Ronald McWeasley, The Boy Who Done Nothing
(((7 years old)))
One day, Ronald McWeasley, or better known as Ron Weasley had been pranked to the death by his older brothers, Fred and George.
Like literally died.
For seven minutes.
Scaring a kid with his arachnophobia to death can result to death, who knew?
Anyway, Fred and George was disowned and sent to live with their relatives in Ireland. Let them see how it's like living there.
Anyway, when Ron return from the death, there's a mishap.
You see, when wizard dies, they go this afterlife train station thing. Yea, weird heaven, I know. Anyway, the original Ron Weasley soul ended up got swapped with one Ronald McWeasley at the afterlife station counter. Yea, honest mistake. The Reapers had not updated their paperwork system since World War 1. There's so many people died in less than 100 years that the Reapers are still swamped in paperwork to assign who goes where. Those poor overworked understaffed civil servants…
Anyway, Ronald McWeasley, though we will just refer him to Ron in this shitty oneshot for ease of typing is a dude that never in his life watching the nerdy shit that is the Harry Potter franchise. Everyone says he should really watch the movies but Ron doesn't really feel like watching a stupid boy getting harassed by a bald pedophile.
All he knows about HP is there is a Boy Who Lived, very shitty title, I know and he is stalked by a bald pedophile named Morty. At least he assume so coz everyone in the Wizarding World called him You Know Who. Seriously, they're really bad at coming up with titles here.
So, Morty it is!
Now, as a get well gift, Percy, his another older brother give him a pet rat, Scabbers. Scabbers is a long time family friend and is a very awesome and intelligent rat.
However, like any normal person from Earth, Ron decides he doesn't want to get rabies and who the fuck keep rat as a pet, so as soon as he get out of the hospital, he grabbed Scabbers, snapped its neck and feed it to a random stray dog.
Good riddance! Giving a kid that just got out of hospital a rat!?! Percy must really want him dead!
(((Year 1)))
Today, Ronald McWeasley will be going to enroll into Hogwarts. What an ugly name, he thought.
Ron was just having a nice time, glad to finally get out the safety hazard death trap that is the Weasley Manor. Anyway, here he was, just chilling and eating candy when dome rando nerdy kid in glasses just came into his compartment.
Ronald McWeasley is an old soul. Like middle aged old. And he despise children. So, Ron decide that he's just going to stay as the quiet loner kid and not bother dealing with any shitty brats. The glasses kid tried to strike some conversation with him, but he ignore him.
Then, some obnoxious elite brat came in looking this Harry Potter guy. Once again, Ron ignore him while the glasses kid awkwardly conversed with the elite brat. Then, that brat that has now introduce himself as one Draco Malfoy proceed to insult his poverty.
To which Ron just go,
"I am poor. So what? Oh by the way, can you spare me a galleon?"
Ronald McWeasley proves to be the real winner here, as he is now one galleon richer.
Then, a whole lot of shit happens after that and Ron get his turn under the Sorting Hat. The Ravenclaw, Gryffindor and Slytherin sounds like a pain in the ass, so Ron decide to just get sorted into the Hufflepuff. You know, the House No One Gives a Shit?
Ron found peace, well, as much as you can get in a boarding school full of kids going through puberty that is. He kept to himself and not deal with any of the crap that's going on in school.
Then Halloween happened and a troll got out or some shit. Some Gryffindor girl called Hermione died getting whacked by a troll, he thinks.
Eh. Not his problem.
Anyway, in DADA class, Ron was trying out this spell.
However, the wand he gets is a hand-me-down like every single shit in Weasley household, so the wand is really incompatible with him.
He flicked and say Expelliarmus but instead the spell hit Professional Quirrel's head and it exploded. The prof died just like that.
Yikes.
(((Year 2)))
After a very expensive court case, Ronald McWeasley had been released from all charges of murder. Apparently there's no such thing as juvenile criminal law in the Wizarding World.
Well, Ronald is back and everyone avoid him, to which, great! More peace for me!
Anyway, while they're shopping for school supplies, Ron saw some blond elite git out in a suspicious book into his little sister's bucket of supplies. Now, Ron doesn't give a shit about little Ginny, that cringe little fangirl, but he do feel like he need to stop this pedophile from making a move on his little sister.
So he steal the diary back and give it to Dumbledore when he come to school.
After a week, Dumbledore summon him to his office and says he greatly appreciated his help by handing the diary to him and assure him that it has been dealt with. Ron assume that the pedo had got arrested and he pat himself on the back for a job well done.
Oh yeah, in DADA, Ron had accidentally killed Gilderoy Lockhart. Well, in a way, he guess. He forgot to lock the cage for the Manic Pixies after class and they proceed to break out while Gilderoy was unaware and eat him alive.
Ron did not tell anyone about this. He really don't want to get to court again.
(((Year 3)))
Nothing really happened in his third year. Oh yea, Sirius Black commit suicide in Azkaban. That's something.
Oh yea, Remus Lupin, the DADA teacher that year ended up getting killed by Ron. He turned into a werewolf one day and so Ron had to kill him with a Bombarda.
Ron is starting to see a pattern here and he did not like it. Well, at least it is self defense. It's a werewolf! Who cares?
(((Year 4)))
They have a new professor in DADA again. Alastor Moody. I his first class, he taught them the 3 Unforgivable Spells.
Now, Ron had completely misunderstood the class and tried to test out Avada Kadavra. His wand, the useless stick that it is instead of killing the spider on his table had instead shot toward Alastor Moody. Dude just died right on the spot.
Initially, Ron was about to get expelled and probably jailed to Azkaban but instead he had been praised as a hero, as apparently the Alastor Moody is a fake and a hardcore follower of Dark Lord Morty. They found the real Alastor Moody and saved him.
They asked, how did he know?
Fuck do I know, he replies.
The Aurors concluded that Ron Weasley has magical instinct and he just knows how to pick up bad guys and leave it at that. It's the world of magic. Bullshit like that happens all the time.
Oh yeah, Cedric Diggory won the Triwizard Tournament and bring honor to Hufflepuff. That's something.
(((Year 5)))
Nothing really happens in his fifth year. Tho Dumbledore is in a really good mood these days.
Ron overheard him talk to Snape that he almost got all the Whore Crusts.
Ron just go, wow. For a hundred years old wizard Dumbledore still has it, huh? What kind potion he drinks, coz Ron totally wants that when he gets old.
Anyway, the DADA teacher this year is Dolores Umbridge. Now, the Ministry must really want her to die if they sent her into the class where Ron Weasley enrolled to.
Dolores Umbridge does everything in her power to keep Ron in control, fearing for her impending doom. However, no one can escape death. And Ron Weasley is the embodiment of Death itself, if you are a DADA professor.
One day, Ron is answering his OWL test. Umbridge has banned all spell practices in order to stay alive, so the class is all theory now. Surely, Umbridge thinks, that Ron Weasley could not possibly kill her!
However, Ronald Weasley is unstoppable. You see, he brought in a pack of 100 flavor candy to snack on in class, so Umbridge confiscate it. She eat one of the candy, and it just so happens that it is the peanut flavor.
Umbridge is deathly allergic to peanuts.
So she died like all the others before her. May she rest in hell.
(((Year 6)))
Severus Snape had always wanted to be a DADA Professor.
However, that is until the accursed being that is Ron Weasley came into enrollment in Hogwarts. Over five professors had died by his hand, accidents or not.
So, when Dumbledore finally gave him the position, Snape had thought every possible way to escape the unbridled wrath of Ron Weasley. He will defeat Death itself!
And Snape achieved this by just disbanding Defense Against the Dark Arts class and founded the Arcane Combat class.
The whole teaching staff gave Severus Snape an outstanding applause for his genius solution, as Snape has survived to the end of the year with no life threatening incident whatsoever. The students give him 10 outta 10 review for his great education service. Snape stood proud for his achievement, and he will be teaching Arcane Combat for years to come.
Hell, one might say he is slated for Headmaster after Dumbledore retires!
(((Year 7)))
So apparently Harry Potter has been possessed by Dark Lord Morty, something about being The Final Whore Crust or something.
Well, he didn't know that Dumbledore is gay. Dude want that Harry ass, who knew?
Now, for some reason, Dumbledore has an unrealistic amount of faith over Ronald McWeasley competence in assassination, so he was sent by Dumbledore, without his consent by the way, to kill Morty.
Do this and I will bury all your DADA murder cases, Dumbledore says.
Anyway, Ron decides that fuck Dumbledore wishes and decide to join Morty, which is hilariously easy. He just go to one of those Death Eater rally and join the club. When the news of the great and terrible Ronald McWeasley joining the club came to Morty's ears, he doesn't waste time to invite the great assassin over to his hideout.
Now, Ron has no love for the Muggles despite him used to be one. He doesn't have superiority complex over them either. However, Dumbledore is old and may die anytime now, so Ron figure, eh, better join the winning side then.
Morty, who used to be Harry had prepared a personal lavish dinner for him. Apparently the personality of Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort (who?) had merged and what emerge is Dark Lord Morty. He remembers how much of a good friend Ron always had been to him and he is very grateful to had him as his right hand man.
Ron has zero memory about being friends with Harry, like at all. They just do homeworks together and partnered in labs, that's it. Well, if Morty thinks they're friends then Ron isn't going to correct him.
Nepotism is the greatest magic of them all, afterall.
Anyway, while eating chicken, Morty had choked. Man, he must have forgot that he is not part snake anymore. You can't just swallow a drumstick whole, Morty. Ron uselessly try to do the Heimlich Maneuver but then Ron realized that he has no idea how Heimlich Maneuver works.
So Morty ended up choked on a chicken drumstick. Yikes.
Anyway, the Death Eaters barged in for their lord's rescue and found him deas on Ron's feet. So Ron, in quick thinking just declare himself as the new Dark Lord and now they obey him.
Ron then take over the Ministry, abolish the Statute of Secrecy, and Wizards take over Britain.
(((370 years later)))
Ronald McWeasley grand funeral had just been over.
He was a great man and a visionary. He choose to reveal magic to the world and now Wizards and Witches rule the world.
The Muggles tried to fight back, but seriously what modern weapons can do against magic that control Space-Time and violate physics, potions that literally give you boosted luck and regeneration and they can also make tools that turn back time in case Muggles succeed a little bit, so that it can be corrected by going back to the past.
The Muggles tried one last ditch attempt to defeat the Wizarding World by firing all nuclear missiles to Britain.
Wizards proceed to just point their wands and transfigure those missiles into cotton candy.
Seriously, why the fuck Wizards go into hiding anyway? They're fucking broken. It makes zero sense why they didn't rule the world until now.
Anyway, now the world is 80% magic now. Through genetic engineering and magic, Ron had promoted the birth of many Muggleborn wizards and outbreed the Muggle gene. Who needs those useless magicless DNA anyway? It is an obsolete evolutionary model and should be purged into extinction. Now the 20% Muggles left are contained in Australia, where all the toxic and deadly creatures belong. If they want their descendants to stay magicless then what can we do? Let them chuck rocks to kangaroos for meat and get infected with herpes from koalas if they want no part in humanity progress so much.
Ooo wooo we want to preserve our species hurr durrr magic is bad its unnatural woo woooo.
Cringe.
The world is now full of wizards and witches doing amazing things. They have terraformed the moon and turn it into a luxurious green and blue paradise. No more boring old pale moon anymore. World hunger is solved through magic agriculture and deserts has been turned into forests. Quality of life had skyrocketed through potioneering. Everyone life expectancy is now 400 years and counting.
Ronald McWeasley enjoy a glass of martini at his villa while viewing Olympus Mons, the tallest mountain on Mars. He decided to retire from being the Wizard Godemperor and faked his death. He drank a Youth Fountain Potion and now return back to his 20s form. Thanks, Snape. Very cool. Whoever says immortality is lonely and stagnant doesn't know how to enjoy life. Of course immortality is boring if all you do with it is stay in your basement! Sheesh, use all that time to do some great projects! Touch some alien grass on other planets! That's how you use immortality!
The Mars terraforming project is on rapid development. Ron is so glad that he decide to reveal magic to the world coz fuck that secrecy shit. If you got magic, lets do amazing things. Ron has a dream to see humanity completely conquer the solar system and soon, the galaxy. There's already news that they had found real evidence of alien life in other solar systems. How exciting!
Ron sipped his martini. Here's to more magic and wonders to come