Author's Note: I do not own Beverly Hills 90210 or it's characters.

"Bren!"

Brenda heard Val calling after her, but her only thought was that she had to get out of there. Far away from him. Far away from the trap his eyes so easily laid out in front of her. What the hell was it about this man that could make her forget her entire existence with a single look? All the bullshit. All the lies and deceit and false promises and yet still one look from him could send her straight into the inviting flames that would inevitably scorch her.

She walked faster. Determined to escape the nearness of him. But no matter how quickly she moved, or how much distance she put between them, she just couldn't shake it. The exhilarating feeling of his hands on her. The heat of her skin where his lips grazed her neck. The scent of him that was now lingering on her own clothing mocking her. Dylan had a way of flooding her system with so much love and desire that she could drown in it. She hated that she still craved him so much. And the way he looked at her...

No. It's a lie.

FLASH

She sits alone in the dimly lit room, shadows dancing on the walls as the candles provide the only light in her London flat. She stares out the window, searching, as if the storm raging outside can provide the answers she's looking for.

The betrayal by the man she had given everything to felt like a jagged tear in the fabric of her soul.

She used to think their connection was sacred, something that occurred once in a lifetime, only to be blindsided by the revelation that it was no more than ordinary, and according to him, didn't exist at all.

Donna didn't mean to hurt her. She truly didnt. The admission came on as a result of girl talk and drinking while catching up over the phone. Donna called to check in on Brenda herself after Thanksgiving. After Dylan brushed Donna's question about her off. After all the things he said to Kelly. On a beach. In a game of Battleship.

The things he'd said swirled in Brenda's head.

I left Bren 2 years ago.

I've only connected with 2 people, one is dead, the other is sitting across from me.

He went back for Kelly.

He missed Kelly.

He was at her wedding?

Donna's admission of all the things that had happened since Dylan arrived back in Beverly Hills shattered Brenda's reality. It disintegrated everything that she believed to be true.

She didn't correct Donna. She never commented on the obvious inconsistencies in Dylan's timeline and stories. It didnt matter.

Because he didn't just leave her. He erased her.

Flash

It was all a lie. And whatever moment just happened between them at the After Dark was nothing more than that either. A lie. It always was with him. He was just good at making her forget that.

"Bren!" She heard Val calling behind her again.

"Come on, wait up." she said as she finally caught up to Brenda. "Christ do you know how hard it is to run in heels?" She asked between breaths.

Brenda chuckled slightly but the laugh was void of anything resembling humor. "Sorry, I just had to..."

"Get out of there?...I know" Val interrupted her, then placed her hand on her sister's back to stop her. "Are you okay, Bren?"

Brenda looked away from her as she felt the familiar sting of tears forming behind her eyes.

Not here.

"Yeah, can we just go?"

Val nodded to her with a worried expression. "Of course. I'll be right back." Val turned on her heels and went back in to let the other girls know they were leaving. She came back out a few minutes later with Brandon trailing behind her.

"Annie and Janet wanted to stay so the guys are going to give them a ride home."

Brenda nodded her head to Val, feeling badly that she was ruining her and Annie's evening, but she didn't want to bring Brandon down, too.

"Brandon you don't have to leave with us. Stay. Enjoy your night." Brenda tried to add a casualness to her voice. An indicator that she was fine.

He gave her a look of concern. "Oh come on, you know you can't hide anything from me. Twin thing, remember? I can feel when you're not okay. And this sudden ache in my chest...well, I'm guessing that's from you?"

She rolled her eyes at him. The damn twin connection sucked sometimes.

Brenda crossed her arms and gave a shrug of her shoulders. "Probably just indigestion."

Brandon just rolled his eyes at her smart ass remark and put his arm around her shoulders. "Come on. Let's go."

Brenda simply nodded but kept her face blank, hiding her real hurt behind a mask of strength. A tactic she had mastered well.

When they made it back to her suite she just wanted to crawl up and block the world away. Regroup. Get her bearings. She was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to escape, but her siblings apparently weren't convinced that she should be left alone just yet.

"Guess I'll be taking the couch tonight." Brandon said as he pointed to the couch in Brenda's suite.

"Brandon, you do NOT have to sleep on that uncomfortable couch, okay? You can go home, I-"

"If you say you're fine again, I'm going to lose it, Bren." Val said sternly. "I've already given two verbal punishments tonight but I bet I can dish out a third if you don't cut the shit."

For the first time since her dance with Dylan, Brenda actually smiled. She crossed her arms and looked at her sister amused. She cleared her throat, "Actually I was going to say that I'll get YOU to stay with me."

"Oh."

She looked down briefly before meeting Val's eyes again, "I know I'm not fine, Val. But I also know that with you guys here now, I will be. "

Val and Brandon nodded at her and smiled.

"Damn straight. We got your back. So, what's going on, Bren?" Brandon asked concerned.

Brenda smiled and rolled her eyes playfully. "We'll get to that in a minute. First..." She turned her attention to her sister "What do you mean two verbal punishments?" She eyed her accusingly.

Val smirked at her and shrugged.

"Oh, god. Val, what did you do?" Brenda asked, afraid she would confirm the answer she already knew.

"I was provoked!" Val defended herself, throwing her hands out to her side.

"Val." Brenda said more sternly waiting for a real answer.

"Alright. I might have dished out a couple of hard truths to Dylan...and Kelly."

"Kelly? What did Kelly do to you now?" Brandon asked, but he was not at all surprised. He was used to this with those two.

"Let's just say she was lending a hand to her friend so I lended a hand to mine." She said with a shrug like it was no big deal.

"What did you say to them?" Brenda asked curiously.

"Nothing that wasn't true."

"Valerie." Brenda's voice was demanding. She wasn't backing down.

"Okay, fine! I mightttt have told Kelly that she was selfish. A liar. Insecure. Manipulative." She counted off on her fingers and looked to the ceiling as she listed them off. "Obsessed with Brenda's life...Always pretending...playing the victim...always blaming others for her actions and um...maybe just a few other things." She said with honey sweetness and a smile as she clasped her hands in front of her.

Brandon shook his head, "Oh is that all? Well...at least you held back." He said sarcastically with a scoff and roll of his eyes.

"Hey I did! I didn't even get to call her a hypocrital, judgemental, holier than thou-"

Brenda tried hard to stifle her laughter but her snort gave her away. She knew it might have been over the top, but having been on the other side of Valerie's hard truth smackdown herself, it was hard to not feel amusement at Kelly feeling the heat. She tried to mask her laugh at Kelly's discomfort as a sassy comment toward Val.

"Sorry...you...Miss Master Manipulator herself called someone else manipulative?"

"Hey, I already know who I am. But I refuse to let the kettle think she's anything other than black. I mean come on, you know what they say. Glass houses and all of that."

"I see. Anddd Dylan?...What did you say to him after I walked away?"

"You mean sleaze? " She teased. "I called him an asshole, an egotistical self-centered jerk. A self-destructive coward...maybe insinuated that he was a slut..."

Brandon let out a snort this time and Brenda looked at him sharply. He put his hands up in apology still smiling.

Val brought her index finger to her mouth and crinkled her eyebrows. "damn. I should have said that to Kelly, too." She blew out a breath, "Oh well. Noted for next time." Then she fluttered her eyelashes in innocence.

Brenda looked at her brother as they shook their heads together.

"What?" Val asked. "It's just a little tough love."

"Yeah, except for the love part." Brandon joked.

"And what did you do after you left them there bleeding in the middle of the After Dark?" Brenda asked through a smile.

"Came to find you. I didn't do anything else I swear."

"That explains why Dylan left in such a hurry."

The twins stood in front of Val with their arms crossed. Brandon shook his head amused.

"Oh come on, it's not like they didn't have it coming alright? I've had it with their games. You two may have the ability to see good in everyone but I choose to hold a mirror up to their flaws. Harsh but direct. And they're lucky to recieve it. It's good for them. Allows for personal reflection and growth." She shrugged as if it was obvious.

"Uh huhhhh. And the fact that you got to tell off Kelly?" Brenda asked with a smirk and eyed her humorously.

Val shrugged, "Bonus." she said smartly before turning her attention to her brother.

"Brandon you might be perfectly willing to forget all the bullshit but I'm not."

"It wasn't like that, alright? I was just having a good time." Brandon looked down feeling guilty. "I guess I did get a little carried away with her, but I haven't forgotten anything. Seeing those two together...Well let's just say it doesn't sting any less."

"You still love her don't you?" Brenda asked softly. She knew her brother almost as well as she knew herself, and the look on his face tonight was hard to ignore.

Brandon took a deep breath before turning his attention to his twin. "You got any ice cream?"

She smiled at him. "You know I do."

Minutes later the three of them sat around the counter with two scoops each.

"Kelly and I...we've been through a lot together. Am I still in love with her? I'm not sure. I don't think I am, but I do think a part of me will always love her."

Brenda nods slightly in response as she continues listening.

"But I've moved on. I probably shouldn't have been flirting back with her that way."

"Oh don't beat yourself up, Brandon. I usually condone flirting when its not attached to blonde ex bimbos that repeatedly screw over my family." Val said as she put a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth.

Brandon just gave her a slight smirk and rolled his eyes before turning his attention to Brenda.

"And what about you, Bren?"

"What about me?"

Brandon raised his eyebrows as if his question was obvious.

Brenda looked down defeated, knowing she couldn't put it off or hide it from them.

"Well it's like you said, Brandon. It's just so much history...I mean don't get me wrong, I love Chace. I really do. It's just that Dylan and I have been through so much together, it's hard to not get drawn into it.. Seeing him again is..."

"I know." Brandon looked at her understanding.

"You know I think I've just been trying so hard since I got here to push it all away. Trying so hard to keep it out of my mind that it's having the opposite effect. It's overwhelming me. Maybe instead of boxing it up I should face it head on. You know? Little by little until im desensitized to his affect on me."

"Well that's certainly an idea...but..." Brandon looked at Brenda searching her eyes.

"But?" She asked.

"But don't you think that maybe there could be a reason you can't ignore it?"

"I don't know...do you?" She challenged.

Brandon smirked and shook his head. "Same drama, different decade."

He had to get her back.

How the fuck am I supposed to do that?

Dylan had no idea, but the thought wouldn't go away. It lingered in the air constantly until it had finally solidified and taken root in his mind. He didn't know how much of himself she still carried with her. He didn't know just how much of himself he left behind when he walked away from her in London until she was in his arms again. He felt whole. Put together. Found.

Dylan wasn't confused anymore, not about his feelings anyway. He knew exactly what he wanted. What he needed. And blocking it out was no longer an option. But the new confusion that surrounded him were all questions like what if he got it wrong back then? What the hell was he thinking? How could he have made such a mess of things and destroyed them this way? And most importantly what the hell was he going to do now?

One thing Dylan did know was that he didn't have a shot in hell at getting her back unless he could answer those questions. ESPECIALLY since she was engaged to someone else in the first place.

Dylan had spent the weekend spinning. On Sunday morning he called in for his first emergency double session with Dr. Linda. Luckily she was on call during the weekend often seeing as a large part of her client base were in AA and NA. She made herself available as part of the program, which worked out well since Dylan was headed straight first into a spiral. He sat on the couch, his hands fidgeting nervously in his lap.

"Was it the same nightmare or were there any changes?"

"It's been the same one every night since they started a week ago. Me struggling in the water, drowning, then Brenda shows up reaching for me right before she starts to..." He looks down at his bouncing knee and releases a long winded breath before continuing, "go under herself, moving further and further beyond my reach...each time I have to watch her sink deeper and deeper...and then I wake up."

"I see." The doctor said nodding slowly, and then she looked at him for a long moment, registering his nervousness. She looked deep in thought. "Dylan, I can tell that these nightmares are wearing you down. I truly want to help you, and I do believe that I can." She paused briefly and then continued. "I think I have a pretty good idea about what your subconscious is trying to tell you."

Hope filled Dylan's chest at her words. This was it. This would help him find the answers he nee-

"However."

Shit. Knew that seemed too easy.

"Understanding your past behaviors, your coping mechanisms...and well...your fears. It's essential to your progress moving forward. As a recovering addict, giving you my interpretation without first knowing your patterns and then giving you the proper tools to cope with it could make things worse. It could be dangerous for your recovery. Therefore, before I can assume correctly, I still need to help you untangle your history a little. Is that alright with you?"

Dylan let out a frustrated breath. "Do I really have a choice?" He asked rhetorically.

Dr. Linda looked at him seriously, "Unfortunately there's no easy way out when it comes to understanding your mind. And while we do always have a choice, consider that sometimes the harder choices are the ones we need to make the most.

And I always seem to choose wrong. Fine. We'll do it your way, Doc.

Dylan nodded in understanding. "Yeah, that I know... Alright Doc. what do you wanna know?"

"You said that things started to change with Brenda after Baja. But you never got to tell me what happened. Let's start there."

Baja. I knew this was coming.

Dylan took a deep breath. Baja. Everything that happened after it. It stirred feelings about himself that he didn't like. He was a different person after Baja, after Paris, after Kelly...He wrung his hands together nervously, and began telling her about one of the best and worst trips he'd ever taken. Best because it was the most amazing weekend with the girl he loved and wanted more than anything. He remembered every moment of it. Their stupid little fight that ended in the sweetest make-up. Singing a ridiculous song just to get her to smile. Dancing all night...almost all night. Being free and fun with the girl who had saved him. He became the truest and purest version of himself. He remembered every moment of it and would forever.

He couldn't make himself regret it, but he also couldn't deny the storm that came after. How it seemed to be their downfall. How it seemed like it ripped their relationship apart at the seams. How it seemed to be the beginning of the end for them that time around. He made his way through the story with Dr. Linda. His need to be close to Brenda constantly. His wanting more time with her in their young life. Baja. The dreaded wedding and how he felt afterwards, the sneaking around, Brenda leaving home and moving in with him. Dylan had to stop and compose himself before he continued, a feeling of dread settling over him as he remembered Jim's threat.

Dr. Linda waited patiently, understanding that whatever was coming next seemed to cause a major shift in him.

Dylan leaned forward on his elbows, and rested his head in both hands. He looked up at her and continued. "I guess what happened next...the meeting with her dad in that office...well it was sort of the final nail in the coffin.." he leaned back onto the couch and shook his head a little, "At the time, I tried to pretend that it wasn't. I tried to continue on with Bren after that and convinced myself that in the end it would be okay. We would be okay." He said quietly. Then he smiled and gave a breathy chuckle, shaking his head in disbelief. "But of course I knew deep down that we wouldn't be. That it was a death sentence. Because the person I was when I walked into that office. Well... it wasn't the same person that walked out."

"What happened in that office, Dylan?"

He looked at her seriously for a long moment. "I lost everything."

His session with Dr. Linda dredged up a lot of bullshit he thought he'd long since put behind him, and he was left feeling a little uneasy. He'd told her all about the threat Jim made, about his reasoning for convincing Brenda to go to Paris, about his spiral. He told her about that summer, Kelly, and how filled with guilt he was when Brenda came back. He still remembered everything he felt when he saw her coming down those stairs for the first time in 6 weeks. Joy. Pain. Want. Heartache. Need. Self-loathing. Regret. All mixed with an unfathomable amount of love for her. He'd talked for the whole 2 hours, making it through their break-up, the cookies, the choice, his father's "death," all the way through senior year, freshmen year at CU, her departure for London, Suzanne and Kevin and the spiral that happened after.

Dylan made it through more than he thought possible during the 2 hours. Admittedly, he glossed over quite a bit. He didn't want to dwell too long on anything during that period in his life. Dr. Linda seemed to know what he was doing, but she didn't push him, she simply listened, and asked questions occasionally.

Going through his history with Bren this time didn't leave him with the same lightness as before. Though it had little to do with Brenda and more to do with the fact that Dylan wasn't at all proud of who he had become at that time. Even worse, he knew he still had a lot more bad to go. It left him with a bitter taste in his mouth as he headed back home.

Dylan walked in and threw his keys on the table. He played his answering machine as he sat down and kicked off his shoes. Steve's boisterous voice rang out.

"Yo, McKay. Talked to the twins and it looks like our reunion barbecue is all set for tomorrow evening. You're helping on grill. I'll see you at 5. Oh. And pick up some sausage will ya? And chicken."

BEEP. A second message plays out.

"And sliced cheese. And hotdogs. Oh! And don't forget the buns!" Dylan rolled his eyes and chuckled at his friend.

He looked around himself as he sat on his couch, shamefully coming to the realization that even if he THOUGHT he was doing well keeping Brenda out, looking at his life now, it was staring him in the face the entire fucking time.

He got up and began pacing around his living room, looking at his home through new eyes. The place was littered with evidence of his heart's desire, subconscious placements throughout his home that were stark reminders of her. A vase of lavender scented florals on his small table, one of her favorite smells. Throw pillows. Why the fuck did he have throw pillows? He hated them and thought they were useless, but Brenda. She loved those stupid things. His furniture was a beautiful blend of modern and antique stylings, not necessarily his style, but 100% Bren's. It was mixed in with pieces of him. A Mexican style talestry on the wall. A rug that reminded him of the beach, the warm color of the California sand.

It was a perfect mix of what he imagined a home with Brenda to be. He realized then that he must have decorated it with her in mind. Unknowingly creating a space she might want to exist in with him. His towels. His sheets. His fucking hand soap. Brenda had been on his mind constantly, feeding his thoughts even when he was insistent the dam was working. Even when he swore he was winning at keeping her memory at bay.

Dylan then thought about the coffee shop he frequented often. He always felt at home there. Considered it his "safe place." Now as he brought it to the forefront of his mind, he understands why. The European feel, it reminded him of his time in London. The photos of the theatre, various paintings and artwork, fucking plays lining the bookshelves. The entire atmosphere screamed Brenda.

FOR FUCK SAKE!

No matter how he tried to keep her out or run from her, his mind, his heart could never let her go. It was trying to tell him all this time. He'd built an entire life around what he wanted with Brenda, but he was living in it without her. He had been utterly lost and yet his subconscious had been working to help him find his way the entire time. But now it's too late. He was royally fucked.

Dylan fell asleep on his couch that night, and aside from the same nightmare that woke him at 1am, he slept the entire night there. He didn't wake until the next morning when he heard a knock at the door.

He quickly got up and shook the haze of sleep with a shake of his head. He opened the door and rubbed his sleepy eyes before finally setting sight on the unexpected visitor.

"Hello Darling."

Dont hate me! I promise I didn't forget about this story. I've already got the next few chapters written out and waiting to be proofed. I even had to go back and re-read previous chapters so apologies if you've had to do the same! I'm also working on a new story surrounding the season 4 timeline that I'll start publishing soon. Thanks for all the reviews, keep them coming, the next Chapter of this story will be released soon.