Author's note: Yeah, I really went for that title. This is what you get when I'm sleep deprived, sick as hell, and life sucks at the moment. I butcher fairy tales clearly. You all still sure you'll like whatever I write? Hell, I'm not even sure how I came up with this! Read at your own risk, I'd say.

Warnings: Naruto's pov; Alternate universe; modern verse; slash; implied mature content; Naruto being like Goldilocks, somewhat; drabble; brief mentions of others/Naruto

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Kishimoto owns it.

I apologise for this monstrosity.

If It Fits, Naruto Sits

Naruto entered the club with only one mission: to get laid.

It might be vulgar, such a mission, might make him seem like some kind of slut but he did not give a crap. It had been two years since his last serious relationship and all the dates he had been on so far had been … mediocre to say the least. He didn't want to badmouth the people he had been on a date with because they were nice people – he supposed – but there had always been something missing, something like a spark that could get his interest going.

Sakura had scoffed several times, insisting he had too high standards. Was it such a high standard to expect to feel some inkling of interest at least, a spark that would convince him to go further with them? He didn't think so! Ino and Deidara agreed with him, encouraging him to go loose in a club he hadn't tried out before, so certain he would find someone to his liking. Mum and dad had encouraged him to have fun and Gaara had solemnly promised to kick the arse of anybody who tried to bother him, he just needed to text him once, that would be all.

So it was with renewed enthusiasm that Naruto entered the club, dressed in a tight orange shirt and ripped jeans. None too skinny, though; if he had success he didn't want to get held up by his own outfit!

Naruto didn't consider himself to have such extreme standards, but he was looking for a certain something at the very least. Something that would satisfy him, something that would fill up the empty space within him, something that –

The first man who dragged him to the backrooms was a quiet, unassuming one named Sai. His looks weren't particularly outstanding, but neither were they anything to sniff at either and he was a pretty good kisser. All went well until Sai dropped his trousers, pulling down his underwear in one go and –

"Sorry, you're not the one for me," Naruto said apologetically and patted the other man on the shoulder, leaving the man bemused behind when he slipped out of the room.

He didn't have extremely high standards but he was also looking for a certain size and well, unfortunately Sai was just a bit too small for his liking. Sai was probably an attentive lover if his kisses were any proof but Naruto had toys bigger than his junk at home, so …

Too small; the search continued.

The second guy whose attention fell on Naruto was quite handsome with his long, brown hair tied into a low ponytail and his lavender coloured eyes roaming over Naruto's body. When he pressed up against Naruto's back, his interest was undeniable and Naruto easily followed him to one of the rooms in the back, patting himself inwardly on the back for scoring such a good looking man. Even if nothing else would come out of this evening, at the very least he would have enjoyed himself!

And enjoying himself he did – at first. Neji, the man introduced himself, had very experienced fingers and an even more experienced tongue that had Naruto dazedly wishing the other one was employed that tongue elsewhere. The hardness he felt pressing back against him, twitching when he rolled his hips forwards, was certainly nothing to sniff at either. Everything was going great and he smiled at the muffled groan escaping Neji when he unzipped his trousers and slipped his hand inside. His fingers closed around the hot, hard girth, which was definitely bigger than Sai's but –

Naruto sighed, regretfully pulling his hand away even when Neji started placing kisses in his neck. The problem this time wasn't that Neji was small; in fact he was perfectly well-sized but something held Naruto back and had him huffing in annoyance. That had Neji pulling back, staring at him puzzled.

"Something wrong?" he asked; his thumbs rubbing over Naruto's hipbones through his jeans.

"Nothing with you but clearly something with me," Naruto sighed and after adjusting his shirt, he patted Neji regretfully on his shoulder. "I'm not feeling it, sorry."

Neji looked a bit baffled for a moment before he shrugged, zipped up again and left. At least Naruto hadn't accidentally shook up his confidence; that would have sucked because really, there was nothing wrong with Neji. He was objectively good looking, was a good kisser, knew where to touch and was perfectly average sized and yet.

And yet.

Hm, maybe his standards were a bit too high after all? He didn't even know what he was looking for at this point!

Normal clearly didn't do it for him.

After two failed encounters, Naruto had become more focused on dancing to the music than actively looking around for somebody to take home. It was thus that he was taken by surprise when hands came to rest on his hips, pulling him back –

Right into something very firm, something hard and something definitely not small by any means.

His eyes popped open at the same time the stranger behind him bent down towards him and muttered in a husky voice in his ear, "You really look way too innocent to be here all on your own."

"Innocent? Excuse me, who do you think - " Naruto started to rant but upon swiftly turning around, he was instantly lost for words when he laid eyes on what had to be the most beautiful man he had ever seen in his life so far.

Black hair, spiked in the back, that shone a faintish blue whenever the multicoloured lights slipped over them; dark eyes that glowed with barely concealed lust; cheekbones so sharp they might actually be able to cut something; a pair of full, faint pink lips; a face that generally belonged in a model magazine; a body clearly sculpted by the gods themselves and an impressive bulge hidden within those trousers.

Naruto could confidently state that this man was the whole package looks wise at the very least. Holy fuck.

"I haven't seen you around here before," the man commented; one of his hands shifting until it came to rest right above the swell of Naruto's arse.

Confident as he had been the whole evening, Naruto found himself actually lost for words for a couple of seconds. His mouth felt too dry when he replied, "No, my first time here actually."

"Lucky me," the other one smirked and yes, no, that was definitely not a wallet or a phone that Naruto could clearly feel pressing against him. "You want to keep dancing or can I interest you in something else?"

"Fuck yeah!" Naruto blurted out, which wasn't really a proper answer but the other man clearly was as smart as he was handsome because his smirk deepened and he removed his hands only to grab Naruto by his hand and tug him to the back of the club.

Into a room that looked far more luxurious than the previous two rooms Naruto had found himself in earlier tonight but he didn't have time for a proper look around. Before he could do so much as glance around, he was pressed against the wall, being kissed within an inch of his life. He moaned throatily when a strong hand grabbed one arse cheek, squeezing it through his jeans, and his length twitched in response; the pressure of the stiff material of his jeans against it making him squirm a bit.

"Let's get comfortable, hm?" the dark haired man suggested huskily and in just a couple of steps they were in front of a bed.

The bed itself was nicely made up with dark blue sheets and stark white pillows, but that was all that managed to register in Naruto's mind before he found himself lying flat on his back with the other man lying down between his legs.

"Am I going to get a name?" he asked stupidly when the man sat up to remove his shirt.

Dear god, he really was sculpted by the gods, wasn't he? Naruto couldn't stop himself from ogling him, all too aware of the man's smug smirk, but holy fuck, was he a sight for sore eyes! Just how much gym time was required to have such amazing abs? Fucking unreal!

"How impolite of me," the man grinned, throwing his red shirt onto the floor. "Name's Sasuke, a pleasure to meet you."

"Name's Naruto," Naruto squeaked out; his eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets when Sasuke removed the rest of his clothes without any preamble.

Naruto's eyes roved from the broad shoulders, the well defined abs to the long, strong legs with in between –

His brain flatlined when he took in just how huge Sasuke was. His length was both large and thick; its girth impressive, making Naruto's fingers itch with the desire to touch. Which he did. Gladly. His brain flatlined again when he realised he couldn't even close his fingers around the thickest part.

Holy shit.

"Don't worry," Sasuke murmured in his ear, covering him with his body, "I'll make sure to prepare you really well." The promise sounded both sweet and dark.

Naruto had never been so turned on in his life.

Especially when Sasuke took his promise very seriously, not only opening him up with his fingers and a liberal amount of lube but also – with his tongue. If Neji had known how to use his tongue, Sasuke was goddamn skilled. Naruto already came his brains out just by feeling that tongue pry him open skilfully, together with two fingers, leaving him to slump onto his arms on the bed; his quivering lower body only still raised in the air because of Sasuke's strong grip.

Pleasure only just dying out, still making his body twitch with the aftermath of it, his next breath was knocked out of him when something hot and large pushed its way into him, stretching him out further than a tongue and fingers could possibly have accomplished. It pierced him open, forcing him to spread his legs even wider as it sank deeper and deeper until –

By the time Sasuke bottomed out, Naruto was nearly delirious with the combination of pain and pleasure as his body tried to adapt around the large intrusion. He thought he could feel Sasuke throbbing deep inside him when the man started circling his hips lightly and he dropped his head, blearily opening his eyes. He was pretty sure his stomach was actually distending slightly when Sasuke thrusted deeper inside. His muscles clamped down around Sasuke in reaction, making the dark haired man moan and clamp his hands around Naruto's hips.

"Fuck, you feel amazing," he grunted, pulling back only to thrust roughly into Naruto again, barely giving the blond a chance to breathe in and brace himself.

"That's my line," he managed to choke out before Sasuke really set himself to fucking his brains out; each thrust deep and harsh, pushing Naruto forwards before hands would tighten around his hips and pull him back to meet the next thrust.

Teeth nipped at his shoulders, hot lips left a trail of kisses behind in the back of his neck and Naruto deliriously thought that there was no way on earth his toys would ever satisfy him again.

Not with how well Sasuke was filling him up, not with how thick and large and absolutely fucking perfect he felt, carving a place out for himself in Naruto's body, filling up an empty space Naruto hadn't even been aware of that it had existed. He was practically jackhammering into him now, punching breathy moans and barely muffled keens out of the blond. The sound of their skin slapping together, Sasuke's hips slamming into his arse, was practically obscene, loud enough to drown out the deep bass of the music on the dancefloor.

His heart was hammering in his chest, an ache was forming at the base of his back, he was so overwhelmed by pleasure he didn't even know what he was saying if he was already saying something, he was going to walk so bowlegged for the next few days if not the entire week, his body was going to ache like hell –

And he was loving every second of it.

Sai was too small, Neji was too average sized and Sasuke? He was too big – and fucking perfect.

There was a lid for every pot, the saying went. Naruto had definitely found his lid!

The End

AN2: Was it entirely in character? Eh probably not but I'm butchering a fairy tale here, so really what can you expect? You all regretting reading my work yet? Wouldn't blame you if you did.

My apologies for this abomination once again. Now I'm off to bed and will regret posting this so late in the morning no doubt.

Please leave your thoughts behind in a review; should you spot any mistakes, please point them out to me.

I hope to see you all back in my future stories! Please stay safe and take care of yourselves!

Cuddles

Melissa

P.S. For more information about my upcoming and posted stories, please visit my profile.