Mr President
Harland: Mr President!!!! Get down!!! (runs across the room and lands on top of him)
Jamie: Please get off of me!!!! I am not dying, the flipp phone isn't going to take down.
Harland: But Sir, it is my job to protect you.
Jamie: my good sir, from what?
Harland: from yourself?
Jamie: …maybe you should protect yourself.
Harland: from what, sir? Oh!!! From you? *laughs*
Jamie: Stop laughing!!! I will enforce a law that states that no one is allowed to laugh!!!!
Harland: and the Executive branch dreams to be drag queens!!! *laughs*
Queen's Company
Remire: you're the reason society wants to kill themselves.
Jamie: You're the reason why people turn the other way.
Remire: at least people want me near them.
Jamie: near them? I am the life of the party, and the reason why people talk to me-
Remire: I see your still an ego.
Jamie: I see people turn the other cheek when you walk by. Is that scowl still making kids and moody teenagers cry?
Remire: how can you be married to a wild party who has more respect than you?
Jamie: because of her, the fashion industry drools on the floor wishing they could style her in their clothes.
Remire: because of her, she's the reason your scandals don't resurface.
Jamie: at least my wife keeps me from being the wrong topic of conversation-
Remire: I know, means I'm the topic of everyone's discussion and the person that is on their minds.
Jamie: no wonder the scuicide races went up.
Remire: you should get a better choice in style.
Jamie: You should buy yourself a party planner, I hear the clowns have more style than your wardrobe.
Remire: at least the clowns know how to invest in better products.
Jamie: No wonder they are suing you for pyramid schemes.
Remire: I resonate when Churchill was the life of the party, he would trump being a better person, and being your mentor-
Jamie: I know, he'd teach me how to poison you faster.
Remire: admitting your crimes in public-?
Jamie: no, the public would give me the Nobel Peace Award.
Remire: you do know it's awarded to people who can bring peace and resolve conflicts.
Jamie: exactly.
Remire: I see where you're going with this. (Puts her hand out) guess you win this fight.
Jamie: nice. Glad we could put our dispute aside.
Jacqueline: honey? Secretary Blanch wants to talk to you. So please talk to him. He talked to me today for the first time, and now he wants to know about my past. I don't want to know this man on a personal level. Especially if he is your employee.
Jamie: I'm going to go. Good day Queen Remire.
Remire: learn to bow to your elders.
Jamie: Thankfully between the two of us, we're the same age.
Remire: by a year.
Jamie: (bows) same age. (Turns around and leaves)
Remire: your husband is the reason the world wants to obliterate itself.
Jacqueline: Oh no, I know every guest here and I know you too well to fight on behalf of my husband with you. Not the type of wife who fights For her husband's battles. Neither would he fight my battles. Besides, my family is large and crazy. Bringing me into a fight is bound to be a 1 on 2 trial.
Remire: you remind me of my husband.
Jacqueline: don't go around marrying me. *laughs*
Remire: …(dead serious) I wouldn't dream of doing that.
Jacqueline: forgot you're a party pooper. I'm sure I'll love your husband.
Remire: why would you do that?
Jacqueline: Is that my kid? Oh my gosh, he is in need of a napkin. He's such a mess. Sorry.(Leaves)
Deal in the Alley's of A Denny's
Harland: sir? You're a smart man.
Jamie: I am the president of the US, so me being smart is what I have to do all the time.
Harland: true, just that…you're also a very important person-
Jamie: Land?
Harland: Sir?
Jamie: cut the hype and tell me what we are all thinking.
Harland: Why are we at a Waffle House sir?
Jamie: to make dreams come to an end.
Harland: ok?
Jamie: And I'm hungry…for drama.
Harland: You're a very unprofessional person.
Jamie: well, some dreams and plans can happen behind the scenes. Many may call it a drug deal, and others might call it illegal. I call it the inconvenience of having to bother at a fancy high end restaurant, when you can easily make an appointment and effort behind the alley way of a Denny's.
Harland: That is the definition of a drug deal, sir.
Jamie: if it was, you'd have arrested me.
Harland: I'm not the local police.
Jamie: yeah but you have a phone and you'd call 911.
Hornet: Can someone put the president in Jail?
Buzz: I mean…if the president did go to Jail…would it be considered constitutional?
Hornet: yeah…good question. If the president went to jail…does the Legislative Branch have to say yes to it?
Buzz: that is also good, since the legislative branch technically can impeach the president, would they say yes to the president going to jail?
Hornet: could the Judicial Branch admit that the president can go to jail because it is the Rule of Law and no one, not even the president is above it?
Buzz: these are good questions…Boss?
Harland: You both are a special kind of idiot.
Names Origin
Turnip: hey, Buzz? How'd you get your name?
Buzz: I buzzed my hair once for an underground operation, and slapped a wig on my head to look like a man with an edge. But instead it ended up falling half way through the mission, so that became my last and only undercover operation-
Hornet: Actually he went on a date with a girl supper into buzz cuts, so he got one, and she dumped him.
Buzz: better than being scared of hornets-
Hornet: go find a hornets nest, stand by it and hope for a better future.
Turnip: what about you, Harland?
Harland: my name was given to me by a man named Sargent Henn, with two n's. One N was for Nightcaps, the other was because he was Black.
Turnip: …and your name?
Harland: that story was supposed to be a distraction.
Turnip: I don't distract that easily, boss.
Harland: you literally let a man walk past you while you were on the phone with your mother last week. Unannounced, unknown to the office, and not even on a guest list. And you allowed that man 5 feet away from the president.
Turnip: wasn't the man the president's son?
Harland: no.
Turnip: oh…so.
Harland: no, you don't get a back story about my name. In fact, no one here knows about my name's origin. And I'd like to keep it that way.
Buzz: probably has no origin, cause he's completely useless-
(The two of them in the back ground fighting)
Turnip: how'd I get out of that so fast?
Hornet: Buzz has a fat mouth that drops down the stairs and his words he saved up in his guts, come rushing out like a sewage drain.
Turnip: that makes a lot of sense.
Hornet: where does your name come from?
Turnip: every situation, I turn up at the wrong time.
Hornet: That explains everything about your personality, and you in general.
The presidential announcement
Narrator: despite the title, you receive a phone call one day after getting home from school. Instead of getting an answer on the other end, you hear the sound of what you think is Darth Vader breathing into your phone speaker. Next thing you know your phones dead and you hear a knock on your door. You think at first, you're just a candidate for a knock off version of scream, knowing there is no need for an 8th movie, but you start to actually panic about all the scenarios going through your mind. All the while you're panicking, the door has been broken into, and now you're trying to invest in toy cars, or marbles to lay them down on the ground to do a home alone type exertion in hopes to escape with your life intact. But before you can move you see a tall black man dressed in casual Janco jeans and a ACDC t-shirt with a transparent earbud in one ear. And this man just stares at you. And you at him. What do you do in a situation like this? Except stand there frozen until you hear a voice that you swore you've heard before, say-
Jamie: Gosh darn it Harland, this is the 6th house you broke down the door to. You better hope that they aren't going to sue for damages.
Narrator: and now that you have taken a look at who the guy is, you know him to be the President!! He looks at you with excitement, and says.
Jamie: Are you Samoine Biles? I got you a puppy, I am a big fan!!
Person: um…no?
Jamie: oh…well you want a puppy?
Person: how many homes did you think Ms Biles was in?
Jamie: over 40 houses. And I had 100 puppies to spare.
Person: how are you a fan, if you don't know who Samine Biles is?
Jamie: I need the plablisity vote, and I keep hearing people talk about Biles, so I thought if I broke into enough houses, gave people a free puppy that they would like me a little bit more.
Person: So Ms Biles has nothing to do with this?
Jamie: yeah…so…puppy?
Person: I'm a cat person.
Jamie: gosh darn it!!!
The Kitchen Staff
Skipper: tick tock on the clock Holmer!!! I need a ribeye now in my hand ready for take out or I am going to sock you in the ribs and punch you in the eye!!!
Holmer: You can't rush perfection, Skip.
Skipper: Perfection? You burned the darn steak last week because you said it needed to boil it in a pan of hot oil overnight!!!
Holmer: …I…I mean the steak was a bit crunchy-
Skipper: that steak was burned beyond hell. You don't broil steak, then cook it, then boil it in a pan for 24 hours. Either follow my recipe to a T, or Leave the meat to me, Holmer!!!
Holmer: ok, ok. (hands him the ribeye) your welcome.
Skipper: if I hear one complaint-
Jessica: If you hear one complaint it'll be because the person has no actual culinary palate for decent food, and chose the wrong restaurant to go to that'll sustain their unlimited, cheap desires.
Skipper: …get back to work Jessica, I never asked for your opinion-
Jessica: And nobody asked for yours, yet we can hear you throwing a tantrum from a watch out box in kentucky.
Skipper: that's because I am the leading cook Jessica-
Jessica: I am the leading baker, but you don't see me demanding a throne made out of diamond and carat gold-
Skipper: don't think you could even demand a paper miniversion of a throne with the salary you get either.
Jessica: broke boy with insecurity says "what?"
Skipper: I'm not doing that, this childish act is so beneath me.
Jessica: So this is all pinned on salary?
Skipper: if the two measly dollar pay, crowns me king, then I don't mind the royal treatment, which means I should be respected-
Jessica: because you're only worth 2 and an outdated overused title? Honestly, keep the paper crown. I have no reason to use it when authority catures to me like a bunch of thirsty lap dogs drooling over steak or cold pork. Strangely, when they come to me for their food, they keep coming.
Skipper: I am not going to fight with you over something you know nothing about, which reminds me, how did your pistachio dessert expirament go with the consumers? Were they surprised?
Jessica: …ok…it wasn't that good, and I never made it again, but people come here for my deserts. Not for your undercooked cooking. I mean even if I had to compare a bo-jangles biscuit, or your steak, I'd go for their biscuits even after they go stale.
Skipper: ok Jessica, quite putting your panties in the crunch. We will fight about this after work hours, unlike you, people would like to have a 3-4 course meal, something that desserts don't go for after everyone finishes their courses. Which reminds me, do people who come here for desserts all the time?
Jessica: …you know what? Sure sweet pie, fighting with you in my free time, makes my meaningless life look so much better and less dull. But apparently I have to pick up my dogs before 7:00 or mother will overcharge my tab, and that will take up most of my eventful life.
Skipper: we'll settle it this tuesday then-?
Jessica: I have jujitsu classes on those day-
Skipper: ju…jitsu?
Jessica: Did I stutter?
Skipper: …you know…if I stay in my lane and you stay in your lane and we never cross paths. I believe we can be on good terms. Deal?
Jessica: (shakes hands with him) Glad we made business.
Holmer: What the heck just happened?
Lobster: (eating a steak) I don't know but a person hated their lobster biscuits and potpourri from that nice fancy restaurant down the road from us. So I opened the binge day and ate from their dumpster. Very good, still fresh too.
Holmer: Lobster?
Lobster: yeah?
Holmer: When you went dumpster diving, did you find any fish?
Lobster: (gives him a swordfish) even better, got it from their open kitchen, bunch of skunk hams trusted their busboys to close their shop.
Holmer: ah!!! God's greatest gift to man-
Jessica: What might that be? cause I don't see brain cells on that list.
Lobster: nope even better, one man's trash is another man's treasure.
Jessica: please remember to wash your fish and hands.
Part 2
Skipper: get off my back about it Jessica-
Jessica: get off your back about my recipes, and my job!?!? Really? You want me to get off of what is my section of the menu!!?!!?? Just because you "own" the kitchen, doesn't mean that you actually own the kitchen, Skipper!!! Half of it is my station because I am the dessert maker, and the leading Dessert Chef, I have chef in the same sentence as you Skip, ever thought that maybe I am the same as you? Same league, same level? Use common sense, skipper, cause your about to be overthrown by my staff-
Skipper: if you have a problem with what I want the menu of the night to be, stay longer after shift to discuss what you want to put on there.
Jessica: I do, but you tell me there is nothing else for me to do other than the menu, so when I go to put what I want to put on there, you change it the next day and I'm left having to buy rare and unretrievable ingredients.
Skipper: well get a better company to get your ingredients from.
Jessica: how am I supposed to do that, when all the people that I go to get ingredients from, are under your boot? They refuse to get me things, Skipper-!!!
Skipper: hey!!! Nobody is telling you no, if you don't have the backbone to go and get what you need and what you want at a cheaper price, then it is not my fault that you can't bend a person and break them. But…if you are too scared to do your job, maybe it is best I do all the menu set up, gotta live by a rule here in the big game.
Jessica: And what rule is that?
Skipper: in order to play the games right, you have to have a backbone, gut and a 'don't give two cents about a thing' attitude (walks away)
Jessica: *growls* you don't get to walk away from me hustler-!!!
Skipper: I just did. What are you going to do about it?
Jessica: (throws a plate at him and it crashes by the door just as Otto comes in)
Otto: wow!!! That could take my eye out-
Jessica: then either get out of my way, or let it ruin your eye sight. Cause whether you have it or not, makes every mistake seem like a better choice.
James: Wow there pup. (drinking iced tea and chilling) calm yourself down.
Jessica: Shut up James, go do your damn job!!!
Otto: What's happening this time?
James: they're yelling about the new menu item.
Rosy: (comes in) what's wrong with Skipper, I complained about the steak that table 4 got, is dry, and he flipped me off, and told me "to cook it myself if I want things to get done." I don't know how to cook. And being behind the counter of those two dumb dumbs (points at Lobster and Holmer) Is a breeding infestation for stupidity. Which is why I applaud Jessica for surviving this long behind here.
Otto: oh well, Jessica and Skip are fighting again.
Rosy: *scoffs* again?
Otto: yeah. The menu has been a problem as of late.
Rosy: why? Nothing on it seems out of the ordinary to me.
James: it's on how Jessica wasn't brought on to be the dessert menu maker to only be left out of making a menu item she can make-
Jessica: I can make it, you mother flipping wet hog!!! I am angry about the fact that I am not given an option to put items on the menu, and being pushed to the side because half of Skipper's men typically also deal in what I need. But they refuse to get me stuff-
James: What you can actually make-?
Jessica: Until you can put on a chefs hat and make a normal grilled cheese sandwich without burning it, I suggest you turn yourself back around out the doors, and be a useful server with my time and effort of socking your eyes out and spoon feeding it to you so you can see your disgusting habits!!! Move out of my Damn way!!! (storms out of the kitchen)
Rosy: So Lobster…-
Lobster: oh heck nah. I have things to do.
Rosy: Lobster? I need you to do something useful in your life that'll make your mother proud, having given birth to you. So, do something about the steak that table 4 got, or I am going to come to you with all my problems. I will be back after tables, 6, 9, 33, and 14. If I come back here and it's not in good condition, I will end your life.
Lobster: Holmer? you think you can coat it in that honey glaze you make? Rosy, scares the living safety out of me. And I want to make her stop flagging me down when Skipper isn't here.
(the next day)
Skipper: What the hell are you thinking? taking my produce man, and my go-getter-done guy!!!
Jessica; what? Skip? I did what you told me to do, if I wanted something I shouldn't be afraid of taking it. Or as you put it "in order to play the games right, you have to have a backbone, gut and a 'don't give two cents about a ' attitude." right? (walks away)
Skipper: you don't get to walk away from me, young lady, I am the boss around here-
Jessica: No Skip, you're the boss of your kitchen staff that runs the food. I am in charge of my kitchen staff who makes desserts for when and likely all the time, your staff messes up. So you no longer get to play by the same rules as before.
Skipper: What do you want?
Jessica: Full custody of Willem Harth, and Jupiter Lankton-
Skipper: what? No!?!? Those are my-
Jessica: shut up, I am requesting this, this is my future, and I intend to not waste what I want. I will have the two of them, no questions asked. I want Benny the producer guy-
Skipper: producer guy…you mean Benny?
Jessica: We will share benny.
Skipper: what for? You don't need produce-
Jessica: strawberry shortcake, blueberry pie, chocolate canes, sugar from actual sugar canes. Indigo, flowers for cake designs, watermelon, lemons, fruits for all sorts and kinds, even dragon fruit, passion fruit, cherry pie, cherry cake, cherry tart pops-
Skipper: you mean Pop tarts-
Jessica: no you incompetent imbecile. I am not stealing the Pop-Tarts brand. I am telling you that you are going to give up things, and you are going to share custody, do I make myself clear.
Skipper: …fine.
Oscar: you two make a cute couple.
Both: (looks at him stunned.)
Jessica: I hope you know how to dig a grave by the end of this.
Oscar: I'm sorry?
Skipper: I am not gonna date my own flesh and blood you perverted jerk wad.
Oscar: flesh and blood-?
Jessica: I see no one has told you. But Oscar, this is my father. We fight everyday and night. I learned he existed through my mother, and sixth sense while working here. And the two of us have been working here for…(looks at her watch) 6 years. Why no one has fired him is beyond my existence.
Oscar: Skip, aren't you in your mid 40's? And Jess, aren't you 30?
Jessica: First of all I'm 28. And Skip is 56.
Skipper: 49. Will be 50 in December.
Jessica: only if you don't keel over and die by then.
Skipper: We are not done talking about who you are allowed to have or not!!!
Jessica: Tell it to my finger bug, I'm not moving on my decision.
Part 3
Holmer: (walks into the freezer and jumps a little) what the heck are you doing in here?
Lobster: How do you escape her?
Holmer: I don't know who you are talking about, but staying in the freezer isn't going to help you. It'll just end you.
Lobster: Rosy, man, she has been on my case for weeks now, she stopped flagging Skipper down for her problems, and goes straight to me. I know we have a policy on not complaining about our workers, but I really want to complain, cause I am done being seen by that monster. So I ask, how do you escape her?
Homer: simple, wear the most plainest coat, flower yourself in the most undesirable clothing, cologne, like really musk it into your clothing, and be really nasty at times. Let her catch you diving into a dumpster once in a while. and then go out and flirt with her, or be really weird with her. Also to put a bonus on that, make her Revolted with you as a person in order for her to not want to be associated with you.
Lobster: why haven't I thought of that?
Holmes: cause your mother dropped you on your head as a baby and now you function on of a brain cell.
(That same day)
Skipper: my gosh Rosy, go bother some other Kitchen staff. Stop flagging me down about your problems with table fours Steak-
Rosy: no Skipper, you are the head of the kitchen staff that doesn't reek like the sewage system and flirt with me with tuna and sardine breath. So help me out here a little. I'm tired of being flagged down for something that shouldn't even be needing my attention-
Skipper: You're tired of doing your job?
Rosy: I'm tired of people telling me how to do your job, you entitled lard bucket.
Skipper: Really original. Really hurtful.
Rosy: Do your job so I can do my job. (Walks past Lobster)
Lobster: hey cutie-
Rosy: ew, who are you and why are you talking to me? (Walks out of the kitchen)
Part 4-Burnt Pasta
Otto: James?
James: What do you want?
Otto: table 30 wants their pasta cooked up again. They say it's undercooked. And I don't want to go back into the kitchen with Skipper trying to bite my head off or imagining my head cooked up and stringing like spaghetti.
James: What do you want me to do about it?
Otto: I was hoping you would go talk to Skipper for me. Cause you see…I already went into the kitchen 6 to 10 times today, and each time I was greeted with a spatula. Besides, Skipper seems to tolerate you more so than he does me. Besides I think that if Skipper saw you instead of me, he'd at least glare at you and then rudely ask what you want…and-
James: ok!! Ok!!! Stop and shut up already. I'll go ask. (walks into the kitchen) yo Skip, Table 30's pasta is undercooked.
Skipper: what the heck are telling me for?
James: cause you're the cook.
Skipper: I am the Chef. These two bimbo's are the cooks. Tell them your problems or go cry me a river.Not literally, cause your river is so damn useless, that if anyone falls in it's hard to get them a lifeline for how shallow it is. Which brings me to "your river is so shallow that if someone drowns in it or trips in it, they're automatically an idiot." Now go tell Otto, that the next person who comes in here instead of him, their life is in his hands. Got that?
James: yeah…I did.(walks out of the kitchen)
Otto: so? What did he-
James: do your own job and face Skip like you have some balls. (Walks away)
Part 5- Burnt Pasta pt 2
Otto: (breaths in and walks into the kitchen) hey Skip-
Lobster: he's out back yelling at someone.
Otto: oh!! Thank goodness.
Lobster: What do you need, little man?
Otto: Table 6…they say their pasta is undercooked…and I was wondering if-
Lobster: you want us to cook it up again, is that it?
Otto: yeah…?
Lobster: no problem bud. We can do that for ya.
Holmer: Just it's gonna cost ya.
Otto: like what?
Holmer: well…(looks at Lobster, knowingly, and then turns back to Otto) oh just…some grocery shopping, every now and then when we ask you to.
Otto: so…drop everything and do stuff for you?
Lobster: yeah. You get it. Listen. If you want something great, you gotta give us something great in return. Or equivalent for what we can make.
Otto: oh…ok…how am I to do that?
Lobster: gotta get us something we like.
Otto: like?
Holler: something worth our time. If we told ya, we would be expecting it. You're a decently, somewhat smart man, be visually aware.
Lobster: Yeah, surprise us.
Otto: now?
Holmer: You want actual cooked pasta? So that your tables stops flagging you down?
Otto: yeah. I do.
Holmer: Then I suggest you start working.
Otto: I'll get right on it. (Runs out of the kitchen)
Jessica: You guys are nasty. making Otter Patotter run around for you, like a Water boy, only for him to give his table disgraceful, tasteless, tacky spaghetti that someone could get from the dollar store.
Lobster: I call it low quality bribe.
Jessica: I call it "being lazy."
Holmer: people want us to run around making, and remaking food. Then complain about the plate being too hot after it was fresh out of the steamer, to the servers and they come in 10-100 times a day complaining to the customers. So I say, "why not let them have their way with us when they have something worth our time and effort."
Jessica: First of all, people got their plates the day that the steamer was done cycling through the dishes that were supposed to be cooled off the day before, and had the right to complain, because they actually got 2nd degree burns. Second of all, if you guys did your jobs correctly, you won't have people complaining, and servers running in and out of here everyday.
Lobster: well…people complain to us about your desserts.
Jessica: when?
Holmer: that one pastry with the walnuts-?
Jessica: name three more and I'll get off your backs.
Holmer: …
Jessica: exactly. So…I suggest be better, and Otto won't have to come back here.
Holmer: why? You like him?
Jessica: I want to throw a hot iron skillet at him. Each time Skipper gets to working on his table's food. Otto decides to hover over the food, and then comes to my side and breathes on stuff. I had to throw a whole batch of fruit tarts in the trash, cause he breathed on them.
Holmer: Are you saying Otto breathes on the food?
Lobster: Oh no…We've been feeding people Otter Patotter breath.