Chapter 32 - For The Things That I Believed In (2:6)
We dig up the area around the fire, and it slowly dies out. Our break time is interrupted when a group of Wookies drops in and takes us to their main village. Gungi lights like flicking a switch. Hunter explains the situation, and the Wookie's invite us in for a meal. The situation's a bit worse than we thought. They're stripping Kashyyyk of its resources, in true, typical Empire style.
It almost makes me feel bad for taking their food, but Echo and Wrecker are already eating.
"Yanna's scouts are reporting a large convoy headed in this direction," Tech reports, "She says to leave."
"And here I thought this couldn't get more creative," I grumble.
"Hunter, the Wookiees were our allies for years," Echo interjects. "We have to do something."
Gungi growls a loud agreement.
"We'll stay and help you fight them," Hunter offers firmly. "You don't have to do this alone."
Gungi growls again. Yanna heads outside with the other Wookies, and the cub scampers after. He's natural here, but he's been away so long he's forgotten everything about them. He hardly remembers his own planet or way of life. (Is that what happened to Crosshair? When we left him?) I can't imagine that.
If I ever had cubs, or kids, or whatever, they'd never know where I was from, either. The Empire made sure of that. Our home is gone. The clones will never be remembered. I want to make sure that won't happen to them.
"What are they doing?" Omega asks in a loud whisper.
"They are asking the trees for help," Hunter answers. Echo and Wrecker glance at each other in the background. I have no idea what's up with them.
"They're talking to the trees?"
"They believe this planet belongs to the trees. And they are allies in this fight," Tech answers.
"We'll take all the allies we can get," Hunter adds.
"Do you think that would actually work?" I ask, shifting closer to him.
"They think it does. I guess that's what counts. Meanwhile, let's keep watch and get some rest."
**w**
Omega and I are leaning on each other, dozing when Echo and Wrecker run up, reporting they've spotted the trandoshans. Gungi runs back to us to report the trees have a plan, which sounds crazy, but hey, crazy things happen with the Force, too, sometimes.
I've done crazier things.
And so, we drag them off into an ambush.
We throw a few well-placed explosives, and then the firing begins. Wrecker and the Wookies jump down with those giant creatures while the rest of our squad, Gungi, and a few others move to draw the main part of the fire away.
One of the Wookie's falls, and Gungi roars in fury, charging with his lightsaber again.
Well, here we go.
On the bright side, one of the tanks is down.
One of the trandoshans goes at him with a flamethrower, and Gungi takes off into the treats.
I'm not letting him off alone, and with that in mind, I hiss a "I'm going after Gungi" over comms and take off. Through the trees, I see the trandoshan still pursuing. Gungi's a Jedi, but he's a kid and he's been through so much already.
I duck out of the treeline, raising my blaster and firing.
I'm just an inch off, barely missing the lizard's head. He hisses, whirling towards me.
Uh oh.
I duck back into the trees, but not before he ignites the weapon.
I roll away as something sparks, ducking behind another tree, though I can already smell the smoke and feel the heat. Another fire it is, then.
Gungi snarls, jumping at him.
The trandoshan whirls around, flamethrower ignited. Gungi jumps away, running up the side of a tree trunk and jumping down on him, cutting the weapon in half. He flips back as the same spider creatures from earlier slowly descend, circling in on the trandoshan.
They won't attack unless we pose a threat, according to Gungi.
But for now, the fire is spreading. The smell of smoke is getting stronger, and the flames are slowly licking, happily gobbling grass and branches. Everything on Kashyyyk is flammable.
"Gungi, the fire," I call to him, "We gotta go."
He jumps down next to me, flipping over and landing on his feet. It's so cool he can do that – maybe that's why I feel so able to jump off crazy things that make everyone panic. Drove Hunter crazy. Crosshair always told me I was an idiot, and I'd stick my tongue out at him. Almost surprised he never did it back.
The fire.
Everything's burning.
"You can't stop this with the Force, can you?" I ask.
He growls, shaking his head.
Uh oh.
Gungi and I throw each other a wide-eyed, panicked look, and we turn back into the forest, breaking into a run, dodging brush and jumping over logs.
"I swear I don't mean to start everything on fire," I gasp, panting as we stumble through the trees, and I see the rest of our squad. "I mean, I like arson, sometimes, most of the time, but we could use some help. I don't wanna burn my besties home."
Hunter sighs. "Tech, gather all the Wookiees."
**w**
The chaos is finally over, and the fire put out. Again. Though, no doubt the Empire is still going to be back, and we can't stay here forever. Even if we could, this is no way to live.
For the first time in my life, I understand why Echo wants to fight. There are people who need help, who deserve it, but we can't exactly stick our necks out for everybody, either. But these people, I want to help.
"I wish we could talk without being tagged with a translator," I say, nudging my elbow into Gungi's as we eat together, now that the chaos is over.
He growls back.
"The Jedi have a way of speaking in one another's minds," Tech translates for me, "It is possible you can do the same with him."
"Telepathy? Wow."
Gungi gulps down the rest of his bowl, jumping up and motioning me for the door with a growl. He wants me to come.
I finish mine and run after, following him to the trees they spent the night by.
Gungi sits, looking up at me with wide eyes. I sit opposite him, cross-legged, hands on knees the same way he showed me. I've felt things in my head before, and sometimes heard thoughts – mostly 'mega's – but never like this. I don't know what
"So, are you gonna tame me the same way you did those spiders?"
Gungi's smile is adorable. I think he's amused.
Behind us, Tech and Hunter are lingering in the doorway, but keeping their distance. Omega's watching us, too, but this is between just Gungi and I.
It's... nice.
He growls, and I feel the same gentle, soft flicker in my head. I close my eyes, trying to feel. It's – instinctive, I think. Somewhat. I force myself to breathe, doing my best to let it in and out. Just to feel him. to feel everything. His touch is in my head, and it's strange and intimate and right and I – I trust him.
For the first time, I trust some random nat-born, because he trusts us, and he cares about us. He's tried to help me when he's the one who's been hurt so much, and he'd have every right to hate me.
"I See you," I whisper. "Hear you, too. In my head. It's weird."
He's gentle. Soothing. A lighted calm not shared by me.
He growls again. "There is no emotion, there is peace."
What's that?" I ask, then push the thought at him in my head, like he's a little bright light.
"It's the Jedi Code," he answers, "It was our way of life."
Was. Not is.
I reach out, taking his paws in my hands. "I'm sorry."
"There is no death; there is the Force."
There's a weight in my chest, heavy, but a lightness I can't ever remember. Not mine. It can't be mine. "I want to know how to use it. It's what I need to protect my family. I don't know how to find answers."
"There is no ignorance; there is knowledge."
I sigh. I've got what I need. I just need to know how to use it. I think that's something I have to figure out on my own. It's just – so hard.
His gratitude swirls in my head, soft and warm. I don't want to let it go. He's been lost and alone for so long until we finally found him.
"Thank you for bringing me home."
"Thank you, for trynna help."
We settle over, a comfortable silence looping between us, the shared crushing depression we both share over so much of our entire lives, over losing the only people we cared about. We've both lost everything, and still found our way home. I have my brothers and sister. He has his people.
But there are so many more of our people out there, of the clones, who need help, who are being hurt.
There's still Crosshair.
"I don't know how to See again. I just wanna keep my family safe." We've been through so much. I want to fight. I need the thrill of constant chaos, but I need my family safe and I've done so much to all of them. I might not've been the one who made Crosshair leave, but everything was fine with them and then I showed up and everything just fell. I was so awful to him on Kamino. I – maybe he wouldn't've left if...
"You're not really part of it, anyway. Maybe you never have been."
I bite my lip. Sighing, I try to chase the memories away. But I have to confront Crosshair somehow, don't I?
To stop being afraid.
"There is no passion; there is serenity. The Force isn't a weapon. Don't use it like one. Let it carry you."
"But I don't know how to let go. It's... always my... need that fuels it. I have to keep them safe." Gungi's paw squeezes my hand. He understands. Whatever it is I'm drowning in, he sees it, because he's lived it himself in a way he and I could never say to another. It's a natural desperation to use our powers to save those around us.
Omega was always like that. I never really understood it with her, but she's different than me. I just want my family. Nothing else really... matters, but then there's people like Gungi, other children like me who are so young and kind and nice and need help in every way I know so well. It's always been that need that drives me, and that – I threw Crosshair with the Force once.
I'd been angry.
Translation: quit being so aggressive. "You use the Force when you're angry, too. Isn't that – what did Anakin call it? The Dark Side?"
A sharp flare of shame rises up, and I instantly regret having asked.
"Don't worry. It's okay." I shrug a little. "I work better when I'm angry, too. Sometimes, I think that's all I am."
"There is no chaos; there is harmony."
"How is there harmony in death? In the Empire"
He growls softly, radiating a gentle hurt. "I don't know. But the Force will guide us. Right now, we have to survive."
"Echo says his Jedi had to be calm, but I don't know how to be. I just – dunno what I should do about Crosshair."
Every time I think of him, I can't stop remembering our past. All the time we spent together. All those crazy little things we did together. And I remember every night, where I would lie against his chest, remember his hand in my hair, Hunter's he would do anything for you, and I realize that every time I tell myself I hate him I'm lying.
I don't.
I love him.
I want him back, and I hate that, because I can't live in a reality where the one person I loved, the one person I trusted is gone. Where he left me.
I can't love another when I already gave someone my full heart. I can't give anyone something I don't have.
Crosshair was the first one I loved. The first one I chose. I loved him because I – he was a mirror. I loved him, because he was me.
"This is exactly what I am."
"This is who I am."
We've both done terrible things.
I hate him, because I hate myself.
I can't forgive myself because I can't forgive him.
And I'm so, so scared.
Of him.
Of myself.
Of what this means.
"I – I don't –"
"Don't be afraid," he says, voice reverberating through my mind. His hands are soft and warm in mine, and I squeeze harder. He's so kind and gentle. I didn't even know anyone was that nice. Hunter doesn't count. Or Echo and Wrecker, I guess. And – and 'mega.
"How can I let it go?"
"Feel," he requests, orders, his hands and mind so gentle against mine. "Quiet your mind, and let the Force feel you."
"Show me?" I request shyly.
His hands slide from mine, but the warmth of his touch lingers, burning in all the right ways. They're on his knees as we sit by the trees, and I mimic him, palms up and eyes closed.
And breathe.
The walls are breaking. They're thin and glassy. Around me is bright. Pain but peace. There's still order in this case. Still life in the death. Our lives come from what dies. We live in the ashes of those before.
"Maybe you never have been."
"I can't stop thinking about what I did to him. What I – I hurt him. I never gave him a chance, and because of me, he'll never come home."
"We can't change the past. I can't help my master." I feel his grief, and I gnaw at my lip, watching. He lost his friends. His parents. Siblings. Family. I still have that. "If you find someone else who needs help, help them."
Is that what drowns Omega? That she couldn't save her brothers from being away from her, even if she was just a kid, so she tries to make up for it by helping everyone she can?
"I'll try," I promise, closing my eyes and trying to breathe. It still hurts, but there's an acceptance in pain, a belief in – maybe... maybe my visions weren't fully wrong.
It could have changed. That doesn't mean it was a lie.
**w**
Gungi comes to see us off the next morning. We've been here a while, and the trandoshans have fallen back. There's no reason to stick around longer than needed. The wookies... can handle themselves. We have our own lives, even if it hurts to leave.
The ramp lowers, and I pause, looking back at Gungi. The kid who helped me find myself. He deserves to know how much he helped me, so many things I've struggled with so long. If he survived, I'm sure others did, too.
Anakin might still be out there.
"Wait," I request, before I back out, running up the ramp. I haven't gone back here in a long time. I haven't touched Crosshair's armor crate it what feels like a lifetime, but I might as well take it out and open it again.
I repainted his helmet. Still don't regret that. He can yowl if he ever sees it again. If we ever see each other again.
My energy bow is on top. The one I – that one. Omega nearly –
No.
I pull out the picture I locked in here of all of us, the one I took so long ago, and sprint back down the ramp. I see Crosshair all the time in my dreams, in my memory, but it's not the same as when I turn the holo back on for the first time in five months and see his face. The same. Sharp, burning, and unyielding.
His hair is the same silver as I remember, of course, but he'd been without it the last time I saw him. I need to tell him how awful that looks.
"Here," I tell Gungi, coming to stand by his side and holding the picture out to him. "That was him. Crosshair. Our brother. We lost him to the Empire, the same way you lost yours. He... stayed with them. I tried to tell myself it wasn't his fault, but I was wrong. He – didn't choose us. Just like – your clones, didn't choose you. But we survived."
Gungi looks at the picture, then up at me, his eyes softening. He growls gently. He likes them. Us. Crosshair.
"I thought we were always meant to be together 'til the end."
He growls again. "Maybe, you are. Don't give up."
"I won't," I promise, with a smile shy but sincere. "You taught me that." We gave him hope, and he repaid me in every way he knew. He was everything I've been looking for so long.
He growls again, words I can't make out, but I know the meaning in my gut. I bolt forwards, throwing my arms around his neck and willing the stars that this not be the last time we see each other. Somehow, I don't think it will be. But maybe, next time, we'll be able to be – permanent.
To give him what we all really need.
Family. Home.
We need the Jedi back.
Gungi's hands come around me, pressing to my back and holding us together. I relax into his fur, closing my eyes and breathing. Safe and warm.
"I'm gonna miss you," I breathe.
He ruffles my hair, and I laugh.
"It's okay. We'll be back someday, I'm sure. Kashyyyk's our lucky planet."
Gungi laughs. I step back from him, hands clenched over the edge of the photo. The others are already moving for the ship, and I wave to him before running after, jogging up the ramp and pausing in the doorway. I turn back to wave to him until the ramp shuts and we lift off, leaving Kashyyyk – and Gungi – far behind.
He's the Jedi I've been looking for ever since Anakin, and it helps me somehow. I belong with my brothers, but I have something they... don't. Something other people do. It's something they can't help me with, even if they want to.
"Why did you show him that?" Hunter asks me. He remembers the – importance of this. He's the one who found me with it. I used to sleep with it every night, like that was enough to bring Crosshair back of itself, but it's not. The ship feels different now. Everything is lighter somehow. Brighter. Like the colors I haven't been able to see for so long are finally back.
"Because he needed to know. I'm not ashamed of Crosshair. Only of what I did to him." I look at it again, my eyes finding Crosshair's in the picture before I sigh and shut it off.
There's no use brooding. Those times are long gone.
Hunter and Echo exchange glances
Hunter smiles a little, a little wistful.
"What?" I ask uncomfortably, hugging the picture to my chest.
"Nothing," he answers with a shake of his head. "It's just – nice to see you've made a friend." He pats my shoulder as he moves up front, sliding into the seat behind Wrecker – who's flying with Tech for reasons I have no idea. Echo trails after, settling in for the flight.
Omega's watching me wordlessly when I go to the back to slide the picture back into the crate and lock it again.
I can't deny my disappointment at being off Kashyyyk, but hey, it's what we need. Gungi's life isn't ours.
**w**
I spy Echo out later, hopping up onto the seat next to him. "Seeing Gungi had me wondering," I tell him, "Do you really think all the Jedi were killed in the Order?"
Echo sighs quietly, turning towards me. "I don't know, kid. I wouldn't think so. We've seen two kids, and I doubt they're the only ones. But that doesn't mean we'll ever find them. They're in danger every second. I'm sure the Empire has people onto them."
Crosshair. I try not to think about that. If the Empire had anything special in mind for my brothers, they'd have made us Jedi hunters. We wouldn't have survived this long. Bet he never thought about that. But that's not what's important right now.
"I just – wonder, sometimes," I blurt, rubbing a hand on my arm and trying not to squirm, "How many we knew, are still out there?"
"There's not much to say unless we know," Echo shrugs. He doesn't want to hope. I don't, either, but we live on hope, don't we?
"I never saw the galaxy under the Jedi, but... I think we could use some back."
"It would help," Echo agrees, "But after everything those kids have been through, it's not fair to ask anything of them. They should get to live their own lives."
"And so should we." I lean back in my chair a little, thinking. "Back when the Order was given out, I Saw something. I Saw Rex, and I – there was someone else there. I saw when his chip activated and he tried to kill the – whoever she was. And then I Saw you on Kaller. Oh, and... something else I don't know. But I heard Anakin."
Echo's shoulders tense. His hand shifts on the chair arm. "You Saw the general?"
"Yeah. I dunno what it was."
"Rex hasn't said anything about him."
"I don't think he would even if he knew, but I don't think he knows, either. When I met Anakin, we Saw each other's futures somehow. I've always thought I was gonna see him again. That... didn't feel like a goodbye."
"It is possible," Echo agrees grudgingly, "But if he's not here, where is he? Why isn't he with us? He wouldn't be with the Empire."
Something twists in my heart. Heavy and warm with sorrow. "People don't always make the choices we expect them to. Or the right ones."
"You think he might be –"
"No! Well, I don't know. I'm just – I think – anyway, i - it doesn't matter." Echo's upset, and I don't want to make it harder for him. I am serious, though. There's something about his general that just isn't adding up, and I don't know what, but I wish I could figure it out.
I think it's important.
"Our general is the one who taught us right from wrong. He led us so many times in the war. He fought beside us. He came back for us, even when we didn't. He and Fives were – friends." His voice cracks.
I lay my hand over his, shifting closer and resting my head on his upper arm. "It's okay," I promise in a whisper. "They're still with us. Anakin would be here with Rex if he was here. And Fives – is still with us. He's still in our hearts." I love him, even if I've never seen him, and never will. Every choice we've made has had Fives in it. Every –
He's not really gone.
"The Empire won't last forever. We'll see its end."
"How do you know?" Echo asks me. This is one of his phases where he's trying his hardest not to cry, and I hate having brought it up at all, but I need to let him know. I think his commander's still alive. I know Anakin is. I saw his fire turn dark. Dark, like the galaxy, like the energy that runs through our veins, but it's not...
"I don't know," I tell him, mystified, though it's an instinct deep in my gut. "I just think it will. Might be over sooner than we realize."
I'm an evil gremlin with no regret for the insane level of foreshadowing in this chapter muahahahahah
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