Chapter 21.5 - Bonus Chapter - Crosshair 1

"You're still their brother, Crosshair. You're our brother, too."

"We want different things, Crosshair. That doesn't mean we have to be enemies."

"We still would have taken ya."

"It is his nature. You cannot change that. He cannot change that."

"You still belong here, even if you don't remember."

Echo and Tech are the only two who didn't outright ask him back. It doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter.

Leaving was hard. Staying here is hard. He hates that he hates himself for doing that to them. For hurting them. They were supposed to stay with him. They were never supposed to leave each other.

He remembers a time when they were young, that they did... everything for him.

Crosshair doesn't know what changed . It wasn't him. It wasn't . He's never been different than he is now. Sure, maybe he's a bit... lonelier and angrier now, but that's because they left him .

How is he not good enough for them? He was. Used to be. He can't understand how that changed the minute they picked up Omega. From – oh, he doesn't even know, but he's still angry. Still hurt.

Echo didn't ask him back. Crosshair had wanted him. He wanted all of them. He did – he helped Echo. Tried to, even if it was hard, even if it hurt. Even if it was hard. He never gave up, because he thought Echo wanted him, that he... mattered to him. Doesn't know why he thought that. Echo didn't even look back .

Vision is – everything about her is complicated.

"You don't care about me that much."

"I would rather die fighting for who I love, than live fighting for something I don't believe in."

"You know, the only thing that has ever made you special is being their brother. Without us, you are nothing."

"We make each other. We always have !"

"I don't care about the – any of this. I just want my family back."

"I know what it's like to be alone."

"We – we miss you. We want you. We can still make this right."

She cared. She did. Once. A long time ago. He's slept every night on Kamino with the hearts she engraved into his bunk over him, and it hurts to see them. It always hurts – a perpetual reminder of what he had and lost. Of who he had and lost. She walked away from him, like everyone else. He cared about her. He hadn't wanted her, but she was there, and Crosshair accepted it. Accepted her, even if he was wary about it. He didn't understand her, but she was... their sister, and it was new and different, but she meant...

She meant a lot to him. He can't even say what.

"Why did you save me " she had said, as if there was even a reason. As if there had to be. He might be angry at her. That doesn't mean he wants to see her die.

She drove him crazy, and she looked at him like he meant the world to her, and he doesn't want her gone. He wanted that. (Crosshair thinks he looked at Hunter like that, too, sometimes. Because it was true. He did. He still does.) But she left and he's still angry at her for that, too, even if there was no way for her to stay with them, anyway. She's not ready. She's not – what they need. What they have. And she betrayed him, too.

Omega – that's so complicated, he doesn't even want to think about it, but he can't stop. She was so gentle. So kind. Vision cared about her. And then, she was gone, too. She said she cared about him, but she didn't try to help . She didn't try to stay.

Wrecker might've been... annoying and sometimes infuriatingly stupid but Crosshair can't believe he just left . Probably, he should, because Wrecker will always do what Hunter tells him, but it feels like... he should have mattered more than that. They used to do everything together. It drove Hunter crazy sometimes, the way they shadowed each other and – and everything .

( You shot him. What did you expect? That he'd welcome you back? That he could look you in the eyes again? Crosshair opts to ignore that voice entirely – it sounds like Vision even if she never said any of that – but he has nothing to do here. He has nothing but his own mind and the chorus of voices in his head.)

Tech had... Tech has always been gentle with him, but that's just what he is. There's a difference between that and loyalty, apparently.

He doesn't understand why he didn't deserve it. How they could just...

"Understanding you does not mean that I agree with you."

Tech looked out for them, too. Certainly not the way Hunter did, but he always knew things , and how could he not have known this? How could he not have tried? Why didn't he try?

Hunter was supposed to take care of them . Why didn't he? He always listened. Used to listen. Everything changed after Kaller, and it never used to be like that . They're not supposed to be at odds with each other. They – Hunter always made it obvious. He never hid. He never... lied to them.

They don't hide things from each other, until Hunter did the – all that , and Crosshair can't understand how it changed. Why it changed. He told them to come back. That's what... they were supposed to do. They were supposed to do everything together, always, to...

Vision can say a " we miss you " as much as she wants, but it wasn't enough for them to care to stay.

He's not going to leave everything they fought for just because they want him to . He's not a coward. He's not going to run because something makes him a bit uncomfortable.

"You know what you should work on? Explaining when you went soft!"

They meant something – everything – to him and it's still hard to wrap his mind around the fact that they just... left. Because of some spontaneous sense of – of – he doesn't know, or care, but he's just angry .

Hunter has always been there for him. He always took care of him, always – he was always there. He was always there when Crosshair needed him. He never left. He never – they don't do that . They're not like the regs. They've always been there with each other, so why ...

(He still remembers the raw, gutted look on Hunter's face. He still wants to punch him for it, because he doesn't get to be like that, but he feels awful for it, too, because Hunter never loses composure and Crosshair hasn't seen him so close to tears since they were seven. That was two years ago.)

He still dreams of Bracca. Of the explosion close enough it could've killed him. They nearly killed him. And they just... left.

Him.

Everything.

He's never been afraid of anything more than being alone. It isn't even something Crosshair thought he had to be afraid of until it happened, but here he is.

(The " we still would have taken ya " is still vibrating around in his mind, and he wonders what they would have said if – if he had. What they would have done. Where he'd be now. What... they'd be like. Then he remembers the "You're not really part of it, anyway, maybe you never have been", and he doesn't. " She's just angry " Omega had said. " You still belong here ," Vision had promised him. He doesn't know what to believe.)

In the end, it really doesn't matter.

His family is gone, and he's left here, alone.

"Without us, you are nothing."

Maybe that's all he's ever been.

They couldn't have – left him for nothing.

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