Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Hazbin Hotel, Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.

Certified D.O.G.

Damned One's Guard

(When?: Where?)

A soul tumbled and whirled around Creation until it was thoroughly discombobulated. Not to mention lost. It hit ground somewhere, and knew immediately, instinctively, it was in the Evilness' clutches.

It also thought that the Pure Lands needed to revamp its guidebook with better terms for what all of this negativity was.

But the soul digresses...It remembered everything of its original life, of the first go it had anyway. The heartache, the joy, the laughter, the tears. All of it was remembered. It couldn't let that go. It refused to. So, it didn't – no, he didn't allow himself to forget.

The soul had a name, and that name was..was..right! It was 'Naruto Uzumaki', y'know! It had –he had a wife and children once, a family past that, too – Uncles! Brothers! A suster! – friends and dearly cherished allies. He loved and missed them all, but none of them would ever remember him. So, he'd let them go.

Naruto would let it all go...but he'd never forget.

"Hey. Psst. You." A voice called to him, sinister and cruel. As he was the essence of a mortal and not physical in presence yet, Naruto lacked any way to express his perplexed point at himself. "Yeah, you. C'mere."

Alright, sure, approach the strange voice in the darkness. That always ended well. ..Ugh, darn curiosity. It always got the best of him!

"You wanna body back, yeah?"

A body?! Yes! Yes, he knew that word and its meaning. Yes, please! One body, thank you very much!

"Shhhh! Not so loud."

Oh, sorry. A body?

"Yeah, right, right." The disembodied shady voice seemed to smirk. "I got one for ya. Just gonna cost you some of that there purity. Maybe some of those memories.."

Hm, that was a hard bargain. Naruto didn't really care about this supposed purity thing – he was a shinobi for Old Man Sage's sake! – but the memories were off the table.

"Oh, but what about those bad sad ones there? Surely you don't need those."

Nope. You can't have 'em. He'd figure out a way to fight the disembodied voice if need be.

"Very well. The purity will suffice...any special requests?"

Was there anything? Well, he was used to being tall, a good deal taller than the average guy around–

"Whoa, easy there, little skillet. I wasn't being serious. Doesn't matter, anyway. You get a base form your subconscious chooses and you can mess around from there. But you won't be human. Unless you want to look that way."

Uh, okay? He would've just used Henge, but–

"Look, I dunno what good a door hinge would do for you, but I've got to make sure one of my sons tries to usurp me in the next five hundred years. I want you to help him back on his feet, and keep an eye on him for me, if you don't mind? He's supposed to help me understand what it is I created and this little rebellion of his is going to backtrack all that, and make me go with plan Epsilon Gamma Omicron, rather than plan Epsilon Rho Omega." The voice sighed. "A shame, I had such high hopes for the E.R.O. Plan…Oh well, have fun, my dear guardian! Oh, and try not to impregnate too many demons! I can't purify all of them!"

Wait, what was that about demons. Naruto wanted details! Where's the fine print?! The contract! The customary deal-sealing ramen?!

"Hm, a deal over food? I wonder if food is good."

Naruto whited out and, due to how souls are designed, forgot this exchange took place...for now.

(Hell)

A winged Angel fell from the heavens toward the unforgivable Lands of Evil, his gorgeous white feathers bled a deep crimson red as his crown burned. He struck down on a frosted landscape, a mountaintop's peak, and groaned. Through bleary eyes, he saw more of his kin follow, and so many burnt up in their descent. He should've listened to the warnings heeded, he knew, for now he felt empty inside. A love he was born with was gone, and he felt hollow.

Just let me die, a small part of him pleaded. Non-existence would be preferable to this aching feeling in his soul. That was swallowed by his fury. He was offended by the indignity of Father, to be cast out when all he'd wanted was to hold the throne properly, temporarily, to lead when He could not after the Plan was enacted. A mere suggestion that the infallible plan was in fact a bit fallible resulted in exile? Fine, he'd live without His love, he'd live from spite alone!

To do that, he needed to get off of this mountain. To move from the cold. He could just call for help, a simple gesture would summon his salvation. It wasn't as if he were too weak to manage it, his labored breaths were evening out as he laid in this crumpled heap, but he would have to suffer so much smug 'I Told You So's. He'd have to deal with the exhausting energetic mutt's near-unbearable kindness.

Fuck it.

He wouldn't let Father's decision hold its sway over him any longer. If he couldn't have His love, he would have His ire. The Angel's lips pressed together and a piercing whistle was blown. He'd not have to wait a full minute before powder exploded into the air nearby. Another beat and two orange paws walked into view.

Red eyes looked up into sad blues.

"Lucifer...What did He do to you?"

"...He kicked me out of my Home." Lucifer let out a shuddered breath, one that could be mistaken for a sob if they didn't know him well. Thankfully, the newcomer did know him; they had both cried and laughed together many times before He planted the seeds for the garden. He was one of the two souls he could trust in existence. Red eyes closed. "I...I don't have anywhere...anyone else."

"You're wrong." Red eyes opened to meet the stormy blues once more. "You've got us, and we've got you."

"...Thank you."

"Don't mention it." The Hound knelt and put a gentle set of claws on his shoulder. He was rolled onto his still bleeding wings and carefully picked up. "I'll take you to Lil's. She'll get you fixed up."

"You're a good dog."

"I could always drop you, dick."

Lucifer winced through the laugh that sputtered out. He allowed his eyes to close and his mind to go blank. Thoughts of what to do next could wait until he was breathing normally again.

(Lust, Ozzie's)

Ozzie's club wasn't party central, but a classier cabaret. It was mandatory to bring a date, to enhance the experience, but one attendee had abused status to get in as any natural Hellborn should. It was reported back to the Sin, who made his way out to find this rule-breaker. For a demonic entity of his size and stature, Asmodeus could slink around like the best of them. After all, Lust sprung up on everyone from time to time.

He spotted the interloper within moments.

Perched at a table along the far wall, alone, where he could watch the performances while he nursed a drink, alone, sat what looked like a Hellhound. Orange and cream fur blended to make him resemble a fox – Bee-Lzebub had given him a rundown of the creatures on earth a few millennia ago, back when some of the Sins started to warp and shift form without any desire to, himself included – and he was dressed like an off duty guard of a military, an unbuttoned white dress coat with tassels at the shoulders and a plethora of combat ribbons on the breast of the coat in all the right places. What was truly striking, however, was the seal design that kept the tassels in place and lined the collar of the coat.

The seal of one Lucifer Morningstar, the King of Hell.

Asmodeus made himself known immediately. Hellborn or not, Lucifer's Seal was not thrown about lightly and rarely was it seen outside of Pride, aside from any decrees. He had to question this one, he had to know what this Hellhound was thinking, before he took him up to Wrath. Just as he opened his mouth, the Hellhound spoke first.

"What do you want, Oz?"

Asmodeus' six eyes blinked. He knew that voice. Bright blue eyes looked up at him and recognition threatened to flare. It couldn't be…

"Naruto?" He ventured, addressing the constant friendly bodyguard that Lucifer 'claimed' he couldn't shake. Asmodeus suspected the two had something on the side – Levithan called him a hopeless romantic when he brought it up one poker night; they were just jealous of the thought, he was pretty sure – because the blue-eyed, blond-haired near-angelic humanoid was always present whenever Lucifer and Lilith had to make an appearance. Or hosted an orgy. Now that he thought of it, Asmodeus could never accurately remember where and how the guard performed during those orgies afterward, though; some kind of side effect from the uppers that laced their drinks, Bee hypothesized.

Anyway, the loyal demon wouldn't leave Lucifer's side. He definitely wouldn't come down to Lust. He certainly shouldn't look like a Hellhound–

"Oh no, I've been spotted. Again. Luce's gonna be miffed." The Hound, Naruto, huffed before his lip curled back to expose some rather large fangs. "Fuckin' ungrateful, self-absorbed douche."

"..I..Is that really you?"

"The fuck do yo–? Oh the, Hellhound thing. Yeah. This is me." Naruto gestured at himself and knocked back another deep gulp of his Beelzejuice. He pulled it from his lips and smacked them. "Well, restricted, anyway. Not that I should fucking bother, because our agreement is fucking null and void–!"

An overwhelming pressure filled the club and Asmodeus flinched. Yep, that was definitely Naruto. He put fucking Satan on edge whenever he was in a room. Just a flare of his power tended to shut others up, and reel Lucifer in from whatever rant he'd found himself on. Or totally arouse them by the sheer amount of power he unleashed.

"Naruto–?!" Asmodeus held his hand up as he took a step back. "Could you–?"

"Fuck, sorry. Sorry, everyone! Sorry, Oz." Naruto winced as he put a cap on that...power before he went back to his drink. Great. Now Asmodeus had a boner, talk about awkward. The Hellhound dropped his head onto his arm with a groan that turned into a whine. "I just wanted to...unwind. Quietly. Alone."

"You uh...would you like to talk about it?" Asmodeus asked as he took a seat across from the Hellhound-looking Hellborn. Blue eyes glowered up at him and he shrugged. "I really just need a reason not to kick you out."

"Well, I won't be long. Lemme just finish this drink."

"C'mon, man. We've ...kind of known each other for millennia." Even if everything Asmodeus knew about him was speculation at best and boasting from Lucifer at worst. "So, just tell me, what's eating you?"

"You really wanna know?"

"Well, yeah."

"Long story short? Our idiot King thinks he knows what's best for his subjects and I got fuckin fired for having the gall to suggest otherwise." He snorted. "As if I wasn't already his fucking advisor, well he can just fuck off back to his ducks. Bastard."

What.

The.

Fuck.

"Is this about that Heaven thing?" Asmodeus asked. He knew Lucifer had been in talks with the Heavenly Host about something about Sinners, but to know it led to the firing of a demon that was as old as or older than Hell itself was...Asmodeus' six eyes widened. "Wait, is that what those quakes were last week?! You two were fighting?!"

"That was us havin it out in Pride, yeah. I think we might've fucked Imp City up a bit." Naruto muttered as he played with the Beelzejuice bottle. He scoffed. "Bastard accused me of telling Lilith to get space and trying to fucking usurp him. If I wanted to go through that sort of shit with my best friend, again, I would have done it millennia ago. Nah, I'll leave that shit to Satan to fail at."

"...What?"

"Fuck, you didn't hear that." Naruto groaned into his hand. He sighed and flicked the bottle he had drunk. It flickered black before it vanished, no residue, no damages, just gone – Sweet merciful fuck. Naruto stood up and that was a tight fucking shirt he had on beneath that tight jacket. Damn. "Forget it. Thanks for the shoulder, Oz. I guess I'll just go wander the other six rings a bit. Figure out what to do now."

His fur and eyes flared with golden light before he vanished, not unlike the bottle that had sat before him. Asmodeus sat there, dumbfounded by the glimpse of power he'd had gotten of the demon, before he rushed back to his office.

He needed to talk to Lucifer.

Now.

(Sloth)

All that effort to get into Oz's place and all he has to show for it is a fucking buzz and smaller wallet. He can't even stay drunk after he drowns his sorrows at a club, some demon he is. Naruto sighed and wandered around the chilly ring of Sloth, his breath visible in the air. He had a place near St. Ann's that he could crash at, a small nook unmarked on a map that had all sorts of supplies and bags. It'd been a couple of years since he last checked on it, four maybe? It was probably due for restocking.

A series of honking horns had him look back up the road he'd already walked past, where an nearing semi swerved across lanes. Lucky fucker behind the wheel had to be wasted. A sharp yelp had him look to his immediate left, where a wild pack of pups – wasn't there an orphanage in Sloth for them to stay in? – fled from the street, in doing so, leaving one of their own behind.

A small lavender husky-like Hellpup with a curled tail tried and failed to get back on her feet. One ankle looked limp and her arms were still too short for her to make the most of a quadruped run. More horns had him look back at the approaching semi. Faint whines and pleas had him look back at the lavender puppy. His head swiveled back and forth two more times before his eyes sharpened and his shoulders squared.

A flare of golden light lit up the darkened skies of Sloth, and he had himself wrapped around the Hellpup just as the semi's cab would've barreled into her. The cab of the eighteen-wheeler crumpled, a body – an Imp; durable little fucker would likely just have some killer road rash – flew from the driver's seat and tumbled across the road. Naruto cut the lightshow before cameras spotted him and ran – with the puppy in his arms; he might be a high born demon, but he wasn't a monster – off of the street.

"You okay, Pup?" He looked over the shivering pup as he sat her on the ground. Her red eyes were wide as she stared up at him. Her tail curled into her belly and she let out a high pitched keen. Naruto grimaced as her eyes started to water. "Shit, I'm sorry. Dumb question. Where's your..?"

He didn't bother to finish asking when the puppy started to whimper and whine. She clung onto him and he adjusted his hold on her to become a more comfortable hug. Salty tears mottled his neck fur as he stroked his claws through greasy, unkempt and fur.

"You're okay, kiddo. Shh. I've got you."

"They left me..they left me!" Watery red eyes looked up at him. "I hurt Muh ankle and they left me!"

"I know, kid. It sucks, but it's a survival tactic," he said as he pet her head. Her eyes constricted and she whined. He smiled at her. "Don't worry, that's not what I'm going to do. I'm going to take you to see an old friend of mine that'll help your ankle feel better. But first, introductions. My name is Naruto. What's yours, sweetie?"

"M-Maureen."

"Well, that's a pretty name! Ready to go get your ankle looked at, Maureen?"

The little she-hound, she couldn't be more than eight years old at the most, nodded her head. Naruto smiled and picked her up again.

"Alright, then let's go see Queen Belle." The puppy gasped and he chuckled. "Don't worry, I'll wake her up, you just hang on tight, okay?"

"Hang on?"

"Tight." He grinned and crouched down. Embers of golden light flickered along his coat. "Ready? Three..Two..One-GO!"

He launched after speeding through the last of his warnings. The puppy's yelp was hilarious, but as they careened through the sky, he felt her tightened posture relax and felt her fear of him fade away.

(Gluttony)

"Had him twice last week. She was fun but we did it last night. Nah, too immature, needs more cooking 'fore I start hookin'. That one has no skill, and I gave her a week to learn. Hot, but not a fulfilling ride." Perched on one of her mansion's banisters overlooking the wild party animals she so loved to please and be pleased by, Queen Bee-Lzebub kept scoping out potential ruts for the night. Her lips curled at the sight of a big black hound walking down the street with a little blue bitch at his side. "Hello prime prospect pounding partner! Are you open or looking?"

Ever since her generational pick of the year Hughie Mann bit the dust last month – picked a fight with the wrong Imp, some little spitfire in Wrath named Mills or something; oh well, that was the downside to having relationships with hot-blooded Hellhounds, they liked fun, food, fights and fucks but oftentimes those last two was what did them in – she'd been cycling through partners faster than participants in the Tour du Franc. None of them had really satisfied her cravings though. She wanted a loyal partner, or at least one open to an open relationship – being cheated on sucked, regardless of demonic rank, and she tried to avoid causing those bad vibes whenever she could – and most Hellhounds fit that criteria. She also wanted someone who was fun and could handle her boisterous bluntness.

That big black boy down there was chock full of muscles that could probably handle her. Shit, she'd bet he was down to clown and let her fool around.

"Hm, I should use that." Bee hummed and bobbed her head as she pondered how to fit that into a song or something. Then jumped back onto the thoughts of how to approach big dark and studly down there. His little side piece looked like a pretty plump partier, maybe she could get a two-fer? When's the last time she had a long term ménage-a-trois? Hm, on second thought, those tended to harbor some serious issues she really wanted no part of. So, does she just snatch him up now, or does she wait until he shows up at one of her parties? Ugh, but who knows when that could be?

Bee's ears went erect as a sudden burst of the sweetest Vibes possible tore her attention away from the big black beefcake. Her wings buzzed and she shot up from the banister to seek out the source. She zeroed in on the happy yips and squeals that came from the same direction as those Sweet Puppy Vibes, all thoughts of the potential rut shunted to the side. Four blocks away, near the defunct failed attempt of a school for puppies, a large pack of Hell Puppies were laughing and playing with a large, stacked orange Hellborn pretending to be a Hellhound that she'd never seen before. It was so fucking cute and Bee loved to see some of the many orphan Hellpuppies being so happy–! ..Wait, hold on, something about what she just summarized didn't add up.

Happy Hellpups, that was fine.

Playing at the abandoned school, also okay if a bit concerning. If a pup got hurt though, she wouldn't be happy. No body in Hell wanted to deal with an unhappy Bee.

With an unknown, massive Hellborn that was not a true Hellhound. How did she know that? Well, he was too strong to be a Hound, for one thing. And…No, actually, that was pretty much it.

...Right!

Stranger danger!

Bee got spicy real fast as she zipped over to make this pretend pup spill his guts. No one threatened her Hell puppies or her source of the Sweetest Vibes and lived to talk about it. It's why she organized the Orphanages the way she did...until she got bored and most of the puppies grew out of the system for some reason. Why didn't anyone want to adopt the puppies? They were so fucking cute, way fucking cuter than Queefs! Bee just didn't get what was so special about those fuckin walking nugget snacks.

What was she doing again?

"It's Queen Bee!" A few excited squeals tore her from her thoughts of maiming and Queef eating as she hovered above the large pack of Hell Puppies. She smiled down at them and soaked up their adoration along with their latent joyful Vibes before her eyes went back to the Strange Orange Not-Hellhound.

Ah, yes, her priority: Puppy Protection.

"Hello, puppies!" She called to the lot as she landed down near them. Some scampered up to her on the spot and she just couldn't resist giving them all of the scratches and love that she could muster, which was quite a bit with her four arms. It took about ten minutes before their excitable nearly endless-interest in meeting a Sin face to face waned and they sought something else to do.

One adorable little thing with a Husky-like base and a periwinkle coat lingered in the back, a blatant want for some of Queen Bee's love radiated from her, but a fear of something – the other puppies, maybe? – kept her at bay. Normally, Bee might be a little concerned with that, but was where she lingered though that drew out Queen Bee's most possessive, protective spices.

The little pup all but clung to the stranger Not-Hellhound's leg, which, really, was not a bad sign, but it wasn't exactly great either.

Still, demon that she was, Bee used that as her opening to move. She cut the distance between herself and the unconcerned, strange demon that smelled really fucking good now that she was closer – almost kind of familiar, too. Whatever, he could breathe for another minute, there was a shy little bundle of fluff she wanted to gush at –

"And what's your name, sweetling?" The Queen of Gluttony asked the puppy, smiling at her.

"M-Maureen."

"Well, isn't that a pretty name?" Bee cooed as she crouched down near her. When the Pup whined and scooted back, the Sin glanced up at the Not-Hellhound to give him a once over – and maybe her eyes lingered on the bulge visible in his dark jeans for a second, or two, but no one could prove anything, so eat a dick! – and a silent warning. She was surprised to find him watching her, his claws minutely flexed and those firm muscles beneath that tight blue shirt - with a red spiral on it? weird logo, but whatever. Dead demon could like what he liked unless it was Puppies – tensed, and showed that he was ready to intervene. It was those damn blue eyes, though, that really shook her. They were fuckin gorgeous, and Bee...Bee really wanted to know what his 'o' face looked like.

After, of course, she got the puppy away from him. She's a Sin, not a monster. Bee looked back at Maureen with a big friendly smile.

"So...Who's your friend, Cupcake?" She asked the little cutie.

"..." The puppy hesitated – props to this little bitch, going quiet against Bee's smile was not a talent most puppies had – and looked up at the Stranger. He caught the look and his features relaxed. A smile of his own crossed that rideable, rounded, cream-colored muzzle.

"It's okay, 'Reen. We're all friends here." Shit, that was a sexy voice. The sexy-voiced Not-Hellhound Stranger's stupid pretty blue eyes met Bee's red once more and they flared with...something. Something extremely familiar. If only Bee could remember where she'd seen that something before..."Aren't we, Bee-Lzebub?"

"Course we are!" Bee grinned just as dangerously at him as she did before, and he just kept fucking smiling. Oh, so the strange hottie masquerading as a Hellhound wanted to play games? Alright, Bee would play games. She'd even fucking win, too! The prize she's gonna win depends on how the puppy answers her questions. She smiled back down at the little cutie patootie that was trembling in her little dirty clothes and fur and why was this adorable little thing dressed like that and radiating sheer fear?! Seriously, what the fuck? Did she have to go have a follow up interview with Matron Wilkes? Because Bee fucking would.

No. No, no, hold on to that Spice for another day, Bee. That needed to wait until the strange Not-Hellhound was dealt with. Or fucked. Either way, it needed to wait.

"I just wanna know his name, Cupcake. That's all. Can't go around meeting new Hellhounds if I don't know their names, right?" Bee asked with a grin. The little puppy mulled it over before she whined up at the stranger. Looking to him for advice. The shit was up with–?

"It's really okay, Maureen. You can tell her my name." The Stranger smiled down at the puppy. Her tail gave a small wag – Guh, Bee just couldn't get over how cute some pups could be! Yep, this one was getting some Queen Bee focus as soon as possible – before she looked back at Bee.

"Th-this is Naruto."

Bee's smile froze on her face. She knew that name. Every Sin knew that name. That was the name of Lucifer's cute, stoic little bodyguard. Oh, he was friendly enough, but always turned down invites to join in on fun times. Her eyes drifted up to the stranger's blue eyes, and she subtly scented the air around him.

The most prominent? Amusement. Pure, unadulterated, amusement radiated off of him. A soft swishing told her his tail – did he really have a tail or was this some sort of disguise? The Naruto she knew might've looked more like a member of the Morningstar brood (pale skin, golden hair, humanoid boringness) but he'd always had that cute little puppy look to him. Something about that demon called out to her, and whenever he turned her down, she'd let it go since he was Lucifer's; but if this wasn't the same Naruto, well, he became even more suspicious – was wagging. The smile on his face was more natural, easy-going and confident all the same.

"...Naruto? Hm, not a lot of demons with that name." Bee managed as she glanced back at the cute puppy that was all but clinging to 'Naruto's leg. "Why don't you go play with the others, cupcake? Queen Bee needs to have a chat with Naruto."

"...Do I have to?" Fuck, Bee hated it when puppies whined. It always tore at her black heart and brought down her mood.

"Tell you what," 'Naruto' said, looking down at Maureen. He twisted his wrist and with a flash of golden light – yeah, chances are this is the same Naruto – a rubber ball popped into existence. The pup's red eyes zeroed in on the new toy, but darted back to the stranger's when he continued speaking. "You go roundup some of the others and I'll teach you guys a new game."

"A new game?" Maureen's tail started to wag. It stopped and she glanced at the cheering pups nearby. "But what if–?"

"If anyone starts anything again, they don't get the play and they won't get to learn." Naruto told her. He tossed her the plain looking ball and nodded to the pack. "Get about nine more, at least, okay? Me and Queen Bee will be right here.

"Okay..." Maureen gulped and reluctantly hurried off. Bee frowned as she watched her go. That pup's vibes were all wrong-

"Her mother died last month while they were on a grocery run. Prioritized her safety, didn't get a stab wound looked at soon enough and bled out. Father's been out of the picture since day one. She's been on the streets of Sloth for three week." Naruto summarized the puppy's backstory in a way Bee didn't ask for and almost hated knowing now. Why wouldn't the mother just give her up? Why isn't the puppy comfortable around others? She didn't know enough, but that could all come after her priority questions.

"Did you cast an illusion on yourself or something?" Bee frowned. His features had the right kind of thing going for Hellhounds – all the right kinds of things, Bee was kind of miffed he wasn't a real hound; she'd ride that doggy dry – but they felt off.

"Small one. How've you been, Queen Bee?" He asked. Bee scowled, oh he was gonna try and play the friendly face? After he got called out for basically lying and not dropping it? Uh-uh, it didn't matter how cute he was, this was serious.

"Don't pretend you don't know what I meant, asshole." She stood up and crossed her arms as she glared up at him. It was weird to glare up at Luci's bodyguard rather than down, the Naruto she was used to was a shrimp. A cute shrimp, sure, but a shrimp all the same.

"I don–? Oh, the bodyguard thing?" The Not-Hound shrugged. "Yeah, well, Douchifer isn't the most graceful when his "best friend's" actual height is twice his Short King size."

"No shit, I knew that, but what I meant was for you to ditch the fucking illusion." The Sin growled. She could feel her repressed spice start to seep out again.

"...Alright, but you get to explain it to them if they get wigged." Naruto shrugged and a giant cloud of smoke erupted around him. She sucked that smoke down – sweet fuck, that shit tasted as good as the best Party Vibes she'd ever had! – once it cleared and he'd barely changed. He even seemed a bit taller than before. His muzzle was a little longer, as were his ears, and his tail was bushier than before. If anything, he looked just a little more fox-like. Blue sclera eyes with golden irises gleamed down at her while the cream-coated muzzle curled up into a small smirk. "Satisfied?"

"Never." Bee frowned as she zipped around him, poking and prodding at the disguise. It was really fucking lifelike, she'd give him that, what with all the soft but firm muscles spread around him, but still. "I said drop the illusion, jackass. What, you and Luci have a fight so you don't wanna be his twinsy anymore?"

"Didn't I just explain that?"

"No."

"Could've sworn I said the insecure Douchifer couldn't handle me being twice his size." Naruto repeated dryly. Bee stopped inspecting the large spread of his shoulders – she could spread out and nap on that broad back space between those boulder-like shoulders, sweet fuck! – and her hands paused mid-caress as she absorbed those words.

"...You really look like this?"

"Did I fucking stutter?" He deadpanned. Sweet hateful fuck. If he was always disguised before, then...Oh, fuck you and your shit insecurities, Lucifer! Bee should have never been denied such a bounty as the one before her now! She definitely lost all sympathy for him for Lilith's bailing.

Charlie would have to get the rest of that in his stead.

"Damn. And I say this as a connoisseur of the damned..." Bee zipped around to grin into the other demon's face. "You're fine as fuck."

"Thank you, I guess?" Naruto arched a brow. He crossed those deliciously large arms – those fuckin pythons could probably leave her Spicy-form's backdoor gaping, hot damn! – across that scrumptious firm set of barrels he called a chest. "So, third degree over?"

"Mm, almost." Bee brought her legs up as she lounged in the air, chin propped on two of her hands while the other two pointed at the demon before her. "What are you doing all the way down in Gluttony's looking this fine without either of the Morningstars nearby?"

Unless they were, in which case, Bee had a whole new set of issues she had to worry about. If it was Lucifer, he was just probably doing some random bullshit because he was bored, but if it was Charlie...Ugh, she loved that girl like the niece she was, but she was such a fucking Crusader. That shit got old centuries ago. Maybe it was a coping mechanism? Meh, that's Luci's problem.

"I got fired, decided to wander the Rings before I look for a new job."

"...You didn't find anything in Wrath?" Satan should have snatched Naruto up in a heartbeat if he could. Dude was all about the powerful shit like that. Plus, he always lamented about not having a proper gym bro. Bee would just for that potential eye candy getting all sweaty, but...she'd much rather party her excess away. It was more fun.

"I'm not big on wastelands." He shrugged. "And not many Imps want to hire some 'giant, overfed Hellhound'."

"You didn't see Satan?"

"Nah, I saw him. He's actually starting some anger management now, or he's on his third therapist for it now. I kind of forget which he said," Naruto said as he scratched his jaw. "Something about Lucia not being interested in hotheads."

"Lucia?"

"A Drake."

"Oh." Bee didn't realize those still existed. They were extremely powerful elder demons, so powerful that even the Sins themselves had a hard time going up against them. Figures Satan would be into that. Why wouldn't he tell her though? Well, it's not like they chat all the time, and she tended to zone out a lot whenever he talked. What? He was eye candy. Just like the sexy slab of meat before her.

"You looked in Envy and Sloth?"

"Despite Belle's offers, no. I'm not any kind of medic and while I don't mind swimming or Levithan's weird insistence on outing herself mid-conversation, that ring has a smell, y'know?"

"Point." Bee shrugged. She didn't like to party in Envy for that reason too. All four of her hands rested along her chin. "You see Mams?"

"Nah, Greed doesn't really do anything for me." Naruto curled his lip and huffed. "Same with Lust. They bring up bad memories. Although, I did stop by Oz's place for a drink after Lucifer canned me."

That left Pride and Gluttony, and since he was fired from the former...

"So, what do you want to do?" Bee grinned. She could totally hire him on herself, but she didn't need a hottie around her twenty-four seven to protect her smoking bod. Not that Lucifer did either, but image was everything for him. Granted, she wouldn't complain if any Hellborn did that for her willingly. "Because I could find you a gig, at least."

"Eh, can't be worse than any of my past gigs I had after the last few times Lucifer and I fought." Naruto rubbed his jaw and continued when she tilted her head. "Let's see, I had to guard the gates in Greece. There was that time I played glorified escort in Egypt – that scale thing got really old, really fast. Although, I had a lot of fun with that Jotünn clown when they were big. That, and I learned more about myself when they changed mid-fuck...weird that they called me a 'daddy' though."

Bee blinked. She knew all of those stories. And what they entailed. And what that meant. And now she was starting to get so fucking pissed! Dammit, she'd wanted to have a taste of Cerberus, Anubis and Fenrir since she heard about those 'Hell Hounds', but Lucifer told her they weren't real! Fucking lying motherfucker, why did she ever listen to him?!

"So, what's the gig?"

"Huh?"

"You were offering me a job?" He glanced past her and his arms relaxed. "Might want to hurry, my attention is about to be occupied for at least the next thirty minutes."

Yips and barks and the approaching Vibes of excited Hell Puppies tore Bee out of her own head. Right, he was teaching a small pack of pups a new game. That would make the puppies happy. That would make Bee happy and give her amazing Vibes to eat.

She just had an amazing idea, and it didn't involve sex, drugs or parties! Well, it might result in them, but semantics.

"...Oh, uh, yeah...Maybe we can talk about details over dinner?" she asked, moving in close to him again. She grinned when she got a whiff of interest in his scent. Score! Three off of her bucket list in one go? Who said that King Kaiju Cock was the reigning champion of sex in Hell? They better count that tally again!

"Sure, but, you're buying." He smirked. He tugged at his tight jeans' pockets. "I got nothing but knives and lint on me."

"It's a date." Bee tittered with a toothy grin. She landed again to scoop up any willing puppies for more hands on loving while the rest crowded excitedly around Naruto and Maureen, who hid behind him once again, new toy ball still in her cute little claws. Bee watched the not-Hellhound interact with the pups and nibbled on her lip. She all but pierced through her own flesh when, in the midst of explaining something called 'Doge Ball', the hound-like demon erupted into smoke again.

After she ate it – that shit was so fucking good! Another pro in her mounting list of why she should snatch him up – and cleared the air, there were two Narutos standing where one had been...but still only one Maureen, so it wasn't another illusion. It was real, physical, and had its own diluted copy of his scent. The implications had her go very still. He could duplicate himself legit and it wasn't just some hocus pocus light bending bullshit that Lucifer threw around!

Yep, Bee had the perfect job for him. And she was having dinner with him later? She grinned and leered at the identical duo as they split the pack and led them to opposite sides of the overgrown schoolyard.

AN: "Oh yeah, it's all coming together." - Kronk (Patrick Warburton), The Emperor's New Groove (2000)

Here it is, the redemption fic! …No not for Naruto, sorry, for myself. To prove I can write a good Bee. Er, I mean, a "good" Bee.

And look, Vortex doesn't even know her yet! Not cucked, not forced out mid-relationship, just…not there. Exists! But not there.

Yet.

Also, did you guys catch what really inspired this intro chapter? If not, you might want to Look Up a Decent Current trailer that dropped a few days ago. It's really...Super, man.

(yeah, I did just write that)