TAZ POV

I trained. Every day and the others realised on days when I trained a lot that I wasn't always the happy-go-lucky Taz they knew me to be. When I was training, I usually let out my frustration, my self-hatred, which is why I didn't really like people watching me. But sometimes it just happened that they were in the neighbourhood by chance and so it was again today. Emily noticed how I couldn't control myself any more and was screaming with frustration at the punching bag in front of me. Tears were streaming down my face because I had been dreaming about her all night and, as it should be, reality caught up with me when I woke up without her by my side. There were days like that. I didn't like that but what can i do. „Hey! Taz!" Emily came up to me and took me in her arms from behind but I still tried to fight back, I didn't want to be seen like that. So weak. „Hey, what's wrong?" I held on to the punching bag and slowly slid to the Floor. Only then did she let go of me. I pulled my knees to my body and tried to breathe normally but it was difficult. Emily put a hand on my shoulder to reassure me. „What's wrong with you Taz? I've noticed for a while that something's not right. You know you can always come and talk to me." She looked at me sadly and worriedly and I ran my bandaged hands over my tear-stained face. Should I tell her? I looked down and then back up at Emily, who was still looking at me worriedly. Then I took the ring in my hand and looked at it. „I let her go. Just let her go. I should have stopped her! I should have tried. We could have talked. We should have, but I didn't do anything. Man. F*CK! Emily I wanted to Marry her and I just let her go. I had time to go to the Airport, but I sat on the Couch. I cried because I found her letter. Maybe we would still be together now." It felt like I was out of breath. Like it was cutting my throat. The pain was back, now that I was talking about it again. Emily took me in her arms. I told her about Emma. Just everything. From the beginning. And Emily listened to me. Was there for me. It felt like everything was happening from the beginning and I just don't know why. Why today of all days. „Hey, go home. Take a shower, we'll meet the others later. Buggy actor Jeff Ward and a musician are also coming to the Set. Take a shower. Try to take a deep breath. I'm always here if you need me and I won't tell anyone about today. Don't be afraid." I nodded. „Thank you, Emily." „Not for that." She helped me up and it was good to have a word. She made me feel like I wasn't the failure I thought I was. She was like my father. She said that if Emma and I were meant to be together, we would find each other again, no matter what. Sometimes we part ways but when you are meant for each other you always find each other again. I went to my flat and took a cold shower and then made my way to the Set. I didn't have much to do here today. Just as I was about to leave, I heard a voice and at first I thought I was hallucinating. Because it was her voice. I was sure of it. I turned round and I had to swallow. It was her, I was sure of it. „Mimi is... Is that you?" I was still a little shocked and waited for a reaction. She turned round and I was right. „T.J.?" She also seemed more than surprised. „Yes... yes, it's me. T.J.." I stood there transfixed and my mouth was dry. I took a breath. „What are you doing here?" I asked her, even though it was more of a whisper. She took a step towards me. It was still like a magnetic field between us, I had the feeling. „I have a job here. I work with Music and you?" I smiled slightly. „I have a role here, I play Sanji..." „Cool. I knew you'd make it one day..." I could still hardly believe my eyes. „You've changed T.J." „Yeah... I turned my life around back then... after you... you left..." The last was more of a whisper. „You too..." She didn't have the red hair anymore. „Yeah, yeah that's right." She wore her hair natural now. „How are you?" I heard her say. How was I... „Better... Better." It was hard to say, considering I had collapsed again just this morning. But that didn't matter. It was better than at the very beginning. „And you..." „Good, I've..." She was interrupted when Buggy Actor Jeff Ward came from the left. „There you are...!" He walked towards her. „Hey Emi." He took her in his arms and kissed her. I swallowed hard. So she was all right. She carried on. Then Jeff turned to me. „Oh, you must be Taz Skylar, right? You've already met. This is Emma my wife." I widened my eyes. The shock and pain was deep. „You're married?" She took a deep breath. „Yes. For two weeks." She looked up at me. I swallowed. „Wow... I'm happy for you, Mimi." It was hard to catch my breath. „Mimi?" Jeff looked at us with irritation. „T.J. I mean Taz and I know each other from before. We were a couple for a while. I left him for my dream of the USA." She looked down. I could see that it wasn't easy for her today either. It wasn't an easy decision. I know that. „Wow, okay, I didn't expect that. Is everything okay?" Jeff interrupted both of our thoughts. In which she and I probably continued to blame ourselves for how things ended back then. Then she looked at me. Her eyes were still glittering blue. But I could see that she was afraid of what I would say. I nodded. She knew it wasn't true. She knew it wasn't all good but she also knew that I was never angry with her and never would be. So she nodded too. „Yes, everything was fine, we were just surprised to see each other again after such a long time. That's all." She looked at Jeff and tried to convince him, which she succeeded in doing. Not me, I always knew exactly when she wasn't telling the truth, but he believed her. „OK, then I won't bother you any more. Get back to me when you're through with everything. You don't seem to have been picked up yet. Then we'll go and eat at this restaurant later." She nodded. „I will." They kissed briefly to say goodbye and you could tell she was uncomfortable. „Married. WOW... But Jeff seems like a really nice guy..." „Yes, yes he is. We've been through a lot, a lot and then we got married a fortnight ago. I really love him a lot." That hurt. I took a deep breath. „You know... I know this is going to sound weird, but I know you know me, so I can just tell you..." I swallowed hard. Should I really? „Then as now... I never really got over you. Maybe because you just left. Left even though I told you that I loved you. Maybe because you reciprocated my feelings back then and still left... I really don't know. But it hurt like hell. And to this day I still think about what if. What if I had come with you. What if you had stayed. Do you understand? I still think about us..." „T.J... I don't know. I don't know what would have happened if... But we also had different goals that we were pursuing and that might have separated us sooner or later anyway. My priority was always music. Yours was writing and acting, I loved you, no question. But I had to go. I thought about you for a long time. But I couldn't go back. I had to stay and pursue my dream. I made it. And I've also built a life, a family with Jeff. I wish so much for you. That you would find someone I thought you would have by now." I looked at her the whole time, but in the end I couldn't. I looked at the floor. Because everything I wanted with her, she now had with someone else. I felt the first tear. It ran straight down my cheek and I sniffled. I couldn't hold it back. It hurt too much. I felt her wrap her petite arms around me and hug me tightly. When she did this, all the dams broke and I started to cry from the bottom of my heart. It was as if I was now saying the Goodbye that I couldn't say, back then. I held her tightly in my arms. I didn't want her to go. She thought she was doing the right thing at the time but it was so much pain that she left behind. We should have talked. Then everything would be better now. Not good but better. So we stood there. Arm in arm. With more pain and memories.