Chocolate products stolen?
Louis: (eating chocolate) this is really good ch-
Student: Who took my chocolates? I wanted to give it to Harry for valentines day.
Louis: …he doesn't need it. He's fat already.
Student: Hey, who took my chocolates?
Louis: And you're fat as well.
That is not good
Dementor: (comes into the train)
Student: how come all of the dementors are ignoring you?
Louis: I lost all my will to live…also I don't have a soul.
Dementor: that's not good
Louis: I know.
"The pasta..."
Louis: (eating) …
Some person: Troll in the dungeon, troll in the dungeon!!!
Louis: This pasta is overcooked, who was making this? It's absolutely disgusting. A five year old can make this pasta with their eyes closed…the cooking man should be the one to get fed to the troll.
Meet your new DADA.
Professor: please meet your new defense against the dark arts teacher, Professor Umbridge.
Louis: oh, hey I know that lady. She threw a broom at me in the face early this morning because a ball landed next to her while she was scouting the quidditch practice field.
Dangerously close to the Sun
Umbridge: we will not be needing our wands.
Everyone: (groaning and complaining)
Louis: Hey, that's not right…this is a defense against the dark arts. Not ditch your wand and welcome life with death knocking on your front door.
Umbridge: I mean there is no reason to have them when you are perfectly safe here.
Louis: how would you like to be hit in the face with a flying object, maybe then you'll rethink your attitude towards banning wands.
Detention with Louis or Umbridge?
Louis: …
Umbridge: how dare you insult me as a person-
Louis: your character is questionable, you as a person are a satanic force of nature that should burn in the deepest depths of Hell.
Umbridge: detention with me student!!
Louis: If you're giving me detention but don't remember my name, how are you going to enforce the "sign your name on the detention sheet?" Rule?
Umbridge: I am going to make you sign on your hand the rules in which I set up in this place for people like you!!!
Louis: you made over 100 rules, you think my hand is big enough to write all of them? I may be a wizard, but I am not a magician.
"I just assumed..."
Student: oh my goodness Lewy, how did you get detention?
Louis: I wavered a partition around campus telling people "whoever agrees that Umbridge is a soggy loser who kills fashion no matter what color she puts on should sign this waiver to overthrow her as headmistress and put a different person in charge. But if you're signing it just to signe it because you hate her, or are just bored and looking for trouble, your signature is valuable."
Student: how does anyone have time to read that?
Louis: I put posters up over the school with those words, "do you hate Umbridge? Sign, but if you want to start trouble, sign." And I also made Howlers and sent them to people whose faces I recognized.
Student: And that worked?
Louis: I got over 50,000 signatures. Also the signing was free for all, that or they really hate Umbridge.
Dolores: Who made this Howler?
Student: …you sent one to her?
Louis: yeah, I just assumed she hated herself too.
Dolores: Lewy!!!
Louis: Apparently not.
Open the wrong thing
Louis: (hissing)
The dungeon: (door opens)
Louis: I really need to stop venturing into unknown territory…but cool secret dungeon. I should use it as my secret layer.
The encounter
Louis: (studying)
Voice: end the person's life…
Louis: (looks up and around) …
Your voice
Voice: feed me that person!!!
Louis: Now I'm hearing voices. And they sound like they need the Mississippi River at this point.
Voice: …rude!!!
Louis: What's rude is your nasty drywall pasty sounding voice ringing in my head all day and all night. You could use 70 lbs of mouthwash to clear up that nasty horse mess you have going on, I mean the sound of your voice sounds painful, but being the person with a voice that sounds like my cats scratching post, even I would be in pain hearing myself talk. And what even are you? If I see you ending up as a big ugly lizard to go with that voice, I'm calling the doctor to remove every bit of your raggedy looking self, because you sound like a hazard to society.
Voice: …
Trying to sleep
Voice: give me blood-
Louis: Shut up, I'm trying to sleep!!! Ruining a perfectly good dream too. I should sue you, did my speech mean nothing to you?
Voice: I'm going to ignore your rude statement. Because my therapist once told me that I should be myself.
Louis: your therapist must've had amnesia and free time on her hands, telling you what you wanted to hear.
Voice: I'm choosing to listen to my therapist-
Louis: And I'm choosing to tell you, your therapist lied to you. Your therapist told you to sing, when she clearly meant stop holding your luck for "America Got talent" those judges moved out of the suburbs some eons ago.
Voice: …you're so mean.
Louis: no girl, your mean, I'm over here trying to sleep, but your over hear making me want to rip my throat out-
Student: lewy? What are you doing?
Louis: mind your own business Martha!! I'm talking to myself, clearly when you see something crazy, you need to question me. I could be over here possessed by a demon and you're asking "what are you doing Lewy?" At 3:00 am on a Thursday.
Being Revealed
Harry: it's the basilisk, I was wondering why I kept hearing voices around the place.
Louis: …so I'm not delulu?
Hermine: That's not right, the basilisk is located in the chamber of secrets…but that was rumored to be sealed off…or a myth!!!
Harry: wait…then who opened the chamber of secrets?
Louis: …question? What does this Basilisk look like?
Harry: …a snake looking monster?
Louis: …hmm. Ugly fugly, I'm calling Madam Pomfrey.
Harry: what?
Louis: …I heard someone call my name…(backs away and leaves)
The infirmary
Student: lewy? What are you doing in clothes?
Louis: wearing them?
Student: I meant why are you wearing nurse clothing?
Louis: oh… I was bored and wanted to look good. Also Nurse what's-her-face told me to watch over the patients.
Student: You mean Madam Pomfrey? She asked you to man the station in her absence?
Louis: Why is that so hard to believe?
Student: …we're all going to die.
The wrong arm
Louis: (changing the bandage) you're going to be all better.
Student: you tied my arm to the railing.
Louis: oh…
Student: also that's the wrong arm.
Louis: …that was just practice…
Burning inferno
Louis: oh look your burning.
Student: really? I didn't know, I just assumed that the fire that was spreading all over me was just sparklers.
Louis: really? But how-
Student: I was kidding-!!!
Louis: ok, sir, don't be so hot with me.
Student: Are you making fun of me-?
Louis: Now you need to cool down.
Too Stunned to speak?
Louis: What happened to you?
Student: …
Louis: You good bro?
Student: …
Louis: Is your face just naturally shaped like that or did something happen to you as a baby and now it's stuck like that? Ugly and further disfigured?
Another person: Louis!!!
Louis: what?
Another person: she's in shock.
Louis: gee me too, I'm shocked at how ugly her genes are.
Parents gone
Louis: Your ear is gone.
Harry: really? I didn't know that-
Louis: So are your parents…
Student: lewy!!
Louis: what? I can't be the only one who's said that.
If Louis and book hermine became friends
Louis: we should go across the border and blackmail the whole nation and bring them to their knees.
Hermione: yeah, and then we should turn them into our mindless army that will do whatever we want whenever we want.
Student: That sounds a bit villainous.
Hermione: I mean someone has to create an army to back up Harry for when something bad happens, can't expect most of Dumbledore's army to get the job done when he's dead and Umbridge would notice more than a 1,000 people missing from their classes.
Louis: Besides, if we get them to be mindless, we can teach everyone how to defend themselves properly with a simple spell and trick. And if you get really good, we can hand over the mind control spell to you so you can have your own personal mindless mentor.
Student: how do you even know any of those spells…wait… is that even a spell?
Louis: …oblivio.
Student: What happened?
Hermione: Want to sign this sheet to learn proper magic?
Student: heck yeah. (Signs the paper)
Hermione: good, start saying a word to anyone or snitch to Umbridge and this'll dismember your face permanently.
Student: what?
Louis: what?
Shirt fiasco
Louis: Nice shirt.
Hermione: thank you, I got it on sale during the holidays.
Malfoy: ah yo!!! mudblood is that from your world? It's so drab and ugly one can only dream of finding a wand spell that can burn their eye socket out, and their memory uningraved into their brains having taken one look at that.
Hermione: at least people are still looking, when they see you, they grab anything close to them that'll take their eyes out of their brains so they don't have to look at your ferret face.
Louis: (claps)
Malfoy: What are you clapping about, Italian bistro? Name five people who would give a bit about you if you were found dead in the forbidden forest-
Louis: name five people who like you enough to go two minutes without choking you and dumping your body for the giant spider to eat you. Gee if that troll was still alive, I would have fed you to him first hand instead of that cook.
Hermione: was the pasta really that atrocious?
Louis: yes, it was a bio hazard and a criminal offense, those pieces hit harder than my mother throwing a brick at my head.
Malfoy: Little Italy still sad about his pasta being ruined?
Louis: Pipe down there Daddy's disappointment, you're still a walking hazardous waste and a crime against the universe, those criminal offenses got nothing on ya since the judge wouldn't need to swore themselves in, knowing about your dad's receding hairline and big block of bald spot that shows you and your old man guilty on spot, besides daddy knows how to kill the genes, the only thing you know how to kill is the mood.
Malfoy: My father will be hearing about this!!
Louis: from you? I think he already knows.
Hit or miss?
Hermione: Which parents do you think would be hit or miss?
Louis: Hermione, what a vastly different thing to say, one could almost think you a different person when you say out of pocket things-
Hermione: What's out of pocket, we all know some of you have been thinking about it. Plus it was a conversation that would have gotten around the table one way or another.
Ron: I highly don't recommend this conversation, but if I had to choose, I'd say Serious is a hit. Sorry mate.
Louis: I can see it, but bare with me…Narcissa?
Ron: …that is your option? Draco's mom?
Louis: Would you prefer me to say Draco's dad?
Ron: no, I prefer you not say anything Draco.
Louis: So you're allowed to pick Serious, but I'm not allowed to pick Narcissa?
Ron: Serious doesn't have a kid that's a brat or a lover that's a five year old wannabe villain.
Louis: so? Who cares if Narcisa has family issues, I mean we all got some form of family issues.
Ron: I don't.
Louis: Oh good on you Ron, I'm not changing my opinion.
Ron: why?
Louis: because she's hot, besides have you seen her bloodline? Bellatrix is hot-
Ron: She's a creepy old woman obsessed with a noseless sickenly pale man.
Louis: so?
Ron: She's chasing after a man who's chasing after a nose!!!
Richy: if it makes you feel better, he also thinks your mom's hot-
Ron: Excuse you? That doesn't make me feel any better!!!
Louis: Why not? Your mom can cook, and she got a nice badonkadonk-
Ron: do not talk about my mother that way-!!
Louis: So Serious is on limits then?
Ron: What's that supposed to mean?
Louis: he's Harry's Godfather for pete sakes, the fact that you refer to him as hot is concerning as all get out-
Ron: first of all, I said he is a hit-
Louis: Basically the same thing.
Ron: And second, I'm not prizing him in a phrase that is offensive and inappropriate, and you're saying it to my face, how would you like it if I told you your mom was nice looking-.
Louis: I wouldn't care cause she's bud ugly. So if you want a cranky old hag as your wife, go right ahead and have her.
Everyone: …!!
Louis: (looks around) fine!!! Fine, let's do a different person we can all agree is good looking…Harry's mom…
Ron: …
Harry: (finally entering the hall with Draco and Snape behind)
Ron: …what is with you and mom's?
Louis: I think I have mommy issues.