Josie rested her hands on the edge of the school's bathroom sink and leaned forward until her face was almost touching the glass. Squinting at herself, she couldn't pinpoint exactly what was bothering her about her face.
Everything looked as it always did: dark downturned eyes, high cheekbones, faint freckles, perpetually frowning mouth. It was the same face that always stared back at her.
The stall door behind Josie opened with a bang. Lydia stomped her way to the sink next to Josie, bag hiked over her shoulder, and began washing her hands with a distinct undertone of violence.
Leaning back, Josie debated if she wanted to know what had Lydia upset. Even before she'd asked Josie to come to the bathroom with her, Lydia had looked perturbed. Taking in her flushed cheeks and way the angrily scrubbed at her hands, Josie decided she didn't want to know.
Still, she flicked her eyes over to look at Lydia in the mirror. "You okay?"
"Perfect." Lydia angrily threw her paper towel in the trashcan before stomping out of the restroom.
Staring after her, Josie debated if pushing the issue would make her a good friend or not. On one hand, Lydia seemed genuinely upset. On the other, Lydia wasn't the type of person who could be forced to open up.
Josie sighed and pulled a face in the mirror. She resolved to ask Bea about it during their online session after school. It was just one more thing to add to the list-Josie could put it between her sudden flare-up of night terrors and how her parents didn't want her to visit home.
The last week hadn't been the best. It might've been the lack of sleep, but Josie felt like she was flailing helplessly in every part of her life. Even the semi-normal way she felt hanging out with Stiles imploded.
Still stung by the rejection, Josie couldn't bring herself to look at Stiles in their shared classes. She'd refused to go to her locker while Stiles was at his. Instead, she loitered down the hall, pretending to be absorbed in something on her phone, ignoring the wounded looks Stiles was giving her.
It was childish and petty, but it made her feel better. She'd spent most of the car ride to Baba's asking stupid questions about Star Wars , secretly building up her nerve, only to get turned down. Even the devastated look on Stiles's face as he made an excuse to leave didn't make her feel better.
Josie knew Bea would be proud of her. Her therapist always was when Josie did anything that made her nervous. They'd even worked on phrases that she could use to calm herself down and explain her anxiety to others; I'm extremely out of my comfort zone, but I can deal with it. I just need a second to adjust.
Still, more than anything, Josie was embarrassed.
Leaving the restroom, Josie was suddenly surrounded by people in the hallway. She resisted the urge to cringe at the noise. The end of the school day always made everyone talk a little louder than usual and gesture a bit more when they talked.
Allison and Lydia were a few feet down the hallway, leaning against the wall to avoid most of the chaos, talking animatedly. When they spotted Josie coming their way, both girls pushed off the wall to fall in step beside her.
Stuck between her two friends, both girls acting as a buffer against the hallway, Josie could relax slightly. When the conversation between the two of them began to lull, Josie turned her head to face Allison. "So, are you and Scott going to go out again?"
Allison slowed slightly. "Yeah, tonight, actually."
Lydia matched her pace. Her hand grabbed Josie's elbow, slowing the other girl down, to make sure she didn't leave them behind. "Scott's coming over tonight?"
"Ooh," Josie wiggled her eyebrows at Allison before sharing a smug look with Lydia.
There was no sign on Lydia's face that anything had ever been bothering her, and Josie felt some tension relax from her shoulders. The other girl just raised her pale eyebrows at Allison with an imperceptible smile.
"Shut up, it's not like that." Allison defended with a smile. "We're just studying together."
"Just studying never ends with just studying." Lydia stated. Her eyebrows scrunched together as she searched for the right analogy. "It's…like getting into a hot tub. Somebody eventually cops a feel."
"What about Josie and Stiles?" Allison challenged. "Considering he has both his hands still, I'm pretty sure no one 'copped a feel' there."
Josie nodded. "Yeah, there was none of that. Point for Allison."
"That was an outlier event-a deviation from an otherwise standard pattern." Lydia raised her eyebrows at Allison. "Discounting that situation, just studying is never just studying."
"I liked the inclusion of scientific stuff." Josie said. "Point to Lydia."
Lydia looked appalled. "Josie, an outlier is used in statistics."
"Yeah, that's science, right?" While Josie wasn't the most intellectually gifted person, she knew enough to discern the difference between science and math. However, Josie couldn't pass up the opportunity to annoy Lydia.
"Sweetheart, no." Lydia shook her head. "Just no."
Allison, who had been worryingly quiet during the exchange, hesitated a few steps behind the pair. Her voice was quieter, more worried than her earlier teasing tone, and she looked slightly sick. "Wait, what are you guys saying?"
"I have no clue what Josie is talking about. All I'm saying is," Lydia glanced down at Allison from her perch on the stairs. Her voice softened into something more gentle than Josie was used to hearing from Lydia. "You know, make sure he covers up."
"I second that." Josie started up the stairs but paused next to Lydia when Allison remained frozen.
Lydia laughed under her breath and hit Allison lightly on the shoulder with a wide smile. " Hello , Snow White, we're talking about a condom."
Josie giggled at the bright red blush staining Allison's cheeks.
"Are you kidding? After one date?" Allison laughed in disbelief. She seemed to get her bearings, catching up to Lydia and Josie, curls bouncing around her head with each step as the trio resumed walking.
"I've done it after no dates." Josie commented absentmindedly. At the disbelieving looks on her friends' faces, Josie shrugged with a satisfied smile. "I had a life before I moved here, y'know."
Lydia gestured to Josie with a pleased grin. "See, don't be a total prude. Give him a little taste."
"Well, I mean," Allison looked around hurriedly to make sure no one was listening to them. "How much is a little taste?"
"It's however much you feel comfortable with." Josie softened her smile to make sure Allison knew she wasn't teasing her anymore. "I doubt Scott's had much experience with girls so the bar is on the ground."
"Trust me," Lydia remarked casually. "He has not."
"So, even if you don't do anything, I'm sure Scott is going to be losing his mind over you." Josie finished.
Despite the reassurance, the worried look on Allison's face persisted.
"Oh, God." Lydia sounded vaguely horrified. "You really like him, don't you?"
As Allison began to fight a smile, Josie did her best to ignore the jealousy twisting in her stomach. It wasn't Allison's fault that Josie had gotten rejected the night before. She hadn't even told Allison, or Lydia, about it-and she didn't plan to. Still, it was hard to see how happy Allison was at her budding romance with Scott.
"Well, he's just different." Allison said. "When I first moved here, I had a plan: no boyfriends 'til college. I just move too much. But then I met him, and he was different. I don't know, I just can't explain it."
Even with the sick, jealous feeling in her stomach, Josie couldn't stop the smile spreading over her face at how lovesick Allison was. She wrinkled her nose. "Gross."
"Come on," Allison raised her eyebrows at Josie. "You didn't like any of the guys you…"
As Allison trailed off, Josie finished the sentence for her. "Any of the people I slept with?"
Clearly uncomfortable with articulating her question, Allison just nodded with a curious smile. Lydia, a matching look on her face, gestured for Josie to go on.
"I liked them fine." Josie explained, heat slowly crawling up her neck. "I just wasn't interested in anything more than hooking up. I'm not sure if I can explain it either."
While she wasn't embarrassed about her sex life-her previous sex life, as Josie doubted the possibility of sex was anywhere in her near future-it felt odd to have Lydia and Allison staring at her so intently.
"I can." Lydia stated with a pleased smile. "During sex, a mix of dopamine and oxytocin are released-once the chemical high off, you probably lost interest in them."
"Good enough for me." Josie nodded.
"And you," Lydia pivoted to point at Allison. The brunette looked slightly terrified to be at the receiving end of Lydia's attention. "It's your brain flooding with phenylethylamine."
Josie joined Allison's confused laughter. "What?"
"I'll tell you what to do." Lydia pointed to Allison with a growing smile. "When's he coming over?"
Before Allison could answer, Josie interrupted with a groan. She gestured to where her backpack was hanging from her shoulders. "Shit, I forgot my Chemistry book."
Allison frowned. "Want us to wait?"
"Nah," Josie waved her off before turning to jog down the stairs. "I'm gonna call Baba to come pick me up, so I'll be fine. I don't think I need the Sex Ed class as much as Allison does."
Josie was rewarded with the sound of Lydia's high laughter and Allison's overdramatic complaints.
As Josie approached her locker, the crowd of students began to thin out. By the time she had shoved her Chemistry book into her bag, the hallways were becoming eerily silent. Voices and faint laughter echoed down the hall but Josie couldn't see anyone to place it to.
Shutting her locker, Josie began to hum quietly to herself. It was off-key and pitchy, but it was just loud enough to cover the echoing noises she couldn't place.
A throaty cough from her left made Josie flinch. Her heartbeat stuttered for a brief second before resuming its normal pace. As she tried to catch her breath, Josie glanced at the figure from the corner of her eye.
Derek Hale stared back at her.
Josie's heart calmed even further at the familiar face. She paused, taking in the sight of him, and frowned.
Derek didn't look as Josie remembered him-intimidatingly, and annoyingly, handsome with heavily-drawn lines, her brain provided-but, instead, he looked like shit. He was sickly pale with a thin layer of sweat covering his face. The dark circles under his eyes were pigmented enough to be bruises.
"Are you okay?" Josie asked. One hand curled under the strap of her backpack while the other began to pick anxiously at a loose thread on her skirt.
Against Bea's advice, Josie had seen the crime scene photos of Summerville. She'd never understood why there had to be an investigation in the first place, considering everyone involved was dead, but Bea had explained it to her as gently as possible.
Because Josie was the only survivor, and the only one able to say what happened, they had to confirm everything matched her story. In the immediate aftermath, Josie, who had been alternating between catonia and hysteria in the hospital, was less than helpful. The implication, though unsaid, was clear: they had to make sure that Josie wasn't the murderer.
She remembered the thick, hazy feeling the calming drugs had blanketed her in. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion, including the blurry figures of her parents, pacing worriedly outside the room. Even when an apologetic woman came to take pictures of her injuries, Josie had simply lay there.
While the process itself was dulled by medication, seeing the pictures of herself months later was jolting. Josie barely recognized the girl in the pictures.
The girl in the pictures was lying limply in a hospital bed, damp hair spread around her, an oxygen mask covering the bottom half of her face. Her skin was ashy and tinted blue under the hospital lights. The worst wasn't seeing the photos categorizing her injuries: stab wound to the left shoulder, defensive wounds on her forearms, two fractured ribs, shallow scrapes on her palms and knees, and three broken fingers on her right hand.
The worst was catching sight of her own blank eyes. None of the photos were meant to capture her face, but Josie's head had lolled forward to slip into the frame. The whites of her eyes were shot through with burst blood vessels, eyelids rimmed in red, with a small scratch shining starkly under her right eye.
The doctors had later said Josie wouldn't stop harshly rubbing and scratching at her eyes until she had been sedated.
Derek looked remarkably like one of the crime scene photos of a recently dead Josie.
"You look pretty awful." Josie continued. "Seriously, are you okay?"
Instead of answering her question, Derek just leveled her with an unimpressed look. Even talking seemed to pain him, as he groaned a question through gritted teeth. "Have you seen Scott?"
"Not for a couple hours, sorry." Josie could only smile apologetically at Derek. "If I see him before I leave, I'll let him know you're looking for him."
Nodding, Derek winced and began to turn cautiously down the hallway.
"I can see if Allison knows anything? She'll probably have a better chance at reaching him than me." Josie offered, already reaching for the pocket of her bag that held her phone.
"No. Do not do that." Derek snapped, swinging his head around to look at Josie. At her wide eyes, he seemed to deflate slightly.
Josie nodded. She was sure she would've been more intimidated if he didn't look like he was going to keel over. Slowly, she dropped her hand. "Okay, I won't. It's not that big a deal."
"Just-" Derek heaved a sigh as though Josie was just one more annoyance he had to deal with. "Just tell Scott I'm looking for him."
"I already said I would." Josie's concern was fading fast. It was quickly replaced with irritation. "But, really, you look like hell. You should get checked out or something."
Derek couldn't seem to resist the urge to roll his eyes. Sighing dramatically, he gestured wearily with his hand for Josie to leave.
Annoyed at having been clearly dismissed, Josie quickly walked down the hallway, refusing to spare a look back at Derek.
Maybe he'd been having a really good day the first time she met him; his normal state could be looking like a deathly TB patient. Josie had only met the guy twice, how was she supposed to know?
In the time it'd taken her to retrace her steps to the doors leading to the parking lot, Josie had almost forgotten about Derek Hale. She'd had more pressing issues to deal with-like what movie was she going to watch after her therapy session.
Just as she opened one of the doors to the parking lot, Josie ran into someone's back.
She recovered enough to avoid falling on her face but felt that stability vanish as she turned to glare at who she ran into.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Josie mumbled.
Stiles seemed as taken aback as she was. "Nope, uh, not even a little. The universe seems pretty set on us crashing into each at every possible moment."
Josie rolled her eyes. "The universe needs a better sense of humor."
"At least, I didn't run into you this time!" Stiles offered. To avoid getting crushed by the flow of students around them, he began slowly walking forward. "Also, normally, you apologize when you're the one who run into someone."
"You have lots of experience with that." Josie narrowed her eyes at Stiles. Still, she matched his slow pace towards the parking lot.
A surprised smile spread across Stiles's face as he realized Josie was walking beside him-and not running away. At the annoyed look on her face, he did his best to hide it. "Okay, cool, I didn't want an apology anyway."
Josie did her best to hide her smile, turning away briefly, but couldn't help the warmth growing in her chest. Stiles was trying to stop himself from smiling, but his face continued to twitch into a proud look every few seconds. It was unbearably cute.
Ignoring her tiny smile, Josie rolled her eyes fondly. "Everyone is being so weird today."
Stiles raised his eyebrows. "Enlighten me."
"Like, don't get me started on Allison and Scott. They're always weird about each other, especially now, so I don't know if that's normal or not? Then Derek Hale looks like death frozen over-"
"Wait-you saw Derek?" Stiles went to grab Josie's shoulder, barely stopping himself, turning the movement into a confused gesture. "Where?"
"Inside." Josie nearly tripped at how quickly Stiles stopped in front of her. To avoid being crushed by the people behind them, Josie reluctantly grabbed onto his sleeve and tugged him off to the edge of the sidewalk. Stiles barely seemed to notice, too busy staring up at the school. "Why are you freaking out?"
"I am not freaking out!" Stiles denied. "I am being totally calm right now!"
"Yeah, I can tell by your totally calm behavior." Josie replied sarcastically. "What is you and Scott's deal with Derek?"
Stiles's head snapped back to look down at Josie. "What? There's no deal with us and-and Derek Hale! We barely know the guy."
"Then why did Derek say he was friends with Scott?" Josie resumed walking but paused to gesture impatiently when Stiles hesitated in following her. "Are you coming or not?"
"Wait, who's taking you home?" Stiles asked. He settled into a pace a step behind Josie, arms still twitching with frenetic energy. "'Cause I am, like, 99.99% sure we've had the conversation about how dangerous it is for you to wait alone."
"I'm literally calling Baba now. She'll be here in like fifteen minutes." Josie reached into the side pocket of her bag and grabbed her phone. She pointedly held it out for Stiles to see.
"Nope, nope, nope." Stiles shook his head.
For a prolonged moment, his hands hovered awkwardly over Josie's shoulders. She waited patiently, resisting the urge to swat them away, as his face flickered in confusion.
Stiles's hesitation to touch her only made Josie like him more. He didn't know the full story-didn't know Josie could tolerate touches over clothing or contact she initiated-but he kept his distance anyway.
When he'd patted her on the shoulder the night before, it was in the same tentative and careful way Josie reached her hand out to stray cats. He gave plenty of warning and time for her to pull away. It was obvious that Stiles was trying to make sure she was comfortable. That meant more to Josie than anything.
Eventually, Stiles settled for tapping on the edge of her backpack. "I'll give you a ride."
"Why?" Josie's hand tightened around her phone. As much as she didn't want to be suspicious of Stiles's generosity, it was hard not to be.
"Because it's a dangerous world for young women, duh ." Stiles deadpanned, only breaking into a slight look of relief when Josie began to follow him.
"And a teenage boy offering me a ride isn't dangerous?" Josie retorted.
Stiles scoffed disbelieving. "First of all, I am definitely a young man."
"Debateable."
Their banter continued across the parking lot, into Stiles's Jeep, and through most of the car line waiting to leave. Josie had settled comfortably into the passenger seat, one leg folded under her, while she continued to half-seriously make fun of Stiles. The conversation only stalled when Stiles slammed on his brakes.
"What the hell?" Josie whined. Her hand slipped under the seatbelt to to rub at the sore spot on her sternum. "Next time, I get to drive."
Josie had been expecting a sarcastic retort from Stiles, something about how she didn't have her license, and was quick to look over when all she heard was silence. Behind them, cars began beeping impatiently.
Stiles didn't even seem to hear them-instead, he was staring at the person who stumbled in front of the Jeep.
Somehow, Derek Hale was looking even worse than he'd had inside.
"I told you he looked like shit." Josie glanced behind them as the beeping continued to get more aggressive. "I think we're about to get rear-ended if you don't start driving."
"Josie…" Stiles cringed back into his seat. "Please, don't take this the wrong way, but I need you to get out."
"What?" Josie whipped her head around to stare at Stiles in shock. "Are you serious?"
"I would not ask you to do this without a good reason, and I swear I will make it up to you!" Stiles seemed genuine enough, eyebrows pulled together and face crestfallen, as he gestured to the door. "But I really, really need you to get out."
"Don't bother making it up." To her horror, Josie felt heat prickling behind her eyes. In an attempt to hide it, she filled her voice with as much venom as she could. "This is so fucked."
From the driver's seat, Josie could hear Stiles sputtering out an apology, but she refused to look at him. Instead, she wiped her damp eyes, grabbed her backpack, and slid out of the car with as much dignity as she could.
As Josie stood listlessly on the curb, she watched Stiles usher a sickly Derek into the passenger seat. The heat behind her eyes was becoming unbearable.
Grabbing her phone, Josie sent a text to Baba and did her best to pretend her sniffles were from allergies.
"It was so humiliating!" Even though she knew Bea couldn't see her, Josie threw her hands up. She was spread out on her back in bed, covered under three layers of heavy blankets, with her phone balanced on her stomach.
"Did he say why?" Bea's voice was slightly fuzzy through the phone, but it still held the scratchy tone that Josie found comforting.
"No." Painfully aware she was sulking, Josie threw an arm over her eyes. "I didn't stick around to ask."
"Why not?"
"Because people were beeping, and I was, like, five seconds away from crying!"
"I'm sorry, kid, that sounds awful." Bea hummed low in her throat. "What do you think you're going to do?"
"Isn't that your job? Y'know, telling me what to do."
Bea's raspy laugh crackled through the phone. "We've been doing this for almost six months. You know that's not my job."
"It should be." Josie tugged the inside of her cheek into her mouth. "I'm not sure what to do. I don't really want to do anything. Like, he did something shitty, so he should have to make up for it."
"And that's a valid way of feeling about it." Bea said. "Judging by what you told me, he knows it was wrong, and he knows he hurt you by doing it. The ball is firmly in his court…"
"But?" Josie prompted.
"But," Bea continued. "I want to make sure this is coming from the right place."
"Is there a wrong place?"
"If you're self-sabotaging, then yes." Bea countered. "It sounds like you're making progress towards a solid friendship with Stiles, so I want to make sure you aren't sabotaging it."
Josie rolled her eyes. "I already made friends here, so why would I be sabotaging this one? Like, I'm trying to be a decent friend to Allison and Lydia, so I'm clearly not scared of it."
"Allison and Lydia are girls."
"Yeah, and?" Josie replied as Kitty jumped gracefully onto the bed. The cat burrowed herself under Josie's mound of blankets and curled up against the curve of her owner's waist.
The steadiness of Bea's voice was soothing. "You've told me before that it's different with girls."
Josie had told her that during one of their first sessions when she was at Roads to Recovery. While she wasn't a social butterfly, there were a few girls Josie would sit in silence with at lunch. However, she wouldn't speak to any of the male patients. Bea had asked why.
Curled up in one of the chairs in Bea's office, Josie had picked at the fraying elastic band on her sweatpants. All she could do was shrug and say, "It's different with girls. They're easier."
The words she didn't say hung in the air.
It wasn't a girl that killed me.
"It's not that." Josie disagreed. She frowned, a hand scratching at Kitty's head, while she tried to find the right words. "It would've been embarrassing no matter what, but I think getting rejected by him before made it worse. Like that one saying with the salt."
"Salt in the wound?"
"Yes! That one."
"I won't lie." Bea's voice was warm. "I'm happy to hear about you having some boy trouble."
"We just talked about my night terrors for the last hour, remember?" Josie remarked. "Don't get too happy."
"I'm allowed to be proud of you, Josie." Bea said.
Josie could picture Bea sitting cozily in her home office. After Josie was done with in-patient therapy, they moved their appointments to the small office in Bea's house. She'd seen Bea enough times, computer on her lap and tea by her side, to see it clearly.
To distract from the potential emotions bubbling up, Josie blurted out, "Did I tell you my parents don't want me coming back to visit?"
To her credit, Bea rolled with the sudden subject change. "No. Did they say why?"
"They don't think it'd be a good idea."
"What do you think?"
Josie sighed. "I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel completely fine, and sometimes I feel like I can't think about anything other than how much I miss them."
"Your parents or your friends?" Bea asked.
"My friends." Josie answered softly. Her lips twitched into a small smile. "I don't think my parents have ever been around enough for me to miss them."
"Do you think talking about it would help? We haven't ended one of our sessions with good memories in awhile."
Ending their sessions with good memories of Josie's dead friends had been one of the few ideas she'd suggested that Bea deemed healthy enough to become part of their routine. While it still hurt to talk about them, the good memories helped. It made Josie feel less like a walking wound.
"Yeah, sure." Josie closed her eyes and tangled one hand in Kitty's fur. She took a deep breath. "Emilia's laugh and how she'd start hiccuping after a few minutes. How frizzy Keeley's hair would dry after getting out of the pool. Ward trying to get us to pierce his ears in the bathroom. The bowling alley we went to for Emilia's birthday-specifically, the darts. And then having explain to her mom that we were at the emergency room because Em stepped on one."
Josie smiled as she finished her list.
Even though it was only for a moment, it was nice to bring her friends back from the dead.