This is the second idea I had for this episode.

Episode: 20x03 ("Zero Tolerance") Take 2

Genre: Hurt/comfort/angst

Rating: T

They are stuck inside her head and she can't get them out; the faces of every single child she had seen in that detention center permanently tattooed on Olivia's brain, the joy and relief at reuniting Gabriella with her mother diluted in the face of such immense and prolonged suffering by those so young and helpless.

She doesn't utter a word to anyone as she climbs the steps to the precinct and heads into the elevator, keeping her gaze straight ahead and determined not to make eye contact with a single person for fear of breaking down if she so much as glances at a sympathetic face. All Olivia wants to do is go home to Noah and grab him in a bear hug and never let go, but there is still work to be done and she must do everything she can to make it through the remainder of the day without crumbling into a heap of despair.

Her sergeant and detectives are all working diligently at their desks when she enters the squad room, heads bent low and eyes fixed intently on their computer screens, and she breathes a sigh of relief when she slips past them unnoticed and strides quickly into her office. She can feel them coming; the tears that she has tried so hard to suppress rising to the surface to pool in her eyes and she blinks them away impatiently, swallowing rough against the sob that is pushing upwards in her throat, insistent on bursting forth from her lips and drawing unwanted attention to herself.

Olivia puts a hand over her mouth to quell any sound that might try to escape, her eyes squeezing tightly shut to hold in the impending tears and gasping in surprise at the sudden knock on her door. Her eyelids fly open when she spots Amanda coming into the room without even waiting for a response, Olivia frantically smoothing her features into a blank mask and trying to compose herself to the point that she is no longer shaking.

It's immediately apparent that she hasn't done an adequate job when Amanda stops short in her tracks and fixes Olivia with a concerned gaze, a waterfall of blonde hair falling over one shoulder as she tilts her head and they regard each other intently. A frown is marring the younger woman's delicate features as she takes a tentative step forward and lays both hands flat on the desk, bending over so they are eye to eye with one another.

"I'm guessing I should have waited for an answer after I knocked," is the only thing that comes out of Amanda's mouth, Olivia rolling her eyes in return and a hint of amusement peeking out through her emotional turmoil.

"You never have before so why start now?" she shoots back in an attempt at a lighthearted answer, but wincing internally when her voice shudders and betrays her. "Can I do something for you, Rollins?"

"It must have been really hard to do what you just did," Amanda acknowledges softly, completely ignoring the question Olivia has just asked. "I can't imagine what it must have been like to see so many kids in those kinds of conditions."

"Gabriella and her mother were reunited, so that's the most important thing," Olivia says with what she hopes sounds like confidence, but again the tremor in her tone gives her away.

"It is very important," Amanda agrees quietly, sliding her hand across the top of the desk so their fingertips are just barely grazing each other, Olivia oddly touched by this small, kind gesture from a woman who is not big on physical affection, and she finds herself blinking away tears once more.

"But I know there were a lot of other kids who won't be reunited with their parents for a very long time, or maybe they never will," Amanda continues gently, her other hand drifting to her slightly protruding belly and rubbing circles there as she speaks, as if the action is so ingrained that it just comes naturally to her now.

Olivia nods mutely, her lips clamping shut before a sob can escape, unable to verbally reply for fear of another sound coming out instead; a long, agonizing wail of horror and defeat for the children that she cannot save. The fingers that are scarcely touching her own push a little bit harder until Amanda's entire palm is slipping over her hand and lying flat against her clammy skin, the other woman's touch a warm balm that guards against the chill she cannot seem to shake.

Olivia realizes that she is shivering extremely hard now, unsure if the movement is due to being out in the cool autumn air or if it's from the heartbreaking images that won't stop cycling through her head, and she can hear the chattering of her own teeth, her jaw stiff and painful with the repeated action. She stares uncomprehendingly at Amanda when she sees the younger woman's lips moving, a frown that matches the one her detective is wearing pulling her own eyebrows together as she tries to make out what Amanda is saying.

"Maybe you need to go home, Liv." She finally recognizes the words that are coming out of Amanda's mouth and shakes her head in dissent, a scathing retort right on the tip of her tongue when the blonde surprises her by swiftly rounding the desk and turning her chair around.

"What the hell are you doing?" Olivia manages to utter, her eyebrows raising when the detective kneels down on the floor in front of her, pale hands clutching onto the armrests to balance herself as she rocks back on her heels and those steely blue eyes stare upwards.

"You don't look well," Amanda replies sternly, her thumbs stroking in pleasant patterns along Olivia's forearms that are resting next to her hands. "You look like you're about to pass out. You're as white as a ghost and you're shaking like crazy; you're sweating and freezing at the same time."

"I don't need to go home," Olivia scoffs in irritation, blinking as a wave of dizziness overtakes her. "I'm probably just coming down with a cold or something. I'll be fine."

"You're not getting sick but you're not fine either, Liv." Amanda's voice is firm and insistent when she speaks, the smaller woman rising up on her knees so they are gazing at each other face to face again. "I think this whole case is hitting you really hard and you need to go easy on yourself right now. Just give yourself a break, okay?"

"I'm not going home, Amanda," Olivia snaps in response, trying to sound authoritative but her voice cracking and coming out in a high-pitched whine instead, like she is actually complaining about having to take care of herself. "We have far too much work to finish here. I'm too busy to leave right now."

"Then at least go lie down on the couch," Amanda persists as her hands grip onto Olivia's arms with a strength that has her wincing again. "Seriously, Liv, you look like you're about to fall flat on the floor. You're scaring me."

Olivia inhales a shuddering breath as she tries to calm the tremors that seem to have taken over her entire body, nodding in agreement at Amanda's order and shifting forward on the chair with the intention of getting to her feet and walking over to the couch. Her limbs seem to have other ideas, though, and she slips while trying to stand up, horrified when she goes sprawling clumsily into her detective's lap instead.

"Jesus, are you alright?!" Amanda gasps out breathlessly as Olivia feels slim but strong arms winding their way around her back in an effort to hold her up, but rather than doing everything she can to pull away and struggle into a standing position, she crumples limply into the blonde's embrace, a low keening making its way out from between her clenched teeth.

Her face is instantly awash in the tears that she has so desperately been trying to hold back, burying her face in Amanda's soft golden locks and sniffling hard as she works to get herself under control. "I'm sorry," she whimpers in mortification, the act of merely forming words seeming like too difficult of a task right now. "I'll get up. I don't want to hurt you."

"You're not hurting me at all," Amanda murmurs back, Olivia feeling the other woman's arms tightening around her and holding her in place when she tries to pull away. "Just take all the time you need."

"But you're pregnant," Olivia protests meekly, her limbs turning to jelly as the tears continue to flow in a waterfall of emotion over her cheeks and the images of those children play in an unending loop inside her head.

"Exactly," Amanda states with what sounds like both annoyance and mirth. "I'm just pregnant, Liv. I'm not injured or ill. I'm not going to fall apart because you need someone to hold you up. You're fine right where you are and you're not hurting me, I promise. I'm not going to break. Just relax for a minute, okay?"

"A lieutenant shouldn't be sitting in her detective's lap on her office floor," Olivia mutters as a dark red blush of embarrassment colors her cheeks and her heart begins to pound at the odd and intimate position they are in. "It's beyond inappropriate."

"Well, it's better than you taking a header onto the hard tiles because you passed out before you could make it over to the couch," Amanda argues lightly, Olivia feeling her head being pressed tenderly into a slim shoulder and a smooth hand petting over her hair. "Just take it easy, alright? It's just you and me in here. And no one else can see us because we're behind the desk."

"That's even worse," Olivia groans out in frustration as she chokes back another series of sobs, not wanting anyone to get the wrong idea. "If someone saw you come in here and then they don't see either one of us...

"Then we could have gone into the interrogation room for some reason," Amanda assures her in a softer tone, a slight rocking motion starting up and Olivia's sore eyelids drifting shut with the movement. "And if someone does happen to come in and see us sitting here like this, who the hell cares?"

"I care," Olivia disputes weakly, although the urge to fight is quickly draining from her system, her tired body slumping more heavily against Amanda's as the tears continue to leak from her closed eyes. "A lieutenant isn't supposed to be bawling on the ground like a child."

"Will you just stop with all of this talk about what a lieutenant shouldn't be doing and let yourself go for a minute without caring what anyone else thinks?" Amanda chastises gently, her fingers lightly massaging the nape of Olivia's neck as she cries. "You're a human being, Liv. You don't have to be in perfect control or well behaved all the time. When I walked in here, you looked absolutely devastated. This case has been terrible and it's taken a toll on all of us, and the place you went today was the equivalent of hell, I'm sure. Just take a minute and let it all out, honey, please."

Olivia softens completely at this plea, sagging entirely into Amanda's body until the two of them have practically merged into one person, sobbing as quietly as she can into the smaller woman's shoulder while Amanda continues to rock her soothingly. She does what Amanda had suggested and fully lets loose with her grief, raging at the unfairness and inhumanity of it all; that the youngest members of society are the ones who have to suffer the most for something they didn't do.

Amanda simply holds her through the breakdown, Olivia certain that she can hear quiet whimpers emitting from her lips from time to time, and she knows how much this case has impacted her detective as well, especially while she is dealing with an unexpected pregnancy and trying to make an extremely difficult decision about what to do. Amanda had greatly impressed her as she had dealt so compassionately and delicately with Gabriella, even going so far as to offer to take the little girl home with her, Olivia's heart breaking even further as she recalls the look of anguish on Amanda's face when she had to say no.

This case has been horrific for the entire squad and she knows that it will take some time to get over what has happened, her arms tightening around Amanda's small frame to impart some of her own comfort to the woman who is so patiently tending to her needs while she shatters to pieces. Despite her extreme embarrassment with the situation, Olivia is thankful that her detective had walked into the office at just the right time, and privately admits that she would rather have Amanda in here with her than any other member of their team.

For several minutes, they simply hold onto each other and cry quietly, any lingering embarrassment falling away as Olivia allows herself to take solace in someone who is becoming more important to her as the years pass; a woman she has grown closer to bit by bit over time, relishing in the comfort that Amanda is providing. She strokes the detective's hair in return as they rock slowly in one another's arms, eager to soothe Amanda as well, and wishing she could take away the pain and uncertainty that she has been entrenched in lately.

Olivia is so lost in the hypnotizing motion and the other woman's tender touches, that she startles violently when her cell phones begins ringing shrilly on the desk above them, flinching on Amanda's lap and sliding to the ground while shooting her a sheepish look. She sees Lucy's name on the screen as she struggles to her feet and figures Noah has just gotten home from school and wants to share his day with her, smoothing her fingers across her cheeks and under her eyes to rid herself of any remaining tears.

"Hello?" Olivia says into the phone, her heart bursting with joy when Noah answers instead of Lucy, the little boy brimming with enthusiasm as he immediately launches into an account of his day at school, and Amanda stands up beside her.

The combination of her son's cheerful voice and her detective's warm hand resting on her back has the tears drying on her cheeks and a tinge of optimism settling in her chest; the knowledge that although this world can be a terrible, unjust place, there is still room for happiness and hope.

"Thank you," Olivia mouths to Amanda, chuckling as Noah rambles on about his day, pausing in his running monologue just long enough to gulp in a deep breath and ask what they're having for dinner tonight.

Amanda smiles softly in return and gives her a brief nod before slipping out of the office to rejoin Fin and Carisi in the squad room, Olivia watching her go and a smile of her own touching her lips.