A/N: Hey, everyone, this is something I've written several versions of. I hope you enjoy.

The hammer struck metal, once, twice, thrice. Sparks flew from it like tiny orange fireflies. The metal sheet glowed a hot amber. Hiccup blew on it forcefully before he clamped the edge of it with tongs and submerged it in a cauldron of cool water. It sizzled angrily as its glow gradually died away.

Hiccup breathed hard, wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. Just as he was about to pull it from the water with the tongs again, the world turned a barrel roll, and he dropped the tongs. Hiccup managed to grip the desk and panted while his legs wobbled like jelly. He sank into a chair, lightly touching his temple as if to re-center focus.

A warble drew Hiccup's attention behind him. Toothless trotted up to him, his eyes round with concern.

"I'm fine, bud." Hiccup stroked the dragon's scaly head to assuage him. "Just a bit tired, that's all."

Toothless nuzzled Hiccup in the ribs, earning a laugh from the young chief. Hiccup threw his arms around his friend, relishing the warmth of the scales against his skin. With them both now leaders, their responsibilities had them often splitting up of late. Hiccup missed the freedom he and Toothless had. He missed spending time with his dragon, exploring the sea and skies rather than being tied to busywork. But oftentimes, when Hiccup was alone, the busywork was good. It kept him from his thoughts. It kept him from remembering…

The Night Fury drew back when a low growl came from Hiccup's stomach. Toothless cooed lightly.

"Guess it's time for a break," said Hiccup with a sideways smile.

Hiccup and Toothless headed towards the Great Hall. When they reached the towering doors atop the stairs, the Night Fury darted in excitedly. Smiling silently, Hiccup sauntered in after him. He blinked to adjust his eyes to the dim ambience of the firelit hall, and spotted all the riders gathered at the same table, having lunch and laughing together. Just then, Astrid's gaze met his, and his betrothed jumped to her feet.

"Hey! Come join us!" she beamed.

Taking his bowl of soup, he sauntered over to the table and sank down next to Astrid.

"How's it goin', chief?" Tuffnut chirped. "It's good to see you."

"Yeah, for, like, longer than a two-second sighting," Snotlout chided jokingly. "Are we not cool enough for you anymore?"

Hiccup chuckled weakly. "Yeah, sorry. It's been kinda hectic these past few weeks."

"Well, we've missed you. And yes, I sound mushy," Snotlout said, rolling his eyes at himself, "But in all seriousness, it's not the same without ya."

"I know, nothing's the same…" Hiccup's gaze fell down; his tone dropped to barely above whispering. "Nothing's the same. "

The table fell silent for a moment.

Hiccup looked to his right when Astrid's hand grasped his own.

"So…you doing okay?" she asked.

This question. He hated this question and all the others that people tended to ask.

"How are you doing?"

"How do you feel today?"

"How are you holding up?"

Everyone seemed to treat him as if he was dying. As if they were trying to help him and make him feel better. As if they could heal the hurt and make him forget it. But nothing would make him forget what happened. And nothing, nothing, nothing could make him stop wondering "what if."

What if Hiccup had stepped out of the way of the blast? What if he stopped Drago from using the Alpha to control Toothless? What if he never went to the hunter to try to persuade him and stayed on Berk where he was supposed to be?

What if Hiccup had done as he was told and listened to his father instead of screwing up again?

If he had not been so desperate to avoid another war with dragon hunters, if he had not been so sure that he could convince Drago Bludvist to stop hunting dragonkind, then maybe things could have turned out differently.

"Hiccup." Astrid's voice shook Hiccup from his spiraling thoughts. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," Hiccup said, then added his usual cover-up: "I'm just tired."

Astrid looked at him in concern and sympathy. "You've been pushing it hard lately. Maybe you need a break?"

"Yeah, maybe we could do a dragon race," suggested Fishlegs cheerfully. "Those are always fun."

"Oh-oh! We could do teams!" piped up Tuffnut. "It'll be a reunion of Snotnuts and- well, maybe, we change the names, they're outdated. What say you, Ruff and Snotlout? Get the band back together?"

"Sure, I'm game. If I get to call the shots," Snotlout drawled nonchalantly.

Ruffnut raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, I don't know, I feel like Tuff and I should take the lead. We almost won last time."

"Emphasis on 'almost.' You cheated, remember?" Astrid remarked with a dry smirk.

"Oh, don't deny that." Tuffnut leaned back in his chair with a satisfied chuckle. "T'was indeed a good cheat."

Snotlout rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I think I'm calling the shots this time."
"I'm rescinding my vote for teams."

"Typical."

"What does that mean?"

"Forgive me if I actually want to win," Snotlout laughed scoffingly. "Almost-wins suck and…"

Snotlout's words faded as Hiccup's ears began to ring. All his friend's voices, cheerful and laughing, became muffled and distant as if coming from underwater. They were all happy, laughing, like it was old times. Old times when they were all together. When they were all happy.

When everything was perfect.

Automatically, Hiccup stood up from the bench, mumbling flatly, "I have to go."

The chatter stopped and all faces turned to him, their eyes boring at him with disappointment. He waved lightly, telling them that he would see them later, but his tone was numb. He ambled quickly towards the exit. The air felt thick, everything else a foggy haze. He could hardly feel the ground beneath his feet.

A sudden hand grasped him around the wrist, and when he turned, he saw it was Astrid.

"Hey." Her voice was gentle, barely above a whisper. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. Nothing, I'm fine." Hiccup tried a smile, but the motion felt so foreign to his lips. "Just remembered I've got some stuff to do."

"You hardly touched your food."

"I'm… not really that hungry. Besides, I've got, just, so many things," Hiccup finished lamely.

Astrid raised her eyebrow for a moment. "You're sure you're not pushing yourself too hard?"

"I don't know what you mean…"

"Well…" Her voice sounded like she was treading on thin ice. "With everything that's been going on, with your dad and taking on the mantle of chief… I don't know how that must feel, but it must be hard."

Hiccup chewed his lip, then forced a smile. "I'm fine, Astrid, but thanks. I'm settling in. I've worked through it. It's been two weeks, it's fine."

Two weeks, three days, twelve hours, he corrected inwardly. But, with the shake of his head, he continued, "Anyway, I better go. I promised Phlegma I'd help her. Some Hobblegrunt problem."

Astrid sighed, her face reluctant. "Alright, but please, remember that you can talk to me."

Hiccup felt captured by her blue eyes, her fingers ran through her hair. But strangely, his skin did not warm at her touch, his heart did not beat fast at her standing so close to him. He felt so numb, so disconnected.

Impulsively, he pressed his lips against hers. Her fingers tangled in his hair, her lips moved in a dance with his. But Hiccup pulled away, his breath quavering slightly. Astrid stared at him in concern, almost as if she did not recognize him.

With a slight shake of his head, Hiccup mumbled, "I'm sor… I should go…I'll see you later."

Hiccup drifted out of the door and down the steps. He barely knew where his feet landed, where he was going. The entire world faded to a blurry haze. Vaguely, his fingers brushed against his lips. When he had kissed Astrid, it had felt so foreign. It was as if any sensation of happiness had drained from his body. Everything was dulled and blackened like ink staining a glass of water.

He could not feel her. He could not feel anything. He was in the dark, under the water, drowning…

Hiccup stumbled as his prosthetic brushed the edge of a cliff. He staggered back and regained his balance. He panted and clutched at his heart. He had almost walked off a cliff. He had to start looking where he was going.

At length, he peeked over the edge, his toes gripping the ground. The waves crashed against the jagged rocks below. He swayed slightly at the dizzying distance between him and the ocean. Wasn't this the exact place where Drago and the Bewilderbeast drowned, sank beneath the waves, never to be seen again?

He stood there, frozen, in a trance as he stared over the precipice. And to think, just seconds ago, Hiccup almost met the same grizzly fate. It would be so simple. He could just step off, slip off the edge, just fall into the ocean. Maybe he would hit the rocks, but it would be so quick, so easy.

The distant waves grew louder. He could almost hear a voice whispering above them. It was calling him, telling him to jump.

Hiccup…

With a quiet breath, Hiccup leaned forward. The voice. It was his father. His father was calling his name.

Hiccup…

His father was there. Hiccup was so close.

Hiccup…

Automatically, his foot stepped forward. The world was a haze. All he knew was that his dad was down there, below the waves. Hiccup had to join him. All he had to do was jump…

Hiccup…

With an electrifying shock, Hiccup jerked away, inhaling a gasp as if he had resurfaced from underwater. What was he doing? What had he been thinking? Had he really been about to jump? Had he really considered dying?

Had he truly considered taking his own life and throwing it away?

Maybe it would have been better if I were dead, thought Hiccup. After all, I was supposed to die. Not Dad-

Hiccup shook his head, shoving away these toxic thoughts. He should not want to die. It was wrong. It was wrong. Stoick had sacrificed his life so that he would live. Hiccup should not throw away that second chance. And yet.

And yet…was Hiccup not the reason that Stoick sacrificed himself?

Was it really a sacrifice? Or was it a murder?

Who was actually responsible?

Hiccup's hands went to his hair, gasping in panic. He was under the waves again. He was being pulled under. He could not breathe; He was under the current, drowning in cold darkness. He was drowning.

Drowning. Drowning. Drowning.

"No, no, no," Hiccup gasped out, suffocating.

His fingers knotted in his hair. Blood pounded in his ears. He could not breathe. He needed air. Air, air, air…

Stop.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he inhaled, one, two, three. He exhaled one, two, three. He repeated the session, once, twice, thrice until he calmed. Yet, his entire being still quivered like a leaf. He felt his throat squeezing shut, his eyes burning from tears welling up.

Hiccup exhaled shakily, willing the tears away. "No, no. I'm fine. It's fine. It's fine…"

Deep down, Hiccup knew that it was a lie. He was lying.

Nothing was fine. Nothing would ever be fine. Inhaling sharply, Hiccup straightened up. He swallowed hard. Despite everything, he had to be strong. He had to be fine, for everyone else.

Even though he was not worthy of life.

Even if he wished that he could trade places with his dad.