Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
It was a peaceful day in Konoha. Birds chirped, merchants shouted, and somewhere, Kakashi was definitely late for something.
But then, it happened.
A moment of collective clarity.
Every single woman in the village—from kunoichi to civilians, from single to married, from the living to the actual ghosts of the dead—felt the exact same thought ignite in their minds like a well-placed fire jutsu.
Naruto Uzumaki, the village pariah, the loud-mouthed knucklehead, looked exactly like the Fourth Hokage.
What if he was related?
What if he was his son?
--
And Then, There Was War.
It started small.
An old tea shop owner looked up from serving a customer and murmured, "Minato-sama did like ramen. Maybe the boy inherited that… among other things."
A civilian woman whispered, "He has that same wild blond hair…"
A kunoichi, mid-shuriken practice, accidentally hit her teammate as she squinted at a distant Naruto running from a pack of angry cats. "His eyes… wait a minute…"
A newlywed woman suddenly turned to her husband and said, "If we ever divorce, just know it's not you. It's Naruto."
Ghostly wails filled the air as Mikoto Uchiha, Sasuke's dead mother, manifested in the afterlife and sighed, "Minato always was handsome… Naruto's age isn't that much of a problem when you're already dead."
That's when all hell broke loose.
--
The first strike came from the single kunoichi faction.
Leading the charge was Anko Mitarashi, fueled by dango, chaos, and a dangerous level of excitement. She kicked down the door to a Konoha bathhouse where other kunoichi had gathered.
"LISTEN UP, LADIES," she declared, flipping a kunai dramatically. "We all know the truth now! Naruto is basically Minato 2.0, which means he's prime husband material!"
Kurenai Yuhi blinked. "He's… twelve."
"AND YOUR POINT IS?!"
"…Fair enough."
--
As chaos erupted, a new faction emerged:
The Married Women's Brigade.
Despite their legally binding marriages, these women saw no problem shifting allegiances.
"I can always get a divorce," one woman muttered as she sharpened a kunai.
"My husband won't even notice I'm gone," another scoffed.
A brave civilian husband spoke up. "But honey, what about our kids?"
She patted his cheek. "Shhh. Naruto will be a better father to them."
--
Meanwhile, in the Pure Land, the afterlife itself trembled.
Mikoto Uchiha and Kushina Uzumaki, Naruto's mother, were now locked in combat.
"HE'S MY SON, YOU CRAZY WOMAN!" Kushina roared, summoning chains.
"And Minato was my first crush! IT'S CLOSE ENOUGH!" Mikoto countered, throwing spectral kunai.
Watching from the sidelines, Mito Uzumaki, the First Hokage's wife, simply sipped her ethereal tea. "This village gets weirder every year."
--
Word reached the Third Hokage faster than a fresh bowl of ramen to Naruto's hands.
The old man sat in stunned silence as his entire village collapsed into a feral competition for Naruto's affection.
In an emergency meeting, he called upon Kakashi, Jiraiya, and Iruka.
"Iruka," Hiruzen said gravely, "you're Naruto's teacher. Do you think he's ready for this?"
Iruka put his head in his hands. "Sir, Naruto can't even do basic math."
Jiraiya wheezed in laughter. "MY BOY IS A CHICK MAGNET, JUST LIKE HIS OLD MAN!"
Kakashi, reading Icha Icha Paradise, turned a page. "I mean… I did see this coming."
The Hokage took a deep breath. "Then, gentlemen… what do we do?"
A silence fell over the room.
Jiraiya coughed. "We do nothing. This is hilarious."
The Third Hokage exhaled a long, long breath. "…Fair enough."
--
Meanwhile, Naruto Uzumaki, the center of this insanity, had no idea any of this was happening.
He sat happily at Ichiraku Ramen, blissfully slurping down a bowl of miso ramen.
"This is the best day ever!" he cheered, completely oblivious to the war being waged over his existence.
Behind him, women of all ages fought viciously in the streets, tearing at each other with jutsu, kitchen knives, and legal divorce papers.
Tenten was launching scrolls like missiles.
Anko was throwing dango skewers like senbon.
A civilian woman was trying to reanimate Minato just so she could argue with him.
And Naruto, completely unaware, ordered another bowl.
"You know, Teuchi-ossan," Naruto grinned, "today feels really weird, but the ramen tastes even better than usual!"
Teuchi, the wise ramen chef, simply nodded.
"It has begun."
--
As the war raged on, a loud voice suddenly boomed across Konoha.
"EVERYONE, SHUT UP!"
Silence fell over the battlefield.
Every woman turned to see Hinata Hyuga, standing atop a rooftop, veins bulging as her Byakugan activated.
"YOU ALL THINK YOU CAN JUST TAKE NARUTO-KUN?!" she screeched. "YOU THINK I'VE BEEN STALKING HIM SINCE CHILDHOOD FOR NOTHING?! I'LL FIGHT EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU BITCHES!"
For a brief, horrifying moment, the women of Konoha hesitated.
Then they rushed her all at once.
The fight continued.
--
The Third Hokage stood atop the Hokage Monument, looking down at his village.
The streets were burning. Women were screaming. Naruto was still happily eating ramen.
Jiraiya was taking detailed notes for future novels.
Kakashi was still reading.
And the Hokage?
He sighed deeply, pulled out his pipe, and muttered:
"I miss the days when Orochimaru was my biggest problem."
THE END.