Chapter XCIX

Moving On

Twilight is on the horizon; the blue mixes with a soothing pastel pink, which is gradually contaminated with an orange-yellow. The air is cold, although the absence of wind makes this night paradoxically warm and pleasant. After my shower, I go outside with Naruto. He follows the pace of my steps and doesn't cling to me, but he scans his surroundings warily. His heart is racing because we're followed in the shadows. Even if they have erased their presence, their smell and their chakra, they don't escape the keen senses of the teenager. Trusting Naruto, I know where they're hiding with dismaying precision. I hope they stop circling us soon. Their presence stresses my student and me.

I notice the blond's fleeting glances at me. He's quick to look away if I stare back, even out of the corner of my eye. A veil of shyness covers his face. I raise an eyebrow at his weird behaviour. I jump when his fingers brush against mine; at that, I miss a heartbeat. Naruto's intentions are now clear. Immediately, I shove my hands in my pockets. Disappointed, he stops his attempts. With all these rumours and this excessive hatred towards us, it won't help the situation if Naruto starts holding my hand while walking in front of everyone… And I don't want to hold it either… Maa, not in front of everyone, that said…

I forget this awkward moment and arrive at the Yamanaka Flowers. Fortunately, there are only a few minutes left before closing. Inside, Naruto's excitement is skyrocketing. He's smiling from ear to ear, and his wagging tail betrays his joy. His eyes focus everywhere as the many floral scents overwhelm his nostrils. It slipped my mind that he really likes flowers now … or their smells… Who knows. During my hospitalization, Sakura explained that she didn't give me any because of Naruto; she wanted him to stop asking her for it every time they saw each other.

When the feral boy comes dangerously close to the poor defenceless plants, I grab him by the back of the collar. "I stop you, Naruto. I won't let you wreak havoc." Unsurprisingly, he starts sulking…

"Oh! Kakashi-Sensei! Naruto! Good evening," Ino greets us.

"Yo!"

According to the girl's face, she's still troubled by what she saw in Naruto's mind. She tries to hide her nervousness. The presence of my student puts her on edge. With what happened this morning, I don't blame her.

"With your numerous injuries, I didn't expect to see you already on your feet."

I let out a nervous laugh as I slide a hand through my silky soft hair. "I agree that my injuries seemed more serious than that. I slept all day and despite some pain, I feel good."

My words seem to reassure the kunoichi. I approach the counter, with a sulking and hissing Naruto behind me.

"What can I do for you this evening?"

"I'm coming for myself this time."

"As per usual?"

"As usual," I nod with a smile.

While Ino prepares my order, Naruto continues to fume. He hits my leg with his tail. His ears are about to steam out… He's going to be really upset if I walk out of here with something and he doesn't.

I sigh before handing him a pair of shears. "Two, not one more," I explain dryly. "If I see you with a bouquet, I'll thrash it, got it?"

The effect is immediate. Naruto stops sulking and grabs the instrument, smiling. He lets out a few silent chuckles and rushes into the store to make his selection.

"It's been a while since you've been here for this," Ino notes, placing the finely wrapped daffodils on the counter.

"With Naruto, I no longer have time for myself … or for anything, for that matter," I sigh, inhaling the familiar scent, which brings a nostalgic smile on my face.

"With what Shikamaru tells me, I believe you Kakashi-Sensei."

I easily guess the depth of her thoughts. The fact that she's this upset worries me a little. Although I asked Sakura, I decide to ask her anyway. "Ino... What did you see in Naruto's mind...?"

A silence.

"I… I don't want to talk about it right now," she mutters quietly, her head bowed. "All I can tell you is that I don't know how you manage to sleep at night."

"I see…"

Cold sweat breaks out on my temple, and I caress the back of my neck. I dread discovering this darkness in Naruto. Like Sakura, Ino is an emotional and very sensitive person. This thing has upset her this much … and it sends shivers down my spine. I hope that this mark indeed protects me from this entity and that the incident this morning is just an accident; I'm convinced Naruto was trying to protect me … without knowing he was killing me instead… If this darkness can be sealed and neutralized forever, I'm all yes.

Naruto comes back to my side. Although I allowed him to take two, he chose two Asagao. Obviously, he's particularly fond of this flower that Ino gave him a long time ago. I'm thinking of investing in a plant to brighten up my room a little. I don't know why, but there's something missing … a lot of things, like there's a void that needs to be filled now. I have an unnecessary and out of nowhere desire to renovate my room and decorate it. Its current state depresses me…

- XxX -

The ending twilight covers Konoha when I arrive at my destination. My heart is heavy as I contemplate the graves that stretch to the horizon, under the benevolence of this monument within it, this symbol representing the will of fire. A guilty and useless hesitation roots my feet to the ground. I feel like I've disappointed you so much, that I've broken my promise once again. This is the first time I've delayed coming this long. I justified my too many absences by my missions far from the village … but for almost three months, I haven't come to see you, not once even though I've not left Konohagakure during all this time.

Uselessly, again and again, guilt poisons me…

I snap out of my demons when Naruto cautiously grabs my wrist. Smiling shyly, he looks at me with his eyes full of kindness and compassion. He feels the sadness that eats me from the inside. In his own way, he tries to reassure me. This is enough to uproot me from the earth, which petrified my legs into granite.

I give him a sincere smile. I quickly scan the surroundings to make sure there's no soul around. It's just the two of us. I allow myself to offer him my hand, and the blond doesn't hesitate to grab it. His hand is warm and pleasant; it chases away the coldness that never leaves my icy extremities. I don't know why, but I already feel lighter; my anxieties, like my fears, are soothed. The warm presence of my caring student ensures that loneliness is a foreign concept now. Weird rumblings in my stomach persist for a breath.

Alongside my light, pain vanishes, and it prevents it from corrupting me.

Despite the exhaustion caused by my almost zero chakra reserves, I walk briskly, without slowing down. A gentle wind rises, carrying in its wake the first leaves of autumn soon upon our doors. I let go of Naruto's hand when we're in front of the grave of my precious friend, whose life was taken far too soon … by my own murderous hand… "Rin… I took some time to see you… Forgive me…"

The air becomes heavy; breathing is difficult. Nostalgia and melancholy pinch my heart. I smell the daffodils one last time before putting them on her grave. This perfume is a painful reminder that only I know, these memories that only I carry. A ghost tear appears in the corner of my eye. "These are your favourites."

I also think about Obito. He was desperate to become the light in your eyes void of any malice. He was awkward and a little stupid, determined for you to notice him. If I hadn't told him that you loved the beauty of these flowers, he would still be debating which ones to buy for you. Sometimes I ruminated. I wanted to be special too, like you were to him and like I was to you, Rin. Darkness has consumed me. I forbade myself from getting close to anyone, for fear of seeing this person dear to my heart die without being able to do anything; an unspeakable terror of being condemned to suffer this same pattern, which would repeat itself over and over until the end of my days. I would have liked it to be otherwise…

Naruto crouches in front of the grave, on which he places the two Asagao. He clasps his hands together, closing his eyes. He easily understands the reason for my coming here, that I came here to visit someone dear to me. Even if he doesn't know Nohara Rin, he pays his respects to her, prays for her. His attention touches me, sincerely. For a moment, I thought he was imitating me … but that's not the case at all. Despite his amnesia and altered thoughts, he knows very well what a grave is and that this person meant a lot to me.

The sapphire-eyed boy gets up and opens his arms to me; he offers me a hug to comfort me. I happily accept his hug. As his black tail deepens the hug, I hug him tighter. The beats of our hearts synchronize and soothe my sorrow. The weight on my heart vanishes; I feel much lighter.

We separate from each other. Naruto shows me his most beautiful smile. In response, I freeze. This luminous face, these unreal white teeth and these closed eyelids… I… I recognize Naruto… Uzumaki Naruto, my precious student. I have the feeling that it's him, there, in front of me. No… It's definitely him, as if he has just appeared before my eyes. Although his blinding expression doesn't last, I'm hit with a powerful and foreign emotion; at that, my organ of love beats wildly.

"Na…Naruto…" I whisper, placing a hand on his shoulder.

I'd like to convince myself that the Uzumaki Naruto I've known for years has returned, but I know that's not the case. However, this thought makes me so … happy. It was only for a few seconds… Still, it fills me with joy to have seen Naruto manifest again. He's still buried deep beneath this impenetrable shell, but my precious student is there, somewhere, so close that I can brush my fingertips against him. It won't be long before his voice returns… Naruto is so close … so close that I regain hope.

I place my hand on his cheek; his blond locks tickle my skin. Naruto receives my touch by tilting his head. His eyes never leave mine; his smile grew in intensity. This emotion that quivers within me overwhelms me, possesses the entirety of my thoughts. I can't escape his irises, which have monopolized the depths of the ocean. My breathing follows the wild pace in my chest. My other hand timidly reaches for his. I abandon myself to the cries of my heart. I close my eyes, approach and approach, without realizing what I'm doing…

However, Naruto looks stern and stares at something behind me. He goes around me, gets between me and the thing that is approaching us; at that, his tail wraps around my legs. I'm suddenly pulled out of this disturbing trance, which had erased the world I am in, to the point that I didn't feel this familiar presence.

I recognize the long, messy black hair on which the night glow reflects, the glamorous red that never leaves her lips and the purple eye shadow that matches her carmine-red eyes. According to the silk-wrapped flowers she's holding, she's here for the same reasons as me.

"Yuhi Kurenai."

"Good evening, Kakashi. Good evening, Naruto," she responds with a gentle smile.

To my great surprise, Naruto stops arching his back and being aggressive. His tail leaves my legs. Odd. It's the first time he sees her. Yet, he completely lowers his barriers with her. He observes her with curiosity. Something about her intrigues him.

"You came for Asuma?" I ask.

She nods. "And you, for Rin," she guesses, glancing at the grave behind me. "It's been a long time since I saw you here, Kakashi."

"Aah... Indeed," I agree, ruffling Naruto's hair. "With him, my schedule is overloaded."

"Yes. I heard that you were very busy and were hospitalized just recently. Naruto, how is he? Did he say anything?"

"He's still as mute as a grave, but he's getting better and better. His feral temperament has almost left him, and he's gradually becoming himself again."

Suddenly, Naruto leans forward briefly to stare at Kurenai. Nervousness crawls under her skin, and she holds her breath when he takes a step forward. I notice that the blond's eyes are pinned on her stomach.

Is it possible that he felt that a new life is growing inside her? Is this why he relaxed and lowered his barriers with her...? After all, Naruto is capable of perceiving certain things invisible to our eyes and demonstrates great emotional sensitivity, receptive to the emotions that surround him… Maa, especially mine.

After a brief moment, he cracks a smile. Then he starts looking at me—more specifically, staring at my stomach. Without warning, he lifts my jacket and shirt to inspect it, exposing my skin and making me jump. Red, I hasten to hide by pulling my tops back down to where they belong, but he continues to strip me naked. "Uh… I… Stop! I can't be pregnant, Naruto!"

Fortunately, Naruto lets go of me and pouts, frowning. He's deep in thought now… I don't know what he's thinking about or what ideas are going through his head. Did he think I had a uterus or what?! Was he thinking of something inappropriate?!

Kurenai chuckles. "Kakashi... You say you don't have time for that anymore … but I don't think that's the case."

"Hmm? What are you talking about?"

Her radiant red eyes lands on the grave behind me before returning to me. She displays a peaceful smile. "Whether it was here or at the Memorial Stone, you always found time to go there, even if you were extremely busy. This encroached on your responsibilities. This is why you were always late. Kakashi, I think you're moving on."

I widen my eyes. Her words pierce me, with such violence that I feel like I've been slapped in the face.

"I believe that Naruto brings good into your daily life. Am I wrong?"

My throat is tight; I can't say anything. Her words resonate within me. I'm doubting myself again. Am I really moving on, without realizing it? Is this really the case?

A silence settles in.

"I'm sure they would be proud of you, Kakashi," Kurenai says before going to Asuma's grave.

I… I think she's right … and I'm just a moron. I used Naruto as an excuse not to come. I had convinced myself that he would cause trouble and destroy this place of peace. However, since I've been watching over him, not once has he displayed wanton destruction. I realize how far I was wrong. I no longer feel the need to come here as often; this obsession with spending hours and hours, rain or shine, moping and dwelling on the extent of my mistakes is no longer glaring. In fact, the thought of coming here and to the Memorial Stone just doesn't cross my mind anymore… Maa, not as much as it used to. Besides, I'm ready to leave.

Am I really moving on?

A sudden wind rises, reaches the back of my neck; a horrible shiver runs through my entire body, spreading odious electric currents that make me shrug. Like me, Naruto also shivers from the "cold." I bring a hand to the back of my neck, grimacing. This weakness to wind is horrible. Taken by surprise, it paralyzes me. I fear being affected by this phenomenon in the middle of a fight… I don't dare imagine the ordeal of the blond who experiences it constantly. I wonder if he managed to get used to it…

I move my accomplished ninja jacket to protect my neck, in case there's another gust like this. I return my attention to the grave at my feet. Kurenai's words swirl in my head like a real storm.

"I'll be back… This time, without the slightest excuse," I promise.