(Pilot)
We begin in Imp city where we see a building called I.M.P as we zoom into the building to see a door with the note "Meeting in Progress" on it.
The scene than cuts into the office, where Blitzo is speaking to his employees about their declining business.
Blitzo: Alright. Now, I know business has been... a bit slow lately, yes. It's no one's fault, okay? I'm not naming any names here... Moxxie.
Moxxie gives him an incredulous look in response
Blitzo: Now, does anyone have... any bright ideas on how we can get business drummin' up again?
Millie: What about a car wash?
Blitzo: This is Hell, Millie. No one cares about cars being clean here, okay? Wh- Ooh! What about a billboard?
He waves his hands with an enthusiastic flair as sparkles fly out.
Moxxie: We can't afford a billboard, sir.
Blitzo: Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad you're in the room right now. *pushes Moxxie away* Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?
Blitzo turns on a TV that shows the I.M.P. crew brutally murdering people from the overworld as they are paid to do. Blitzo whacks a man in the face with a mallet, Moxxie is blown away firing a shotgun through the mouth of a man tied to a chair, Loona swings a man back and forth in her mouth, and Millie decapitates someone with a harpoon and laughs. Jack cuts a man in half with an axe with a maniacal smile on his face. Then, it zooms out to everyone watching the TV, with Loona, Millie, Blitzo eating popcorn and Jack drinking a Coca-Cola.
Blitzo: Ahh, those were the good times.
Moxxie: I don't need any reminding, sir. Considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week.
Jack: Yeah, one that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel... Nobody watches.
Blitzo: Uh, hey. Excuse me? What's "obnoxious" about a super-fun jingle, alright? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spittin' bullshit!
Millie: People love musicals, sir.
Blitzo: Exactly, Millie! And we're basically doing' a musical. *does jazz hands* Are you gonna crush my musical theater dreams like my dad did?
Moxxie: Sir--
Blitzo: 'Cause, right now? All I see is just my dad's asshole talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.
Millie: Are you tryin' to crush his dreams, Moxxie?
Moxxie: I-- What?
Millie: *flirtatiously* I thought I knew you.
She playfully sticks her tongue out at him as Moxxie blushes and rolls his eyes affectionately.
Blitzo: I can't believe you, Moxxie!
He tearfully holds up an employee of the month plaque with Moxxie's picture on it.
Blitzo: After I made you employee of the month.
Moxxie: *defeated* Okay, sir! I'm sorry; a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theatre. Nobody actually likes the jingles!
Millie: I liked it.
Moxxie: Do not-- *points at Millie* Do not agree with him in front of me!
The scene cuts to the I.M.P. commercial.
BLITZO: Hi, there! I'm Blitzo! The "o" is silent, and I'm the founder of I.M.P.!
Blitzo gestures to the logo as it appears on the screen, then disappears.
Two pictures of Blitzo in different scenarios show while he speaks.
The first shows him wearing two top hats through his horns, a monocle, and twiddling a fake mustache, while standing outside of a burning building with a sign that reads "Orphanage for Elderly Blind Newborn Dogs" appears.
BLITZO: Are you a piece of shit that got yourself sent to Hell?
The second shows Blitzo wearing an angel costume at a coffeehouse happily throwing an empty coffee cup in a trash can, instead of the recycling bin right next to it.
BLITZO: Or are you an innocent soul who got FUCKED over by someone else?!
The commercial cuts to a demon guy wearing an Ohio sports jersey, giving a testimonial, while Blitzo holds a cardboard sign in frame that reads "Some guy who hired us!!"
DEMON GUY: After lovingly killing my wife for (Demonic Voice) fucking the delivery man, (Normal Voice) you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the state of Ohio killed me! I really wish I could stick it to that (Demonic voice) yappy jogger (Normal voice) who saw me hiding the body!
Blitzo is speaking to the camera and holding a grimoire, while Jack, Moxxie and Millie are arranging lit candles on the floor in a pentagram.
BLITZO (TO CAMERA): Well, luckily for you. Thanks to our company's special access to the living world...
While he speaks, his eyes narrow as he makes a magical gesture with his hand and a flaming portal appears on the floor. Moxxie and Millie run off in surprise. He tosses the grimoire away as he walks up to the portal.
BLITZO (TO CAMERA): We can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over when you were alive!
Blitzo falls backward into the portal.
The scene transitions to a person with their arms crossed and a thought bubble appears depicting another person being crossed out as the commercial jingle plays in the background
SINGER: When you want somebody gone,
A dead body falls near the person as they notice and look up.
SINGER: and you don't want to wait too long
Moxxie, Blitzo, Jack and Millie are shown in a circle logo. Blitzo holds his arms out as Moxxie holds up his rifle, Millie holds up her spear and Jack holds out a sniper rifle. A letter "I" appears to the left of them, while a letter "P" appears on the right of them. The trio together form the letter "M", thus spelling the initials I.M.P.
SINGER: call the Immediate Murder Professionals!
Blitzo, Moxxie, Jack and Millie are inside of their building and Moxxie throws a grenade out the window. The foursome cover where their ears would be as an explosion goes off. A severed arm goes flying.
SINGER: Hand grenade or cyanide,
Blitzo is shown hanging someone with a rope as Millie finishes writing a suicide note.
SINGER: We'll make it look like suicide
Blitzo is shown electrocuting someone, Millie is shown hitting someone on the head with a mace, Moxxie is shown strangling someone and Jack is shown snapping someone's neck.
SINGER: The Immediate Murder Professionals!
The I.M.P. logo spins around quickly as the scene transitions to Blitzo creating a portal to the living world in a wall and then jumping through it. He is followed by Jack and Millie and then Moxxie, who trips over the grimoire and falls into the portal.
SINGER: We do our job so well,
The foursome come up through the other end of the portal and adjust themselves.
SINGER: Because we come straight out from Hell!
The I.M.P. foursome suddenly looks shocked as it appears they have accidentally teleported to a church in the middle of a service. A female preacher and the congregation look back at the demons in confusion and/or fear. One bearded man, however, has his head laid back as he sleeps with earbuds in
Millie and Jack are shown struggling to remove a knife from a naked couple who are in 69 position, while Moxxie tries to look away, and Blitzo examines a pair of panties.
SINGER: We'll kill your husband or your wife
Blitzo stabs someone tied to a chair repeatedly in the head while sporting a goofy expression.
SINGER: We'll even let you keep the knife
A quick sequence then shows the foursome assassinating their targets in numerous horrific ways, such as with a medieval torture chamber, riding a shark, burning someone alive, suffocating someone with a pillow, playing on a grand piano after it crushed someone, and using an electric chair.
In the final scene, the foursome are hiding in a bush in a park and Moxxie is about to shoot a blonde woman looking at her phone from behind.
SINGER: We're the Immediaaaaate... Murderrrrrr... Profession--
Moxxie accidentally shoots a boy passing by, eating an ice cream cone.
EDDIE: AUUUGH!
The boy collapses as Moxxie looks on in shock. Blitzo, Jack and Millie turn their eyes to Moxxie in surprise.
Cuts to a hospital operating room. The boy is wheeled in on a hospital bed by a doctor, a pink-haired nurse, and a blue-haired nurse.
Pink-haired Nurse: *in masculine voice* Doctor, he's not responding!
Blue-haired Nurse: Cool water, stat!
The pink-haired nurse whacks the boy in the face with a bucket of water, doing nothing but leave a large welt on his face.
Blue-haired Nurse: It didn't do anything!
The boy's tongue flops down from his mouth.
Doctor: Dammit! I'm not losing another one.
Everyone has their defibrillator paddles over the boy.
Doctor: CLEAR!
They all zap the boy and he wakes up.
Eddie: (gasps)
Doctor: Holy shit! It actually worked.
Blitzo, Jack, Millie, and Moxxie are waiting outside the boy's hospital room. Blitzo is reading a magazine, while Millie comforts Moxxie, who looks devastated. The doctor comes out of the room with a clipboard.
Doctor: He appears to be in stable condition, but he'll need surgery. *looks up from clipboard* Now, what insurance provider do you freaks have?
Blitzo: The fuck is insurance?
A shot of the outside of the hospital is shown, as a window breaks and the boy's hospital bed flies out. The boy is unconscious in the bed, while Jack, Millie, Moxxie, and Blitzo are holding on for dear life as they plummet screaming to the ground. The bed is stopped by a rope that has become tangled around Blitzo's foot. Blitzo slams his face into the bed, the rope snaps, and they all continue to fall.
SINGER: Kids die for free
The scene cuts back to the boardroom. Millie and Moxxie are sitting across from Jack and Loona, who has her feet up and is watching a video on her phone of Moxxie getting hurt.
Moxxie: I'd like to go on record and say that incident was Loona's fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It's very simple.
Loona: *not looking up* Oh, sit on a dick, Moxxie.
Moxxie: YOU sit! Sit on... a... and the... d-- DO YOUR JOB!!
Blitzo: Hey, now. We don't blame our screw ups on Loona, okay?!
Blitzo hugs and nuzzles Loona, who snarls at him in response.
Blitzo: She didn't do anything wrooooong~
Moxxie: ...Are you kidding me, sir? She's awful!
The scene cuts to a flashback of Loona at her desk, reading a magazine called "Hellhound Monthly". Her desk phone rings with the sound of a cute puppy barking as the ringtone. Loona answers.
Loona: *not looking up* Hello, I.M.P.
Millie: (on phone, panicked) Loona, I got stabbed! Call Mox--
Loona suddenly hangs up, disinterested in the conversation.
Next, she is in Blitzo's office as he presents her with a gift.
Blitzo: Happy Adoption Anniversary, Loonie! I got you a little somethin'.
Loona: Is it a cure for syphilis?
Blitzo: I... Oh...
Loona snatches the present and angrily slams it on the floor.
Loona: THEN, I DON'T WANT IT!
A large swarm of spiders suddenly emerge from the present box and swarm Loona up to her neck.
Loona: UGHHH!
Blitzo: *suddenly hiding outside of the office window* I'm sorry! It was spiders!
Loona: *annoyed, deadpan* Goddammit.
Loona is then shown at her desk, watching an online video of Charlie Magne performing "Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow". Moxxie approaches her with a flyer for "Chub B Gone".
Moxxie: Um, e- excuse me. Did you just fax me an ad for weight loss?
Loona: No.
Moxxie: Wha-- Why- Why would anyone send me this?
Loona: C'mon... *looks up at Moxxie* You know why.
Jack walks into the office and notices the video Loona is watching.
Jack: Hey, that's my sister.
The next scene shows Loona rummaging through the break room fridge.
Loona: Whoever left the fucking... avocado salad in the fridge, I'm taking it, because I have the worst hangover right now!
Loona turns around to face Millie and Jack with a red box in hand as she shuts the fridge door with her foot. She rips off the lid and drinks the salad.
Jack: Why would you drink on a work night?
Loona: *stops drinking* I'm hungover from this morning, dumbass!
Moxxie enters the room and notices Loona with his box.
Moxxie: Isn't that my lunch?
Loona: *drops the box on the floor* Y'know what?! I can't take this assault right now! I need to blow off some-
She kicks the box at Moxxie, knocking him out of the room and surprising Millie and Jack.
Loona: -fucking steam!
Loona runs out of the break room and out into the street.
Loona: AAAAAAAAAAH!
Loona runs up to a succubus lady passing by on the other side of the street, pushing her baby in a stroller. Loona kicks the stroller high into the air and storms off, while the demon lady stands there in disbelief.
The scene transitions to Loona at her desk, telling Blitzo about a caller.
Loona: Bliiiitzo! That clingy, rich asshole is on the phone! Says it's urgent and wants to talk to you! Sounds a little DTF-y.
Cuts to Blitzo and Jack standing by a water cooler.
Blitzo: *throws his cup of water on the floor* Oh, GOD, it was one time! *crosses arms* If I hadn't slept with that privileged asshole, none of us would have access to the living world.
Jack: *stares in stunned silence* ...You what?
The scene cuts to a flashback of Stolas sleeping naked in bed. He is hooting like an owl and there are feathers everywhere. Blitzo, who is partially nude, walks away quietly with the grimoire in hand.
Blitzo: *to himself* Got the booook, got the booook! Got this fuckin' heavy book!
Blitzo reaches Stolas' balcony and lays the grimoire on the ledge. Grunting, he attempts to step up on the ledge using the grimoire. Instead, the combined weight sends both him and the grimoire falling forward off of the balcony.
Blitzo: Oh- Oh, SHIT!!
Blitzo lands on the cake that Stolas' wife and her friends are having, splattering pieces of it all over them.
Blitzo: Oof! (to Stella) Sorry, I fucked your husband.
The scene cuts back to Loona at her desk.
Loona: BLIIIITZO!
Blitzo: I HEARD YOU ALREA--!
The scene cuts to Blitzo in his office, talking with Stolas, and playing with a bobblehead of Moxxie.
Blitzo: Sooooo, what can I do you for this time, Stolas?
Stolas is shown talking on his phone from a fancy mansion.
Stolas: There's a political candidate causing trouble up on Earth for a few of my associates. He's trying to convince people global warming exists!
Blitzo: Doesn't it?
Stolas: Well... yes. But, more people die if nothing is done about it. And it gets lonely here~
Blitzo: Okay, well. Yeah, that makes sense.
Stolas: (through phone) You know what happens when I'm lonely, Blitzy?
Blitzo pulls his phone away and talks to himself.
Blitzo: (under his breath) God-fuckin'-dammit.
Stolas: When I'm lonely, I become hungry. And when I become hungry, I want to choke on that red (beep) of yours... (beep your (beep) and lick all of your (beep), before taking out your (beep), and (beep) with more teeth until you're screaming (long beep) like a FUCKING baby--!
Blitzo, who's visibly disturbed, scene pans to his with Stolas name listed as "creepy mouth (aka one night stand bird dick) with a call total of 48 seconds. as he hangs up, a knock out noise plays. He snaps his cellphone in half, smashes it with his desk phone, tosses said desk phone away, pulls out a blender, puts the cellphone pieces in it, and blends them. Blitzo turns and hands the blender to Loona, who was standing nearby.
Blitzo: Eat this!
Loona drinks the blended cellphone mixture.
Blitzo: And then y'know that bridge over the freeway?
Loona: Yeah? *Loona raises her eyebrow as she says it.*
Blitzo: Have Jack drive you to it and Shit off it!
The flashback ends, and Blitzo is standing by Loona.
Blitzo: Look, the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family, and we don't get rid of family.
Loona looks up from her phone and briefly smiles, touched by Blitzo's words.
Moxxie: We aren't a family, sir! You are the boss! We are the employees! You treat her like she's some troubled teenager! She's more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you let man the phones!
As Moxxie rants, Loona continues looking at her phone, slowly flipping Moxxie off.
Blitzo: That is offensive! Without homeless people, *walks over to window and raises blinds* I wouldn't have HALF the joy and laughter I do in this life!
Jack: *Visibly disappointed* Okay, That's just wrong, Blitzo.
Blitzo puts his face up against the window, cracking the glass, and sees a homeless demon, looking sad and holding up a sign that reads "Monee helps. Satan bless." A succubus is on her cellphone and turns away from the hobo. Blitzo smugly waves at him, before lowering the window blinds.
Moxxie: While we're on the subject of *makes air quotations with his hands* "family", can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work? *Moxxie makes an annoying face at the viewers.*
Jack: And while we're on that subject, Please stop trying to follow me to my place. I always feel like I am about to get shot.
Blitzo: Cmon Jack, you know I lose you after you cross the Pride Ring.
Jack: *Scoffs* Yeah, like that makes it any better.
Millie: Come on, sweetie! It's not that big a deal! *Glass shattering noise plays as Moxxie makes a stocked face.*
Moxxie: Excuse me... *Moxxie looks at Millie* WHAT?!
The scene cuts to a flashback of Moxxie and Millie preparing dinner in their kitchen.
Moxxie: Honey, can you get me the butter?
Millie: Sure, sweetie.
Millie opens the fridge door and finds Blitzo inside as he hands her the gross, viscous butter.
Blitzo: Spoiler alert: the butter's spoiled!
Millie: *giggles*
Moxxie: *throws the diced carrots into the soup* What's funny, honey?
Blitzo: Really impressive wordplay.
Moxxie: WHAT THE--?! WHY ARE YOU IN OUR FRIDGE?!?!
Later that evening, shows a building, Inside their Moxxie and Millie are asleep in bed. The former is tossing and turning as the sound of a cat purring can be heard. Moxxie opens his eyes and sees Blitzo standing on him, looking him right in the eyes.
Blitzo: Whatcha dreamin' about?
Moxxie: I was dreaming my parents were being murdered, but now... I'd like to go back to that.
In the next scene, Moxxie is singing the end of "Oh, Millie", as Millie joins in on some parts.
Moxxie: Of all the imps in Hell, it's for her that I fell
Millie (joins in): *harmonizing* It's for him that I fell
Moxxie: Oh, Millie~
They close their eyes to kiss, but Moxxie hears a beep and notices Blitzo outside the window holding a camcorder.
Moxxie: Are you fucking filming us right now?!
The flashback ends as we cut back to the board room.
Moxxie: Just... stop... doing that!
Blitzo: *shrugs* I don't see what the issue is! There somethin' you don't want me seein'?
Moxxie: *eye twitches in anger* No!
Loona: *snickers at the same time as Blitzo talks*
Blitzo: You a baby-wiener-haver?
Moxxie: Sir, what you say and how you act is totally *stands up from his chair* INAPPROPRIATE!
Millie: *lays her hand on Moxxie's shoulder* Calm down, Mox! You're gonna have another panic attack!
Moxxie: I AM CALM!
Moxxie starts whimpering in anger while looking back at Blitzo
Millie: *comforting Moxxie* Shh-shh-shh. There, there.
Jack: You know, Blitzo, Moxxie does have a point. Sneaking into your employee's house and interrupting their private lives is not my idea of appropriate.
Blitzo: Look, I don't judge the boring couple stuff *motions his hands to imply sexual activity* you do outside work hours. So, don't... judge me!
Moxxie: Oh, I do judge you, sir! Quite a lot, actually!
Millie: Mox, he's our boss!
Blitzo: No-no-no, it's fine Mills, your husband is just... how do I say this without being offensive?
Blitzo: *smiling smugly* ...retarded.
Moxxie: Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single life?
Blitzo: *leans towards Moxxie* It actually does.
Loona: The only reason you have a wife *looks away from her phone to glare at Moxxie* is because you're easy to manage!
Millie slams her hands against the table, looking at Loona with anger.
Millie: No, he's not, you *deeper tone* BITCH! *flips Loona off*
Loona growls at Millie
Blitzo: Do not talk to my receptionist that way! She's sensitive!
Loona: (snaps at Millie] Yes, I am!
Eddie: (offscreen) You guys are all fucking assholes.
Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie, Jack, and Loona's eyes all widen in surprise. They look at Eddie, the boy Moxxie accidentally shot earlier. Eddie is lying on a table with three wires from a heart monitor attached to his stomach.
Blitzo: Oh, shut up, kid! You're lucky to witness this!
Moxxie: *pinches bridge of his nose* Ugh, this company is such a mess!
Blitzo: Alright, let's get back to talking about my outfit.
Jack: Nobody was talking about that!
Blitzo: Which is why I'm tryin' to get that ball rolling. So, how does it look? It's good, right?
Eddie: *points at Blitzo* It's been a literal hell *detaches the tubes of the heart monitor* having to pretend to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn't kill me! But, now I want that. I want death!
He once again points at Blitzo.
Eddie: You are a selfish, greedy clown. And I'm a kid! We're supposed to like clowns! Even the creepy ones! And you! *Points at Jack* You're nothing but a small-dicked asshole that even the girls won't fuck.
Jack: What…? What kind of kid are you?
Moxxie: Hey, now! That's not very--
Eddie interrupts Moxxie, intimidating him.
Eddie: If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass, I'd rip out your spine and ask you some shit.
Millie slams her hand on the table, the other gesturing at Moxxie.
Millie: That's my husband you're talkin' to!
Eddie: (laughs)That's your husband?!
Moxxie and Millie snarl at Eddie.
Eddie: I figured you for a slut. But, I didn't know you needed dick that bad!*points at Loona* And you!
Loona: *Looks up from her phone* What? What about me?
Eddie: Nothing. *crosses arms* I don't talk to dogs. I'm a cat person.
Loona gives Eddie a wide-eyed glare, whines at Eddie with anger, and goes back to looking at her phone.
Blitzo: Wow. Ah, y'know, kid, you kind of are a piece of shit.
Everyone, in unison: *softly* Yeah. He's kind of a piece of shit.
Loona's eyes widen as she receives a text message.
Loona: Oh, fuck! Guys, I just got a text from our client! Guess he was the right target after all.
Blitzo: Who?
Loona: *points at Eddie* Him.
Eddie: (in disbelief) Me?
Loona: *smugly, without looking up* Yup.
Jack: They wanted us to kill an actual child?
Loona: That's what they're sayin'.
Blitzo: ...Well, Christ on a stick. I guess there is a God.
Blitzo draws a flintlock pistol and fires it at Eddie, killing him instantly.
Eddie: OWWWW! *crashes into the wall as he gets shot, covers a spot with blood as he says this, landing on the table while his eyes turn to Xs*
Then blood covers the screen, then reveals Blitzo and Moxxie kicking Eddie's corpse, Millie stabbing him, Jack using acid to melt his face, and Loona recording everything on her phone.
Blitzo: (voiceover) Y'know, folks? With this company, I really wanted to prove that we're capable of doing the same things anyone else can. Like killing people!
Blitzo and Moxxie are shown wearing full hazard gear, dismembering Eddie's body with a hacksaw and chainsaw respectively. Blood splats on the screen again, then shows the group by a dumpster putting Eddie's body parts in a garbage bag.
Blitzo: (voiceover) So, from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money... is gone and you're never getting it back, and you can write us a bad review but we'll play dumb to it, because it's Hell and no one fuckin' cares.
As Blitzo does the voiceover, he hugs Moxxie, Millie, Jack, and Loona, the latter's phone flying out of her hands.
Blitzo: Y'know, even though this kid was a target... he's still a child. And it's important that *wraps his tail lovingly around the group* We handle this going forward respectfully.
The group all smile as the scene cuts to a newscast, showing Eddie's mother tearfully holding up a bad drawing of her son. A male news reporter holds a microphone up to her, looking disinterested. The headline on screen says, "Mom sucks at drawing own kid", while the ticker bar constantly reads "There is a missing boy! Yet another missing kid!"
Eddie's mother: *sobbing* Please! If anyone has seen my little Eddie, please contact us at-- (Eddie's bloody body bag suddenly falls into her arms.) *terrified* OHHH!
Eddie's mother and the news reporter look up in shock as the camera follows their gaze. Blitzo, Moxxie, Jack, and Millie are shown looking down on them through a portal.
Blitzo: *smiles and waves* You're welcome!
The foursome disappears in the portal as it closes.
Note: I don't own any of the characters, all rights are reserved for Vivziepop. This is me expressing my enjoyment for her work.