I didn't write a one-shot for every episode of the 20th season, as some of them didn't inspire any ideas. I skipped "Revenge" (episode 4) but wrote two chapters for episode 5.

This is the first chapter for that episode. There are trigger warnings for discussions of domestic violence and child abuse so please take this into consideration before reading, if these subject matters are triggering for you. I'm debating whether or not to post the second chapter I wrote for that episode, as I have mixed feelings about it.

A lot of these chapters are pretty angsty, but there are a few lighthearted/romantic ones coming up.

Episode: 20x05 ("Accredo")

Genre: Hurt/comfort/angst

Rating: T

The inside of the vehicle is very quiet on the way back from Westchester, a light rain splattering the windshield as Olivia drives and Amanda's face is turned toward the window on the passenger side, the younger woman sighing softly. Arlo Beck is back in police custody and although Olivia is satisfied and relieved with this outcome, she is a mess of conflicting emotions when it concerns the detective sitting next to her.

She can admit to herself that she doesn't quite know how to handle Amanda and that maybe she never has; Olivia's feelings for the feisty blonde all over the place and at a loss on exactly what to do about them. She feels confused and somewhat helpless in the face of the intense anger and bad behavior that Amanda has been displaying lately, and wonders if she should have suspended her as punishment. There is also a strong urge to dig deeper and get to the root of these issues; to push Amanda to keep opening up about a childhood that is rarely spoken of and continue to show her support by listening and being compassionate instead of just using discipline.

Olivia throws a glance at the other woman and notices Amanda's hands resting on her protruding stomach, fingers rubbing absent circles into the fabric of her shirt, and although she had told the truth about being happy for her detective, there is a disturbing jealously that is intertwined with the joy. It's not an emotion she is used to having and is something that leaves her feeling vaguely ashamed of herself, Olivia's thoughts wandering as she wonders what kind of a person this doctor is and how Amanda had become involved with him.

Her heart aches when she recalls the comments Amanda had made on the subject of love, and has to admit that she doesn't know much about it either; that although Noah has taught her how to love more deeply than she ever knew possible, she is an utter failure in the romantic sense. There is a disconcerting hint of relief peeking through the sorrow, however; a certain satisfaction that Amanda is not in love with this man, and Olivia doesn't dare examine these feelings too closely, afraid of what they might mean.

There are so many complex emotions swirling around inside her head that she is no longer paying complete attention to the road, Olivia suddenly slamming on the breaks in a panic to avoid hitting the car in front of them, and her arm shooting out to shield Amanda from any potential harm.

"Geez, Liv, are you okay?" the younger woman gasps out in surprise as they both spring forward in their seats and then jolt back again. "What the hell was that?"

"The road's slippery from the rain," Olivia mutters guiltily, chastising herself for letting her concentration drift away from where it's supposed to be. "Sorry about that." She pauses briefly and clears her throat, unable to hold in her concern anymore and searching for a place to safely pull over. "Look, Amanda, we need to talk."

"About what?" Amanda's voice is wary and unwelcoming, as if she has an inkling of where this conversation is going and is uninterested in taking it any further. "Didn't we just talk before we got in the car?"

"This isn't about you going on desk duty," Olivia says gently, maneuvering the SUV off of the main road and pulling into an abandoned parking lot. "I want to discuss what happened in the interrogation room."

"Didn't we already talk about that too?" There is a trace of alarm evident beneath the wariness, Amanda's eyes darting from side to side as they come to a stop, as if the blonde is contemplating a possible escape. "You told me that my behavior was unacceptable."

"Yes, it was," Olivia replies quietly, laying a hand on Amanda's forearm and trying to calm any anxiety that she might be feeling about this particular topic. "And quite frankly, I think I should have punished you for it instead of just reprimanding you. But I appreciated you being so open about your past with me and trying to give me some insight into why things are the way they are."

"Why things are the way they are?" Amanda echoes with a tilt of her head and a puckered brow, long blonde ponytail falling over one shoulder as they regard each other intently. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I think we have a problem here," Olivia explains softly, keeping her hand on Amanda's arm and feeling a slight tremble underneath her touch. "I've been noticing a pattern of behavior with you over the past several months that has me worried. Your increasing aggression with both perpetrators and victims alike is cause for concern, and I think something needs to be done about it."

"Like what?" Amanda murmurs almost inaudibly after several seconds of silence, Olivia flinching when the detective yanks her arm away and instantly missing the physical connection.

"Well, for starters, I think it would help if you talked more about what happened when you were growing up," she answers kindly, not wanting Amanda to think this is some sort of personal attack and retreat into her usual shell.

"Are you moonlighting as a therapist now, Liv?" the younger woman scowls in return, crossing her arms over her chest as a mixture of annoyance and trepidation plays out across her face. "You're not busy enough as a lieutenant? I think we've already established that my childhood was fucked up and I bear the scars from being raised by a drunken, gambling-addicted father who did nothing but beat us up, and a mother who wouldn't fight back or take her kids out of that situation."

Olivia is quiet for a moment as she digests the information that Amanda has just shared, observing the stricken expression on her detective's face when Amanda seems to come to the realization that she has said too much. They gaze at one another without speaking, Olivia's heart clenching as she watches Amanda's delicate features twist with emotion and those big blue eyes well up with tears, the smaller woman blinking rapidly to keep them at bay.

"He hurt you and your sister too?" she finally whispers, Amanda giving a tiny nod of affirmation and an offhanded shrug in return, like she is about to downplay the events of her past in order to avoid a breakdown. "I'm so sorry, honey."

"It just makes me so angry when people do stuff like that," Amanda chokes out in a strangled tone that Olivia can barely comprehend, leaning her body to the side so she can close the gap between them and hear her better. "When a person chooses to hurt someone else, either directly or indirectly, whether it be physically, emotionally, or..."

Her voice trails off and she turns her head toward the window with a sniffle and a hunch of her shoulders, Olivia reaching out to lays a tentative hand on her back. She can feel how hard the other woman is shaking and seeks to soothe her, running smooth fingertips around Amanda's trench coat before stroking her hand over golden hair that is still damp from the rain.

"Sometimes I just get so sick of the people we have to deal with on a daily basis," the younger woman continues, her words somewhat muffled as she rests her forehead against the window. "They remind me of everyone from my childhood, either making the choice to hurt someone smaller, weaker, more vulnerable than themselves...or turning a blind eye to those who do."

"I get it," Olivia assures her softly, the rain splattering harder against the windshield now and the sky growing blacker, creating a dark cocoon of tension and sadness inside the vehicle. "I understand that urge to take your anger out on the people who hurt others; the perpetrators who beat and rape and kill, as well as the ones who choose to help them or stand by passively while they do terrible things. I've been in your position before, where I haven't been able to control that rage bubbling inside and it needs to come out. But this isn't okay, Amanda. When we allow our anger to get the best of us, we're no better than the perps sitting on the opposite side of the table in the interrogation room. We need to get you some help for this."

"I don't need help," she hears Amanda mumble, the blonde's face still turned away and a note of defensiveness creeping into her tone. "I know I've been out of line a few times over the past while, but I can stop, Liv. I can control myself, I can do better. I will do better, I swear."

"Amanda, I know you're not a big fan of therapy and it's hard for you to open up about a lot of things, but this isn't just about your escalating aggression," Olivia points out gently, wishing the other woman would stop hiding from her and scratching her nails softly against Amanda's back in an effort to re-establish eye contact. "It's about dealing with events from your past that have never been dealt with. The pain that you're constantly pushing down is starting to trickle out in unacceptable ways and it's only going to get worse if you don't confront it head-on."

She huffs out a disconcerted sigh when Amanda keeps her face averted, the younger woman shifting as far away on the seat as she can get without actually opening the door and fleeing the SUV, burying herself against the window. The softest of whimpers pierces the air and Olivia feels like her heart is being torn to shreds, emotion contorting her tired features and tears springing to her eyes, both hands resting on Amanda's back now as she tries yet again to get her to turn around.

She longs to wrap her arms around Amanda's waist and pull the smaller figure into her embrace; to assure her that she is not alone in dealing with her demons and raising her children, a confession hovering on the tip of her tongue that Olivia has to swallow before it is spoken aloud and she can never take it back. Her feelings for Amanda, which have never been solely of the colleague or friendship variety, are clawing their way to the surface yet again and begging to be released, and Olivia can't think of a less appropriate time to let them loose.

Her subordinate is sitting there vulnerable and broken beside her, and the last thing she needs is an admission of deeper feelings, or dare she say it, love, from a boss who is supposed to be supporting and protecting her instead of spilling her deepest, most guarded secrets. Olivia doesn't often allow her mind to drift toward the future when it comes to a possible romance with Amanda; to entertain the thought of two more children, a dog, and the world's most stubborn detective sharing a home with her and Noah, but she can't seem to help the images that invade her mind at the most unsuitable of times.

She scrubs her hands over her face in frustration with both herself and the trembling woman slumped next to her, a tight knot of emotion coiled right in the center of her chest, and blinking back another round of empathetic tears when she hears Amanda crying quietly. Olivia fixes her watery gaze on the shuddering form curled into the door, Amanda's arms locked around her swollen belly as she weeps softly, and decides that she can no longer just sit here and simply observe the other woman's anguish without providing more comfort.

She fumbles with the handle on her door and yanks it open with a grunt, ignoring the way the pelting raindrops swiftly plaster her hair to her head as she rushes around the front of the vehicle. The passenger door falls open before Olivia has even reached the other side, and for a split second she is convinced that Amanda is going to skirt around her and make a mad dash into the rain, a relieved sigh emitting from her lips when the younger woman merely gazes at her with a crumpled expression and doesn't move.

For a moment they simply stare at each other without speaking, a lump rising in Olivia's throat as she watches tear after tear slide down Amanda's cheeks, and slowly holds her arms out in invitation. Amanda lets out a loud sob and instantly covers her mouth with her hand but doesn't turn away this time, Olivia's arms closing around her when she leans hesitantly into her chest, warm breath puffing against the damp skin of her neck.

She grasps onto Amanda's body like she is a delicate piece of china that is in danger of breaking, tightening her hold by degrees as the detective melts bit by bit into her taller frame until she is leaning so heavily into Olivia that it is a struggle to remain upright. She is overcome with a fierce wave of protectiveness; a desire to shield Amanda from any further pain and a fervent wish to take away the horrific memories of her past and replace them with better ones.

"How can someone hurt their own children, Liv?" The sudden sound of Amanda's voice, ragged and tormented and lost, startles Olivia and wrenches her from the imagined scenes of a more peaceful and loving life for her detective; a life that includes herself.

"I don't know, sweetheart," she murmurs mournfully into the crown of Amanda's bent blonde head, the thought of laying a finger on Noah in a fit of rage sickening her to the very core of her being. "I'm so sorry that happened to you."

Olivia tries to keep from mentally cataloguing the sheer amount of hell that Amanda has been through in the span of less than four decades, and has to push down a sob of her own when she is reminded that there is still so much she doesn't know; so many things that Amanda hasn't spoken about yet. She tightens her hold around the quivering form in her arms and presses a light kiss to wisps of golden blonde hair that have come loose from the smaller woman's ponytail, her heart swelling when she feels Amanda returning the gesture and cuddling impossibly closer to her.

She knows they must look like quite a sight, their SUV parked haphazardly in the middle of the gravelly lot, the doors on both the driver and passenger side flung open and Olivia's body hanging partly out of the vehicle as they embrace each other in the pouring rain and cry. She is in no hurry to leave, however, and just wants Amanda to feel comforted and sheltered before returning to the precinct, unwilling to relinquish her hold on the younger woman quite yet.

There is still so much to discuss; the trauma from Amanda's past and Olivia's unspoken feelings hovering over them like the heavy clouds in the sky, and she is well aware that time is of the essence here and that Amanda needs to get some help as soon as possible. For now, though, right in this moment, just having Amanda safe in her arms is enough and Olivia relishes in the tender physical contact between them, resolving not to let go until Amanda is ready to pull away and continue their journey back to Manhattan.