Chapter 4 - Step one: set up a date

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Second week of the small tour

"Rise and shine sunshine… Or should I say raincloud?"

"Hmmmpf." It's too damn early. Who is dumb enough to wake me up before noon? And why did they open my curtains so brutally fast?

… Why is Quinn in my house, staring at me, on my side of the bed?! Why did I ever give that girl a key to my sacred house! She woke me up like this one too many times. I've had it!

"Nope, no time for that grumpy. Get up." She commands, ignoring my bad temper.

I clear my throat, trying to get it less dry. "What's the time?"

"It's almost 1 PM." She starts talking a bit louder. I'm not really moving though, I'm perfectly fine where I am… until she pulls away my sheets. "Come on. I want to have lunch together … or breakfast for you I guess."

"HEY! What if I slept naked?"

She's not impressed. "Is that always your excuse when I pull away your sheets? Get a new one, this one's getting old. Besides … Wouldn't be the first time I saw you naked… unfortunately."

"Pff. Just give me a minute, go make some coffee." I throw my pillow at her.

"I don't know why, but I already made you a cup." Don't ask me how she did it, but she easily dodges my pillow. "I'm too good for you. And nope, I'm not giving you a minute. A minute becomes an hour, becomes being late. Besides … Brittany asked if we could come a bit earlier, she had some suggestions about your show or something."

Suddenly I feel much more awake. I almost jump out of bed, practically falling over my own legs to get to the kitchen for my cup of coffee. I hear Quinn grumble something between her teeth about Brittany and that she should be the one to get me out of bed.

I decide to ignore whatever she was trying to say. It's too early.

After sipping a part of my coffee (not the best I've had by the way, she always puts too much sugar and too little milk in it). I try to walk towards my bathroom to take a quick shower. Quinn stops me for a moment.

"Hurry up San, I really do want to have some one on one time with you, it's been ages."

My morning grumpiness disappears when I hear her take on that tone. It's her 'I want to be honest about something, even though it involves feelings'.

I stop walking. "Missed you too these past few weeks. It's such a busy schedule." She doesn't really say anything and I try to read her body-language. "You sure you're alright Q? Want to talk about it?" My voice lowers to a more gentle level.

"Uh I'm okay. I think." She clears her throat, before putting on a tougher exterior. "Plus, I definitely want to talk to you about a particular blue eyed blonde …"

I run away towards the bathroom "Nope, no no, can't hear you."

"Wow, real mature San!"

…

A small café near Santana's apartment

After ordering a milkshake and toast for me, Q and I try to find a good spot in the diner. We find a small booth, a bit closured from the rest of the crowd. I love this place. It's called Luke's corner, and it's just a five minute walk from my home!

Nobody, not the fans, not the paparazzi, have figured out I'm a regular around here. I don't know how that's possible, but I'm glad about that. This place is sacred for me. It saved my life multiple times by serving coffee at all hours of the day!

Once settled I see Quinn engrossed in her phone, so I try to swap it away from her. Unfortunately I'm too slow.

"Hey, watch it Satan!"

I put my hands defensively in the air. "Geez relax Q, I was just teasing."

She just rolls her eyes in response, not giving a snarky comment back. That's not normal.

I huff. "Come on Quinn, spit it out. What's going on with you? You've been … distant the last few weeks. And I know it's more than about a busy schedule." I try to make eye contact, but she's avoiding me. "Q, you're making me worried."

She gives a big sigh before answering. "It's Sam."

"Hold up, big trouty mouth Sam? Sam the ex-boyfriend Sam? Sam who broke your heart by moving back to Lima instead of giving New York a chance? That SAM?!"

"Easy San" She looks around embarrassed. "Don't put attention on us." She makes a hand-gesture to avoid me getting worked up. Yeah right, like that's supposed to make me calm down. "And yeah, that Sam."

"Well that's easy. Delete him." I sound like a genius, if I say so myself.

She gives me an exaggerated look. "It's not that simple. We've been together for three years. Then he disappeared for a year and now suddenly he wants to make contact again. I can't just … ignore him right?"

I try to calm myself down. This is not about what I feel. This is about Quinn. I should temper myself. "You're right Quinn. I apologize. Give me a minute to get over my protective instincts."

I cross my arms before letting them hang loose again. "So … what do you feel? What did you think or hope when he sent that message?"

"Messages. And …" she gives a heartbroken look. "I don't know. Part of me felt so angry. Angry because of the betrayal of him giving up on us. Angry on him not contacting me for a WHOLE year, and for what? But … part of me also felt a spark of hope … does that make me pathetic?"

"A bit yeah." We've never been friends who lie to each other. "… But it makes you human too. I know you where head over heels about this guy. And, as hard as it is to admit it, I liked you two together. But be careful Quinn, don't let him break you two times. What did he say anyway?"

"He actually apologized about the way things ended. And he asked if we could start over again. Start as friends and see where that goes. He texted a different sort of apology for a whole month. I ignored him at first, but now he's actually suggesting to come to New York if I keep ignoring him. I don't know … part of me do wants to talk to him again. But I was so lost after he moved. I don't know if I want to be that vulnerable again around someone."

"What's your instinct telling you?"

She frowns her eyebrows. "My instinct? Who are you and what did you do to Santana Lopez?"

I give her a small push. "Come on, don't change the subject. Is there a part of you that wants to talk with him again? Or is there more than fear behind the hesitation?"

She takes a minute to think about it. "No, I think it's mostly about fear. And I do … besides dating we were each other best friends…"

"Hey!"

"Best girl-guy friends. Don't worry bestie … or softie."

"I'll ignore that."

"But yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe I should just answer him."

I shrug, still a bit ego-bruised by her best friend comment. "I didn't exactly say that, but sure, if that's what you wanted to hear then go with that. He lives miles away from here, you can always stop texting. Just remember that you're in charge of how far you're willing to let your vulnerability in your own emotions go. Okay?"

She gives me small push. "Look at you talking about emotions. You sure you are okay?"

I don't answer. Luckily the waitress just brought us our toasts to dive into. We eat in silence for a while before Quinn starts talking again.

"Okay, that's it. We should talk about the elephant in the room."

I look around, trying to make a joke out of it.

"What elephant?"

"You know what … Brittany."

I involuntary blush at her name. Damn it, she saw. Damn my body, betraying me like that. "Uh, there's no elephant about that."

"Come on San, you know you can talk to me too. I did."

I huff. "Yeah right, after more than a month you decided to talk to me when I asked after it myself. Sure."

"Come on, not fair. I need processing time."

I give her an unamused look. "And I'm not allowed to have processing time?"

"That's different. Plus, I'm asking you now." She softens her voice. "What's happening here? Do you have a crush on her or something?"

I start blushing again. She gives a small shriek. "Oh my god, I knew it. You're so crushing over this woman!"

"Shut up, I don't want the whole shop to hear that."

"Then admit it San" She actually sing-songs.

"Alright, alright, I have a teeny tiny crush on her, now sit down!" I hiss back.

She sits down, chewing on a small part of her toast. "Wow, I was wondering when the day would come someone would be able to settle you down."

"Geez, you're talking like I married the girl! It's nothing like that. I don't even like her like that. There's just an … interest. You know, when you know it can lead to something more, but you're not there yet…" I shrug my thoughts away. "But that's not what's happening here. I don't know what you're talking about."

"No I'm not having it. I know you San. You don't do crushes. Ever. You have one night stands and flirts. That's it… So … what makes her so special?"

Despite the insults in her sentence, I get the image of Brittany in my head, which calms me down a bit.

"She's just … she's fascinating. I mean, she's so quirky and sometimes awkward in conversation, but she's so … pure. And you can see she's loyal and friendly and just … beautiful. It's her soul that makes her look so beautiful. It's like the personification of herself made her beautiful… You know what I mean."

She gives me a glassy look back "Uh, no, not really, but as long as you get it…" See looks at me curiously. "… I didn't know you could still be so cheesy … I haven't seen that part of you in years!"

I snap from my daydreaming. "Uhm, okay, that's it for the day. Ready to go? Or what were you saying about us needing to arrive earlier at the theatre?"

She takes the last bite of her toast in her mouth before answering. "Oh yes, Brittany sent me a text to ask if we were able to come a bit earlier, she had a proposition about some technical … stuff or something. I don't know. I told her we'll meet her at 3."

"It's two thirty, what about we already leave, if we walk back to my apartment it'll just be to drop my keys in the kitchen and going back downstairs again to ride to the theatre. We can wait there if necessary?"

"Sure, lead the way." She grabs my arm to stop me. "Wait, did you pay already?"

I give her a dead serious face. "Nope, I was just planning on walking outside without paying."

When I start to walk towards the entrance she's hesitant to follow. Maybe I wasn't clear enough on my sarcastic tone. "I'm kidding. Geesh, what's gotten you so serious. Don't you know me at all?"

She grabs her purse before following up behind me. "Yes I do know you, that's why I was hesitant. A grumpy waitress or unfriendly one would give you enough of excuse to give me the check… which I just put on your account every time… Since I have full access to that anyway."

"WHAT?" I turn around, before remembering that that's not that strange. She's planning everything for me. That means the financial stuff too. "Never mind, makes sense."

She sighs dramatically, before opening the car from a distance. "God, San, I could have made you bankrupt already. Why do you trust me so much?"

"Because … you're my best friend. I love you dude."

"Don't dude me. And thanks, love you too. Now get in the car."

"I drive!" I make a sprint towards the driver seat, knowing it annoys her to sit still in the passenger seat.

"Wow, mature San, real mature."

The car ride towards the theatre is silent, me definitely not thinking about a certain blonde woman. Quinn probably not thinking about a certain blonde guy. Suddenly I remember something I was meaning to ask her.

"Hey Quinn. Question." I take a left turn, a shortcut to the theatre I'll perform tonight. "I noticed a surprised expression on your face when you noticed it was Brittany who was the technician who would help us during this small tour. Why was that? I know you didn't know who we'd hire, but I don't know … your expression was more than just surprise that we've met her before …"

She takes a quick peek at her phone, probably checking for any messages before turning her attention away from the small device. There's a lot of traffic on the road, so two pairs of eyes can come in handy right now.

"Oh, yeah right. I forgot about that for a sec. Yeah, I don't 100% understand something. I found a really nice organisation, 'Technicable Theatre Building'. I sent an email to that organisation and they told me they were sending an employee to help us, so yeah nothing strange there… But the thing is, Technicable is an organization for people with a disability or mental health issue. And I don't really understand what Brittany is …"

I frown my eyebrows. "Wow, uh great there are organisation for that. I mean, not really great to put them in boxes. But yeah, I can imagine if you're in a wheelchair it's not always easy to find a job in that sector, especially in building podia and stuff. Plus, I can imagine for people with mental health issues it's not always that easy to find a job."

"Yes exactly, and it's beautiful, you should check out their website. They mostly make this great teams. Like a person who for example is paralyzed in his legs can work with someone who's got … uhm I'm not trying to sound impolite but … a person with a low intelligence. But those persons always have other talents in other stuff then a high IQ. So they can help each other perfectly. One thinks more about what should happen and the other is really practical skilled to execute their idea. Or a person with down syndrome, who has such a strong motivation, they put together with someone who's just been in a burn out. I don't know, those are just two examples…"

She points towards a pedestrian almost crossing over the street at an illegal place, but I already saw him. "Uhm, so yeah. In that way, people who've dreamed of having a job in a certain sector, are still given a chance. They even give educations, focussed on how they can find a way with their disability or struggles to perform the job in a way that's comfortable for themselves and the people who need help for the job! It's very durable, they almost have no fall out of people." We pause our conversation for a second, another pedestrian is walking the street on a very strange place, and this time it even makes me need to hit the brakes.

"Oh come on. Unbelievable. You have to have eyes on your back in these streets. People just think they can walk wherever they want!" I say furiously.

"Calm down San. So anyway. You get why I was surprised? I don't really understand the situation. Like … you know …"

I forgot for a second what we were talking about. "Know what?"

She makes an awkward gesture with her hands. "You know, Brittany isn't in a wheelchair. She's perfectly capable of taking problems in her own hands. She knows what she's talking about, hell, she seems like the expert of the experts. She doesn't look depressed either or any of those sort of stuff. So … what's her reason to be in this organisation?"

I give a surprised look. "Oh, huh, yeah, you're right. Uh, I don't know. Maybe she's sort of volunteering or something?"

"Yeah, but wouldn't that be strange? I contacted the organisation asking for an employee, why would they sent a volunteer if they have employees in that sector? … Would she have something? Maybe she comes out of a burn out? Or social anxiety?"

I get a bit mad at that question. "I don't know Quinn. And I don't think it's any of our business. If she wants us to know something about her then she'll tell us. Otherwise, it's not nice to pry. Besides, having a disability doesn't mean shit. Mental health issues aren't written on someone's face either! It doesn't make you any less or any weaker than people without any sort of disability or mental struggle. Nobody is perfect."

I huff, still not over her unpolite guessing. "For some reason a person with a tricky label equals a disability. Others who have lots of problems, but there's no label, are perfect in the world's eyes. It's immoral. Look at us: we're bitches, mean and don't do good with feelings. Nevertheless we're perfect in the world's eyes and we can function however we like. Why is that fair?"

Quinn has a bewildered look on her face. "Easy Santana. I didn't mean any harm. First, put arrogant on that list of yours. And secondly, I agree. The world has a strange way of dealing with people who are not following the exact 'norm'" She emphasises the words by bowing her fingers above her head.

"It's not right. And you should know that I don't judge people by their labels or covers. So excuse you me, no need to feel so attacked by me. I'm just saying I was just a bit surprised, that's all."

After I started the car again, she gives her unasked opinion further. "I'm just a bit curious you know. If someone would tell you in a room with ten people that one person is gay, wouldn't you be curious to know who that was? That's not being homophobic. Same with this situation, she must have some sort of 'issue' in the worlds eyes, and I'm curious what it is. Doesn't make me look at her like she's 'less' then me… Aren't you a little bit curious?"

"Bitch please, I can detect a fellow gay from miles away. They all smell like golf courses." When we're on a main road again I think for a moment. "… Maybe a little bit."

A triumphant smile takes over the blondes face, which I decide to ignore. We've arrived at the theatre anyway. "Nevertheless Quinn, she'll share whatever she wants to share with us. She doesn't know I'm gay, and I'll tell her when the timing's right. Plus … I want to see her reaction, I don't even know if she's on the rainbow spectrum or not."

She steps out of the car while I'm taking my keys out. She gives me a teasing look. "I thought you just said you could detect the queer people from miles away?"

"Shut up. She's giving me weird vibes. One minute I think she's one hundred percent for the ladies. Other moments I think she hasn't even met a gay person in her life. So she's bi, or pan or 100% straight. I can't seem to put my finger on it… Or I don't want to dream."

She gives me a small side hug. "Oh look at you, dreaming about your future wife."

I don't bother to react. Just a lot of cursing would come out of my mouth, and I'm too tired to find original ones. She'll just keep formulating my words in whatever she wants. I try to think of changing the subject while we take a side entrance into the theatre room. It has a very different energy. I don't know why … I can't quite put my finger on it… maybe because the chairs are blue instead of the typical red colour? The lack of stairs, since the floor is an inclined surface everywhere? Maybe … doesn't matter, because a second later my mouth literally falls open.

There, right in front of us, between the backstage curtains, someone is dancing. The woman almost slides above the stage. She's effortlessly moving around, like her legs and arms are having a mind on their own, whilst staying perfectly in sink. I've never seen someone move around so fluidly and … breathtaking. You can't take your eyes of her! The way she's moving, just wow!

I know rationally that the person is probably Brittany. We're the only ones with access to this theatre right now … but she looks so different. She looks … careless … at ease … she looks free.

Quinn takes a sharp breath in. She must see the exact same wonder as I'm looking at right now, so I know I'm not dreaming. Maybe she won't use the same words like me. But still, each person on this earth can see it's pure talent. And Quinn definitely knows. She detects talent from miles away.

I quickly put my hand on Quinn's mouth, preventing her from speaking up. I don't want this magic to end just yet. And I'm sure the minute Brittany will realise we're here, the bubble she's in right now will burst.

When the song ends, I recognize the start of the new one that begins. It's 'let me feel', one of my tunes from my first album. God I want to see this! It's a catchy tango slash pop song. So many people underestimate the dancing skills you need to dance properly on this one.

It's the one tune I didn't dance on during the tour. It's not a secret I let my dancers dance their heart out on this song. Meanwhile I just walked around, trying to mask my lack of movement a little bit … Singing on its own was already a challenge enough to not lose my breath!

Nonetheless, all that doesn't matter right now. The anticipation of seeing Brittany dance on this lyrics, is huge.

And boy am I not disappointed. She took another ten seconds to compose herself to start whatever choreograph she had in mind… When she begins moving … If she wouldn't be so pale, I'd think she was born Latina to dance on this perfectly. I've never seen someone dance so fluently, perfectly, vulnerable and sexy in one song!

Her arms are moving around like she's leading an invisible person in a perfect two-dance. God I wish I was that invisible person right now. She's giving perfect guidance, strict and dominance when need to be in the dance, freeing and fluent on moments where it's willing to follow the streams of the music.

Her blonde locks are making a dance on their own, not put in a headband or something. But it doesn't matter. It gives a slow motion effect to her dancing. Her calves, perfectly shaped, are giving support to her whole body, hips perfectly moving on the rhythm of the music. She's wearing a skinny tight jeans today and her shirts rides up every few moments … it's making me feel things.

I think I'm about to faint. Is that pathetic?

I need to sit down. I try to reach for the first seat that's visible, but in some way I miss the seating area. "Ouch!"

Immediate pain begins from my tailbone right through my back. My fall hurt so much! Why is the floor so hard here? And how in the world did I miss the seat?!

Quinn bursts out laughing. She's not making any effort to keep quiet. Her laughter echoes extremely loud throughout the whole room. Of course Brittany heard that. I take a quick peek at her, and though we're not that close I can see her being startled. She's like a deer caught in the headlights. Her whole body is turning crimson at seeing me and Quinn. She keeps switching between looking at me and Quinn, a small frightened look visible on her face.

Meanwhile, Quinn is still trying to catch her breath. It snaps Brittany out of her startlement and approaches us. Looking up close you can definitely see how red she is. Why is she feeling embarrassed right now? Sure she danced, but aren't I the one sitting on the ground for no reason?

"Uh, hey guys. Did you just arrive or …"

Quinn wipes some tears away from her face. "Hah, no sorry Brittany. Haha, I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh. I swear I'm not laughing at you. Just... Look at San!"

Brittany gives me a calculated look, still not really getting what or why. "Uhm why are you on the floor Santana, did you fell?"

Kill me. Kill me now.

What do I say? I clear my throat, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. "Uh yeah sure, I fell."

"Haha, no you didn't." Quinn takes another small tear away from her eye before continuing. "She was mesmerized by your dancing. You hypnotised her. It made her miss the seat. She literally fell from amazement." At this point Quinn has found her bearings and talks in a normal way again. "Which by the way. Brittany, your dancing is amazing. You're so talented!" She tries to keep her laughter (directed to me) at bay, speaking very serious and sincere. Trying to let the message really sink in.

Brittany looks towards her feet at Quinn's compliment. "Uh thank you Quinn, it's not that great though. It was just a small routine I learned a while ago. Nothing special. There are much greater dancers out there." She points at me "Plus have you seen Santana dance on stage? She's so much better than me! She's wonderful. And I'm sure you're great too."

I'm still sitting mindlessly on my ass, hesitant between staying silent and slowly crawling away from the situation or jump on and act like nothing weird just happened.

"Nothing great? Jeez, Brittany, you made Santana fall down from shock! I've never seen her do that in her life!"

Two pairs of eyes are looking at me expectantly. "Are you ever going to get up, or are you comfortable at the bottom down there?"

"Just … wanky … And help me up you annoying human being."

It's not Quinn, but Brittany who's offering her hand to help me up. I silently thank her for it.

Once she pulled me up (so strong by the way) I can't seem to let go of her hand. There's like a warm flow coming from her hand, and it's making me feel all nice inside. What is that? Isn't that like a movie thing? I didn't know that's a real thing?

"Are you alright Santana? You didn't hurt yourself did you?" Brittany asks me in the kindest and softest tone I ever heard. I let go of her hand, it's too much right now.

"Ow no, I'm alright." I dust off some invisible dirt from my pants, just so my hands have something to do. "Thank you for helping me up. And Quinn is right on that part. You're a wonderful dancer."

She's trying to hide it, but she looks embarrassed again. She waves away the compliment before changing the subject completely.

"So, I didn't know you'd be here so early, I thought we said 3 pm, and I checked beforehand that it's certainly not three yet. Or uh … sorry, that sounded strange. Uhm…"

Quinn steps in. "Nope, sorry, we were just ready to get here, so we just realised, why not go already. Besides, it's …" she grabs my arm, checking the time on my watch. "A quarter before three, so it's not that early anymore. What did you want to talk about anyway?"

Quinn, always so smooth in conversation and sensing what the other person wants. I would've looked for a way to get her to accept the compliment… seeing her act so uncomfortable … she does look like she wants the conversation over as soon as possible, so maybe Quinn's right. Now is not the time nor place to do something like that.

Her skin colour is turning back to normal. She grabs a notebook nearby to show us something. "Yeah, I wanted to propose something, but it's totally fine if you don't want it."

I make a gesture that she can speak. I'm actually curious what's this about. "I was thinking… in your show, the lightning is good, don't get me wrong, but there are three songs where you gave me a colour code to use … though I think there's a combination that'll make more sense, in a way. The colours you use right now are more to the colder side, and the songs can make more effect in a warmer environment. So if you want, I can show you, and you can decide what you think?"

She pauses for a second, checking if we're still listening. I nod politely for her to continue. "And in another song, 'live without time' … it is a really upbeat song, and I kinda played around with the program lighting a bit, and I think I have a cool program that switches the lights on the beats, without being too overwhelming. The focus is still the song, but in your unconscious it'll help to get more into the beat as an audience. And last thing I thought … or am I saying too much."

"NO, no, please go on" I almost yell. I've never had a technician thinking on such a personal level to my songs.

Most of the times they just ask the average genre of my songs during a whole show, put one colour and lighting program in it and sit down on their ass for the rest of the time (yeah yeah, I know there's more to it than that). Yet, this woman … this woman is suggesting things that weren't even required of her. This is amazing. She wants to give people a better experience! That's just amazing, she gets it. She really gets the entertaining part of this. Giving people the best experience possible … giving them a break from their lives and give them fun and lightness instead … that's the purpose.

After Brittany gets the affirmation of both me and Quinn to continue, she carries on. "Oookay, so last thing I was thinking about was for maybe some more interaction with the crowd…"

After getting a puzzled look for me she gives a more comprehensive explanation. "Like I can make a mysterious light play whilst you walk around in the audience or something? I know it's a lot of focus on the light part I'm suggesting right now, but I don't really want to mess with sound much, your voice is enough…. uh no I mean!"

A flush appears on her cheekbones. She places a hand in her neck and makes some strange, uncoordinated gestures with her other hand, looking a bit stressed. "I don't mean it's enough, like I don't want to hear it anymore, I meant in like a compliment. There's not special effect needed around your voice. Sound effect would just be a bummer. And I'm not saying light effects are required because I think the show is boring, I was just thinking it could be fun. Not that it isn't fun right now …"

"Brittany. Hey, hey, Brittany. It's okay." I take a chance and put my hand on her elbow, showing her there's no reason to freak out. "I'm not judging or assuming that you think I suck. I get what you mean. Thank you for suggesting something about that. I'm amazed really!"

Seems like I took a safe leap, because she doesn't struggle to take my hand away. When she gets back her normal breathing pattern, I gesture toward the technical panel in the middle of the theatre. "Let's check it out, see what you've got!"

Half an hour later, after the last suggestions from Brittany

For the second time today, I can't seem to have any control about my facial muscles. I'm very impressed with the things Brittany suggested. She certainly has a knack of getting the right atmosphere in the air for the different songs I'm singing. I'm loving every alteration she thought of! And I'm not the only one, Quinn's just as amazed.

Suddenly Quinn's phone buzzes. I try to look at the screen but I'm too far away. The corner of her mouth goes up before she looks up towards the taller blonde. "Hey, I've got a phone call. But great job Brittany! Thank you so much for these ideas! San do you mind to take over? Okay, see you in a bit."

I wonder if that phone call is from Sam? Anyway, that's for later.

Brittany is mindlessly playing with the buttons on the light table. I'm not really sure what I should do.

"Hey Brittany, do you need me for something else?"

Her head looks up from where her attention was. "Oh, uh nope, I think we're finished. If you're okay with everything, I'll just change up my schedule a bit so I won't forgot anything."

"Okay cool… do you mind if I stick here for a moment?"

She makes a gesture with her left hand, already writing some things down with her right. "No, not at all. Feel free to do whatever."

God, even just seeing her write something down is so mesmerizing …. What the hell is wrong with me?! What is happening to me? I'm Santana freaking Lopez. I don't do feelings. I'm a straight up bitch! How does she melt my words before they've even come out of my mouth. With a single look or hand gesture she can hold me down. She turns on a nicer side of me I'm not familiar with. At all. I've interacted with this woman for a total of three hours or something, how is this even possible?!

Either way, those are things to think about later. I really wanted to practise one of my more difficult songs a few more times on stage. Last time there was a slight hitch in my voice at one moment. Quinn said it was impossible to hear, but I don't want it to happen again.

After singing it three times without a hitch I see Brittany gathering her stuff together. A wave of confidence comes over me, and before my mind can think, I speak up. "Hey Brittany?" I call her name to gain her attention. "Can you come here for a second?"

She gives me a questioning look, but approaches the stage anyway. "What's up? Everything okay? Is there something else you want me to do?"

She steps onto the small stairs so we're both on the stage now. "No no, I wanted to ask something …" I stop in front of her. I lick my lip nervously. "Would you like to hang out some time?"

She frowns her brows. "Like to find some other things for your show? If you want changes you can always ask me, I'll find a way to make it work. I hope. Depends on your suggestion."

I shake my head. "I meant in like a friendly way. Do you want to hang out, out of our profession, to get to know each other?"

She takes a small step back, not really expecting me to talk about personal things I guess. "Oh, uh, I don't know. I mean, I'm pretty weird to hang out with you know. And you're …"

I take a small step forward, trying to test out the waters. Guess it fails, because she takes a small step back. Bummer. "I'm what?"

I'm actually curious what she's about to say. Our first impressions weren't that great. But during these past few days we've managed to have some relaxed conversation and nice small talks during and before the show.

"Uh … I mean … you're awesome Santana. And I don't want you to get bored."

"Bored?! How can you say that? I mean, I don't really know you, but you've intrigued me enough to want to hang out with you!" … If I'm reading the room right, I think she won't mind if I suggest something despite her rejection. "How about a lunch tomorrow on the midday before the next show? I'll pay."

I didn't expect this insecurity from her. It's hopefully something I'll get to the bottom of, because she sure as hell doesn't need to be insecure. But for now I'll let it slide… That's not something to talk and fix in a two minute conversation.

I give her my most pleading look. It's a look that was collecting a lot of dust. Nowadays people just do what I want or ask. No pleading looks needed. Except maybe if it's Quinn. But anyway, I'm not really used to having to beg. Hah, wanky.

She still hasn't answered. She's thinking really hard. I can almost see the roads in her brain moving really fast. I won't ever admit it again, but I actually pouted right then. There's this glint in her eyes that assures me she really does want to do this, but something is holding her back. "Come on Brittany, I know my reputation isn't helping in that department, but I'm really not that scary to be around… Or mean. Or bitchy. Or aggressi…"

She interrupts me. "I know, I don't think you're any of those things. I'm just thinking if it'll fit in my schedule tomorrow. But … yeah, let's do that, where do we go?"

"How about Luke's corner, do you know that place?"

"Heard from it yeah. Okay, what about 1 pm?"

"Yep, awesome. It's a date!" No, Santana, don't be to forward! I don't think she's interested in you that way. Just see it as a great friendship.

Friend or more, I think she's awesome to have in my life, but I'm not in the safe yet to not scare her away. "Anyway, I should look for Quinn now. See you tonight?"

I see her cheeks have reddened a bit again. "Uh yeah, sure, see you tonight."

Before I open the door to leave, I turn around again. "And thanks again for this Brittany. The alternations … just thank you"

She gives a soft smile in response. Unfortunately I definitely need to get ready for tonight's show. Kurt wanted to facetime me to check my outfit for the evening and I'm already ten minutes late for that.

…

"Thank you very much for tonight, you guys were awesome! Have a good night!"

A roaring applause warms my ears when I walk off the stage.

The crowd loved the adjustments Brittany did to the show! Especially the one when I walk into the crowd. They were super hyped for the rest of the performance after that. And god, those lights in that one emotional song, it got to me even harder than it normally does. How's that even possible?

How is she able to translate the message and emotion I put in my songs, so perfectly into … lights? I've never felt so seen. And that's in the strangest way I never thought was possible. How can lights make me feel seen in the emotion I was trying to show and sing through my performance? It's like she really gets what I want to say with my music…

She makes me feel something… new. This woman … she's special. And I don't want to let her go. Ever …

Let's hope she feels the same way and I'm not some creep trying to win her over when that's the last thing she ever wanted …

…

Present Santana who's writing the story

Okay pause. Can I just take a break for a moment? I cringe at my own writing sometimes. I sound all lovey-dopey. I don't think that is what I thought at the time … but for the sake of the story, let's say I was. Okay? Brittany, I can say with full confidence now that I love you … but at that time, you could have tortured me and I wouldn't have said it.

All right. Back to the past. I was on a roll with my story.

After the performance – Motta's Lollipop bar

And it's no, nay, never

No, nay, never no more

Will I play the wild rover

No, never no more

Great. Another Celtic band playing Irish, Scottish, Celtic, whatever folk shizzle covers. This is why I don't like this bar. The only reason we're here is because it's Sugars own bar now. It's called Motta's Lollipop bar … that's the first warning of getting as far away as possible from whoever invented it … guess I didn't get the memo.

I met sugar almost one year and a half ago. Her dad is the owner of a lot of bars here in the city. It smells to something illegal, especially when Sugar once said her dad isn't rich from being in the mafia. Who says that out of the blue when it's not true? That's just strange isn't it?

Anyway. Sugar is … special. I don't exactly know why we're friends, but she bartended in a lot of bars I performed in a while back and she just placed herself in my life like that. When you try to summarize her character … odd and self-centred, yet combined with a pretty nice and friendly inner side …there are worse people to hang with. Plus … free drinks every time!

So yeah, I would consider her a friend now. She recently got this bar as a gift from her dad, so now she wants us to only go to this one. She barely bartends in other bars of her dad's anyway. So if I want free drinks … I need to look through the ridiculous lollipop theme and clumsy folk music…

In such manner, I learned to get over the bad independent folk bands and what not. Don't get me wrong, if it's played well, then I don't mind an evening of folk or country… people just tend to underestimate the difficulty of playing folk music in a good and professional way.

All right everyone. Who's ready for some a Capella?

…

Hmm, all right, I should have hold my tongue, this band seems to hold his own right now. They're not bad. Not bad at all.

Kurt pipes in. "Wow, the band tonight isn't bad at all right? And do you see the cute one? Would he play for my team?"

I try to see which one he's referring too. I don't know if he's talking about the one with the bowtie or the one wearing a hat with a feather on it. The other two are definitely straight, and undeniably not his type.

After gushing a bit longer about the bowtie and the hair gel I'm sure now which one he's talking about. I let Quinn take over the conversation, suggesting I'll order us some drinks.

When I walk towards the bar, I see Sugar has updated the walls … not in a positive way. I'm still not sure why she wanted the bar to be called lollipop, and I'm definitely shocked to see she stuck to it in the bar too. There are a dozen of huge lollipops painted on the walls, surrounded with pink and rainbows. Even more ridiculous: the tables … the legs are white, and the tabletops are representing a picture of some sort of candy. The waiters and waitresses are wearing ridiculous outfits too, like they're coming straight out of Candyland…

Who the hell wants this kind of atmosphere in a bar?! This is an adult bar. A bar where hook-ups and getting drunk is the normal! And the drinks all have other names too, candy related things…

I suggested she put the translation next to it, because otherwise people wouldn't order them… Quickly scanning the drinks menu, I'm glad she at least listened to me about that.

"Santana, you came!" Sugar jumps up from behind the bar, startling me. "Oh my god, you were amazing this evening! You definitely did not sucked ass! If I didn't have to do some other things about my bar tomorrow I would have planned to go to another performance! But you …" She shrieks. "How did I not know you were performing?! I thought I was going to some random person that's new to the bizz and suddenly there you stand on stage. I'm hurt Sanny, very hurt."

"Don't call me that, you know I hate that. And nobody except Quinn and Kurt knew, I swear! We were trying to keep it as silent as possible… Now what is that Irish claver thing doing on your freshly painted wall?! Green and pink and lollipops and rainbows, do you want to get yourself bankrupt?"

She just shrugs. "Money is my superpower Santana. This place won't go bankrupt." She takes a quick look at the band that's closing up their performance. "You see the one that's talking right now?"

"Thank you very much for listening! We are the Celtic Wolves! Until next time."

I cross my arms. "Yeah, tall, looks like a lifelike leprechaun, that one?"

"That's Rory. He's actually from Ireland and I want to go out with him. I just met him, so I'm trying to be supportive and all that. And he does not look like a leprechaun." She squints her eyes.

I raise my hands up in surrender, too tired to get in a discussion right now. "Alright alright. Well, good luck with that. So, can I order something for three? And when's your break, we're …" I look for a short blonde and see her in a faraway corner. "Right there, join us when you can."

She nods in affirmation and tells me she'll take a break in five minutes. I don't know if you can suddenly take a break when there's so much people waiting for their drinks … but she's the boss, I won't meddle.

She quickly makes my drinks and I walk back towards Kurt and Quinn who are in a heated discussion about which guy was the hottest in the band. Perfect, gives me a great opening for something that's been in my mind for some time now.

"So Quinn, who was that phone call from?"

Kurt gasps, he lives for gossip. "Phone call? What phone call?"

"Santana!" Quinn kicks me under the table. "Hey! I was planning on wearing a skirt tomorrow, I don't want to look all bruised on stage!"

"Not now Santana, I don't want to talk about it."

I grumble a fine between my teeth. At least that confirms my suspicion of it being Sam. I quickly empty my glass, ready to grab another one, but Quinn stops me.

"Just one drink tonight San. It's a weekday and you've still got five performances to go!"

"Fine, mom." I huff.

Kurt clears his throat, trying to break the awkward tension that rose. "… Anyway. How's the tour going?"

Sugar jumps up from behind him, asking the same question. Quinn and I try to explain to them how it's going. And if I'm honest I'm enjoying this little tour a lot. It brings me back to the basics. Though I do admit, it's also addicting to have an audience of more than a few hundred people singing your songs with you.

This is less … bombarding. Yet still fulfilling and full on. I love the crowds. I love everything about it. I'm so grateful this is my job. How many people in the world can actually say that?!

"… And our technician, Brittany is awesome …"

Quinn is explaining what Brittany did today, and there's a small blush crawling up my face. Good thing nobody's paying attention at me for the moment, because I don't like this. Why is hearing her name making me blush?

"Sugar?" An unknown voice perks up from behind Kurt. Sugar turns around and squeals.

"Oh my god, Rory, you were amazing tonight! A lot of musicians come here and I think to myself, 'I am so much better than them', but I didn't this time. Only thing was that your friend has way too many hair gel in his hair, it's annoyingly disruptive… sorry, Aspergers."

"Is that your self-diagnosed Aspergers speaking, or just you?" My voice has a teasing tone to it. I like seeing her like this, crushing over a random boy and word-vomiting out gibberish."

Rory doesn't seem amused by my teasing though. "Self-diagnosed Aspergers?"

Sugar explains before I can say another word, giving me a threatening glare in the process. "Oh don't mind her. She's .. Santana. I have self-diagnosed Aspergers, so I can pretty much say whatever I want."

Rory's brows frown at that. "You know that's not something to laugh with right?"

"Oh don't worry, nobody believes she has Aspergers. It's just a strange way of explaining herself." Quinn bumps into the conversation.

Rory turns his attention back towards Sugar. "So you don't have autism?"

She shakes her head. A furious look washes over the brown haired boy. "I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's just bollocks. You know how offensive that is to people who really have autism? That's not fair of you to do. People with autism have so many mountains to conquer and some of them are built because of other people who claim to have autism, without having it. They make claims about stereotypes that are sometimes part of someone with autism. Though scientifically speaking there is no such thing as autistic behaviour. Autism is in the way someone thinks, not in the way you behave. All those people who use the term in a light conversational way when they don't have it … that's just brutal!"

He looks around, seeing all of our shocked faces at once. "I'm sorry. I apologize for being so straight forward and rude, but my little brother has autism … he hates it if people use the diagnosis for their own benefit. Especially if it's not true … I stand with every word I said, though the way I said it could have been more nice." He turns to Sugar. "Sugar, thank you for the opportunity of playing here. I was just coming over to say we need ten more minutes to clear up our gear and then we'll be out of your hair."

He puts his hat on and fumbles with the chains on his suspenders. "Anyway … Good evening everyone"

Nobody really speaks up after that. We're honestly all a bit stunned of his outburst. We don't even know this guy and he got all worked up like that. It must mean a great deal to him. I mean … I get where he's coming from, and he's right at some point. Sugar needs to be more careful about using her 'self-diagnostic Aspergers' joke with people… I feel guilty I brought it up in the first place. She wants to whoo this guy, not get in conflict with him.

Though isn't he blowing it a bit out of proportions? One or two jokes aren't that bad, aren't they? … I don't know, I've never really thought about it that deeply before. I saw it as just Sugar being … well Sugar.

Seconds become minutes. Still nobody speaks a word. Quinn, always the most mature one of our group, is the first one to talk again. "Well go Sugar, if you want to have a chance with this dude then talk it out. Apologize or something!"

I analyse Sugar. She looks a bit pale. "Rright, yeah, I'll do that now. Shit. Bye. See you next time." She snaps out of her shock for a moment when she looks at me. "You! Text me the address you perform tomorrow, I want to see it again!"

The three of us follow every move Sugar makes. She pats Rory on the shoulder to gain his attention. He looks a bit closed off at first, but after talking for some time he seems less defensive. They even crack a laugh here and there. Relief washes over me a bit. Sugar isn't the bestest friend of me, but I know her well enough to state she means well. She's got a soft and good heart somewhere …

Already enough mushy talk for the night. I drink up what was left in my glass (which I realise is literally nothing) and look towards Kurt and Quinn. Quinn has her gaze over towards some clingy couple on an impromptu dance floor in the middle of the bar. I give her a questioning look.

"Alright, you're right! Sam called and I picked up." She puts her hands on her own mouth, like she's shocked herself she spoke.

"You what?!" Kurt's voice levelled up two octaves. Both of us remember the depressed Quinn after Sam broke up with her, so I understand his shock completely. I know that's not the best approach to get something out of Quinn though, so I try a more gentle way.

"Oohkay. And how was that?"

There. No judgement in my tone or body language at all. I'm impressed with myself. And it works. Quinn starts explaining the situation at hand. Seems like Sam is really serious and has thought about it to try it again with her. She's more hesitant thought. So I'm not sure how that'll go.

I know it makes me look like a bad friend, but whilst I'm listening to her story, there is another blonde that walks to the forefront of my mind. Making me nervous for what the next day will bring…