Final Fantasy VII

Weeping Light

By Lucky_Ladybug

Notes: The characters aren't mine and the story is! Somehow this idea came to me and I've been tweaking it around to get it right since then. It could have gone in several ways, but I decided the best and healthiest way would be for Sephiroth to already know the dark truths about Lucrecia instead of either idolizing her or having his illusions crushed in this fic. As to why he mistook Jenova for Lucrecia in canon when he'd had the locket, my theory was that it had been so long his memory had faded. Someone else, I think PrismaticPichu, suggested that he'd thought Jenova had been experimented on. I decided to use both theories. This takes place in my Twilight and Dawn verse, so everyone is on Earth now and Sephiroth is sane again. He and Cloud are very close by this point.

Sephiroth frowned in concern when he came downstairs one morning and found Cloud sitting at the kitchen table, alone and scowling at his mug of hot cocoa.

"What is it?" Sephiroth asked.

Cloud leaned back, his expression conflicted. He wasn't sure how to get into whatever it was. ". . . Vincent came by earlier," he said at last.

". . . And he brought bad news?" Sephiroth sat down across from him, dread rising in his heart. Cloud liked talking to Vincent. For him to not be in a good mood afterwards, the conversation couldn't have been positive.

Could it be Genesis? Had Vincent found him badly hurt or . . . worse?

No, somehow he didn't think Cloud would look the way he did right now if it were that. It was something else.

Indeed, Cloud said, "He . . . wanted to ask you a favor. He wasn't sure he should."

"And why is that?" Sephiroth asked. Vincent had tended to him almost any time he had needed medical care on this world. Sephiroth owed him a lot for that. Offhand, he couldn't think of a favor that he couldn't or wouldn't easily grant, if in his power.

Cloud heaved a sigh. ". . . He got this idea in his head that maybe if you go to Lucrecia and talk to her, tell her you're okay or whatever, she'll feel like coming out of the crystal. He's tried to tell her, but he thinks maybe it'll only really work if it's you. I mean . . . I guess she sealed herself in there because she felt so guilty about her part in what happened to you." He dared to look up at the older man.

Sephiroth was just staring at him, his expression unreadable. "Lucrecia . . ."

"Yeah." Worried, Cloud sat up straighter. "Vincent came to ask me what I thought about it. I . . . wasn't sure it was a good idea. I said I'd talk to you, but . . . Sephiroth, are you okay?" Fear and dread filled Cloud's eyes now. Motherwas a highly upsetting topic for Sephiroth, understandably. He knew now Jenova was not his mother and had rejected her, and what he had learned about Lucrecia had only hurt him again, though he had locked it away and hadn't wanted to talk about it.

Finally Sephiroth brought a hand to his collarbone. ". . . I used to have a locket," he said quietly. "Hojo gave it to me. It had a picture of a woman in it, a beautiful but sad woman. He told me she was my mother, Jenova, and that she was dead."

Cloud's eyes widened. That was the last thing he had ever expected to hear.

"I cherished it for years. When I lost it at age 12, I was devastated. I tried so hard to find it. . . . I did get it back again, briefly, but lost it again. It's . . . a long story." Sephiroth sighed heavily. "It must have been her picture in it. Lucrecia's. It definitely wasn't Jenova's."

Cloud frowned a bit. ". . . Why did you think Jenova was your mother when you found her? I mean, if you saw what your real mother looked like . . ."

"It had been so many years by then," Sephiroth said. "And I was being bombarded by horrors in Nibelheim. The monsters we were discovering had once been human. I thought . . . I thought she was like them."

"Oh." Cloud looked down. How horrible, to have to think that the mother you'd been told was dead was alive but being mutated into something non-human.

"Thinking that was probably the final piece that shattered my mind," Sephiroth said.

"It probably was." Hesitating, Cloud finally got up and walked around the table to sit next to Sephiroth.

He smiled slightly at that, despite the pain and sorrow in his eyes. "I idolized the woman in the picture all through my life," he said. "I thought she was an angel. Then . . . when all my memories came back on this world and I rediscovered what I'd learned in the Lifestream but rejected . . ." He shook his head. ". . . She was willing to experiment on me before I was even born! Vincent tried to stop it, but she wouldn't have it." He looked to Cloud, the anguish written all over his features. "Why . . . why did neither of the women who served that role as my mother care about me? I cared so much about them it drove me insane, but I was nothing to either one of them!"

Cloud's heart broke. "They were stupid," he said. "They had the best thing they could possibly have had—you!—and they threw that away." He drew a shaking breath. "At least Lucrecia realized she was stupid, though. She regretted everything she did to you."

Sephiroth nodded. ". . . She tried to kill herself, but for some reason the Jenova cells wouldn't let her die. So she sealed herself away."

"And I'm not saying that was right or that what she did to you wasn't terrible, because it was," Cloud said. "But . . . I think she didlove you, in some way. She must have, to feel that bad about it."

"Yes, I suppose. I am certainly no stranger to such weighty grief and guilt. I can understand how she would feel like killing herself, if she regretted her actions," Sephiroth sighed.

". . . Did you want to?" Cloud had to ask. "When all your memories came back, I mean."

"I don't know if I would say I actually wanted to," Sephiroth said. "I have always badly wanted to live. But . . . when the weight of my sins crashed down on me at last, I felt death was all I deserved."

"But you kept going," Cloud said in some amazement.

"I had to," Sephiroth said quietly. "I had been given another chance, and I had accidentally unleashed Jenova on this world. I had to fix it. Then . . ." He smiled. "Zack, and you, gave me reason to want to stay."

"I'm glad we could," Cloud said.

Sephiroth brought a tired, trembling hand to his forehead and rubbed it. ". . . What do you think I should do, Cloud? Should I do as Vincent hopes and try to talk to Lucrecia?"

"I think . . ." Cloud hesitated. "You're the only person who can answer that. Do you think you can take it—seeing her—now that you know the truth about her?"

"I . . . don't know," Sephiroth said quietly.

"Maybe she wouldn't even come out anyway," Cloud said. "It's just a gamble, a guess." He reached and took Sephiroth's hand, squeezing it gently. "And nobody here would blame you if you said No. You don't owe her anything after what she did to you."

"It's not about owing anything, though," Sephiroth said. "It's about doing the right thing, no matter how difficult." He closed his eyes, sinking back against the chair while gripping Cloud's hand like the lifeline it was.

"I'll support you whatever you choose," Cloud said.

Still with his eyes closed, Sephiroth said, "If I go, and if possibly it works, then she will be here in town. Vincent will of course want to bring her to all of our gatherings. Will I be able to deal with that? . . . Do I even have the right to wonder that, considering all the people living in this house whom I hurt who are around me every day?"

"Nobody was forced to come here," Cloud said. "Everybody's here because they want to be. I want to be. Sephiroth, we all forgave you. We all love you. But you know better than anyone that it didn't happen right away, especially with me. It took time—so much time!—for me to finally accept that I forgave you, and even longer for me to accept that I love you. You'd never want anyone to stay around you if it was hurting them as much as 'Mother' hurts you. If it takes you time to be able to deal with being around someone you loved who let you down as much as Lucrecia let you down, it's okay."

Finally Sephiroth opened his eyes again. "I will need time to think about what to do," he said. "But . . . thank you, Cloud."

Cloud nodded. "Sure." He hesitated. "Just talk to me and Zack about it, okay? Don't bottle it up inside. That may have been part of why you snapped too—internalizing everything until you just couldn't anymore."

"Perhaps," Sephiroth said. "I will talk to you both about my decision. I don't know how long it will take me to make it."

"Take your time," Cloud said. "She's not going anywhere . . . again," he added awkwardly.

"Heh. Where is she now anyway?" Sephiroth wondered.

"Up in the crystal cave above the city," Cloud said.

Sephiroth's eyes flickered. "The same cave where . . ." He trailed off.

Cloud nodded and looked down. "Where Jenova put you in stone." He gripped Sephiroth's hand a bit tighter.

"That was very difficult for both of us," Sephiroth said. "Can you handle going back there, Cloud?"

"When you're okay, I think I can," Cloud said.

Sephiroth smiled a bit. "If I say I'll do it, at least I know I won't have to face it alone."

"Never." Cloud gripped his hand. "Zack will say Yes too."

"I know," Sephiroth said, smiling more. "I can always count on the two of you."

Cloud finally smiled too. "Always."

Sephiroth was still deep in thought when Zack found him later.

"Hey, Pal," he greeted as he went into Seph's room and over to where his friend was sitting on the bed. "Cloud said you really got a bombshell dropped on you today. You wanna talk about it?"

Sephiroth looked to him. ". . . Do you remember when all my memories started flooding back and I remembered what I'd learned about my birth mother in the Lifestream?"

Anguish filled Zack's eyes. "I sure do. As if it wasn't awful enough for you remembering all the horrible things you did, suddenly you got bombarded with that."

"One of the only comforts I had all through the years was thinking about her and what it would have been like had we been able to be a family," Sephiroth said. "I thought Jenova was her, and I thought that so strongly and that she loved me that I rejected anything that said otherwise, including what the Lifestream told me about Lucrecia. But when I was sane again and those memories came back, I couldn't deny it any longer. The mother I'd idolized all those years insisted on experimenting on me before I was even born!" His voice trembled and he buried his face in his hands.

Zack hugged him close. "I wanted so bad to do this then, but I couldn't," he whispered. He hadn't yet been restored to life at that time.

Sephiroth leaned into the embrace. "I would have lost my mind again without you, Zack," he said. "You kept me grounded all through that horrific time."

"At least that time I was able to do it," Zack said softly.

"I couldn't lose you again," Sephiroth said. "Or myself. I had to stay sane, somehow.

"But now . . ." He finally looked up. "Vincent has asked if I will go to her and talk to her. He thinks perhaps I am the only one who can get her to come out of the crystal."

Zack frowned and nodded. "Cloud told me that too."

"I would never expect help from anyone who had been hurt so deeply by me," Sephiroth said. "But . . . would it be right to refuse to go, despite how much she has hurt me? It wouldn't be out of spite. I . . . honestly don't know if I could bear to be around her."

"Nobody would blame you for not going," Zack said. "It might not work anyway. I mean, putting herself in crystal was the only way she could think of to kill herself or something, right? She probably wants to stay 'dead.'"

"But since it seems she did that out of guilt and sorrow over what she did to me, perhaps my going and telling her I'm alright would make her change her mind," Sephiroth said. "Or that is Vincent's hope, at least."

Zack sighed. "We can't decide for you, Seph. . . . We can just be there for you no matter what."

"I know." Sephiroth rested more against Zack. "I suppose . . . I'm deeply afraid that if I actually see her . . . see that she is indeed the woman I idolized who was in my locket . . . I may snap."

"And nobody wants that kind of pressure on you," Zack said. "Heck, she'd never want it herself! The last thing she'd ever want is to cause you even more pain." He hugged Seph close to him. "I know what I said a minute ago, but please . . . don't go, Seph. Not unless you're sure you can handle it. We can't lose you again."

Sephiroth clutched his cherished friend close. "How strange," he whispered. "Just like in that movie you like . . . one life touches so many other lives. If I snap . . . even if not violently this time . . . it will hurt so many people."

Zack nodded. "Especially Cloud. We both know he could never take losing you again."

And that was perhaps the strangest thing of all. But Sephiroth knew Zack was right. "And I could never do that to him, or you," he said. "I've hurt the both of you far too much already. Even though you will not admit to the extent of how you would be affected, I know it would pierce your heart as well."

"Yeah," Zack said quietly. "It would."

Sephiroth sighed and looked towards the doorway. "I will try to work my way up to where I believe I could handle it," he said at last. "I can't right now."

"And maybe someday you can," Zack said with a quiet smile. "I'm sure Vincent will be happy you'll be trying."

Sephiroth nodded. "It isn't the Yes he no doubt hopes for, but it isn't a No."

"You've gotta think about your mental health," Zack said. "If Vincent knows you know the truth about Lucrecia, he'll surely agree."

"I wonder," Sephiroth remarked. "I'm sure he never would have told me himself. Even knowing the truth, he stillidolizes her. I wonder if she's even grateful for such a deep and undying love."

"She'd better be," Zack said.

Sephiroth gave a heavy sigh again. ". . . I also learned that she and Hojo were actually married. I am not illegitimate. That makes my legal name Sephiroth Hojo, but I don't want to use it."

Zack made a face. "Can't imagine anybody marrying that creep."

"I wonder if she was coerced into it or if she wanted to do it," Sephiroth remarked. "That was one thing the Lifestream did not tell me."

"It's hard to say, knowing what else we know about her. Hojo sure would have been capable of trying to make her do it."

Sephiroth nodded. "And yet she seemed to be fully into the experiments, at least for some time." He sighed and shook his head. "I don't want to think too much about it."

"Yeah. Me neither." Zack hesitated. ". . . A long time ago, I offered you my name for your last name, Seph. That offer still stands, if you want it."

Sephiroth smiled at that. "Sephiroth Fair. I remember."

"It still sounds good on you too!" Zack said.

"I like it," Sephiroth agreed. "Perhaps I really will legally change my name to that."

"That'd be great!" Zack said.

"Yes," Sephiroth said thoughtfully. "It would." Smiling more, he added, "But it wouldn't make you any more my brother than you already are."

Zack smiled too. "Of course not. But it's cool anyway!"

Sephiroth regarded him fondly. How was it that he was so blessed, especially after hurting Zack and Cloud so deeply in the past? They still loved him, even though the road back to celebrating that love had been more than a little rocky with Cloud especially.

They both looked up at the creak of the floorboards. Cloud was standing in the doorway. "Everything okay in here?" he asked.

"Yes," Sephiroth said. "I've made my decision, at least for now. I am not ready to face Lucrecia at this time. But I will try to get ready. I want to do the right thing by her, and I understand how crushing her sorrow and grief must be for her to have sealed herself away. For her to feel that badly about it, I do have compassion for her."

Cloud nodded, looking relieved that Sephiroth had not decided he had to go right now. "I'll tell Vincent," he said.

"Thank you," Sephiroth said.

"Seph also decided he might legally become Sephiroth Fair!" Zack said proudly. "Hey, maybe he could take your name too, Cloud!"

Cloud snorted. "Are you kidding? That would sound terrible together. Fair-Strife. Or Strife-Fair. Either way, it'd be nuts."

Sephiroth just sat back with folded arms, listening in amusement to the exchange.

"Aww, come on! It'd be fine!" Zack said. "You should be represented too! We're both Seph's best buds!"

Cloud finally smiled a bit at that. "I just wouldn't want him to get stuck with a weird name."

"If I actually decided to do that, I apparently wouldn't mind being stuck with it," Sephiroth deadpanned.

"And anything would be better than Hojo!" Zack said.

"Okay, no arguments there," Cloud conceded. He looked to Sephiroth. "But would you really do that?"

"I might," Sephiroth said. "Zack is right that you should be represented too. If you wouldn't mind me taking your name, of course."

Cloud smiled. "Of course I wouldn't mind. I'd be glad. And . . . I think Mom would be too." He walked over to the bed and sat down on Sephiroth's other side.

"Yes," Sephiroth mused in awe as he placed an arm around each of his closest loved ones. "I believe she would."

He still didn't know what the love of a mother was like, and maybe he never would—even if Lucrecia did come out of the crystal. But he had been immeasurably blessed even so. And he wouldn't trade the love he had now for anything.