No.
No. No. No.
This—this wasn't real.
It couldn't be.
I—I had misheard him. Right?
Or maybe he was lying. He had to be lying.
Because there was no way—
No way.
Not after everything.
Not after all the moments we shared. Not after he looked at me like that.
Not after I—
My thoughts collapsed in on themselves, crashing and spiraling into something suffocating, something unbearable.
This was supposed to be—this was supposed to be different.
I had imagined this moment a thousand times.
A thousand different ways.
Not once—not once—had it ever ended like this.
My fingers twitched. Still clutching his sleeve.
I should move.
I should say something.
But my mouth wouldn't work. My body wouldn't move. My mind—
A complete wreck.
The words replayed again.
"I don't love you."
Something inside me broke.
Why?
The word echoed in my mind, over and over, like a broken record.
Why?
Why would he say that?
Why now?
Why—when I had finally, finally told him—
Why, when I had poured everything out when I had given him all of me, would he say something like that?
It didn't make sense.
It didn't make sense.
I—I must have misunderstood.
Maybe he meant something else. Maybe he—maybe he just wasn't ready to say it back.
That's it, right?
That had to be it.
Because if it wasn't—if he truly meant it, if he truly never—
No.
I couldn't.
I couldn't accept that.
I stared at him, my vision unfocused, my entire world crumbling around me.
My hands were trembling.
I hadn't even noticed.
The warmth that I had clung to—the warmth that had felt so safe, so certain—was suddenly suffocating. Like I was burning.
"I don't love you."
The words played again.
And again.
And again.
Each time, they cut deeper.
Each time, they chipped away at something inside me, leaving behind something raw, something unbearable.
I had never felt like this before.
Not when I failed.
Not when I lost.
Not when I was at my lowest.
Nothing had ever hurt like this.
Because this—this was supposed to be the moment I had dreamed of.
This was supposed to be the happiest moment of my life.
But instead—
Instead, all I could do was be there, completely frozen, as my mind tore itself apart searching for an answer that didn't exist.
I didn't realize it at first.
Didn't notice the way my vision blurred.
Didn't notice the heat gathering in my eyes, the way my breath turned shallow, uneven.
But then—
Something warm traced down my cheek.
I blinked.
Another followed.
And another.
And before I could even understand before I could even stop it—
The tears wouldn't stop.
No—no, no, no.
I—I didn't want this.
Not like this.
I clenched my fists, my nails digging into my palms, trying to force myself to hold it in, to swallow it down.
But I couldn't.
I couldn't breathe.
I was unraveling.
Completely, utterly unraveling.
Why?
The word crashed into me again, relentless, suffocating.
Why?
Why—when I had been so sure?
Why—when I had thought, just for a second, that maybe, maybe he—
I sucked in a breath—sharp, broken—my chest tightening so painfully it felt like I was being crushed under the weight of it.
Everything felt wrong.
The warmth of his touch that I had clung to?
Now it felt distant. Like a dream I had just woken up from.
The steady breath I had felt against my skin just moments ago?
Now it was a ghost, a reminder of something I had lost before I even had it.
I had never felt this empty.
I squeezed my eyes shut as if that would make it go away.
As if I could force my heart to stop feeling like it had just shattered beyond repair.
I wanted to say something.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to push him away, to pull him closer, to do anything—anything but sit here drowning in this unbearable, crushing pain.
But when I finally managed to speak—
When the words finally, finally broke free—
They weren't the ones I had prepared.
They weren't the ones I had spent so long rehearsing in my head.
Instead, they came out small.
Fragile.
A single, breathless whisper—
"W-…w…hy…?"
A shaky inhale.
A desperate, broken attempt at understanding.
"W…-wh…hy…?"
The word barely held form, slipping from my lips like a dying thing, like it was collapsing under the weight of my own disbelief.
I couldn't stop shaking.
I couldn't stop hurting.
And yet, even now—even now—
I still wanted to hear him say something—
Anything.
"Horikita."
His voice cut through everything.
Like a single thread holding together the last frayed pieces of my mind.
Like an anchor pulling me back from the suffocating abyss of my own thoughts.
And just like that—
My entire world snapped back to him.
My breath caught in my throat.
I looked up.
His face was still as unreadable as ever—calm, steady. Unshaken.
Not a single trace of hesitation. Not a single sign that my breaking, my crumbling, my absolute ruin meant anything to him.
He wasn't moved.
He wasn't affected.
He was just there.
Watching me.
Like he always did.
But before I could even process that—before I could even understand—
His hand moved.
Fingers brushing against my cheek.
Wiping away the tears that wouldn't stop falling.
I gasped—barely, weakly.
I wanted to stop him.
I wanted to push him away.
But my body…
It wouldn't listen.
My limbs felt numb, my strength drained.
I barely even realized that I was slipping, that the last bit of control I had over myself was slipping—
Until I felt it.
The way my body almost fell from his hold, as if even gravity had abandoned me.
But his arm was still there.
Still holding me.
Still keeping me from completely collapsing onto the cold ground.
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know what to think.
I needed answers.
I needed to understand.
I needed him to say something, anything—explain—please—please—
My lips parted—
And his name slipped out.
Soft. Broken. Barely a whisper.
"…A-…Aya…no…kouji…"
"Horikita."
His voice reached me through the haze again.
I barely heard it.
Or maybe I just didn't want to.
My whole world had collapsed, shattered beyond repair, and yet—he was still here. Speaking. Explaining. Like this was something that could be understood.
"Tell me," he continued, his tone steady, unaffected, as if the scene before him—the girl trembling in his arms, broken and breathless—was merely another passing moment in time. "What do you think my role was in all of this?"
My lips trembled.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Don't say it.
Don't—
"In truth, I was indeed your support."
A sharp breath caught in my throat.
"I was your friend. I was someone you could always rely on."
I wanted him to stop.
I wanted to close my eyes, cover my ears, and pretend none of this was happening, but I couldn't move.
I just rested there.
Listening.
Breaking.
"However—"
A single word. A single moment.
And the last remaining fragments of hope inside me cracked.
"I am not someone you can love."
I sucked in a breath, but it felt hollow like the air refused to reach my lungs.
"Because I do not know how to love."
No.
My fingers twitched against his sleeve, but there was no strength left in me to hold on.
I felt like I was sinking.
Deeper, deeper, deeper—
And he kept talking.
"I made sure you got closer to me."
"I made sure you felt closer."
"I observed you from the very beginning."
"Because I noticed something about you—something that didn't quite fit with the image you presented to the world."
His words barely registered.
They should have hurt.
They should have torn me apart. They should have shattered me into something beyond recognition.
But I was already gone.
Already broken.
I had been from the moment he spoke those first words.
"And now that you are before me, entirely, completely—"
His golden-brown eyes met mine, unwavering.
"Perhaps I can finally tell you."
"Now that you've come this far," Ayanokouji murmured, his voice unwavering, steady—almost detached. "Only now, when you've fallen this deep, can I finally explain it to you."
I barely breathed.
Everything felt distant. My heartbeat, my trembling hands, even the way my body refused to hold itself up. If not for him—if not for the arm that still loosely held me—I might have collapsed already.
But even now…
"I was never someone you could love," he repeated. "Because I do not know how to love. I have never understood it, never felt it, and I doubt I ever will."
My breath hitched.
"I only know how to imitate it."
The words should have shocked me. They should have felt foreign, impossible.
But somewhere, deep inside me—
I had already known.
"I made sure you got closer," he went on, his voice calm, almost matter-of-fact. "I made sure you felt closer. I watched you. Studied you. Because I saw what I wanted to understand."
I felt sick.
I wanted to move, to speak, to do anything—but my body didn't listen.
I had been a subject.
A controlled variable.
An experiment.
"I wanted to learn how to live as a normal person my age," he said. "I wanted to understand the nature of this society."
His voice remained the same—calm, steady, utterly devoid of hesitation.
But I could feel it.
That contradiction.
That something in his words that didn't quite fit.
"But deep down," he continued, "I knew it was pointless. A mere illusion I created for myself in this world."
Something inside me stirred.
"That's why," he murmured, "I never revealed anything to you."
A bitter, twisting feeling clawed at my chest.
I shouldn't be thinking about this. I shouldn't be dissecting his words like they meant something more.
But I was.
Because they did.
Because they had to.
He was telling me he had never loved me. That all of this—everything—was nothing more than a calculated observation. That he had never truly cared.
Then why?
Why did it feel like there was something more?
Why did it sound like he wasn't just talking about me—but about himself?
"I knew it was pointless."
Then why did he do it?
"A mere illusion I created for myself."
Then why did he keep going?
Why did he stay?
Even now, as I broke apart in his arms, he wasn't cruel. He wasn't distant.
He wiped my tears.
He held me up when I would have fallen.
He never had to.
He never had to do any of it.
And yet, he did.
I don't understand.
Even if he manipulated me.
I don't understand.
Even if he hurt me.
I don't understand.
I still—
My body trembled. My mind twisted, spiraling into a place I had never been before.
This wasn't how it was supposed to end.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be.
If he didn't know how to love, then I—
I would love him forever.
If he thought everything he did was an illusion, then I—
I would prove him again and again.
Because no matter how much he denied it—
No matter how much he claimed otherwise—
There was something inside him that still reached out.
And I—
I wasn't going to let it go.
A sound escaped me—something between a sob and a laugh, something that barely felt real. My body felt weightless, like I wasn't even inside it anymore like I was floating in the hollow space his words had carved into me.
But it was fine.
It was fine.
It had to be.
"It—" My voice broke, barely making it past my lips. I swallowed, my throat tight, and burning. "It d-doesn't…"
The words wouldn't come out. They twisted, tangled, warped in my mind like they were suffocating under their own weight. But I forced them out, even as they shattered in the air between us.
"It d-doesn't… m-matter."
I gripped onto nothing, holding onto something that wasn't even there.
My chest ached so badly that I thought I might actually fall apart.
"I—" A gasp, a sob, a broken whisper. "I d-don't… c-care."
It hurt.
It hurt so much.
"I—e-even if—" My lips trembled, my whole body trembling, shaking so badly I could barely stand. "E-even if y-you— i-if it was—"
I squeezed my eyes shut, my breath coming in ragged, uneven gulps. My mind was spiraling, twisting in on itself, unraveling at the seams—
"E-Even if you c-can't—"
I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think.
"I s-still l-love y-you."
I gasped the words out like they were being torn from me like they were bleeding from somewhere deep inside my chest.
I didn't care.
I didn't care if it was all fake.
I didn't care if he had never meant any of it.
I didn't care if he had only been watching me, testing me, breaking me apart piece by piece just to see what I would do.
It was fine.
If that's what it meant to be close to him—
Then I would let myself break.
Then I would shatter, again and again, as many times as it took—
I-If it meant I could stay in his orbit.
Slowly, I lifted my head, my vision still blurred with tears, my breath still shaking—
And I met his gaze.
His eyes.
My chest rose and fell in sharp, uneven breaths, my vision still blurred with tears, my entire body trembling like a fragile thread about to snap. But none of it mattered.
Nothing mattered—except him.
The darkness in his gaze didn't waver.
Deep, endless, empty.
A void without warmth, without meaning.
But still, I sank into it.
Still, I let it take me.
Because I had already fallen too far.
A sharp inhale burned my lungs as something twisted inside me, something raw and desperate and all-consuming. My thoughts tangled, snapped, and reformed into a singular, maddening realization—
I needed him.
I needed to make him understand.
Before I could think—before I could stop myself—
I moved.
My trembling fingers gripped the front of his shirt, weak and desperate, pulling, dragging myself closer. My body wasn't my own anymore—only instinct, only chaos, only the overwhelming need to reach him before I drowned in this endless, spiraling abyss.
And then—
My lips crashed against his.
It wasn't soft. It wasn't gentle. It wasn't anything it was supposed to be.
It was desperation.
A collision of everything inside me—the pain, the longing, the madness I couldn't hold back any longer. My entire world collapsed into this one, fleeting moment—
Because if I didn't do this now—if I let him slip away—
I wouldn't survive it.
For a heartbeat, his body stiffened.
For the first time—the first time—
Ayanokouji froze.
His breath halted a bit and his fingers twitched slightly against my back. His entire body had gone rigid like he had not accounted for this possibility.
I surprised him.
Even in my shattered state, even with my mind breaking apart at the seams—
Something about that realization sent a shiver through me.
Even if he had played me like a perfect experiment—
Even if he had stripped me bare, dissected me piece by piece—
I p-promise to stay.
S-So p-please.
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
L-Let me love you.