2
"The river."
"Lucy, you can keep repeating yourself or tell me before I go to Gwen and get the Gwen Version which will be much… much… worse. Just… tell me it wasn't John driving again when he doesn't even have a fucking license."
"OK. It wasn't John driving."
Ianto stood there continuing to bore a hole in her head in that weird way that always seemed to be murderous and she broke easily "OK…ok. So… no one was driving… technically."
"Technically?"
"Well… John was hanging out the driver's door shooting… so he had been driving previously… Simon was hanging out the other door… does it really matter which door was being hung out of by whom?" she asked with wide eyes.
"What were they shooting at?"
Now she pulled a face that he REALLY did not like. "Lucille Ball Beckett!"
"Oh god. Don't… don't do the Tad thing to me…. Well… fuck. They were helping UNIT with an escapee. OK?" she waved her arms around and then turned back to her screen, clicking a button to show the dashcam footage that was hard to watch given the fact the SUV was going over curbs, bushes… a zombie … wait… if it drove over a zombie… there is another…. Oh shit. Ianto watched two fucking zombies still running, a small dog in the hands of one of them. As the SUV veered the thing bit into the bog's neck and that is when John left the vehicle all together, running while firing and screaming with horror at the death of the dog.
OK.
So... no one was driving.
Got it.
"Tell me they at least got the Zs."
"Yeah… bagged and tagged."
Ianto nodded and then felt a strange coldness deep in the pit of his gut "Lucy… which SUV is that? The code stamp is listing it as BB. Tell me they didn't take Jack's Black Beauty."
"Ah…." She sighed "Do we have to do this bit again?"
Ianto felt the cold become hot. Raging hot as he looked up at the ceiling and counted in his head before snarling "The tell me they DID get everything out of the glovebox."
She stared at him.
Mute.
"FUCK!"
.
.
John stood on the riverbank staring down into the water with a look of disgust "Come on Eye Candy. Do you even know what is in that water? I know you will not die but…. Ewwww… what about me? What if something in there crawls up my … you know… hole. Besides, I can't swim."
Ianto blinked slowly at him, then turned to look at Jack who then turned to his left as well "Rex. Get in there."
"What?"
"Yeah… get in there."
"I can't swim either."
Ianto made a rude noise and started to toe off his shoes as Jack groaned and started to do the same "No Tiger. I will go. Our little girl is still breastfeeding, and you might pick up something."
Ianto knew he was right, but he could only turn and glare at John who had the good grace to step back from the water before he was shoved in there…. Accidentally.
Jack disappeared into the water and Ianto stood there with arms crossed as John complained "I don't get the problem anyway. It's just an SUV. We trash them all the time."
"This one is Jack's personal one. You know it is, the keyring even says BB on it. You took the one SUV that is NOT for others to use" Ianto said in a dry growl "And now we have this problem."
"I don't get it, it's just…" John's voice petered out and Ianto let his eyes rise from the water to see what had made John freeze like that. OH good. Brilliant. Zombies. Coming at them fast.
Ianto pulled out his weapon and opened fire from where he stood like it was no big deal as Rex started to run for the small bridge that would be the only way to cross from that side of the river to where they were and John? John squealed and did the only thing he thought would be a god idea.
He jumped into the water.
Ianto paused shooting to reload and look at the man now floundering in the water as apparently Jonh was not lying… he really couldn't swim. Rex then jumped in to show he could swim after all, puling the tit out as Jack finally appeared with a whoop of glee and the tiny pink Binky in his hand, held high to show he had retrieved their daughter's favourite one.
"Oh. Pinky Binky. Shit, I didn't even think of that" John said as he sat dripping on the side of the river and Ianto roared (from the other side where he had run and checked the re-deadness of the zombies) that John was a fucktard.
Jack grimaced "Ianto is not going to forgive this in a hurry. IT will have to be decontaminated now. If it smells or tastes different she will not take it and you know what it will be like if she doesn't have this come bedtime tonight!"
"Shit."
.
.
"I don't know" Ianto said for the third time as he held up the newly cleaned Binky, then at the identical one Jack had in his hand to compare.
"Well, if she doesn't take it, we can try a bait and switch" Jack shrugged.
"Right, go shove it in the bottom of her cot so it looks like it was there the whole time. She will have to be there to find it and she might be… wait. Rub it on the cheese block first." Ianto pointed at the fridge.
"The cheese block?" Beckett asked.
"Yeah, her binky had this weird smell to it from the milk formula she drinks when Ianto hasn't had time to express for her" Jack nodded.
"Well… let's try."
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Mum died last night so posting will be more weird for a while sorry... but i will be back.