« Wait, wait! It gets better! » at the Cat's Tail, Blitzo was on a table alongside the rest of the Imps, Vikki, Mark and Houdini. « When the alchemist woke up, the peak of Dragonspine was missing, and the Imp was never saw or heard from again! »
Blitzo broke down laughing at the tale, followed by the three Hellhounds. « Anyway, that's how me and the gang were locked in solitary confinement for a month…»
« Man, I ain't planning to piss off the boss any day after that. » Houdini commented.
« Should had gone freelance, buddy! » Blitzo replied.
« Ignoring the….painful times we blew up Dragonspine multiple times, I see that you guys finally have your suits of armour! » Moxxie commented.
« Hell yeah! The best part of being a fucking knight! » Vikki replied.
« But you know what's even better than getting our suits of armour? » Mark remarked.
« What? » Millie asked.
« No fucking cats! » Mark exclaimed. « Man, those fuckers were a pain in the ass! »
« I mean, there's the most annoying one still…» Loona commented, pointing at Diona.
« Screw you, doggy! Ugh, I really don't understand why you adults love to drink so much. » Diona complained.
« Because all the drinks you make are so delicious! All it takes is just one sip and they're hooked. » Margaret replied.
« Hmph, and I thought self-control was the most important quality of being an adult. » Diona remarked.
« Well, it just so happens that self-control often falls by the wayside when someone's enjoying one of your delicious specialty drinks! » Margaret replied.
« All that means is that they're nothin' but a bunch of drunkards that don't know when to stop... » Diona pouted.
« Cope and seethe, pussycat! » Blitzo pinched her cheek mockingly.
« I specifically told you not to call me that. » Diona shot back angrily.
« Anyway, you got anything special? The last drinks were a bit basic, if you ask me…» Vikki commented.
« I just don't get why everyone is so obsessed with alcohol. What's so good about it anyway? » Diona sighed.
« Kiddo, without alcohol, I wouldn't have HALF of the entertainment I have everyday! » Blitzo replied, before filming a man outside of the Cat's Tail, drunk beyond belief.
« Besides, we should always do our best to satisfy the customers' needs. » Margaret added. « Consider this the tavern management's request. »
« Ugh, oh alright! So a bunch of special cocktails is all I need to make, right? Fine, since you seem to like alcohol so much, I'll make you something that'll crush whatever dreams you've had about the stuff. That way, maybe you won't become another one of those annoying and smelly old drunks...» Diona replied. « Though we do have some drink base and flavouring ingredients left, since you're looking for a special drink, I'm willing to put in the effort and search for some special ingredients. But considering the time, I can only make either the drink's base or flavouring more special. So... what'll it be? The drink's base or flavouring to be more unique? Hmm? »
« I dunno, I guess you can try to make the base more unique? So far, it was pretty fucking basic. » Vikki shrugged.
« A drink with a special base, huh? Hm, looks like you already possess plenty of potential to become a roaring drunkard. I'm gonna have to really knock some sense into you with this one. » Diona replied. « I'll be right back! »
And so, Diona headed out.
However, Blitzo was slightly suspicious. « …I don't know why, but there's something…off about that pussycat….»
« What do you mean? » Vikki asked.
« I don't know why, but it almost feels like she's going to start some shit. » Blitzo got up, and handed the hellhounds a coin bag. « Here. It's on me. »
Xxxxxxx
And so, the Imps exited the Cat's Tail, and noticed Diona, next to a barrel of wine.
« Why would you look at that! A nice barrel of wine. » Diona exclaimed, before walking towards it with malicious intent. « Would be a shame if something bad happened to it. »
« …Oh HELL NO! » Blitzo exclaimed, as he lunged forward and tackled the small child.
« Hey! Let me go! » Diona protested.
« Only if you swear on your ass that you won't damage daddy's Diluc wine. That shit produces MUNEH! » Blitzo replied.
« Why do you call him like that!? He's not your dad! » Diona shot back.
« Look, if you cause more damage to the alcohol industry, you little shit, I'm gonna have the big bad Radio Demon MASS PRODUCE YOU! » Blitzo threatened Diona.
« It's bad enough with all those smelly drunkyards around, I won't have you lunatics become drunkyards as well! » Diona protested, before biting Blitzo's hand, causing him to scream like Peppino and allowing her to escape.
« Sir! What the fuck was that!? » Moxxie protested.
« FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH THE JUVENILE! » Blitzo shouted dramatically, as Loona darted forward to turn Diona into a chew toy.
Diona raced in the streets of Mondstadt, before hiding in a corner, picking the lid of a garbage bin, and slamming it right on Loona's face.
Taking that opportunity, Diona raced off, only to hide in a dark alleyway as Moxxie went to look for her. « Diona? Diona, where are you? We are not gonna hurt you! »
Coming out of nowhere, Diona emerged with a stick and struck Moxxie on the tail, causing him to let out a Tom scream, as she raced off.
But as she ran off, she was chased by an angry Blitzo. In order to escape him, she climbed on the walls and dived at the lake, followed en suite by Blitzo.
However, seconds after coming out of the water, she froze the portion of the lake she was in, so when Blitzo dived in, he essentially turned into an accordion.
As she continued to run, she noticed a swing with some flowers, and she also noticed Millie chasing after her. Without thinking twice, she put a flower pot on the swing, and swung it towards Millie, who was struck at such strength that she did a flip.
However, Diona looked in horror as Loona raced towards her like a feral dog, and as a last resort, the little girl hid in a bush, only for the hellhound to rip and tear it apart. After all of that, she grabbed her with her jaws, and slammed her on the ground, growling angrily.
But as she did, she soon realized that what she grabbed wasn't Diona, but a doll looking like her.
« Hello, doggy~» Diona said, as she was standing near a massive structure resembling a catapult, used by the Imps to cause maximum pain on passing Hilichurls.
Given that Loona was standing on an X, you can all see where this is going.
« …Oh shit…» was all Loona said, as Diona let the mechanism loose, which struck the hellhound dead on. With Loona now having been flattened like a pancake, Diona walked towards the X, and grimaced childishly at the hellhound, before racing off.
The rest of the gang crawled in pain towards Loona, letting her go from her predicament.
« Ya doin' good, Looney? » Blitzo asked.
« I feel like I left my spinal column at home… » Loona replied.
« You wouldn't happen to have seen where Diona went, right? » Moxxie asked.
« Too busy being a pancake…» Loona replied.
« Oh, you're looking for Diona, Imps? » a casually passing Amber asked.
« Yeah, we're trying to stra-» Blitzo begun, before being interrupted by Moxxie.
« Sorry, he had a bit of brain damage. » Moxxie explained.
« What happened to you guys? » Amber asked concerned.
« Diona fucking happened. » Loona replied angrily.
« …Anyway, she was heading towards Diluc's winery. Said she was looking for ingredients…» Amber replied.
« AND YOU DIDN'T FUCKING STOP HER!?» Blitzo shouted angrily as he grabbed her by the collar.
« Why? She's probably just looking for ingredients for drinks at the Cat's Tail. I mean, she hates alcohol, but she sure can come up with some good stuff! » Amber replied.
In response to this, Blitzo turned pale. « THE MUNEH! »
After shouting that, he raced towards the path to Diluc's Winery at such speed that reality seemed to warp around, the sheer insanity of the plot of this Fanfiction causing reality to collapse onto itself, and countless Hilichurls, Slimes, Abyss Mages, Treasure Hoarders and Fatuis that were in the way were sent to the stratosphere from the impact of Blitzo running.
In a fraction of a second, he reached the winery, bursting the door of the manor and shouting « DILUIC, WE GOT A PUSSY PROBLEM! »
However, what he saw was Diluc on the floor, having been struck by a Liyuean man sent flying at mock speed.
« …We'll come back later…» was all Blitzo said, as he slowly closed the door.
« My ovaries… » the two me replied in unison.
Xxxxxxx
« There you are, boss! What the fuck was that!?» Moxxie exclaimed shocked, commenting on the speed Blitzo achieved.
« You don't understand, Moxxie! If she fucks Diluc's industries, we lose a shit-ton of money! » Blitzo exclaimed.
« She's just a child! If anything, we should look for her so she doesn't get hurt! » Moxxie shot back.
« Alongside breaking her fucking spine! » Loona shouted angrily.
« We're NOT breaking a child's spine! » Millie shot back.
« Exactly! » Moxxie added.
« Oh, all right. We'll just hand her to Jean so she can stay in solitary confinement or some shit…» Blitzo shrugged.
« For what? Not liking alcohol? » Moxxie asked with a deadpan expression. « If anything, she's trying to make sure that the alcohol industry doesn't enslave the people of Mondstadt to the knights. »
« Oh, yeah. Sure. REAL Khmer Rouge regime we have here. » Blitzo commented sarcastically. « Say, what was that thing that Margaret requested from the fucking Acting Grandmaster herself? »
« Not all dictatorships need to commit crimes against humanity to keep the populace in check. Sometimes turning them incompetents also work. » Moxxie replied.
« Dude, you're blaming malice for what can be attributed to stupidity. » Loona replied.
The whole group looked at her surprised for the depth of her phrase. « …What? I can be deep too! »
« You're lucky you're my daughter, otherwise that's a free sexual innuendo, and you know it. » Blitzo replied with a deadpan expression.
« I mean, what isn't these days? » Loona shrugged.
« Let's just go look for her. » Moxxie said.
« Question is, shouldn't she have been here already? Since we're already here and she had a head start and all that…» Millie asked.
« Welp. She's dead! » Blitzo exclaimed with a deadpan expression.
« Actually…we know where she went…» a man approached the Imps.
« Really? Ya know where the little shit went? » Loona asked.
« Yeah, my name is Allan. I'm part of the hunting team that Draff leads. » the man, Allan, replied.
« Oh yeah! We do shit for the guy from time to time! How's the fucker? » Blitzo asked.
« I'm afraid that Draff... Well h—he rushed into Dadaupa Crater by himself! » Allan replied.
« …Why? » Moxxie asked.
« You see, Draff brought us hunting in the area nearby... Thanks to him, the hunt went really well and we managed to catch lots of game. After the hunt, we stopped to rest for a bit before we'd head back to Springvale. So we started a bonfire, got some barbeque going, and well... had a little to drink. Honest! We only drank a little, you know, just to celebrate the hunt. But after a few drinks, Draff started saying that he wanted to go get something from a hilichurl tribe in the depths of Dadaupa Crater. » Allan explained. « He refused to let any of us accompany him. Instead, he kept saying that he's a descendant of the Kätzlein bloodline and that he could come and go as he pleases in a place like this. Before we could say anything, he rushed out by himself. There's no way we could stop him. I had a hunter who's quick on his feet run back to Springvale to find help, and sent a few veteran hunters into the gorge to look for Draff, but then Diona arrived and decided to go herself! She's in danger! »
« I mean, there's hopin'…» Blitzo shrugged.
« NO! » Allan shouted angrily.
« Don't worry, we're actually looking for her. We'll bring her and Draff home safely. » Moxxie replied.
« Oh thank Barbatos, thank you so much, Imps! Of course, there will be monetary compensation. » Allan thanked the group.
« Well, at least the day won't be fucking miserable….» Blitzo shrugged.
Xxxxxxx
Racing and dashing around Dadaupa's crater, the group finally reached Diona and a completely drunk Draff.
« There you are, fucktards! » Blitzo exclaimed.
« …Oh no…» a terrified Diona said, as she perfectly knew what was about to happen.
« Indeed! Only God can hear your screams now! » Blitzo declared, as he walked towards the little girl, only for him to be grabbed by the neck by Draff.
« Let us see what breaks first. Your spirit, or your body. » an angry (and surprisingly sober) Draff declared.
« I thought you were drunk…» a choking Blitzo said.
« Bastards attempting to hurt my little girl sober me up REAL good. » Draff declared, as he lift Blitzo up, before slamming the demon's back on his leg.
Unfortunately for Draff, instead of the Imp's back breaking, it was his femur that was shattered.
« Dude, I fistfuck dragons for a living, what made ya think you could break my spine? » Blitzo asked with a deadpan expression.
« …Surprisingly, it doesn't hurt. I think perhaps I had a few drinks too many….» Draff commented.
« Hold on. You sure as fuck can't walk now. I'll just call our medic. » Moxxie said, as he made a phone call.
Xxxxxxx
Inside of the Imps residence, Bennet and Anna were banging each other like rabbits, and Mona just stood there…pleasuring herself, as the residence's phone rang.
« Immediate Murder Professionals, wanna join the fun times here? ~ » Mona responded the call.
« Mona? What the hell is going on there? » Moxxie asked.
« Yeah, Bennet and Anna are at it. The guy says he's unlucky, but I think I know where all his luck went~» Mona replied.
« …How big is it? » Blitzo asked.
« Big, all right… » Anna replied offscreen.
« …Fuck, I knew I shouldn't had called him "boy"…» Blitzo cursed. « By the way, after he's done reshaping her uterus, tell Anna we need her to fix a man's leg. Like, a legitimate leg, with bones and all that shit. Not the middle third one. Ya got what I said. »
« Got it~» Mona replied.
« By the way, how's Emergency Food number one? » Blitzo asked.
« Oh, she's fine, all right~» Mona replied.
In truth, Paimon was outside the building with a traumatized look on her face. « Never. Has Paimon felt so violated….»
Xxxxxxx
After a while, the group finally returned to the Cat's Tail.
« Where the hell were you? We got worried, ya know? » Houdini asked.
« It's…kinda a long story…» Blitzo replied.
« Had to catch Diona, then we had to save her and her dad, her dad had his leg broken, our doc had to heal him. Surprisingly all of that took less time than teaching Diona here about the Bird and the Bee. » Moxxie explained.
« Well, I get the gist of it. Looks like Klee is gonna have a baby sister! » Diona commented.
« Yeah, Diluc and Jean are totally fucking…» Blitzo smirked.
« Anyway, as an apology for the wait, and as a mean to discourage you lot from ever entering a tavern, I offer you this cocktail! » Diona declared, as she handed the three hellhounds a drink each.
« Meh. All is forgiven! » Vikki replied, as she drank the cocktail, only for her pupils to open wide, followed en suite by Mark and Houdini.
Xxxxxxx
The three Hellhounds found themselves trapped in a bamboo cage.
« Wha-what the hell? » Vikki asked confused.
« I like this phone. That's a nice fucking phone. » a man with a mohawk said, sitting outside of the cage.
« …This is gonna be a fucking acid adventure, isn't it? » Vikki sighed.
Xxxxxxx
Many thanks to Inanna for many of the suggestions for this chapter.
I hope you enjoy this new chapter! Please review so I can know your opinion. I'm willing to accept suggestions for what is going to happen, so stay tuned! Also, remember to like and follow, if you want!
See you to the next update!