It was yet another peaceful day in Mondstadt.
The birds sung in the sky, children played in the streets, and merchants were busy selling their merch to passer-by.
In one particular street, Sucrose and Timaeus were discussing matters regarding a package.
« So, Sucrose, the package you mentioned that you received before... It's not dangerous, is it? You need to be careful when you're opening packages. I once had a friend mail me some research materials, and all the bouncing around in transit caused a reaction...» Timaeus explained. « Once I opened it, it let out a stench that could wake the dead. If your package contains anything like that, then maybe you should check with Albedo first and see what he thinks. »
« No, this package didn't contain any hazardous materials...» Sucrose replied.
But as she did, a massive explosion could be seen in the distance, the inhabitants of Mondstadt knowing all too well who were responsible for it.
The Imps were essentially racing one another by sliding on the road with Hilichurl corpses, whilst holding large dead slimes.
Blitzo was the first to enter the city, before leaping into the air and dunk slamming the slime on top of some Fatui, with several cheering cries coming out of nowhere.
« God I fucking missed Mondstadt! » Blitzo exclaimed happily as he looked at what he did.
« Clearly the feeling isn't mutual…» Timaeus commented.
« Oh, hey Tim! And Herr Mengele lab bitch too! So, good ol' Albedo sticked his "needle" in ya yet? »
« I-I wish…» Sucrose murmured ashamed.
« What? »
« What? »
« Don't worry, girl. Give me, like, five minutes and he'll drool all over you. » Loona said, as she walked towards Sucrose.
« So, back in Mondstadt to make our lives hell? » Timaeus asked annoyed.
« Fuck you! What we do is none of yer god damned business! But since yer bothering us with questions, why don't we ask our own questions? What's in that box? » Blitzo replied.
« Oh, it's nothing out of the ordinary. It's just a package from a Sumeru scholar who came here to study in Mondstadt. It's most likely a thank-you gift for collaborating on some research together. » Sucrose replied.
« Oh, you mean those guys with the big ass school that essentially runs over that shitty country? Knowing schools, it's probably something super dull…» Loona commented.
« There wasn't anything dangerous inside, just a bunch of strange cards. » Sucrose replied. « I think I've seen Timaeus with some similar-looking cards before, so I came to ask him about what they might be. »
« You've seen me with some cards? Ah, maybe those were the testing cards used for distinguishing reagents? » Timaeus asked.
« No, they didn't look like test cards. Here, have a look... » Sucrose replied, as she showed a card portraying her.
« Oh, you meant these... Huh, Sucrose, have you really never seen these before? » Timaeus asked incredulous.
« No, never. Recently, I've been spending all my time up in the mountains working on cultivating Pentatanic Sweet Flowers. Why, is this an area of research that has started trending in the alchemical community during my absence? » Sucrose asked.
« Haha, you could definitely say that it's trending, but not as an area of research... It's a card game that's been getting really popular these days. » Timaeus replied. « It's called "Genius Invokation TCG"! »
A long silence followed. «…Da fuck is "Genius Involuntary STD" !? »
« Genius Invokation TCG, ya muppets! Haven't you heard of it before? » Timaeus asked annoyed. « Apparently it's a game that was invented by a scholar in the Akademiya. People from all over are playing it now. »
« Clearly they never heard of strip poker….» Blitzo commented.
« The Yae Publishing House in Inazuma has even published a series of light novels based on the game. The story is really good! »
« Let me guess. "That time I've got reincarnate as a Tommie submachine gun, why the heck am I that overpowered" ? 'Cause that's something you weeb fucks could probably come up with….» Moxxie asked annoyed.
« Oh, Japan! Never change, my darling! » Blitzo smirked.
« Well as long as they have 15 years old writing self-insert fanfictions and publishers releasing all that crap, nothing is gonna change. » Moxxie replied.
« It's…not at all what you just said. » Timaeus replied.
« What the fuck even is Japan…» Sucrose murmured.
« Anyway, it starts with a young guy in Sumeru who finds an ancient "Casket of Tomes" in the attic. He opens it, and discovers that the soul of an ancient TCG player called the Crocodile King has been captured inside. » Timaeus explained. « It turns out that the Crocodile King was King Deshret's viceroy, who battled an opponent named the Ibis King. During the match, the Crocodile King fell prey to his opponent's scheme and was sealed away in the Casket of Tomes. After being unexpectedly released by the kid, the Crocodile King possesses him and helps him to gradually climb the ranks and become a legendary TCG player. »
« That sounds like the shittiest thing I could possibly read here in Teyvat…» Moxxie commented.
« Honey, not everyone can be Edgar Allan Poe. » Millie poked her husband with her elbow.
« Well you have to admit the premise is pretty bad, right? And something tells me that by "helping him" the Crocodile King essentially made him overpowered. » Moxxie replied.
« Fucking touché. » Loona added.
« …Timaeus, is that the reason you requested an extension on your progress report deadline, citing "personal reasons" for the delay? » Sucrose asked.
« Ahem, well... I did go through a phase recently where I wasn't putting enough focus on my work, but it's under control now. I've committed to not even touch Genius Invokation TCG until I've made enough progress in my research. » Timaeus replied.
« Aw, well that's unfortunate. » Sucrose commented.
« Why? He gets more time to research and wastes less time reading something that would make Jim Theis blush… » Blitzo asked.
« Sir? » Moxxie raised an eyebrow surprised.
« What? I have hobbies…. »
« ….Yeah that makes sense….»
« Well, since it's a gift from a researcher I've collaborated with, I thought that I should at least try to learn the rules. That way, I could say that I at least tried to appreciate his gift. » Sucrose replied.
« Makes sense. Hey Tim! We need yer Fanfiction stache! It's gonna be painful, but it's for the greater good…» Blitzo replied.
« Since you Imps wouldn't know to recognize a good novel if it slapped you in the face, if you'd like to learn the rules of Genius Invokation TCG, then I'd actually suggest you go to The Cat's Tail. » Timaeus replied annoyed.
« We need to learn how to play Bootleg Pokémon, not get drunk. » Moxxie replied.
« I mean we still could…» Blitzo commented.
« It's where everyone in the community goes to play when they have time. They gather there, trade cards... and they're very welcoming to new players. » Timaeus replied. « Trying to learn the rules can be intimidating at first, but it's a lot of fun once you get the hang of it. »
« Understood. Imps, let's go to The Cat's Tail and try asking around. » Sucrose replied. « To be honest, hearing Timaeus talking about the game has also piqued my curiosity. »
« Sure. I'm not really interested in playing that shit, but ya know when you see a bigass truck incident, and there's tons of blood everywhere, and everyone has been squished, everything is gruesome, their insides are outside now, and ya don't wanna look at it, but ya just can't help but stare at the carnage? Yeah, that's me right now. » Blitzo replied.
A short silence followed.
« Blitzo? » an angry and terrified Sucrose spoke.
« Yes sweet tits? » Blitzo casually replied.
« …Please…just…stop. Just stop. All right? »
« No promises! »
«….Fair enough… »
Xxxxxxx
At The Cat's Tail…
« Welcome to The Cat's Ta-Oh Barbatos it's you morons. » the owner commented. She had shoulder-length blonde hair. She wore a red and white dress and a brown hat. Her accessories consisted of a red choker necklace, gold earrings, and a red bracelet on both of her hands.
« No tips for ya, cuntasaurus rex. » Blitzo replied annoyed.
« Oh, and Sucrose the alchemist, to top it all up. It's been a while, hasn't it? » she added, as she turned towards Sucrose, who simply laughed nervously.
« I'm afraid I've already told you before: Fur from The Cat's Tail staff is not for sale, no matter how much Mora you offer. » the woman said annoyed.
« Ah, don't worry, Margaret, we're not here for that research project I told you about last time. » Sucrose replied.
« What the fuck are you Flavour scientists doing? » Moxxie asked worried.
« Oh, I just wanted to test out some hypotheses, and I needed some materials... But, uh, we can talk about that later. » Sucrose explained, before changing the subject. « Actually, Margaret, we're here to learn more about Genius Invokation TCG. »
After a while, Sucrose had explained everything to Margaret.
« Ah, Genius Invokation TCG... We were just talking about that game. » Margaret commented. « You see, more and more people have been gathering at The Cat's Tail to play, so I thought: Why not have a dedicated staff to serve the new customers? »
As she said that, a black cat mewed.
« Ah, allow me to interpret. Ahem, Prince says that the word "customer" is much too loose of a term, and we should instead refer to anyone who loves dueling with cards as "TCG players." » a man explained.
« Hmm... my mistake. So it seems I haven't introduced you yet... This is Prince and Shuyun. They will be in charge of taking care of our "TCG players." » Margaret explained.
« Ah, I'm afraid I must correct you there, Ma'am. Only Prince, the strongest and most formidable TCG player of all, is capable of providing valuable guidance to our new players. » Shuyun explained. « The average player is incapable of grasping the subtlety and sheer genius behind Prince's every play, and he has no choice but to rely on me to communicate with everyone. I am merely Prince's lowly assistant, that's all. »
« Oh, I get it! You're batshit insane and probably flay kids alive! » Blitzo exclaimed.
In response, Prince just mewed.
« Oh? What's that? "Shuyun, in the eyes of the common folk, I look no different than any other ordinary cat." Ah, understood... » Shuyun replied.
« Hmm, it seems he really is capable of communicating with the cat. Could this be the result of some modification to the language centre of his brain?» Sucrose hypothesized.
« Or perhaps he's just fucking insane? » Loona replied annoyed.
« Anyway, if you'd like to know anything about Genius Invokation TCG, then please ask Shuyun... Uh, who will ask Prince. » Margaret said. « Though I'd love to explain more myself, it's time for my daily walk. I'll let Prince play a game with you and walk you through all the rules. »
As she said that, Prince mewed once more.
« "Just as a seasoned warrior can foresee the path of his opponent's sword, so too can I, as a TCG master, predict my opponent's every play. It would be improper to pit a newcomer to the art of the card against one such as myself, and I must therefore politely decline."» Shuyun translated. « Ahem, that's what Prince said. »
« …Did a cat just told us to fuck off? » Blitzo asked incredulous.
« He's a cat, they always tell people to fuck off. » Loona casually replied, before growling angrily at Prince, who hissed in response.
« Can't we just play with you, Shuyun? » Moxxie asked.
« I'm sorry, but from the day I met the mighty cardmaster Prince, I swore an oath that my hands would live solely to hold the cards, and not to play them. I will never play another match of my own again. » Shuyun explained.
« Fucking great. Who the fuck is gonna teach us how to play Anime Steet Poker now!? » Blitzo asked annoyed.
« If Prince is unwilling to play, then I guess we should look for an alternative. How about this... Diona! » Margaret called for a girl named Diona, and she swiftly appeared.
She had fair skin, short pink hair, teal green eyes, and round eyebrows. She possessed cat ears and a tail that appeared to be those of a calico cat.
Her centre bangs were pulled into a stiff, upwards pigtail at the front of her head.
She wore a large dark indigo cap, along with shorts of the same colour with gold paw-print decorations. She also wore a dark midriff-baring sleeveless turtleneck shirt with an orange-yellow scarf, pale pink sleeves, a vest of the same colour, and white gloves with light pink paw-like patterns on the undersides. In addition to this, she wore a cat collar with her initial written on the tag and an orange handkerchief tied around the base of her tail. Hanging from her waist was a cold drink canteen, attached to which was her Cryo Vision.
« Yeah, blah blah blah, what is it? I'm pretty busy over here, you know! » she replied annoyed.
« Hey kiddo! Can ya teach us how to play Magic the Animering? Oh, and bring the strongest shit ya have too. » Blitzo asked.
« Hmph, why is it that every player that sets foot in here to play Genius Invokation TCG has to have a drink... Ugh! Don't they have any clue that the key to playing a game is the ability to think straight? » Diona replied. « Seriously, games and drinks don't mix. Don't they get that? Ugh! »
« What can I say... As the tavern owner, I can't help but feel happy to hear this. » Margaret shrugged. « Anyway, I see you've been working hard so I thought you could use a break... So why not come over here and teach these customers the rules of Genius Invokation? »
« Ha, hahah! Yeah! What kind of break is that? I'd rather not, hmph! Oh... why are we letting all these loafers come in here to play Genius Invokation TCG anyway? All it does is encourage more people to come to the bar for a drink... » Diona replied annoyed, before sighing. « Ya know, if drinks sales keep going up like this, pretty soon, Mondstadt's alcohol industry is gonna reach new heights... Grr, looks like my first step in destroying Mondstadt's alcohol industry should be stamping out the spread of Genius Invokation TCG! »
« You DO realize that the alcoholic industry is the only thing keeping this anarchist commune together, right? » Moxxie asked with a deadpan expression.
« It also helps that it's managed by the only competent person in this god damned city. » Blitzo added.
Then, Prince mewed once more.
« "My dear, you are quite mistaken. You said it yourself — a clear mind is necessary to win. Soon, their thirst for victory will overcome their thirst for alcohol..." » Shuyun translated. « Prince speaks the truth, Diona. Not only is the spread of Genius Invokation TCG no obstacle to your goal of destroying Mondstadt's alcohol industry, it could even support you in this endeavour! »
« C—Could it really? » Diona asked amazed, her eyes wide.
« Sure, why not. Alrighty then, our two customers are waiting to learn... Shuyun, let's put you on drink-mixing duty for now. » Margaret replied.
Once more, Prince mewed.
« "But Shuyun is destined for a far greater purpose..."» Shuyun translated.
« How about ya tell that pussy to fuck off and get us our god damned drinks, ya weeb fuck? » Blitzo replied annoyed.
In response, Prince lunged on the Imp face and started clawing it, Blitzo letting out a muffled scream of agony.
« Alright! We'll need some space to learn, heheh. Let's go to that empty table over there. » Diona pointed at a large table, before Blitzo yeeted Prince away.
« Sure thing….let's fucking do this! » Blitzo exclaimed, as he lunged at the seat, light up a cigar and put on some sunglasses.
« …Sir this isn't fucking poker…» Moxxie said with a deadpan expression.
« ….Riiiiiiggggghhhhhtttttttt….Let's go through the rules. First things first, you'll be needing your deck, so place that on the table... » Diona explained.
« A... deck? » Sucrose asked confused.
« Uh, yes? You should have built a deck. You know, a set of cards that meets the bare minimum requirement to play the game...? » Diona replied almost as if it was the most obvious thing on the planet. « Huh-huh... what's with the blank stares? ...C'mon, don't tell me you came to learn Genius Invokation TCG without bringing any cards? »
« I mean, we have THE card…» Moxxie replied, as Sucrose pulled out her card.
« Uhh... you're gonna need a few more cards than that. » Diona replied.
« Balls….»
« Okay, lemme think... To learn the game, you'll need at least two Character Cards to switch between... » Diona pondered. « Oh, oh! That reminds me, a few days ago when I was closing up for the night, I noticed a customer had left a couple of Character Cards on the bar counter. Haha! Maybe you could use those for now. »
« Are you sure that's okay...? » Sucrose asked concerned.
« Eh, it's already been a few days and he still hasn't come back to claim them. Who knows, maybe he left them here on purpose...» Diona replied. « Oh. Okay, yeah. Got them here with me, you know, just in case the customer came looking for them. Yeah, yeah, not because I like to play the game or anything. Please... »
« Does that mean we can get this bootleg Yu Gi Oh tournament on the road? » Blitzo asked.
« Yup. So, are you ready to start? » Diona asked.
« Born ready! » Blitzo replied.
« Haha! Welcome — welcome to the world of Genius Invokation TCG! Simply put, this is a game where you control Character Cards to duke it out with your opponent! Pew pew pew! » Diona explained. « Once you've defeated all of your opponent's Character Cards, victory shall be yours! Now then, you're gonna need a character on the field to start with. »
« Money dispenser, I choose you! » Blitzo exclaimed, as he pulled out a Diluc card.
« Wait, why is he in the game? » Moxxie asked confused.
« I think it's something we shouldn't worry about. » Blitzo replied.
« First, we roll 8 Elemental Dice at the start of every Round. » Diona explained.
« Surprised it doesn't come with figurines and the grimdark future of the 41st millennium…» Blitzo noted, as he rolled two Omni Dice, four Pyro Dice, one Hydro Dice, and one Electro Dice.
« These dice correspond to elemental energy! We'll be spending these dice to perform actions! » Diona continued to explain, as she pulled out her own card, a Hilichurl Fighter.
« Should've had to pull up more with fire, since that's Daddy Diluc's thing…» Blitzo cursed.
« Once the Roll Phase is over, you will enter the Action Phase, where the real game starts! » Diona exclaimed. « During the Action Phase, you can spend Elemental Dice to perform various actions. »
« Okay…I guess…Diluc…uses…napalm? » Blitzo scratched his head confused, with the attack being translated as Searing Onslaught on Diona's Hilichurl Fighter.
« Heh, not bad. Even though you got the attack completely wrong. But alas, you just made your first attack. » Diona explained. « During the Action Phase, both sides will take turns making their moves. After you use a Skill to attack your opponent, it's their turn to attack. »
Diona then proceeded to use Jump and Hit on Diluc. « And as you can see, once the enemy finishes their move, it's our turn again. »
« What about these dices? » Blitzo asked, as he held a pair of dices.
« Now, these are Omni Element Dice. They can be spent on any move, regardless of the elemental type! » Diona explained. « So we're gonna use them to pay for the Pyro Dice needed for this Skill. Go on, give it a try. »
« Okay…I use these dices…and NOW, Diluc uses…flamethrower? » Blitzo replied puzzled as Diluc used Searing Onslaught on the Hilichurl Fighter, defeating it.
« I get a feeling that the moment you become a Genius Invokation TCG you'll need a translator to explain your moves…. » Diona commented.
« Already on it, kiddo….» Moxxie replied, as he wrote these words on a blank book.
« Still, that was pretty good. That's one opponent down for the count! Kabam! » Diona exclaimed. « But the game has only just begun, remember? You have to defeat all opponents to win. »
As she said that, her Blazing Axe Mitachurl used Du Plama on Diluc.
« Hmm, as much as we'd like to attack again, seems like we've run out of usable dice... Hmph. In that case, let's end this round! » Diona declared. « After you End Round, you won't be able to do anything else this Round. And once everyone chooses End Round... We can move on to the next Round. »
« All right, let's end this round then… » Blitzo replied.
« Alright! Here we are, a fresh new Round, woohoo! » Diona exclaimed. « And a fresh new Round means time to roll the dice again! That's how we're gonna get the elemental energy we need, after all. »
« Give me a good roll, baby! » Blitzo smirked, only for him to get a one Pyro Dice, three Geo Dice, two Electro Dice, one Hydro Dice, and one Dendro Dice. « Fuck! »
« Ew, that's some terrible luck. There's no way we'll be able to use Diluc's skill now... » Diona noted.
« Do we now!?» Blitzo exclaimed angrily.
« But don't worry! Situations like these are why we have the option to Reroll! Haha! » Diona replied. « Once per Round, you can select all the dice that you don't like and Reroll them. »
« I swear to god, if you pull this shit one more time…» Blitzo growled annoyed, before rolling his dices and getting a two Omni Dice, three Pyro Dice, and three Hydro Dice. « That's better I guess….»
« When the Action Phase begins, the player who first chose End Round in the previous round takes their turn first. This means that since you finished first the last Round, you will be the first to start this Round. » Diona explained. « Alrighty then. Let's learn a little bit about Energy and Elemental Bursts! Each time you use a Skill, your Character will gain 1 Energy. »
« If only gathering energy was that simple…» Blitzo joked.
« Once Diluc's Energy is full, he can use a powerful Elemental Burst. But we're still one short... » Diona noted. « Never mind, let's start with a Normal Attack instead. »
« How much do normie attacks cost, anyway? » Blitzo asked.
« Diluc's Normal Attack only needs 1 Pyro Die and 2 other dice of any type. » Diona explained. « In any case, your Normal Attack needs fewer Pyro Dice than your Elemental Skill. »
« All right, then. Diluc, use Molotov cocktail! » Blitzo exclaimed, as Diluc used Tempered Sword on Diona's Blazing Axe Mitachur. In response, Diona's Blazing Axe Mitachurl used Upa on Diluc.
« Hehe, now we have 3 Energy — plus, we have enough Pyro Elemental Dice left over. » Diona explained. « It's time to use your powerful Elemental Burst! »
« No need to tell me twice! Diluc! Use Fat Boy on that Chilli Churro! » Blitzo exclaimed, as Diluc used Dawn on the Blazing Axe Mitachurl, defeating.
« WHOHO! I'm king of the hill, baby! » Blitzo exclaimed.
« ….Sir you just beat a child in a card game… » Moxxie noted annoyed.
« Way to ruin the mood, Moxxie…» Blitzo replied annoyed. « So what's next? »
« In an actual game of Genius Invokation TCG, you need to use multiple Character Cards to form a party. » Diona explained. « Next up, it's time for your second Character Card, Kaeya, to take the stage! »
« Go on then, you Black Mondstadian Cyclops! » Blitzo rolled the dices, only to get a one Cryo Dice, one Pyro Dice, two Electro Dice, two Geo Dice, and two Dendro Dice.
« Huh... It seems like any move by Kaeya is gonna cost quite a lot of Cryo Dice... » Diona noted.
« Then I take the fire and ice and reroll the rest! » Blitzo replied. As a result of his reroll, Blitzo gained one Omni Dice, three Cryo Dice, two Pyro Dice, and two Hydro Dice.
« Get ready to have your Chilli Churros Sub-Zeroed, kid! » Blitzo exclaimed, as Kaeya used Frostgnaw on Diona's Blazing Axe Mitachurl, which in response used Upa on Kaeya.
« Good. Now our opponent is affected by Cryo. This is a good time to learn about Elemental Reactions! » Diona exclaimed.
« Man, it's just like real life! » Blitzo commented.
« Different types of Elemental Damage affect enemies with different Elements. When a character is affected by certain elemental combos... An Elemental Reaction will be triggered! » Diona explained. « At the moment, your opponent is affected by Cryo, so we should try and use a Pyro Skill on them... Looks like we have to switch active characters, though. Oh! That reminds me... Both sides must have one active character, while others are considered standby characters. »
« Meh. Makes sense…» Blitzo replied.
« Normally, we can only use the active character's Skills. » Diona continued. « Now, if we want to use the Skills of our standby character, we'll have to switch them to the active character. »
« Time to get back in the battlefield, Daddy Diluc! » Blitzo said, as he switched Kaeya with Diluc.
« You can spend 1 Elemental Die of any kind to switch a standby character to the active character. » Diona explained.
« Okay… » Blitzo replied, as he spent 1 Hydro Die to switch Kaeya with Diluc.
« Switching characters is an action, just like using a Skill, so once it's done, it's your opponent's turn. » Diona continued, as her Blazing Axe Mitachurl used Du Plama on Diluc.
« Most Skills can only target the active character. As you can see, your opponent just attacked Diluc. » Diona explained.
« Not gonna lie, that sounds like bullshit. » Blitzo complained.
« If it makes you feel better, now that Diluc is our active character, it's time to use his Skill!» Diona exclaimed.
« Meh. Serviceable. » Blitzo shrugged.
« Because the opponent is already affected by Cryo, dealing Pyro DMG triggers the "Melt" Elemental Reaction. When triggered, Melt increases DMG dealt by 2! » Diona explained. « This will allow you to deal loads of damage in one go! Haha! Genius Invokation's Elemental Reaction system is pretty cool, huh? »
« You bet! Mr. Diluchev, melt down this Chilli Churro! » Blitzo exclaimed, as Diluc used Searing Onslaught on Diona's Blazing Axe Mitachurl, defeating it.
« Alright, haha. Next up, let's learn how to use card types other than Character Cards. » Diona declared.
« Oh for fuck sake this is more complicated than the construction of a fucking machine gun! » Moxxie complained.
« These Cards are all known as Action Cards. » Diona explained. « Each time a match starts, you have to draw 5 Action Cards to form your starting hand. »
« Give me a minute…» Blitzo replied, as he rolled the dices and got a three Dendro Dice, two Geo Dice, two Anemo Dice, and one Hydro Dice.
« Uh-oh, looks like we don't have any Elemental Dice we can spend to make an attack...» Diona notec.
« Startin' ta REALLY pissing me off, dices…» Blitzo said angrily, as he rerolled the dices once more, getting a two Geo Dice, two Dendro Dice, two Dendro Dice, one Hydro Dice, and one Electro Dice. « FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! »
« Seriously!? We still don't have any usable dice even after that reroll? » Diona exclaimed.
« Don't get pissy on me, I should be the one pissed off! » Blitzo shot back.
« ...Well, never mind. Even in cases like this, we can still attack — we just need to put the Action Cards in our hand to good use! » Diona replied. « Don't underestimate Action Cards! They can grant all kinds of support and buffs to your Active Character. Take this one, for example...»
« SJW archnemesis sword, don't let me down…» Blitzo selected the White Iron Greatsword.
« So playing this Action Card will require 2× Genius Invokation TCG Matching Cost. » Diona explained.
« …Da fuck is any of that shit!?» Blitzo asked.
« See this Genius Invokation TCG Matching Cost symbol? Yeah, that means you'll need to play Elemental Dice of the same type. » Diona replied.
« See, now ya explained it correctly. » Blitzo said.
« Some other Cards will cost you Genius Invokation TCG Unaligned Cost instead. The cost requirements for Genius Invokation TCG Unaligned Cost are much more lenient. You can spend any kind of Elemental Dice.» Diona explained. « We'll cross that bridge when we get there, though. For now, just play this Action Card. »
« The things I do to win this shit…» Blitzo groaned annoyed.
« So, playing an Action Card from your hand is a form of Fast Action. Fast Actions do not end your current turn. Simply put, you can even continue to act even after playing an Action Card. Well then, you have your blade. Time to test it out! » Diona exclaimed. « But wait... Diluc's Elemental Skill costs 3 Pyro Dice, and right now, we don't even have 1... Not a problem! This is where we can use a more advanced mechanic known as Elemental Tuning. »
« The guy who invented this shit REALLY started throwing ideas at the wall to see what sticked…» Blitzo commented.
« By discarding one card from your hand, you can convert one Elemental Dice into the element of your current active character! » Diona pointed at the Magic Guide. « And this card isn't useful right now, so we might as well use it for Elemental Tuning. »
« Rest in piss, magic thingie…» Blitzo commented, as he sacrificed the Magic Guide and gained one Pyro Dice.
« Sometimes, you won't be able to perform any actions you want to, because you didn't roll the Elemental Dice you wanted. Oh well, moving on. » Diona shrugged.
« Gladly. » Blitzo replied.
« In Genius Invokation TCG, keeping up a constant flow of combat is much more important than the number of cards you have. In this case, well... Let's just take all these useless cards and use them for Elemental Tuning! » Diona exclaimed. « Just like playing cards from your hand, Elemental Tuning is a Fast Action. C'mon, hurry up. Use Elemental Tuning to get yourself 3 Pyro Dice! »
« I feel like I'm freaking Stalin sending quatrillions to die in Stalingrad for once inch of ground…» Blitzo joked, as he sacrificed the Raven Bow and gained one final Pyro Dice.
« Well, well, well, would you look at that? Finally, we now have enough Elemental Dice to use Searing Onslaught. » Diona explained.
« And just like Stalingrad, it was all worth it. » Blitzo smirked.
« Because you have the White Iron Greatsword equipped, Searing Onslaught will deal 1 extra DMG. What!? » Diona exclaimed surprised.
« Bon Voyage, my alcoholphobic furry twat! » Blitzo exclaimed, as Diluc used Searing Onslaught on Diona's Hilichurl Berserker, defeating it.
« Now comes the final part! Booyah! In a real match, you can make adjustments to your initial hand. » Diona explained. « At this time, we can select any number of cards in our hand to shuffle back into the Draw Pile, and then draw the same number of new cards. »
« Oh, god, this is giving me such a headache… » Blitzo complained.
« Once you have confirmed any adjustments you wish to make to your starting hand, both players have to select their starting active character at the same time! » Diona explained.
« All right…» Blitzo replied.
« Now, lemme teach you one last trick, free of charge! » Diona explained.
« I swear to god if I have to use another type of dice or another deck of cards, I'll scream bloody murder…» Blitzo complained.
« Nope! You can preview your opponents actions... I mean, that is to say, you can read their Intent. » Diona replied.
« Huh. Now that's interesting…» Blitzo replied.
« Well then, that's pretty much it. You're on your own from here, may victory be yours! » Diona exclaimed.
« About fucking time! » Blitzo replied.
« For a moment I thought I had to shove a broom up my ass and clean the whole fucking room as part of the game! » Loona added.
« Alright, cool, those are the basics. Did you get all that? What we just played was an Adventure Challenge, designed specially for new players. » Diona explained. « Genius Invokation TCG can be played in duel mode, where each player brings three Character Cards, or in Adventure Challenge mode, with a fixed deck for each challenge. But the rules are all the same. As long as you understand the basics, then you should be able to take on any of those rowdy boozehounds! »
« Although I feel there are still many details to grasp, I think I understand the basic premise of the game now. » Sucrose noted.
« That was quite the detailed explanation. I didn't know The Cat's Tail's famous mixologist had such an eclectic skillset. » Diluc, who had just entered the scene, commented.
« Waah! Wha— Oh! When did YOU get here...» Diona exclaimed shocked.
« I stepped in while you were in the middle of your explanation... I hope I didn't dampen the mood. » Diluc replied.
« Not really. Any Chilli Churros genocides we need to perform to your only? » Blitzo asked.
« Not at all. » Diluc replied.
« Ugh, anyway, what are you doing here? » Diona asked annoyed.
« The Cat's Tail is a player in Mondstadt's alcohol industry. Naturally, you have some collaboration with my winery. » Diluc explained. « I'm here today to discuss a few items of business with Margaret...»
« Too bad, she just left. But if you head off right now, you might still catch up with her! » Diona replied.
« Never mind, it's nothing urgent. In fact, I think I'm now more interested in this card that you're using to teach them the game. » Diluc replied.
« Wait, this card...? » Diona asked surprised.
« Still find it weird that it features Diluc in the first place…» Millie noted.
« Although I have some degree of experience with Genius Invokation TCG, seeing this particular card is a first for me...» Diluc noted.
« Uh, a customer left it behind a few days ago. But he wasn't even playing the game while he was here. » Diona replied.
« Oh? And what sort of a customer was he? » Diluc asked.
« Uh... He wasn't wearing an eyepatch, okay? He had a light complexion, and a super serious look on his face. He wasn't much of a talker, and looked like he was just drinking his worries away. Eh... never seen him around here before! » Diona tried badly to lie.
« Eyepatch, you say…» Diluc noted.
« Good job ratting Kaeya out. » Loona teased Diona, before she started hissing at the Hellhound. In response, Loona growled angrily, before Moxxie intervened, scooping Diona up and spraying some water on Loona's nuzzle.
« No. Bad Loona. We DO NOT rip children apart unless they are somehow evil. » Moxxie scolded the Hell Hound, still confused at Moxxie's bravado.
After recovering from the shock, Loona simply punched Moxxie right in the face, sending him flying towards Liyue.
Xxxxxxx
Meanwhile, at the Hazbin hotel, Moxxie found his head stuck in a wall, with the residents of the Hotel genuinely confused.
« Hello. » was all Moxxie said, before Shenhe darted forward and punched him back to Mondstadt.
« Jesus Christ, Shenhe, it was just Moxxie! » Angel exclaimed shocked.
« It was? » Shenhe asked mortified. « Do I have anger management issues? »
« You have PARANOIA management issues, white tits. » Husk shot back.
Xxxxxxx
Meanwhile, back in Mondstadt, Blitzo and Sucrose were having a game of Genius Invokation TCG, and by the looks of it, Blitzo had just won.
« WHOHO! UN-FUCKING-DEFEATED! » Blitzo shouted, before a yeeted Moxxie was sent on a collision course with Sucrose, the two shattering a nearby wall and crushing a nearby building.
« My ovaries…» was all Sucrose could utter.
Xxxxxxx
After a while, Sucrose was healed by several Barbatos nuns. Several knights and Jean herself had congregated in the scene to assets the damage.
Ganyu herself was in Mondstadt to apologize. « On behalf of Shenhe, I am so sorry for all of this damage! »
« Well at the very least she bothered to apologize. » Jean commented.
« Speaking of which, how did you even get here in Mondstadt so fast-» Blitzo asked, before a mass of tentacles grabbed Ganyu and dragged her in a portal in less than a second.
As all looked in fear at the scene, Diluc was about to open a bottle of wine and pour some of the liquid in a glass to hand it over to Jean. However, she just grabbed the whole bottle and started chugging it down.
« And this is why we need alcohol, sugar. » Millie told Diona.
« Whatever, I want a match with that pussycat. » Blitzo said annoyed.
« What did you just call me, little prick? » Diona asked angrily.
« …The OTHER pussycat. »
« I still can't believe you would address Prince in such a manner. » Shuyun complained.
« Whatever. We're STD players or whatever. Can I kick that cat's ass now? » Blitzo asked annoyed.
« Don't drag us into your shit, Blitzo. » Loona replied annoyed.
In response, Prince mewed.
« "Becoming a TCG player is not as simple as that. You cannot call yourselves true TCG players until you have passed the test." » Shuyun translated. « Sobering words from Prince there... But I'm afraid he's right. To become official players recognized by the Genius Invokation TCG Society, you have to pass the test. »
« Fetch quests…why does it have to be fetch quests…» Blitzo dreaded.
« Basically, to become an official and recognized TCG player, you have to best three opponents in a duel. » Shuyun explained.
« So you have to win three duels against three different opponents? » Sucrose asked.
« Surprised you recovered that quickly, honey. » Loona commented.
« It wasn't anything major…that being said Sister Barbara said my shoulder blade was trying to strangle me…» Sucrose noted.
Prince mewed once more.
« "The duel you just played can count towards this tally..." » Shuyun translated. « I agree. Although I didn't get to observe the match myself, I did listen along. And from what I could hear, you both performed at a rather high level. »
« One does not trust the words of lunatics. » Blitzo shot back.
« People are forced to listen to you quite a lot. » Diluc noted.
« Et tu, Diluc? »
« A well-trained ear is a basic skill expected of anyone hoping to become a TCG master. But back to the matter at hand — (Traveler) only needs to beat two more opponents to become an official TCG player. Sucrose, you may have lost the last duel, but don't be disheartened. I can assure you that winning three games is well within your ability. » Shuyun continued, before translating another meow from Prince. « "But first things first, Shuyun. Before that, our TCG newcomers should receive their free gift..." Ah yes, my goodness. Completely slipped my mind — I'm lucky to have Prince here to remind me. Everyone who wants to start playing Genius Invokation TCG is entitled to claim a free Casket of Tomes. »
« A what? » Blitzo asked confused.
« Oh, Timaeus mentioned it, didn't he? It was from the light novels he's been reading. The thing that the main character found in his attic... » Sucrose realized.
« Are we gonna get possessed by a giant ass crocodile? » Blitzo asked concerned.
« Heh, well... actually, all card cases in Genius Invokation TCG are called Caskets of Tomes. Not only do they provide a reliable and sturdy container to store your decks, they can also sense when other people in the area are also carrying a Casket of Tomes with them—» Shuyun explained.
« Let me guess, it involves some TGC possession shit….» Blitzo interrupted.
« That would mean an extraordinarily high number of people in history have been turned into disembodied souls as a consequence of playing card games... No, the real reason that it can sense other Caskets is because it holds a nifty little mechanism invented by Sumeru scholars...» Shuyun replied.
« Thank fuck! » Moxxie sighed in relief.
« Yeah, yeah, potato, potato, give me the cask or whatever. » Blitzo casually said.
In response, Prince mewed.
« All Caskets of Tomes are issued by Margaret, so you will need to see her to claim yours..."» Shuyun translated.
« God damn it! »
« Probably for the best. If Prince and I were responsible for handing them out, knowing how eager we both are to promote the game, we'd probably have dished them all out by now... » Shuyun noted. « Okay, so go and see Margaret to claim your Casket of Tomes, use it to find another player, beat them in a duel, and then come back here. »
« Just you wait, pussycat! I'm gonna FUCK. YOU. UP! » Blitzo replied, as he headed inside the city in search of Margaret.
« ….What am I watching? » an annoyed Jean asked.
« I don't know but I hate it….» Diluc added.
« Well, there's hoping he won't cause an explosion with a card game… » Jean sighed, before turning towards Diluc. « You free tonight? »
« My place or yours? »
« Yours. I also need a drink. »
« Bitchin'»
Xxxxxxx
After a while, Blitzo had returned to The Cat's Tail victorious. « I have returned, patrons of The Feline's Extension of the Spinal Column, bitchless but still victorious! »
« I sensed that you had what it took to become an official TCG player, but you have returned to the tavern more quickly than I had expected. » Shuyun translated Prince's meow. « "Defeat the opponent I have arranged for you, and you shall become an official TCG player. I look forward to watching this game immensely." »
« Bring forth thy opposition! For I shall penetrate their posterior with my boundless mental capabilities! » Blitzo replied.
« Can you stop it already? We don't need a second Fischl… » Moxxie complained.
« What ho, fellow voyager of the stellar void. Yes, even I was briefly discountenanced when I heard the tidings of your sworn oath to become the Thrice Victorious... But so be it! You who are enslaved by dueling desire, be released from your shackles into the glorious arena of gladiatorial combat! » a voice called the Imps. « Step forth, O brave challenger, your Prinzessin grants you an audience. Hmph, hearken well! The wretched clock chimes yet again, as the declining light of the day grows dimmer still...»
« And speak of the fucking devil…» Loona groaned annoyed, having recognized those voices.
« Who else but the Prinzessin? For as the name of this hallowed rite suggests, only when the wisest of heroes is summoned can the master of cards hope to be crowned the champion. » it was none other than Fischl and her trusted companion Oz.
« This path is a treacherous one... It must be tread with great caution, for eternal doom and damnation are but one wrong step away at any given moment. » she continued dramatically. « That is why none is more suited to appear in this audience chamber than the Prinzessin, whose Auge der Verurteilung des Großen Kaleidophantasmas has witnessed ten thousand battles across three thousand worlds. »
« Do I look like the fucking Fuhrer? OZ! TRANSLATE! » Blitzo exclaimed.
« Mein Fräulein has watched many games of Genius Invokation TCG, and has gained a solid grasp of the rules. Even in a duel between beginners, it is best that both participants are well-versed in them. » Oz replied.
« Huh. A newbie too, Adolf Fischlter? » Blitzo raised an eyebrow.
« Hmph, the Prinzessin needed but a single glance at these mere machinations of mankind to discern their working principles. Thus, with speed and brilliance paralleled by lightning alone do I now arrive here at the gateway to yonder circle of secrets... » Fischl replied.
« Mein Fräulein, too, has bested two opponents thus far, and is therefore one step away from becoming an official TCG player. » Oz added.
« Well ya better start for another fucker, edgetits! » Blitzo shot back.
« Hmph! The Prinzessin herself heeds the call of fate and descends to this realm from the Immernachtreich, yet still you dare to doubt the inevitability of the inevitable. Your stubborn foolishness is contemptible. » Fischl replied.
« Mein Fräulein, I implore you to consider less odious turns of phrase, lest you be forced to feast on your words in the fullness of time. » Oz said.
« In short, shut the fuck and play. » Blitzo added, lightening a cigar and putting up a pair of sunglasses.
« Then I say it is time to see what you are made of! » Fischl replied.
Xxxxxxx
Five minutes later, Blitzo had emerged victorious from the match.
« And THAT is how you whoop a princess ass! » Blitzo exclaimed.
« Impossible... Ugh, the cursed dragon looms near once more, casting its dark shadow on the slender threads of fate, hiding them from my vision...» was all Fischl could say. « Daemon… Was even this part of your plan? »
« Cope and seethe! » Blitzo replied.
« Hmph. It seems I am forced to admit, fellow voyager of the stellar void, that your... mastery of the cards is second to none. » Fischl gave Blitzo a card portraying herself. « To commemorate your glorious ascent to a battlefield beyond this lowly mortal realm, I grant thee an incarnation of my majesty in miniature. As you embark on this ingenious vocation, may you wield it in battle against all your fated foes, that not a single one of them may be left standing. »
« Mein Fräulein wishes to give you a Mein Fräulein Character Card. » Oz translated.
« Come to think about it, why the fuck are all these people we know part of the deck? Shouldn't there some privacy issues involved? » Moxxie asked confused.
« 'Tis one of the biggest mysteries of the land…» Oz replied.
« No matter. Hey pussycat! I beat the Interdimensional Princess! Get ready to get your ass kicked to the Fourth Dimension! »
« So you won the duel in the end. Congratulations, you are now officially recognized members of the Genius Invokation TCG community, may the Seven have mercy on our souls…» Shuyun "congratulated" the Imp, before translating more cat speech. « "Very well done. Now, I will explain to you what becoming an official TCG player entails. The first thing all new official TCG players receive is their TCG Player's Handbook. This handbook tells you exactly what you need to do to become a top-tier TCG player. Make sure you read it. Secondly, a range of Genius Invokation merchandise is now available to you for purchase here at The Cat's Tail. Hehe, so you see, becoming an official TCG player is really just the first step. And thirdly, whenever you wish to play a game with a friend, you can use the Invitation Board there. Whoever you wish to duel against, simply invite them to the tavern for a game." »
« Okay, that's cool and all, but can we play already? » an annoyed Blitzo shot back.
« "If I must…." » Shuyun sighed, as he translated an annoyed Prince meow.
Xxxxxxx
Five minutes later, Sucrose had entered the building.
« Shuyun! I've beaten two opponents myself! You know of any-» she said, before noticing Prince having utterly humiliated Blitzo, a clearly not amused look on the latter's face.
« "Seems to be you got your ass whooped." » Shuyun translated.
« You got beaten by a CAT! » Moxxie could not hold his laughter.
« ALMOST defeated, my tiny dicked friend! » Blitzo shot back. « For you see, my incompetent friends, I possess yet one ability that shall grant me victory in this match! »
« "And what would that be, Imp?" » Shuyun translated.
« Punch! » Blitzo replied.
« ….Punch? » Shuyun asked confused.
As he asked that, Blitzo leaned forward with a derpy look on his face. « H.» he then said, as he pulled out a small radio, which started playing Bella Notte by Lady and the Tramp
« Oh dear…» Shuyun understood what he meant perfectly.
Xxxxxxx
As Blitzo begun to beat the everliving shit out of Shuyun and Prince, chairs and tables went flying outside The Cat's Tail, one of them hitting a wandering Kaeya right in the face, the latter letting out muffled screams of agony.
Bottles and glasses also went flying, and not even Diona was spared from the Imp's fury as she became the first member of the Mondstadt's Space Program.
Jean will probably have to deal with this at some point, but as we speak, she's probably busy….and for once not with work.
Xxxxxxx
Beginning of the new Mondstadt Arc.
Many thanks to Inanna for many of the suggestions for this chapter.
I hope you enjoy this new chapter! Please review so I can know your opinion. I'm willing to accept suggestions for what is going to happen, so stay tuned! Also, remember to like and follow, if you want!
See you to the next update!