Chapter 29 - The Way I Feel Will Never Fade (2:5)

Author's Note: Sorry for missing last weeks update. :( I've hit a case of writers block in Vision for a very long time now, and I'm just about out of releasing what I drafted a while back. I'm thinking about dropping the release rate to once every two weeks until I'm able to get far enough to up it again.

~ Rivana Rita

Everything in my life was happy until I saw Phee again. Okay, that's a lie. I've been thinking obsessively about what Hunter said to me, and I don't know how to confront my fear of Crosshair again without seeing him again. I don't know how to accept what he did to us. I don't know how to just deal with my perpetual fear of being hurt by him again. But, if I want to be useful, that's what I have to do.

I know Hunter would not appreciate my line of thought, but the point stands. He's never been without what makes him him. He doesn't have a way of understanding the... helplessness. It's not like Seeing is the only Jedi thing I've been able to do. I've moved things sometimes, on instinct. If I could learn it, I could... help easier. Do more.

Do something.

"Echo?" I ask, poking his arm, "Have you ever heard of people just losing the Force before?"

"Well, no," he replies, turning to me, "Is there some reason you're asking?"

"Well... if it's happened to somebody else, that means I'm not a freak, and I actually have a chance at getting my Sight back."

"I thought you were more comfortable without it."

"It's what I am, Echo." I shrug, "That's kinda it. I can't be comfortable without it."

"You want it back," he realizes, and I nod, biting my lip. "We don't know if that's possible, Vision."

"I'm not gonna stop trying."

"Look, we don't even know if that's pos–"

"I. Don't. Give. Up." I'm not angry, just firm. Fierce. Determined.

Echo sighs. "What do you need to know?"

"I'm not sure. Just – tell me everything you know about the Force. About what it was like when you saw it used. If – if you're okay with it, obviously." I don't want to pressure. This is something I need to know, but he lost his general and commander. That can't be easy to deal with.

Echo glances to where Phee is talking to Cid's two idiot friends – Wrecker and Omega are off digging through a junkyard, and I'd have jumped at the chance to go, but... right now, I have other things to attend to. "Well," he says quietly, "I... remember the room always got really warm when the general used it. It was different for him, but everything felt... staticky. Like a charge. He never really talked about it, though. I know sometimes, the commander would struggle with using it. The... general said she was angry, and that made it harder."

"You... can't be angry to use it?"

"I don't know. It isn't something I ever paid much attention to. It never seemed important. I just remember thinking being angry seemed to make things easier, so it was unusual, but Jedi are different."

Annoying, but still fair. "Yeah. I just need to know how it works." Actually... "Does that mean if I sit over there," I point to the corner, "And try to make everything warm?"

"I don't think it works like that," Echo replies, raising an incredulous eyebrow.

I shrug carelessly, though I care very much. "Thought you said you didn't know?"

"I don't."

"Then it sounds like I should probably try, anyway, right? You told me about the meditating thing ages ago. Something's gotta work eventually."

"Assuming you don't lose motivation first."

I freeze, hands mid-sliding off the table as I prepare to get up. "Is that a dare?"

"I didn't mean it as one, but if you want to take it as one..."

This – this is wrong. Dares were supposed to be my and Crosshair's thing. We always... it was just. Something we did. And I'd do all sorts of nonsense because I thought it was funny. It was. It always was. Until he was gone and nothing in my life matters anymore, except – except that I have to protect them. Somehow.

"Well, spite's a good motivator," I mutter, looking away. I sort of want to cry right now, actually.

"Hey," Echo says, touching my shoulder. I nearly jump at the contact. "You okay?"

The grin I give him is the fakest thing in the galaxy. "Yep."

Hunter said I'll have to face it.

I am not ready to face Crosshair again, and nor will I ever be. That will always be something I try to avoid. I can't – can't see him again. I'm terrified of him, plain and simple. We all are. Wrecker is, and Hunter had – I still remember exactly what Hunter said about him. I'll never be able to stop. I can't say how terrified I am that someday, there will be a time where I have to manage without Hunter, because he – he couldn't do something I needed him to.

I'm afraid someday, I'll need him, and there'll be nothing, because he wasn't strong enough to do this. He would never be gone willingly – I know Hunter would always try to be there, to be what we needed him to be, but he can't do everything.

(He told me he wishes Crosshair killed him. I can't – can't forget that.)

(I'm terrified that someday, somehow, Crosshair will actually – succeed at that. He wanted to destroy us. He did. He wanted us dead. It feels like that could happen any day.)

(Crosshair, who is still out there, lost and alone, when the Empire could kill him any day.)

(If he's not already dead.)

I have no idea how to get my Sight back, though. It's not... something easy. If it were, I would've done it accidentally. I need to figure something out to make this work.

"I just hafta go sit over there," I jab a thumb at the bench on the far wall, "And try to get warm and buzzy, right?"

Hunter chokes on his drink, and I feel bad for laughing at him.

"I do not believe that is how this works," Tech tells me flatly.

"Hmm?" I ask, crossing my arms on the table and dropping my chin on them. "Then what is?" It's genuine, and embarrassingly desperate. I don't have any idea how to do this, and for the first time in my life, I desperately need help.

"I am uncertain," he replies, "Though I do not believe this is something you can force."

Ughhhh. I already figured that out.

I used to be able to use the Force, and I don't believe that just died on me. It's a part of who I am. Wrecker's strength can't just die on him, and Tech can't lose his intelligence or Hunter his tracking abilities. Or – or Crosshair his sight. Mine can't be that different.

"Well, I'm gonna try," I tell them firmly, "Can't promise anything, but this is something we need." I scoot backward off the bench. "Oh, and um, Dad? Try not to die." Hunter looks up and I snippily solute at him before crossing the parlor, hopping onto the bench and crossing my legs. Echo told me how they sit. He never knew more than that. And... I was able to make it work.

I close my eyes, hands on my knees and breathing in and out deeply.

Focus.

Look.

Something's blocking me, just like I told Hunter. He'd been there, even if he couldn't understand. What matters most is how he was there. There's something dark around me, surrounding me and trapping me in. Every time I try to reach out, I bounce back. It's like a boomerang. Goodness.

Echo told me I couldn't be angry, but well, I can't be anything else.

I'm annoyed beyond belief.

I want to get to See, but maybe I'm rushing that too hard. It came first in flickers and colors. Sounds. Mostly just colors. It was Hunter wo helped me control and reign it in. I couldn't have come this far without him.

For a fleeting, flickering moment, I See something tinged gold and orange, bright and vibrant before I slide off, and my Vision grays over again.

I crack an eye open to see Omega poking me.

Huh.

That's what she Looks like now? I thought she was light yellow? She was back before when I could See. Things have changed for all of us, though.

"Viz!" Omega looks cheerful. "You're back at this again?"

"Yeah." I blink, rolling my shoulders and stretching. "'m sorry I never told ya earlier. I wasn't sure if it'd work."

"Is it working?" she asks.

"I dunno. Not really." I wave when I see Wrecker looking my way – they're finally back from the junkyard. "Everything's just – weird. I can't reach it anymore, but..."

"Why are you suddenly talking about it?" she asks, touching my arm, "We haven't talked about your Sight in forever."

"I know. I've just been thinking. I gotta figure something out."

"Why? I mean... what changed?"

I have no idea how to answer that. How to explain it to her when... "I keep messing up, I guess."

"Messing up?" She sounds worried – exactly what I wasn't going for.

"I – maybe we can talk about this later?" I offer with a shrug.

"Sure." I think she's upset, and I try not to think about that right now, but – well, I'm thinking about it, anyway. How couldn't I? This is Omega – I always have to think about it. That's what I'm supposed to do. But still. I'm just tired. Of everything. Everyone. I just want this to work. Don't... want to have to fight so hard for it.

"Thanks, clone," Phee is gripping about something Tech said. I bristle instantly at the sheer rudeness of the statement. "Obvious." She's looking at something from the junk pile, and I don't care what.

"Excuse you," I snap, arms crossed as I glare. He's not a thing! If she has to stick around, the least she can do is stop being annoying. "Stop talking to my brother like that!"

Most people don't know we're clones, but Hunter and all of them have talked about how nat-borns treat them. That's half of why they wanted to train me themselves – because nat-borns were awful, and everybody except a few rare, nice Jedi, looks down on clones. Echo'd said he could count the number of Jedi he classified as especially nice on his fingers, which says something.

"Hello to you, too," Phee snips back, looking up at me. I only glare harder. She's begging to get punched, and I will not feel bad if she gets bruised.

"We're people," I growl lowly, even if I know she won't listen to a word I say, "We're more than just numbers."

"Really? Which number are you?" Phee asks me carelessly.

"Eight," I answer automatically.

Everyone's staring at me.

I also have no idea why I just said that.

"Okay! Technically, I'm six! Or five. But Gonky and Lula count too, so we're eight." I have no idea why I said that. I'm technically the fifth, but that was before Crosshair and Omega knew them far before I was even born. I'm more stuck on at the end, in which case I should be six or seven – okay should have been – but something about the number eight is just automatic. No clue why.

Doesn't really matter, either.

"These look like coordinate markings," Phee remarks, looking back at the strange object she's holding.

"Coordinate markings?" Omega asks with a gasp, like that's somehow important.

"Mel, take a look at this," Phee requests crouching in front of her approaching, multi-colored droid, and holding the object out to it. The droid shines a light onto the thing, and there must be some sort of purple film over it somewhere, because the light that comes through the other end is purple tinged.

Huh.

Well, purple's a nice color, at any rate.

"I was right. This is a compass," Phee continues, and Omega's leaning down beside Mel to stare at this supposedly-compass. "One from long before our time. These coordinates are in the Kaldar Trinary system."

"I have no record of that system," Tech reports, looking up from his datapad.

"Because the best treasures usually aren't found on maps," Phee announces, and Hunter and Echo instantly look up from their drinks at the word 'treasure'.

"There's treasure there?!" Omega whisper exclaims.

"Without a doubt," Phee crows, "This compass is a rare find. You've got a good eye."

Hunter's turned all the way around now, and Echo's back to ignoring the conversation entirely. I have so much respect for his ability to do that. I wish I could ignore her.

"Let's go check it out," Phee says, looking up at Hunter.

"You heard Phee!" Omega insists, bouncing.

"She says a lot of things," Hunter replies flatly, crossing his arms, which – yes, thanks, Dad. I wouldn't trust her with Sophie; forget about my siblings.

"I can go alone and take the spoils for myself," Phee supplies, as if we should actually care about that. Tech is staring at us in silence, obsessively adjusting his goggles again. I wish he'd just – say something. Anything. I want to know what he thinks, too. "Or we go together," she continues, putting an arm around Omega, and I swallow back the sharp stabbing jealousy, but I suddenly just want to cry. "And split it 50-50."

"Please, Hunter," Omega begs with a way-too-huge grin. "What if there really is treasure there?"

Yep.

Like it wasn't treasure hunting that got all of us nearly killed? My arm still throbs at the memory. Tech had to patch my sleeve over, and that – it had hurt. I did it for them, and I chose it for them, but it still hurt, and Tech could have died there. I don't want to try again.

Hunter looks to Wrecker. "Yeah," he says, "We're not on a mission."

"It could be fuuuun!" Omega chirps, like that's more important than staying alive? Not like we know there's dangers here, but after Serenno, I have no desire to go anywhere with Phee's words, or for treasure hunting. We need the credits – Cid had sold off the few handfuls of jewels in my backpack, but it didn't add up to a lot. At least not after everything she took out.

Guess we don't know if this'll go bad, but that's exactly what I need my Sight for.

I want to get to be with my family right now and figure out how to make this work. How to fix me.

And yeah, treasure hunting could be fun, but – but –

"The last time we went after treasure, it didn't go as planned," Echo points out bluntly.

"You weren't working with a professional then," Phee insists.

Hunter's gaze turns to me. I want to put my foot down and say no, but Omega wants to, and I don't know how to tell her no, or if I even should, so all I do is shrug.

Hunter looks from me to Echo, and he genuinely looks on the verge of tears. I'm on the verge of tears, and I hardly even know why. I just feel – empty. Angry. I used to be the center of Omega's everything, but then we got our brothers back and I tried to kill her and she's forgotten all about me.

I want to be the first one she thinks about. Not the last. I'm so selfish. She should get to have fun.

"What do you say?" Phee asks again.

Echo drains the rest of his cup, thumping it down on the table.

Hunter looks back to her, arms still crossed and wrapped around himself in what is definitely not meant to be just a habit. He's scared. I've seen that look on him. I know it. Felt it. He feels like nothing because he is nothing and he never will be. Those things never change. They always stay the same. The emptiness. The nothing.

The raw, never-ending terror of being left if he says no, the inability to turn anyone down for anything because we – we did that before. Once.

Didn't go well.

Hunter nods, and Omega half-squeals, looking up at Phee again. I press my hand against Hunter's vambrace. I don't say anything, and neither does he.

He never asked my opinion, either.

He already knows.

**w**

The trip to the Kaldar Trinary system is, quite genuinely, one of the most irritating trips we've ever had.

Says something, since I sat out all the way to Kamino after what happened on Daro. That was a nightmare. But here we are.

I could have tried meditating or whatever it's called, but I – I can't. Hunter had told me how to try keeping my emotions in and just feel. That's how I got to control my Force-abilities in the first place, but now, we're a mess.

Omega is talking to Phee nonstop in the back. I can hear the distant blabbering, and between the distractive-ness and hurt, I just –

Omega doesn't want me.

She doesn't want me, and she's all I've ever had, because her friends are more important and she has other things and people to worry about. I don't get to be one of them. I was meant to get her off Kamino, and then I tired to kill her and screwed up Crosshair and she forgot about me entirely. Not that I even blame her.

Hunter is trying. He's beside them, twirling his knife in a failed attempt at distract himself as they talk, their backs facing him and hardly even looking away from each other. Omega's even copying her now. Like she's not picking us apart and turning us on each other to force Hunter into something he can't do.

"Don't watch," I say finally, once I've hit the rock-bottom point if I can't do this anymore, grabbing his hand and pulling him away. There's no use standing here, anyway. Nothing to see here, nothing to feel except getting our hearts ripped out even more. I bite my lip, trying to keep from crying. It's stupid how badly this hurts. I already know Omega has a right to be angry at me, and I should get over myself and try to make up for it, but it's like. Nothing I do is gonna make it right. I was supposed to bring our family together, and I failed at that – at the only purpose we've ever had.

I'm a failure. I'm defective, and I used to be proud of that, but now, I hate every piece of me.

"Are you okay?" Hunter asks when we reach the cockpit. He moves to the seat behind Echo's, where he usually sits – Crosshair used to take the one behind Tech, and I – I don't know how to deal with this. It's been months, and it never hurts any less. They told me it should. It doesn't.

I'm constantly alternating between wanting to smack him in the face and wishing I could see him again.

I shake my head mutely, not trusting myself to talk.

I throw a glance back towards where Omega's listening to Phee going on about something, and I want to hit something. Just. To make something hurt. Or maybe to hurt.

"Vision," Hunter says, voice gentle, and I just jump at him, the same way I did so long ago on Bracca. I'm bigger now, and my weight throws him off now, but I must've angled it just right, because we and up in his seat, anyway. I bury my face against his shoulder, settling in his lap and winding my arms around his waist. Hunter's used to my chaos enough by now to not even object to it – I'm ignoring the part of my mind whispering that it might've reminded him of Crosshair again – and I curl tighter against him when I feel his arms wrap around me.

I don't want to have to feel everything else. I wish Hunter could still fix everything the way he always used to, that I didn't have to worry about all this stupid drama and Omega walking away without ever looking back at me.

I don't want to think about her the same way I do about him and I don't, but I loved him with every piece of me, too, and he didn't care. But Omega's not anything like Crosshair, because she can't be and I won't have anything worth living if she is.

"Kid?" Wrecker asks, and I twitch, burying my face farther against Hunter's scarf. I don't want to talk to anyone. Not even him.

He's probably drowning in the same fear I know Hunter and I are. I'm being really, really stupid.

"I don't wanna talk right now."

Hunter's arms tighten around me, and I squeeze him back. Not thinking. Not moving.

Just being, for once in my life.

And when I won't be, he just might be the only one who would even miss me.

I need a way to make this right.

I need – I need Omega to look at me without distant hostility. Without disappointment. I want her to look at me at all. I'd rather she hates me than cold indifference. Crosshair – Crosshair was like that, too, and by the stars I cannot deal with this again.

"You sure?" Wrecker's worried. He's fussing. I lean away, clinging tighter. My arms are digging into Hunter's armor so tightly they hurt.

"Wrecker," Tech speaks up, voice quiet but firm, "Let it go."

Wow.

I kinda think the galaxy just ended.

Tech just stood up for me.

He did the same for Crosshair, too.

My body jolts as the tears start coming. Hunter's hand lifts to my hair. I know he can feel it, some way or other. He always does.

"I'm sorry," I say, voice breaking. Don't know what I'm apologizing for. Not being better, definitely. Not being able to protect him. Ruining everything with Crosshair. For how either of us are enough for Omega, little enough that she won't even – pay attention to us, because her friends are more important.

"Don't be."

"I – I hafta be. That's what I am."

"None of this was your fault," Hunter promises firmly. I want to believe him, but I can't. I'm the one who hurt Omega. Crosshair. All of this is because of me, and I have to make it right. I'm the one who broke my family, and I have to be the one to piece it back together.

It hurts, I want to say. It never stops hurting. But my brothers will think it's literal, and I don't want them to worry.

No one saw what happened on Bracca, and I can't say how I messed up with Crosshair. We don't talk about him. That's not something that ever... will get any better.

**w**

The planet's surface is gray, completely empty and bare. It looks like something sucked out all its life and color at once. I trot down the ramp in the back, after Wrecker, bringing up the rear, then circle over to Hunter and Tech when we start spreading out.

I don't hear anything. There are no animals here. I don't even see birds. Or bugs.

I wonder if it would Look as gray as I think it would.

Omega's looking around with wide eyes, and Tech's datapad beeps as he scans everything there is and isn't to scan.

Phee crouches by one of the long-dead plants, setting her lantern down and snapping a twig off the tree to smell it. Species determination, probably. I don't think there's a lot to see. The air's cold. Omega's standing beside her, watching her like she used to watch Hunter, and I try really hard not to stare at that too hard.

"I'm not picking up any signs of civilization whatsoever," Tech announces, "Which makes sense, considering this land appears to have been razed and left uninhabitable."

Hunter glances back at him with a worried frown.

"Who'd wanna hide treasure here?" Echo demands.

"That's probably why it's here, if anything's here," I point out, crossing my arms. My sleeves are a little longer than Omega's, but the air is still nipping at my skin. I think something's wrong with this place. Maybe it's just that I'm trying to reach it again.

A loud, shrill beeping has everyone jumping and looking in Echo's direction.

"What was that?" Wrecker queries.

Echo's scowling as he lifts the compass he took down with us. "The compass just activated." Phee and Omega stand from where they were by the tree, and Hunter and Tech exchange a glance. No one's talking, but I know well enough none of us are overly happy to be here. Wrecker's on board cuz he's bored. Echo, because he's used to risks. Tech, because there's nothing else to do, and there's a chance of success. Hunter, because Omega insisted.

Something's wrong with this place.

"It's telling us to go south," Echo says, pointing it the direction the beeping is fastest in.

"Let's go!" Omega cheers, snatching the compass and running off.

Hunter and Echo cast glances at each other.

"Now she's got the right attitude," Phee snips, taking off after my sister with a "wait up, kid!"

Hunter throws a glance at Tech, then turns to me. "Vision, try to stay close," he requests.

This is about Serenno, isn't it? "I'll be fine!" I whine, waving my hands, though after earlier, I don't even blame them. I did get shot. No blaster scarring looks happy. At least it's not as bad as the one on Hunter's chest. Or Wrecker's shoulder. He got shot, like three times in the same place.

Hunter looks epically unconvinced, but turns on to follow Phee and Omega.

"He means it," Echo tells me firmly, "You're staying with us. No more covering, and definitely no more speeders."

"Hey, you were the one who took me flying!"

"Yeah, I took you flying. Not sky surfing."

"Wait, sky-surfing? That's a thing? Hunterrrr? Is that somethin' you can teach me?"

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