taken ya."
"Let it go, Wrecker," Tech cuts in, stepping up to him and laying a hand on his shoulder, turning him away from Crosshair. "Crosshair has always been severe and unyielding. It is his nature. You cannot change that." He looks pointedly at Crosshair, and he sounds… hurt. Tired. I've never seen Tech too tired to fight back – that's always what he's done, but maybe he's every bit as broken as the rest of us. And this is Tech. I don't know – he always fights. It's who and what he is. Seeing this, seeing him and Wrecker and Hunter, knowing that Crosshair did this to us, I just can't. "He cannot change that."
And Wrecker just walks off, just like that. because Tech said so, like he's giving up just on that – like there's something anyone can do to change this, like there's – I don't know. No more hope. Not that I've had any from the start.
"I think you're missing what he really is," I can't help cutting in, glaring. "A coward."
"Vision," Tech objects, taking a half-step towards me.
"No," I snap, jerking forwards. "No." I stalk up to Crosshair, glaring, chest heaving and my hands icy cold. I don't think I've ever been so angry in my life. "You are a coward," I snarl, "You're too afraid to do what you know is right. You know, the only thing that has ever made you special is being their brother. Without us, you are nothing."
"Vision," Tech says firmly, pulling me back.
"No!" I yell, shoving his hand away and whirling to glare at him. "You know it's true! He thinks he's something special, but he's not! We make each other. We always have!"
"Crosshair has his own skills, as we all do," Tech objects, "We might add to one another's abilities, but are not defined by each other."
"That's what it means to be a family! Don't you understand that?"
He looks… I don't know. Hurt. That's all I ever can do.
I step back, biting my lip.
I want to apologize. I just don't know how.
"Why are you defending me?" Crosshair asks.
"I am not," Tech retorts, turning back to him. "Understanding you does not mean that I agree with you."
Omega's hand closes over mine, and she tugs me back. "C'mon, Viz," she pleads, pulling me away from the duo. I turn back, blinking back tears. Hunter and Wrecker exchange glances. Hunter's helmet is on, but I can only imagine their expressions. This is destroying all of us. What is wrong with me? This isn't Tech's fault. He has a right to defend Crosshair. I – I just wish someone would do that with me.
Omega approaches the side wall, shining her flashlight into the darkness, and studying the glass. "AZI, this doesn't look very safe," she whispers to the droid hovering beside her. I wipe my eyes off on my hand, blinking at it. There are cracks everywhere. She's right. It could fracture easily, and the – the vision.
"Barring any further complications, this enclosure remains a viable means of transport," AZI replies.
"We gotta move," I speak up, backing away from the wall. My skin is crawling with nerves. "Fast."
Something sounds in the distance, and everyone freezes.
"Uh, I think we got a problem," Hunter says, staring at a dark shadow approaching.
I remember the water. The – stars, we gotta move.
"AZI, these tunnels are protected, right?" Omega whispers again.
I groan. "The power's down, so, that's a no, right?"
"Correct," AZI agrees, "They are protected when the power is operational, which it is not."
The creature roars again in the distance, and I think it's coming closer.
"We gotta go," I breathe, backing up, "It's gonna attack us. Or try to. Whatever."
"You're right," Hunter says, "Run."
We run.
"AZI, try to get the power on!" I yell to him as we run – the creature is coming fast, and we're not going to make it. "We gotta stop that thing."
"I am on it," he replies worriedly, flying for the exit, "Try to stay alive!"
The sea monster hits the glass wall, and it fractures instantly. It'll be only minutes before the glass breaks entirely and we're sucked into the sea.
"They're all going to die here because of your failed leadership."
No. No. No one is going to die here. I won't let it.
I should've thought about that before taking the time to yell at Crosshair, though.
AZI does get the power on in the nick of time, and we barely manage to make it, scrambling up into the facility before the tube floods behind us. I flop onto the floor next to Wrecker, closing my eyes and breathing for a few minutes before picking myself up and hesitantly look at Tech. He looks down at me, briefly, and I can't even read that look. It's too dark. With the hurt burning in me, I don't think I'll be able to apologize now. Hunter's hand touches my shoulder, and I lean into it, throwing my arms around his waist.
It's fleeting, but I'm just so glad he's safe. I was so, so worried when he fell.
Does Crosshair even know what happened? Does he care?
How couldn't he?
There's still an endless list of questions buzzing around in my mind.
Once we finally reach the lab again, Hunter pulls his helmet off and shines his flashlight around. "What is this place?"
"Home sweet home," I supply dryly, rolling my shoulders.
"Nala Se's private lab. Omega says this is where our mutations were manipulated and enhanced," Tech replies.
"How would she know?" Crosshair grumbles.
"She's smarter than you," I snark back without looking at him.
"Because she was there," Tech explains. Stars, I have no idea how he has so much patience. Tech is so gentle with his little brothers. I'm the youngest. I can't understand that, but I wish he… was like that for me. I wish I felt protected by him. "Omega was created before us. Technically, she is older than we are."
Crosshair is staring at Omega like he's never seen her before, and I snort, turning across the lab to where Omega and Wrecker are already at the window.
Being back here brings up so many memories of things I don't want to think about. I remember how achingly lonely I felt here before. I… remember all of it. How badly I wanted to see our brothers again. How I counted the days into infinity. How desperate I was for our family to be together for the first time.
Here we are, together, but forever torn apart. I think we're doomed. Or cursed.
"That's gonna be a problem," Wrecker murmurs, flashlight shining at the broken tunnel.
I groan softly. That's our only way out.
"That tunnel was the only way to the Marauder," Omega says slowly, near tears again.
"It would seem that, once again, we are trapped," AZI agrees.
Echo moves to the side, checking something on a control panel. I stand in the center, watching numbly as everyone mills around. There's really nothing to do down here.
"Long-range comms are down," Echo reports, "And our oxygen levels will be critical in a few hours."
A few hours left to live? How sweet.
Never thought of the things-to-do-before-I-die list before, but here I am.
"This is what happens when you let a kid call the shots," Crosshair interrupts snidely, glaring at Omega.
I can tolerate him being here, hurting me, but I can't just deal with it when he's hurting Omega. "I'm heartbroken to report that we're all children," I snark back, "You're just an oversized nine-year-old."
"That kid saved your life," Hunter snaps back, stepping forward, "Unlike the Empire, who left you for dead."
"That's your problem, Hunter. You take things too personally." Crosshair stalks across the room, prowling inches away from Hunter again. Why does he always do that?
I blink. What the? Is he for real? As if he hasn't hunted us all across the galaxy because he's angry at us for – for some imagined slight? It couldn't have been imagined though, could it? It had to've been something.
If we're messed up enough that Crosshair tried to kill us, then – then what are we?
"They destroyed an entire city," Hunter retaliates.
"They did what needed to be done," Crosshair insists stubbornly, entirely unfazed. He's supporting the people who tried to kill us, and that makes it hurt even worse. It's not just about him. He just – he wants us dead. Not just me. That, I could understand. No one really wants me, anyway. "Kamino, regs, the Republic… That time is over. The Empire will control the entire galaxy, and I am going to be a part of it. Hunter, you made the wrong choice." He shoves past Hunter, heading across the room.
I somehow thought it couldn't hurt worse than it did, but I was wrong. He just denounced every single thing that makes us a family. We're always supposed to choose each other.
"Yeah, and some of us care more about family, than power and politics," I spit back, whirling away.
"Don't fool yourself," Hunter calls after him. "All you'll ever be to them is a number."
Omega's hand slides into mine again, and I look up at her, biting my lip. There's an emptiness in her eyes that is so uncharacteristic it hurts. "I know you're angry," she says softly, "But he's still our brother."
I shake my head, struggling to find words. There are no words for the pain ripping me apart. I don't think there ever could be. This is Crosshair, and he just – he's hurting us, threw us aside for his own gain. That's not something I can even begin to understand. "I don't know what to say."
"We need to talk to him. Please, Viz, we hafta try."
I close my eyes, sighing. "Okay. Go. I'll come with you."
I'm surprised she doesn't give me a you-need-to-shut-up speech, but then again, this is Omega. She's too nice. And I have to protect her.
Crosshair's rubbing his head again, jaw clenched, and I wince a little when I see it.
Did Hunter hit him that hard?
Omega sits beside him, expression pinched with worry and hurt. Crosshair freezes, jerking his hand down and turning away. The unsettledness in my gut grows. "You never liked it on Kamino, did you?" Omega asks, like that could be an excuse for being uncaring that our home is falling apart around us.
"Go away," Crosshair snarls, and I feel my hackles rise again – no one talks like that to my siblings. Not to Omega.
"I understand," she continues undeterred, the same way she is whenever I get moody and mean. "I spent most of my life in this lab. I was alone down here, until you four were created." (And that's why they're so special to her – they are everything I am not and never will be. She doesn't need someone to take care of. She doesn't need me. She just needs them. People who aren't too weak to care for her.) "That's why I was determined to find you all again."
"Being a clone doesn't make you one of them," Crosshair spits back, nodding towards our brothers.
"You're an idiot," I snarl, stepping forward. My voice is shaking still, near breaking, and I don't sound nearly as angry as I'd like to because of it, but I'm not backing down. "And a coward." I cut off his "and you're not?" by continuing to talk over him, anyway. "You know what's right, and you're too afraid to do what you need to. We all started with Omega. Clone Force 99 began with her. Not with Hunter. And you're not really part of it, anyway. Maybe you never have been."
Omega is practically gaping at me, and I don't even blame her. I'd be horrified at me, too, but I don't even care.
I'm so, so tired of him hurting us.
Crosshair renounced every single thing that has made our family. What am I supposed to do? Keep chasing someone who doesn't care about me and never has? Someone who tried to kill her?
I rock back on my heels, glaring at him again before spinning around and stalking off.
He's glaring at me, too, and I opt not to think about how there was a flare of hurt in his eyes.
"And you will never be a part of them, either."
I pause at Crosshair's voice, turning back and no, I do not care if I not-so-accidentally shine my flashlight in his eyes. "Yeah, thanks. I already know I'm no one. And I'm not afraid of it, unlike you."
"She's just angry," Omega says quietly. "She doesn't mean that – it's not true. You are our brother. You always have been."
"I know her. Better than you ever will."
I'm about to turn around and rip his head off for talking to Omega like that – wait, is that supposed to be – never mind. I have no idea what that's supposed to mean, and I don't care, either.
I'm expecting Omega to come back with some other sort of useless platitude, as if he'd listen to her more than anyone else, but she doesn't. "I wanted to believe it was the inhibitor chip that made you like this… but I was wrong."
Finally, she's getting it. He didn't seem evil or cruel when I knew him, but it's – it's what he is, and I don't know how to deal with that. None of us do.
Wrecker catches sight of us, of me, and he lifts me into his arms, carrying me back to the others. I wrap my arms around his neck, lowering my head so I don't have to see Crosshair in the background. Wrecker has carried me like this before, back when we were still together, just at random – if I needed it. If… he was trying to help. And Crosshair was always there then. Wrecker would always take me to him.
It's not that Crosshair could help – it's just that he… he's like me, I guess. Cold. Vicious. Cruel. Uncaring. I hate whatever both of us are.
"These medical capsules are our way out of here," Echo says, and the others launch into a conversation about that.
Wrecker sets me down, but I stick close to him, anyway.
Hunter's only objection is that we won't have directional control, but considering the circumstances, I think it's worth the risk either way.
"The droid," Crosshair supplies, approaching us again, "He can do it."
"AZI, can you guide us to the surface?" Hunter asks him.
"Barring any extraneous complications, I should be able to complete the task," AZI promises.
"Won't that be dangerous?" Omega queries worriedly.
"Your safety and well-being is my primary mission objective," the droid replies. I reach out, grabbing his hand. It's hard and cold and metal, but I still want to give reassurance. We'll make it out. What makes us, who we are, is that we always find a way to survive.
"Who's where?" I ask, "There's four. We'll hafta double up, except one unfortunate somebody who has to snuggle with glass."
"That will have to be Wrecker," Tech says, not even objecting to the rest of my insanity, "Unless you are volunteering to share with him."
I step up to the capsules, taking a closer look at them. "Never mind!" I squawk. "I don't wanna sit on his head!"
"I'm with Crosshair," Hunter says, and I don't miss how they pointedly don't look at each other.
"I'll go with you," I tell Omega, walking up to her, after throwing a brief glance at Hunter. "Like I always do." She is one of us, and I'll prove that to her, in every way I have to.
From there, it's fast. Omega and I set the charges while the boys – minus Crosshair, who stands there, just staring at us and being utterly useless – move the capsules into position.
Omega and I pile into the capsule, holding hands.
"Seal 'em up," Hunter orders, and I hit the button, closing the glass over us. Omega presses her free hand to the glass, watching as AZI flies over to Hunter, giving him a thumbs up. He nods, and Omega pulls out the detonator.
"Do you want it?" she asks.
I take one last look at our home, inhaling deeply. "If this place blows, I'd rather you be the one to do it. I've destroyed enough already."
Omega looks at Hunter in silent question, who nods to her, and I squeeze my eyes shut, bracing myself.
The explosions are almost instant. It's muffled through the glass, but I hear it and see the light.
It's not like there'll be anything left of the lab soon, anyway, but it still hurts a little.
It doesn't matter.
We're fine. We'll make it.
Or, so I thought, until I See another brief flash of – of something. The familiar click of a rifle, and Hunter's worn expression. Worried, but too tired to fight.
I bite my tongue, squeezing Omega's hand tighter. If Crosshair turns on us, I don't think anyone will have the heart to fight back. I certainly wouldn't. Not that I know he's… him now.
"This is who I am."
"He would do anything for you."
"This is exactly what I am."
I'd said something like that to Omega, too, but that – it doesn't mean anything. I'm not even going to hope Crosshair isn't himself, because the – I can't go through that. I can't take that risk.
I'm forcibly snapped back to the present when our pod gets tangled in some debris, and AZI – who's nearly out of power – flies back to free us. I was so oblivious earlier that I didn't even notice, and all I can feel is numb certainty. My visions are… happening now, and I think I know what it means. I don't want to lose AZI. He's the only friend we've ever had.
"Don't give up," Omega begs. "We're nearly there."
"Your path is clear," he promises, whirring as he starts shutting down. "I have completed my objective."
"No!" Omega yells, but his eyes go dark. and he starts falling.
"No," I breathe, hands pressed to the glass. "No, we've come so far, we can't –"
"We have to save him!" Omega says desperately, turning to me.
I look from her, back to AZI, and pull out my comm. She's asking me to do this. I am nothing if I don't answer that. "Hunter, we're going after AZI. Hey, Crosshair, you told me to do this like two hundred rotations ago. It's a bit past due."
"Vision, Omega, don't!" Hunter yells over me, but Omega's already hitting the controls, opening the door. She drops her flashlight as she goes, and I let myself drop beside her, swimming down to grab AZI's other hand.
The water is smothering around me. It feels more like we're just flailing, and really, swimming upwards one-handed is very, very hard, especially dragging a droid. I don't dare look at 'mega, keeping my eyes focused on the light I see at the surface.
It's dark, and the water's closing in on me, and my lungs are burning, and I can't breathe. It's freezing, soaking through my clothes and hair and it's so, so cold. I never knew Kamino was so cold.
This is where I was born. I'm not gonna die here, too, am I? I don't wanna die like this. I don't want to die at all. I have so many things I need to say, and I – I want to make this right with Crosshair. I want what we were, even if it was never real. I don't want him gone. I just want him back.
I'm not even gonna get that chance, am I?
I don't hear it, but I can still sort of See it.
When Crosshair fires a cable down onto AZI, pulling us out.
I feel it when the water's finally gone, and I can breathe again, though it comes in shaky gasps, and I'm half coughing, half gasping. I feel the warmth of hands pulling me from the water – familiar, but not… familiar. It's –
Crosshair.
"Hold still," he grumbles, and it's close enough that I can hear that. Hear him. I want to cry at the sound. I – I would do anything to hear him, to stay with him.
He's holding me. Crosshair has many things, but he's never held me before, and it's brief, but it's still –
I'm still gasping, trying to breathe, still crying.
I don't remember starting.
Crosshair just saved me. He could've let me die. He could have let us both die, and I thought that's what he wanted. I don't understand why he saved us.
Maybe – maybe I was wrong. Maybe he does care. Just a very small amount. Not enough, but he saved me, and I can't even find words for that.
I recognize the feel of Hunter's hands on me – he remembered his promise to save Omega first – half pulling me into his lap. I reach out blindly for him, clinging to him, half mindlessly hoping that the burning in my eyes is just ocean water.
Crosshair saved us.
I was so awful to him because I thought he didn't care, but he – I don't understand this.
I can feel something around me is tense, but I don't care. I can't think about it.
I just want my family back.
"I have a visual on the Marauder," Tech's voice is the first I hear. "I suggest we start paddling."
I feel Hunter shifting around a little, and he's keeping himself firmly between us and Crosshair. Still braced for attack. Still – he always puts himself in the line of danger first. That hurts, too. He's hurt, and Crosshair could hurt him even more, but he's still… But this is Hunter. Of course, he doesn't care.
I can't think about this. Crosshair. Kamino. Everything.
My hands are itching to do something, and I'm still breathing shakily. My clothes are soaked, and I'm freezing. I reach up, fumbling with my headband until I finally rip it off, scooting to the edge of the pod and ringing it out. My hair is wet, and it's dripping down my face. This won't help, but I need to do something.
I twist it over and over until my hands are burning and sore, but I don't stop until Omega grabs my wrist, pulling me back. I let her, sliding down the side of the pod and just slumping there mindlessly.
My hands are still burning.
Omega takes it from me, running her fingers through my hair to smooth it back, and in a failed attempt to get the water out.
I want to ask if I should ring out the rest of my clothes, too, but the words stick in my throat, and nothing comes out. I don't think anyone'd find it funny, anyway.
My hands are still shaking. They're not stopping, and I press into Omega's side, no matter how cold and wet she is, trying to find comfort in her presence, the way I always used to years ago. I need it. Need her.
Omega's arm is around my shoulders, hugging me close, and I press into her side, still panting a little.
I don't really fall asleep, but I'm exhausted enough that my mind slips into a half-wake, half-dream state where I'm entirely aware of my surroundings, but too tired to be involved with them. Crosshair just saved my life, and that's the one thing at the forefront of my mind.
"He would do anything for you."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"This is who I am."
"You will never be a part of them, either."
I want him to touch me again. Even if it was just to hurt me. I'd rather. I just – I want to be with him again. I don't even care if it hurts.
I still love him. I've never stopped.
It wouldn't hurt so much if I had.
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