Chapter 31 - I've Been Tryna Find a Meaning (2:5-6)
Author's Note: I'm still struggling with this a bit, but I do have enough done that I can safely post a few more chapters. :)
~ Rivana Rita
I'm scrubbing my knife and sheath clean in the 'fresher when Hunter comes in to check me over. I'm fine with just bruises, as all of us are, but we came so close again.
I saw him fall. I can't stop remembering the sound of cracking ground.
He gives me a bit of bacta, and hugs me tightly. I hug him back, head resting on his chest, arms around his back. "All set," he tells me, brushing a few strands of hair behind my ear.
I smile, though it's exhausted. "Thanks." We took cat naps before tripping through the lava flows, though it was beautiful. The air is still uncomfortably warm, and we had to piece together Mel again. She was melted. I'm so glad Gonky is ours. I've seen too much droid insides to sleep again.
"Do you want to get some rest?" Hunter asks me.
"Sure. Unless there's something else to do." I have studies, Tech-assigned, of course, and there's always things to do, but I'm so exhausted. I never stop being tired, and I need to – to – deal with my Sight.
"It's okay," he promises, "Go on. Get some rest."
I nod to him, climbing into the gunner's mount.
Omega must've caught sight of me, because I hear her pattering up the ladder. She lowers herself onto the floor beside me, watching me. I'm half of the mind to just lie down and avoid, but she starts talking first. "I – I'm sorry I made you come," she blurts out, rubbing a hand on her arm. "I – I thought it'd be fun, that we might get something this time."
"Like we did last time?"
She winces. "Yeah. I – I know you got hurt again because of me."
I blink at her, lips parting in genuine confusion. That's not untrue, but I wouldn't really say it's her fault, either. She's just being... herself? "Hunter's the one you got hurt," I reply, stretching out on my side and propping myself up on one arm a bit.
She's quiet, biting her lip and looking decidedly miserable. "I was just trying to help."
Help? How? Hunter was genuinely on the verge of tears, and she says...
I'm not being fair. I'm just tired. Just – angry. I want to sleep.
I don't know what to say. I'm the one who made the mistakes with us. I don't know how to tell her everything's fine when it's not or when...
"I know." I don't, though. I don't understand why she wanted to go. "But Hunter warned us it'd be dangerous."
"It's always dangerous," Omega protests, "But that's never stopped us. We never really know what we're up against."
I'm so tired. Finally, I understand why Hunter wants us to settle down. Why he wants to stop fighting. I can't imagine a life without war ahead of me. That's what I was made for, no matter what Echo and Hunter say about it. I don't know. I'm just – tired. And I can't believe Omega's apologizing. "Until Tech nearly broke his leg off," I supply, eyes closed.
"It was still there. It's just broken. And, he healed. We always do." What about when we don't? "But still," she says. "No more treasure hunting, okay?"
"Please," I request, shifting and lying down. Omega pulls our blanket over me. There's a beat as she collects Lula and Sophie, shoving them under the edge of the blanket so I can hug them both to my chest. "Are you staying?"
"For a little bit," she agrees, scooting back against the wall and picking up the datapad Tech had set down for her. We're still with Phee, on our way to some other planet, but I'm a little too tired to be annoyed, so here we are. Not like Cid has another mission yet.
Omega sits there for a little while, until Echo calls her off quietly saying something – I wake briefly to hear her quietly pattering down the ladder again, and the shuffling of Wrecker settling onto his rack next to me.
His presence is silent, but ever-present, and sometimes, I guess, that's more important than words. It's... always nice to know he's there.
**w**
We end up dropping off Phee on Vadnay as she searches for another treasure or lead or something, when Cid calls us off for another mission. Some kind of delivery to the Vanguard Axis. Hunter leaves Echo, Omega, and I with the ship and goes off with Wrecker and Tech.
Echo stands beside us, and Omega and I sit on the ramp to wait.
I draw my knife out of sheer boredom, spinning it between my fingers and watching the doorway impatiently. The weight is nice between my fingers – Hunter got me a glove to keep me from accidently stabbing myself with how much spinning I do.
The room is dark, and there's something heavy in the air. It's freaking me out. I want to move. It feels like there's a million eyes staring at us, but none at all.
I flick the blade over again, remembering the million lessons Hunter taught me with it. Remembering the days in their barracks, when he showed me how to hold it, how to balance it, and how to "no don't do that you'll cut off your own hand" in Hunter's words. He should've seen his face. I nearly dropped it blade-down through my arm and Hunter'd been so freaked out.
It's still funny, but my heart aches, and I sigh, turning it over again.
"There's something off about this place," Omega grumbles, "I don't like it."
"Yeah. Me neither," Echo agrees, "But we're not staying for long. I'll prep the ship." He turns past us, walking up the ramp.
"Viz, do you See anything?" Omega asks me, touching my knee.
I've been trying. I think I keep getting flickers, but the walls keep snapping back over like a rubber band. I shake my head mutely, though close my eyes and try, anyway. I expect to see something, maybe, after a lifetime of being able to even if it's been a long time, but something catches my ears instead.
"What's that?" I hiss, jolting straight.
"I don't know," Omega answers, "But it sounded hurt."
It did. It sounded like something... crying. It's right nearby, and Echo's still aboard. The ship is safe. "Come on. Let's go check it out, and be right back."
I stand, jumping off the ramp and looking around. Omega climbs off after. We're clear, so we move into one of the open doorways in the room. I have my blaster out, just in case, but I don't see anything right away. Not until we hear a shuffling and crackling electricity followed by a cry of pain.
It's a Wookie, about my height, one of the droids shoving an electrostaff onto his shoulder. He stumbles, falling, and the other droid just comes at him.
I have never felt so sick in my life.
"Stop!" Omega cries, jolting forwards, "You're hurting him!"
"Halt, humanoids," the droid orders in a monotone, turning to us like it wasn't just hurting this poor little Wookie cub. "Do not interfere with Vanguard Axis business."
The Wookie moves first, snatching one of the electrostaffs and kicking the droid wielding it to the ground. He stabs the electrified side of the staff onto the other droid, short-circuiting it.
Another droid moves in, and Omega gasps, firing at it with her bow at it. She hits it in the chest, and I drop it with a headshot.
The Wookie leans against the staff, panting. He looks exhausted. I don't know how he's even moving right now.
"Hey, kid," I try gently, moving towards him, "Our ship's nearby. Let's get outta here before they find us."
"More are coming," Omega agrees, "Hurry!"
I pull the Wookie cub along behind as we scramble for cover.
Omega goes in front, leading us through a maze of crates and peaking around the edge of a stack as the door opens. My hand slips free of the Wookie's on the way, and I peak around the corner to see the droids spreading out, I duck back against the crates, but the Wookie's... gone? He was just here.
We round another crate pile and press back against it as the droids start moving around. They're either patrolling, searching for him, or for us. I don't know which. I keep a hand on my knife, ready to yank and throw if the thing comes any closer.
It doesn't. I hear it clanking safely away. Omega rounds the corner in search of the kid again when a droid steps out in front of her. "Halt!" it barks. She reaches for her bow, and I throw my knife over her head into the thing's neck.
The Wookie jumps down on it with an electrostaff, stabbing the droid and electrocuting it.
"Thanks," my sister tells us both, "We gotta – no, not that way!"
He's taken off to some chest on the floor, pushing it open and rummaging inside. I don't know what's in there, but he must've lost something of his. I know what it's like to lose important things, and I hate it. I don't speak Shyriiwook, though, so I have no idea what he's saying.
Of course, the one time I need Tech, he's not here.
"What are you doing?" Omega asks, "You need to go before they find you."
"He's trynna find something," I tell her, "Though there's not time right now."
"Vision, Omega," Echo appears in the doorway, his shadow falling over us. "Let's get back to the ship." He sounds annoyed, though that's his general state of being.
The Wookie jolts to his feet, growling fiercely at Echo.
"It's okay," Omega protests, "He's a friend."
Doesn't stop him from taking off. Ugh. "Now this is getting annoying," I grumble, "The droids are hurting him, but he's not bein' very cooperative."
"We have to help him," 'mega urges, waving to us. "Come on!"
Echo sighs with genuine annoyance, but follows anyway.
We don't get it much farther before half a dozen droids spill into the room, and Echo comms Hunter for help. "What sort of treachery is this?" the head droid demands.
Omega yanks her bow out, pulling back the string. "Stay back!"
I have my blaster aimed and raised, balancing my left wrist against my right hand, which is holding my blaster. Echo has his own raised behind Omega.
The lead droid motions to the others, and their raise their blasters, though Hunter cuts them off by shooting the weapon from its hands. "They're with us," he calls warningly.
The Wookie cub growls.
"I would advise you to take your soldiers and extricate yourselves from the situation," the droid scolds, pointing dramatically.
"No! They're going to hurt him," Omega snaps.
"Oh, on the contrary. The Wookiee is worth a great deal to our buyer," the droid replies, swiveling its head back to Hunter. "Alive."
"You can't smuggle living beings," Hunter argues.
"For the right price, I can do whatever I want," the leader continues.
"Then the price will be your life!" I snarl, positioned behind the Wookie. He sets his blaster down and raises his hands in a very, very familiar gesture. Omega's bow lowers, and her eyes widen. My own hands lower a bit – he's using the Force.
A lightsaber flies across the room, landing in his paws, and he straightens, igniting the green blade with a roar.
I jerk my arms back up, firing at the lead droid as it simultaneously spins around to shoot at us. Everything explodes into chaos after that. The Wookie moves in front of Omega and I, somewhat covering us both as we shoot the droids.
Hunter, Tech, and Wrecker shove one of the carts with crates on it aside, and Hunter jumps a droid with a knife.
I flip mine around and throw it at another droid, dodging another shot and running to retrieve my knife. I jump another to stab it, just for the fun of it, and flip off. Wrecker catches me, yanking me upright between the chaos and Hunter calling to us to get to the ship.
"Come on!" Omega calls to the Wookie and we break for the door. I sheath my knife, grabbing his paw and pulling him for the door.
There are a few more droids on the way out that we shoot past. We don't pause again until reaching the base of the ramp.
The Wookie freezes up as Hunter covers for us both.
"We gotta go," I tell him, pausing on the ramp. More droids come in, and he finally moves. We sprint up the ramp, and Hunter comes in behind, covering for us until the ramp is shut.
Tech takes us off, spinning us safely out of the hangar.
My heart's still pounding a bit, but we're safe, as always.
Wrecker kneels, rummaging to find our food trays. We've shifted to those from Mantell Mix when we don't have it, but we haven't broken our post-mission tradition since Kamino. I pull my helmet off, leaving it on one of the chairs, as does Omega.
"Why is he sitting back there alone?" Omega asks, looking to the back where the Wookie went, curled up in a miserable fur ball in the far corner.
"Because he's scared," Hunter answers, turning his chair around and pulling his helmet off. "He's been through a lot."
Wrecker stands, handing Omega and me our trays.
"Well, he still needs to eat," she replies, turning to the back to approach the Wookie.
I have no idea if he looks healthy or not. All I know is that he's fury, and he's cute. Like, really snuggly cute. Like, furball begging to be cuddled cute.
I glance at Hunter and Wrecker and follow my sister to the back. He was basically enslaved there, just like that kid back on Ord Mantell so long ago by those Zygerrians. I have no idea how long it's been since he ate. She and I can share. We don't eat a lot.
The Wookie roars when Hunter and Wrecker get too close. They jerk back, and I freeze.
"What's wrong?" Omega asks, confused and worried.
"He doesn't trust us," Hunter answers. I can't tell if he recognizes the language, or is just that good at reading people. He is good.
Wrecker looks at Tech. "Well, seeing how all clones were given an order to execute the Jedi, he has good reason to be cautious," he replies.
Ow. Yeah.
"It's okay, kid," I try, sifting forwards and crouching nearby him. "We're not like the regs."
"I'm sorry about what happened," Hunter tells him gently, "But we are not like the other clones. We did not follow that order." He spins his usual chair around and sits down. Wrecker sits opposite him, still holding his tray. I keep my own tucked under my arm. "And we don't work for the Empire either," Hunter adds.
The cub looks at Omega and I. "Hunter's telling the truth. You don't have to be afraid of us," Omega tells him soothingly.
"It's okay," I assure. I'm not going to get in explaining about the chips right now. It's too messy, and that's not an excuse for what we did, anyway. "You can eat."
Omega pushes the tray towards him for emphasis, and the Wookie slowly unfolds, picking up the tray and sniffing it. He eats just like Wrecker. It's adorable.
He's a Jedi. I finally found one. Stars, I've got so many questions.
Omega climbs into the rack, and I climb up beside her, flipping my tray open. "I'm Omega," my sister tells him, "What's your name?"
He growls, eating straight out of the tray now.
"My Wookiee is a little rusty, but I think he says his name is Gungi," Hunter translates, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed. Wrecker's sprawled backwards in his seat, waiting for 'mega and I to start eating to start himself.
Echo finally rejoins us from the front.
Gungi tells us a bit more about himself, that he survived Order 66 – somehow – and he's been on the run, trying to find his way to Kashyyyk.
"If he's trying to get to his homeworld, we can take him," Omega offers.
"Been a while since we've been to Kashyyyk," Wrecker remarks.
I perk up. I've heard about Kashyyyk. A little. "Sure. It's safe there, right?"
"They could have Imperial outposts there by now," Echo objects. "We don't know if it's safe for him there."
Hunter sighs. "He's a Jedi. He's not safe anywhere."
I climb off the rack when Gungi finishes eating, leaving the rest for 'mega. "This is – uh – gonna sound crazy, but I – I can use the Force, too. I haven't been able to touch it in a while. I don't know what's wrong."
He pauses, growling. He's confused, I think. Wary. I can't understand exactly what he's saying. Wish I could.
"I – something happened, and I couldn't... I have visions. Usually. Then when the Empire happened, I started having nightmares all the time, until I didn't want to See anymore. But I – it helps me, and I want it back, but I don't know what to do."
He tilts his head, studying me and growling. I feel something in my head, inside my mind, wrapping around me, soft and gentle. It's a little wild, hurt and lashing out, but so soft.
I remember a fire. A heavy mechanical hand on my shoulder.
"You'll never be alone. Don't take that for granted."
"Gungi?" I whisper. "Is that you?"
He growls again, nodding. I haven't felt a Jedi since Anakin. Tears prick my eyes, and when his paw raises to my shoulder, I grip his arm tightly. He feels so soft.
"How do you touch the Force?"
"He's asking if you know how to meditate," Hunter translates, approaching us from the side. Echo and Tech went up front to take us to Kashyyyk.
I shrug a little, shaking my head. "I don't know. I try. I used to, but I don't really do the... I'm alone with my mind all the time. I don't like it there."
Gungi growls.
Hunter glances between us. "He tells you that is how to connect with the Force. If you have cut yourself off, you will have to break down the barrier. You created it, so you can break it down. You will have to face the source of the blockage."
I look away, biting my lip.
Crosshair.
"I don't know if I can do that."
"You have to if you're going to touch the Force again."
"That's what makes me special."
"Vision," Hunter interrupts, shifting forwards, "It doesn't matter if you can do it or not. You can be a normal kid for a while."
"I don't want to be normal. That's not what I was made for."
"That's what you are to us," Omega interjects, climbing down from the rack and laying a small hand on my back. "You don't have to be anything."
I rub awkwardly at my left arm. "Maybe it's what I want to be."
Gungi growls again, softly.
"He's asking why you closed yourself off from the Force," Hunter translates.
I exhale, gloved fingers tightening over my arm. "It... started with Order 66." I've never told anyone this before. I wanted to, but there was never anyone and Crosshair is something we never talk about. "I – guess it's not true. One of us did carry out the order. Or, he tried to. He was our brother. He was my best friend. But – but he made his choice, and he didn't choose us." I don't know who moves first, but somehow, I end up wrapped in Gungi's furry arms. We're the same height, but he's bigger and much, much stronger.
"I – I tried to tell myself he'd come back. I kept dreaming about him. I ignored them. Until I made it stop. I don't know if he's still alive. If something happened to him, it's because of me. I hate him. I – I want to see him again, but if I do, he'll kill us. I know what it's like to be alone. I went a bit – feral too. With the order."
Gungi growls beside me. I bury myself in his fur. He's so soft. It feels so nice.
"Everything the Force does is for a reason," Hunter says, very, very quietly. His hand weighs on my shoulder. "He – he says our brother is where he needs to be. And so are you."
"How am I supposed to let that go?"
Gungi growls again.
"He says he doesn't know," Hunter says, "But I – can tell you that we've all made mistakes, and... all we can do is not repeat them." He squeezes my shoulder tightly.
"I want to use the Force again. Whatever I have to do."
I don't want to be a coward. I want to keep an eye out for Crosshair, even if I can only do it when we're far away. I'll never get to see him again.
"Do you trust your visions?" The translation thing is old. I need to learn growl-speak.
"I don't know. I used to. But I had this one that I – I thought it would happen, but it never did."
"He says he doesn't know much about visions. They're uncommon for Jedi, but the future is always in motion."
"Are you sure it won't happen?" Omega asks quietly.
"Crosshair's not coming back," I snap with gritted teeth. "I'm not going to hope. Not again."
"Life is built on hope" Hunter repeats, "He wants to show you how to meditate."
I snuffle, shifting back. I stopped lying to myself after what Hunter told me, because he couldn't lie to himself, either. What I saw was... different. It was far away, but – no. No, I'm not going to hope. Maybe it was a possible future, but it's not our future.
We're never gonna be complete.
Gungi has us sit beside each other, and Omega sits on his other side to copy him. He sits cross-legged, paws on his knees. I copy him, closing my eyes and trying to breathe. Somehow, when I See another gentle light beside me, it helps.
"Gungi says you need to accept what you are," Hunter adds, "And what you've done. Death is part of life."
I sigh. "And so is loss."
But how am I supposed to accept that my brother doesn't care?
**w**
Why would there be heavy smoke and deforestation on a forest planet? What is the Empire doing? My questions are answered way too fast when we track down to the village my brothers new from their last trip here, except the entire thing is gone. It's been burned to the ground.
"Tanks came through here," Hunter relates with a sigh, "The Empire incinerated the entire village."
Gungi falls to his knees amidst the ash, whimpering.
For a moment, all I can remember is the rain soaking me through and through, the explosions and fire and smoke as Kamino burned to nothing. We've all been there. "They burned our home, too," I tell him, touching his shoulder.
"Don't worry. We'll find your people," Omega promises, touching his back. We hoist him to his feet, and I take his hand. Omega's eyeing me with something unreadable, but a sudden rumbling breaks up the moment.
Something's coming.
Are the tanks back?
We bolt for the tree line, and Tech scans the horizon with macrobinoculars. "What do you see?" Hunter queries.
"Trandoshans. And they have a Wookiee hostage," Tech reports.
"How did they get their hands on Imperial tanks?" Hunter asks rhetorically.
"I think there's something else going on here," I mutter, "Are we sure they're not allied?"
"It's possible," Hunter agrees, "But what would the Empire gain from harming the Wookiees?"
"They don't like anything nice. Or fluffy. Or cuddly. Or somebody badly wanted to commit arson and wasn't brave enough o practice on the Imperial Palace."
My not-funny jokes are cut off when the tank ignites again.
The Wookie prisoner howls and elbows the trandoshan guarding him. It's dim, but I can see he hits him with something thin and long. Is that a whip?
Omega gasps, pressing a hand to her mouth.
Gungi snarls, shoving his way through the brush and lunging.
"So much for not drawing lightsaber attention," I grunt, standing. "Let's go."
Gungi ignites his lightsaber, rapidly ending the trandoshan's snide remarks about him. I skid out over the brush, Hunter right behind me, firing at all the lizards I see.
Gungo goes for the Wookie prisoner, who's all too happy to help us squash the trandoshans.
Wrecker goes for one of the tanks, and I jump the other, dodging another blaster shot. I turn back, firing over my shoulder towards the source of the shot. Echo takes out one of them, and they turn back to him, so I swing the rest of the way up for when the hatch opens.
A trandoshan pops its head out, and I fire at it, turning back to the last few. Hutner climbs up beside me, yanking the lizard out and throwing it on the ground.
Echo and Tech finally come into the clearing, and I wave. "Hi! Nice of you to show up."
"We've always been right here, kid," Echo tells me dryly.
Gungi jumps off the tank where he stabbed it, looking around. The trandoshans are all down, and I flip off the tank, jumping to the ground. I used to feel something after killing things. I don't anymore. But these creatures – for what they did, they deserved it. The air feels of death, but it'll flow away and feel better. I've seen that.
Hunter holsters his blaster. "We need to stop the flames from spreading," he announces, pulling a shovel from stars-know-where and thrusting it at Wrecker. "Start digging."
Yes, I decided to make Vision just kill that lizard because I REALLY didn't think Hunter deserved to break his knuckles on the thing's scales ;-; xD
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